Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

evidence that Britain's loneliest man is being a little too

In Glasgow, as Rangers are promoted back to the Premier League

to play Celtic again, one group of workers

calculate the effect on their overtime payments.

And there's consternation in the Beckham household

as the children's entertainer booked for Harper's fifth birthday

On Ian's team tonight, a comedian in his 20s

who ends his blog with the words "Wang Out".

As opposed to when he's on Snapchat, "Wang Out" is how he starts.

A journalist and broadcaster who says she's always complaining

It's a constant infuriating racket - and the leaf blower's the only

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Janet, take a look at this.

Yes, this is the triumph of the Foxes.

Hang on, David Tennant, isn't that you?

I was Richard the second, not Richard III.

You do rather resemble the statue of Richard III.

I don't own a hat like that.

Aren't they owned by incredibly rich oligarchs

I think they are owned by a Thai millionaire.

I'm considering this a win for Southeast

So it's not really a rags to riches story?

It's more sort of riches to more riches.

The captain's already writing his life story,

He's sold it for a great deal of money.

I did a lot of work before this thing.

"This thing"? to this programme,

I thought, football is coming up, I really need

The only thing I read about it that really interests me is

that before the game they have Buddhist monks who...

This is probably a doping story, it's certainly cheating...

The Buddhist monks come in and chant and pray for

They've also challenged conventional wisdom

because they played most of the time without the ball.

It means they are statistically in possession for

The Buddhist monks pray and the ball just floats

It's a Thai technique, you wouldn't understand.

This is starting to get quite confusing.

I'm sure you've all seen Leicester players

celebrating at Jamie Vardy's house just after they became champions.

They say the Premier League is overhyped these

days and people get too excited about it, so let's compare those

Leicester players with some footage taken in the home of Lee Chapman

from Leeds United and his team-mates, just

minutes after they'd won the league title in 1992.

It's a champagne occasion and we're in the

The celebrations in Leicester were widely reported.

Steve Hurst went out to soak up the atmosphere

with his cocker spaniel, Daisy, wearing a miniature Leicester

He said "She's got one of her own but she's just had nine

granddaughter's. so she's wearing my

Hasn't Gary Lineker said he's going to present Match of the Day in

Isn't he available now he's just got divorced?

I think David Cameron's encouraged him to do it.

The question was asked in Parliament and he said

I'm glad they're tackling the important

What has top Leicester butcher Keith Ashmore done as a

It's bound to be a sausage, isn't it?

That would be delicious, wouldn't it?

He's actually introduced a range of blue sausages.

He should save his money and buy a better wig.

That's not actually Keith, that the

Who's going to give you a really good review after

Aren't some of them struggling to make a living?

Middling Devon butcher, Paul Kenyon,

who produced his own purple sausage

as a tribute to Prince, who died recently.

The animal rights group Peta have asked him to withdraw his

I think we'd all aspire to that wouldn't we?

By the way, I've met Prince and that sausage is about ten times

the size of what he had in his pants.

Do I have to remind you again this is not Loose Women?

The body's not even cold, Janet.

Yes, this is the shock result that has turned

even non-football fans like myself into experts.

Leicester Rovers have won the Premier division couple.

Leicester Rovers have won the Premier division Cup.

And to think, none of it would have happened if the previous manager

hadn't left the club after his son was sacked for filming his mates

having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.

Jamie Vardy once played for a local Steelworkers team

Before he quit to pursue his ambition of

It's an impossible dream, how will you feed your family,

Vardy warned the Steelworkers as he left.

Swinging quite a long way to

That's how big his head is in psychological terms.

That is the official Republican candidate.

So it's possible he'll be the next president of

It felt like that was quite hard to get out.

I was about to say, he's about to meet Prime Minister

There's an online petition to ban him from

I think the argument was we should let him come over, listen to

It's the more traditional British response.

No, we need some freedom of speech, we've got to hear Trump's

views, because they change minute to minute.

No idea what he's going to

He actually ended one rally thanking the poorly educated for

Yes, this is the news of another rank outsider as Trump

Trump made a victory speech. out of the race,

We are going to start winning again and we're going to win bigly.

What's being sold at Donald Trump rallies that's causing

LAUGHTER I'm quoting what he's doing I'm not

He's got no women voting for him, no ethnic vote.

Anyway, who says elections aren't fun?

Meanwhile, back home, the

But we unfortunately happened yesterday and have no

So let's talk about how Labour's anti-Semitism problem

It's working a treat, he got a landslide.

If you're watching the repeat and he

LAUGHTER Alan Johnston was very funny.

He said, there's no Labour problem that

cannot be made worse by Ken

The number of Labour members

suspended for anti-Semitism and

racism since Corbyn took over as leader is now 18.

Doesn't that make him the best ever anti-semite

Does Jeremy Corbyn know

No, there's footage of him, isn't there?

Yes, because him going in would

Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do about the perceived anti-Semitism in

Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do about the perception

your party is anti-Semitic and the criticisms from Andy Burnham?

Hi, good morning, very nice to see you.

LAUGHTER Did someone change the code?

Has there been a coup and no one told

Throwing his clothes out the top floor window.

Get out, there's your cycling helmet.

Here is London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith

demonstrating how you should handle tough questions from the media.

I'm a Bollywood fan, so anything with a

You say you are Bollywood fan, do you have a favourite actor,

No, I'm not going to give you one, I can't think

Think of a single Bollywood film or actor.

I can't think of a favourite, I love the whole...

Almost everything about Bollywood, I love

the atmosphere, the colour, the excitement, I want as much

Bollywood as possible here in London.

Nothing. Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city has come

to an end after eight years. So let's take the opportunity

to look back at his time in office I am thick as... LAUGHTER

These contraceptive devices don't work. LAUGHTER

What about this one? Who's the joke? This next one.

That is Boris Johnson having trouble with

Thank you(!) He got trapped on a zip wire, for anybody else, it

would mean the end of his career, but with Boris, they just said,

The time he was up there coincided with London running very smoothly.

A lot of people did notice the similarity when the picture

was posted on Twitter by an account called Whores of Yore.

I think that is a man in drag, actually, the more I look at it.

Yes, this is Donald Trump's triumph in Indiana.

This week Donald Trump made the bizarre claim that

Ted Cruz's father was linked to the assassination of JFK.

A foolish move, even by Trump's standards, as it it reminded people

that if all else fails, presidents can be assassinated.

Meanwhile, Britain has been in the grip of local election fever...

As the polls opened, Labour mobilised thousands

of volunteers who were soon pounding the streets, knocking on doors,

desperately trying to find Ken Livingstone, sedate him

This week, we are delving into some of the latest breakthroughs

from the cutting edge of science and technology.

That looks like the cheapest prop from Doctor Who.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here we go...

Eric Pickles has been reincarnated...

It is Labradors are flabaradors, they're the fattest pets.

Boffins say that poor old labradors have a genetic predisposition,

every time they see a plate of food they have to eat it and they have

That makes them exactly like 75% of the British population!

University found that 25% of Labradors carried a faulty gene

which means they are programmed to overeat.

How can you exploit fat Labradors, essentially...?

because they are more motivated to work for a titbit.

Shall we have a look at a labrador recovering after a gruelling

Sounds like Boris Johnson's telling his wife that he can't

That's not somebody around the corner with a vacuum cleaner?

There you are, that's why he's the editor of Private Eye.

Experts studied the drool from 310 fat dogs.

If you want to collect drool from a fat cat,

that's usually on Kate Moss's neck after a Philip Green party.

Top boffins have said that the Borrowers could never happen.

Because of scaling, shrinking a human down,

the surface area would not be right, they would lose too much heat,

they would not be able to maintain their heat,

This is news that scientists have proven that if a human was the size

of one of the characters from The Borrowers,

Intra-oral time difference, does that mean anything to you?

LAUGHTER to on the weekend!

It is the adjustment your brain makes for sound to reach

the left and right ears, if you are that tiny,

Finally, despite what these scientists may be claiming,

how did a real-life Borrower nearly miss out on a job this week?

There aren't any real-life borrowers.

After a typo in his job application, a Mr O'Neill had to get a doctor's

certificate to prove that he was not 17cm tall.

it meant his body mass index was 146,000.

Is it something to do with his phone?

Is it people crossing the road without looking,

they are putting traffic lights on the floor.

This is the news that a town in Germany is putting traffic

so that people busy sending text messages

This is the German town of Augsburg, they have installed traffic lights

on the ground to stop texters wandering onto the tram tracks.

To warn pedestrians there are 16 red LED lights embedded in the pavement,

and to make sure Germans spot them, they are the size of a beer mat,

and the shape of a sausage(!) Time now for the Odd One Out Round,

just one between new this week, your four are: Sir Philip Green;

John Virgo and Jim Davidson; Sir Winston Churchill;

They all have a heart, except, Sir Philip...

John Virgo was told off for swearing live during snooker.

You're right, he was called out during the snooker championships.

It wasn't John's fault, the microphones were left up,

and crucially, someone was still awake, so...

Can we have a clue? Mousetrap.

They have all heard board games made of themselves.

Nudging very close to the correct answer.

They have all had a board game apart from...

They have all featured in a board game apart from

whose businesses appeared on a specially made Monopoly set

given to him by his wife, Tina, on his 50th birthday.

According to the Sunday Times, in 2003, the names of the London

Is that corner square still there, that says, "Go to

jail, go directly to jail, do not take a knighthood."

The Parliamentary committee on pensions has insisted

that Sir Phillip Green must meet

them to face questions, how has he

Jim Davidson and John Virgo featured in the board game spin off

from the television show, Big Break.

According to Wikipedia, the show was renowned

for its light-hearted and comedic tone for seven reasons,

one of these was the chemistry between Davidson and Virgo.

The Winston Churchill board game, I played that as a boy.

It took five years, but we got there in the end!

You played it on the beaches, didn't you?

APPLAUSE Anyone have any idea of the rules?

Are you leader of Britain during World War II?

It recreated the tension and drama of the conferences between

Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin towards the end of World War II.

One review states, "a session will require a minimum three hours

plus for the tournament game and may take a whole day

I just can't wait, come on, get on with it.

There is also a new app being launched of Churchill's

Interestingly, the app was devised by 84-year-old

Donald Rumsfeld, yes, that one, although what he had actually said

Cavity Sam was the name given to the character on the table

The BBC also released a Doctor Who version of Operation,

I could be doing Shakespeare tonight, instead of this sort!

LAUGHTER Time now for the missing words round, this week featuring

as its guest publication Bottleship Magazine, the magazine

of the European Association of ships in bottles.

And we start with: but you won't know how...!

What sort of business plan with that be?

We ain't got any animals, but we got $40 here...

One of Russia's commemoratives eternal flames was replaced

with a cardboard cutout, hoping that nobody would notice,

He just seemed everyone was using blue tack.

That is a good birth control device.

LAUGHTER Do you need a hand getting off that chair afterwards.

Other sticky contraceptives are available.

Yes, Alan has explained at great length how useful Blu-Tack

is in constructing a ship in a bottle.

Alan is well-known for his love of proverbs.

In trendy parts of London, they want milk in bottles

Thanks to London hipsters, Milkman makes a comeback.

Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twit.

The final scores, it is a draw, six points each!

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.

We leave you with news that at a stand-up comedy

festival in Gloucester, dozens walk out as Britain's

edgiest comic crosses the line once too often.

In Westminster, after another U-turn, David Cameron is spotted

And as the British archery team unveiled their squad for Rio,

they begin to regret that Vivienne Westwood

was asked to design the official Olympic kit.