Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

In the news this week - in Salford, a local reporter double-checks

when the BBC's new head of pronunciation will start work.

Tomorra'.

Tomorrow.

Tomorra'.

-Tomorrow.

-Tomorra'.

It's "Tomorrow."

No, it's "Tomorra."

LAUGHTER

The man who invested millions in the Spice Girls musical,

demonstrates what he'd do if he met them now.

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

LAUGHTER

And on a street in Tunisia,

a women is seen trying to reverse into a parking space.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

On Ian's team tonight is A Conservative MP who has been

described as "a right-wing Euro-sceptic,

"with strange hair it's impossible to avoid referring to".

Oh, and he also has strange hair.

Will you please welcome - Michael Fabricant and his strange hair.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a poet who recently said that Shakespeare

and Baudelaire are the only poets he thinks are better than him.

Which is debatable, but he's cheaper and the other two are dead.

So, please welcome John Cooper Clarke.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Michael, take a look at this.

-Yes.

-Ah.

-Nigel Farage.

-Yes.

Oh, this is the crushing defeat of the Conservative party.

Now look, I'm vice chairman,

supposed to be in charge of parliamentary campaigning for...

So, a good night for you then?

How do you think it went?

I think it went, eh... Shall we discuss my hair?

LAUGHTER

Yes, this is the government's rightward lurch,

otherwise known as David Cameron.

Which hoary old chestnut has

re-emerged to haunt David Cameron?

Europe.

Well, it's Nigel Lawson, actually.

Despite being 81, he has now changed his mind,

proving he's a proper Tory.

He says, we should leave Europe

and that'll get the core vote back to your lot.

Let me ask you a question -

what has David Cameron made the Queen do this week?

Well, she had to make a speech.

That's right.

But it was mercifully short, I thought.

It contains measures on controlling rights of immigrants to the benefits

system and scrapping widows' pensions

for foreigners living abroad.

So, Michael if you married an exotic Filipino dancer on a business trip

to Manila and then snuffed it, she wouldn't get your pension.

Quite right, some might say.

Speaking of trips abroad, what's this about you

and a jar of Coffee-Mate?

Oh. well...

I was walking in Columbia, and it wasn't a jar of Coffee-Mate,

I'd rather stupidly put it in little sachets, because...

LAUGHTER

I was walking in the jungle and these armed guys came along

and they looked in my backpack and they we were saying, "What is this?"

And I reacted in my usual way, so they were convinced that I was...

On drugs!

..on drugs.

LAUGHTER

Who was the person you were with?

I will not reveal it at this particular point in time,

as he will be embarrassed.

What, to have gone there with you?

Probably.

What else are the government pledging to get rid of?

They're always doing this.

-Ah. We're getting rid of red tape.

-Absolutely.

We're always doing that.

Well, we're going to do it this time!

What problems might new proposed government legislation have

caused this man, for example?

Oh, he's a landlord, isn't he?

-He is.

-Rossiter in Rising Damp.

Yes, landlords are being asked to check the legal

status of anybody coming from abroad that's renting rooms from them.

That's right, which will involve landlords filling in a lot

of forms, which will involve them in quite a lot of red tape.

Yeah, but look at this picture again - they look foreign to me!

A SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER

-Which ones?

-I'd rather not say.

Yeah, I'd imagine you wouldn't!

Are you a real person? You're not, like, a character actor?

LAUGHTER

This isn't like...

APPLAUSE

Now, let me ask you - what wasn't mentioned in the Queen's speech?

The career of Kirk Douglas.

Technically, that is correct.

Never gets mentioned at all, it's as if he never even made a film.

-Gay marriage.

-Indeed. That's right.

But that's because it's already going through, you see.

So, it wasn't new legislation.

So, it wasn't just an attempt to look a bit tougher?

-No, we're trying to look hunky.

-Look a bit butcher.

Well, I've been asked to look very hunky,

don't you think I'm succeeding?

LAUGHTER

Do you know, I'm so worried, I have no response!

LAUGHTER

I'm the new butch-look of the Conservative Party.

Oh, dear, what do the camp ones look like?

LAUGHTER

The Queen's speech was actually written

before the elections last week.

How do we know this?

It takes several days for the ink to dry on the vellum.

It does take three days to dry out. a bit like the old Queen Mother.

LAUGHTER

So...

back to UKIP, briefly.

Michael, you were one of the first to suggest a pact with UKIP

-last year, weren't you?

-Didn't go well.

You said...

-Yep.

-Ooh.

-All parties have them.

-Not the BNP though, surely?

LAUGHTER

And now, Nadine Dorries, she's back in the Tory fold,

which I'm sure everyone's very pleased about.

Which other high-calibre names are lining up to be

UKIP General Election candidates? Do you know?

Both the Hamiltons.

-That's right.

-Christine and Neil.

Yes, you groan!

But come the Farage cabinet, you'll be looking at the Home Secretary...

LAUGHTER

..and the First Lord of The Admiralty.

That's Christine!

LAUGHTER

Why shouldn't the government be too worried

about UKIP in a General Election?

Because, if the get the same percentage of the vote,

which is about 23% of the vote, they won't get any seats at all.

So, quarter of the country can vote for you, and you get nothing.

Which shows the system's working.

But the good news is...

Is what? That you're still in?

..is that the BNP would get in if you went for a proportional

representational system.

Right. So, you're saying better to keep it as it is?

I'm just saying...

I'm just saying that the British public...

I'm putting on my Conservative Party voice, now.

The British public know what parties to

support that will be reasonable and moderate.

And that's all I want to say at this time.

The thing that amazes me about MPs is that they don't seem to

have any idea how embarrassing they are in public!

LAUGHTER

They have no idea!

APPLAUSE

Nigel Lawson spoke out against the EU this week,

saying it was...

That's Nigel Lawson, best before October 1989.

Meanwhile, a jubilant Nigel Farage

was still celebrating UKIP's success.

According to the Sunday Express, he spent the weekend...

Take that, EU fishing quota.

Er, Paul and John, take a look at this.

Yes, it's the Queen and Prince Philip having a little wave.

That's working out the scaffold, shouldn't be there for that.

That's Prince Charles dancing with somebody - a close admirer.

And he admires her. And there's Camilla...

yes, that would seem to be about the Queen and Prince Charles, basically.

She's not going to the Commonwealth something this year,

which is the first one she's missed in 40 years,

promoting thoughts that she might be cutting down

on longer air journeys now that she's 87.

That's basically it, scaling down her royal duties.

What did she do during the state opening of parliament,

in a sign that she may want to hand over some of her workload?

Abseiled down the front of Big Ben?

Screaming, "I've had enough! They're all bleeding bonkers in there."

Why is Charles particularly keen to attend

the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference?

Well, he's head of the Commonwealth, not just of Britain.

So he's got to - they've all got to vote to make him, um...

-Head of the Commonwealth.

-Yes, he doesn't have automatic right

to become Head of the Commonwealth after the Queen's death.

-They could give it to anyone.

-Exactly.

Christine Hamilton.

I like the idea of her meeting Mugabe.

"Oh, you're a mass murderer."

"And I'm Robert Mugabe."

Um...

There should be a whole series of jokes

that end up with the punch line, "And I'm Robert Mugabe."

Let's try and think of a few, as we go through.

I'll have a think when he starts talking again.

That'll give me a couple of minutes.

What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?

She was doing the Audience in the West End of London.

Reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,

-and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out.

-Mm.

And she come out and complained about it.

-She told 'em to

-BLEEP

-off.

-How do they know it wasn't the Queen?

-Precisely, yeah.

One bystander told the Times...

That's quite expensive, isn't it? £100.

How much are you, John?

How much to see you perform?

I've never paid...

LAUGHTER

-It's about, what - about a score.

-About a score.

-About a score.

-Yeah.

-And how many poems do you get?

About...19 yards of poetry.

They get.

And what speed are you doing over those 19 yards?

-Negotiable.

-Oh, right.

-No, I was a fan, a long time ago.

-Oh, thanks.

Still am, obviously.

Yeah, I was going to say, where did I blot me copybook?

Are you a fan?

Er - yes.

Can't even say "yes" with conviction!

Cos - cos I know you're going to say,

"Well, recite some of his poetry, then."

That's what I knew was coming.

- I'll be asking you questions later. - Exactly.

- I've written the wedding favourite, one called I Wanna Be Yours.

I'm not going to recite it, but it's compulsory on the GCSEs still,

as Michael Gove will be glad to hear.

It is to modern weddings what Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

by Eric Idle is to humanist funerals.

You won't know about that, I'm 64, I could go to seven a week.

If I really wanted to.

No man can live on vol-au-vents alone.

Anyway, listen, Andrew, Prince Andrew's had a bit of good luck

this week. Does anyone know what he's become?

Yeah, he's become a Fellow of the Royal Society of Science, I think.

That's right. And actually,

many senior members are royally pissed off about it.

Yes, they are.

Professor of Science James Wilsdon commented...

Adding, anyway, welcome, Your Highness.

Um...

Would you care for a vol-au-vent?

What was the complaint about the ballot paper?

That it was rigged.

According to the Times, actually...

So, unable to vote "no", the results were as follows...

And in a final bit of royal news, what has the Welsh Rugby Union

unveiled this week?

-Oh, a portrait of the Queen.

-It is indeed.

-Oh, yeah...

-It doesn't look anything like her.

It's a new portrait of the Queen painted by the Welsh-born

artist Dan Llewellyn Hall and commissioned by the

Welsh Rugby Union and, fittingly, makes her look like a scrum half.

It's a picture of David Walliams, isn't it?

The world of science was rocked this week by the decision to elect

Prince Andrew as a Fellow of the Royal Society.

According to the Times, one explanation for the "yes"

vote was that...

An absurd way to set out a ballot paper.

Although Alex Salmond has already put in an order for five million.

Meanwhile, Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week,

in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.

The organiser said...

What, a screaming queen on a gay parade?

That is a shock.

And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Here's the first one.

BUZZER

That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson,

English football's most successful manager, has just resigned.

He's retired after 26-odd years of being at the top.

So basically, yes, he's retiring, which is very unusual in football.

They usually get the sack before they get to retire.

-Absolutely.

-Are you a Man United fan?

-Of course.

-Are you?

-I'm such a United fan...

-Yeah.

-..I moved out of Manchester.

Why was his departure a shock?

Cos he denied it three days earlier.

That's right - he told fans that he was...

Though he is having a hip operation, so...

-But he's also had a pacemaker fitted.

-Yes.

As always, looking to gain some additional time.

-How long has he been manager for?

-27 years.

26 years and six months -

beating the second-longest serving manager by 26 years.

Ed Miliband tweeted...

At which point, someone had to tell him he hadn't died.

-So can we do a quick Fergie quiz?

-Yes please.

What did Gordon Brown give Sir Alex Ferguson

again and again and again?

Abusive notes in the post.

Gordon Brown sent him numerous CDs about the assassination of JFK.

Fergie said...

On every one, he's crossed out "Kennedy" and written "Blair".

And what does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?

His wife.

Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.

She has to stand here all night?

She's on the subs bench until she...

Calls her on.

LAUGHTER

No - he keeps by his bed JFK's autopsy report.

Now, can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?

I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't -

here he is, discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.

Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...

BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,

"because they could really do without him."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

IMITATES PIRATE: "When the tide is high,

"and the crow flies towards the horizon,

"there will be a change of management...argh!"

Fingers on buzzers, teams...

BUZZER

I don't know what that is - oh, yes I do.

It's Trafalgar Square and there's a big Christmas decoration on it.

-It's an onion.

-Why is it on top of Nelson's Column, then?

Well, it's to do with a soon-to-be-auctioned letter,

that has revealed that on the eve of his fatal victory at Trafalgar,

Nelson was preoccupied, trying to stop people using...

What emergency is served best by an onion?

-Well, it's not that much of an emergency, but scurvy.

-Oh, yes.

Obviously was treated by onions,

which are a good source of vitamin C,

and emergency onions became such a preoccupation for Nelson,

he only said "Kiss me, Hardy" to establish if he'd been eating them.

On the subject of famous people and food,

a New York artist has been photographing famous people's riders

-for an exhibition.

-Oh, right.

I'm going to give you the rider

and I want you to give me the famous person.

-OK.

-This is the first one -

a bottle of Absolute, Jack Daniel's, Chivas Regal, Courvoisier

and cough drops.

BUZZER

Ann Widdecombe.

-It's Frank Sinatra.

-Frank Sinatra.

OK, here's the next one -

fish and chips, McDonalds' cheeseburgers without the buns,

100 prunes and figs

and a framed photo of Princess Diana.

-Elton John.

-No.

Britney Spears.

It is Britney Spears - well done.

You're the man, Paul. You the man.

APPLAUSE

Ok, here we go - boiled eggs, turkey bacon and turkey sausage,

ready at any time throughout the day.

Bernard Matthews.

It's another slightly bonkers American - young woman singer.

How old's Avril Lavigne?

Is that a question for the police?

APPLAUSE

I'll tell you - it's Rihanna.

-I know these fad diets.

-You've never been on a diet.

The Donut Diet -

a third of it is not there.

IMITATES JOHN: A third of it is not there, it's all air.

There's a guy going into business.

OK, this is the memo about onions written by Lord Nelson

on the eve of Trafalgar.

The Navy bought its onions in bulk -

the onions were brought alongside the ships on long, low boats,

sort of "onion bhajis".

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

PAUL LAUGHS

-Is that a celeriac?

-Isn't that an artichoke?

Is it an artichoke?

AUDIENCE: Fennel!

Oh, it's fennel. No, it's fennel.

Welcome to another edition of "Is It Fennel Or Not?"

We judge fennel, they say no - if you think you've got it right,

phone now!

It's the news that plants can sort of...talk, communicate.

"Plants can sort of talk" - how scientific is this?

It's a paper by Prince Andrew.

APPLAUSE

Must be right, must be right.

Australian scientists have discovered

that plants are capable of basic communication.

Blimey, I didn't even know Australians were capable of that.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is the closing of the Spice Girls' musical, isn't it?

Viva Forever...or six months.

When it opened, the Sunday Times said it was...

And the Mirror said it was...

Apparently the show was so bad,

the desperate audience begged a gay parade to come a drum outside.

Meanwhile, what has been described as "the most sexist show ever"?

The most sexist show ever.

It's a show that's on in Denmark at the moment.

Ladies, You're Not Good.

Actually, yes, it's kind of...

It's not that far off -

it's a Danish show called "Blachman",

which sees naked women paraded in front of two men,

who appraise their bodies.

Let's show you a picture of that.

That would, of course, never be allowed on the BBC.

Although that was how they interviewed secretaries in the '70s.

LAUGHTER

Comments from Thomas Blachman include...

LAUGHTER

And...

I am popping over to audition for that.

-That'll

-BLEEP

-him up.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.

Your four are sausages in the Scottish Parliament,

Cherie Blair's eyes,

a house in Devon

and some double yellow lines in Swindon.

LAUGHTER

MICHAEL FABRICANT: I know about the house in Devon.

The owners repainted it and the local council said it is too pink.

So this is about something being repainted.

-Is there a portrait of Cherie where they repainted the eyes?

-Yes.

To make it look more like her?

Well, it is her eyes and they were the wrong colour. Yes.

Who is going to have a stab at the odd one out?

-The odd one out is the sausages.

-The sausages.

No.

-The lines.

-The lines are the odd one out.

They have all had their colour criticised apart from the

yellow lines which were the right colour but in the wrong place.

Here they are.

According to the Mail...

A sausage in the Scottish Parliament.

One diner complained about the sausage colour. Another said...

Though the most frequent complaint was,

"Found salad on my plate."

Cherie Blair's eyes in a recent portrait

by the artist Adam Birtwistle.

She pointed out her eyes were painted the wrong colour

and he had to repaint them before it went on display.

It is not a perfect likeness of Cherie.

She complained about the eyes?

LAUGHTER

The artist has really captured the way she lights up a room

if you look at that. See?

LAUGHTER

What else was described as being in the wrong colour this week?

Was it Robert Kilroy-Silk?

You are along the right lines.

It was the BNP's South Shields candidate

Lady Dorothy Macbeth Brookes.

Here she is. No, not that one.

-No, not that one. Not that one. There she is.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

Gosh.

Is she 50% teak?

Unfortunately for Dorothy Brookes, her fake tan didn't help her

performance at the polls and she only came sixth,

despite her campaign slogan, "The future's bright..."

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Missing Words round.

This week's guest publication is

the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.

And we start with...

MICHAEL FABRICANT: Parasolium Boris Johnsonismus.

Yeah, have you ever heard of a chlorophyllum olivieri?

-Yes.

-No, you haven't.

This is from, of course, the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.

According to one reporter...

Blimey. I had enough trouble when Marathon changed to Snickers.

LAUGHTER

I thought your pronunciation was brilliant.

Thank you very much. And I don't want to go out with you.

LAUGHTER

Next. Gordon Brown...

Not linked.

LAUGHTER

No, the answer is...

I don't believe it.

Gordon Brown will be appearing in a charity concert with Beyonce.

It'll be amazing appearing on stage with that famous arse

but Beyonce doesn't seem to mind.

Next...

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: To assist with the broadcast of fungal spores.

LAUGHTER

Absolutely. That's the best answer we have ever had on any question.

No, it's "Hitting a log with a hammer..."

-Wake up?

-Here's a tip.

If you find your husband walking off into the forest with a hammer,

saying, "I'm just going to wake up my mushrooms," I think

you should call the police.

Lastly...

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: Never having to say you're sorry.

LAUGHTER

Means that you will have a golden future laid out in front of you.

Your bare feet will glide across the carpet of good fortune

as the sunlight of happiness comes through the window of opportunity.

Yeah.

Eh, no.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That leads us to the final scores, which are...

Michael and Ian have three

but John and Paul are the winners with five

-APPLAUSE

-How did we manage that?

We did our best, didn't we?

But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: I told them. Bungee jumping at my age...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with the news that, in St Albans, UKIP

unveils its new diversity think tank tasked with reaching

out to the immigrant community.

LAUGHTER

In Hackney, a delighted traffic warden meets his annual quota

with one ticket.

LAUGHTER

And, after leaving this studio without embarrassing himself

too much, Michael Fabricant goes out and lets his hair down.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd