Have I Got 2015 News For You Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

-Good evening and...

-Welcome...

-To...

-Have I...

-Got...

-News...

-For You.

-I'm Daniel Radcliffe.

-I'm Kathy Burke.

-I'm Gary Lineker.

-I'm Michael Sheen.

I'm Victoria Coren-Mitchell. In the news this week...

After an all-night campaign meeting in The Dog And Duck,

Nigel Farage wakes up and tells his PA to cancel all of his meetings.

In the Bake-Off final, one of the competitors wrecks her chances

with her attempt to render Mary Berry's face in chocolate meringue.

In Brighton, Labour's Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell are relieved

to get out of the conference centre without making any more blunders.

And in Folkestone, there's news that the Tories are testing out

a scheme to stop illegal immigration.

-Help me bring it in.

-RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

-Trying to get out the country.

-Ed Miliband looking chilled out.

And it's the winner.

It was quite exciting, because everyone said it was unpredictable,

meaning they'd got it wrong.

So we had this exit poll, and then everyone spent

the rest of the evening going, "Well, if this poll is right...

"Oh, God, it is right."

However, Ed Balls was remaining optimistic.

There's been a story going the rounds on Twitter

and all the rest of it that you've been defeated.

David, the ballot boxes haven't even arrived in the count.

And they've got to be counted, and then we'll get the result, so...

I think maybe you should spend less time on Twitter

and more time reporting the results when they're actually declared.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Shall we see how it panned out for him?

Ed Balls lost his seat to the Conservatives.

Is David Dimbleby going to call him back and say,

"Have they been counted now, Ed? Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

The notes Ed Miliband left in his room during the leadership debate.

Do you want to expand on what they said?

Do not leave these notes in my dressing room.

-Any other notes that you remember him leaving himself?

-Look at the camera.

And above all else, keep referring everything to you at home

and the decision you, the people, are going to have to make,

in four weeks' time.

According to the Daily Mail, the debate saw SNP leader

Nicola Sturgeon transform herself into a...

That's one of my favourite spells.

David Cameron gave an interview to Heat magazine.

-Ah, the tough ones first!

-Yes.

David Cameron's in heat.

He does some very, very good acting in the video

which is worth watching, because obviously, they're tough questions

but he needs to show that they're tough. So...

SPY THRILLER-TYPE MUSIC

-Which football team does David Cameron support?

-Aston Villa.

He doesn't really know, does he?

He claimed to be an Aston Villa supporter,

but then he said this in the speech.

Where you can support Man United, the Windies

and Team GB all at the same time.

Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham. Uh...

ALEXANDER GIGGLES

Most football fans forget who they're supporting,

in moments of stress.

Liverpool fans are often claiming to be fans of Manchester United

when they're very tired.

He gave another explanation as well to Lorraine.

He told her he'd said West Ham by mistake because...

Which of us hasn't done that?

Let's play a game of...

OK, who's this?

-That's...

-Clegg.

-No, it's Osborne.

Clegg's in the body bag, to be honest.

What are they on about, diddly dee, diddly dee!

BELL Ian and Alun?

-That's got to be Farage.

-Is that a Ukip thing?

They're going to be in Dover.

No, that is a Conservative promise about research centres for robotics.

-I stand corrected.

-Yeah.

Let's just meet a Ukip voter from Essex.

My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear, vote Ukip.

-Who said this? All are recent quotes.

-OK.

Fingers on buzzers. Who said this?

"The mansion tax would fuck me over."

-BELL

-Duke of Edinburgh.

It was Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.

Why does her shadow belong to somebody else?

It's clearly the shadow of a thickset man in his 50s.

This is the results of election night.

One SNP gain from Labour saw Britain's youngest MP

for over 300 years win the seat of Paisley and Renfrewshire.

Or, as the BBC called it...

Volkswagen, the people's car.

They've been cheating emissions with a special bit of software.

When the car knows it's under testing conditions,

it doesn't give the right information.

And Volkswagen, nobody knew about this at the top, just one bloke,

with a screwdriver, just did it without anybody else knowing.

He feels ashamed that he's managed to do this in over 50 million cars.

I don't think that Volkswagen's case was particularly helped

by the fact that the deputy CEO was called Olaf Lies...

-He was.

-..or something.

-He is.

-He was the only one telling the truth.

-Yeah!

We all lie about our emissions though, don't we?

I think it's one of those questions you need to know about cars

to deal with, we need an expert.

Jeremy, have you got Chris Evans' phone number?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhh!

Go on, Jeremy, punch him!

You can have a go, if you want!

Hello, he's rolling up his sleeves, he's rolling up his sleeves!

The pie's here, the pie's here! Chips, give us chips, quick!

Sprouts, sprouts, eat it, eat it, eat it!

Good, cleared up.

This is the Volkswagen fiasco, not the name of their latest hatchback,

but the ongoing scandal over diesel emissions.

As prosecutors launched a criminal investigation

into the emission scandal,

it's believed that one of the scientists involved there

has killed himself in his garage.

He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.

That's the vote. Blatter, he's won.

# We've got the money... #

There he is, he's about to trip over a huge bung!

Fell off his wallet.

-I had no idea Fifa had anything to do with football.

-It doesn't.

I thought it was just a vast money-laundering operation.

What happened at the end of Sepp's press conference?

Did he just hand out brown envelopes and say, "You know what I mean"?

-Did you hear his defence?

-No.

-Which was along the lines of...

You know, the Rebekah Brooks excuse.

It's a triumph for the American justice system.

I notice we did nothing at all.

They don't muck about, the Americans.

If someone's found guilty of corporate fraud,

you know, they get jailed.

Whereas over here, they instantly get Alzheimer's.

Do we know where the arrests were made?

It was in the Hotel Splendee-di-do Backhand-o.

You can't have a World Cup story without Pele. He said...

Cheers for that, mate.

Meanwhile, this weekend, the women's World Cup kicks off in Canada.

Despite question marks over the bidding process,

with countries around the world accused of paying millions of dollars

in bribes to make Canada have to do it.

Oh, George Osborne... running away from reality.

-From headstone to headstone.

-So, where's Ed gone?

Has he tied that stone with all the pledges round his neck

-and jumped off a ferry?

-Ibiza?

SHE BEATBOXES DANCE MUSIC

The good thing about Ibiza is that there is just one place where

all the partygoers go. There's just one tiny town.

-So, Ibiza's a beautiful island.

-Right.

And you can avoid them because they're just there.

Has it got some agreeable ruins and a church one can wander around?

-Yes!

-LAUGHTER

It would remind you very much of the Private Eye offices.

-I really must give it a go!

-It's got that mountain...

HE BEATBOXES

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, do that again!

-Do that again!

-What about Chuka Umunna?

-Yeah.

-Did you see HOW he threw his hat into the ring?

-He went to Swindon.

He sort of had the air of, you know,

a candidate on The Apprentice that goes out in the third week.

-Erm...

-LAUGHTER

You're right. He announced his leadership bid in what

looked like a sort of teenage home-made video on the internet.

So, I'm pleased today to be announcing that

I will be standing for the leadership of the party.

Sorry?

-What's gone wrong? What did I do wrong?

-No, nothing.

-No, they're admitting it. It's made up.

-What, today?

Erm, well, extraordinarily, erm, over the last five minutes,

Chukka has actually withdrawn his candidacy for the Labour leadership!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This has got to be the most powerful programme on television!

We haven't even gone out!

Now, did you see some of the ingenious attempts to spoil

-the ballot paper last week?

-No.

One voter in Montgomeryshire tried to make a protest against standing

Tory MP, Glyn Davies, who said...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I wonder what this is. Jeremy Corbyn...

Happy front bench! And that was the last speech.

OK, so there was a meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party

on Monday night, which the Telegraph described as "heated".

-Why was that?

-It's getting cold...

and as October comes, it clouds over...

Do you ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?

Honestly, that Bake Off image has gone for good!

But that would only be the case

if you had nominated Jeremy Corbyn for the leadership contest.

-You didn't, did you?

-I did. And I think...

And look, I mean, you know, I think it's early days yet.

-It is early days.

-But you didn't vote for him, though, did you?

-No.

Claiming the party was open to new ideas,

Corbyn said he wanted to give people...

An odd line but it once worked a treat on Diane Abbot.

What startling revelations did The Sun uncover about Jeremy Corbyn this week?

What other stunning revelations?

Well, The Sun tracked down Jeremy Corbyn's wife's niece,

who lived with him until recently, who disclosed that he enjoys...

What a bastard!

Tax credits, the House of Lords throughout the Tax Credits Bill.

It's a triumph for the forces of non-democracy.

Who was particularly red in the face about it?

I'm trying to think who was red in the face...

apart from George Osborne,

-but he doesn't because he hasn't got any blood.

-Yeah.

-Has this damaged George, do you think?

-Yes.

-Fatally?

One can only hope.

According to The Times...

-He doesn't want to be SEEN to be doing it.

-He draws the blinds.

Several of the papers identified one clear super villain in all this.

-Who was that?

-Andrew Lloyd Webber.

-Yes!

Mega-rich musical gargoyle, Andrew Lloyd Webber...

Musical gargoyle!

He flew in from New York to vote for tax credit cuts.

It was his first vote in over two years

but he did deny he had flown back specifically for the vote.

Does anyone know why he says he was in town?

He was here for an opening of one of his productions somewhere.

A new musical called "Cuts".

Yes, he did say he was in town to watch the revival of Cats, the musical.

But surely he's seen that already. Erm...

Or maybe he's just got a bad # Me-e-e-mory! #

Ah, yes, this is the President of China, who has come to visit London.

Tell me about this Communism, how does it work?

Who's asking who?

President Xi, is it, I think?

Or Eleven, if you're talking about Roman numerals.

The whole exercise was just one long sucking up to the Chinese

and not mentioning anything that could embarrass anyone.

I think they're all right.

They already own Pizza Express and they haven't touched dough balls.

What's the other terrible thing about President Xi

-that the Mirror discovered?

-Were his trousers too long?

His trousers are touching the carpet.

Wei Too Long...

It's coming...

..is the name of his tailor.

All these new jobs that the Tory Party say that Chinese investment

is going to produce, I mean, we lost nearly that many this week!

-In the steel industry.

-The government haven't done anything.

I get the horrible feeling that David Cameron has watched The Full Monty.

And he doesn't understand that that's not a viable

option for everyone.

-MIMICS CAMERON:

-I watched an incredible documentary about the steel industry this week.

The meal was served to musical accompaniment from...

It was either them or the Duchess of Kent's Rhythm And Blues Explosion.

-That's France.

-Soldiers...

-That's their rapid reaction force.

-There's our rapid reaction force.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, this is Paris, and the tragedy there,

and our attempts afterwards to work out what to do.

It does strike me, it's one of the few things we're still allowed to do

is, sort of, make jokes and laugh,

so we might have a go at that.

Yes. What has been...? APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

What has been the British Government's immediate response?

-Who have they hired?

-Who have they hired?

They've hired 2,000 something.

-Spies.

-Oh, oh, SAS.

-Spies.

-Oh, spies. Should we know that?

-1,900 extra.

-Do you know what that will cost?

-About £2 billion, I think.

£2 billion for the SAS.

Another £2 billion for cyber security.

Where's this money suddenly come from?

From the magnificent management of the economy

that the government has done that means that we can afford

the essential requirements of the safety of the nation.

I knew there'd be some comedy tonight.

Wembley Stadium looked rather magnificent -

-the tricolores up there.

-Yep.

The tricolore has been put on various things. Apple did that.

-The...

-Oh, look, there's the bit where the tax should be.

One man leading the hunt for the terrorists is

Belgium's Interior Security Minister, Jan Jambon -

showing defiance to Islamic State, even with his surname.

Shortly, we'll see Stoke versus Swansea,

but first, to round two.

The strengthometer of news. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-There was an earthquake

in the tip of Kent there. It didn't affect anybody.

Somebody fell out of bed in Sevenoaks,

somebody banged their head in Tenterden,

and a cat in Dover looked the wrong way for a minute,

but other than that, nothing else happened.

-They're all right.

-It went like that.

-Yeah.

One person tweeted this photo.

That's very good.

This is why we can't do those

extreme weather programmes, isn't it?

You know, you see those programmes on Channel 5, you know,

-tornadoes tearing...

-Yeah.

..tearing houses apart in the Midwest.

-Stiff breeze in the Cotswolds.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On at 9pm, on 5.

Umbrella turned inside out!

After one British quake in 2013, a witness said...

How terrifying - imagine the effect on the property price.

BUZZER Ian.

-This is a tortoise.

-LAUGHTER

-This is his owner.

-Oh, yes.

She left the gate open and he ran away,

and she was distraught for ages, and then someone found the tortoise.

I'm still struggling to see how this has made the news.

-"Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing."

-That's the...

"God unavailable for comment."

-It's a really first-rate story.

-Yeah.

-I just wish I'd run it.

Yes, this is absolutely true.

It's Toby the tortoise from Dover,

who has been reunited with his owner, Wendy Stokes,

-after a year on the run.

-Yeah.

This is where the story gets really good.

He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro.

A pair of dark glasses and a fake passport, so...

How far did he get to?

Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate.

400 yards!

OK, that's just the beginning.

Some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate.

Toby's 109, so he was one of the younger residents in Margate.

According to the Daily Mail,

the tortoise was picked up by a driver on a nearby road

and driven 22 miles away,

leaving a scandalised hare to shout,

"Oi, that's cheating."

-BUZZER

-Emoji.

It is emoji.

In which I happen to be fluent.

Oh! Laughing face, laughing face, crying face, poo?

APPLAUSE

Shall we have a look at some popular emojis?

Yes. Popular emojis?

My own particular favourite - Ghost With Black Eye.

Cariad, you seem fluent.

I am fluent, definitely.

What is Ghost With Black Eye?

It's just like, "Woo. Woo!"

APPLAUSE

But there's no accentuation on it.

I can't tell whether it's woo, woo, or woo.

Well, when the emojis takeover, you're filling out your CV...

Are they a race now?

-Yes, they are.

-Oh, my God, the emojis are coming.

-Don't tell Ukip.

-When the future...

APPLAUSE

-BUZZER

-It's the Great British Bake Off,

and the lady in the middle is the winner.

It is the news that Nadiya Hussain has captured the nation's heart

by winning the Great British Bake Off. Did anyone see it?

No, I didn't, no. I'm not interested in it.

Oh!

W-w-why not?

I suppose it's the idea of people baking cakes

that I'd find quite boring.

Erm...

APPLAUSE

How has Nadiya's achievement been received?

Putin was ecstatic.

This is the winner of the Great British Bake Off -

Nadiya Hussain shrugged off racist abuse telling her

to go back to where she came from,

saying she's not going back to Luton for anyone.

BUZZER Yes, Ian and Grayson?

A 15-year-old from Northern Ireland

is meant to have hacked into TalkTalk's computer

and got all the people's personal details and put them on the web.

-Exactly.

-The Daily Mail said he had a single mum.

-Oh...

-Oh, well, he's definitely guilty, then.

On behalf of all single mums,

I'm just glad that our bastard children

are finally participating in white-collar crimes.

-Who says there's no aspiration in the world any more?

-No.

It's fun, like, you have to worry about your son,

and knock on his door. "What are you doing?

"You'd better be wanking in there, not bringing down a corporation."

The two activities aren't mutually exclusive.

TalkTalk boss Dido Harding said they will handle compensation

claims for their four million users on a case to case basis -

bad news for loyal customer Zachariah Zimmerman.

Time now for the Missing Words Round, and we start with...

Songs Of Praise.

It was...

Speaking of the link between television and highs,

here is the BBC's Quentin Sommerville,

trying to finish his report next to a burning pile of drugs

in the Middle East.

Burning behind me is eight and a half tonnes of heroin, opium,

hashish and other narcotics.

HE GIGGLES

Burning behind...

HE CACKLES

Mate, got this. Shh! Shh!

Quick! Quick, quick, quick!

We just need one more.

HE LAUGHS

Next...

-Was it Nanet?

-GROANING

-That's good.

-Thank you very much.

-RAMbrandt.

-Yeah.

-Hey-hey!

-Yes!

-Very good.

Is that right?

No, it's not right. Goat that can paint called...

This is a goat in Mexico

who's taken up painting and charges 40 per work.

Van Goat has many fans,

but sadly has had to leave Twitter because of all the trolls.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Next...

Is it excessive use of sunbed?

Thinking.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

It's meditating.

Next...

Adam created clothes cos he found nakedness embarrassing,

-but that's not exactly a news story, is it?

-No.

It didn't happen this week.

No, it is more topical than that.

-Oh...

-Here he is.

His other arm does appear to be the same length.

That's to stop him looking stupid.

And finally...

Was a popular euphemism.

For what?

Invading Crete.

-Creek?

-Crete.

-Oh...

-Oh, sorry, you were on a beaver theme.

I thought...

I thought you were calling sex "invading the creek", and I...

I loved that.

It's a more interesting answer than the rather obvious...

Planes?

Oh, no.

How can it be cheaper to drop them from planes rather than just

take them in a car with us? "There you are."

What happens if the box doesn't open when they hit the ground as well?

They're beavers!

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Chilcott finally delivers.

APPLAUSE Very good.

And I leave you with news that,

at the end of a long and pointless election campaign,

where he's tried so hard not to be odd and weird,

Ed Miliband finally gets to relax on the train journey home.

The owner of one of Britain's best-known stately homes

appals visitors with his lewd behaviour.

After pressure from the party,

Nigel Farage agrees to take a break over summer to get fit.

APPLAUSE

And following the arrest of several senior officials,

Fifa bring in a new face to help eradicate the culture of greed.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE