Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Ray Winstone.

In the news this week, at the beginning of a long sea voyage

the crew of a fishing trawler

discover the television is stuck on ITV2.

Kim Jong Un...

LAUGHTER

It's easy for you to say.

Informs the West that his signal to launch the nuclear strike

will be delivered by their lightning-fast,

high-tech communication methods.

And in Tokyo, after three days,

representatives from the Guinness Book of Records

stand by to present the award for the world's longest yawn.

On Ian's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist

who recently won an award for Hatchet Job of the Year.

An award previously won by an East End acquaintance of mine,

Dickie "the Axe-Man" Wilson.

Please welcome Camilla Long.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who recently said that,

"Television mainly serves the talentless."

Welcome back, for the 11th time, Reginald D Hunter.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.

-That's the White Heather Club.

-Dancing, socks.

-Osborne. No idea what that is.

-Tiny tears, that's what it is.

-Oh, more Scottish dancing.

-More dancing.

-You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you?

-Yes.

Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it.

If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them,

"Well, you can't have the pound."

And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland...

his title isn't clear yet, he may be King.

Last year he was really keen on having the Euro

but then something happened.

Do you think they'll give the opportunity for an alternative

currency that none of us have ever heard of?

-Yes. The Mars Bar.

-Yes.

So what do the Scots want?

Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.

Hold on a minute.

They want independence as a nation...

If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers?

They've given a with list of what they want. They want the Queen.

They want the pound.

They want to stay in NATO, they want to stay in the EU.

I'm pretty pro-union so I see it as a joint enterprise,

like a long marriage.

About 300 years.

No, it's a long argument in the kitchen, is what it is, to be fair.

And who's won?

Well, it's usually the bird, innit?

All right.

Why is George Osborne saying they can't have it?

It's basically saying...it's a bit of a threat.

It's saying, "Vote no and you'll be all right."

So if Scotland becomes a separate country,

he doesn't want the Scottish economy to drag us all down with it.

But, to be fair, Scotland's economy does have its strengths -

their chief exports being oil, whiskey, tartan, and tramps.

Sometimes combined in one glorious package.

One for the audience -

should we all be happy to let the Scots keep the pound or should

we just tell them to bugger off?

Hands up who says bugger off.

Oh, no!

So what's the latest economic news then?

We nearly went into recession, but we didn't. So George Osborne says,

"That's fine. We've got enormous growth of about 0.3%"

It's bang on, yeah.

-Which is four-fifths of

-BLEEP

-all.

APPLAUSE

That's exactly right.

What have we narrowly escaped?

Is it a Martian death ray?

-A triple-dip recession.

-Right.

-Right?

So what's so bad about that?

If you've got a series of dips, it's better to have two.

Rather than three.

Guacamole, hummus, no.

Don't do the third. No-one likes it.

On learning that we avoided a triple-dip, Sky News went straight

to their most serious-looking economic expert for a reaction.

We're still apparently 1.2 trillion in debt

and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it?

It depends if we go to Wonga or not.

400 years.

So it's not really our problem, is it?

Despite all of this, loads of Bulgarians

want to come here and live. But do you know why?

-To meet Nigel Farage?

-Have a look.

Mainly because of Top Gear, I'm not sure, because it's, you know,

it's a great passion for me and I really, really like the presenters.

But I thought Farage went to Bulgaria.

Farage went to Bulgaria, Cameron's followed him to see

how people would respond to him

and almost every Bulgarian said..."Do you want to come to England?"

They said, "No, no, not at all, no, I don't want to."

REGINALD: That was a very impressive facsimile you did of Bulgarians.

I've been practicing.

As I'm American, there's no subtext to my compliment. I meant it.

So, what are hospitals thinking of doing to save money?

Opening.

-Closing.

-Yeah.

Treat them? I don't know.

That's the question, I need the answer, don't I?

This is where it gets quite scary.

Yes, I know, I'm a bit frightened already.

-Don't you read the paper?

-Uh, yes.

I write bits of it.

Turfing out old people who are only slightly ill,

and putting them into hotels.

Yes, it's halfway between a nursing home and a hospital.

Apparently it costs 300 quid to spend the night in hospital

and only 65 quid in the Premier Inn.

This has been tried in several foreign countries

and according to the Health Minister, Earl Howe -

I'm ready when she is.

Right, staying with the NHS, what do they want to regulate more closely?

-Nurses.

-No.

They do, you know.

Getting more near like what we do with how we look, you know?

-Plastic surgery.

-Ah, see, babe, you're on the right track.

Thanks, "babe".

You sexy, old Father Time.

APPLAUSE

I think the rest of us should just leave discreetly.

Unlike my comment, their comments are full of subtext.

Well, according to the NHS, medical director Sir Bruce Keogh...

Are those two of the objects you can have put into your buttocks?

What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been hintin' at?

-"Been..."?

-"Been hinting at"?

LAUGHTER

-What have they been hinting at?

-Don't know.

So posh.

You're wearing a suit.

I can afford it.

APPLAUSE

That's cos you don't pay any tax.

AUDIENCE OOHS

That's the way he's dressed up, he was in court this morning.

Plea bargainin'.

-Give us a clue.

-No.

-I am now sulky.

-CAMILLA: Why?

No, I'm going to tell you.

They've been leaking and then denying that Labour will crank up

-public spending if they get elected.

-Ah, right.

Telling everyone right now that they are going to boost public spending

is a big gamble so what are they waiting for?

Bet in play...NOW.

What is the betting thing?

Have you done something with betting, Ray?

-You haven't seen them?

-No.

-It's in the middle of football matches.

-Yes, no.

Now, to put the tin hat on everything,

what has the terrible weather we've had done to my breakfast?

Is that another cockney saying?

"What has the weather done to me breakfast?"

I'm going to take that back to Georgia

and shock the hell out of them.

This is about Weetabix, Ray.

There'd been a very bad harvest because of the terrible weather,

there hasn't been enough wheat,

there isn't enough Weetabix

so they've restricted it and you haven't got any.

Yeah.

It's only going to posh people.

Congratulations, Ian.

I had six.

What a bastard.

What have the cereal manufacturers

Happy Foods called their latest cereal?

-Miserable.

-Nah.

Well, here's the ad for it.

Brian and Corin Mullins invented a breakfast of champions.

In 2009, the couple launched Holy Crap cereal

as a healthy breakfast alternative.

At what point are you meant to shout, "Holy crap"?

When it arrives on the table? When you eat it? When you...?

REGINALD: I think much later.

APPLAUSE

This is the row as to whether the independent Scotland

would be able to use the pound as its currency.

Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a...

..which sounds good but the way the economy's going,

I think we'll be calling it Poundland.

Meanwhile, the Sun interviewed an economist in the ING Bank who

said that, following the much-better-than-expected

0.3% increase in GDP...

A moment's fine...

but a lifetime's taking the piss.

APPLAUSE

-Paul and Reg.

-Yeah.

-Yes, sir.

-Yeah, about time, eh?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Take a look at this.

-Right-o.

Right, I'll put some pressure on you all now.

-Empty street, nothing happening. A house.

-Sleepy neighbourhood.

-Sleepy...man on bike.

-Yeah, it's a big high point of the today.

Eh, policeman dressed in 1940s fashion.

Yeah, Britain before immigration. Aw, things was lovely.

I think, judging by looking at this footage of things that aren't

happening and the policeman at the end is probably the clue,

-is it about falling crime rates?

-Ah, you are good, Paul.

You're much better than him.

Yeah, this is the news that rates of violent crime

and murder are falling rapidly, apart from in my films.

According to the UK Peace Index,

-well, it's fallen by 25% in the past ten years.

-That's pretty good.

The number of police officers dropped by 6%.

-Do you think there's a link?

-Well, there might be.

But it still leaves 19% unaccounted for.

Well, it might be that, um, the recession is affecting everybody.

Back home, my cousins,

he got robbed by a man with a bullet...cos he didn't have a gun.

He was like going...

"Don't make me throw this at you."

According to UK Peace Index, what is the most peaceful part of Britain?

-It's Norfolk.

-It's Norfolk.

-Yeah.

-And funny enough, it's...it's...eh, Brawland.

-Where?

Bro...eh, Brooklyn...Broland.

-How do you say that?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Broadland.

Broadland, ah!

Just eight violent crimes were recorded in 2012, right?

Here's one of the top stories this week in their local newspaper...

..and here's the shocking scene...

At one point, the waves were crashing into the vehicle up

to a height of six inches.

LAUGHTER

Why does Tory county councillor John Cherry fear a rise in crime?

Because ethnic minority children are being bussed down to Swanage

-or somewhere where he lives...

-Sussex.

Sussex...and he has objected to this in the strongest possible terms

and not very friendly terms, I think.

Is he also worried because somebody's recently stuck a bridge through his head?

LAUGHTER

He's too proud to admit it but he has to go there every rush hour

and stand there for half an hour. He's too proud to admit it.

The inner city school in Stockwell, London plans to open its own

boarding school in a posh part of West Sussex

and send 600 of its pupils there.

John Cherry told the Mail on Sunday...

John Cherry is no longer a member

of the Conservative Party - although he is still a councillor...

and a prat.

APPLAUSE

This is a study which shows that violent crime has fallen

throughout the UK.

Sexual crime has also fallen,

although that's largely due to Top of the Pops being cancelled.

Meanwhile, the legal battle over Abu Qatada continues.

Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper

mocked the Government's failing, saying...

Something everyone would like to see,

except perhaps the other passengers.

Right, round two's coming up.

How's that going to pan out?

The latest odds are on your screen now.

You're not encouraging the audience to bet, are you?

This next round is the strengthometer of news.

Fingers on the buzzers, team - here's the first one.

BUZZER

Oh, yes, this is the rather unfortunate graphic

that's turned Lord Leveson's head into an arse, but...

LAUGHTER

This is David Sherborne - he was acting for most of the celebrities -

-and her name is...?

-Carine Patry Hoskins.

Thank you. Who was acting for the inquiry -

she was assisting Lord Leveson.

And...the feeling is that there was a, sort of,

perceived conflict of interest when someone acting for one party is...

is in a relationship with the other.

But they rather confused things by saying they weren't

in a relationship, they'd gone to the Greek island of Santorini...

together, secretly,

to discuss whether they should have a relationship(!)

Were they drawn to each other

because their heads don't fit properly on their bodies?

Let's get a helium balloon, in the shape of Lord Leveson,

and just have them...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

The question is - how do you manage to go to Santorini and NOT have sex?

I mean, it's a complete pants-off place.

-Have you been?

-I've been, alone.

REGINALD: A lot of people seem to feel,

if they really want to have the kind of sex that they want to have,

they have to leave the country - like they go to Spain, or somewhere.

British people do that a lot.

It's like, "Oh, my God, I don't want people to know I enjoy sex,

"so I'm going to go to Thailand or...

-"I've got an erection, get me to the airport."

-Yeah.

Fingers on the buzzers, team.

There is a brilliant poodle that makes dresses

but it can only stick with one pattern.

And it's made...

It's made a dress for her and it's made the shirt for him.

REGINALD: Yeah, what do you think about that?

I know what I think about it and I said it!

-I think it's a better answer.

-Oh, OK.

This is the news that married couple Nancy and Donald Featherstone

wore matching clothes for 35 years.

Here they are on holiday.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Is that Santorini?

Now, what is Donald's claim to fame? Apart from this, obviously.

He used to wear other clothes.

-He invented something - you see him in Africa.

-A flamingo!?

He invented flamingos?

-Here are the couple with the ornaments.

-Ah.

He looks like he's been run over.

-He's got a tyre mark right across his...

-Yeah.

I have a feeling that this is her idea.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Paul and Rich, your four are Luis Suarez,

the West Midlands police officer, Mark Thompson

and Peach the Alsatian.

Well, Suarez, of course, is in the news...

he bit a Chelsea player on the arm last week during a match at Anfield.

Mark Thompson used to be Director General of the BBC -

he once bit somebody else on the arm,

I think, during a journalistic argument somewhere.

I don't know about the policeman, or the dog,

but I'd guess the dog's odd one out

-because it doesn't bite any people, it's got no teeth.

-No.

I give up then.

They've all bitten someone apart

-from the West Midlands police officer...

-Who was bitten?

Yeah, he was bitten by a flea in a police station.

Was the flea helping police with enquiries at the time?

It turned out, this week, that a lot of policemen are suing

-their employers for what we would consider minor infringements.

-Yes.

This bloke was bitten by a flea and he sued his own police authority.

Yeah, he sued West Midlands Police and received an £8,000 payout.

-So, Luis Suarez.

-Yeah.

Now, we're not allowed to show you the footage -

here's an artist's representation.

I mean, what was the general reaction?

Well, I was delighted because I bet on it.

I put 100 monkeys...

Those busy little bees on Twitter to Photoshopping him

in various ways, here's one...

And another...

-Peach the Alsatian.

-Yes.

Now, police officers in West Yorkshire became exasperated

when prosecutors asked for an account of the crime from a

PC Peach, not realising Peach was, in fact, the name of the police dog.

Here is the witness statement the Crown Prosecution Service

complained about...

It makes a change from, "He drunk, he stumble in cells, he dead -

"I never touched him."

Ian and Camilla, here are yours.

Cliff Richard, the Oxford cox,

the Norwegian log fire and the new Dutch king's inaugural song.

-The new Dutch king had a song for his coronation.

-Yeah.

A special song and decided he hated it.

-The Oxford cox - he swore a lot during the race this year.

-Yes.

Swore like a porn star...

all the way through.

Is Cliff Richard the only one who's been uncomfortable

because he's been placed directly above a fire?

"We're All Going On A Summer Barbeque"?

Isn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs and getting logs

and putting them in a fire?

And they complained about the way the logs were stacked.

That's exactly right.

But no-one has ever complained about Cliff because he's great.

So, who's the odd one out then?

Cliff, because he's going on a summer holiday...

..and we're not.

Right, well, they've all caused an audience to complain

but it's about people moaning...

You know, Cliff isn't known for making people known, is he?

But they have all caused...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

But they have all caused an audience to complain,

apart from Cliff Richard, whose music causes audiences to die.

Have you got any evidence for that?

Yes, those people who heard Bachelor Boy 1961 who are no longer with us.

According to Gardeners' Question Time,

a study conducted on the effect of music on plants

revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music...

Whereas the ones in the Black Sabbath greenhouse all flourished.

All the plants in Snoop Dogg's greenhouse were impounded by police.

A Norwegian log fire.

This is a log fire that was aired for eight hours

on Norwegian TV during the peak Friday night slot.

The programme, you know, it divided the nation.

An expert said...

The Dutch King's Song, a song composed to mark

the inauguration of the new King of the Netherlands was

withdrawn by the composer after it attracted a storm of criticism.

Let's have a look.

MUSIC: "Het Koningslied" by John Ewbank

THEY SING IN DUTCH

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As long as they are both willing participants.

Perhaps he is trying to get a reduction on his car insurance.

APPLAUSE

According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is...

..known as crap.

-I think I'd rather like that.

-What?

-Zadok the

-BLEEP.

I think that would be really good.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You'll never guess what I just imagined.

I imagined that was empty.

That's the best reaction I have ever got out of Paul.

-You have never said

-BLEEP

-before.

Well, that has guaranteed that to be in otherwise you

wouldn't explain this to anybody.

-Oh, dear.

-The Missing Word round is coming up.

-Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that.

-Who is going to be the daddy?

The latest odds on your screen now.

Have a bang on that.

This week's guest publication is the Teddy Bear Times.

To be honest, inside it is mostly padding.

And we start with...

CAMILLA: Oh, yes, isn't it the man

who said the rude word presenting the news?

This is newsreader AJ Clemente on his first anchoring shift.

Let's see how he got on.

You're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota news.

Your news leader in high definition.

OK, BLEEP, shit.

Good evening. I'm, Van Tieu.

LAUGHTER

..AJ on NBC North Dakota News

and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.

-Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ.

-Thanks, Van, I'm very excited.

I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, um,

you know, from being from the East Coast.

OK, well, welcome aboard, AJ.

-She seems to already know that his ass is gone.

-Yeah.

Absolutely.

I think if he had been really clever

after he had sort of accidentally sworn - "The news in just now -

"Newsreader swears at beginning of live broadcast.

"Reactions coming in in a moment." That's what I would have done.

But I think newsreaders should.

It would be more interesting if they swore. Like,

"This bullshit just in."

Do you know what though? Next...

There was the ex-Tory MP Louise Mensch. It is not her, is it?

-I can't believe you got it that quick.

-She has had her face done.

I sat next to her here. I had no idea.

That you were sitting next to her?

I didn't know she was...

I'm not surprised, the way you carry on, you foul-mouthed devil.

One law for the rich

and another law for people who are hosting shows in North Dakota.

And finally...

-Is the name of a bear?

-Must be.

-No.

It is something to do with comfort and it will keep you nice and...

-Warm.

-Cosy.

-Yeah, say you was on a boat somewhere.

Where does a boat sail?

-A harbour. Sea.

-Yeah, sea. Yeah, yeah.

-Dry.

-Will keep you...

Where would you like to be when you are at sea?

Keep you... On a... I'm on a boat. I'm on a boat.

The waves are coming in, look.

APPLAUSE

I can't believe I did that again.

APPLAUSE

Three times.

Is that the answer?

-No.

-Oh.

Will keep you warm at sea.

This is, of course, designer Gay Wimpory who has

created this teddy bear sailor jacket for when

the sea breezes get a bit chilly.

The sailor teddy actually owns a pair of trousers as well

but he has just taken them off

and he is waiting his turn in the teddy bear brothel.

The final scores are

Paul and Reginald, six,

-Ian and Camilla...

-HE CHUCKLES

..eight.

APPLAUSE

There is time for the caption competition.

Ian and Camilla have this.

They're all saying, "Are you going to her funeral? No. No. Not me."

Paul and Reg get that.

Reginald wasn't like the other chickens.

REG: When he opened his eyes,

he realised he had not been granted quite the wish he had asked for.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Camilla Long,

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter

and I leave you with news that Boris Johnson is very keen to

try out a new fare-dodging scheme currently on trial in Asia.

In Berlin, there is evidence that Germany's prune shortage is

beginning to have an effect.

And a new arrival settles in to Battersea Dogs Home.

Ray the Jack Russell makes it very clear who's the daddy.

Blinding geezer.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd