Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

A good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Brian Blessed.

Yes, it's me.

LAUGHS

I'm back again.

Now in the news this week as Silvio Berlusconi

celebrates his latest election result,

his campaign team call off the hunt for his missing mistress.

LAUGHTER

Richard Hammond arrives at A&E having driven an open top car

under a low bridge.

LAUGHTER

And there's delight for Eric Pickles as his new toasting fork

is finally delivered!

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight, a left-wing politician who believes

the state should pay for everything....

except a ceremonial funeral.

Now please welcome the fantastic Ken Livingston.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian,

who in a previous job worked as a greetings card packer in a factory.

On her last day, she was given hundreds of leaving cards

and told to pop them in the delivery van on her way out.

Now please welcome the wonderful, gorgeous Bridget Christie.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Ken, take a look at this.

There she is, swinging away.

It's an old lady who's died this week.

Any thoughts, Ken?

LAUGHTER

Oh, look, she's burying you.

LAUGHTER

Oh, there we are - switching Britain on.

Well, you know, it's amazing, I haven't had an invite to the funeral yet,

so I haven't been able to decline it.

LAUGHTER

Would you go?

No, no. It would be a tad hypocritical

given she abolished me...

LAUGHTER

..to turn up at her funeral.

She's died and the BBC has been accused of bias.

So luckily tonight it's rectified it by inviting Ken Livingston on.

LAUGHTER

Wednesday saw tributes in Parliament.

Anyone catch what Norman Lamont had to say?

No. What did he have to say?

Don't you know, Paul?

No, I don't.

Me and Norman fell out some time ago.

LAUGHTER

He said...

What great judgement she had.

LAUGHTER

There was a succession of rather wet elderly men

appearing on the tele saying, "She was awfully rude to us, you know?

"And really horrid to Jeffery."

When you say, "wet, elderly men" have they just been fished from the Thames for their...

And there are some very elderly posh ones going,

"God, I mean, she was a woman...

LAUGHTER

"Rather vulgar... probably middle class. Ghastly. Ghastly.

"And a woman."

There's been a lot of talk this week about the fact

that she was a woman,

but I mean, I knew all along.

LAUGHTER

We're sort of beyond gender, in a way.

She had such conviction

and such amazing confidence in herself

that I think that whatever she'd been born,

she wouldn't have thought that that was a hindrance.

Even if she'd been born a man...

..or a goat, it wouldn't have stopped her.

-You think she'd have been Britain's first goat Prime Minister?

-Well, she would have been.

And now we'd all be saying, "Against all odds, at a time

"when it was inconceivable that a goat would have been elected as a

"member of parliament..."

I hardly think that she would have been against the Nanny State though.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What did John Gummer have to say?

Nothing interesting.

LAUGHTER

He said...

LAUGHTER

What? Walking and picking up things?

LAUGHTER

Did you also see the misunderstanding over a Twitter conversation called...

Oh, yes.

Which upset fans of the popular singer Cher, who thought she'd died.

Now that Cher's dead.

LAUGHTER

There were some errors on mainstream television also.

Did you see how the BBC announced the news?

Yes, can we see it again?

LAUGHTER

Sorry to interrupt you there, just cos there's one more line,

just as you were reading that, which has just come in from Lord Bell.

He's been quoted saying,

"It is with great sadness that Mark

"and Carol Thatcher announced that their mother Baroness Thatcher

"died peacefully following a strike this morning."

LAUGHTER

And Thailand's Channel Five showed a photo of Meryl Streep instead.

LAUGHTER

Here's another question.

Why weren't Thatcher's children there at the end?

Perhaps Mark was still on the run?

Yes that's...

LAUGHTER

Actually, I was on paper review with Carol Thatcher the day...

It was revealed in the papers that Mark Thatcher was

a multi-millionaire. And she said, "I don't see how that can be.

"He's never done a day's work in his life."

LAUGHTER

That's true. Keep it in.

LAUGHTER

That's all the lawyer needs to hear. "That's true.

"Keep it in." That's what we should do.

-It was in the autobiography and he hasn't sued.

-But no-one's read that.

LAUGHTER

-You're in it.

-Am I?

-Yeah.

-Blimey.

-Private eyes.

It's when you said I had a secret Swiss bank account into which

Gaddafi put 250,000.

-Did we get the figure wrong?

-No...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, I have to say they were abroad.

What did Maggie once say about her son?

Did she only say something once about him?

LAUGHTER

Well, she said...

But mainly just arms to nasty...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now how did the BBC expose their own lefty tendencies

and their utter contempt for Thatcher's memory?

They interviewed her enemies who said unpleasant things about her

and then they interviewed her friends,

most of whom also said unpleasant things about her.

And now the BBC interviewed Gerry Adams. What did he say?

Didn't he go on about how she supported a whole

list of things he didn't approve of, basically.

Well, he said...

Although not as much as all those bombs, eh, Jerry?

All right, Jerry, any time, you pillock.

Straight between your gizzard.

LAUGHTER

I thought he politically moved on from issuing threats

to former members of the IRA.

The BBC also interviewed Maggie's biggest fan and disciple,

Tony Blair. Did you see his tribute? He said...

He certainly changed the landscape of Baghdad.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, Tony. He had a heart operation.

He had one put in?

LAUGHTER

Now, Lord Howe of Aberavon was asked was

asked by Sky for his thoughts on his time in Thatcher's cabinet.

He said...

Yes, that's the idea when someone dies, Geoffrey.

A bit of reminiscing about old stuff.

COME ON, SHAPE UP!

I think you were on safer ground attacking Geoffrey Howe

than you were with Gerry Adams.

Did you hear about Julian Styles?

According to the Mirror...

30 years...without a job.

Pull your finger out, Julian, you lazy bastard!

I'll kill you, you bastard.

Let's abandon this show. Brian says, "Who wants a fight?"

Line up in alphabetical order - Adams, you're first.

-The celebrations...

-There has been...

-Speak.

There have been lunacy on both sides.

The more conservative press has got very overexcited

and there are plans to rename London Thatcher.

-Did you know that?

-Port Stanley, I think.

-And the statue.

Do you want her on the fourth plinth?

When I became mayor I was told,

because they were going, "What you going to do with it?"

I said "It's reserved for Her Majesty when she dies."

I'm not supposed to say that. They said, "You can't tell anyone".

Rather than put the Queen up there we should have a statue,

rather than actually put her up there.

That would be a bit grisly.

That's why they had all those temporary things

They put her up there,

there will be endless demos, people trying to pull it down.

It will be just like the Saddam Hussein thing -

people pulling it down with ropes.

That and a ring of steel of Daily Mail readers guarding the flame.

LAUGHTER

The celebrations of Thatcher's death

have been criticised by all sides, including Tony Blair.

Blair said this...

Although philosophically speaking, he'd be dead.

LAUGHTER

If he believes in an afterlife, he'll be looking down on the celebrations.

- Or looking up.

APPLAUSE

Margaret Thatcher is to have a ceremonial funeral.

-What's it going to cost?

-Ten million.

-Absolutely right.

Between ten and 40 million.

I don't understand this.

Look, when I was a kid, I used to make coffins.

I left school at 14, love. I made hundreds of coffins.

I could do it cheaply. Only cost 25 quid.

In those days, even though they weren't dead

you punched them into the coffin - get down there.

Brian has just offered to do the whole thing for 25 quid,

which has got to be the lowest bid.

I think it's out to tender, give it to Brian.

The BBC News produced an artist's impression

of what the funeral might look like.

LAUGHTER

It's a bit like Reservoir Dogs.

LAUGHTER

All the retrospectives of Thatcher's reign

have brought back some memories.

Do you recall what the eminent Dr Jonathan Miller

said about Thatcher?

It's good that Jonathan Miller reminds us

occasionally of what a twat he is.

LAUGHTER

-Line them up.

-Line them up!

-Am I on that?

-Yes, you're on this now.

-I don't know what you're on!

LAUGHTER

Yes, this is the solemn news that one of our greatest peacetime

prime ministers has died.

But don't worry, GORDON'S ALIVE!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Jeffrey Archer paid tribute to Lady Thatcher, saying...

Jeffrey Archer, not just a terrible writer but also a terrible writer.

LAUGHTER

Lord Saatchi joined in the tribute saying...

Has he not read the papers?

Lady Thatcher's funeral will be held in central London next Wednesday.

It will be a full ceremonial occasion with military honours.

But at her own request there will be no fly past.

Although the Argentinean Air Force did offer.

LAUGHTER

Paul and Bridget, my sugar lumps.

-Yes.

-Take a look at this.

Another one of the feel-good stories of the week.

LAUGHTER

This is a man who is extremely dangerous.

-Getting hop scotch very wrong.

-Absolutely.

There he is being applauded.

Every body laughing and clapping because he's fantastic.

He's conducting his own symphony which he's written inside a tank.

You managed to have someone on who makes Mrs Thatcher

look rational and human.

LAUGHTER

That's why you're here.

LAUGHTER

Let's see how Jeremy Paxman

introduced this major international story on Newsnight.

There have mercifully been no hostilities yet

and the natural response to the spectacle of a fat little man

in an absurd boiler suit issuing such threats is perhaps to laugh.

LAUGHTER

-Who wants to see the North Korean Embassy in London?

-Yes, please.

It's not quite as grand as you might expect.

It's a semi-detached house in Ealing where according to neighbours...

It's a seven-bedroom property so if nothing else North Korea

now owes us 98 quid a week in bedroom tax.

What have US soldiers been doing which involves Camp Stanley?

They're practicing anti-chemical warfare techniques.

I've got terrible wind.

LAUGHTER

This is chemical warfare.

If someone kills Brian, the list of suspects is going to be enormous.

LAUGHTER

Some experts believe we can predict the next move of North Korea

-because they've got a thing about the number nine.

-Yes.

Now, what is it?

It's a lucky number. It has a great significance in their culture.

-That's right. Now, nine is regarded as a very lucky number.

-Yeah.

The first nuclear test took place October 9th, 2006.

That's my birthday.

Second was on April 5th, 2009 and that's significant,

according to the magazine...

COUGHS

..Business Insider, because...

Sorry, what was the... Did you...?

W-What was the first word?

LAUGHTER

-Now, it says here five plus four equals nine...

-Yeah.

-..and the nine of 2009.

-Yeah.

-Now, the next nuclear test was on 12 December, 2012...

-Yeah.

..and therefore one plus two

plus one plus two plus one plus two

-of 2012 equals nine.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

And the North Koreans announced they couldn't protect foreign diplomats

-after Wednesday of this week which was...

-The 9th.

April the 10th.

LAUGHTER

We're dealing with lunatics!

This is the deranged, power-crazed dictator...

Hey, hang on a minute.

Haven't we done with her?

LAUGHTER

I'm getting it wrong, no. Obviously, it's Kim Jong Un

and his desire to make his own mark on the world

in the shape of a bloody great crater.

LAUGHTER

And here's a recent picture of Kim Jong Un...

applying for the manager's job at Sunderland.

LAUGHTER

Our tensions were further escalated this week when North Korea

warned they would restart their nuclear reactor with

the chilling words,

"OK, boys, start pedalling."

LAUGHTER

And so on to Round Two and a new game that I'm calling

Have I Got Noise For You.

LAUGHTER

Along with a picture clue, I'm going to make a noise...

LAUGHS

..which should tell you what the story's about.

So we start with...

SINGS OPERATIC LOVE SONG

WHISTLES

SINGS MELODY

WHISTLES

IMITATES STATIC

# Lady in red. #

Now, what are those?

LAUGHTER

KEN: I think the pandas have started having sex

but I don't think they make that much noise about it.

-They don't really get very, sort of, you know...horny.

-No.

-It takes a lot to get them going.

-Yeah.

Do you know you came top in a poll of the sexiest bearded men?

-Did I really?

-Yeah, I heard about it somewhere.

I mean you were only running against Osama bin Laden.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Eh, this is the news that Yang Guang, Edinburgh Zoo's male panda,

has had his radio switched from Classic FM to Smooth Radio to

help get him in the mood to mate.

-You didn't say that, did you?

-No, we didn't, no.

LAUGHTER

What have gorillas been in the news for this week?

Two children...

-Two children.

-..were standing in front of their enclosure with bananas

and the gorilla went nuts, rightly so,

and was banging on the glass and...

Brilliant, brilliant, Bridget, you've got it.

A gorilla called Motaba has been indulging in a bit of what is

popularly called photobombing.

Here he is.

LAUGHTER

This is the news that Edinburgh Zoo's pandas may be about to mate.

According to the Telegraph, if the mating doesn't take place, the zoo

will attempt artificial insemination using samples taken from Yang Guang.

-He's not the president of North Korea, is he?

-No. Not at the moment.

-No, I'm getting mixed up.

-Yeah.

I mean that's a traumatising experience for both a panda

and the work experience boy.

LAUGHTER

And here's your next noise clue. Here we go.

Ka-ching!

Boo!

LAUGHTER

-This is the banker.

-BRIDGET: Yes, Jim, James...

-Crosby.

-Crosby.

-Yep.

So there were three bankers who were finally in HBOS which is

Halifax-Bank of Scotland which collapsed spectacularly

and had to be bailed out by the taxpayer,

and the three people in charge are finally,

after all these years, been found guilty

and the Parliamentary Standards Committee were incredibly

cross with them and a banker has offered to give his knighthood back.

Gosh, you're a mine of information.

If he was a mine of information,

Margaret Thatcher would have closed him down years ago.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, this lot...

What was interesting about this man, James Crosby,

is as well as being in charge of HBOS,

he was deputy chairman of the Financial Services Authority which

was meant to look into scandals in the City and amazingly,

he didn't see his own.

Why are we saying that that's a great thing for him to do?

It doesn't really seem... I mean are titles very important?

KEN: John Lennon returned his gong, didn't he, so it's a good precedent.

BRIDGET: Yeah and I lost my title when I got married,

it didn't bother me at all.

-What were you?

-Miss.

LAUGHTER

Ian, as well as his knighthood,

what's Sir James kindly giving back?

He's giving back some of his pension.

25% of his pension so he's got to get by on 400 grand a year.

God knows how he'll manage.

It's tough, isn't it, Ken?

You tried.

LAUGHTER

Well, me dogs, he's kindly giving back 30% of his annual

pension every year until he dies.

Though that still leaves him taking 400,000 a year or,

in other words, the piss.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Now, time now for the Odd One Out round.

-It's you!

LAUGHTER

Just one between you this week.

Liz Hurley,

Carina Trimingham,

George Osborne

and a snow car.

BRIDGET: Is it the car made of snow...because the other three

pollute the atmosphere?

LAUGHTER

Is it actually a car covered in snow or made out of snow?

It's a car made of snow.

KEN: Liz Hurley's then-partner got done in a small crime in a car

-parked, didn't he?

-Yeah.

-Hugh Grant.

-Yes.

You've got to name names, don't worry about Leveson.

I'll protect you.

LAUGHTER

Either George Osborne has had an illicit affair or the car.

Now, if you had to have sex with one of those two, which would you go for?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

We think it's the car.

LAUGHTER

-For the reason I gave?

-No, no.

BRIDGET: Osborne parked in a disabled bay this week in McDonalds

and he got a ticket.

The car that's made out of snow was only a temporary problem because

it melted.

LAUGHTER

-What's her car offence?

-Liz Hurley?

Hugh Grant. Oh, well...

I don't think she was there,

that's part of the reason why the offence occurred.

LAUGHTER

-I think, I-I...

-Yeah, go on, tell us.

Gentlemen...L-Ladies and gentlemen,

I have to say that I'm actually losing my mind at the moment.

I think we've gone way past that event.

LAUGHTER

They've all received a parking ticket apart from

George Osborne who didn't because he can park wherever he likes.

According to the Mirror,

he parked his £50,000 taxpayer-funded Land Rover

in a space for the disabled.

Which Osborne clearly isn't, as we can see here...

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

# Just a man and his will to survive

# So many times it happens too fast

# You trade your passion for glory... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

Its a real shame he wasn't any good,

because beforehand he was so excited.

Sorry.

LAUGHTER

That's the Olympic legacy in one clip.

Carina Trimingham, Chris Huhne's girlfriend,

was given a £110 penalty for parking in a permit-holder's bay

while visiting him at Wandsworth Prison.

-I went to Ford once.

-You went to what?

-Ford Open Prison.

-Did you?

-Yeah, it's very nice in there.

What were you done for?

No, really, what were you done for? Just laughing it off like that.

Unless you feel you've paid your debt to society?

I just don't feel we should go back. I've been rehabilitated.

As what?

He's in Leyhill Open Prison in Gloucestershire,

which has been described as...

I usually prefer the Ritz. Though not this week,

it must have been like that episode of Fawlty Towers in there.

Liz Hurley was recently £240 worth of parking tickets

when she left her car on the streets of Mayfair for four days,

after she had forgotten where she had parked it.

Apparently, it was down to the Sun newspaper,

who reported that they managed to trace the car

to the street where she left it.

God, they're good! Aren't they?

I wonder how they done it.

I wonder if they used any sort of technology?

Rich people don't behave like you and I -

all my money goes on my animals.

We don't know about leaving a little car here and a little car there.

-What animals do you have?

-He's got 3,000 animals.

Yes, thousands of animals, yes.

-And so we just...

-What...?

-What are they?

-Are you expecting a flood?

-I have to tell you now...

Should we not know?

They have all received

a parking ticket,

apart from George Osborne,

who didn't because he can park wherever he likes.

George Osborne's car was parked illegally

when he went to get a meal in McDonald's.

Well, as a Chancellor,

he's used to opening boxes with unpleasant surprises inside(!)

Osborne stopped at McDonald's just off the M4 as he returned from...

Where a group of toddlers pointed out the holes

in his Deficit Reduction Plan.

So, the final scores are...

Bridget and Paul have got six.

And my two friends on the right, the ex-Lord Mayor Mr Livingstone

and Ian Hislop - they've got six!

A wonderful draw!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE OVER CONVERSATION

That felt really good - someone referring to me and Ken as,

"My two friends on the right".

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

Ian Hislop and Ken Livingstone, Paul Merton and Bridget Christie!

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that in Alabama,

a group of gay rights activists campaign for same-sex marriage.

In South West China, a cormorant salesman is advised by locals

to "go and get those looked at".

And the row over the cost of Lady Thatcher's funeral escalates,

with the delivery of the hearse.

Good night and don't let the bastards grind you down.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

And so our little thing is, which won't be shown...

You can see my hands.

We used to play marbles and we had ball bearings

and we had glass arrows and we had glass marbles in the war years.

And as a good marble player...

A poor player did that, but a good marble player could turn -

which is rather handsome -

put the marble just there, between the thumb and finger and shoot.

And you had immense accuracy.

Have you lost any of those marbles since then?