Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You?

I am Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week...

There is embarrassment for David Cameron as footage emerges

of some of those 70,000 Syrian ground troops in training.

In Moscow, as he meets his next opponent, Russia's number

one judo star starts to think he may have to throw the fight.

And home movie footage of a kitchen in Essex in the 1970s

shows a career-defining moment in the life of Victoria Beckham.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who is

about to publish her first book, which is described as a funny

exploration of the female body.

I've done one of those. Please welcome Sara Pascoe!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And with Paul tonight is a Scottish politician who

led the SNP for over 20 years up until 2014.

And then they got popular. Please welcome Alex Salmond MSP MP!

APPLAUSE

And we start as ever with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Alex, take a look at this.

This is obviously the bombing of Syria is beginning.

Many people are against it.

The shadow cabinet...

Ruining the snooker match.

That is a Daesh tank going around in circles.

That should be pretty easy to bomb, that one.

I hope the other targets are as well. The big debate.

The government got a big majority for bombing Syria.

Who gave the most impressive performance

would you say in the debate?

The Speaker. Actually, yes.

Because he did not go to the toilet for 11 hours.

By special arrangement.

Like astronauts? Very similar arrangement.

Lot of tubing.

Under all the breaches and the buckles?

Underneath, through the House of Lords, through the canteen, up Big

Ben, back again.

It is an 11-hour cycle so after 11 hours you have got to get

out of there.

You do not want blowback, do you?! Indeed.

Do you think there were people who made their minds up

in the chamber on the night?

Well, they were forecasting a big majority, and then as the

debate started with David Cameron talking about Corbyn as a terrorist

sympathiser...

He was speaking of him as wavering, saying...

Well, yes.

That is actually smearing everybody who came out against the war.

That's a good start.

He was challenged on it a number of times. t It was a foolish thing

for him to say.

It was tactically daft because it would stiffen the resolve of some

Labour MPs, you would have thought.

There is one Machiavellian theory that the Tories briefed that,

so that the question of the 70,000 bogus battalions,

as one Tory MP called it, would not

be examined, that the debate would centre on the Cameron insult.

Oh, they are not that clever. Well...

They would not deliberately make two enormous howlers thinking

that the lesser one would get all the attention.

The 70,000 claim was challenged by a lot of MPs, including the SNP's

Angus Robertson - he is very impressive, isn't he?

He is. He is a leader, isn't he?

Absolutely! Angus Robertson!

You were there on Wednesday.

Obviously, the previous debate on the 26th of November, you had to

miss that because you were unveiling a portrait.

Incidentally we raised 50,000 quid for charity.

It is a good portrait. It was for charity!

What are you doing to that sofa?!

There is a Scottish Labour source who said...

There was a boy at my school who could do that.

How has Jeremy Corbyn's week gone?

At first I think he tried to argue to get

the Labour Party to vote against, to have a whipped kind of vote.

But then somebody pointed out that when it comes to matters

of conscience, as it must be when you are sending people to war,

it has to be a free vote.

That is how it turned out.

So he did not get the Labour MPs behind him necessarily.

And Hilary Benn made a very good speech and some people said, "Ooh,

"Benn might be a contrast to Jeremy Corbyn.

"There might be a leadership contest at some point,

"maybe in a year or so."

How much do you want?

That summed it up entirely.

You have had a bit of a run-in with Hilary, haven't you?

I was doing a contrast between Tony Benn, who made some incredibly

powerful anti-war speeches in the House of Commons, and Hilary Benn,

who made a pro-war speech on behalf of a Tory Prime Minister, and

I merely said that I thought his father

would be birling in his grave.

It is a Scottish idiom, it means a deceased person...

APPLAUSE

..would be surprised at that turn of events.

And I have to say I think Tony Benn would be fair

astonished...

Presumably this is not a new standpoint for Hilary Benn.

Presumably they would have known each other for quite a long time.

Just talking from my own life and parenting...

Yes - to have people running around saying, "Benn Tory scum" is

new. Really, isn't it?

I mean, it is a turnaround. That bit wasn't me.

No, I am just paraphrasing you.

Who are the two gangs in the Labour rivalry?

They are called momentum, which is the Corbynite one,

and progress, which is the other.

Like The Apprentice!

Oh, my god - they have given themselves stupid names!

There is a serious side to this.

The divisions in the Labour Party gave Cameron a much easier time on

Wednesday than he should have had.

Much of the debate was actually focused about internal battles

in the Labour Party, when it should have been focused on

dismantling what was a threadbare case for bombing in Syria.

According to one embattled Labour MP, every day is like...

Oh, no!

What did one of Corbyn's most loyal supporters, Diane Abbott,

do in a Shadow Cabinet meeting?

Light an Advent candle?

Dangerous! According to the Sunday Times, she...

One source told the Sunday Times...

LAUGHTER

But before the debate got going properly, what did the

Conservatives stick the boot into?

Jeremy Corbyn.

Before the debate got going. Jeremy Corbyn?

Just before...

No, it was the BBC.

The Conservatives were arguing that we should now call Isis Daesh,

which I think we should because that is the mocking acronym

which is used in the Arabic world.

But there are some Conservatives who so want to attack

the BBC that it is not enough to say we should all be coining it Daesh.

But also to say, "And the BBC are not calling it Daesh, which proves

the BBC is a conspiracy."

Terrorist sympathisers.

Rigidly, the BBC call it so-called Islamic State.

Really confusing for old people if they keep changing

the name over time.

That is what they say about biscuits.

Do they keep changing biscuits all the time?

All the time! Bastards.

Daesh do not like being called Daesh at all.

So people think it is going to hurt their feelings?

Are we saying it right, Daesh? Daesh. Yes.

Kind of like what Sean Connery plays backgammon with. Daesh.

Just to cheer us up, let's have a look at some slightly

better international news.

This is for match point, I think.

Look at that! Fantastic!

APPLAUSE

A British team winning the Davis Cup

for the first time since 1936.

It is a great triumph for British sport, isn't it?

LAUGHTER I have to say, I think...

Andy Murray and Jamie Murray and...

Andy and Jamie and...

So basically, Dunblane won the Davis Cup.

Yes, a British win, then.

This is the news that Britain is now at war just a few hundred yards

across from where we were already at war.

Leading Labour's pro-bombing faction was Hilary Benn, whose

father Tony was the president of the Stop the War coalition.

It just goes to show, if you call your son Hilary, he

will reject everything you stand for.

Ian and Sarah, take a look at this.

I think that is Conservative headquarters.

Oh, I see.

There is some young Tories. Aged about 50.

I've got a lanyard!

Which one is the one that you swipe if you don't like them on Tinder?

I am asking the wrong person! It is just grinder for me!

LAUGHTER

They had a horrible situation where a young member

of their party committed suicide, which was terribly sad.

But then now, afterwards, everybody is blaming everybody else.

Yes.

This is the young Conservatives, who have been revealed as being

ghastly, which is a huge shock to everybody as you can imagine.

Everybody thought they were nice, moderate, well-balanced young men.

And women. And women.

But it is mostly the men who are doing the bullying.

Who is at the centre of this controversy?

It is a man called Clarke. Yes. Mark Clarke...

There are claims that he blackmailed ministers

and sexually harassed co-workers.

Allegedly, I have to point out, Mark Clarke has denied all these

allegations.

What is the name that they are all going by, these young Tories?

Tatler Tories. Do you know why?

The Tatler predicted that this man Clarke would one day be in the

cabinet. That's right.

And Tatler is well-known for spotting political leaders.

Can I just ask you, what is the Tatler?

It is a magazine for knobs.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

They had an article in 2008 and they picked out ten young Tories

who they reckoned were...

Here we have got a photograph of Mark Clarke, second from the left.

Is the woman standing in front of him saying to him, "Will you please

"stop pumping air up my sleeve?"

She does not know what he is doing it with

but she knows it is happening.

If she has actually just got a really fat lower arm,

you're going to feel awful.

Is her dad Popeye? She has got an anchor on there.

Is her dad Popeye? It will be in the

notes if he is. It doesn't say.

It can't be her dad.

Oh, Camilla the sailor man! You are absolutely right.

What is Mark Clarke's official role?

He organised these road trips of volunteers to drum up

support for the Tory party.

Trouble is, it is so low level.

It is literally young men going around saying,

"You will never work on the back desk of the assistant Conservative

research department ever again."

And everyone goes, oh, no!

Do they get very camp when they are doing this?!

They are!

One of Clarke's techniques is a thing called IIP.

Does anybody know what it is?

Intimidate, interrogate, party! Have fun at the end of the day!

If only!

It is his technique for using alcohol to lure women.

He calls it... You're joking. Oh, god!

Doesn't Theresa May stop those people coming into the country now?

Don't we have rules on this?

Former Tory co-chairman Grant Shapps has had to resign.

Why particularly did he have to do that?

Well, he was supposedly in charge of these young people not bullying

each other.

And there have been calls for Lord Feldman to resign.

But Grant Shapps had ignored repeated allegations.

And he was on the coach with them, was he?

He appointed I think the team to run these road trips.

But he had ignored all of these allegations

which had been presented to him.

What was wrong with the inquiry?

Well, they were going to have an inquiry led by Lord Feldman.

And given that he was meant to be enquiring into himself...

"Anything wrong old boy? No, not at all."

..it did not go very far.

But it should be OK because the brilliantly named Lord Pannick...

..has been put in charge to...

LAUGHTER

I would love it if he comes in with his robes!

And finally on the subject of political activists,

who would like to see an Irish government minister being questioned

by an activist in Dublin this week?

Yes, please.

This was Andy Whelan from the Revolutionary

Republic News questioning Irish Trade Minister Joe Costello over

water charges.

Just ignore what they say and just keep on walking...

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Let's see it again.

Yes, this is the bullying scandal involving

Mark Clarke, the Tatler Tory.

After his behaviour during the 2010 election campaign,

a lengthy dossier compiled for Tory HQ said of Mark Clarke...

With a note in the margin adding, 'future Cabinet Minister?'

One of Mark Clarke's colleagues of the 2015 roadtrip campaign was

the recently ennobled Baroness Emma Pidding.

Emma Pidding.

I wonder if she's one of the Yorkshire Piddings!

LAUGHTER

And so to Round Two.

The Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one:

Oh, brains!

Men and women's brains!

Yes.

Buzzer.

Oh!

Ian and Sara.

Brains?

LAUGHTER

Men and women's brains.

Yes.

Men and women...

Men and women all have brains.

LAUGHTER

I was just thinking that your brain didn't think

about pressing the buzzer and his did, which is very annoying.

Yes, but my brain did get it right!

Yes!

This is the story that says that men and women's brains...

LAUGHTER

They're essentially the same.

So 'Women are from Mars. Men are from Venus',

whatever it was, that was just a book, not true at all.

The only difference is that men can understand buzzers

quicker than women!

LAUGHTER

That's the only one and it's very tiny.

A tiny amount.

According to the Mail, scientists analysed brain scans of more than

1,400 men and women and found that:

LAUGHTER

What is a male brain and what is a female brain?

Well, that's the thing.

Another thing that's quite sexist is that they will say spatial

and reasoning - male brain.

So even the way that they treat brains is very sexist.

There is an amazing book called The Gender Delusion

which is all about sexism in brain studies and it's brilliant.

What is most prevalent is that they often, these studies, find no

results and they are not published.

So for every one that's in the Daily Mail, there is 100 that

found no difference.

Very interesting.

APPLAUSE

Professor Joel, who is the author of the study, according to Professor

Joel, the study did show that...

LAUGHTER

The other interesting thing is actually, now with gender,

genitals isn't a sign of someone's gender any more either.

So actually, I think this Dr Joel's an idiot!

And I know he's got a very good qualification and I

can't use buzzers, but...

I think she's a female doctor.

Oh!

I am so sexist!

I just assumed it was a man!

APPLAUSE

I'm having a terrible day!

Yes, you are.

In other news, what facial feature might make men more sexist?

It's going to be something to do with facial hair and testosterone.

It's a beard.

An Australian study this week found that men with facial hair were more

likely to show signs of...

There was this other theory earlier this year where people said that

more men were growing beards in response to women wanting more

power.

So that they were asserting - ooh, look what I can grow!

LAUGHTER

There doesn't seem much evidence here.

These people are not cool, trendy people.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I said it in a jokey way!

You know what I meant.

Right, let's get her!

Not cool and trendy?!

What fashion trend might help soften the macho bravado

of these chauvinists at this time of year?

The man bun.

What?

The man bun.

What is the man bun?

I didn't wear mine tonight.

Didn't you?

It's when men have quite a lot of long hair and they wear it up.

Actually, very similar to this.

Like that.

I see.

And you didn't wear yours tonight, Ian?

I didn't, no, because I didn't want to make the

audience feel uncool and trendy.

APPLAUSE

Ian, I'm on your team!

The must-have accessory for this Christmas is...

glitter beards.

Glitter beards?

Yes.

This is a scientific study that has discovered there are no real

differences between male and female brains.

According to the Daily Mail, the male brain tends to withstand

pain better than the female brain.

Yes, I remember when my wife was giving birth.

She squeezed my hand so tightly, but I didn't say a word.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Yes?

Golfers are getting confused.

Because Brussel sprouts have become genetically engineered to be exactly

the same weight and size as a golf ball.

It's super sprouts.

It is super sprouts.

It is super sprouts.

Nobody knows how to control them.

A sprout like that could take over the world.

These are monster sprouts.

Monster sprouts.

They will grow legs, then we're in trouble.

Why are they so big?

Because they are massive.

They're great big buggers and they don't care who knows it.

There were bit by a radioactive tortoise and they've grown hugely.

Or, just a warm August.

A warm August?

Oh, the most deadly of all foes!

Who is this bad news for, obviously?

Little sprouts.

The runner bean's done a runner!

I'm out of here!

Who is it bad news for?

Children, obviously.

Why is it bad news for children?

Because they don't like sprouts.

They don't have to eat them, then.

And also because these abnormally large sprouts,

they measure 40 millimetres wide, 45 million metres long.

Well, you could cut them up.

I've got a sprout comparison chart here to make things a bit clearer.

There they are.

They are monsters.

What we have to thank?

Global warming.

Global warming.

According to the Independent...

Speaking of climate change.

How have world leaders been tackling the problem this week?

In Paris.

They have indeed.

They are going to limit global warming if they can to

two degrees Centigrade this century.

So pretty much all sorted.

That's great.

Who was representing Britain there?

Who was helping to represent Britain, I should say?

David Cameron and Prince Charles.

And Prince Charles.

Both there.

Yes, Prince Charles showing how passionate he is on the issue.

"I'm going to write you a letter if you're not careful!"

Jon Snow cancelled a meeting with Prince Charles at the conference,

what was the reason for that?

Prince Charles had a 15-page memorandum

which he hands to broadcasters of things you can and cannot do.

You can and cannot ask about.

So they said they were not interviewing him.

Absolutely right.

Channel 4 described it as...

Yes, it was a list of questions they couldn't ask.

Are you looking forward to anyone dying?

And the Sun mocked up Charles as Kim Jong-un .

Who had a heart-warming historic handshake at the Conference?

It was the Israeli and Palestinian leaders, Benjamin Netanyahu

and Mahmoud Abbas.

Who shared a handshake.

How was the moment soured?

Occupation of Palestine?

No.

APPLAUSE

No. Just as the historic moment was happening, the President of Comoros,

Ikililou Dhoinine, got in the way of the camera and

so the only official photograph of the historic handshake was this:

LAUGHTER

Time for the Odd One Out round.

Just one between you this week.

Farmer Ben Fletch's sweet potato.

Geminoid F.

Kellogg's Cornflakes.

And John Prescott's office.

I think this is about sex, basically.

Sex?

Yes.

Geminoid F is a sex robot.

I've heard, I have been told...

LAUGHTER

I read somewhere, I saw it on television, something like that.

Farmer Ben Fletch, he's the farmer who keeps unearthing

sensuous potatoes.

Sensuous potatoes?

Sensuously shaped.

Your knowledge about this is disturbingly thorough.

But I think the office is where John Prescott had sex.

With a lampshade?

With a lampshade!

With a lampshade.

And it was revealed that Kellogg's, the originator of Cornflakes,

was anti-sex.

People had cornflakes in the morning instead of having sex.

Therefore, all the other three are about sex except Cornflakes.

I suggest it's Cornflakes.

That was amazing.

APPLAUSE

It's like watching a Scottish Columbo.

Wasn't it?

He went through each of the facts one by one.

I deduce!

It was brilliant.

If you wait long enough in a programme, you get onto

your specialist subject.

Sensual potatoes!

APPLAUSE

Dr John Harvey Kellogg and his brother Will came up with

the cornflake recipe as they believed that plainer foods

helped 'cleanse the body and mind' of erotic desires.

Though there was an unfortunate misunderstanding

earlier in the marketing process when he asked a designer to put a

massive cock on the cereal packet.

What was Dr Kellogg's novel approach to eating yoghurt?

Did you hear about that?

No.

He believed that after administering a morning enema, a pint

of yogurt should be consumed...

Hence the expression, "Mmm, Danone!".

APPLAUSE

You are absolutely right about Ben Fletch as well.

He found a sweet potato so sexy, he couldn't bring himself to eat it.

What was so sexy about this vegetable?

Did it have boobies on it?

No.

According to the Mirror, it bore...

There it is.

LAUGHTER

What did he do with it instead?

Did he give it a good forking?

He told reporters...

Threw it away!

It's in his special drawer in the shed!

According to the Sun, John Prescott's government office

was destroyed this summer to stop officials being distracted

by thoughts of the former Deputy PM's romps.

But to be honest, the sofa used was pretty much destroyed at the time!

Geminoid F.

It is not a sex robot.

It is just a robot.

Yes, where does this sex robot come in?

It was a wild guess, I've got no specialist knowledge!

Here she is.

# Happy birthday to you...

# Happy birthday to you! #

What is sexy about that?

It has been dubbed...

But who voted it the world's sexiest robot?

People!

Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features,

as its guest publication...

Pest.

The independent UK pest management magazine.

And we start with...

Reverse charges.

No.

Oh, yes.

President Erdogan of Turkey is prosecuting someone who

claimed he looks like Gollum.

And that is the case for the prosecution!

Next...

Flicking the V sign?

This is a young lad who wouldn't be in the

Christmas card so they went ahead.

And he is about six feet away, looking very upset.

Australian Labour politician Andrew Leigh's family Christmas card went

viral this week after one of his kids featured on the card sulking.

LAUGHTER

Only reader!

Guess how many cockroaches are in the picture?

This is a blank autocue.

LAUGHTER

For a minute there, you had to rely on raw talent.

Oh, no.

APPLAUSE

Perish the thought.

Final scores are...

Ian and Sara, 6.

Paul and Alex running away with 10.

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

Oh, no!

Potato found in green park.

On which note, I say thank you to our panellists.

Ian Hislop and Sara Pascoe.

Paul Merton and Alex Salmond MSP MP.

And I leave you with news that...

As a new training course begins, it's clear Operation Yewtree has

taken its toll.

LAUGHTER

In Japan, as the recession worsens, a robot servant is told he's going

to have to be let go.

LAUGHTER

After repeated public criticism of his leadership, Jeremy Corbyn,

along with members of the Left Unity Group,

make their way to Hilary Benn's house for clear-the-air talks.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Good night!

APPLAUSE

There once was a sprout with love to give