Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains very strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Robert Peston.

In the news this week -

after only 55 of 56 Scottish Nationalist MPs

arrive at Westminster, there's evidence that the other one

may have overdone the victory celebrations.

You all right?!

Following the birth of the royal baby,

Buckingham Palace begins a thorough deep clean

prior to the baby's first visit.

And in Eastbourne, there's a special birthday celebration

for Britain's oldest dental nurse.

Blow it out.

On Ian's team's tonight is an actor and writer

who recently starred in the Channel 4 show Catastrophe

which was a comedy about relationships

and not a documentary about the Labour Party's campaign strategy.

Please welcome Rob Delaney.

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says her biggest fear

is not being in the right place at the right time.

Tell me about it.

I thought I was doing Newsnight.

Please welcome Roisin Conaty.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Roisin, could you take a look at this, please?

OK, feeling of optimism still pervading.

These are people who are upset, of course, because of the Labour loss.

There's somebody who's about to say...

Oh, hello! And Burnham's new secretary.

-Here's another guy standing.

-Chuka.

-Yes.

And Yvette Cooper being outwitted by a baby.

Who was one of the first to knife Ed Miliband in the front?

His brother.

-David.

-I mean, he waited 36 hours which was...

But that's because of the time difference

between here and America.

I don't think Labour necessarily lost

cos they were left, I think it's because they are all over the place.

It was an awful campaign.

Not any more!

-No.

-They're mostly in London.

I think Labour are like those restaurants

that have really thick menus. You know, and they serve like

Italian food, breakfast, Chinese.

You think, "I do not trust these guys."

They're just all over the place.

It's sort of responsive and that's the problem.

I think people, they should choose some Labour campaign,

Labour ideals and just sort of make them appetising again.

Sell them!

-How about her for leader?

-CHEERING

APPLAUSE I'd be terrible. I'd be terrible.

I mean, if you think Ed was bad at eating a bacon sandwich,

I'm practically feral.

That's your campaign poster - "Practically Feral."

So, where's Ed gone?

Has he tied that stone with all the pledges round his neck

and jumped off a ferry?

Ibiza.

Inz-inz-inz-inz!

The good thing about Ibiza is that there's this one place

where all the partygoers go. There's one tiny town.

-So Ibiza's a beautiful island.

-Right.

And you can avoid them because they're just there.

Has it got some agreeable ruins and a church where one can wander round?

Yes.

It would remind you very much of the Private Eye offices.

I really must give it a go!

And it's got that mountain...

Inz-inz-inz!

-Oh, do that again!

-Do that again!

Of course, there's a rumour that Ed has actually taken a job

in the riot police.

Was he attracted by the letters MP on his head?

Now, did you see some of the ingenious attempts

to spoil the ballot paper last week?

-No.

-Right!

One voter in Montgomeryshire tried to make a protest against

standing Tory MP Glyn Davies, who said...

Now, what about Chuka Umunna?

-Yep.

-Did you see how he threw his hat into the ring?

He went to Swindon and...

Am I right?

-Yeah. Totally right.

-He did a Facebook... He did a recording

on a phone, it seemed, and did a Facebook announcement.

And he seemed really pleased with himself.

Like, "Yeah, I've left London. I've come to Swindon to announce."

He sort of had the air of, you know, the candidate

on The Apprentice that goes out in the third week.

You're absolutely right. He announced his leadership bid

in what looked like a sort of teenage, home-made video

on the internet.

So I'm pleased today to be announcing that I will be

standing for the leadership of the party.

I think we can and we should be winning in seats,

like in Swindon.

North, south, east, west,

we can absolutely do it as a party.

So, Chuka's audio a bit rumbly, I thought.

There's a technical term for his problem...

amateurism.

What he needed was a Micromuff.

-Here it is.

-Yes.

Always does it for me, the Micromuff.

You just pop one on the end of your microphone.

LAUGHTER

I don't think they're called that.

They're not called Micromuffs.

I work in the industry, mate, they're called Micromuffs.

Yeah, well, so do I, funnily enough!

That's what they're telling you what it's called.

I mean, look at the way they've had to mock-up the packaging,

for God's sake.

What's gone wrong? What did I do wrong?

No, nothing.

No, they're admitting it. It's made up.

What, today?

-Yeah.

-Um, well, extraordinarily, over the last five minutes,

Chuka has actually withdrawn his candidacy

for the Labour leadership!

This has got to be the most powerful programme on television!

We haven't even gone out!

At the moment, we're appearing in front of 300 people.

That's enough to make a man withdraw his candidacy!

"Bad news, they've just shown your video on Have I Got News For You."

"I resign! I'm away! I'm off!"

Do we have any information why he resigned?

Yeah, Peston called him amateur. He's gone!

I hope the Tories are watching. Leave the BBC on!

Here's Chuka's statement -

"I know this will come as a surprise to many,

"but I'd always wondered whether it was all too soon for me

"to launch this leadership bid.

"I fear it was."

I need to text him cos he's got a typo in his

resignation statement. Anyway...

You're even attacking his resignation statement!

"That's not the way I would have resigned!"

Yep, this is Labour and the Lib Dems looking for new leaders.

According to The Times, David Miliband broke his silence

over the row with his brother Ed by criticising his campaign,

but added...

Clearly the words of a man who's looked into the

legal possibility of stopping being someone's brother.

Commenting on his brother, David Miliband told the press...

Adding,

"But I'd been drinking and the back-stabbing little shit

"deserved it!"

Chuka Umunna fuelled speculation that he would run

for the Labour leadership...

Although, her day was somewhat spoiled by all the photographers

shouting, "Chuka! Chuka!"

Ian and Rob, take a look at this.

Right, that's Ukip's non-MP. He's resigned.

-No, he hasn't.

-No, he hasn't, he's back.

He's having a think about it or a drink about it anyway.

That's someone who says he probably should have resigned.

Campaign director.

There he is saying, "I haven't."

So is someone going to come and tell us that he has resigned, or...?

Is he back? Or is he gone?

I'm glad he's back. What's his real desire, though?

Does he really want to quit and somebody said,

"No!" Or does he not want to and people are...

I don't know. I'm glad. I think he's fantastic for news.

-You mean, you think he's great for comedy?

-Yeah, exactly.

So, Ukip's rather fallen apart.

You can't say anything cos you're BBC and you're balanced.

But it is pretty funny.

Their one MP and the campaign director

seem to have split off into a faction which is quite good

for a party that's got one MP.

They've got a furious internal schism!

He cuts himself in half...

Didn't his campaign manager say he changed from

an ebullient, cheerful man into a thin-skinned aggressive?

That's just alcohol.

Anyone who knows a heavy drinker knows that's how it goes.

It's all fun at the beginning of the evening

then it's all, "Send them all back," at the end of the night.

But that's not his fault, apparently. That was an aide.

You know what it's like. Somebody says to you,

"Why don't you be thin-skinned, snarling and aggressive?"

And you go, "Yeah, all right."

Lefty BBC audience! Typical!

Does Nigel Farage command the full support

of all his MP?

Well, Douglas Carswell used to be a Tory and then he defected.

-Yes.

-And all through the campaign it was quite entertaining

to watch him because Farage would say something on television

and then someone would say to Carswell, "Do you agree with that?"

Carswell would go, "Well, no. Obviously, quite embarrassing."

And you thought, "You're in the wrong party."

And now, he is the party.

And what did Carswell say about the £650,000 a year

of short money that they'd got?

As a result of getting four million votes.

"I don't need it", he said.

No, cos he's only got one seat and one office.

So spending 600 grand on, I don't know, furnishings and coffee.

They wanted to give him ten staff.

He could buy more cushions so when he sits in the House Of Commons,

he's slightly taller than everybody else.

"That's 600 grand, there."

That would be amazing. Just really high.

Individually, bit by bit, by the end of the year,

he could be 50 feet up.

But you never see him get any higher.

What did David Cameron say at the first meeting of the Cabinet?

"I can't fucking believe it!

"What's going on?

"I mean...

"I mean, you know, I mean..."

He allowed himself a moment of relaxation.

But he also said he wanted the Conservatives to be...

Which organisation may be in for a tough time?

-It's the BBC.

-Absolutely right.

The new Culture Secretary is on record as saying

the BBC had better watch it.

And lots of Tories are saying, "Typical BBC,

"the election coverage was biased."

You know, they won!

They won quite well.

So it was obviously not very effectively biased, then.

In fact, it was a bit useless.

Of course, with negotiations for its charter renewal

beginning later this year, the BBC needs to watch its step.

On hearing who the new Culture Secretary was,

the BBC immediately issued a statement saying...

"We're very much looking forward to working with John Whittingdale."

JINGLE

And that light-hearted sting means it's time

to test your knowledge on some of the other new appointments

in our quickfire quiz...

Come on.

So, fingers on buzzers. We start with,

who am I and what do I do?

BUZZER RINGS

Jo Johnson. He was in the Policy Unit.

He's now minister for something, I don't know.

It is indeed Boris's brother, Jo Johnson,

who has been appointed Universities and Science Minister.

Since I'm American and not smart, I don't know who that is.

But I looked at him and this is what I thought.

It looks like somebody who went up to Boris Johnson, like a wizard,

and went, "Be more handsome."

Next, who am I and who's my dad?

BUZZER RINGS

Is this the Dinenage dynasty?

Might well be.

And Fred was her dad.

-Caroline.

-Caroline.

-Well done, yep, absolutely right.

She's the minister for equality and women.

And what do we know about her background?

She voted against gay marriage. You'd think that would be...

How do the people get these jobs?

"Do you believe in equality?"

"No." "Start on Monday."

APPLAUSE

And rounding off our reshuffle round-up,

according to The Times...

And Liz Truss has remained in the Cabinet

having impressed David Cameron with her tub-thumping speeches.

In December, I'll be in Beijing

opening up new pork markets.

LAUGHTER

We all do that, but we don't boast about it.

And finally, just for fun, let's enjoy this picture

of the new business secretary Sajid Javid's campaign poster.

So this is the first week of the new government.

The new Communities Secretary is Greg Clark,

who was born in Middlesbrough and is...

As are most children in Middlesbrough.

You might have to go somewhere different for your holidays now.

It's also been reported that after the election,

Britain now has the gayest parliament in the world,

with 32 openly gay MPs.

Although some of them may have just said that to put off Sally Bercow.

APPLAUSE

Going back to Patrick O'Flynn,

he also said that Ukip was in danger of becoming a personality cult.

Here's the BBC's Norman Smith reporting on the story.

That there was a danger, he said in this article in the Times,

of the party turning into, quotes,

"an absolutist monarchy

"or personality cunt."

Cu...

Personality cult.

Poor bloke.

When Nigel Farage complains about bias at the BBC...

-He's got a point!

-He's got a point on that particular occasion.

You're having a nice time there.

I'd get your address book out, there's quite a few names...

-I am looking for a new career.

-Yeah.

I'm not sure you've found it.

LAUGHTER

I wasn't claiming this was it!

And so to round two, and it's a welcome return

for the Have I Got News For You Wheel of News.

Here's the first spin.

DRUMROLL

Fantastic. BUZZER

I can just about make that out, I think it's a Picasso,

and a Picasso painting was sold for a world-record sum this week,

so that's what it must be. I don't know what it's called.

-Women Of Algiers.

-The Women Of Algiers.

They look like they're having a nice time.

-It looks like boobs, feet and a witch's hat.

-Yeah.

Drunken geometry night at the pub.

It's their husbands I feel sorry for.

Look at the state of her, the one in the middle.

If she came home like that, I'd lock her out.

"You can stay there till morning, young lady," I'd say.

£115 million, wasn't it?

-£115 million?

-You're one out.

£116 million.

I bid 115, that's why...

ROB: I should mention,

in America, Fox News reported the sale of this painting

and they blurred out the breasts of the Cubist women in the painting.

ROISIN: They just fogged them out, didn't they? It was really weird...

-They didn't really do that, did they?

-Yeah!

ROB: They really did, yeah. If you squinted, you could still...

APPLAUSE

Is that his pixelated period?

This is the news that The Women Of Algiers

has been sold at auction for a world record £116 million.

The painting set a new record

for the Blue team on Bargain Hunt.

Michael Glover, in the Independent, said that the work was...

To be fair, Michael Glover is an expert on Cubist art,

which explains why he doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

-On to the next spin.

-DRUMROLL

BUZZER

The Guardian had spent about ten years

trying to publish the letters that Prince Charles regularly writes

to government, and they succeeded this week,

and we've been reading the letters he's been writing.

£400,000 was spent, and they're really boring.

Uh, really boring letters.

There's not one drunken poem.

Not one dick pic.

Forget I said that, sorry!

ROB: It was more of a watercolour. It was done in pen and ink.

ROISIN: My mum will watch this show, get rid of that.

Perhaps you shouldn't have said "dick pic" then!

Do you put dick pics on all your letters?

I don't have a dick!

If he's going to write letters to people,

we should be able to read them.

It's got to be transparent.

We're not allowed to read what most of the large lobbying companies

write to these ministers, we're barely allowed to know

when they have meetings with them.

So I'm all for a bit of transparency,

but I don't think he's the big lobbying problem.

One of the things he's concerned about is...

Here's a picture of it.

Does anybody know why he's so worried

-about the Patagonian Toothfish?

-Well, it's dead!

That'd be his major concern, I would think.

Yeah, look at the state of him.

I have no doubt he's definitely phoned a talk radio at some point.

-No doubt.

-What, at one o'clock?

"Oh, no, it's not Charles, call one Steve."

"Next on line four, we've got Charlie from Windsor.

"Charlie, what's your beef with Beef Up With Bucknall?

"What do you want to say?" "The pelicans..."

HE MUMBLES

"Sorry, mate, you'll have to speak louder than that.

"Line four, Liz and Philip, you can't get to sleep at night, what's the matter?"

How happy is Charles to have the letters aired in public?

Apparently he's written a letter!

He hasn't actually commented himself yet, but his assistant did have

a little run-in with Michael Crick on Channel 4 News on Wednesday.

Shall we take a look?

Good morning, sir, are you worried about these letters?

Are you still writing to ministers, letters like that?

Have you not been behaving unconstitutionally?

ROB: Took care of that Micromuff!

This is the news that after ten years,

Prince Charles's memos have finally been released.

Prince Charles is known by the nickname "Black Spider",

which refers not only to his scrawled handwriting,

but also to the fact that the first time Camilla saw him in the bath,

she ran out screaming.

Here's the last spin.

DRUMROLL

Anybody know?

BUZZER I know this.

-It's Bring Back Plates campaign.

-Oh, yes.

Because of restaurants serving food on shovels, in shoes...

I'm going to the wrong restaurants!

You don't get it at Pizza Hut, Ian.

"Am I allowed to go up for another helping of salad?"

It's restaurants being really pretentious

and serving their food like that.

A lot of food is given to you in a bucket, though, isn't it?

That's Kentucky Fried Chicken you're thinking of!

What do you get yours served in, a pail?

You're absolutely right, it's the revolt against trendy restaurants

serving food on unusual items.

Now, why WOULD you serve a fried breakfast on a shovel?

ROB: You're an asshole.

What other unusual objects has food been served up on?

There's a tennis-themed restaurant

where they serve the food at you at 102mph.

Let's have a look at some other examples.

One restaurant offers potato wedges on a ping pong bat.

Service not included.

And bread in a flat cap.

Perfect for Paddy Ashdown!

I'd go with that one, I'd buy that one.

How does one restaurant in America like to serve you spaghetti?

At gunpoint?

One woman told the campaign...

This is the revolt against trendy restaurants

serving food on unusual items.

One of the dishes available is sausages and mash in a wine glass.

Oh, for God's sake!

Though you sometimes have to send it back

because it's PORKED.

GROANING

ROB: Oh, my!

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication Stonechat,

the newsletter of the Dry Stone Walling Association.

And we start with...

Is it from this magazine?

Well, it's not from the Financial Times, surely.

The thought of Greek exit from the euro?

I think it is.

Very much mistaken.

It's, the thought of...

Yup, mainly the fear that it might not fall on him.

Next.

Is it "kill them"?

The answer is...

Oh, yeah, they'll be cheaper.

Next...

Running Battersea Robo-dogs Home.

There was a power cut and we lost so many.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's horrible!

-Next...

ROB: If I could only have one child, it would be my son Philip,

because he's the favourite of my three.

-ROISIN: Rob Delaney!

-Bloody hell.

That has the ring of authenticity about it, I have to say.

ROB: If I could only have one wall, it would be very dry.

Of course! Next...

Is it tax avoidance?

Lawyers, remove.

To be fair, Sean Connery must be good at projecting his voice

if Scottish Nationalists can hear him all the way from the Bahamas.

It will be a good first meeting, won't it, Sturgeon and Cameron?

That's due to take place.

He comes in, she says, "I've been expecting you, Mr Cameron."

Very good. Very good.

APPLAUSE

Next...

ROISIN: Heavy breathers.

Well, you're going to be shocked by this.

Well, stonewallers never really stick together.

Isn't it dry stone walls? So they don't stick together,

they're literally just placed on top of each other.

I think that was the point of the joke, wasn't it?

No, I think it was just a failure.

Way to really make me feel good about this programme.

No, no, it was terrific.

No, I don't think we should put Robert in a place

where he thinks he's been terrific.

It's all right, I've got my therapist afterwards.

Oh, he's resigned, by the way.

APPLAUSE

And, lastly...

-It was a dart thing. Bit off a dart.

-Like a feather or something?

Absolutely brilliant.

The answer is...

ROB SNEEZES

APPLAUSE

Yup, he sneezed out his toy dart after 44 years.

Great news for Steve Easton.

Now all he needs is a strong bout of flatulence

and he can get his Action Man back.

GROANING

So, the final scores are,

Ian and Rob have 3,

and Paul and Roisin have 7.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

You got them all right!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Rob Delaney, Paul Merton and Roisin Conaty.

And I leave you with news that,

despite an unexpected election victory,

David Cameron's leadership comes under threat as he visits

the Yorkshire Dales.

It's clear to senior Lib Dems that only Tim Farron

can give the party the inspirational vision it needs.

And in Westminster, there's an awkward moment for the bloke

who wrote, "Sod off, ham-face" on his boss's leaving card.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE