Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Daniel Radcliffe.

In the news this week...

In London, Ed Miliband thinks he may have turned up too early

for a party rally of his most loyal supporters.

Where are they?

With more time on his hands, there's evidence that Jeremy Clarkson

is looking for ways to liven up his weekly shop.

And a man on his way to give a motivational speech

on anger management narrowly misses his train to Ipswich.

HE YELLS

-Oh, dear.

-On Ian's team tonight is a comedy actress who says to be

a really good comedian, you need to have been sacked or in jail.

At last, a bright future for Andy Coulson.

Please welcome Diane Morgan.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And with Paul tonight is a writer and satirist

who claims he never answers his phone after six o'clock.

So he's more relaxed but he'll miss out on thousands of pounds

of compensation from mis-sold PPI.

Please welcome Armando Ianucci.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And we start with the first of what's going to be many montages

of an increasingly tedious nature about the election.

-Paul and Armando, here's yours.

-Yes.

This is the TV debate. There's two of them having a go at each other.

There's Nigel not really knowing what's going on and Nick's asleep.

Yes, this was the much-anticipated ITV leadership debate...

-Who was it much anticipated by?

-I enjoyed it.

-Did you?

Yeah, for those of us who watch that stuff, it's like the cup final.

It's great. This is what we've waited for.

The fact that it was a nil-all draw...

Quite boring.

In Ed Miliband's notes it said, "Look like you've much anticipated this."

-The notes he left in his room...

-Yes.

Was there any one you felt did particularly well or badly?

Well, let's see. Everyone expecting Natalie Bennett

to have another brain freeze,

which she didn't, so that was a triumph. And...

-DIANE: I liked Leanne Wood's beehive.

-She had a beehive?

-She had a beehive.

-Was that a policy or a...?

-The hairdo.

-Hairstyle.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah.

Don't try and drag Ian into popular cultural references.

Even if they're from the 1960s, it'll only confuse him.

-You mentioned the notes Ed Miliband left in his room.

-Yes.

Do you want to expand on what they said?

"Do not leave these notes in my dressing room."

-He...

-That would've been good, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

He reminded himself to be "a happy warrior",

which is a phrase from William Wordsworth.

According to the Sun...

There's one thing you can say about Nelson is that

he wasn't the ideal man of arms.

Any other notes that you remember him leaving himself?

-Look at the camera.

-Yeah.

And above all else, keep referring everything to you at home

and the decision you, the people,

are going to have to make in four weeks' time.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What reason did David Cameron give for finally agreeing

to take part in a leadership debate?

Well, he'd given so many reasons for not doing it, he'd said,

"I'll do it if the Greens do it." The Greens said they'd do it

and then he said, "OK, I'll do it if the other lot do it."

They said they'd do it and he said,

"Oh, I'll do it if it's not on a Tuesday."

And eventually he had to do it

and he was desperately keen not to debate.

He said, "I am unblocking the logjam."

-Which is never a pleasant job.

-No.

Another star of the debate was this member of the audience

-who had a pretty fantastic moustache.

-Oh, yeah.

He held the title of the best known moustachioed member of the audience

of a election debate for a full week,

at which point the Scottish leaders debate took place

and the title was passed to this man.

-Yes.

-The first leadership debate involved Jeremy Paxman,

Ed Miliband and David Cameron.

Can anyone remember what happened at the end of it that was rather odd?

Well, I thought it was that he asked him if he was all right.

-It was just a bit patronising, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

"I've been very, very rude to you.

"I've said you're a geek and a weirdo and you betrayed your family,

"but you all right?"

Just quite odd, really.

I think we've got it here to look at the oddness.

I believe that I'm the best choice to be Prime Minister.

-Ed Miliband, thank you.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

-You OK, Ed?

-Sorry?

-You all right?

-Yeah. Are you?

A bit like a hit-and-run driver

putting a pillow under the victim's head, isn't it?

"Comfortable now?

"Do you remember how you got here?"

-But he didn't ask Cameron that.

-No.

Fantastic, Cameron appears on a show with Paxman and Paxman asks him

quite a difficult question and Cameron was outraged.

-"How dare you ask me questions!"

-Yeah.

-"I've come on a debate..."

My favourite answer that Cameron gave,

a brilliant politician's answer,

was when they said, "What is it you regret most?"

He just said, "Well, the things we did brilliantly,

"we should've done sooner."

Which is like a great way of not answering or fessing up to anything.

Another question for you, Ian,

are you tough enough?

Am I toughy nuts?

-Are you...?

-You know that children's character.

You are Toughy Nuts and I claim my £5.

Sorry, it's the beard. Tough enough.

-Look, it's...

-That's a drawback for an actor, isn't it?

-Your beard, if he can't be heard through the beard.

-I know. Terrible.

-I can never do stage work again.

-You could be on Jamaica Inn.

IAN LAUGHS

It was actually...

It's a question Ed Miliband asked himself during the debate.

Am I tough "enuss"?

LAUGHTER

And he hasn't even got a beard!

-What would he be like with a beard?

-And then he answers it.

But am I tough "enuss"? Tough enough.

Hell, yes, I'm tough enough.

DIANE: Oh, leave him alone!

-There might be more.

-Did you think we'd moved into sympathy?

JINGLE PLAYS

-That noise...

-Yes?

That noise is heralding the first of our four

election bonus buzzer questions.

Innovation after 25 years?!

This is...

LAUGHTER

-Keep going.

-This is a chance for an extra point. A quickfire question.

-Oh, right. Fingers on buzzer.

-The category is...

-Yes.

-OK.

-Fingers on buzzers.

Here's Ukip's prospective candidate for Caerphilly, Sam Gould,

after writing "We love Nige" in the Margate Sand.

What happened next?

BUZZER

He didn't realise that the way the tide works

is that it comes in, then out, and he was unaware that that's what it does

and it came in and he got stranded and he had to be pulled up...

-Yes.

-..onto a wall.

The access ramp had been covered by an incoming tide

and he had to be hauled to safety by a Ukip press officer.

There's been some worse honeymoons than that.

On the first official day of the campaign,

Nick Clegg actually went to a hedgehog sanctuary.

-Oh, God, yeah.

-Something that he soon regretted.

Really poorly. She got maggots in every orifice.

So she can no longer look after the hedgehog!

-I like these animals.

-I do.

I'm just saying,

why do the Liberals choose a hedgehog?

-Even Mrs Thatcher, do you remember? She grabbed a cow.

-Yeah.

Did Miliband have an animal?

Did he not join in?

I would like to have seen him with a massive tarantula on his face.

-Farage didn't do an animal thing, did he?

-Not that I know of, but...

He met up with Joey Essex, which is similar.

Maybe he thinks Joey Essex is a baby kangaroo.

After meeting Joey Essex,

shall we see how Nigel Farage's photo op went?

ALL: Yeah!

JINGLE PLAYS

Right, that noise means it's time

for some more election bonus buzzer questions.

This category is Who Said This?

-Right.

-All are recent quotes.

-OK.

Fingers on buzzers. Who said:

BUZZER RINGS

David Cameron.

Nigel Farage said that.

-Yes, he did.

-He did, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Absolutely right.

-Yeah, absolutely.

Erm...

who said, "With the..."

-Oh, no, I've just done that one.

-Yeah.

-BUZZER

-Nigel Farage.

APPLAUSE

There's too many repeats on the BBC,

within programmes!

Who said:

That's got to be Nick Clegg.

-BUZZER

-Nick Clegg.

-No.

-No.

-Miliband.

-Yes.

-Good, well done.

-Yes.

I was going to say Valerie Singleton, but...

And finally, who said this?

ARMANDO LAUGHS LOUDLY

BUZZER RINGS

Duke of Edinburgh.

APPLAUSE

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.

-So is she standing for anyone?

-She is, that's why we brought it up.

-I don't know.

-Why does her shadow belong to someone else?

APPLAUSE

It's clearly the shadow of a thick-set man in his 50s.

Has she got low self-esteem or something?

This is the seven-way debate featuring a group of party leaders

eager to put their case to the electorate.

Seeing the seven party leaders on stage together

reminded me of the Seven Dwarfs:

Happy, Grumpy, Goofy, Scotty, Greeny, Creepy

and the one out of Plaid Cymru-y.

According to the Daily Mail,

the debate saw SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon transform herself into a:

That's one of my favourite spells.

APPLAUSE

Ian and Diane, take a look at this.

Oh, it won't stay in.

That's another metaphor.

"Hi, I'm a normal guy."

"I don't want any milk!"

"You're killing me!"

Oh, he's back.

DIANE: He's back again, like cystitis.

-ARMANDO: Moral support.

-Is that Blair now? He's really changed.

-This is the rest of the election.

-Yes, basically.

-Going well.

-The resurrection of Tony Blair.

Yes, Ed Miliband has enough problems and suddenly, he's backed by Tony.

Yes.

The Mail referred to it as "Blair's toxic embrace."

Probably fair enough.

He gave a speech suggesting that you really can't trust people to vote.

-Yes.

-We can't have an EU referendum,

cos the British people might come up with the wrong verdict.

-Yes.

-He's right - they voted for him three times.

Who proved this week that he is very much in tune with popular culture?

-Oh.

-And the young people.

Was it me?

It was David Cameron, who gave an interview this week...

-He's given a lot.

-He gave this one to Heat magazine.

-Ah, the tough ones first.

-Yes.

David Cameron's in Heat.

-That's why that lamb looked so petrified.

-Indeed.

He began the interview by saying:

They don't make television programmes, do they, Heat?

-It's a magazine.

-Yeah, but they make everything.

There's not a magazine that doesn't have some online...

It's multiplatform.

-It's 360.

-They do the lot, 360.

-360 commissioning.

-360 digital.

Private Eye I think has just hired a town crier, haven't you?

APPLAUSE

And he does some very, very good acting in the video,

which is worth watching. Obviously, they're tough questions,

but he needs to show that they're tough, so...

JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC

APPLAUSE

He won't take on Miliband one to one in a debate,

but he'll be filmed for Heat, acting badly.

And be asked to act badly, presumably, and say yes.

I'm sure they didn't put it that way.

In your business, no-one says,

"Would you like to do this very badly?", do they?

Well, sometimes you don't get an option with me.

Where did Cameron visit in one day this week?

All of the UK.

He did Edinburgh, Belfast, Cardiff and Newquay, all in one day.

-What did Cameron do a lot of on this trip?

-Eat pies.

Yes, eating. Tonnes of it.

Was it all pies?

-Er, I think there was some fish and chips...

-Yes.

..a pie, a pasty, a steak bake...

He had a lamb biryani shortly after he had fattened it up

with some milk.

What is Ed Miliband going to put a stop to?

ALL: Non doms.

Non doms, yes. Can you explain what non doms are, please?

For me and everyone.

Non-domiciled people who live...

-They live here but they claim they live somewhere else.

-Right.

Because they are greedy bastards.

Which newspaper is unsurprisingly a bit cross about the loss of...?

The Daily Mail.

-Yes.

-Its owner is one.

-Its owner IS one.

-Yes.

Ed Miliband has got to be careful,

he is not going to get much good coverage in the Daily Mail.

If he keeps poking sticks at them like this.

It's amazing when people say,

"The press didn't react to this announcement very well."

Well, that is a big surprise!

The Daily Mail owned by a non dom.

Telegraph owned by people who are not even resident.

They say they live in Monaco

and then pretend to live in the Channel Islands. Murdoch?

Oh, he left this country to become an American citizen.

And his tax arrangement is quite interesting.

I'm not saying sorry for that.

APPLAUSE

JINGLE PLAYS

Time for our final, I promise, election bonus buzzer round.

-Election bonus buzzer round.

-The category is battlebuses.

Fun, this, isn't it? What has the Lib Dem battlebus

got that the others haven't?

BUZZER

No wheels.

It has got a satellite transmitter which allows Nick Clegg to

conduct radio interviews on the move

and it also has a lighting system with...

-What is unusual about the Greens' battlebus?

-It's a cabbage.

It's not. It runs on...

-chip fat.

-Oh, yes.

-Chip fat?

-Yes.

-But that's bad for you.

-Not in an engine.

-Who would like to hear from ITV reporter Chris Ship?

I know I do.

-Yes,

-all right, then. It's pretty good.

-Just to keep you happy.

Thank you.

The Lib Dems today also claimed that the Tories said to them...

In fact, the Lib Dems also said today that... The Lib Dems' man

in the Treasury, Danny Alexander,

said that the Tories claimed that they...

I should probably start this all again.

That's just great, there's no question off the back of that,

it's just good.

This, yes, is the post-Easter surge of electoral activity.

Ed Miliband has vowed to end nom dom tax status.

According to the Guardian...

Of course, that's not always true,

I use Luxembourg.

In other news, Ed Miliband has been accused of planning to do

a deal with the SNP that involves scrapping Trident.

Confidence in the UK's nuclear deterrent has sunk to

an all-time low.

Luckily it is on a submarine so it doesn't really matter.

And so to Round Two, the Picture Square Quiz.

Buzz when you know what it is.

Oh, that's good.

BUZZER

-It's a policeman.

-Yes. Would you like to expand on that?

Anything more you know about that policeman?

He is arresting a goldfish.

This is the news that a new police constable is being

sought for the Isles of Scilly.

What have been some of the more high-profile

cases of crime on the island, if you'd like to guess?

Occasionally, a sheep does a little bit of ID fraud.

Other than that, it is fairly easy going.

-Someone tried to break into a shed.

-Yes, they did.

-And the only evidence they found was a fried egg.

-Yes, absolutely right.

A policeman said, it was weird

because there was no bread around it.

There is the fried egg and there is the investigation.

One recent call on the island included...

In another...

This is an advert for a vacancy for a policeman on the Isles of Scilly.

In fact, this advert for policing in the Scilly Isles feels

so unreal and twee that Martin Clunes has already started

filming there for his new Sunday night ITV drama,

Scilly Sausage, in which he plays DCI John Sausage.

12 million viewers.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. It's one between you this week.

Fingers on buzzers, your four are...

Grant Shapps and Mick Jones out of The Clash.

Benedict Cumberbatch and Richard III.

The Queen and Johnny Depp.

And Neil and John from Braintree.

BUZZER

This is...

Yes, OK, Benedict Cumberbatch and Richard III are related.

Johnny Depp and the Queen, I'm sure they are related.

You can see it in their eyes, can't you?

The two people at the bottom right,

who look like each other, they have different names.

Must be twins, separated at birth.

They found out they were married to the same woman.

Grant Shapps and Mick Jones could be...

He went under a fake name, didn't he, Grant Shapps?

-He used to be Michael Green.

-Yes.

-So he may not be his cousin at all.

-They are all related.

-That's the odd one out, is it?

-The two who look like they are, aren't.

-Ah!

That's absolutely correct.

APPLAUSE

John and Neil from Braintree are the only pair who aren't related.

-Oh, are they not?

-No.

Their appearance aside, they have many other remarkable coincidences.

According to the Mail, despite having only met for the first

time 18 months ago, it turns out that John and Neil both...

..before both becoming RE teachers. And they now...

Asked if she could tell them apart, Neil's wife Marion said...

..again.

So, why is that interesting?

Don't start pulling at that thread!

Why was Grant Shapps' alter ego Michael Green back in the news recently?

He denied that he was using this alias in his marketing company

while he was an MP.

He said that was an appalling suggestion and he said,

"I am going to sue one of my constituents.

"You say that again and I will sue."

And then the Guardian turned up some film of him using that name

after he had become an MP.

Grant Shapps said in an interview that he wanted to make it

absolutely clear he was not working under the name Michael Green

whilst he was an MP, stating...

When the Guardian found out he had lied, he said he had...

..the claims.

Tory Party chairman - liar. Small story.

Let's get back to the blokes with beards who don't know each other.

Benedict Cumberbatch and Richard III.

Benedict Cumberbatch and recently reburied Richard

are third cousins 16 times removed.

Leicester really cashed in on the event, with lots of Richard III

ties, mugs, badges, T-shirts, fridge magnets, tote bags,

glasses and even ice cream on sale,

but what was the weirdest thing you could pick up for £25 that day?

The Princes in the Tower?

A Richard III pen where you turn it upside down

and all his clothes come off.

A Richard III-inspired bowl haircut...

..because that's a great bit of business. That's clever.

Can any of you tell me what relation Johnny Depp is to the Queen?

Er, he's her father.

-Well, they're cousins, aren't they?

-20th cousins.

Sticking with the Queen,

here is a photo that emerged of Ukip canvassers in Bromley last week.

Why is the one who looks like a queen

having a little woman live in her hair?

-You don't expect her to do her own hair, do you?

-No, course you don't.

So, yes, they are all related,

apart from Neil and John, who aren't.

And according to the Daily Mail:

Yes, Miriam, he's played him in a film.

King Richard III died at the Battle of Bosworth

and is actually famous for having the shortest bucket list in history.

A horse!

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Alpaca World.

It looks quite clunky, but it's actually thinner than you think.

And we start with:

ARMANDO: Tinder.

Mice are getting off with women?!

Why can't they stick to female mice?! What's the matter with them,

crossing species?

Do they use false identity?

"My name's Sebastian. I have a car."

"No, I'm not a mouse. I just look like one."

Well, you're taking the Mickey!

-Hey...

-GROANS FROM AUDIENCE

APPLAUSE

-DIANE: I know what it is.

-What is it?

-Singing.

-Yes!

-Singing?

-Yeah.

Male mice sing to lady mice.

Yeah, they sing, apparently, love songs,

the cheesier the better. He-hey...

Next:

Oh! Er, it could be mould. Mould on the wall of old buildings.

There's some sort of old mould grows in the buildings with

hallucinogenic qualities, so you're breathing in

this mould and suddenly you see Oliver Cromwell eating a biscuit.

I mean, I'm telling you this,

and you've done very well out of it, but, erm...

it could be that you've been fabricated a fairy story there.

-So it's mould.

-It is, absolutely, yes.

This is from a study from a place called Clarkson University...

..which, sadly, has just lost control of its faculties.

Next:

DIANE: Press your red button now.

Yes. Closer to home, there are a number of alpaca farms in Wales.

You have to be careful,

they can be quite bad-tempered and spray you with spit.

But that doesn't stop them from keeping alpacas.

There's another million audience gone.

And finally. What...

ARMANDO: Songs Of Praise.

It was:

-Oh!

-PAUL LAUGHS

..is apparently just the same, evidently, yes.

This is according to a new study.

Speaking of the link between television and highs,

here is the BBC's Quentin Somerville trying to finish his report

next to a burning pile of drugs in the Middle East.

Burning behind me is eight and a half tonnes of heroin, opium,

hashish and other narcotics.

Heeee!

APPLAUSE

Burning behind me...

HE GIGGLES

Quick! Quick, quick, quick! We just need one more.

And so, the final scores are - Ian and Diane have 8,

and Paul and Armando have 7.

-Oh! Shame.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is a win.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

DIANE: "Osborne pleased with Madame Tussaud waxwork."

"It's a Hooray Henry Hoover."

ARMANDO: "And this will replace Trident."

"Grumpy man at back wonders why he's not included in the photograph."

Next:

Is it the bear saying, "They've really extended the Northern Line!"?

"The Arctic Circle Line!"

CONTESTANTS CHEER

APPLAUSE

Don't you patronise me!

And I leave you with news that David Cameron discovers

that his campaign itinerary involves an overnight stay in Stoke.

At a farm in Wiltshire, a long-awaited family reunion

ends in disappointment for one relative.

And on a short pre-election holiday in the Seychelles, William Hague

looks like he's overdone it with the sunbathing.

Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE