Have I Got 2016 News for You Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MONTAGE: Good evening...

And welcome... To... Have I Got... News... For You.

I'm Tracey Ullman.

I'm Nick Clegg. I'm Gary Lineker.

I'm Katherine Ryan.

I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week, word spreads that Rupert Murdoch

has rewritten his will to cut out his children.

MALEVOLENT LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

In Essex, one passenger takes the easy option after foolishly

asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit.

LAUGHTER

And the Republican party put in place measures to ensure

a scandal-free presidency as Donald Trump spots an attractive

woman in the crowd.

LAUGHTER

This is our new Prime Minister. Not him! Don't have a heart attack!

Oh, justice being done.

The Government doesn't have power on its own to trigger

Article 50 and it has to refer it to Parliament.

I actually launched a legal challenge to try and stop the

subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately...

I think we should have warned the National Grid.

Because there's going to be a massive upsurge in

electricity demand as people go to put the kettle on.

LAUGHTER

Or switch on their electric chairs.

LAUGHTER

There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan for getting out of the EU,

but Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit

will definitely be sorted.

And conference, mark my words -

we will make breakfast... Brexit! ..a success.

LAUGHTER

Could it be that the entire nation has voted under

a slight misapprehension?

They're merely wanting breakfast?

I mean, you were there - she didn't really like many of the Tories,

-did she? The old ones.

-No.

LAUGHTER

-Neither did I, actually, but there we are.

-Did you like her?

Did you like Theresa May?

I-I-I... LAUGHTER

Anyway, the answer...!

-It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job!

-No!

-No, I doubt that very much!

-Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?

No, anyway, moving on. Um...

Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?

LAUGHTER

We had a visit by an American president.

He said, "unless you stay in the EU, you'll go to the back of the queue",

which is a mistake with British people, because we think, "Great! Queue!"

LAUGHTER

I'll go back again and queue up!

I feel like I've come to the country far too late, because before

Britain joined the Common Market, this must have been paradise.

LAUGHTER

It really was paradise, wasn't it?

Only had to go work three days a week...

So, Eddie, you're pro-EU.

Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?

-Thinking people of the United Kingdom?

-No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.

If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the

face when he doesn't get a steak, who CAN you trust?

Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...

So why is he in favour of it, then?

-What special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?

-He went home.

At the time that his wife was expecting him.

Don't be ridiculous!

Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter

thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars.

Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman.

LAUGHTER

-That's... That's scary.

-Yeah.

Theresa May has inspired the acronym JAM for those who are

"just about managing",

although for some reason, she hasn't come up with a term yet

for those fat cats who are "cleaning up nicely, thanks".

LAUGHTER

Ah, yes - this is news that Toblerone

has changed the shape of its chocolate bars.

What's happened is that the traditional pyramid shape of

the Toblerone, in order to save costs,

they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger.

As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it.

There we are. That's very amusing.

Fantastic! That is great!

At what point was it not ludicrous that the presenter of The Apprentice

in America could become the Commander In Chief?

It's like saying the presenter of Have I Got News for You could

become Foreign Secretary...

Anyway.

Um...!

Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?

Yes, there were some brilliant headlines.

Here is a German newspaper...

LAUGHTER

How did Trump echo Martin Luther King in his victory speech?

Well, Martin Luther King had a dream and...this guy's a nightmare.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take on The Donald?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Me.

-Have you met Donald Trump?

-Never.

What do you think of him?

I don't know. Sometimes you see,

his sort of, the way his hair...

Something like that,

and his mouth... Small...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

JO BRAND: Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row

and make Hillary feel weird?

Was it Putin?

-No...

-Barack's half-brother.

Yes, indeed, that's right.

He doesn't like his brother, the president. Do you know why?

Sibling rivalry.

LAUGHTER

Well, I suppose it kind of amounts to that.

I mean, Malik Obama told ITV...

LAUGHTER

Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him.

One paper has already endorsed him

on its front page with the headline...

That's from the Crusader,

the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan.

Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred - it's

got regular lifestyle items with tips on sewing and basic woodwork.

LAUGHTER

I think this is the contents of the Queen's speech.

There wasn't a great deal there, she basically said,

"I'll see you after the referendum".

What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?

-It was the Queen's life with...

-Told with horses.

-Told with horses!

The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen".

LAUGHTER

And the thing about it, I mean, I'm not like a massive royalist,

but I was just thinking, like, I love Prince Harry, right?

I think he's brilliant. Probably for all the wrong reasons.

I thought it would be amazing if he one day ended up as King

because to have his life acted out by horses...

LAUGHTER

Could you imagine? Just...

The Queen is 90 years old and still going strong.

-So it's time for our Quick Queen Quiz.

-Right.

-Yes!

TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE

To mark the Queen's wartime work as a mechanic,

what did Kwik-Fit offer to do?

LAUGHTER

Get Prince Philip up in the blocks.

Have a look underneath there...

They sculpted a portrait out of motoring accessories.

Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.

LAUGHTER

It was called The Queen Of Parts. ..Right.

German magazine Der Spiegel

put a touching tribute on their front page.

LAUGHTER

It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles!

LAUGHTER

Yes, of course, this is the triumph of the Foxes, Leicester City.

-I know why they won.

-Yes.

-4-4-2.

Oh, really?

APPLAUSE

Tell us about that, Ian.

Tell us about 4-4-2(!)

-Um, well, you've got, um...

-Here we go.

-Ten players together...

-Uh-huh...

-Four of them are in one bit...

-Yeah...

LAUGHTER

Four of them in another and two right over there in another bit.

They might get relegated next year, that'd be funny, wouldn't it?

LAUGHTER

I didn't watch the parade on telly,

I followed it on the internet.

You could track Danny Simpson's tag.

LAUGHTER

How else are Leicester fans

capitalising on their team's victory?

Well, some fans actually are selling jars of Leicester City air...

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

-Sorry, I've not...

-No, it's going well.

They've just opened the lid in the ground and closed it again,

but it was still a better atmosphere then you get at Arsenal.

GROANS, APPLAUSE

Yes, this is the shock result that has turned even non-football fans

like myself into experts.

Leicester Rovers have won the Premier Division Cup.

LAUGHTER

It's a wonderfully romantic story, and to think,

none of it would have happened if the previous manager hadn't

left the club after his son was sacked after filming his mates

having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Yes, that's Panama - someone handing over money.

It's a massive exposure of this Panamanian company which sets

up offshore for money-laundering, tax evasion...

RUMBLING OVERHEAD

It's Putin.

LAUGHTER

Various world leaders have been building up stacks of

tax-free cash offshore. What has the president of the UAE been

secretly doing with all his money?

Bought up London property.

Exactly right, yeah.

He's bought £1.2 billion worth of London properties.

He's bought half of Oxford Street and parts of Mayfair.

He didn't get the utilities or the stations, though...

LAUGHTER

..which are actually better value.

On the other hand, it does keep Britain safe, in a way.

Because for as long as the president of Bananistan

has got his ill-gotten money squirrelled away in UK property,

they're not going to attack the UK.

So eventually, you don't need MI5, MI6 and anything,

all you need is Foxton's.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The first casualty of the scandal was Iceland's Prime Minister,

who has been forced to resign.

He's also in danger of having his assets frozen.

Still, that's what happens if you go sunbathing in Reykjavik.

Ronnie Corbett, that one's for you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan.

Lots of people getting out and voting.

This is the various elections we've had.

What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?

We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents.

Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said...

To which, Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded...

It's just that everybody else is outside, pissing into it.

Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city

has come to an end after eight years,

so let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office.

What is going on here?

He looks like a UKip supporter bauble.

LAUGHTER

Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map.

Let's have a look at some footage from the Lib Dem party

conference a few weeks back, just to see how well it's going.

Do you know which political party is having a conference here this week?

I don't know.

Have you any idea?

Do you know which political party has got its conference going

-on here at the moment?

-Yeah, that one, there.

What do you think of them?

What do I think of 'em? Who are they?

LAUGHTER

It's going well. Going well.

Suzanne, surely you must still be tempted to rejoin the Tory party?

-No.

-Leave all those UKip nutters behind?

-No, they're not nutters.

No, no, no.

They're a great bunch of people, Ukip, and I'm sticking with Ukip.

Well, at least, I hope, if they let me back in! Please!

-You're suspended for what, six months?

-Six months.

-Are you going to appeal?

-I absolutely am.

-Try and get a year?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland because people in

Scotland don't trust anyone who looks old but still has teeth.

-JOE WILKINSON:

-That's, er...that's a woman.

Quite a big, can I say that? Big bum?

That's the fella she's with, nice fella.

Did I get it right?

So, what is the story about these people?

There's already a TV series at the minute which just finished

-on BBC Two, and that is The Trial...

-What, with them in it?

..Of OJ Simpson.

Well, Kim Kardashian's father

was one of the men responsible for getting OJ off,

and then he died of karma, I mean, cancer. And then...

APPLAUSE

This is the massive mainstream news

that Kim Kardashian actually came to London this week.

Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity to show

-your knowledge on the Kardashian family.

-No.

So, I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.

Just move on, let's just move on.

I didn't actually know she had sisters.

I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.

APPLAUSE

You know what, it's a dynasty, and it's kind of worth learning about.

I think they've earned their place at this point...

No, what the fuck do they do?!

How have they earned their place?

What do they do?

APPLAUSE

In other femi-news,

where did women narrowly fail to break down a sexist barrier?

Muirfield golf club, they've refused to have women playing golf.

That's it.

And therefore they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.

Do women actually want to join this club?

-I mean, they sound ghastly.

-It does sound awful.

Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?

I'm a member of a couple of clubs.

-Oh, ah!

-Um...

-Tell us.

-Er...

Yeah...?

-Go on.

-Is it the Alzheimer's League?

Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph:

Does he even know how competitive

the "Marry a rich old white guy" market is?

How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit

just to get a free gin and tonic?

And so, to round two. Shall we play a game of Whose Bald Bonce Is This?

-Yes.

-Right, teams, fingers on buzzers.

Here's your first bald bonce.

-BUZZER Who's that?

-Iain Duncan Smith.

-Yes, it is.

-Hooray!

Ian, you made him cry, didn't you?

Um...

APPLAUSE

I did.

I made a documentary about Victorian benefits,

and I asked him some questions about the poor law, and workhouses,

and he suddenly started crying when he told me

about this young girl who had no start in life and he wanted to help.

And then people said, "Well, what did you do when he cried,

"did you comfort him?"

And I said, "No, it's Iain Duncan Smith."

-Who is that?

-Bobby Charlton.

-Right profession.

Somebody old in football, is that it?

He will be thrilled to hear that.

It's Ray Wilkins.

-Why has he been in the news?

-He hasn't.

Suck it up.

This game needs a little bit of refining, I think.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE THEME TUNE

-I've always wanted to do this!

-Fingers on buzzers.

Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?

Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?

You have to press your button! BUZZER

Jason.

-It's us. It's us.

-What?

Oh, sorry.

That's one of the things they test when you go to university,

can you spot a light coming on?

I was looking over there. I didn't know there were lights.

It's nice in the winter months though.

What was the question?

Oh, because there were originally 12 member states.

No.

There is no reason.

There just are 12, arranged in a circle,

that apparently symbolises unity.

Or it may not.

In 1866, Lichtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers

off to the Austro-Prussian War.

What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?

BUZZER

Merton, Merton.

-Do I have to go like this?

-He wasn't at Merton.

Merton, Life.

-BELL Jason, Hislop.

-There was more.

-What?

-There was more, I was going to say.

-Yes, do you know the...?

-I don't know, is that the actual answer?

Yeah, yeah, because when they got there,

they just starting chatting to someone who was dead nice.

-He was really nice.

-Lovely uniform, brass buttons.

-They look after you.

-Yes, 80 went to war. And 81 came back.

They'd...they'd been forbidden to engage in any form of

military combat so none were killed,

and then an Italian joined up because he was looking for work.

BUZZER

A goose has been travelling on the train without a season ticket.

It's been travelling from Brighton to Guildford for the last five years,

and it's not his card, he's using somebody else's.

Well, that's nearly right, but it's a duck on an aeroplane.

Oh, it's a duck on an aeroplane.

This is the news that a duck has been providing comfort

to nervous flyers on a flight across America.

He quacks to soothe his nervous owner and is called an:

Oh, you've just made this up.

According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing:

Brilliant.

If I was having an anxiety attack on a plane,

the sight of a duck in little red boots would not calm me at all.

-Shall we move on to other animal news?

-Why not?

-Other animal news?

-Why not?

-What record has a Peterborough hen set this week?

-Most eggs.

-No, it laid the biggest ever egg. Here it is.

-Wow!

-Whoa!

-Do we not get a picture of the chicken that laid that egg?

No, it's in intensive care, I imagine.

BELL

-Is it Essex women?

-That's it, yes.

The term Essex girl was in the dictionary,

and this is the news that two girls from Essex

are trying to get that term removed.

Collins defines it as:

-Doesn't seem too bad.

-That's all right.

Why would anyone have a problem with that?

And who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?

The Archbishop of Canterbury.

-No, it was a star of Ian's favourite show, Gemma Collins.

-TOWIE?

Here she is.

It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the dictionary,

which, I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.

You know, we should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway,

because, like, it is such an amazing, like,

historical British thing, isn't it?

Every story ever written's in the dictionary.

You've just got to put the words in the right order.

Time now for the odd one out round.

Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer,

-Sara Blizzard, and Dr Henry Heimlich.

-Ah!

Out of all those, Dr Henry Heimlich, who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre,

this was an interesting story last week,

I think he's in a sort of care home now at the age of 96

and a fellow resident started choking,

and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre

and it's the first time ever he's actually been called upon to do it.

And saved this woman's life.

There he's obviously attacking that woman,

so he's got a dark side to him.

-So, who are the other people that you mentioned?

-Marina Stepanova.

-Yeah.

-She does the hurdles. "Steppin' over."

400m hurdles, though. Really high.

APPLAUSE

-Bottom left, Sara Blizzard, did you say?

-Sara Blizzard.

-She's a weather woman.

-Sara Blizzard is a weather presenter

for East Midlands Today,

taking over from the much-loved Karen Pissing-it-down.

Yes, they all have highly appropriate names apart from

MC Hammer who recently revealed that he's scared of hammering.

How did Dr Heimlich play a pivotal role

in the engagement of Carrie Fisher and Dan Ackroyd?

-Did Carrie Fisher do the Heimlich manoeuvre to Dan Ackroyd?

-No.

Dan's doing it to Carrie?

Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre

after she choked on a Brussels sprout.

-I don't know why that's funny.

-Bloody Brussels!

The instance of a name being linked to what you do is known as:

A phrase first suggested by linguistics expert Norman Ative

and his German colleague Dieter Minism.

Oh, wow.

Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

This has got an end of series feel about it, hasn't it?

You wouldn't dare put that on the first show.

-No, all the jokes that got left lying around.

-Scrape them up.

I'll do 'em.

Time now for the missing rounds round. And we start with:

Sandwich.

Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.

New look Spice Girls are back.

The answer is:

Language historian Dr Todd Gray MBE has been researching

Britain's best old-fashioned swear words.

Also including nippy, tarse and wittol.

And before you write in to complain,

I can use these words as it's after the 1648 watershed.

Next:

Pours chocolate sauce over labrador.

Ices own paunch.

That's excellent. I think that's the best answer we've ever had.

Ices his own paunch? That's a fantastic sentence. It's poetry.

That should be the answer to every single question from now on.

Do you know what he did?

And here they are.

Next:

Heads for Mexican border.

APPLAUSE

Bus disguised as brick wall seeks similar.

It's:

Here is the bus.

Next:

If you support Leicester City.

Is it "If you are alive"?

Oh, Ian!

And finally:

Milk!

In bottles. Milk in bottles.

Yeah, in trendy parts of London, they want...they want, um,

-milk in bottles because it's somehow real.

-Yes.

Yes. Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twat.

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Don't put your keys in me, I'm not a handbag yet.

The Empire strikes bake.

Ohhh!

APPLAUSE

They're just bodyguards, don't you think?

To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.

They've got Imperial stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.

Paul Hollywood, little droid.

Mary...

HE HUMS IMPERIAL MARCH FROM STAR WARS

-Are you having one of your turns again, Ian?

-Yeah.

You wanted me to point it out next time it happened, do you remember?

Thanks, thanks, sorry.

He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.

And I leave you with news that

arriving in Brussels for a mini-break,

one woman gets a nasty surprise

as she tries to change her pounds into euros.

APPLAUSE

At Claridge's in London, the chefs react quickly

as Gordon Ramsay falls into the deep fat fryer.

And as more revelations about BHS emerge,

Philip Green poses for a photo shoot

in a doomed attempt to show he's not a prick.

Good night.