Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Stephen Merchant.

In the news this week,

desperate to start another fight with the Daily Mail,

Ed Miliband is persuaded not to by his spin doctors...

..at a press conference in London,

Cheryl Cole offers to show off her new arse tattoo...

..and in Westminster, the day before throwing an egg at a politician,

a very methodical protester rehearses her plan.

On Ian's team tonight is the presenter of

BBC One Saturday night series I Love My Country,

described by the Daily Mail as a show for everyone,

except Ralf Miliband.

Please welcome Gabby Logan.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian

whose mother is one of the best make-up artists in the country

so I dread to think what he really looks like.

Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Hal, take a look at this.

Yes, this is Chinese opera and that's George Osborne

in China looking very pleased that he's there at the opera.

There's...

Mr Toad, is that?

This is Boris and George in China.

That's right, they were there on a charm offensive. Yes.

Boris provided the charm.

Yes.

But did you see that George had all the girls?

Well, he's a good-looking, smooth operator, isn't he? He is!

It's that haircut, isn't it?

10% off wallpaper.

Now, it was supposed to be Boris's trip. Mmm.

Why did George get along?

How did manage to weasel in? Why did he weasel in?

Did he weasel in?

I don't know. I've been in America. I don't know what's going on.

I don't mean that in a fancy way, like,

"I've been in America." I just mean...

I was fancy, actually. It was Los Angeles. Screw you.

No, why... Why was George along?

It was meant to be Boris's trip to start with.

Right. Then I think that the suggestion was

that Boris might need a chaperone. Right.

There is some suggestion as well, perhaps,

that George was also trying to make up for...

for previous incidents that occurred. Last year... Yes.

..they met the Dalai Lama and that upset the Chinese.

GABBY: George and Boris? No, David Cameron.

HAL: Cameron and Clegg.

Cameron and Clegg. Yes, he took Clegg with him.

Cleggy and Cammo,

they met Lammo. They did!

Well, the Chinese are terrified of the Dalai Lama

cos he's a threat to their national security.

You can tell from this picture how terrifying he is. Look at him.

Striking fear... ..into the hearts.

How did Boris upstage George?

I don't know. Tell us. Thank you.

It was a big speech at Peking University. Any ideas?

Did he speak Pekingese?

Which is... Pekingese?

Isn't that "dog"? did he speak "dog"?

I was...

I was trying to find... No, he spoke orange or mandarin.

You're on the right lines.

George was trying to make the point

that China was so important to the British people

that his daughter was learning Mandarin at school.

Then Boris said...

LAUGHTER

Eh? How about that, George? Swivel.

Here's a picture, by the way, of George and Boris looking pally.

"Come here, me old pal!"

Nothing he ever does about his appearance is accidental.

The tie's placed there very...

LAUGHTER ..very deliberately.

GABBY: A phallic tie. Why is that woman looking so disgusted at his...

She's looking at Boris Johnson.

They both went there on a sales pitch

and I think, because people have said that both of them

might take over the government one day,

which is an extraordinary thought, isn't it?

That they were both trying to show,

"I can sell more stuff to China than you can."

And they both made these speeches.

Did you see Boris's speech?

He said the reason that China would love us -

because Harry Potter's first girlfriend was Chinese.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How did The Independent describe George Osborne and Boris Johnson?

Well, they described them as "yin and yang".

Did they really? Yeah, no, I don't think so.

Someone described them as "yin and yang",

these elemental forces

that... Shape the world.

And disappear up each other in that symbol.

Oh, that's horrific. That's...

I'm just trying to add a bit of up-market Chinese philosophy.

In actuality, they're more Ant and Dec.

But now I've got Ant and Dec going up each other.

And what was George offering the Chinese,

according to The Independent?

You mentioned trade, but what else? Oh, anything. What is it?

They're going to take over Manchester, nuclear power.

It's going to be a lot easier to get in.

Right, absolutely, yes. Of course.

According to The Independent, George was offering...

Which chimes in perfect harmony with the Home Secretary who wants...

Staying in the mystic east,

what's the big news from the Himalayas?

It's the yeti. Go on. They think the yeti...

Well, they know the yeti doesn't exist because we would have

found one by now, but they think it might be a bear. Right.

That's what they're saying, isn't it? A bear covered in snow.

That's it, absolutely right, yeah.

Do we know who covets, or who has coveted a yeti?

Tom Cruise?

Could be the Cruise Machine. Do you know him? Have you met him?

Do I know Cruise?

Maybe I went to dinner while I was in LA at Cruise's house.

How was it? Great. Lovely bit of chicken.

Did he wear lifts in his shoes to meet you? He must have done.

I'm not answering those kind of questions. I bet he did.

And I played pool with his pool cue from The Colour Of Money.

Really? Yeah.

"Played with Tom Cruise's pool cue." That sounds weird.

Oh, there you are.

Now, do we know who else coveted the yeti?

Alexander the Great.

He wanted one? He wanted one.

Don't judge, different times.

It's like a Porsche Cayenne now, isn't it?

Things that people want.

He's giving you that look as though he's got one.

I haven't got a Porsche Cayenne, no.

You wouldn't fit in a Porsche, would you?

All right, come on. Sorry!

It's a good thing. I bet you've got a Range Rover.

I'm only mentioning that because I did a show recently

and I mentioned Yorkshire Tea and a huge box arrived...

Really? ..just after the show, so...

Oh, Gabby, I tell you one thing, though -

aren't Rolex watches amazing?

I really like Filipino women.

LAUGHTER Sorry, is that...

Is that too much? APPLAUSE

This is the latest attempt to sell Britain to China.

At a press conference in Beijing,

when Boris Johnson was asked about threats of violence

against dissenting journalists

and a shameful record on women and abortions,

Boris said, "Can we just talk about China instead?"

Boris was keen to point out

that the first girl that Harry Potter ever kissed

was a Chinese student called Cho Chang.

If you're wondering, Harry kissed her in the Goblet of Fire.

They had to cut that scene out from the film to get a PG rating.

Ian and Gabby, take a look at this.

Now, it's the policeman saluting Andrew Mitchell,

who was the victim of a plot.

He's saying goodbye to his career,

as they stitch him up.

This is Plebgate. Yes.

And we're finally coming to the end of it. Maybe not.

It seems that there should be somebody hung out for this.

Yeah, well there have been some... That's the implication, isn't it?

Well, the CPS are looking at prosecuting some policemen.

So, it's probably not the end then?

Oh, God, all right, it's not the end at all.

It's been going on for a year all ready, hasn't it?

Yes, he had to resign, he was Chief Whip,

for supposedly calling a policeman a pleb.

But then it turned out that the version -

the events - which the police gave

wasn't strictly true in the police log.

Bit like Hillsborough, it wasn't actually a record of events,

more a sort of fantasy...of what they would like to have happened.

But finally, it's all coming out and a lot of policemen will end up...

either being arrested or being forced to apologise.

Well, according to the Guardian, the phrase that Mitchell

consistently denied using was this...

Although the Mail said it was this...

Well, how long did the original incident actually last?

45 seconds. 45 seconds and so far it's cost...?

Quarter of a million pounds... Yes, it has. ..to investigate.

Could we get the Chinese to pay for that?

- But they must REALLY not have liked him,

there must have been a build-up of animosity towards him.

Yeah, do you think he'd ridden up to the gates most days and said,

"Open it!" Yeah.

It's open, come on!

Bike here, eco!

You know, it's a terrible dilemma,

do you believe a Tory member of the Cabinet, or a policeman?

You know, the public's got a real problem here.

In other news, which major international figure

fell foul of the law in a Westminster street this week?

Oh, yes, Hillary Clinton.

It was her car that was parked, illegally or something.

There was a picture in one of the papers, I think.

Her car's surrounded by SAS men, or whatever they're called -

SS men, Secret Service. CIA, FBI...

All that lot and they were standing around remonstrating

with this public servant who refused to tear up the ticket.

Absolutely right.

A spokesman for Westminster Council told the Telegraph...

Slight whiff of the PR department there, I think.

Finally, would anyone like to see Labour MP Diane Abbot

neatly deflect a question from Andrew Neil this week? ALL: Yes!

So why did Ed Miliband fire you?

Good afternoon.

In that picture there, it looks like the vase behind her

is pulling a sad face at her resignation.

Yes, this is the return of Plebgate.

Andrew Mitchell attempted to draw a line under the scandal a year ago.

According to the Mail, last October...

I think we all know how that meeting started.

"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo..."

I mean, come on, I'm hitting it out the park here.

Meanwhile, this week, a man has bee fined ?100

after hiding in a wardrobe during a police raid.

He nearly got off on a technicality

as the police hadn't finished counting to 20.

And so to round two and it's the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers please, teams.

BUZZER

Man discovered inside loaf of bread.

Putting bread in your ears makes you deaf.

This isn't these hybrid things like cronuts and...

I've been reading about. "Cronuts"?

It's like a croissant mixed with a doughnut.

Ah. This would be a maguette - a man mixed with a baguette.

That's very good.

A man must have gone into hospital, he had a headache for 15 years.

He didn't know what it was, they opened him up

and found bread inside his brains. It's one of those stories, isn't it?

A man with a piece of bread in his head.

Well, it's approaching that if you went back to the 17th century.

HAL: Is it something sexual?

GABBY: Did they used to put bread in peoples' heads

in the 17th century when they had really bad migraines?

Yeah, and if it grew into a loaf, you were a witch.

You're inching closer.

This is the discovery of a remarkable medical textbook

by 17th century royal physician Dr William Sermon.

Do you know he cured earache? They put bread in your ear.

Yeah, how did Dr Sermon suggest people cured toothache?

"Rub the infected tooth against the backside of a fox in the moonlight.

"While whistling Londonderry Air backwards."

That was if you couldn't get an erection. Oh(!)

Any other ideas for a toothache?

You-you spread something on it...

Yes, what? Rancid something.

OK, I'm interested. Poo or something.

Oh, come on.

We're having a lovely time with the moonlit fox, it was beautiful.

Then it's you lowering it again.

I thought it was going to be something like that. Is it aspirin?

Yeah, it was "Take aspiring and see a proper doctor."

Ah, it was "Rub watercress into the gums."

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Is it anything to do with the fact that people

who work for the American government have this week gone back to work?

It's exactly that, well done, yes.

American hasn't closed down?

There was a possibility the whole country

was just going to pack it in.

Just give up completely and say, "No, we can't do it."

Now, I don't know what's been going on in America...

Is that why everybody was free to play pool because no-one was working?

Was he there? Was Barack there as well?

No, he's on the phone saying, "No, Tom, I can't come."

"Stephen Merchant? Never heard of him." I bet he said.

So, yeah, so what exactly was happening in America

that is now not happening any more?

Well, the Republicans weren't agreeing a deal

on paying back the debt. Right.

It got nearer and nearer the deadline and they thought Obama

would cave in and say, "I'll forget my healthcare plan."

But he didn't.

He just said, "No, we either fall over the cliff together

"and the world goes with us, or we come to an agreement."

And they came to an agreement.

So it's an absolutely extraordinary story

about common sense breaking out.

Even amongst the Tea Party.

You know, which is quite big news.

How long is America now open for, now that they've reopened? 24 hours.

January. It's called "the Fiscal Cliff".

Which is a wonderful term.

When you go off the Fiscal Cliff,

do you hit Bankrupty Beach at the bottom?

Financial tide moves away.

Who was letting them extend their overdraft the whole time?

The Chinese own most of the bonds.

And there's a debt of something like...a zillion gillion.

That's a technical term, you'll follow me...

The Chinese own most of it.

But can all of us get an account with the Chinese?

There's a firm called Wonga.

Does anyone know high the debt ceiling actually was

before the deal kicked in?

It's 16,000 billion, I think. That's right.

Ah, same thing.

The papers helpfully explained that as being...

That's good, cos normally they explain everything

in football pitches, don't they?

How many football pitches is that? Everything in size in this county

is explained in football pitches, have you noticed that?

No wonder I've got no spatial awareness.

I'd prefer it if it was basketball courts, personally. I just...

Did you shoot some hoops? Course I shot some hoops - 6'7", sweetheart.

No, honestly, I can't play basketball

but I genuinely love going to basketball games

cos they're so tall I feel like I'm among my people.

My youngest daughter is ginger and I have the same feeling

when we go to Scotland, it's like, her people.

Where has this left the Republican party?

In disarray.

The Republicans are coming out of it badly. Absolutely right.

According to the Times, the Republican party's approval rating

has dipped to...

So they shut down the government,

they almost brought the world economy to its knees,

but they're still more popular than the Lib Dems.

Yeah, this is the news that the US has reopened for business.

The US shutdown was descried by one commentator as...

Bit of a slap in the face for Al-Qaeda.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, for the next one.

BUZZER

Have they shut the Humber Bridge to stop people going to Hull?

To stop people going to Hull? Yeah.

They don't want any more tourists, they've got enough.

Maybe they're trying a new slogan -

"Hull, one letter different from hell."

Could be it, couldn't it?

You're in the right neighbourhood, both of you.

John Prescott's from Hull. Or was MP for Hull. Yeah.

That's why they should just close Hull? Yes.

He's not an MP any more, is he? Other than...

Member of the House of Lords. Oh, right.

He's a Lord in Hull as well, isn't he?

Is he the Lord of Hull? Well, I don't know.

"I am the Lord of Hull!"

It is to do with Hull but it's actually The Economist magazine.

They have a very specific view on Hull.

It should be shut down?

Absolutely right, yes,

The Economist magazine thinks that the city should be closed down

along with Burnley, Middlesbrough, and Hartlepool.

Closed down?

Why? The Economist described any efforts

to save struggling northern communities as...

You lived in Leeds, didn't you? I was born in Leeds.

Should they close that down? Leeds is doing very well.

Have you heard of Leeds, Ian? Yes!

There's a football team in Leeds, isn't there?

There is - Leeds United.

You see? Local knowledge.

Paul, any view on Leeds?

So good they named it once?

Yes, this is The Economist magazine's plan to shut Hull.

Grim, dull and uninspiring...

The Economist comes out every week.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Paul? Useless watch is marketed.

Is this a smart watch?

In some ways.

Ah, this is about life expectancy.

It measures your health, that's what it's got to be.

Wait, I don't know the rules. They buzzed but you started answering.

Ian's a ventriloquist.

I'll watch him for the answer.

"Time remaining - 63 years" that's the clue.

Making your blood pressure...

It measures your breath or something. It's something...

You have that on and it tells you you've got 63 years left.

So you're not normally worried at that point

but when it gets to six minutes and 34 seconds...

then you start looking for quality time.

You're absolutely right, that's exactly what it is, yeah.

Don't people get hit by cars?

Wouldn't they get a refund?

What, looking at the watch? You go, "I was...Oh!"

You know the amazing thing about this?

This is not a joke, this is serious. My associate, Karl Pilkington,

genuinely came up with this idea about three or four years ago.

Really? And he's a moron.

Yeah, the watch does work, as you say, by calculating your death date

by taking into account the various stress factors

that could hasten your death like smoking, drinking,

and wearing a watch that constantly reminds you you're about to die.

And you probably lie to your own watch.

The watch says, "How many units?" You go, "Hardly any.

"Two, three. Maybe, you know...

"a glass with Downton."

I'd adjust that number with the little switch on the side,

put it up to another 20 - 83 years.

That would be the thing to do.

Can you image Bruce Forsyth's watch?

Technically it's a sundial.

I do hope that Rolex makes this watch.

And if they don't, I love them anyway.

Filipino woman can shorten your life, I tell you.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is the new motto for the Fukushima nuclear power plant,

which had a meltdown last year.

And, unbelievably, I don't know if I can actually say this live,

but this character, because it's Fukushima, is known as Fukuppy.

Amazingly, you're almost exactly right.

It's the mascot of Fukushima Industries,

which makes commercial freezers.

Is anyone interested in seeing the mascot

of the Fukushima nuclear power plant?

They do have a mascot, here it is.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you show the original one again?

It looks like Ross Kemp.

Do you remember? It does!

Talking of Japanese mascots, who do you think this is?

Is that an aubergine on his head? Yeah. It is?

I couldn't confirm or deny it.

GABBY: They are going to host...

Did they not get the Olympics, didn't they, in 2020?

You may be right, you know all about "spoirts."

As we say in California.

It sounded a lot more like Devon.

He's actually a mascot for a Japanese prison.

LAUGHTER

This is Fukuppy, the mascot for a Japanese refrigeration company.

It really is a schoolboy error for a company

to leave the name of its fridges open to such puerile jokes,

said the managing director of Smeg.

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.

Cambridge, the pharaoh Ramesses II,

Princess Michael of Kent

and the Environment Minister Owen Paterson.

I don't know, any thoughts on this?

Um...I haven't a clue.

It's not anything to do with...

mummification? But no, it can't be.

Expand, I'm interested to know what you're thinking.

Princess Michael's still alive, isn't she? Yes.

Yeah, um... LAUGHTER

Everything else has been mummified, including Cambridge.

GABBY: Anything to do with counties?

Owen Paterson is trying to kill badgers in Gloucestershire.

Princess Michael of Kent... Right.

Cambridge... Yes. ..shire.

Yes. You were onto something when you mentioned badgers.

Owen Paterson looks like a badger with that hair...

GABBY: OK...

Princess Michael of Kent is the man in the Badger Watch line.

This is a whole bunch of badgers that are causing trouble.

Right? But not in Egypt.

But...but...but... No, that was a plague of locusts.

OK, plague of locusts, plague of... Oh, plague.

Plagues. All right, come on. So she's got a plague of something.

Oh, she has. He's got a plague of badgers.

Cambridge has a plague of undergraduates.

HAL: Everybody has a plague.

No, Cambridge hasn't. Apart from Paterson who is a plague.

Well done, well done!

Yes, yes.

It's actually they've been plagued by frogs.

Except Environment Minister Owen Paterson who was plagued by badgers.

What does Princess Michael claim to have done

only once since she got married?

She's had two children, hasn't she? Right.

Twins.

Been to the high street once. Well done, absolutely right.

Yes, she said...

Obviously, Ramesses II, do we know what suffered a plague of?

GABBY: Is it rats? I've given it away, it was actually frogs.

What about Cambridge?

You may have missed this story in the Cambridge News.

There was a man on his boat in Cambridge,

Alisdhair Currie-Crawford,

who suddenly noticed a lot of frogs all over the place.

Here he is. He said...

It happened, this incident, on 23rd July earlier in the year.

According to the Cambridge News...

No, they didn't.

Yeah, they've all been plagued by frogs apart from Owen Paterson.

In an article in the Sunday Times, Princess Michael of Kent

talks about being told she had to...

adding...

That's only because when she goes out,

she thinks people are calling her

"that posh Kent".

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features

as its guest publication Bonsai Focus.

Dedicated to the art of cultivating tiny Japanese trees.

Bonsai Focus, by the way, has a mascot called Growthefuckuppy.

And we start with...

HAL: Tiny plans for a tree house.

Body part. It's a body part, it's definitely a body part.

Kidney. Gall bladder.

It's bladder, well done. Print your own bladder. Well done.

Yeah. No, it took two decades for scientists to develop a 3-D printer

that could create body parts.

It's going to take the first customer two minutes

before he starts printing a pair of boobs.

Next...

GABBY: Stop me going to BT Sport.

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

That's obviously a complete lie!

It sounded like a pitch to me.

HAL: Is it to lure Noel Edmonds back? GABBY: Where's he gone?

Where's he gone? Deal Or No Deal!

Is he there, that's it, he can't leave?

Yeah, he lives in a little box.

He has a whale of a time. Sometimes he's in number 9,

sometimes he's in number 15.

They're bringing back The Clangers, so it could be that.

Bring back The Clangers. Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

And finally...

Top of Mrs Kobayashi.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On top of the world, looking down at a very small creation.

Um, it's actually...

Oh! There you are.

So, the final scores are...

Paul and Hal have an epic 5.

Ian and Gabby triumphant with 11.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Gabby Logan,

Paul Merton and Hal Cruttenden.

I leave you with news that at a film premiere in London,

Tom Hanks finally meets the man

who inspired the character of Forrest Gump.

LAUGHTER

As the Miss China contest ends in a draw,

the judge announces it'll all come down to the tie break round.

LAUGHTER

And there's more shocked reactions to Cheryl Cole's arse tattoo,

as she's spotted sunbathing naked in her garden.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd