Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week...

On the BBC, there are accusations of sexism

as a male presenter tells his female co-presenters

to get his breakfast.

Bagel with scrambled eggs, half a bagel with peanut butter,

a smoothie of milk, bananas and berries

and a whole cantaloupe.

In a house in Oxfordshire, a knock on the door

announces Michael Heseltine has arrived for tea.

And in Surrey, before they even arrive at the scene,

firefighters realise the blaze they've been called to

is at the Ann Summers warehouse.

On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP

who believes that some people show contempt for politicians

because of unhelpful portrayals in the media.

Please welcome the shifty, time-serving,

waste of taxpayers' money Tim Loughton MP.

-APPLAUSE

-Thanks a bunch(!)

Great start!

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who crowdsourced his recent novel

by having dinner at fans' houses for £500,

which seems like a good deal,

but he can drink £700-worth of wine.

Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Tim, take a look at this.

Oh. Justice...being done.

New shoot-to-kill policy on blondes on zip wires.

And that's an army of Remainers.

"Double, double, Brexit trouble."

Yes, well, it's a bit of a good day for you, isn't it?

It's a very bad day for us.

I thought this is what you wanted.

British courts deciding British decisions.

APPLAUSE

We...we don't need these experts

telling MPs what to do, for goodness' sake.

-We've got the electorate for that.

-I've got some advice for you.

-Oh, dear.

-If you don't like the result,

I'd appeal to the European Court of Justice.

17.4 million people,

more than have ever voted for anything in this country, ever,

voted to free us from the European tyranny,

and it's going to happen.

Get real, get with it.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

You had a result decided by the judges and...

Just what bit of it don't you get?

I mean, you can't just have another decision in court,

just because you want one.

Accept the decision.

APPLAUSE

-OK...

-I mean, just moaning on

about how you don't like it.

Suck it up!

-When we have a referendum, which isn't very often...

-No.

..that means that we think

the people should have the final decision.

-Yeah.

-And we gave it to them. They made the final decision.

So, let's get on with it.

So, you have no problem with this decision.

This is a topical satire show?

Are we having a political discussion?

We're waiting for the show to start.

We can use this bit as landfill.

What is it, exactly, that the High Court has ruled?

The government doesn't have the power on its own

to trigger Article 50 and has to refer it to Parliament.

I actually launched a legal challenge

to try and stop the subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately...

I think if we were going to kick off with it,

we should have warned the National Grid,

because there's going to be

a massive upsurge in electricity demand

as people go to put the kettle on.

Or to switch on their electric chairs.

What do we know about the judges who made the High Court ruling?

-Uh...

-They are...they are elderly men.

Well, no.

No. They're not elderly men.

They dress up in tights when they're not at work.

-You may regret saying that.

-Right...

The Daily Mail looked into these judges and revealed...

Does it mean we're staying in the EU?

I think it means...

I was watching Nigel Farage -

not through a pair of binoculars, in his house -

he was on the television.

And he was, sort of, ranting and raving about betrayal.

But I think there's...part of him always wants to be betrayed.

It's like a sort of S&M thing.

What is Nigel Farage going to do about it?

Go down to the pub? Have a few more fags?

No - not go down the pub. Nigel Farage has said...

That is sad. When is this poor man going to get his life back?

I mean, all he wants is to slide away, quietly,

into the autumn of his life,

and people keep dragging him into the spotlight.

Just leave the man alone.

Which treacherous, lefty, out-of-touch luvvie...?

-Yeah...Prince Philip.

-..has been insulting the will...?

It's not?

He's a hot-headed young radical.

David Attenborough, of course.

-Oh, yes! Yes.

-He said that people

shouldn't have been allowed a referendum, didn't he?

-What?!

-Yes.

-Indeed.

-David Attenborough said...

..or someone like Keith Vaz.

He's just been elected back onto an influential Select Committee -

the Justice Committee.

And who would be more worthy of a place on the Justice Committee

than a man who is under investigation

for trying to buy drugs for rent boys behind his wife's back?

You took over from him

-when he was thrown off the last committee.

-I did.

I took over as the interim chairman

of the Home Affairs Select Committee,

when he had his little local difficulty

with the washing machine salesman...routine.

INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman.

Not any old washing machine salesman.

INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman.

-He had to boast, even in character.

-He did. He did.

He was Jim, the big washing machine guy.

Absolutely. With the really big load.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

How on earth is he now on another committee?

Don't ask me, I didn't vote for him.

Yeah, but the Tories backed him. Why?

Because the Labour Party nominated him,

and it is up to them to nominate a Labour MP to go on the committee,

and it was up to us to say, "Oh, all right, then," apparently.

And I didn't, because it wasn't.

So, it's pretty disgraceful of both of them.

Yeah. He shouldn't be on the committee.

Right, well, that's that sorted.

Tim, have you ever, sort of, backed the wrong horse, or...?

I make a career of backing the wrong horse, yeah.

Which particular horse are you referring to?

I was wondering if you're delighted

to see Theresa May, you know, Prime Minister?

She's fantastic. Love Theresa May.

Fantastic woman making a great Prime Minister.

IAN LAUGHS What I don't understand is how...

What are you laughing about? It's true. Fantastic.

That's the best joke I've heard yet.

APPLAUSE

17 points ahead in the opinion polls.

Yeah, pretty good, but if only we had

Prime Minister Andrea Leadsom, who you backed...

Yeah...she would be...

-The country would be completely different now.

-Even better.

-Do you think so?

-But we've got Mother Teresa and she's fantastic.

This is despite...

I thought that was the whole point, that she wasn't a mother.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Brought up by your candidate.

-Controversial.

How she came to be Prime Minister when your wonderful campaign

chant for Andrea Leadsom...

Let's have a look at the clip from BuzzFeed.

-What do we want?!

-ALL:

-Leadsom for leader!

-When do we want it?!

-Now!

HE CHEERS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

That's the way you have a demonstration.

No police, no Molotov cocktails, no need for water cannons...

Not many people.

It was a great march on Parliament. Everyone had a very nice afternoon.

Are you allowed to march on Parliament?

No, apparently I committed an offence

by having an unlicensed march.

Basically, that is a revolution.

This is the High Court ruling over whether Parliament should

be allowed to vote on triggering Article 50.

The Mail Online was quick to respond...

While the Telegraph Online was first with even hotter breaking news...

According to the Telegraph, Nigel Farage

has been wooed by producers of I'm A Celebrity and offered £750,000.

When first offered the chance to appear on I'm A Celebrity,

Nigel Farage said...

But he's reconsidering now they've explained it's in Australia,

not Calais.

-Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

-FBI.

Clinton, there's more stuff coming through.

-That's somebody sticking pins in her.

-Pins in her eyes.

That's very amusing.

Trump keeps saying that there is a conspiracy to ensure that

he can't win and I do hope he's right.

Seriously, it would be quite irresponsible in the

circumstances if they weren't trying to rig the election against him

because the man is mentally ill.

They've seen him coming for some time,

I reckon they've probably built a sort of

secondary White House which looks like the real one but isn't.

And TV videos that show walls being built which aren't being built.

It's a reality TV show, he will never know the difference.

But it's a very rare American election where you think that,

whoever wins, one of them will put the other one in jail.

That's if he stops there. He might burn her as a witch.

He is up against the worst opponent in any American election in history.

This latest cache of e-mails is about a catastrophic lack of

judgment by Hillary.

She refused to sack her leading aide when she was married to

-a bloke called Weiner...

-Mm.

..who showed his wiener to young girls by sending them texts.

If Trump is up there with being sleazy and unpleasant, immediately

there is another sleazy and unpleasant story on the other side.

If they got Bernie Sanders in or Colonel Sanders, anybody...

..they would have won by now.

How did Hillary Clinton explain putting her e-mails

on this private server?

She said it was because she was scared they would be leaked

to the other side.

She couldn't be bothered to carry around an extra smartphone,

-she said.

-Oh, well, that's a better excuse.

Where do you carry your extra smartphone, Andy?

I don't have a smartphone, Victoria. I don't have a phone.

What do you mean?

I don't carry a mobile.

Don't look at me...

Where do you keep yours, Paul?

I have a telephone box at the end of my road

which I carry around. No, I don't have a mobile or do e-mail.

-Are you ghosts?

-Yes.

I think I might be a ghost because I had an experience at

Gatwick Airport a few years back.

They had done some building work and they had this system whereby

-you had to be photographed on your way in...

-Oh, my God.

..and the computer wouldn't take a photo of me.

So the security guy said, "I think it might be your hat.

"Take your hat off."

I took my hat off and then he said, "Take your scarf off."

I took my scarf off, still no photo from the computer.

Then he said, "Maybe it's your jacket." I took off my jacket.

-Then I said, "Have we got a problem here?"

-Yeah, kiss me.

You really fall for the easiest things, don't you?

Do you know what his explanation was?

He said to me, "I think the problem might be that the computer

"doesn't recognise your face...

"as a face."

So maybe I am a ghost. Maybe you're right.

What was the immediate impact of the reopening of this FBI inquiry

-into the e-mails?

-The polls narrowed.

-Yeah.

What's Donald Trump's view of polls?

They are completely unreliable unless he's in front.

He has traditionally said...

And he has gone neck and neck in the polls and he said...

Hopefully, humanity will dodge a bullet on Tuesday.

But if Trump does get elected...

Hopefully Trump won't dodge the bullet!

APPLAUSE

-Look at them.

-They're applauding the assassination...

-You're sick people.

-That's where we have been taken to.

Sick people!

That's why you don't give people the vote in referendums.

-They are happy to endorse murder.

-Let's go for it.

If we all do it, they can't blame one of us.

I'm slightly worried in the name of balance that we're making

it look like there's only two candidates in the American election.

There are others, there's libertarian Gary Johnson, of course.

Did you see how well he dealt with a tough question this week?

As a fiscal conservative,

how do you explain that when you were elected governor of New Mexico,

you inherited a debt of 1.8 billion

but left office with a debt of 4.6 billion?

Erm, that is absolutely horse shit.

You can buy a lot of horse shit for that, I tell you.

-He has also used the noun as an adjective, hasn't he?

-I know.

It can't be "absolutely" horse shit.

It's either absolute horse shit or it's absolutely horse shitty.

Finally, in related news, what did someone with access to the

internet and too much time on their hands create this week?

Somebody accessing the internet with too much time on their hands?

Who could that be?

-They made something beautiful. Shall we have a look?

-Yes.

Stop it, stop it! We have to stop looking at it.

-I think the Daily Mail have got their new lovechild scandal.

-Yeah.

God, that is terribly frightening.

It is frightening. Let's stop looking at it.

-People will have nightmares.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

This is the news that the American people could be about to

elect their worst president in US history, or a worse one.

Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him.

One paper has already endorsed him

on its front page with the headline...

That's from The Crusader,

the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan.

Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred.

It's got regular lifestyle items

with tips on sewing and basic woodwork.

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Yes, the Russians are spying on us via the internet,

and everything is connected to the internet these days -

refrigerators, kettles, everything like that, so they can sort of...

They can basically take over all our lives without us knowing.

Well, that's it.

I mean, this is the idea that the act of Russian warfare

that comes next will be invading our homes via our kettles.

Yes, the hackers use your kettle's default password

to take control of it and...

Hang on, your kettle has a default password?

-I mean, your kettle probably doesn't.

-My kettle doesn't, no.

-No, but if you have a smart kettle...

-A smart kettle?

-Ah.

Yes, you can boil water from another room.

Can you boil a kettle in somebody else's house

-without their permission?

-Yes! Well...

That's how Putin could launch an invasion -

all our kettles could spontaneously start boiling.

Everybody rushes to make a cup of tea and he's coming across

-the Straits of Dover.

-Straight in.

-But you're joking, but...

-I mean, this is happening.

-No, it's not really happening, Ian.

Isn't it? Any minute now.

The kettles thing, that was just... I made that up.

-No, you see, you didn't make it up.

-I did make it up.

They can take over the kettle via a password and...

Yeah, this did happen last week.

There was a crash when all sorts of bits of the internet

were unavailable and fell apart after they were hacked into.

It made a huge difference to my life.

I couldn't get on Twitter,

Instagram, I was taking pictures of my lunch...

You had to get an Uber car instead of your regular hansom cab.

-Not just kettles. I mean, what else? What other...?

-Fridges.

-Toasters.

-Yes.

-Toasters are the worst.

-Electric can openers.

-Toasters...

-Webcams, baby monitors, printers, routers...

You must have some of these things.

I have a baby monitor, yes, but that kind of was a foolish purchase,

really, because I don't have any children.

Aren't we protected by the fact that we've got very slow broadband?

-Yeah.

-Why should we not be worried about Russia's aggressive posturing,

according to Professor Mark Almond?

Erm, they're...

-Has somebody hacked into you?

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Mr Putin has a reasonable regard for...

What was the sinister domestic development in the world of

cyber-spying this week?

Your fridge could be communicating to the Russian Embassy

-exactly how long the fish fingers have been in there.

-Yeah.

-No...

-No?

..but your fridge could be communicating with your

insurance company, to see what kind of risk you are.

Apparently, they could look into your smart fridge,

or indeed your smart toilet, to see how healthy you are.

-I'm sorry...

-Urgh!

How can they possibly look into your toilet?

Presumably a smart toilet checks on your regularity

-and so could give that to the insurance.

-Precisely.

And the smart fridge would say, you know,

"That stuff's well past its sell-by but he's eating it anyway."

So the fridge is talking to the loo -

"Yeah, four ounces of food about 20 minutes ago.

"Let's see what happens later."

-Yes...

-What do you mean, yes?!

Yes doesn't come into this!

This is the one conversation where yes has no role.

-I suppose the fridge could warn the toilet, couldn't it?

-Yeah.

-It could say...

-"He's had some vegetable spring rolls.

"Tell the window to lift itself up."

I welcome a Trump presidency after all this!

Anything to rid us of these robot toilets.

This is the warning that Britain is under increased threat

of cyberattacks from Russia.

Before you get too worried,

experts have assured the public that Russian cyberattacks

will only be able to target one or two vulnerable TVs in the country,

so you needn't worry unless you suddenly experience

interference with your picture.

NATIONAL ANTHEM OF THE USSR PLAYS

Thanks to the internet of things, hackers can now target

any household object which could be controlled online, including...

It's impossible to know which kettles have been compromised

as these days there are hardly any whistle-blowers.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I hope that whole story wasn't made up just for that joke!

I've got strong suspicions it might have been.

OK, here's another one. Fingers on buzzers.

What the bloody hell's that about?

BUZZER

The only calendar story I can recall is about the Dull Men Club,

or something. They've brought out a calendar.

They said there's not enough dull women around,

-so this is their attempt to be all-embracing.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

This is the news that the Dull Men's Club calendar

is going to feature women for the first time.

Including the curator of the Pencil Museum.

A particular favourite of yours?

Well, there's not much point to it, really, but, yes, it's...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Tough crowd!

Also featured in the calendar is Amanda Hone, who quit her job

and spent a year travelling round the country following signs.

-What kind of signs?

-You're going the wrong way?

Amanda is a big fan of...

-Ah.

-Here she is...

-Brown signs!

Oh, right, that's a brown sign. Yeah, OK. That's fair enough.

I know that sign. I've been to both of those places.

There's this thing called the Dull Men's Club, Ian, if you want to...

APPLAUSE

-He's the life president.

-Oh, right!

What does Amanda's husband think of her brown signs?

Er, he's...

-Has she got a husband?

-Yes, and even more than that.

According to Amanda...

It's been a big week for women.

Shall we have a look at the momentous announcement

-of the Church of Wales's first female bishop?

-Yes.

Quite a turnout.

It gives me enormous pleasure to announce

that the bishop elect of St David's

is Canon Joanna Penberthy, who is the rector of Glan Ithon

in the diocese of Swansea and Brecon.

That's a parish that's centred on Llandrindod Wells.

APPLAUSE

Why are they so far away?

I think the bishop's got a bit of a reputation.

They've realised those concrete posts aren't enough,

so they've put a traffic cone as well to deter him.

This is the news that women are to be featured for the first time

on the calendar of the Dull Men's Club.

Three of the Dull Women include...

Might sound dull to you, but what a team they'd make on Only Connect.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.

Your four are Michael Gove,

Miss Prism,

Victoria Beckham

and David Cameron.

Miss Prism, The Importance Of Being Earnest.

Worthing - lost a child in a handbag at Victoria Station.

David Cameron unfortunately forgot his daughter Nancy was at the pub.

And Michael Gove tried to emulate his former friend David Cameron

and went dad dancing with Rachel Johnson

and left the 11-year-old wandering around the hotel, apparently.

You're definitely in the right world with lost children.

They've all lost a child except Miss Prism,

who lost the manuscript to her novel.

I'm just telling the story like it is.

-TIM:

-And Victoria Beckham, has she gained a child or something?

Has she adopted a few?

You are certainly in the right direction.

Michael Gove's usually the odd one out, isn't he?

Michael Gove DELIBERATELY left his child in the hotel room.

All the others have mislaid children.

Oh, right.

Victoria Beckham forgot her son Brooklyn. She said...

Michael Gove and Sarah Vine, his wife,

took the deliberate decision to leave their child in a hotel room

while they went to a party.

Be careful, some bitchy columnist could have a field day with that.

The hotel staff were aware of the situation,

but what caused them concern later on?

Was he wandering around the corridor?

He was wandering the corridors at 1.30 in the morning, an 11-year-old!

Perhaps a minibar rang the police.

-ANDY:

-He was distressed, apparently.

He said, "I think I might be the son of Michael Gove."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You mentioned earlier Rachel Johnson,

the writer, Boris's sister.

She was also at the Cheltenham Literary Festival,

what the party was for.

She made an excuse for the Goves. What was her excuse?

They were both completely drunk.

No.

If they'd left the dogs unattended,

Michael Heseltine might creep in and strangle them.

David Cameron left his daughter behind after a pub lunch.

On another occasion, Cameron couldn't find his children

during a football match at West Ham,

only to discover they were safe and well at Aston Villa.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Concertina World, the best concertina magazine there is.

ACCORDION to those in the know.

AUNDIENCE GROANS And we start with...

Decided against having any pudding.

Thought about putting his concertina in the freezer.

Maximus was having climate problems with his concertina

in the tropical rainforest and was told by another forum user...

Then again, it's hard to find any environment

that isn't hostile to the concertina.

Next...

Head-butts wasp.

Licks an ocelot.

That's close, isn't it?

-It is close.

-It must be.

Man trying to impress girls at zoo

gets in tussle with panda.

The man who fought a panda was left with two black eyes,

which only made him more attractive to the pandas.

Finally, pudgy older fathers...what?

I read this, they're incredibly attractive to women.

Yes, very attractive to women.

Very attractive to women.

VERY attractive to women!

It's true. I certainly recognise it as a phase.

-That's a compliment, isn't it?

-Yeah.

That's probably the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me.

Pudgy older fathers live longer and are more attractive.

The final scores are Ian and Tim with six points,

Paul and Andy with seven.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

New panel show - Countdown.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

And I leave you with news that after weeks of scandal and rumour,

the press finds a British cyclist

who's definitely not on performance enhancing drugs.

At another disastrous fractured company awayday,

one boss tries to lighten the mood

with his favourite walking-down-the-stairs trick.

And in Los Angeles, Simon Cowell's dermatologist reveals

ten years' worth of removed skin.

GROANING

Goodnight.