Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

In the news this week, evidence from the McLaren garage suggests

their poor season in Formula One may be down to a lack of focus.

Oi!

Awaiting trial and forced to spend time at home helping with

domestic chores, things go from bad to worse for Sepp Blatter.

And in Brighton, Labour's Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell

are relieved to get out of the conference centre

without making any more blunders.

On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who's been

covering the Rugby World Cup for the Sunday Times.

Her next piece will be out at the weekend, as will England.

Please welcome Camilla Long.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a presenter of two top rating daytime TV

shows, which is why he's such a passionate

opponent of Iain Duncan Smith's scheme to get people back to work.

Please welcome Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.

-Ah...

-Yes, I wonder what this is.

-Oh, there's Jeremy Corbyn. John McDonnell.

-Happy front bench.

CAMILLA LAUGHS

-Vegetarian sandwich.

-Yes. And that was the last speech.

Which didn't go down quite so well.

You ran the footage of him going up the stairs, but that's

a metaphor, really, for Corbyn fighting the right wing media.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo!

-Thank you very much indeed.

But anyway, this is the Labour conference, it didn't go as badly as everybody hoped. And...

..in the end, Corbyn was not very good.

You're absolutely right, of course, it is

the first conference for Corbyn as leader, and obviously it was

slightly derailed at the end by this nuclear business.

He was asked a straight question and he gave a genuine answer.

They asked a question, as they always do. "We'll ask him a question that is impossible to answer."

So, "Would you ever press the nuclear button?"

If you say no, then you have this reaction.

If you say yes, "Well, you've always said you wouldn't."

So he can't answer it. So what does he do? He actually told the truth.

And no-one has done that for a long time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whether he is right or wrong, I think that is quite refreshing.

CAMILLA: I think the problem was he then changed his mind afterwards,

which is not great if you've got your finger hovering above the nuclear button, to be fair.

I had a bit of sympathy

when he said he'd never press that button under any

circumstances, because I'm the same with the ITV2 button on my remote.

What is ITV2?

You will find out soon enough, Jeremy.

APPLAUSE

You have no idea.

Oh, you stuck in the 1930s...

I know I'm talking to a man who has just been paid £160 million

for his new series, so you can do whatever you want.

I am sitting here with an erection while you're having a go. Anyway.

Are you certain it is Amazon Prime and not Amazon Past Their Prime?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Why is it irrelevant whether Jeremy Corbyn pushes the button or not?

Because there's no such thing?

No, well, they're probably isn't, actually, that's probably...

The button is connected to an espresso machine.

It's because there is another way of getting submarine

commanders to launch nuclear missiles.

Yes, that's right, they tune into Radio 4.

-If it's not on, they fire the missile.

-There you go.

That's a thing that's been protecting us for 30 years.

Making sure that everybody on Radio 4 keeps talking all the time.

-The last voice you will hear will be Nicholas Parsons.

-It is.

If they can't tune in to Radio 4 for a given number of days,

the submarine commander goes, "Well,

"London must have been destroyed, let's flatten Moscow."

-Did anyone see his speech?

-Yeah.

I thought it was exactly what people wanted to hear.

It was a bit rambly, he borrowed a bit of it, he missed out some stuff.

The deficit, the fact that Labour lost the election.

I mean, there's stuff that will have to be addressed eventually,

um, if anyone is going to vote for him.

But Miliband did all those things and no-one voted for him either.

I'd rather hear a more fun speech from someone no-one's going

-to vote for.

-Oh, you're not saying his speech was more fun?

Yeah, it's more entertaining. Because there is a bit more personality to it,

because you think, "Blimey, look at him.

"What's he doing there?"

-It could, like, be anybody. Could be any of us. Not you.

-Uh, uh.

I don't know. Old bloke called Jeremy with extreme views.

APPLAUSE

His message was, "It's nice to be nice,

"and nice things are nicer than not a nice things."

-I mean, that is basically... I don't see anything wrong with that.

-There's nothing wrong with it.

-What do we think of his delivery?

-Are we back to Amazon?

-No.

-I know you've got to get the plug...

-Soon.

He read out a bit where someone had written, "Strong message here."

Let's show it to the ladies and gentlemen. There it is.

We need to be investing in skills, investing in our young people.

And, strong message here, not cutting student numbers.

It wasn't his most professional moment, I think.

No, and it does suggest that the strong message had been missed out.

-Do you know what he called you two?

-Sickening capitalist lickspittles.

Pretty much.

I like the "commentariat" part. Just a Soviet hint there.

Why would... Why would he say that about you, Camilla?

I said that I was a little bit in love with him,

only two months ago, so I don't know why he would say that.

Well, I'll tell you the other things you said about him, is he is a...

Correct.

-You should sugar-coat it, really, I think.

-I stand by it.

Who was notable by their absence at the Labour Party conference?

Putin.

-Ed Miliband wasn't there.

-None of the old guard.

-Blair didn't turn up, Mandelson.

-Atlee.

-No.

Do you know where they were, according to the Sun?

Drinking the blood of babies.

Kinnock was taking a break after ten years.

-Bastard.

-Yeah.

Blair was busy working in the States.

Brown was doing educational work in the States.

And Miliband was thinking about climate change.

Over at the Ukip conference, how was

Nigel Farage caught out this week?

He seemed to forget the microphone was on.

We've got... Upstairs on the fourth floor is the Lazarus Suite,

which is my sort of room, so away from all the press,

if you want to come up in about half an hour and say hello...

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There is a literally nothing I can think to say now he's...

The Lazarus Suite, where you come back from the dead.

-Wasn't that the lady who had the picture of him tattooed on her arm?

-You can see it, actually,

if you want. There's the tattoo of Nigel Farage.

She went in to a tattoo parlour and said, "What have you got?

"What designs?

"Can I have a skull? No, I think I'll have Nigel Farage."

And there it is.

RICHARD: She said, "I want a bell, but just the end of a bell.

APPLAUSE

Over at the Lib Dems, do you think they are likely to benefit

from defections from the Labour Party now that Corbyn is in the hot seat?

They certainly think they will,

they think people will move back to the centre. Join the Lib Dems.

And they put out a message saying, "Come aboard."

Let's see how they dealt with that question on The Wright Stuff

-recently.

-Do you anticipate many leaving to join the Lib Dems?

Well, I think, you know, you've also got this

issue of the Prime Minister putting his cock in a dead pig's mouth.

Do you know what, mate? One, it is an allegation.

Two, your choice of language in referring to that, I think,

far goes beyond what is permitted at this time of the day.

And at that point, really,

you've forfeited any right to speak on the show, so, bye-bye.

I'm glad we finally mentioned it, though.

It is hard to talk about, precisely

because you're not allowed to say those sort...

-It is a difficult story to talk about, isn't it?

-What, cock?

-Yeah, you can't really say it.

-You can't on Pointless, you can here.

OK. I was going to say he put his Clarkson in a pig's mouth.

Well, I don't know. This ritual...

I mean, what are the benefits of joining this club? What do you get?

10% off sports equipment? I mean, what is the...

What's the great club that you have to stick your cock in a dead

pig's mouth to become a member?

-Ian, you used to be a member, didn't you?

-Um...

-Oh, there's a hesitation.

No, I wasn't a member. It says I was a member on Wikipedia, which is...

That's what they all say.

Yeah, which is quite embarrassing, given I spent half the week

with tabloid journalists ringing me up saying, "Have you...

-"..put your..."

-Placed your chap?

"..Clarkson in a..."

"..receptacle?" Anyway, no,

I was not a member of the Piers Gaveston Society.

I was a member of the Piers Morgan...

I won't ask what the ritual was to get into that club.

-Do you know people who were, though? Is that the sort of thing they did?

-Yeah. No, no. I mean...

Yes, yes, no, no. Are they your favourite two words on the subject?

He asked me two questions.

He said, "Did you know people who were there?"

And then he asked another question, so I said, "Yes, I did know people,

"no, I didn't," which is sort of my answer.

I thought I was the one that was going to get a hard time tonight,

-and it turns out Ian is. Right, yes, this is...

-Is that it?

We're going to just leave it alone?

Lord Ashcroft getting this amazing story into the public

-domain via the Daily Mail.

-I don't think it is even a story.

It's a... It's a fantasy.

It is an act of amazing revenge by the Mail, in cohorts with

Lord Ashcroft, which the whole country has decided to believe.

Usually a story in the Daily Mail,

peddled by a non-dom Tory peer,

who gave 8 million quid to the Tory party and is in a strop because

he wasn't made Defence Secretary, would be laughed out of court.

Well, it is not in court yet, but I was hoping it might get in.

But no, we've all taken this seriously.

And there's the grinning Lord Ashcroft.

I mean, if you want to talk about members inserted into the House of Lords, um...

..there he is. I mean, it's a disgraceful story.

This man, Lord Ashcroft, who gave the Tories all this money,

thought he could get himself into the Cabinet,

thought he could buy himself a Cabinet post.

And everybody has gone along with this, saying, "Oh, great,

"Lord Ashcroft."

I mean, he's a non-dom.

If we're doing prick jokes, let's have a condom joke.

APPLAUSE

And if you want something disgusting the Prime Minister has done,

I mean, you know, there's loads of it. Bedroom tax being a good start.

There's plenty of these things, and everyone goes round saying,

"Oh, it's about a pig when he was 20."

Well, how about being really appalling when he was 50?

APPLAUSE

Yes. It's the new Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn.

Actually, at this early stage,

I've got nothing against the bearded, sandal wearing, teetotal, non-smoking,

hummus-loving, Hamas-loving, anthem-dodging, pinko lefty.

Claiming the party was open to new ideas,

Corbyn said he wanted to give people...

An odd line, but it once worked a treat on Diane Abbott.

GROANS

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

-Oh, yes, the 1930s are back in a big way.

-New, improved Top Gear.

Absolutely. There's Adolf Hitler, he's not happy about Volkswagen,

the people's car. They've been cheating their emissions,

a special bit of software that, when the car knows it's under

testing conditions, doesn't give the right information.

And Volkswagen... Nobody knew about this at the top,

just one bloke with a screwdriver just did it,

without anybody else knowing.

He feels ashamed about it, he's managed to do over 50 million cars.

Exactly right. I mean, that covers it all, I think, doesn't it, really?

I don't think that Volkswagen's case was particularly

helped by the fact that I think the deputy CEO was called Olaf Lies.

-He was.

-Or something.

-He was the only one telling the truth.

-Yeah.

We all lie about our emissions, though, don't we?

We blame the dog.

I think it is one of those questions you need to know about cars

to deal with, so we need an expert.

Jeremy, have you got Chris Evans's phone number?

APPLAUSE

I am not allowed, on the BBC, to use the C word.

-Corbyn?

-No, car.

Oh, you're not allowed to talk about cars at all?

-No, I can come and do this, I just can't talk about...

-Oh, right.

I'd be right in saying that motoring journalists knew this story

all along, didn't they, about the emissions test?

Don't think anybody knew that specifically there was a bit of software in it.

The story I do know, that one of the major companies was testing a car - well, driving a car -

past a man from the Government to test how loud it was,

cos they have to be within a certain amount of decibels,

and they knew it was going to fail, so, as they got close to him,

they put it into neutral, turned the engine off and coasted past.

"That's fine. It's not loud enough." He was given a "You can sell this."

You know when you said you weren't allowed to talk about cars?

-You're allowed to talk about...

-Yeah. What are they going to do? Fucking sack me?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Again.

-I just thought of that. They can't, can they?

-Of course.

-It's quite good fun.

There were some unusual emissions

from a red Citroen Picasso this week.

Now, who was responsible for that?

-Who would have a Citroen Picasso?

-A red Citroen Picasso?

-People who have given up on life, usually.

-Yes.

Ronnie Pickering.

-Oh, Ronnie Pickering.

-Oh, Ronnie.

The mad taxi driver.

Did he not, sort of, have an altercation with a motorcyclist

-and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

-Hmm.

-And the motorcyclist said, "No," and he just kept on saying it.

-Yeah.

-Would you like to see it?

-Yes.

-OK.

-Do you know who I am?

-Do I care?

Well, you will know when I fucking...when you pull up.

-Come on, who are you, then?

-Ronnie Pickering.

-Who?

-Ronnie Pickering.

-Who?

-Ronnie Pickering!

-Who the fuck's that?

-Me!

-Ronnie... Ronnie Pickering.

-APPLAUSE

I bet Chris Evans is ringing him, even now, don't you think?

Go on, Jeremy, punch him.

You can have a go, if you want. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You remember how to punch, right?

-Let's just get this done.

-Oh, no, he's rolling up his sleeve.

He's rolling up his sleeve.

The pie's here! The pie's here!

Chips, give us chips, quick!

Sprouts! Sprouts Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Oh...

-Good, that's cleared up.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been practising that face.

-It's a hard one to pull off.

-What, the, the...?

Well, you knew that that was going to crop up,

-so I had to practise my face.

-What was your face? I didn't see it.

Well, it's like, "Yes, I knew this was coming. Oh, what an idiot I am."

RICHARD: Yeah, but with a touch of,

"But, you know, I made quite a lot of money out of it,

-"so it is all right."

-Yeah.

-I'm in a dilemma. I mean, you punched Piers Morgan, so...

-Oh...

-..sometimes...

-APPLAUSE

Yeah, you see?

-Yeah. No-one's sacking you for that.

-No.

This is the Volkswagen fiasco -

not the name of their latest hatchback

but the ongoing scandal over diesel emissions.

As prosecutors launched a criminal investigation

into the emissions scandal, it's believed that

one of the scientists involved there has killed himself in his garage.

He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.

To con the testers, VW vehicles were fitted with

a so-called "defeat device".

If you're wondering what a "defeat device" looks like,

well, here you go.

And so, into round two,

and it's a welcome return for the Steering Wheel Of News.

There we are, and here is the first spin.

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. #

-BUZZER

-Robert Peston. That's Robert Peston.

He's not been wearing a tie properly.

He's getting his hair cut. They want him to look a little bit...

BBC want him a bit more corporate, and he's saying,

"This is the way I am," and he might be going to ITV,

where they will let him wear his shirt as long as he likes.

-Well, nearly.

-Nearly.

-Yeah.

-Yes, it's appearance, but he's been told that,

if he wants the ITV news job,

which apparently is something he's after,

-he'll have to put a tie on.

-Oh, right.

-So it's the other way round.

-Yes, I see.

He's been thinking about the career move a lot, and, according to the Guardian...

Particularly when he's trying to get to the end of a sentence.

Because why do you think ITV care?

Shares in Tie Rack?

They're apparently more strict about their dress code -

wouldn't allow him to interview prominent figures

dressed as some kind of lounge lizard, like this.

There will be many people concerned that you are offering

-a big Treasury subsidy for power...

-LAUGHTER

..but, right now, nuclear power looks very, very expensive.

So, what does Robert Peston say about all of this?

Oh, he just doesn't care.

Having a shirt undone to the waist may be an obstacle to your

career on British television news, but where is it a positive asset?

-Italy.

-Is it Greece?

-Australia.

-Russia.

-No, nearly.

-Albania.

-Yes.

-Albania is the correct answer.

-Oh, crazy.

On the TV station Zjarr...

Ahem. That's the actual name of the TV, so I'm just making a noise.

-Yeah, don't be rude. You'll be on it.

-Yeah.

A young newsreader called Enki Bracaj,

-she's found a way...

-Inky Bra-Cadge? I think I was at school with him.

She's...

-Hmm.

-There we go.

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

I think a tie would help.

APPLAUSE

Do you know? The really embarrassing thing is the next question

is about Rebekah Brooks and I'm not going to do that.

Well, I know the answer.

-BELL RINGS

-Innocent!

-Exactly.

-APPLAUSE

On what grounds do you make that rather extraordinary statement?

I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.

So, are we deliberately missing out the Rebekah Brooks question?

DRUMROLL

-It's the Wheel Of Evasion.

-BUZZER

Oh, yeah, this is Rebekah Brooks. She was in the news...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Could you...?

-Oh, I know who that is.

You might be a bit more in on the details than I am, actually.

-It's the Dull Man Contest, isn't it?

-Well done.

It's called the Dull Men's Club.

They used to do a calendar and, now, there are so many of them,

-they've upgraded it to a book.

-Fabulous.

If they've called it the Dull Men's Club, that's annoying,

cos you'll have to think of a new name for your new show.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

My favourite dull man was the man who kept a diary

from 1980 of his lawn-mowing activities.

-I'll give you...

-90 points.

-..three points if you tell me his name.

-Oh...

-Ronnie Pickering!

-"Come on! You know who I am."

-APPLAUSE

-I've even got a photograph of him.

-Yeah.

-He's called David Grisenthwaite and here he is.

-Oh. Oh, lovely.

-AUDIENCE: Aw...

-And somebody said to him, "Why?"

And he said...

So, this man, OK,

he's kept detailed records of over 300 bandstands around Britain.

Do you know how he celebrated his 50th birthday? Paul?

-Paul?

-Rabbits.

A handstand on a bandstand.

-He got a tattoo of his favourite bandstand.

-Oh.

One more dull man.

-Yes, please.

-Yes.

-Here we go. Who is he?

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

No, you see, he is an expert on manhole covers...

-Yes.

-Yes, he is.

-He is.

-That's exactly right.

..which I thought was actually incredibly interesting.

He can see a manhole cover and say, "Yes."

"That's a manhole cover."

Corbyn actually said...

That's why people are so worried. Middle England is going to

-take him to their breast.

-Yeah.

He likes allotments, manhole covers, and wears sandals.

-You think he's not going to win?

-Yeah.

The other one's sticking his cock in a pig.

-And the last spin.

-Last spin.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-DRUMROLL So this'll be Rebekah Brooks.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

That's handy, cos I've got questions on that one.

BELL RINGS This is Putin powering into Syria...

-Mm-hmm.

-..and Obama being tense about him doing this,

and them having a tense meeting in the UN.

Who is currently bombing Syria?

The US are bombing, the French are bombing,

the Russians have now joined in...

We want to go in, apparently.

You wouldn't want to be an air traffic controller, would you,

in Syria right now?

"Where the hell are this lot coming from?"

Which other famous face popped in to see Obama this week?

-BELL RINGS

-The Pope.

-Sorry.

Yeah, at times, it did look like he didn't want to be there.

-Really?

-Watch.

MUSIC: The Star-Spangled Banner

- How dare he not sing? - Typical...

-APPLAUSE

-Yes.

Who went all out and dressed up for the Pope's visit?

Dogs. Oh, dogs disguised as the Pope.

Look at this lot.

The Pope's got a hairy face!

Apparently, asked if the Pope was aware of the "Pope dog" trend,

the Vatican spokesman said...

What is the Pope releasing just in time for Christmas?

Is it an emission?

-CAMILLA: A single?

-Yes, it is.

He's releasing his own rock and pop album...

-Oh, lovely.

-..with his Papal speeches set to music.

-Yeah?

-Fantastic.

-He premiered it on Rolling Stone's website.

It's called...

MUSIC: Wake Up! Go! Go! Forward by Pope Francis & Damiano Affinito

-POPE FRANCIS:

-'Wake up. Wake up.'

It's not an advert for an alarm clock, is it?

-The Papal alarm clock.

-APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, when the Pope addressed the US Congress,

speaker John Boehner was moved to tears,

and that is pathetic.

The only time you'd catch our speaker crying is

if he comes home early and sees his cousin's trousers on the landing.

GASPING, GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Time for the Missing Words round,

which, this week, features as its guest publication,

Warehouse & Logistics News,

and we start with...

..after what?

After Mr Gromit is sacked.

After his competitors are found in shallow graves in Epping Forest.

He wins Warehouse Manager of the Year after...

Well, nobody else could do... Exactly.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well...

wouldn't it be better management if he'd asked somebody else to do it?

That's doing it himself. That's not management.

-Yeah, Wallace.

-Yeah, give...

-Cocked that up.

-Yeah, give it back.

Next...

..she wants to what?

RICHARD: Press charges.

Is it...? Was it live in 1942?

Very close. She actually said "experience World War II".

-Yes.

-Yeah.

This is a Miss Italy contestant who told judges she'd love to

travel back in time to the 1940s.

If she'd gone back to 1942, the 18-year-old Miss Italy

would have experienced many dangers, such as air raids

Mussolini's secret police and, most terrifying of all,

being approached by a middle-aged Silvio Berlusconi.

And, finally, what...?

Is it "paedophile"?

Well, it could be.

Oh, it'll be some poison - E Coli.

-Oh, you're getting nearer now.

-Not salmonella.

Yeah. Oh, no, it'd be tuna-ella.

-Tuna-ella, not salmonella - that's salmon.

-It was in the Daily Mail.

The answer is "deadly toxin".

This news was from the Daily Mail this week.

Sandwiches are often dangerous, of course,

especially if it's 11 o'clock at night...

And you've had a couple of hours drinking first.

Was it Coke?

LAUGHTER

-What, just, just bad temper?

-Anyway, listen,

the final scores are...

Ian and Camilla, five,

and Paul and Richard, six.

No.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that, at a Moscow exhibition celebrating

his life, some of Vladimir Putin's childhood toys go on display.

On the set of my new car show for Amazon Prime,

there are concerns that James May might be becoming a bit diva-ish.

And, in Bavaria, a fox regrets standing too close

to the exhaust of a Volkswagen Golf.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE