Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

I was going to say, "Good luck, David."

Then I thought, "No. That sounds like a slightly dodgy African president."

LAUGHTER

"Goodluck David."

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm David Mitchell.

In the news this week...

Enjoying his newfound freedom on a US road trip, Prince Harry

suddenly senses Cressida Bonas may not be over him.

As BBC Look North West move into smaller premises,

they deny that their decision to place the news

studio in a lift was a mistake.

In a statement, the panel said it welcomed the apology,

but said some of the financial costs could have been avoided.

And as the BBC is criticises for giving Nigel Farage too much

air time, it devises a new strategy to ensure balance.

I think you guys are doing a very good job at trying to trivialise

and demonise everything we do.

The fact is we're fighting a national election campaign here

on the issue...

On Ian's team tonight is a comedy writer

and performer whose full name is Andrew Neil Hamilton,

but if you're hoping for a combination and Andrew Neil

and Neil Hamilton, then what sort of person are you?

-Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

-APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is an award-winning comedian who

says she makes no apology for being pessimistic and negative.

And anyway, even if she did, it would be utterly pointless.

-Please welcome Susan Calman.

-APPLAUSE

I must get rid of that pen. Just looking at my shirt.

Look, it's a white shirt.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Susan, take a look at this.

Ah, yes, it's very windy at the calendar factory.

-That's...

-Ed Miliband.

Ed Miliband with Johann Lamont, just strolling the streets of Scotland.

Ah, is that what he's doing? In his perfectly natural manner, yes.

-Very relaxed. Very casual.

-Ah, yes...

This still works, does it? Politicians holding babies?

-Erm...

-Oh.

-There was a pre-baby - an egg...

hitting Nigel Farage in the chops.

And there's a very happy man looking forward to the current

election coming up in Europe.

Loneliest man in the world.

-It's a year till the General Election.

-Yes.

Now the excitement can really begin.

This is when Ed Miliband, we've thought that he was a useless man,

but like a caged panther, he will now pounce.

Only if they let him out the cage, which seems unlikely.

The metaphorical cage of his own presentational failures.

Yes, this is the grim realisation that there's still a whole year

until the next General Election,

even though there's a sort of methadone election that

-no-one really cares about sooner than that.

-Oh...

I did not mean by "methadone election"

these Scottish independence vote, by the way. I have no idea...

I was just wondering if...

It's quite early, but let's start now, David, shall we?

No, I was saying... I was merely saying that a European Election

is like the methadone to the full smack of a General Election.

The reason they're starting electioneering is

because there's no business in the House of Commons.

The coalition's got nothing else to do.

It's not as though there are any problems in the country.

There are no bills, they couldn't think what to put

in the Queen's speech,

so they thought, "Let's go out electioneering."

So that's what you've got - babies, eggs, Miliband.

But what has been doing in terms of presentation? What's he been up to?

Oh... He said that he was more intellectually self confident

than Cameron, which is, I mean...

In my experience, self confident people tend not to go around saying

how self confident they are.

-And they don't usually say, "I think", afterwards.

-Er...

Saying that you're cleverer than David Cameron

is not setting the bar very high.

Cameron got a better degree than he did.

But in politics. That's like embroidery, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Come on!

It's not a proper subject, you know.

So what was your subject?

Well, I don't see how that's any of your business.

You're quite right. Ed Miliband said in an interview this week...

For this interview, according to the Mail...

And...

LAUGHTER

Do you know? That's like a photograph you'd see on Grindr.

Please would you like to inform the court what "Grindr" is exactly?

It's for gentlemen to find other gentlemen in your area.

That looks like he's saying, "There's a space here for you."

There's a photo that could be improved

by the presence of a kestrel.

-Undoubtedly.

-Maybe...

Maybe there was a kestrel and they painted it out.

Maybe... "You know what? The kestrel's too much."

People keep looking at the kestrel.

There was probably a row of birds of prey all along...

All along that arm.

All wearing little a T-shirt - "Don't vote UKIP."

What does Ed say keeps his ambition in check?

The ghost of his brother.

His wife Justine.

-Oh.

-Yes.

-He says...

That's very romantic.

"Darling, you're such a good corrective."

He calls her Tipp-Ex in bed.

-He's released a Party Political Broadcast. Have you seen that?

-Hmm.

It's a spoof of a 1950s film.

That's going to get the young people...out there in droves.

I did watch the Labour one

and it ended with another motto with no verb in about hardworking people.

That just makes no sense at all.

It's like Yoda's written that.

AS YODA: "Hardworking Britain better off."

What about people like me?

Do bone idle people not get represented

after the...next election?

We're quite an important demographic.

If Labour brought out a poster that said,

"Vote Labour. We won't expect too much of you."

- If they set the bar as low as possible then I'm never disappointed,

and they're never disappointed in me as a voter.

Settle for Labour.

They're not New Labour any more - I hadn't noticed that.

-They're going to rebrand.

-Yeah. Labour.

-Labour Classic.

They couldn't call themselves New Labour when Blair left.

It's like when Mike Nolan left Bucks Fizz.

They couldn't call themselves Bucks Fizz any more.

Labour could go with Bucks Fizz.

Champagne socialists, but slightly diluted with orange juice.

And the Lib Dems. What are they?

I think they're going to sit this election out. It's probably...

They've got a note from their mother.

I think they'll play the sympathy vote to a certain extent,

just have Nick Clegg topless holding a puppy

just looking into the camera like that...

SUSAN MOUTHS

According to The Sunday Times, what has David Cameron decided to do?

Resign.

-No.

-Go on holiday.

No, this is about the TV debate.

He's going to debate with Nigel Farage.

He's going for the toughest one first.

That's right. Cameron is going to take on Farage.

According to The Sunday Times, Cameron wants the TV debates

to be in...

So, that's Cameron-Miliband, Clegg-Miliband-Cameron,

and Farage-Cameron-Clegg-Miliband with Yaya Toure behind the strikers.

Thank you for laughing, I don't know what that meant.

And does anyone want to see a television debate in Jordan?

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, please.

-Well, let's have a look.

MEN SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER IN OWN LANGUAGE

That's what you want to see on Question Time.

I was just wondering how well this set will stand up to that

amount of anger.

Well, we got the replacement for Paxman.

-I loved the way they ended up holding it like a giant tray.

-Yeah.

The giant bit from a box of tissues, at the top.

Maybe they're arguing about the furniture.

"I'm telling you this is cheap tat."

And what has the Daily Mail columnist,

and wife of Michael Gove, Sarah Vine

suggested Cameron should do as a way of winning the next election?

Listen to his wife.

The disgusting-sounding thing called the Samantha smell test.

She said that Cameron should put all policies in front

of Samantha Cameron because she's had such great judgment.

But if she had such great judgment, would she be Mrs Cameron?

It's absolutely right. "Any policy must pass the..."

-Isn't that when Samantha goes...

-HE SNIFFS

..is that Rebekah Brooks' perfume?

Yes, this is the news that, with a year to go

until the general election, Ed Miliband has struck an early blow

against David Cameron by announcing...

Well, if there's one thing all the polls tell us,

it's that the British public love a smug prick.

According to The Times...

Well, what she actually says is, "Stop pestering me, Ed.

"I don't know how I'm going to vote yet."

Ian and Andy, take a look at this.

-Ooh.

-They're sciencing.

-Yeah, look.

ANDY LAUGHS EVILLY

Liquid danger.

-Oh, that's the Chancellor.

-Yeah.

He's going to take a very close look.

"Ooh, signs of growth."

Oh, there's Pfizer!

A p-fabulous company.

-Oh.

-Gosh, he looks sad, doesn't he?

"My name is Vince Cable

"and I'm here to share my feelings with the group."

It's the takeover, proposed, of AstraZeneca by Pfizer.

They're an American company and it's quite an alarming prospect

because they have a history of asset-stripping.

MPs won't want to get the wrong side of Pfizer because Pfizer make Viagra.

And they've got lots of young researchers to keep happy so...

Are you suggesting they get Viagra free?

-If we keep saying Viagra enough times, we get a box-load.

-Yeah.

Does it comes in boxes?

I don't know.

Yeah, Pfizer's main interest is buying the company

so that they can pretend they're based here for low tax purposes.

You know, they'll put up a plaque above McDonald's

somewhere in North London saying, "The Headquarters of Pfizer,"

and then pay no tax cos it's a British company.

I mean it's a real scam and Cable said,

"Oh, we shouldn't be a tax haven, we should be a centre of knowledge.

"But there's nothing I can do about it, I'm Business Secretary."

Miliband accused Cameron of being a cheerleader for Pfizer.

-Give us a P.

-You don't say the P.

Forget the P, they're taking it.

Meanwhile, why is the Government's new "Crystal Ball Unit"

causing concern?

Have they fired Madame Arcati?

This is a genuine unit, it was set up a year ago,

employing four full-time officials.

It's actually called...

Set up to look into the future and identify future threats,

risks and opportunities for the UK.

-What's it spotted so far?

-Eh, nothing.

Nothing is what it has spotted.

Absolutely nothing.

How do you get on this committee? Four people? Who are they?

-I think they're just sitting there counting their blessings.

-Yes.

"I wonder how long this will last."

And going, "I have no idea."

In other technology news,

what has the Ministry of Defence decided to buy 48 of?

Is it guns?

-Double our armed forces.

-No.

Is it white flags?

Can you mime it?

Are these the fighter planes?

Yes, the F-35 Strike Fighter stealth jets.

Well, you could have mimed that, couldn't you?

No, you can't see them, they're stealth.

How do we know we've bought them then?

Some guy indicates an empty hangar. "Yes, that will be lovely.

"How many of them? 28? Here we are.

"I can't find the keys."

It's not Vince Cable again, is it? Is it Vince Cable?

The thing is, you say that about them but despite having cost £1.3bn

to develop, do you know what the problem with this stealth jet is?

-It doesn't work.

-You can see it.

-Well, according to the...

-It was only the phonebox.

-It's very clumsy, it makes a lot of noise.

According to the Mail on Sunday...

Its invisibility rating is categorised as...

..or VLO for short

although that can now be shortened even further to just O.

This is Pfizer's hostile takeover of AstraZeneca.

That will come as news to George Bush, because AstraZeneca was

top of his list of countries to invade before he left office.

According to the Daily Mail, the drug company merger would...

Or as Pfizer put it, in very small print,

"May cause side effects."

And so to Round Two - The Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-Yes, Ian and Andy?

Are you not allowed to cheat in exams any more?

This was a sign that was put up in an examination hall.

It said, "No cheating", you know?

Just telling people, "Don't cheat in the exam."

But the formulae written on the hand is actually genuine stuff,

and so they were able to look at the poster...

and answer some of the mathematical questions

based on what was written on the poster.

-Is that right?

-That is absolutely right.

Yes, this is the news that Plymouth University has had to

take down anti-cheating posters as they were helping students to cheat.

In other mistake news,

why have Google been suffering from rogue anuses?

Oh, yes! Yes! Yes, this is...

"Yes! Yes!"

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya.

There's a computer programme which misreads old print,

so "arms" comes out as "anus". So, "Farewell to anus..."

"I draped my anus across her shoulder in a comforting manner..."

This is what's happening. This is what's happening.

It sounds as if I'm making it up, but I'm not, am I, David?

You're not making it up.

The scanning television they used to turn books into eBooks

can't differentiate between "arms" and "anus" in certain typefaces.

Here's a quote from John Mackay Wilson's

Tales Of The Borders...

From Georgina Bragg's Matisse On The Loose...

And in The Complete Works Of Washington Irving,

there's a reference to...

Are there any other words that Google Book's

-scanning technology has confused?

-Yeah, it can't do "tax".

Yes, it reads "tax" as "free".

No, it's "burn" and "bum" get muddled up, as well.

As in a patent for a carrier for an integrated circuit that talks of...

God. Scotland, what happens? It's Bum's Night?

Where they all join anuses and sing Auld Lang Syne?

It's not just Google who forget to check that words are right.

Has anyone seen any mistakes on the BBC recently?

No, not one.

Here's one, for a start.

And here's another one...

And here's another one...

And, finally, this one may not be a mistake,

this may just be honest captioning.

"Nobody cares."

This is Plymouth University's "No Cheating" poster

which helped students to cheat.

The poster features formulae used to calculate

infinitesimally small probabilities -

for instance, the probability of getting a job

with a degree from Plymouth University.

Also in the news, it's new digitising software

which can't tell the difference between "arms" and "anus".

Neither can Nigel Evans after a few pints.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Arm wrestling match?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Yes?

-Salmon being sold as Scottish salmon which aren't.

They've been passing off... Is it Norwegian?

You're absolutely right. It's both Norwegian salmon and Chilean salmon.

Which I've never heard of.

But they've been passed off as Scottish salmon, it is alleged.

Is there an essential difference between these salmons

-that we would tell?

-Yes.

-What is that?

-The Scottish salmon are from Scotland and the other ones are not.

-I see.

After independence, will the salmon

returning to its spawning ground need a passport

if the river is the wrong side of the border?

Do you get those waterproof bags to put...

If you go, like, swimming, like hardcore swimming, like...eh...

That you get these waterproof bags, so your wallet's inside,

so all the salmon would have to have like a backpack...

So, that's what's going to happen if Scotland's independent.

They get you to blow the national budget

on loads of backpacks for salmon.

The salmon don't just swim in Scotland, do they?

They swim across the world, don't they?

They do, yes.

ANDY: So lots of countries could claim them?

SUSAN: Yes, but they can't claim they're Scottish.

I don't think many salmon one year swim up a river

in Scotland to spawn and then say, "Next year, how about Chile?"

-No, but...

-They might do if they want to get rid of the backpacks.

How have the Chilean salmon been passed off as Scottish?

Put them in kilts.

Put in packets marked "Produce of Scotland".

Bang on.

The St James Smokehouse deny this.

They say they're just selling Scottish salmon.

According to The Herald...

..as you have to pay for the batter.

Does anyone want to see an extract from a French cookery programme?

-Mmm!

-Yes, please!

-May oui?

Unfortunately, no-one noticed the cat.

NARRATOR SPEAKS FRENCH

That might be a gong to indicate dinner is served.

Nobody noticed.

Yeah, you dubbed that noise on, didn't you?

They didn't notice, you must have dubbed the noise on.

This is the court case over fake Scottish salmon.

The Scottish origins of any fish are all a question of perception.

After all, a salmon from Chile has spent about

as much of its life in Scotland as Sean Connery has.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

It's one between you this week. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Your four are...

Albert Einstein

Michelangelo's David

Pinocchio

and Achilles.

BUZZER

-Yes?

-Michelangelo's David,

or Da-veed or whatever it is, that's cracking up a bit.

It needs repairing. It's beginning to sort of, like,

disintegrate slightly.

And that is Brad Pitt, isn't it? But it's Achilles the God.

He obviously had an Achilles heel so that a sort of weakness.

It's a weakness in the leg. Pinocchio had weak legs

cos they were made of wood and Albert Einstein's the odd one out.

I bet that's right.

You're in the right area but that's not the right odd one out.

No, I didn't think it was. I ran out of thoughts on that one.

There was a study that said Pinocchio could only have told 13 lies

and then he'd have fallen over.

It's about them all having a problem with a part of their body.

Albert Einstein, was he very short-sighted?

-No, it can't be that.

-It's not to do with that.

-Was it his ankle?

-Just below his ankle.

-Oh, right.

-His toes. His big toes.

-Heel.

-His foot.

LAUGHTER

-Einstein's foot.

-Albert Einstein's foot.

-Yeah.

-And Achilles'...

-Heel.

-..foot.

-Michelangelo's leg, the big calf. Pinocchio's nose.

So the odd one out...

-Pinocchio.

-That's right. Well done.

APPLAUSE

They all have a problem with their feet, apart from Pinocchio

who, it has just been discovered, has a problem with his head.

Researchers at the University of Leicester have discovered

Pinocchio would only have been able to tell 13 lies before his neck

snapped under the weight of his nose.

Oh, is that because he's fictional?

Another study, the same students have done, was...

-So...

-Does he?

-No.

-I think Tigger might be bipolar.

-Oh, definitely.

According to Homer's Iliad, Achilles was the Greeks' greatest warrior

during the Trojan War and was invulnerable save for his heel.

You can see what a great actor Brad Pitt is there cos, look,

he looks like Achilles there and he was that black newsreader earlier.

-Fantastic.

-He's got real range, hasn't he?

-And Einstein...

-Yes, Einstein.

-Do you know what the thing with him was...?

He had a slight limp.

-He had fallen arches.

-Polio.

He had flat and sweaty feet,

for which reason he was rejected by the Swiss military.

Pinocchio's creator Geppetto was a lonely old man who

longed for a little boy to play with so he made one out of wood.

I don't know what wood.

Yewtree?

Scientists in Florence have warned that

Michelangelo's David has weak ankles.

Don't worry, David, no-one's looking at your ankles,

they're looking at your tiny cock...

..is what they used to say to me at school.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

SUSAN LAUGHS

Wasn't it part of the school song?

Several tourists who've been to see Michelangelo's David have

noticed a large crack. But only when they wandered round the back.

I knew that was coming.

Time now for the missing words round, which features, this week

as its guest publication, Chimney Journal.

I must warn you, there's some really filthy stuff inside.

And we start with...

Is it "deny all charges"?

It is simply...

We knew that.

This is from an advert for chimney pots which are available in...

Feel free to Google.

Next...

Sat nav.

Eamonn Holmes.

ANDY: Is it Radio 5?

It's Radio 5. That is correct.

-That's brilliant.

-No, it's not. I just read the paper.

LAUGHTER

I must try that.

Electromagnetic noise from AM broadcast signals could be

disrupting the migratory flight path of birds.

This may sound like a flimsy excuse

to ban Nicky Campbell's 5 Live Breakfast Show

but right now it's the best we've got.

Next...

ANDY: Will not be allowed treatment on the NHS.

Will not be tolerated in UKIP.

Between you you've got it, really. It's...

Oh, yes.

And finally...

Not attracting enough women.

It's not just knobs, is it?

SUSAN: Have lots of knobs.

ANDY: They're all criminal offences.

The answer is...

A waste of time for eunuchs? No, sorry, go on.

This is the knob-throwing contest and food festival in Cattistock.

According to BBC News Online...

What a sad day it is when the BBC gets a cheap laugh

out of saying the word knob.

SOME LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, I was hoping for another one.

So, the final scores are

Ian and Andy had ten points

and Susan and Paul have nine points.

APPLAUSE

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Andy Hamilton,

Paul Merton and Susan Calman,

and I leave you with news that, in Bracknell,

one disgruntled office worker

is strangely reluctant to discuss his problem.

The inventors congratulate themselves as they unveil

the world's first animatronic football presenter.

And after an arduous royal visit to Australia,

the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge say goodbye to Nicholas Witchell.

Good night.