Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm David Mitchell. In

the news this week: while Miley Cyrus is out at the VMA Awards, her

dog is back at home watching her performance on TV.

In Farnborough, the MoD proudly unveils a £60 billion replacement

for the Harrier Jump Jet. And as officers from Operation

Yewtree move in to arrest one of the stars of Playschool, he makes a

desperate last-minute bid for freedom.

On Ian's team tonight is the presenter on Channel 4 News who

claims that she reads every national newspaper every day. As does Ian, so

you can see how useful that is for this show. Please welcome Cathy

Newman. And with Paul tonight is a writer

and presenter who is currently hosting a show on BT Sport. Although

we only have his word for that. Please welcome Danny Baker. Thank

you. And we start with the biggest

stories of the week. Paul and Danny, have a look at this. The

Conservative Party Conference, there is the Prime Minister and his lovely

wife. Osborne trying to get blood from a stone. What is his face

doing? I don't know, it is very odd. "Look, Mia Farrow says it's your

son." The Conservatives have been having their conference, Boris has

been speaking. Yes, and Osborne made a major announcement at the Tory

Party Conference. About his haircut. He did a comb over. He's ending the

recession, isn't he? Do you remember? He's literally combing

over the recession. That's it, hiding the recession. It's still

there but he's hiding it. No, that's not the announcement I meant. Is

this the return of the workhouse? That's the annoucement I meant! It's

part of the "buy your house" - except you don't know it's going to

be a big one where you make rope. People have to go to the job centre

every day to register the fact that they're still unemployed. Yes,

precisely. He said the jobless are to be required to work for their

benefits by, for example, picking up litter. Here is how it went down in

the hall. It did used to be a lot more entertaining and I am not

suggesting they should do Strictly Tory Party Conference. They used to

tell jokes and sing songs. People who could tell jokes would tell

jokes, it would be extraordinary. My dad used to say it was always a lot

of fun. The best acts have been stolen. Ann Widdecombe went to

Strictly. Got poached. The idea of Ann Widdecombe being poached is one

I can't quite get out of my head. Think of the size of the pan you'd

need. Do you think Boris Johnson really was loyal? Yeah, he just did

one joke about whether it is possible to be Mayor and Prime

Minister at the same time and got a big laugh and said, "Joke, joke,"

which is what people always say when they mean it. Do you know what he

said about UKIP? He said you kip... If you want to. Yeah, that was the

joke, wasn't it? I'm not for kipping. He said:

but that wasn't kipping, that was chillaxing, and there is a

difference. Apparently. Unfortunately the party is not

called U-chillax. The conference then degenerated into "can you

answer questions about grocery." Boris got the milk question and

Cameron was asked how much a loaf was. Four guineas. He said, "I have

a bread-maker." As we all do, it's Albert's in the village. How much is

a bottle of milk? "Well, I have a cow." "I have a cow and she goes to

the village and buys the milk." But how much is a loaf of bread, Paul?

65p, everything is 65p. Always has been and always will be. Bread,

houses, Shropshire, it's all 65p. Boris didn't know the answer to

anything, he said, "I know how much a bottle of champagne is." I'd

rather that than some weaselly little journalist saying, "He

doesn't know how much bread is." "How much is it, mate? How much do

you put it down for on your expenses?" Boris did that. He asked

Jeremy Paxman how much a loaf was and Paxman said, "I can't possibly

answer that." Panic, panic! Boris had a bit of a Newsnight knock-about

with Paxman. They were discussing Boris's rumoured return to the

Commons, initially. I think this is a now super-masticated subject.

Well, masticate a little more. Spit it out.

That's public school, isn't it? One person masticates and the other

person spits it out. Oh! I thought he missed the killer question for

Paxman, "How much does a razor cost?" You had a beard for a bit. I

remember meeting you, you said, "Do I look like a submarine captain?"

What made you shave it off? Blackmail. It's an intriguing

answer, isn't it? Back to Osborne. He made his announcement that you

weren't going to get benefits without doing work but he also said,

"If they are not doing community service, jobless people will have to

turn up at job centres." Do you know how long for? All-day, nine to five.

Yes, for 35 hours a week. That's ten minute a day to check the vacancies

and 34 hours ten minutes of Angry Birds. Also, there is a slight...

And I am not taking sides here but I come from a culture that is quite

resilient when it comes to signing on. I did it myself for two years.

You used to be able to go to - as they called it - the labour

exchange. I know culture has changed. But there were window

cleaning vans outside and minicabs and people going, "Hurry up, love,

I've got a fare at 8:30." Now it has all been stigmatised, "Everyone is

spongers" and all of this. Never mind over in the city, but people

earning a few quid the other way, these days they want to make out it

is the worst possible sin of all. I say good luck to anyone if they run

their cab down, sign on, get a few more quid and go home again. Because

making them sit there from nine to five, that is pushing them around.

That was a party political broadcast... On behalf of the

Slightly Dodgy But Quite Nice Party. A bit of embezzlement just shows

gumption. Embezzlement! When I used to work at Tooting employment

office, some people didn't really think it through. You would get

painters and decorators coming in in their overalls, covered in wet

paint. "I've not had a job for six weeks." You kind of thought the

Tories were trying to out-Thatcher Thatcher, but then David Cameron

obviously thought, "we're going to be called the nasty party again" so

he slipped in this thing about social workers and how great social

workers were. He got the whole Tory Conference applauding. He said, "Can

we have a round of applause for those hard-working people, the

social workers." A lot of people going, "Who are they?" "Those are

those wonderful people who organise parties?"

Karen Brady, her off of The Apprentice, was at the Tory Party

Conference. What was she wearing... I mean, what was she there for? I

can tell you what she was wearing, it was one of those body whatsit

illusion dresses that makes you look half the size you are. Yes, a

bodycon dress. Not heard of that, sounds good. Really good, try one

next time. I will. Not that I'm saying you need to. Not that I'm

saying I want to. But I will. We can have a look at Karen Brady's bodycon

dress. If you believe the bodycon there, you'd just call an ambulance,

wouldn't you? Brady was there to introduce George Osborne, do you

know how she did that? George Osborne... Bill Clinton did Tony

Blair once. I mean... Introduced him. You get your wife to do it now,

that's the other thing at the conference. I think after Justine's

performance in the Ed Miliband, no wife is going to do it again, are

they? Did anyone see that? She was told to kiss him. And she has to do

it? Not even prostitutes have to kiss.

There was also a spectre at the feast at the Tory conference, do you

know who that was? Ah, Nigel Farage. Yes, and I suppose the ghost of

Margaret Thatcher was probably there. She was invoked, wasn't she?

Was she? They did a seance? Anyway, he turned up, didn't he? Yes, he

turned up in Manchester to address a lunatic fringe... Sorry, Freudian

slip, a fringe meeting. Here he is arriving. Do you expect a warm

welcome at the Tory Conference? No. Shall we have a look at a picture of

Farage on the front page of The Times this week. It is Hitler

combined with a sort of one-sided Fu Manchu. It shows he's multicultural.

Meanwhile, David Cameron gave an interview to The Sun on Monday this

week. He said that he can do the dance to Gangnam Style. Oh... A

surprising number of people can do that, can't they, Cathy? Oh, God! #

Oppan C4 style. # C4 style.

# Whoop, whoop, whoop. # C4 style.

# Hey, sexy newsroom! APPLAUSE.

Oh, God. Did we ask the question, why? It was

showing that a woman can dance in high heels and not be inhibited. And

I showed that. And that was news? At least I wasn't twerking. No, you

were not twerking. It could have been much worse.

That is your editor on the phone... This is the Tory Party Conference

held in Manchester. An eye-catching policy announced this week is that

people claiming unemployment benefit will be made to pick up litter. This

could put the people who are currently paid to pick up litter out

of a job. But the good news is that they will then be forced to do it

for free. George Osborne revealed during the conference:

God, even they hate him! Ian and Cathy, take a look at this. It is Ed

Miliband trying not to listen to an Ed Balls speech. Oh, look, there's

someone spying on him from The Mail. And that's Karl Marx's grave. This

is the Labour conference, which was equally thrilling. It stirred the

Tories up. It did. They got very worried about it. And they had

Damian McBride's book. It was very entertaining - I'm sure you all read

it! Apparently, Blair and Brown hated each other! Really? It was one

of those shock, horror books that we all got very overexcited about.

Unfortunately for Miliband, he was one of the gang. It was him and

Balls and McBride who were all working for Gordon Brown, who

doesn't come out well. Yes, this was Damian McBride, who was hoping to

upstage the conference. Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight?

Damian McBride. McPoisonous, as he is known to many of his enemies, or

McPrickface, as he was referred to in a recent cache of Downing Street

e-mails. He's so used to being called

McPrickface! He also caused a fight, didn't he, because he was doing an

interview, wasn't he? During the Labour conference in Brighton, an

interview with Damian McBride didn't go entirely to plan.

That's Ian Dale. Who is the publisher of the book. What he

was...? That man is a long-term protester who likes to get himself

into news stories. The publisher of this book, who hadn't been invited

to conference, was trying to get his book into a news story. Started

pushing the other man out. They were both shamelessly trying to hijack

the conference, so they ended up beating each other up. The dog seems

to be biting the cars of its owner though. Dogs are extremely fickle.

You could see where the power shift was going. What's been the other big

story about Miliband this week? This upstaged the Tory conference. The

Daily Mail managed to not merely shoot its own foot but to blow it

off with a mortar. They had a go at Miliband's father. They ran a piece

saying, this is the man who hated Britain, on the evidence of one

entry in the diary when he was 16, when he just arrived as a refugee in

this country. He fought for the country in the Second World War. So,

it was the most sort of pathetic piece. The Daily Mail accuse the

father of being a committed Marxist. What's the point of an uncommitted

Marxist! Even if we suppose you make the leap of faith that his old man

did hate Britain, my dad hated David Bowie. I think Hunky Dory is a

masterpiece. It doesn't work like that. Apparently they've played the

national anthem outside the grave and the corpse hasn't stood up and

saluted, so therefore, that is all the proof they need. What I think

would be embarrassing for the editor of the Mail. The Mail is owned by

the Rothermere family. He then passed on that non-dom status to his

son, who doesn't actually pay the normal amount of tax, despite owning

a newspaper that is owned through various companies in Bermuda. So

once you start doing "I'm looking at your family", it gets embarrassing,

and I think the Rothermere family? If you want to go further back, you

get to the great-great-grandfather, who, let's join in together around

the headline Hurrah For The Blackshirts! But the Daily Mail went

on to publish a full-page apology for that, didn't they? What, for the

Blackshirts? Yes. Yep. No, they didn't. Once you start throwing this

stuff around, it gets embarrassing, and I think they will find their

editor is now a major embarrassment. Yeah, gone toxic. The figures they

kept saying when he was on Newsnight, the fellow they archly

did put on Newsnight, he said, if you are going to go back 80 years?

As opposed to the 75 years! You are going back for Ed Miliband's dad.

There is a 75 year cut-off point. That is how journalism works. I

thought it was quite funny. Paul Dacre's nickname at the Mail is

Mugabe. He is very old, he won't retire, and he hates the

opposition! The ancestor, the first Viscount Rothermere, of the current

owner of the Daily Mail - do you know what he had to say about

Britain's enemies, the Nazis, in 1933? Open the borders! He said:

What was the subsequent development in this story? They sent a

journalist, two journalist along to Miliband's uncle's memorial service,

to get quotes off people while they were? Guys Hospital. Guys Hospital.

Did you know the deceased? What did you think about Ed Miliband's dad?!

Two rogue journalists, working on their own initiative, a couple of

bad apples making the whole paper look bad - not like the one who put

up a photograph of his father's gravestone, which was an error of

judgement! Did you see how the Daily Marley... The Daily Marley?! It's

all about everything to do with Marley, apparently. They tweeted

that they wanted to make it clear that they had absolutely whatsoever

nothing to do with it! Yes, the editor of the Mail on Sunday has

apologised unreservedly, describing what they did as "wrong" and "a

terrible lapse of judgement". It is important to note that he

apologised on behalf of the Mail on Sunday. The editor of the Mail on

Sunday is a man called Geordie Greig, who is quite keen to get Paul

Dacre's job, and has somewhat increased his chances this week! Ed

Miliband, of course, used his conference speech to position

himself further to the left of politics, people say. But do you see

how he appears to be growing his own Michael Goves? You can see... It's

like a Gove Farm. And on the right, that is a sort of young beginner

Gove, and then slightly more mature further to the left. And the one to

the right of the picture - that's nearly finished! It actually looks

like the world's dullest boy band. No Direction!

And finally, would anyone like to see the chat up technique of Danny

"fancy a brandy" Alexander? Oh, yeah! This conference has been so

busy. So many things to do. So I haven't been up late, um, relaxing

in the bar. That will come on Wednesday, maybe? Maybe tonight. How

about you? Um... Yes, this is the Labour Party

conference, and the Daily Mail's character assassination of Marxist

historian Ralph Miliband, who they described as: For legal reasons, we

cannot make any derogatory comments about Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre,

but apparently, his dad's an cars hole. Sorry, was an cars hole.

Education Secretary Michael Gove is one of the few people to defend the

Daily Mail, saying that political commentators should always have a

right to offend. I couldn't agree more, you four-eyed reptilian

hotspot. And now it's time to play the Wheel of News or Not News. I

will spin the wheel, and you have to identify the story, and tell me if

it's news or not news. Cathy, all you have to think is - would we do

this on Channel 4 News. And if the answer is yes, you'll know it could

be either. So, let's spin the wheel. BUZZER.

Not news! What's the story? There isn't a story. It's not news. It's a

policeman giving Iain Duncan Smith a head massage. Clairvoyant police? It

is clairvoyant police. AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.

They will be like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, only taller. And,

do you have any idea how they're going to do this? No. You think I'm

making this up. I don't think you're making it up. I think you've

re-announced something that someone else has made up. Well, according to

Pre-crime Commander Simon Letchford... Pre-crime! Pre-crime.

Which has already identified the County of Midsummer. Sounds

absolutely ridiculous. Someone has just... They've put on the map where

someone has just stolen something. By definition there is now less to

steal there. The chances of a burglary there must be reduced. It's

all gone. OK. That makes some sense. Yes, it does. No, it doesn't. It's

nonsense. This is the news of police plans to predict crimes before they

happen. Will it work? It already has, in two years' time. Enjoy that

one on Dave, during the riots. The technique of identifying and

arresting potential criminals before they commit a crime is based on a

method developed by the Metropolitan Police, known as institutional

racism. APPLAUSE. Give it another spin.

Yes, Bridget Jones's diary is coming out. Is this news or not not news?

The hero of previous books is no longer with us. It started off in a

Sunday newspaper, who - not coincidentally - had paid for the

serialisation of the book. The fact they thought it was news may be due

to the fact they paid a very great deal of money for it. Then it

appears on this programme, along with a stupid pre-crime report. Who

killed Mark Darcy? I expect you already know. I've got an idea. If

we got ourselves a gallon of petrol, we could set fire to the Wheel of

News. You're right. This is not news. This is the not news that an

author has got a book out. That didn't stop it being a story on the

BBC ten O'clock News. On Channel 4 News, you stuck to the big news like

this. I saw a man with a fan in the basket of his bicycle in Westminster

today. That's a sign of the Times. That's Channel 4 News. And the last

spin... BUZZER.

Fictional characters. No, no, no. America's gone bankrupt because a

fictional character's been killed off. And it's all closed.

Republicans and Democrats can't agree on the budget. And, is that

news or not news? Oh, it's news. Republicans can't agree the fact

that they lost. They lost the election and they lost this vote

repeatedly. But the TEA Party, which is a sort of UKIP with guns... Have

decided that basically they don't care. America, home of democracy,

vote goes the wrong way, you refuse to accept it. So, they basically

said, "No, we're not going to agree." They would literally rather

America close down than a very, very minor - and not very radical change

- is made to public health care. There are 800,000 federal workers,

who have been forced to take unpaid leave. According to the Guardian...

An idea they got from BT. This is the news that America has closed

until further notice. If your enquiry is urgent, please contact

Canada. Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week,

you're four are... Sponge Bob Square Pants. Sally Bercow. Walter Tell.

And Carmen Miranda. Fruit. Sally Bercow, fruitcake. No. She was

caught. I'm sure I saw this on Channel 4 News. She was... At one of

the conferences, balancing some item of fruit on her head in a bar. Yes,

that's correct. Walter tell, son of William, balanced an apple on his

head and had it shot off by his father. Carmen Miranda had a whole

bowl of fruit on her head. Fantastic. And sang, Yes, We Have No

Bananas. Sponge Bob Square Pants, he's quite a guy. Bob is the Odd One

Out. He's got a friend called Patrick. But he's the Odd One Out

because nobody else knows anybody called Patrick. Where does Sponge

Bob live? Under the sea. But also under... A pineapple. Yes! How would

you describe his voice? Er, rough. Manly. Touch of Lord Hailsham. Well,

Tom Kenny, the man behind the distinctive voice described it as...

Which is also a starter at Heston Blumenthal's. And, um, can you name

any of Carmen Miranda's hits? I, I, I, I, like you very much. We down

among Brazilians, coffee beans grow by the millions. And they've got a

lot of coffee there to sell. There's an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. At

last, the show is coming to life. Carmen Miranda cracked America but

her English wasn't great. She told one magazine... She went on to teach

Nancy Dallaglio how to speak English. Yes, they've all had fruit

on their heads, apart from Sponge Bob Square Pants, who lives under a

pineapple in a fun town under the sea. Sort of like Blackpool will be

once the fracking starts. According to the Daily Mail, late one night at

the Labour Party conference, Sally Bercow, fuelled by champagne, tried

to balance a pineapple on her head. "I really regret this embarrassing

incident and I'm just grateful I wasn't caught on camera looking so

stupid." Said the pineapple. Time now for the Missing Words round. And

we start with... One of the rounds on Bake Off. Freeze drying the dead

is the future, says minister. Do you think you could just add boiling

water and they'd come back? The process reduces the body to powder

and has been pioneered by a company called Promessa Organic Burial,

whose slogan proudly states, we're the people who put the gran into

granules. Next, Berlusconi pulls plug on what? Pulls plug on

political career as he admits he's going to spend more time with his

16-year-old friends. Spend more time going to spend more time with his

in jail! On attempt to topple the Government. Quite right. News. Let's

get back to news. You're absolutely right. It is Berlusconi pulls plug

on attempt to bring down the Government. As his political career

draws to a close, the one thing Berlusconi is desperately hoping for

is immunity. Not just from prosecution but also from every

known sexually transmitted disease. And, finally, Icelandic phone app

stops you what? Eating yellow snow? No. Icelandic phone app stops you

dating close relatives. Is that a big problem in Iceland? There's not

many of them there. I imagine it's a smaller gene pool. It's dark a lot

of the time too. This is an app which tells you if your date is

relative. All you have to do is press a button and Bob's your uncle.

So, don't have sex with him. So, the final scores are... Paul and Danny

have six points. Ian and Cathy have seven. Yes!

I leave you with news that, in a bid to combat accusations of ageism, the

BBC re-employee Percy Thrower on Gardeners World. And the studios of

Sky TV, as the set is constructed for his new politics show, Adam

Boulton is about to regret naming for his new politics show, Adam

the programme, Talk It Through. And, following the split in the

Church of England over same-sex marriage, the Synod meets to discuss

an even more controversial proposal. Good night.

APPLAUSE.