Have I Got 2016 News for You Have I Got News for You


Have I Got 2016 News for You

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Have I Got 2016 News for You. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:09

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:240:00:28

MONTAGE: Good evening...

0:00:370:00:38

And welcome... To... Have I Got... News... For You.

0:00:380:00:41

I'm Tracey Ullman.

0:00:410:00:42

I'm Nick Clegg. I'm Gary Lineker.

0:00:420:00:44

I'm Katherine Ryan.

0:00:440:00:45

I'm Stephen Mangan.

0:00:450:00:46

In the news this week, word spreads that Rupert Murdoch

0:00:460:00:49

has rewritten his will to cut out his children.

0:00:490:00:53

MALEVOLENT LAUGHTER

0:00:530:00:55

LAUGHTER

0:00:550:00:59

In Essex, one passenger takes the easy option after foolishly

0:00:590:01:02

asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit.

0:01:020:01:05

LAUGHTER

0:01:070:01:08

And the Republican party put in place measures to ensure

0:01:140:01:17

a scandal-free presidency as Donald Trump spots an attractive

0:01:170:01:20

woman in the crowd.

0:01:200:01:22

LAUGHTER

0:01:240:01:26

This is our new Prime Minister. Not him! Don't have a heart attack!

0:01:320:01:36

Oh, justice being done.

0:01:360:01:38

The Government doesn't have power on its own to trigger

0:01:380:01:41

Article 50 and it has to refer it to Parliament.

0:01:410:01:43

I actually launched a legal challenge to try and stop the

0:01:430:01:45

subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately...

0:01:450:01:48

I think we should have warned the National Grid.

0:01:480:01:51

Because there's going to be a massive upsurge in

0:01:510:01:54

electricity demand as people go to put the kettle on.

0:01:540:01:57

LAUGHTER

0:01:570:01:58

Or switch on their electric chairs.

0:01:580:02:00

LAUGHTER

0:02:000:02:04

There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan for getting out of the EU,

0:02:040:02:07

but Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit

0:02:070:02:11

will definitely be sorted.

0:02:110:02:13

And conference, mark my words -

0:02:130:02:15

we will make breakfast... Brexit! ..a success.

0:02:150:02:19

LAUGHTER

0:02:190:02:22

Could it be that the entire nation has voted under

0:02:250:02:27

a slight misapprehension?

0:02:270:02:29

They're merely wanting breakfast?

0:02:300:02:33

I mean, you were there - she didn't really like many of the Tories,

0:02:330:02:37

-did she? The old ones.

-No.

0:02:370:02:39

LAUGHTER

0:02:390:02:41

-Neither did I, actually, but there we are.

-Did you like her?

0:02:410:02:44

Did you like Theresa May?

0:02:440:02:46

I-I-I... LAUGHTER

0:02:460:02:48

Anyway, the answer...!

0:02:500:02:52

-It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job!

-No!

0:02:520:02:55

-No, I doubt that very much!

-Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?

0:02:550:02:59

No, anyway, moving on. Um...

0:02:590:03:02

Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?

0:03:020:03:04

LAUGHTER

0:03:040:03:07

We had a visit by an American president.

0:03:100:03:12

He said, "unless you stay in the EU, you'll go to the back of the queue",

0:03:120:03:15

which is a mistake with British people, because we think, "Great! Queue!"

0:03:150:03:19

LAUGHTER

0:03:190:03:20

I'll go back again and queue up!

0:03:230:03:25

I feel like I've come to the country far too late, because before

0:03:250:03:29

Britain joined the Common Market, this must have been paradise.

0:03:290:03:32

LAUGHTER

0:03:320:03:34

It really was paradise, wasn't it?

0:03:340:03:36

Only had to go work three days a week...

0:03:360:03:38

So, Eddie, you're pro-EU.

0:03:400:03:42

Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?

0:03:420:03:45

-Thinking people of the United Kingdom?

-No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.

0:03:450:03:48

If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the

0:03:480:03:51

face when he doesn't get a steak, who CAN you trust?

0:03:510:03:54

Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...

0:03:540:03:57

So why is he in favour of it, then?

0:04:000:04:03

-What special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?

-He went home.

0:04:040:04:09

At the time that his wife was expecting him.

0:04:110:04:13

Don't be ridiculous!

0:04:130:04:15

Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter

0:04:160:04:18

thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars.

0:04:180:04:21

Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman.

0:04:210:04:24

LAUGHTER

0:04:260:04:28

-That's... That's scary.

-Yeah.

0:04:300:04:33

Theresa May has inspired the acronym JAM for those who are

0:04:330:04:36

"just about managing",

0:04:360:04:37

although for some reason, she hasn't come up with a term yet

0:04:370:04:40

for those fat cats who are "cleaning up nicely, thanks".

0:04:400:04:43

LAUGHTER

0:04:430:04:46

Ah, yes - this is news that Toblerone

0:04:490:04:51

has changed the shape of its chocolate bars.

0:04:510:04:53

What's happened is that the traditional pyramid shape of

0:04:530:04:57

the Toblerone, in order to save costs,

0:04:570:04:59

they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger.

0:04:590:05:01

As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it.

0:05:010:05:04

There we are. That's very amusing.

0:05:040:05:07

Fantastic! That is great!

0:05:070:05:10

At what point was it not ludicrous that the presenter of The Apprentice

0:05:100:05:13

in America could become the Commander In Chief?

0:05:130:05:16

It's like saying the presenter of Have I Got News for You could

0:05:160:05:18

become Foreign Secretary...

0:05:180:05:20

Anyway.

0:05:200:05:22

Um...!

0:05:220:05:23

Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?

0:05:260:05:29

Yes, there were some brilliant headlines.

0:05:290:05:31

Here is a German newspaper...

0:05:310:05:34

LAUGHTER

0:05:340:05:35

How did Trump echo Martin Luther King in his victory speech?

0:05:370:05:41

Well, Martin Luther King had a dream and...this guy's a nightmare.

0:05:410:05:44

LAUGHTER

0:05:440:05:46

APPLAUSE

0:05:460:05:48

-Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take on The Donald?

-Yes.

-Yes.

0:05:500:05:54

Me.

0:05:540:05:56

-Have you met Donald Trump?

-Never.

0:05:560:05:57

What do you think of him?

0:05:570:05:59

I don't know. Sometimes you see,

0:05:590:06:01

his sort of, the way his hair...

0:06:010:06:03

Something like that,

0:06:030:06:05

and his mouth... Small...

0:06:050:06:07

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:06:090:06:11

JO BRAND: Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row

0:06:140:06:16

and make Hillary feel weird?

0:06:160:06:18

Was it Putin?

0:06:180:06:20

-No...

-Barack's half-brother.

0:06:210:06:23

Yes, indeed, that's right.

0:06:230:06:24

He doesn't like his brother, the president. Do you know why?

0:06:240:06:28

Sibling rivalry.

0:06:280:06:29

LAUGHTER

0:06:290:06:31

Well, I suppose it kind of amounts to that.

0:06:310:06:34

I mean, Malik Obama told ITV...

0:06:340:06:37

LAUGHTER

0:06:400:06:42

Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him.

0:06:440:06:46

One paper has already endorsed him

0:06:460:06:48

on its front page with the headline...

0:06:480:06:50

That's from the Crusader,

0:06:510:06:53

the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan.

0:06:530:06:56

Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred - it's

0:06:560:06:59

got regular lifestyle items with tips on sewing and basic woodwork.

0:06:590:07:03

LAUGHTER

0:07:030:07:07

I think this is the contents of the Queen's speech.

0:07:120:07:14

There wasn't a great deal there, she basically said,

0:07:140:07:16

"I'll see you after the referendum".

0:07:160:07:19

What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?

0:07:190:07:22

-It was the Queen's life with...

-Told with horses.

-Told with horses!

0:07:220:07:26

The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen".

0:07:260:07:31

LAUGHTER

0:07:310:07:33

And the thing about it, I mean, I'm not like a massive royalist,

0:07:330:07:36

but I was just thinking, like, I love Prince Harry, right?

0:07:360:07:39

I think he's brilliant. Probably for all the wrong reasons.

0:07:390:07:42

I thought it would be amazing if he one day ended up as King

0:07:420:07:47

because to have his life acted out by horses...

0:07:470:07:50

LAUGHTER

0:07:500:07:52

Could you imagine? Just...

0:07:520:07:54

The Queen is 90 years old and still going strong.

0:07:560:07:59

-So it's time for our Quick Queen Quiz.

-Right.

-Yes!

0:07:590:08:02

TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE

0:08:020:08:05

To mark the Queen's wartime work as a mechanic,

0:08:060:08:10

what did Kwik-Fit offer to do?

0:08:100:08:12

LAUGHTER

0:08:120:08:14

Get Prince Philip up in the blocks.

0:08:140:08:17

Have a look underneath there...

0:08:180:08:20

They sculpted a portrait out of motoring accessories.

0:08:200:08:23

Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.

0:08:230:08:26

LAUGHTER

0:08:260:08:29

It was called The Queen Of Parts. ..Right.

0:08:290:08:32

German magazine Der Spiegel

0:08:340:08:37

put a touching tribute on their front page.

0:08:370:08:40

LAUGHTER

0:08:400:08:43

It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles!

0:08:430:08:46

LAUGHTER

0:08:460:08:48

Yes, of course, this is the triumph of the Foxes, Leicester City.

0:08:510:08:54

-I know why they won.

-Yes.

-4-4-2.

0:08:540:08:57

Oh, really?

0:08:570:08:59

APPLAUSE

0:08:590:09:01

Tell us about that, Ian.

0:09:030:09:05

Tell us about 4-4-2(!)

0:09:050:09:07

-Um, well, you've got, um...

-Here we go.

0:09:070:09:10

-Ten players together...

-Uh-huh...

0:09:100:09:12

-Four of them are in one bit...

-Yeah...

0:09:120:09:15

LAUGHTER

0:09:150:09:17

Four of them in another and two right over there in another bit.

0:09:170:09:20

They might get relegated next year, that'd be funny, wouldn't it?

0:09:200:09:22

LAUGHTER

0:09:220:09:25

I didn't watch the parade on telly,

0:09:290:09:31

I followed it on the internet.

0:09:310:09:33

You could track Danny Simpson's tag.

0:09:330:09:35

LAUGHTER

0:09:350:09:38

How else are Leicester fans

0:09:420:09:43

capitalising on their team's victory?

0:09:430:09:45

Well, some fans actually are selling jars of Leicester City air...

0:09:460:09:50

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

0:09:500:09:51

-Sorry, I've not...

-No, it's going well.

0:09:520:09:55

They've just opened the lid in the ground and closed it again,

0:09:550:09:57

but it was still a better atmosphere then you get at Arsenal.

0:09:570:10:00

GROANS, APPLAUSE

0:10:000:10:03

Yes, this is the shock result that has turned even non-football fans

0:10:050:10:08

like myself into experts.

0:10:080:10:10

Leicester Rovers have won the Premier Division Cup.

0:10:100:10:13

LAUGHTER

0:10:130:10:15

It's a wonderfully romantic story, and to think,

0:10:150:10:17

none of it would have happened if the previous manager hadn't

0:10:170:10:19

left the club after his son was sacked after filming his mates

0:10:190:10:22

having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.

0:10:220:10:24

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:10:240:10:27

Yes, that's Panama - someone handing over money.

0:10:320:10:35

It's a massive exposure of this Panamanian company which sets

0:10:350:10:40

up offshore for money-laundering, tax evasion...

0:10:400:10:42

RUMBLING OVERHEAD

0:10:420:10:45

It's Putin.

0:10:450:10:46

LAUGHTER

0:10:460:10:48

Various world leaders have been building up stacks of

0:10:480:10:50

tax-free cash offshore. What has the president of the UAE been

0:10:500:10:54

secretly doing with all his money?

0:10:540:10:56

Bought up London property.

0:10:560:10:57

Exactly right, yeah.

0:10:570:10:59

He's bought £1.2 billion worth of London properties.

0:10:590:11:02

He's bought half of Oxford Street and parts of Mayfair.

0:11:020:11:06

He didn't get the utilities or the stations, though...

0:11:060:11:09

LAUGHTER

0:11:090:11:11

..which are actually better value.

0:11:110:11:13

On the other hand, it does keep Britain safe, in a way.

0:11:130:11:17

Because for as long as the president of Bananistan

0:11:170:11:20

has got his ill-gotten money squirrelled away in UK property,

0:11:200:11:24

they're not going to attack the UK.

0:11:240:11:26

So eventually, you don't need MI5, MI6 and anything,

0:11:270:11:31

all you need is Foxton's.

0:11:310:11:33

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:11:330:11:35

The first casualty of the scandal was Iceland's Prime Minister,

0:11:380:11:41

who has been forced to resign.

0:11:410:11:43

He's also in danger of having his assets frozen.

0:11:430:11:47

Still, that's what happens if you go sunbathing in Reykjavik.

0:11:470:11:50

Ronnie Corbett, that one's for you.

0:11:520:11:54

LAUGHTER

0:11:540:11:56

APPLAUSE

0:11:560:11:57

Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan.

0:12:000:12:03

Lots of people getting out and voting.

0:12:030:12:05

This is the various elections we've had.

0:12:060:12:09

What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?

0:12:090:12:13

We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents.

0:12:130:12:16

Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said...

0:12:160:12:19

To which, Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded...

0:12:220:12:24

It's just that everybody else is outside, pissing into it.

0:12:300:12:33

Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city

0:12:330:12:37

has come to an end after eight years,

0:12:370:12:39

so let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office.

0:12:390:12:43

What is going on here?

0:12:430:12:45

He looks like a UKip supporter bauble.

0:12:450:12:48

LAUGHTER

0:12:480:12:50

Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map.

0:12:540:12:59

Let's have a look at some footage from the Lib Dem party

0:12:590:13:02

conference a few weeks back, just to see how well it's going.

0:13:020:13:06

Do you know which political party is having a conference here this week?

0:13:060:13:09

I don't know.

0:13:090:13:11

Have you any idea?

0:13:110:13:12

Do you know which political party has got its conference going

0:13:130:13:16

-on here at the moment?

-Yeah, that one, there.

0:13:160:13:18

What do you think of them?

0:13:180:13:20

What do I think of 'em? Who are they?

0:13:200:13:22

LAUGHTER

0:13:220:13:24

It's going well. Going well.

0:13:240:13:26

Suzanne, surely you must still be tempted to rejoin the Tory party?

0:13:260:13:29

-No.

-Leave all those UKip nutters behind?

-No, they're not nutters.

0:13:290:13:32

No, no, no.

0:13:320:13:34

They're a great bunch of people, Ukip, and I'm sticking with Ukip.

0:13:340:13:36

Well, at least, I hope, if they let me back in! Please!

0:13:360:13:39

-You're suspended for what, six months?

-Six months.

0:13:390:13:41

-Are you going to appeal?

-I absolutely am.

-Try and get a year?

0:13:410:13:44

Yeah.

0:13:440:13:45

LAUGHTER

0:13:450:13:47

APPLAUSE

0:13:470:13:49

Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland because people in

0:13:510:13:54

Scotland don't trust anyone who looks old but still has teeth.

0:13:540:13:58

-JOE WILKINSON:

-That's, er...that's a woman.

0:14:010:14:03

Quite a big, can I say that? Big bum?

0:14:050:14:07

That's the fella she's with, nice fella.

0:14:070:14:10

Did I get it right?

0:14:130:14:14

So, what is the story about these people?

0:14:160:14:18

There's already a TV series at the minute which just finished

0:14:180:14:21

-on BBC Two, and that is The Trial...

-What, with them in it?

0:14:210:14:24

..Of OJ Simpson.

0:14:240:14:26

Well, Kim Kardashian's father

0:14:260:14:28

was one of the men responsible for getting OJ off,

0:14:280:14:31

and then he died of karma, I mean, cancer. And then...

0:14:310:14:33

APPLAUSE

0:14:350:14:37

This is the massive mainstream news

0:14:370:14:39

that Kim Kardashian actually came to London this week.

0:14:390:14:42

Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity to show

0:14:420:14:45

-your knowledge on the Kardashian family.

-No.

0:14:450:14:49

So, I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.

0:14:490:14:53

Just move on, let's just move on.

0:14:560:14:58

I didn't actually know she had sisters.

0:14:580:15:01

I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.

0:15:020:15:06

APPLAUSE

0:15:080:15:10

You know what, it's a dynasty, and it's kind of worth learning about.

0:15:120:15:15

I think they've earned their place at this point...

0:15:150:15:17

No, what the fuck do they do?!

0:15:170:15:19

How have they earned their place?

0:15:190:15:22

What do they do?

0:15:220:15:24

APPLAUSE

0:15:240:15:26

In other femi-news,

0:15:260:15:27

where did women narrowly fail to break down a sexist barrier?

0:15:270:15:31

Muirfield golf club, they've refused to have women playing golf.

0:15:310:15:34

That's it.

0:15:340:15:36

And therefore they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.

0:15:360:15:39

Do women actually want to join this club?

0:15:390:15:41

-I mean, they sound ghastly.

-It does sound awful.

0:15:410:15:44

Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?

0:15:440:15:46

I'm a member of a couple of clubs.

0:15:460:15:48

-Oh, ah!

-Um...

0:15:480:15:50

-Tell us.

-Er...

0:15:500:15:52

Yeah...?

0:15:520:15:54

-Go on.

-Is it the Alzheimer's League?

0:15:550:15:57

Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph:

0:16:020:16:05

Does he even know how competitive

0:16:160:16:18

the "Marry a rich old white guy" market is?

0:16:180:16:20

How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit

0:16:230:16:25

just to get a free gin and tonic?

0:16:250:16:28

And so, to round two. Shall we play a game of Whose Bald Bonce Is This?

0:16:320:16:37

-Yes.

-Right, teams, fingers on buzzers.

0:16:370:16:39

Here's your first bald bonce.

0:16:390:16:41

-BUZZER Who's that?

-Iain Duncan Smith.

0:16:440:16:47

-Yes, it is.

-Hooray!

0:16:470:16:48

Ian, you made him cry, didn't you?

0:16:480:16:51

Um...

0:16:520:16:53

APPLAUSE

0:16:530:16:56

I did.

0:16:580:16:59

I made a documentary about Victorian benefits,

0:16:590:17:03

and I asked him some questions about the poor law, and workhouses,

0:17:030:17:07

and he suddenly started crying when he told me

0:17:070:17:10

about this young girl who had no start in life and he wanted to help.

0:17:100:17:16

And then people said, "Well, what did you do when he cried,

0:17:160:17:20

"did you comfort him?"

0:17:200:17:21

And I said, "No, it's Iain Duncan Smith."

0:17:210:17:24

-Who is that?

-Bobby Charlton.

-Right profession.

0:17:280:17:32

Somebody old in football, is that it?

0:17:320:17:34

He will be thrilled to hear that.

0:17:340:17:36

It's Ray Wilkins.

0:17:360:17:38

-Why has he been in the news?

-He hasn't.

0:17:380:17:40

Suck it up.

0:17:470:17:48

This game needs a little bit of refining, I think.

0:17:510:17:54

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE THEME TUNE

0:17:580:18:01

-I've always wanted to do this!

-Fingers on buzzers.

0:18:030:18:06

Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?

0:18:060:18:08

Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?

0:18:080:18:11

You have to press your button! BUZZER

0:18:110:18:13

Jason.

0:18:130:18:15

-It's us. It's us.

-What?

0:18:170:18:20

Oh, sorry.

0:18:210:18:23

That's one of the things they test when you go to university,

0:18:230:18:25

can you spot a light coming on?

0:18:250:18:27

I was looking over there. I didn't know there were lights.

0:18:290:18:31

It's nice in the winter months though.

0:18:310:18:35

What was the question?

0:18:350:18:37

Oh, because there were originally 12 member states.

0:18:370:18:39

No.

0:18:390:18:41

There is no reason.

0:18:410:18:43

There just are 12, arranged in a circle,

0:18:430:18:45

that apparently symbolises unity.

0:18:450:18:48

Or it may not.

0:18:480:18:49

In 1866, Lichtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers

0:18:500:18:55

off to the Austro-Prussian War.

0:18:550:18:57

What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?

0:18:570:19:00

BUZZER

0:19:000:19:02

Merton, Merton.

0:19:020:19:03

-Do I have to go like this?

-He wasn't at Merton.

0:19:050:19:09

Merton, Life.

0:19:110:19:13

-BELL Jason, Hislop.

-There was more.

0:19:170:19:19

-What?

-There was more, I was going to say.

0:19:190:19:21

-Yes, do you know the...?

-I don't know, is that the actual answer?

0:19:210:19:24

Yeah, yeah, because when they got there,

0:19:260:19:28

they just starting chatting to someone who was dead nice.

0:19:280:19:31

-He was really nice.

-Lovely uniform, brass buttons.

0:19:310:19:34

-They look after you.

-Yes, 80 went to war. And 81 came back.

0:19:340:19:37

They'd...they'd been forbidden to engage in any form of

0:19:390:19:42

military combat so none were killed,

0:19:420:19:44

and then an Italian joined up because he was looking for work.

0:19:440:19:47

BUZZER

0:19:530:19:54

A goose has been travelling on the train without a season ticket.

0:19:540:19:57

It's been travelling from Brighton to Guildford for the last five years,

0:19:570:20:00

and it's not his card, he's using somebody else's.

0:20:000:20:03

Well, that's nearly right, but it's a duck on an aeroplane.

0:20:030:20:06

Oh, it's a duck on an aeroplane.

0:20:060:20:08

This is the news that a duck has been providing comfort

0:20:080:20:11

to nervous flyers on a flight across America.

0:20:110:20:14

He quacks to soothe his nervous owner and is called an:

0:20:140:20:18

Oh, you've just made this up.

0:20:210:20:22

According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing:

0:20:220:20:26

Brilliant.

0:20:280:20:29

If I was having an anxiety attack on a plane,

0:20:290:20:31

the sight of a duck in little red boots would not calm me at all.

0:20:310:20:37

-Shall we move on to other animal news?

-Why not?

-Other animal news?

0:20:370:20:40

-Why not?

-What record has a Peterborough hen set this week?

0:20:400:20:44

-Most eggs.

-No, it laid the biggest ever egg. Here it is.

-Wow!

0:20:440:20:48

-Whoa!

-Do we not get a picture of the chicken that laid that egg?

0:20:500:20:54

No, it's in intensive care, I imagine.

0:20:540:20:57

BELL

0:21:020:21:03

-Is it Essex women?

-That's it, yes.

0:21:030:21:05

The term Essex girl was in the dictionary,

0:21:050:21:08

and this is the news that two girls from Essex

0:21:080:21:11

are trying to get that term removed.

0:21:110:21:14

Collins defines it as:

0:21:140:21:15

-Doesn't seem too bad.

-That's all right.

0:21:180:21:20

Why would anyone have a problem with that?

0:21:270:21:30

And who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?

0:21:300:21:34

The Archbishop of Canterbury.

0:21:340:21:35

-No, it was a star of Ian's favourite show, Gemma Collins.

-TOWIE?

0:21:350:21:40

Here she is.

0:21:400:21:41

It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the dictionary,

0:21:410:21:45

which, I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.

0:21:450:21:48

You know, we should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway,

0:21:480:21:51

because, like, it is such an amazing, like,

0:21:510:21:55

historical British thing, isn't it?

0:21:550:21:57

Every story ever written's in the dictionary.

0:21:590:22:02

You've just got to put the words in the right order.

0:22:020:22:04

Time now for the odd one out round.

0:22:060:22:08

Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer,

0:22:080:22:11

-Sara Blizzard, and Dr Henry Heimlich.

-Ah!

0:22:110:22:14

Out of all those, Dr Henry Heimlich, who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre,

0:22:140:22:18

this was an interesting story last week,

0:22:180:22:19

I think he's in a sort of care home now at the age of 96

0:22:190:22:23

and a fellow resident started choking,

0:22:230:22:25

and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre

0:22:250:22:28

and it's the first time ever he's actually been called upon to do it.

0:22:280:22:32

And saved this woman's life.

0:22:320:22:34

There he's obviously attacking that woman,

0:22:340:22:35

so he's got a dark side to him.

0:22:350:22:39

-So, who are the other people that you mentioned?

-Marina Stepanova.

0:22:390:22:43

-Yeah.

-She does the hurdles. "Steppin' over."

0:22:430:22:46

400m hurdles, though. Really high.

0:22:470:22:50

APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:55

-Bottom left, Sara Blizzard, did you say?

-Sara Blizzard.

0:22:560:22:59

-She's a weather woman.

-Sara Blizzard is a weather presenter

0:22:590:23:01

for East Midlands Today,

0:23:010:23:03

taking over from the much-loved Karen Pissing-it-down.

0:23:030:23:06

Yes, they all have highly appropriate names apart from

0:23:080:23:10

MC Hammer who recently revealed that he's scared of hammering.

0:23:100:23:13

How did Dr Heimlich play a pivotal role

0:23:130:23:15

in the engagement of Carrie Fisher and Dan Ackroyd?

0:23:150:23:18

-Did Carrie Fisher do the Heimlich manoeuvre to Dan Ackroyd?

-No.

0:23:200:23:22

Dan's doing it to Carrie?

0:23:220:23:24

Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre

0:23:240:23:27

after she choked on a Brussels sprout.

0:23:270:23:29

-I don't know why that's funny.

-Bloody Brussels!

0:23:290:23:31

The instance of a name being linked to what you do is known as:

0:23:380:23:42

A phrase first suggested by linguistics expert Norman Ative

0:23:430:23:47

and his German colleague Dieter Minism.

0:23:470:23:50

Oh, wow.

0:23:520:23:53

Brilliant.

0:23:530:23:55

APPLAUSE

0:23:550:23:58

This has got an end of series feel about it, hasn't it?

0:24:010:24:04

You wouldn't dare put that on the first show.

0:24:040:24:06

-No, all the jokes that got left lying around.

-Scrape them up.

0:24:060:24:09

I'll do 'em.

0:24:090:24:11

Time now for the missing rounds round. And we start with:

0:24:130:24:17

Sandwich.

0:24:220:24:23

Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.

0:24:250:24:28

New look Spice Girls are back.

0:24:300:24:32

The answer is:

0:24:370:24:39

Language historian Dr Todd Gray MBE has been researching

0:24:420:24:45

Britain's best old-fashioned swear words.

0:24:450:24:48

Also including nippy, tarse and wittol.

0:24:480:24:50

And before you write in to complain,

0:24:500:24:52

I can use these words as it's after the 1648 watershed.

0:24:520:24:55

Next:

0:24:560:24:58

Pours chocolate sauce over labrador.

0:25:000:25:02

Ices own paunch.

0:25:030:25:05

That's excellent. I think that's the best answer we've ever had.

0:25:080:25:12

Ices his own paunch? That's a fantastic sentence. It's poetry.

0:25:140:25:19

That should be the answer to every single question from now on.

0:25:190:25:23

Do you know what he did?

0:25:230:25:24

And here they are.

0:25:270:25:29

Next:

0:25:310:25:33

Heads for Mexican border.

0:25:340:25:37

APPLAUSE

0:25:400:25:42

Bus disguised as brick wall seeks similar.

0:25:420:25:47

It's:

0:25:490:25:51

Here is the bus.

0:25:530:25:54

Next:

0:25:560:25:57

If you support Leicester City.

0:26:030:26:06

Is it "If you are alive"?

0:26:060:26:08

Oh, Ian!

0:26:110:26:13

And finally:

0:26:220:26:24

Milk!

0:26:270:26:29

In bottles. Milk in bottles.

0:26:290:26:30

Yeah, in trendy parts of London, they want...they want, um,

0:26:300:26:34

-milk in bottles because it's somehow real.

-Yes.

0:26:340:26:38

Yes. Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twat.

0:26:420:26:46

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:26:500:26:54

Don't put your keys in me, I'm not a handbag yet.

0:26:540:26:57

The Empire strikes bake.

0:27:000:27:01

Ohhh!

0:27:030:27:04

APPLAUSE

0:27:040:27:06

They're just bodyguards, don't you think?

0:27:060:27:08

To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.

0:27:080:27:10

They've got Imperial stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.

0:27:120:27:16

Paul Hollywood, little droid.

0:27:160:27:19

Mary...

0:27:200:27:21

HE HUMS IMPERIAL MARCH FROM STAR WARS

0:27:210:27:24

-Are you having one of your turns again, Ian?

-Yeah.

0:27:270:27:30

You wanted me to point it out next time it happened, do you remember?

0:27:310:27:34

Thanks, thanks, sorry.

0:27:340:27:36

He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.

0:27:360:27:40

And I leave you with news that

0:27:410:27:43

arriving in Brussels for a mini-break,

0:27:430:27:46

one woman gets a nasty surprise

0:27:460:27:48

as she tries to change her pounds into euros.

0:27:480:27:51

APPLAUSE

0:27:530:27:57

At Claridge's in London, the chefs react quickly

0:27:580:28:00

as Gordon Ramsay falls into the deep fat fryer.

0:28:000:28:03

And as more revelations about BHS emerge,

0:28:070:28:10

Philip Green poses for a photo shoot

0:28:100:28:12

in a doomed attempt to show he's not a prick.

0:28:120:28:15

Good night.

0:28:210:28:22

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS