Episode 5 Have I Got News for You


Episode 5

Regular team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Victoria Coren Mitchell and guest panellists Andy Hamilton and Tim Loughton.


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Transcript


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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week...

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On the BBC, there are accusations of sexism

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as a male presenter tells his female co-presenters

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to get his breakfast.

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Bagel with scrambled eggs, half a bagel with peanut butter,

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a smoothie of milk, bananas and berries

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and a whole cantaloupe.

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In a house in Oxfordshire, a knock on the door

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announces Michael Heseltine has arrived for tea.

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And in Surrey, before they even arrive at the scene,

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firefighters realise the blaze they've been called to

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is at the Ann Summers warehouse.

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On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP

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who believes that some people show contempt for politicians

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because of unhelpful portrayals in the media.

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Please welcome the shifty, time-serving,

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waste of taxpayers' money Tim Loughton MP.

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-APPLAUSE

-Thanks a bunch(!)

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Great start!

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian who crowdsourced his recent novel

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by having dinner at fans' houses for £500,

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which seems like a good deal,

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but he can drink £700-worth of wine.

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Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Tim, take a look at this.

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Oh. Justice...being done.

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New shoot-to-kill policy on blondes on zip wires.

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And that's an army of Remainers.

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"Double, double, Brexit trouble."

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Yes, well, it's a bit of a good day for you, isn't it?

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It's a very bad day for us.

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I thought this is what you wanted.

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British courts deciding British decisions.

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APPLAUSE

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We...we don't need these experts

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telling MPs what to do, for goodness' sake.

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-We've got the electorate for that.

-I've got some advice for you.

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-Oh, dear.

-If you don't like the result,

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I'd appeal to the European Court of Justice.

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17.4 million people,

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more than have ever voted for anything in this country, ever,

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voted to free us from the European tyranny,

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and it's going to happen.

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Get real, get with it.

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SCATTERED APPLAUSE

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You had a result decided by the judges and...

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Just what bit of it don't you get?

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I mean, you can't just have another decision in court,

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just because you want one.

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Accept the decision.

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APPLAUSE

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-OK...

-I mean, just moaning on

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about how you don't like it.

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Suck it up!

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-When we have a referendum, which isn't very often...

-No.

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..that means that we think

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the people should have the final decision.

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-Yeah.

-And we gave it to them. They made the final decision.

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So, let's get on with it.

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So, you have no problem with this decision.

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This is a topical satire show?

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Are we having a political discussion?

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We're waiting for the show to start.

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We can use this bit as landfill.

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What is it, exactly, that the High Court has ruled?

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The government doesn't have the power on its own

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to trigger Article 50 and has to refer it to Parliament.

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I actually launched a legal challenge

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to try and stop the subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately...

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I think if we were going to kick off with it,

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we should have warned the National Grid,

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because there's going to be

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a massive upsurge in electricity demand

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as people go to put the kettle on.

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Or to switch on their electric chairs.

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What do we know about the judges who made the High Court ruling?

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-Uh...

-They are...they are elderly men.

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Well, no.

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No. They're not elderly men.

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They dress up in tights when they're not at work.

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-You may regret saying that.

-Right...

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The Daily Mail looked into these judges and revealed...

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Does it mean we're staying in the EU?

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I think it means...

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I was watching Nigel Farage -

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not through a pair of binoculars, in his house -

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he was on the television.

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And he was, sort of, ranting and raving about betrayal.

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But I think there's...part of him always wants to be betrayed.

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It's like a sort of S&M thing.

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What is Nigel Farage going to do about it?

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Go down to the pub? Have a few more fags?

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No - not go down the pub. Nigel Farage has said...

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That is sad. When is this poor man going to get his life back?

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I mean, all he wants is to slide away, quietly,

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into the autumn of his life,

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and people keep dragging him into the spotlight.

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Just leave the man alone.

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Which treacherous, lefty, out-of-touch luvvie...?

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-Yeah...Prince Philip.

-..has been insulting the will...?

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It's not?

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He's a hot-headed young radical.

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David Attenborough, of course.

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-Oh, yes! Yes.

-He said that people

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shouldn't have been allowed a referendum, didn't he?

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-What?!

-Yes.

-Indeed.

-David Attenborough said...

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..or someone like Keith Vaz.

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He's just been elected back onto an influential Select Committee -

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the Justice Committee.

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And who would be more worthy of a place on the Justice Committee

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than a man who is under investigation

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for trying to buy drugs for rent boys behind his wife's back?

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You took over from him

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-when he was thrown off the last committee.

-I did.

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I took over as the interim chairman

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of the Home Affairs Select Committee,

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when he had his little local difficulty

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with the washing machine salesman...routine.

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INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman.

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Not any old washing machine salesman.

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INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman.

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-He had to boast, even in character.

-He did. He did.

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He was Jim, the big washing machine guy.

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Absolutely. With the really big load.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANING

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How on earth is he now on another committee?

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Don't ask me, I didn't vote for him.

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Yeah, but the Tories backed him. Why?

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Because the Labour Party nominated him,

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and it is up to them to nominate a Labour MP to go on the committee,

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and it was up to us to say, "Oh, all right, then," apparently.

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And I didn't, because it wasn't.

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So, it's pretty disgraceful of both of them.

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Yeah. He shouldn't be on the committee.

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Right, well, that's that sorted.

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Tim, have you ever, sort of, backed the wrong horse, or...?

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I make a career of backing the wrong horse, yeah.

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Which particular horse are you referring to?

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I was wondering if you're delighted

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to see Theresa May, you know, Prime Minister?

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She's fantastic. Love Theresa May.

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Fantastic woman making a great Prime Minister.

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IAN LAUGHS What I don't understand is how...

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What are you laughing about? It's true. Fantastic.

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That's the best joke I've heard yet.

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APPLAUSE

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17 points ahead in the opinion polls.

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Yeah, pretty good, but if only we had

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Prime Minister Andrea Leadsom, who you backed...

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Yeah...she would be...

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-The country would be completely different now.

-Even better.

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-Do you think so?

-But we've got Mother Teresa and she's fantastic.

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This is despite...

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I thought that was the whole point, that she wasn't a mother.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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-Brought up by your candidate.

-Controversial.

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How she came to be Prime Minister when your wonderful campaign

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chant for Andrea Leadsom...

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Let's have a look at the clip from BuzzFeed.

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-What do we want?!

-ALL:

-Leadsom for leader!

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-When do we want it?!

-Now!

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HE CHEERS

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AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

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That's the way you have a demonstration.

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No police, no Molotov cocktails, no need for water cannons...

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Not many people.

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It was a great march on Parliament. Everyone had a very nice afternoon.

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Are you allowed to march on Parliament?

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No, apparently I committed an offence

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by having an unlicensed march.

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Basically, that is a revolution.

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This is the High Court ruling over whether Parliament should

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be allowed to vote on triggering Article 50.

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The Mail Online was quick to respond...

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While the Telegraph Online was first with even hotter breaking news...

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According to the Telegraph, Nigel Farage

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has been wooed by producers of I'm A Celebrity and offered £750,000.

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When first offered the chance to appear on I'm A Celebrity,

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Nigel Farage said...

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But he's reconsidering now they've explained it's in Australia,

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not Calais.

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-Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

-FBI.

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Clinton, there's more stuff coming through.

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-That's somebody sticking pins in her.

-Pins in her eyes.

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That's very amusing.

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Trump keeps saying that there is a conspiracy to ensure that

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he can't win and I do hope he's right.

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Seriously, it would be quite irresponsible in the

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circumstances if they weren't trying to rig the election against him

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because the man is mentally ill.

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They've seen him coming for some time,

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I reckon they've probably built a sort of

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secondary White House which looks like the real one but isn't.

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And TV videos that show walls being built which aren't being built.

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It's a reality TV show, he will never know the difference.

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But it's a very rare American election where you think that,

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whoever wins, one of them will put the other one in jail.

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That's if he stops there. He might burn her as a witch.

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He is up against the worst opponent in any American election in history.

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This latest cache of e-mails is about a catastrophic lack of

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judgment by Hillary.

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She refused to sack her leading aide when she was married to

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-a bloke called Weiner...

-Mm.

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..who showed his wiener to young girls by sending them texts.

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If Trump is up there with being sleazy and unpleasant, immediately

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there is another sleazy and unpleasant story on the other side.

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If they got Bernie Sanders in or Colonel Sanders, anybody...

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..they would have won by now.

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How did Hillary Clinton explain putting her e-mails

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on this private server?

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She said it was because she was scared they would be leaked

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to the other side.

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She couldn't be bothered to carry around an extra smartphone,

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-she said.

-Oh, well, that's a better excuse.

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Where do you carry your extra smartphone, Andy?

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I don't have a smartphone, Victoria. I don't have a phone.

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What do you mean?

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I don't carry a mobile.

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Don't look at me...

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Where do you keep yours, Paul?

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I have a telephone box at the end of my road

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which I carry around. No, I don't have a mobile or do e-mail.

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-Are you ghosts?

-Yes.

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I think I might be a ghost because I had an experience at

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Gatwick Airport a few years back.

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They had done some building work and they had this system whereby

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-you had to be photographed on your way in...

-Oh, my God.

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..and the computer wouldn't take a photo of me.

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So the security guy said, "I think it might be your hat.

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"Take your hat off."

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I took my hat off and then he said, "Take your scarf off."

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I took my scarf off, still no photo from the computer.

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Then he said, "Maybe it's your jacket." I took off my jacket.

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-Then I said, "Have we got a problem here?"

-Yeah, kiss me.

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You really fall for the easiest things, don't you?

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Do you know what his explanation was?

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He said to me, "I think the problem might be that the computer

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"doesn't recognise your face...

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"as a face."

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So maybe I am a ghost. Maybe you're right.

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What was the immediate impact of the reopening of this FBI inquiry

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-into the e-mails?

-The polls narrowed.

-Yeah.

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What's Donald Trump's view of polls?

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They are completely unreliable unless he's in front.

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He has traditionally said...

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And he has gone neck and neck in the polls and he said...

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Hopefully, humanity will dodge a bullet on Tuesday.

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But if Trump does get elected...

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Hopefully Trump won't dodge the bullet!

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APPLAUSE

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-Look at them.

-They're applauding the assassination...

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-You're sick people.

-That's where we have been taken to.

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Sick people!

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That's why you don't give people the vote in referendums.

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-They are happy to endorse murder.

-Let's go for it.

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If we all do it, they can't blame one of us.

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I'm slightly worried in the name of balance that we're making

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it look like there's only two candidates in the American election.

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There are others, there's libertarian Gary Johnson, of course.

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Did you see how well he dealt with a tough question this week?

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As a fiscal conservative,

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how do you explain that when you were elected governor of New Mexico,

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you inherited a debt of 1.8 billion

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but left office with a debt of 4.6 billion?

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Erm, that is absolutely horse shit.

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You can buy a lot of horse shit for that, I tell you.

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-He has also used the noun as an adjective, hasn't he?

-I know.

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It can't be "absolutely" horse shit.

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It's either absolute horse shit or it's absolutely horse shitty.

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Finally, in related news, what did someone with access to the

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internet and too much time on their hands create this week?

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Somebody accessing the internet with too much time on their hands?

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Who could that be?

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-They made something beautiful. Shall we have a look?

-Yes.

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Stop it, stop it! We have to stop looking at it.

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-I think the Daily Mail have got their new lovechild scandal.

-Yeah.

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God, that is terribly frightening.

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It is frightening. Let's stop looking at it.

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-People will have nightmares.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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This is the news that the American people could be about to

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elect their worst president in US history, or a worse one.

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Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him.

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One paper has already endorsed him

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on its front page with the headline...

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That's from The Crusader,

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the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan.

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Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred.

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It's got regular lifestyle items

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with tips on sewing and basic woodwork.

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APPLAUSE

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And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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Yes, the Russians are spying on us via the internet,

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and everything is connected to the internet these days -

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refrigerators, kettles, everything like that, so they can sort of...

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They can basically take over all our lives without us knowing.

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Well, that's it.

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I mean, this is the idea that the act of Russian warfare

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that comes next will be invading our homes via our kettles.

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Yes, the hackers use your kettle's default password

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to take control of it and...

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Hang on, your kettle has a default password?

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-I mean, your kettle probably doesn't.

-My kettle doesn't, no.

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-No, but if you have a smart kettle...

-A smart kettle?

-Ah.

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Yes, you can boil water from another room.

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Can you boil a kettle in somebody else's house

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-without their permission?

-Yes! Well...

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That's how Putin could launch an invasion -

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all our kettles could spontaneously start boiling.

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Everybody rushes to make a cup of tea and he's coming across

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-the Straits of Dover.

-Straight in.

-But you're joking, but...

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-I mean, this is happening.

-No, it's not really happening, Ian.

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Isn't it? Any minute now.

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The kettles thing, that was just... I made that up.

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-No, you see, you didn't make it up.

-I did make it up.

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They can take over the kettle via a password and...

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Yeah, this did happen last week.

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There was a crash when all sorts of bits of the internet

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were unavailable and fell apart after they were hacked into.

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It made a huge difference to my life.

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I couldn't get on Twitter,

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Instagram, I was taking pictures of my lunch...

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You had to get an Uber car instead of your regular hansom cab.

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-Not just kettles. I mean, what else? What other...?

-Fridges.

-Toasters.

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-Yes.

-Toasters are the worst.

-Electric can openers.

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-Toasters...

-Webcams, baby monitors, printers, routers...

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You must have some of these things.

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I have a baby monitor, yes, but that kind of was a foolish purchase,

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really, because I don't have any children.

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Aren't we protected by the fact that we've got very slow broadband?

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-Yeah.

-Why should we not be worried about Russia's aggressive posturing,

0:18:010:18:06

according to Professor Mark Almond?

0:18:060:18:09

Erm, they're...

0:18:090:18:10

-Has somebody hacked into you?

-Yeah!

0:18:120:18:15

APPLAUSE

0:18:150:18:17

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Mr Putin has a reasonable regard for...

0:18:190:18:22

What was the sinister domestic development in the world of

0:18:350:18:39

cyber-spying this week?

0:18:390:18:41

Your fridge could be communicating to the Russian Embassy

0:18:410:18:45

-exactly how long the fish fingers have been in there.

-Yeah.

0:18:450:18:48

-No...

-No?

0:18:480:18:50

..but your fridge could be communicating with your

0:18:500:18:53

insurance company, to see what kind of risk you are.

0:18:530:18:57

Apparently, they could look into your smart fridge,

0:18:570:19:00

or indeed your smart toilet, to see how healthy you are.

0:19:000:19:03

-I'm sorry...

-Urgh!

0:19:030:19:04

How can they possibly look into your toilet?

0:19:050:19:09

Presumably a smart toilet checks on your regularity

0:19:090:19:12

-and so could give that to the insurance.

-Precisely.

0:19:120:19:14

And the smart fridge would say, you know,

0:19:140:19:16

"That stuff's well past its sell-by but he's eating it anyway."

0:19:160:19:20

So the fridge is talking to the loo -

0:19:200:19:21

"Yeah, four ounces of food about 20 minutes ago.

0:19:210:19:24

"Let's see what happens later."

0:19:240:19:26

-Yes...

-What do you mean, yes?!

0:19:270:19:29

Yes doesn't come into this!

0:19:320:19:34

This is the one conversation where yes has no role.

0:19:340:19:38

-I suppose the fridge could warn the toilet, couldn't it?

-Yeah.

0:19:380:19:41

-It could say...

-"He's had some vegetable spring rolls.

0:19:410:19:46

"Tell the window to lift itself up."

0:19:460:19:48

I welcome a Trump presidency after all this!

0:19:500:19:53

Anything to rid us of these robot toilets.

0:19:540:19:57

This is the warning that Britain is under increased threat

0:19:570:20:00

of cyberattacks from Russia.

0:20:000:20:01

Before you get too worried,

0:20:010:20:03

experts have assured the public that Russian cyberattacks

0:20:030:20:05

will only be able to target one or two vulnerable TVs in the country,

0:20:050:20:08

so you needn't worry unless you suddenly experience

0:20:080:20:10

interference with your picture.

0:20:100:20:11

NATIONAL ANTHEM OF THE USSR PLAYS

0:20:130:20:18

Thanks to the internet of things, hackers can now target

0:20:220:20:25

any household object which could be controlled online, including...

0:20:250:20:28

It's impossible to know which kettles have been compromised

0:20:300:20:32

as these days there are hardly any whistle-blowers.

0:20:320:20:34

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:20:340:20:36

I hope that whole story wasn't made up just for that joke!

0:20:360:20:40

I've got strong suspicions it might have been.

0:20:410:20:44

OK, here's another one. Fingers on buzzers.

0:20:440:20:46

What the bloody hell's that about?

0:20:500:20:53

BUZZER

0:20:530:20:54

The only calendar story I can recall is about the Dull Men Club,

0:20:540:20:57

or something. They've brought out a calendar.

0:20:570:20:59

They said there's not enough dull women around,

0:20:590:21:01

-so this is their attempt to be all-embracing.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

0:21:010:21:04

This is the news that the Dull Men's Club calendar

0:21:040:21:07

is going to feature women for the first time.

0:21:070:21:09

Including the curator of the Pencil Museum.

0:21:090:21:11

A particular favourite of yours?

0:21:110:21:13

Well, there's not much point to it, really, but, yes, it's...

0:21:130:21:16

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:21:160:21:17

Tough crowd!

0:21:170:21:18

Also featured in the calendar is Amanda Hone, who quit her job

0:21:200:21:23

and spent a year travelling round the country following signs.

0:21:230:21:26

-What kind of signs?

-You're going the wrong way?

0:21:260:21:28

Amanda is a big fan of...

0:21:290:21:31

-Ah.

-Here she is...

-Brown signs!

0:21:320:21:34

Oh, right, that's a brown sign. Yeah, OK. That's fair enough.

0:21:340:21:37

I know that sign. I've been to both of those places.

0:21:370:21:40

There's this thing called the Dull Men's Club, Ian, if you want to...

0:21:400:21:44

APPLAUSE

0:21:450:21:47

-He's the life president.

-Oh, right!

0:21:470:21:50

What does Amanda's husband think of her brown signs?

0:21:500:21:52

Er, he's...

0:21:520:21:53

-Has she got a husband?

-Yes, and even more than that.

0:21:560:21:58

According to Amanda...

0:22:020:22:04

It's been a big week for women.

0:22:100:22:12

Shall we have a look at the momentous announcement

0:22:120:22:15

-of the Church of Wales's first female bishop?

-Yes.

0:22:150:22:17

Quite a turnout.

0:22:170:22:18

It gives me enormous pleasure to announce

0:22:180:22:22

that the bishop elect of St David's

0:22:220:22:24

is Canon Joanna Penberthy, who is the rector of Glan Ithon

0:22:240:22:29

in the diocese of Swansea and Brecon.

0:22:290:22:32

That's a parish that's centred on Llandrindod Wells.

0:22:320:22:36

APPLAUSE

0:22:370:22:40

Why are they so far away?

0:22:430:22:45

I think the bishop's got a bit of a reputation.

0:22:450:22:49

They've realised those concrete posts aren't enough,

0:22:510:22:54

so they've put a traffic cone as well to deter him.

0:22:540:22:57

This is the news that women are to be featured for the first time

0:22:570:23:00

on the calendar of the Dull Men's Club.

0:23:000:23:03

Three of the Dull Women include...

0:23:030:23:04

Might sound dull to you, but what a team they'd make on Only Connect.

0:23:090:23:12

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.

0:23:120:23:16

Your four are Michael Gove,

0:23:160:23:19

Miss Prism,

0:23:190:23:20

Victoria Beckham

0:23:200:23:22

and David Cameron.

0:23:220:23:23

Miss Prism, The Importance Of Being Earnest.

0:23:230:23:26

Worthing - lost a child in a handbag at Victoria Station.

0:23:260:23:29

David Cameron unfortunately forgot his daughter Nancy was at the pub.

0:23:290:23:35

And Michael Gove tried to emulate his former friend David Cameron

0:23:350:23:39

and went dad dancing with Rachel Johnson

0:23:390:23:41

and left the 11-year-old wandering around the hotel, apparently.

0:23:410:23:45

You're definitely in the right world with lost children.

0:23:450:23:47

They've all lost a child except Miss Prism,

0:23:470:23:50

who lost the manuscript to her novel.

0:23:500:23:53

I'm just telling the story like it is.

0:23:550:23:57

-TIM:

-And Victoria Beckham, has she gained a child or something?

0:23:570:24:01

Has she adopted a few?

0:24:010:24:02

You are certainly in the right direction.

0:24:020:24:04

Michael Gove's usually the odd one out, isn't he?

0:24:040:24:06

Michael Gove DELIBERATELY left his child in the hotel room.

0:24:060:24:10

All the others have mislaid children.

0:24:100:24:12

Oh, right.

0:24:120:24:13

Victoria Beckham forgot her son Brooklyn. She said...

0:24:130:24:18

Michael Gove and Sarah Vine, his wife,

0:24:250:24:28

took the deliberate decision to leave their child in a hotel room

0:24:280:24:32

while they went to a party.

0:24:320:24:33

Be careful, some bitchy columnist could have a field day with that.

0:24:330:24:36

The hotel staff were aware of the situation,

0:24:370:24:40

but what caused them concern later on?

0:24:400:24:42

Was he wandering around the corridor?

0:24:420:24:44

He was wandering the corridors at 1.30 in the morning, an 11-year-old!

0:24:440:24:47

Perhaps a minibar rang the police.

0:24:470:24:49

-ANDY:

-He was distressed, apparently.

0:24:510:24:53

He said, "I think I might be the son of Michael Gove."

0:24:530:24:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:560:24:59

You mentioned earlier Rachel Johnson,

0:25:000:25:03

the writer, Boris's sister.

0:25:030:25:04

She was also at the Cheltenham Literary Festival,

0:25:040:25:06

what the party was for.

0:25:060:25:08

She made an excuse for the Goves. What was her excuse?

0:25:080:25:11

They were both completely drunk.

0:25:110:25:13

No.

0:25:130:25:14

If they'd left the dogs unattended,

0:25:200:25:21

Michael Heseltine might creep in and strangle them.

0:25:210:25:24

David Cameron left his daughter behind after a pub lunch.

0:25:270:25:30

On another occasion, Cameron couldn't find his children

0:25:300:25:32

during a football match at West Ham,

0:25:320:25:34

only to discover they were safe and well at Aston Villa.

0:25:340:25:37

APPLAUSE

0:25:370:25:40

Time now for the Missing Words round,

0:25:430:25:45

which this week features as its guest publication

0:25:450:25:48

Concertina World, the best concertina magazine there is.

0:25:480:25:51

ACCORDION to those in the know.

0:25:510:25:54

AUNDIENCE GROANS And we start with...

0:25:540:25:56

Decided against having any pudding.

0:26:000:26:04

Thought about putting his concertina in the freezer.

0:26:050:26:08

Maximus was having climate problems with his concertina

0:26:080:26:11

in the tropical rainforest and was told by another forum user...

0:26:110:26:13

Then again, it's hard to find any environment

0:26:160:26:18

that isn't hostile to the concertina.

0:26:180:26:20

Next...

0:26:200:26:21

Head-butts wasp.

0:26:240:26:26

Licks an ocelot.

0:26:260:26:27

That's close, isn't it?

0:26:270:26:30

-It is close.

-It must be.

0:26:300:26:32

Man trying to impress girls at zoo

0:26:320:26:34

gets in tussle with panda.

0:26:340:26:36

The man who fought a panda was left with two black eyes,

0:26:360:26:39

which only made him more attractive to the pandas.

0:26:390:26:42

Finally, pudgy older fathers...what?

0:26:420:26:45

I read this, they're incredibly attractive to women.

0:26:450:26:48

Yes, very attractive to women.

0:26:480:26:50

Very attractive to women.

0:26:500:26:52

VERY attractive to women!

0:26:520:26:55

It's true. I certainly recognise it as a phase.

0:26:560:26:59

-That's a compliment, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:27:030:27:05

That's probably the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me.

0:27:050:27:10

Pudgy older fathers live longer and are more attractive.

0:27:120:27:15

The final scores are Ian and Tim with six points,

0:27:150:27:19

Paul and Andy with seven.

0:27:190:27:22

APPLAUSE

0:27:220:27:25

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:27:270:27:30

New panel show - Countdown.

0:27:300:27:33

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:27:330:27:36

And I leave you with news that after weeks of scandal and rumour,

0:27:400:27:43

the press finds a British cyclist

0:27:430:27:45

who's definitely not on performance enhancing drugs.

0:27:450:27:48

At another disastrous fractured company awayday,

0:27:510:27:54

one boss tries to lighten the mood

0:27:540:27:56

with his favourite walking-down-the-stairs trick.

0:27:560:27:59

And in Los Angeles, Simon Cowell's dermatologist reveals

0:28:030:28:06

ten years' worth of removed skin.

0:28:060:28:08

GROANING

0:28:090:28:11

Goodnight.

0:28:110:28:13