Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You,

I'm Frank Skinner.

In the news this week, BBC Breakfast presenters

discuss a busy morning interviewing Bernie Ecclestone and his wife.

LAUGHTER

At a hotel in Morecambe, with a party of Scots arriving,

staff quickly hide any material that may offend them.

LAUGHTER

And in Doncaster, Mrs Ivy Hinchcliffe

still hasn't come home from bingo.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Aww.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and former political advisor

for the Labour Party who does an impression of Tony Blair.

In fact he's so good, he managed to get his fee

for tonight's appearance up to half a million quid.

Please welcome Matt Forde.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian

who lists his hobbies as tea-tasting,

fly-fishing and cricket.

The last time he saw his doctor he tested negative for adrenaline.

Please welcome Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Matt, take a look at this.

It's the, er, bell end.

That's the Chancellor going underground.

This is the spending review.

It's a triumph for the Chancellor.

He's announced that he's got a fifth of the spending already sorted out.

Which is brilliant, so only 80% of it yet to do.

So far, the deficit this year is right down to 120 billion.

That's £120 billion we've borrowed more than we've earned.

So you can see we're really getting to grips with the debt,

and we're not at all bankrupt, except a lot.

So health spending will be unaffected by budget cuts.

Why is that particularly welcome this week?

So that A&Es aren't even more stressed?

-Mm.

-Even fuller?

-Yes, the research into operation timings suggests...

-Oh yes!

..you are more at risk of dying in hospital on a Friday.

So if you're watching this on repeat, well done.

Yeah, you've got to go in on a Monday.

And then the probability goes down.

Until the weekend, when everyone's off.

It's terrifying.

It's DIY, Saturday.

They literally give you the tools.

What's the latest thing to make people feel poorly?

This is back into the financial area of things.

It's money.

If you eat coins, do you throw up?

If you eat coins, do you throw up? Let's find out.

Nickel allergies are on the increase,

and 5p and 10p coins now have four times more nickel in them

than a year ago.

So according to research...

The problem's particularly bad in Yorkshire.

And what's David Cameron been up to while all this has been going on?

-He... He went to Ibiza.

-Yes!

How's he going to blag having gone to,

like, one of the world's most notorious clubbing hot spots

at a time of national crisis?

Are there a lot of seals there?

Don't you think it's a bit unfair?

-What, on him?

-Yeah.

I mean, the Prime Minister's got to have a holiday.

It's not as though he'd do anything if he was here.

I mean, do you feel safer with him in Ibiza or here?

I'm not too bothered, really.

I mean, it is unfair.

Everyone said Churchill used to go on holiday,

in the middle of the Second World War he went off to Marrakech.

Took swimming holidays.

And no-one said, "Churchill, what a bastard."

Hitler wasn't too complimentary, but generally speaking.

Got a picture of the Camerons on holiday.

-Oh, that's charming.

-That's lovely.

They're not really holiday... It's not holiday garb, is it?

Are they goths, the Camerons?

Surely you could've worn a Hawaiian shirt or something of that nature.

Oh, can you imagine the tabloids if he'd worn a Hawaiian shirt?

-"How sickening!"

-Yeah, you're quite right.

"Terror stalks the land and Cameron wears an amusing shirt."

"What a bastard."

So, while things were stirring up in Southeast London with EDL marches

following the terror attack, what did some people on Twitter do?

This is the trouble with Twitter.

People get very excited very quickly, don't they?

-And they decided to protest against EDF.

-Yes.

I thought the brilliant EDL story

was not the one in London but the one in York,

where the EDL, they marched on this mosque in York, furious men outside.

They got to the mosque,

and the people in the mosque invited them in for tea.

And they had tea and biscuits and an impromptu game of football.

-Yeah, that was...

-And they mutually agreed that perhaps, you know,

understanding was the way forward, and they went off.

Yeah. The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu said...

On the subject of political ambition,

who did David Cameron's old spin doctor Andy Coulson

warn him to beware of?

-Old Boris Johnson.

-Yes.

It was an odd phrase, wasn't it?

It was about - Boris won't intervene before the election,

but he's happy for him to lose it.

Words to that effect.

Yes, this was... I mean, Andy Coulson,

-who has been charged with various offences...

-Mm.

..but he's still allowed to give interviews in GQ.

I mean, we're not allowed to say anything about him,

under the laws of contempt, obviously.

And I wouldn't want to.

LAUGHTER

Is there...?

If we are so wary of words, is there any way you could express

an opinion through contemporary dance?

You'll get sued, you'll get sued.

APPLAUSE

At last, someone can go to prison for mime.

Yes, that's it.

With the economy going down the pan faster than a Chinese baby,

-George Osborne...

-AUDIENCE GROANS

It's a happy ending.

George Osborne is calling for further cuts.

One minister refusing to agree to any cuts at all

is Environment Secretary Owen Patterson.

According to one colleague...

Don't worry, Owen. You won't go down in history.

Boris Johnson was recently described by his former boss

Conrad Black as...

Yes, he's both cunning

and found propped up on the pillow in many a woman's bedroom.

Paul and Miles, take a look at this.

Ah, this is Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall,

navigating her way around the train.

These are these bastards who come and sit with you

even though there's loads of empty seats.

She went to France this week, she was in Paris,

and she made her first speech in French,

and she was a bit nervous about it but it went very well.

Everybody was very happy,

they said, "Oh, nobody's ever spoken French like this before,"

it's wonderful, she's a golden creature that seems to

bathe in heavenly light wherever she goes.

She smokes fags as well.

-That's correct.

-It is correct.

And before she set off she had a word with the press and sounded

extremely confident about how well her first solo trip would go.

-My first solo.

-Brilliant.

-My first solo. Probably my last.

-No, no, no.

Yeah, and it would've been had the Duke of Edinburgh's men not

been waiting in the wrong tunnel.

LAUGHTER

I just, sorry, I just couldn't think of a mime for it.

LAUGHTER

Did you spot which form of transport she used to get to Paris?

She was on a train, so unless that was wildly misleading,

I'd say that's how she got there.

-Any particular train?

-The Eurostar.

-The one that goes to Paris.

-That's the one.

Here she is setting off, all looking very happy.

And if you're wondering who's in charge of her luggage

it's this person.

LAUGHTER

-Why was she going to Paris exactly?

-I don't know.

It didn't really grab me at the time and my ability

to manufacture interest in this story is woefully inadequate.

LAUGHTER

She was there to see the work of charity Emmaus,

-of which she is the patron.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes.

-Homeless people, isn't it?

Yeah, well, according to the Daily Mail it helps people by...

So they phoned her.

What did Camilla unexpectedly get from Sir Peter Ricketts?

Rickets.

He bought her a fake Cartier watch she'd been admiring

in the charity's second-hand shop. Here they are together.

He looks very dodgy, doesn't he?

LAUGHTER

And she looks like, "Can you get me away from this person?"

He looks like he comes with the watch.

Meanwhile, what were two men in the French city of Montpelier

the first to do?

Ah, two gay guys in France would be the first gay couple

to get married. Vincent and Bruno. I was staggered.

I had no idea Bruno was seeing other people. I mean, it's terrible.

Who pays for the ceremony in a gay wedding?

You know traditionally it's the woman's dad?

-Yeah, not for a while, though.

-Is that gone?

Well...unless I was particularly unlucky.

In other royal news, how did the Queen pose for a photograph

showing that she belonged to the Ancient Order of the Thistle?

Oh, it's a striking dramatic photograph on a Scottish moor,

isn't it? It looks like something you should see on a tea towel.

I will do one day.

Yes, this is the Queen in a Scottish glen.

There we are, look at that.

-MATT: Looking delighted.

-Yeah.

MILES: She does not know much about hill-walking, does she?

When I said, "Take the train to Scotland," that's not what I meant.

It was for a book called Keepers Of The Kingdom.

What did the book's author Alastair Bruce fear would

-happen during the Queen's photoshoot at Balmoral?

-Midges.

-Yes.

He thought the Queen would be put off by midges,

and he explained there are two stages of a midge attack.

Which is also the Queen's experience during the two halves

of the Royal Variety Show.

Meanwhile, what is happening to Prince Harry?

-He's worried that he's going to go bald.

-Yes.

-That looks like a fine head of hair to me.

-Yeah.

Finally to Prince Philip, he never lets us down.

So what's his latest gaff?

It's a small council flat in Newport.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

During a visit to a medical research laboratory in Cambridge

he asked a Polish scientist...

He's mellowed, hasn't he?

Oh, dear. You'll miss him when he's not there.

Well, I feel UKIP have filled that gap.

So yes, this is Camilla's first solo engagement abroad.

Camilla's trip to Paris was very successful,

the only downside being that when she got home

she found the floor covered in takeaway cartons and beer cans.

Don't you hate that, girls,

when your bloke's just too lazy to ring for a footman?

France has had its first gay marriage, which has sparked

a heated national debate, and according to the Guardian...

Including a tour by Jim Davidson.

The next round is the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, team, here's the first one.

We saw this picture last week, or something similar to it,

-but now we seem to have an owl, is it? Getting married to a mop.

-Yes.

This is Lightning the owl who's in love with a mop.

It's said the mop has really turned the owl's head.

Can you imagine how this love affair blossomed?

It was either behind the scenes at Owl World, or...

-Or Mopland.

-Yeah.

Which is the biggest attraction of the Huddersfield area?

Well, the owl is being hand-reared in Newquay at...

And what's brilliant about that is that you'd assume it was

a sanctuary for screech owls, but you would be wrong.

It is in fact an owl sanctuary run by...

Similar confusion when Lord Dangerous

brought in the Dangerous Dogs Act.

Here is Lightning the owl with his new best friend.

That looks like quite an abusive relationship.

-He's biting her!

-No, that's grooming, clearly.

Well, he's a paedophile then.

Matt, you once dressed as a chicken, didn't you, for various reasons.

I was working for the Labour Party at the time.

Is that compulsory?

It was on a by-election campaign in 2004, and I would just walk around

behind Charles Kennedy dressed as a chicken

whilst a woman on a megaphone would go,

"Lib Dems soft of crime! Soft on thugs!

"Soft on drugs!" And I would sort of dance like a chicken would...

-Mmm

-..to music like that.

-What happened in the by-election?

-We lost the by-election.

I suspect Charles Kennedy is watching this thinking,

"Oh, it was real, that giant chicken!"

"I thought it was..."

-He probably thought I was the Famous Grouse!

-Exactly.

Does everyone have to do this when you start working...?

I mean, is it a sort of initiation thing?

All the people at the top now, did they have a time

when they had to dress as poultry around the East Midlands?

Gordon Brown walked around as a pigeon for three years.

Nothing to do with politics, it's one of his hobbies.

Fingers on buzzers.

BUZZER

Oh, yes, this is your mock-up...

It's Simon Cowell and Bruce Forsyth. Bruce has made a comment

about the young children that appear on...

Is it Britain's Got Talent?

Is that the latest version that's going at the moment?

So yes, it seems to be like, it's quite a hard thing

to ask these young kids to go out there and sing live

nd all that sort of thing. It's a bit of pressure.

And I think he's complained about that and Simon Cowell says,

-"It makes me a load of money, I don't care."

-Yes.

-It's the clash of the Saturday night titans.

-Yes.

Big Brucie versus...Super Simon.

-You don't really do tabloid, do you?

-No.

-Sorry, I'll give up now.

-What's it in Latin?

Er...

Ad nauseam.

Yes, Bruce said...

Although it's also wrong to put adults through an ordeal

like his Strictly opening monologue.

That's not true, Bruce. I love...

I think Strictly without Bruce

would be like Formula 1 without the crashes.

I've not heard about this story before,

but I imagine there's probably arguments for and against.

How did Simon respond to Bruce's comments?

"I'm not gay."

Is everyone giving up mime?

I can't do that one on my own!

OK, moving from ham to beef,

what excuse did a man from Sunderland

use in front of a courtroom this week

when charged with stealing a joint of beef?

He had trouble using the self-scanning system.

-"Oh, for goodness sake! You don't have to be 18 to buy...

-BLEEP

-this."

Defendant John Casey claimed that he stole the joint of beef because...

She, of course, is no longer topside.

Finally in our Not-As-Dead- As-You-Might-Expect-Them-To-Be news,

what happened to a lady in Cornwall

when she tried to organise a reunion?

Did she discover she was the only person

of whatever group it was that she was trying to reunite

-that was still alive?

-Suicide Club of 1936.

"Haven't had a Christmas card from them since the War."

In fact, she was the only person who was dead.

Or so they thought.

The local paper had mistakenly printed her name

in an obituary for her mother 30 years ago.

What a terrible shock for that poor lady.

And for them, when she turned up suddenly.

For 30 years they'd been having reunions going,

"I tell you who'd have loved this - Gladys." "Jesus Christ!"

Ah, yes. This is the spat between Bruce Forsyth

and Simon Cowell over children appearing on Britain's Got Talent.

According to the Sun, Brucie said...

Adding, "One of them was only 73!"

Brucie has also threatened that he might present a brand-new show.

He told an audience at a solo performance...

What, as well as the adrenaline drip?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL

MATT: Six...men, I imagine, listening very intently to

-the greatest prime minister Britain's ever had.

-Where?

MILES: Is Tony Blair considered

something of a giant in the Middle East?

OK, where's the story?

-Well, he's the Middle East envoy, isn't he?

-Yes.

So I imagine he's been out there spreading peace

and people are going to be cynical about that.

Yes, they are quite cynical about it.

His role in the Middle East has been branded "a huge joke".

-By who?!

-People like you, Ian.

Er...yes.

Not the Chilcot Inquiry,

which still hasn't reported four years later!

We had an inquiry into the supposed doings of Blair, and where is it?

-Who did we get this information from?

-John McCarthy.

-John McCarthy!

The Telegraph said that he told a festival last week

that Mr Blair's role in...

So Matt, I think we've established you're a massive fan of Tony Blair.

Is this for comic effect, or is it real?

I mean, I don't... Well...

It's real.

OK, that's fine, I just wanted to know

whether amusement or pity was the correct response.

Oh, we can do both.

So, who's doing better than Tony Blair

at delivering peace to the Middle East?

Dappy from N-Dubz.

I'm going to tell you.

Tulisa from...whatever she's from.

N-Dubz! It's N-Dubz! MILES: Yeah. That crowd.

Is everyone from N-Dubz?

Bouncer, who was...? Oh, Neighbours.

Well, the Middle East, specifically Iran and Iraq, are,

according to the Independent...

"Hello, is it WMD you're looking for?"

This is the news that Palestinians have been critical

of Tony Blair's work bringing peace to the Middle East.

According to the Independent...

Must be someone's job to sort that out!

This week, it was revealed that Lionel Richie is extremely popular

throughout the Middle East.

According to the Independent, when the US invaded Baghdad in 2003...

After which survivors waiting to be dug out of the rubble

kept up a constant refrain

of "Hello, is it me you're looking for?"

OK. It's now time for the Odd One Out round.

Adolf Hitler, Robert Mugabe,

beards, and Yoda.

The only thing that I've seen about Hitler in recent days

is there's a teapot, or kettle, rather, that's come out,

that sort of closely resembles Adolf Hitler.

Is the Hitler kettle...?

It includes the Hitler kettle.

I think a good starting place for this is Yoda.

Not Yoda in his sort of day job

but in a sort of recent sideline he's developed.

ALL: Vodafone.

Yes. Stick with advertisers.

Robert Mugabe sponsors... Rice Krispies. I don't know.

What...?

Poor old Rice Krispies!

Snap, Crackle, Dead.

They're all officially advertising a product apart from Adolf Hitler,

who is unwittingly advertising a kettle

because a billboard photo of the kettle looks like him.

It does look like Hitler.

That big empty space in the middle

where he's shot his face off, as well.

Have you got the hot water bottle that looks like Mussolini?

That's amazing.

It must be deliberate, it's got to be deliberate.

Once you see it, you can't see the kettle any more.

The kettle's gone.

I mean, it's even got the salute on the spout, hasn't it?

If you want to accessorise,

this would go well with an Eva Braun sandwich maker.

Robert Mugabe -

the Zimbabwean dictator, for those of you who don't know who he is -

has been helping to advertise a range of clothing

in his home country.

-Oh, yes.

-According to a rather misleading item in the Scotsman...

I think he favours just the dark glasses...

So beards are the new thing in advertising,

according to a Kentucky-based company

who have introduced "beardvertising".

Oh, yes. People have adverts put onto their beards, clipped on.

And I must say, it looks fabulously impressive.

It's his face that sell it, isn't it?

What other beards have been in the news recently?

This is cats - people pose with cats,

they hold their cat in a certain way

so it makes it look like the cat is part of a beard.

Yeah. It's called "catbearding".

Here's a catbeard.

Oh!

And here's another.

LAUGHTER

And, um...here's a dogbeard.

LAUGHTER

Yes - the answer is they're all officially advertising a product,

apart from Adolf Hitler, who is unwittingly advertising a kettle.

Obviously, it's only got one boil.

It's not so much the kettle that looks like Hitler I object to,

it's their marketing slogan -

"ein Volk, ein Reich, ein sugar."

The Mugabe fashion line is the latest

in what commentators are calling...

It's not just in Zimbabwe - trendsetters in Tehran

are regularly seen out wearing their President Ahma-dinner jackets.

Now it's time for the Missing Words round.

This week's guest publication is Hot Dip Galvanizing.

It used to be called Dip Galvanizing,

until it was bought by Richard Desmond.

And we start with...

Plastic surgery to look like David Dimbleby.

MILES: A number of completely unrelated items.

Well, she think she's seen them 140 times -

she might just have seen one of them 280 times.

Next...

MILES: Duets.

The answer is "slept".

AUDIENCE MEMBER GASPS

Yes, you're right to gasp.

This is the Australian fisherman

who thought he'd caught a barramundi fish

and found it was a six-foot saltwater crocodile.

I recently went fishing in the canal and I caught a barramundi.

Then I caught an old boot Tuesdi and a shopping trolley Wednesdi.

Next...

"Can't I be called Mr Chubby Chops instead?"

Director of Fat says, "Put it over there with the rest of the fat."

"Stop asking me, it's obvious - the fat pile's there."

This is an article about the new BBC studios

which appeared in Hot Dip Galvanizing.

FAT is an organisation, uh....

Yeah.

And finally...

MILES: Limbs...in a bath of acid,

is referred to as "a little suspicious".

Steel in a bath of zinc is referred to as galvanizing.

-Steel is right, for the first one.

-Galvanizing?

-It's "steel in a bath of molten zinc..."

-Zinc - I said zinc!

-"..is referred to as hot dip galvanizing."

-I said galvanizing,

but I don't expect any points on this show.

Well, you should have gone on the Zinc Galvanizing Show, then.

This is from Hot Dip Galvanizing, which features an article

about a new sports complex in Ostfildern in Germany which has...

Or, as we call it, a door.

So the final scores are Ian's team has five points,

but Paul's team has seven points.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Matt have this...

"What's that, Skippy?

"The guy fell down the stairs and none of us touched him?"

LAUGHTER

Paul and Miles get that...

Bastard wears hat.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that it's a job well done for one young man

as he successfully ties his own shoelaces.

Facing a hefty libel payout,

Sally and John Bercow attempt to raise some extra cash

by posing for a naked photo shoot.

And even at the age of 127,

Japan's oldest man can still manage to visit the tanning salon.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd