Episode 7 Have I Got News for You


Episode 7

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

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on a building site in Manchester

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after a construction worker is injured in a fall,

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the main culprit tries to sneak away from the scene.

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Following Donald Trump's shock victory,

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the youth wing of the Ku Klux Klan

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slightly jumped the gun with a visit to Washington.

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And in the grounds of Windsor Castle, a furious Kate Middleton

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wonders where the hell Princess Charlotte's buggy's gone.

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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who in one show

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lambasted posh white men as the cause of all Britain's problems.

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Yeah, well, that's as may be.

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You just try holding a boat race without them.

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Please welcome Nish Kumar.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP

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who says she's spent many of her evenings as a teenager

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leafleting for the Labour Party,

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although her parents told friends she was in prison.

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Please welcome Jess Phillips MP.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Nish, take a look at this.

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-Oh, yes, the Chancellor flying an aeroplane.

-The Autumn Statement.

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-It's jam.

-Erm, that is not scientific.

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The big news of the Autumn Statement

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-is that he's cancelling the Autumn Statement.

-That's right, yes.

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That's a pretty gangsta move, like, to come out and be like,

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"What is your Autumn Statement?"

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"This is the last one. Mic drop. Hammond out."

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-Tell me something not boring about Philip Hammond.

-Ohhh...

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-Can you tell us something not boring?

-He...

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He's a champion water skier.

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-He used to run a nightclub.

-What?

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That must have been the worst nightclub ever.

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Was it Cinatra's with a C?

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Just listen to what this lady has to say.

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I remember going round to his house once.

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We got hold of half a bottle of sherry

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and, erm, proceeded to drink it and, very randomly,

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we ended up having a bit of a cheeky snog.

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MUSIC: Bang A Gong (Get It On) By T. Rex.

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Who'd have thought that Philip Hammond was such a good kisser?

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Literally no-one.

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I mean, in that photo, he looks like the guy that did it in all films.

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But to be fair, he's the only one that's bothered to turn up in focus.

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"To other kids, it doesn't matter, you know..."

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Well, we saw some jam there. What was the jam all about?

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It's a new acronym for the Government -

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Just About Managing, and it describes their performance.

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The fact is we're in unbelievable debt.

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We're in even more debt than we've ever been.

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£2 trillion of debt, which we're going to have to pay off.

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All those years of austerity and we've just given up.

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I don't want to be gloomy.

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Cos if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you.

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The Chancellor's only just keeping his job.

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People saying, "Oh, for God's sake, Hammond, can't you cheer up?

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"Tell us that the weather's lovely."

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"But it isn't. Winter's coming."

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So how is Hammond going to help the Just About Managing?

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-What's he going to do?

-He's borrowing lots of money.

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He's reversing some of the cuts and he's going to build roads

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-and houses and infrastructure.

-Upping the minimum wage.

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Upping the minimum wage.

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He's doing lots of things that quite a lot of people agree with,

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which is sort of his job. He's meant to be quite boring.

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Erm, and to make everyone feel calm.

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And that there isn't going to be a disaster.

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-Unfortunately, Mrs May used the term "the cliff edge".

-Yes, that's right.

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"We don't want to go up to the cliff edge,"

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and you're thinking, "Hang on, he's telling us to calm down and...

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"Oh, my God, there's a cliff edge!" But...

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That's right, Theresa May said she does not want...

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No, well, that's sound.

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Some people DO want to go off a cliff edge, though.

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Who are the people who like the cliff edge?

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-Is it Iain Duncan Smith?

-Ooh, yes.

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Richard Tice from the Leave Means Leave group, he likes it.

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He says we need a quick transition to Brexit to avoid uncertainty,

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whereas Paul Nuttall, the UKIP leadership candidate,

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says, "There is no cliff. It's a springboard."

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He can be the first one off, then!

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You try it first.

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Philip Hammond, of course, has been debating public spending

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for a long time, as we can see from this clip.

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-This is a clip from 2010.

-Oh!

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I don't think any party has identified in detail

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how they will reduce public spending

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over the course of the coming Parliament.

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The question to the Labour Party, to Peppa, if I may,

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is you have all the civil servants, you have all the data,

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you're sitting on all the contracts,

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you know all the forward commitments.

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Why have you not published a comprehensive spending review?

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She has no answer!

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Anyway, so there was great news around Brexit Britain.

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Come on, libtards, come on, let's cheer up! Come on! It's great news.

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Let's look on the bright side. Now, what's the bright side?

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-Brexit's going to cost us...

-No, the bright side, the bright side.

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-Oh, sorry.

-Jobs are up.

-Yes.

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Facebook and Google are expanding.

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They're creating hundreds of jobs - in tax avoidance, mainly.

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Erm...

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What does The Daily Star claim are coming down?

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-Prices.

-Exactly - prices are coming down.

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This Friday, there's going to be

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a Bumper Black Friday Brexit Bonanza discount.

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We're not doing that again, are we?

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Yes. It's to cheer up Britain and, in anticipation...

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-That's why it's called Black Friday?

-Yeah.

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What's a Morrisons supermarket hiring several of?

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-Assassins.

-This is...

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They're going to cull the shoppers.

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"We haven't got enough yoghurt to sell to everybody."

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Morrisons are hiring...

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Who's planning on making a comeback?

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Des O'Connor.

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To be fair, he never went away.

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-Tony Blair.

-Tony Blair, yes.

-Blair? Fantastic news!

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A source told The Sunday Times...

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I can think of one.

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I mean, are you desperate enough to welcome him back?

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I mean, I suppose the Labour Party's having a bit of a tough time,

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but I'm not entirely sure he's the answer to that particular question.

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You don't think he'd come back and be popular?

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Well, it's difficult to say. He won three elections, didn't he?

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So he's more popular than we've been for some time.

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Erm...

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But, yeah, I mean, I think that...

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It's not the person I would have picked, but there we go.

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But meanwhile, I mean, Labour must just be rubbing their hands

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at the disarray the Government finds themselves in.

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Just landing some careful blows.

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-That's right, it's a precision team.

-Yeah. What...?

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What has Jeremy Corbyn's response been?

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I'm not entirely sure.

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I don't even know the answer.

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There have been a couple of gnomic tweets from him.

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-Perhaps you can interpret these for us.

-Oh, yeah, the tweets, yeah.

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Here's one.

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Is that a cryptic crossword clue?

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People of Birmingham Yardley speak of little else.

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I just think no response is better, because after the sort of...

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In the immediate aftermath of the EU referendum,

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it was kind of impressive, the way that the Labour Party looked

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at the Conservatives in turmoil and didn't think,

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"Oh, we can use this to our advantage," and instead just went,

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"You call that political disarray?"

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"Sit down, let the professionals show you how it's done!"

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This is Philip Hammond's first autumn statement as Chancellor.

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Well, actually, it's his second.

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His first statement was just, "Oh, shit."

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Theresa May has inspired the acronym JAM for those who are...

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Although, for some reason she hasn't come up with

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a term yet for those fat cats who are...

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APPLAUSE

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Paul and Jess, have this.

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This is obviously the story of Nigel Farage being appointed

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by Twitter by Donald Trump to potentially be the ambassador

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between the UK and the US,

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which would make Nigel Farage an economic migrant.

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And Theresa May basically saying,

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"I'm Ukip enough by myself, I don't need Nigel Farage's help."

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And saying, "There is no vacancy

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"for migrant-hating racists in my..."

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-Administration.

-"..administration," yes, so...

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-There's enough.

-Yeah, there's plenty.

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Because last week we weren't on because it was Children With Knees

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-and we had...

-LAUGHTER

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But I have not read a paper, so this just sounds all so absurd.

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-Oh, there's more.

-Is there more?

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Yeah. Trump has proposed to the Queen...

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-NISH:

-Oh, God!

-JESS:

-Marriage?

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..and she's accepted, and the wedding is next year.

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They're going to have it in Trump Tower.

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-It's going to be fantastic.

-Oh, I look forward to it.

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-Yeah, I'm best man.

-Oh, are you?

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-He hasn't actually appointed him. I mean...

-No, but via Twitter.

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I mean, that's real, isn't it?

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And the President isn't actually allowed to appoint

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-our ambassador yet.

-No, no.

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-Thankfully not.

-NISH:

-Not on Twitter.

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-If he does it on Facebook, it's legally binding.

-Yeah.

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So, it was a late-night tweet from Trump.

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Do you remember roughly what it said?

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It said that many people think that Nigel Farage would make an excellent

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ambassador between the UK and the US, or something along those lines.

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That's many in the sense of one.

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I responded to Donald Trump and I said, "Name them."

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This is exactly what he said...

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Donald Trump doesn't even follow Nigel Farage on Twitter,

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-which is a massive digital slap in the face.

-Really?

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Yeah, he doesn't even follow him,

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so he doesn't think he's that great a job.

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He doesn't think he's got top bants online.

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Do you remember Christopher Meyer,

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-who was Tony Blair's ambassador to the US?

-Yeah.

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-Do you remember what his instruction was?

-Yeah.

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Get as drunk as possible, and then avoid everybody.

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-It was pretty nearly that.

-Was it?

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He was told to, "Get as far up George Bush's arse as you can."

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Exactly! "We want you to go..."

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Is he allowed to use crampons?

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Is he?

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So, that's the brief. Actually, maybe Nigel Farage is qualified.

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Well, Blair did it himself. He didn't actually need an ambassador.

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Now, who'd like to see a picture of Farage,

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quite possibly the happiest moment in his life?

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-I think that's the door into Trump Tower.

-It is fantastic.

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Have you seen the pictures of inside?

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It's sort of late Gaddafi, the decor.

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Perhaps early Saddam, but it's...

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It's a riot of vulgar dictator chic, it is.

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Meanwhile, how is Theresa May's special relationship

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-with Trump coming along?

-Very good.

-Very good.

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He said to her, "If you're ever over, do drop in."

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I haven't even made that up, that was it.

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"If you're coming over, let me know."

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That's what you say to the couple you don't like on holiday, isn't it?

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Trump gave an interview to the New York Times this week.

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He broke one of his campaign promises in it.

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Do you know what that was?

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-The wall's not going to be a wall, it's going to be a fence.

-Fence.

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Then a sign.

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Then an old man going, "Tchu, tchu, tchu."

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-And he's not going to lock up Hillary.

-That's the one, yes.

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Anyone would think this show's trying to cheer us all up.

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He dropped his threat to lock up Hillary Clinton.

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That's not going to go down well with the nutters, is it?

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Did anyone catch any other gems from his interview?

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He hasn't been locked up himself, so maybe he's feeling clement.

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-Yeah.

-Because Trump University settled the case.

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First president who's actually had to pay out for fraud.

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He said...

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There was an issue that some people were perhaps thinking

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-might have been there to distract from this.

-Yeah, it was Hamilton.

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Mike Pence went to a musical, and Mike Pence believes that

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you can electrocute gay people until they're heterosexual again,

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and he went to see a musical.

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And unsurprisingly, the audience did not react favourably.

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I'm just thinking of the potential of the rhyme of Pence and fence.

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-JESS:

-Oh, yeah.

-Don't you think that would...? Thank you.

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Rap, it's much easier than it looks.

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Another flurry of late-night tweets from Donald Trump.

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If an audience booing you demands an apology

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then the people of Leamington Spa owe me a parade

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after last Saturday. I can't...

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Mike Pence should try being a stand-up comedian.

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The things people... "You're awful." "This is dreadful."

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"You're a huge disappointment to me and your father." It's just...

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I did love the fact that Trump, in his tweet, said,

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"The theatre is meant to be a safe space."

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Rather ignores the history of the American presidency.

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Have you ever noticed how much alpha males like to touch

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-each other, in the US?

-Yeah, quite a lot. All the time.

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Noah Garfinkel on Twitter has noticed this.

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Let's see how many backslaps there are in this clip.

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Well, I think that's proof that Donald Trump believes in

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diversity - it's not just women he grabs.

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"It's guys, you can grab 'em by the shoulder, hey,

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"get 'em by the butt."

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This is the suggestion from Donald Trump that Nigel Farage

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should be the UK ambassador in Washington.

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There's been speculation that Trump might give a job

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to his son-in-law Jared Kushner but according to The Telegraph...

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Laws brought in by George Bush, or was it his dad?

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And so to round two. The picture-spin quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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The Royal Family have been hit, like all of us, heavily with the finances

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and they've started up a two-person Do-it-yourself team.

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Liz and Phil - No Job Too Small.

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No, I think this must be about Buckingham Palace.

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It's got to be renovated at the cost of...

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-£370 million, they say.

-That will go up.

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-Yeah, it will.

-There have been calls for the Queen

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to contribute to the Buckingham Palace repair bill.

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She could write a cheque or she could do what she did

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with Windsor Castle and burn it down for the insurance.

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But what's actually going to be done to the palace?

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They are getting in Trump's designer...

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And finally we're going to have a palace that actually looks like one.

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It's going to be gold outside and leopard skin inside.

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The throne's being done up with peacock feathers and

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proper bling in, you know, all the way through.

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And there's a casino on Horse Guards Parade,

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with one-armed bandits all the way and the Coldstream Guards

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will play hits from Cats as you...

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Prince Andrew's going to be an Elvis impersonator...

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He's going to do Love Me Tender, you know,

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as you hit the blackjack tables. So I can't wait,

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I think it's going to be fantastic.

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According to The Guardian, the work will cover...

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And even...

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"If only", muttered Charles.

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Several of the gas boilers at Buckingham Palace need replacing

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and of course the engineers who do it will have to be Corgi-approved.

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There was a joke in Private Eye that was very similar to that.

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-Do you remember it, Ian?

-I do. It's in this issue. It was similar

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in the sense of being identical.

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But I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to flog my

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merchandise if, say, I had a Christmas album of songs.

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I...I wouldn't bring it up.

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What's that I can hear?

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MUSIC PLAYS

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ALEXANDER: # Golden Brown

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# Texture like sun

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# Lays me down with my mind she runs

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# Throughout the night... #

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I've played that song to my wife as a punishment.

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-You know it's a song about heroin, don't you?

-I do, I do.

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I think it's a song about a state of mind.

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Caused by heroin.

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I thought for years it was about Gordon Brown!

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Surely the lyric "Never a frown, with Gordon Brown..."?

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Must have thrown you off the scent somewhat?

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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It's the annual story, it comes round every year, which is funny

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with annual stories...

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Basically, Lapland gone wrong, it's always a disaster

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-and somebody else has done it this year.

-That's right, yes.

0:18:500:18:53

Bakewell Winter Wonderland, for example, is nicknamed...

0:18:530:18:57

After visitors paid £7 to trek through a muddy field,

0:18:570:19:00

only to find...

0:19:000:19:01

If this happens every year, do you think people just never learn?

0:19:040:19:07

If I set up Nigerian Minister Sends You A Letter Land...?

0:19:070:19:11

Do you think people would come along and just give me their money?

0:19:120:19:15

One person compared the conditions slightly dramatically to...

0:19:150:19:19

Was there a £7 entry fee for that as well?

0:19:220:19:24

Nothing like a sense of proportion, is there?

0:19:250:19:27

Here's a picture of the scene...

0:19:270:19:29

The magic Wellington Boot table.

0:19:300:19:32

Why were the Woodward family particularly disappointed by

0:19:320:19:35

what was on offer?

0:19:350:19:36

-They'd come a long way.

-They'd come a very long way,

0:19:370:19:39

all the way down from Sheffield with their caravan and...

0:19:390:19:42

But...

0:19:440:19:45

Winter Wonderland in Barrow, Cumbria, was also criticised

0:19:470:19:50

this week - the ice rink flooded, the German market never materialised

0:19:500:19:53

and one mother said her children...

0:19:530:19:56

The Walk Home Land!

0:19:580:19:59

I can set that one up, too.

0:19:590:20:01

You come to my field, there's nothing there.

0:20:010:20:04

Just walk home!

0:20:040:20:06

Seven quid! I'll have that.

0:20:060:20:07

-It's hard entertaining kids, though.

-Yeah.

0:20:070:20:10

Here is a child giving a particularly eloquent review

0:20:100:20:12

of a visit to a safari park.

0:20:120:20:15

-DAD:

-It's going to kick off here.

0:20:150:20:17

-MUM:

-Oh, my God.

-DAD:

-Oh, God.

0:20:170:20:19

Yes, this is the annual story of a winter blunderland.

0:20:300:20:35

Angry parents said...

0:20:350:20:36

Sounds like they nailed Christmas, to me.

0:20:400:20:42

Time now for the odd-one-out round, just one between you this week.

0:20:440:20:47

And your four are...

0:20:470:20:48

Sir Tony Robinson.

0:20:480:20:50

DH Lawrence.

0:20:500:20:51

Lucy, the oldest known human.

0:20:510:20:53

And Simon Cowell.

0:20:530:20:55

Lucy, the oldest known human, she is a sort of...

0:20:550:20:58

-Is she a reconstruction of...

-She is.

0:20:580:21:00

-..of what we used to be like?

-Yes.

-Back in the '40s.

0:21:000:21:03

I've no idea.

0:21:050:21:07

-Have you got a clue?

-Heseltine has thousands of them.

0:21:070:21:11

-Are these trees?

-Yes.

-Oh.

0:21:110:21:13

I was going to say effigies of Margaret Thatcher.

0:21:130:21:18

-Carry on...

-Trees?

0:21:180:21:19

DH Lawrence's books were published in paper...

0:21:190:21:23

Zacchaeus could have been up there.

0:21:250:21:28

The tax collector...

0:21:280:21:29

-He's... Olive trees?

-No, no.

0:21:290:21:31

Fig trees?

0:21:310:21:32

-No, I misled you there.

-Oh, I see.

0:21:320:21:34

I'm more interested in an exact biblical tree than I am...

0:21:340:21:38

-Yeah..

-..in the answer to this question...

0:21:380:21:41

-Lucy is the odd one out.

-No.

0:21:410:21:43

The only thing anyone knows about her,

0:21:430:21:45

she was named after a Beatles song.

0:21:450:21:46

She was named after Lucy In The Sky.

0:21:460:21:49

-Yeah. That's not going to help here.

-I saw it in a documentary.

0:21:490:21:52

-Very interesting.

-DH Lawrence was named after one of the early hits...

0:21:520:21:55

It's not going well, this, is it?

0:21:590:22:01

Trees, trees...

0:22:010:22:03

They've all knocked down trees. Tell us.

0:22:030:22:05

-They all love climbing...

-Climbing trees.

0:22:050:22:08

-They all love climbing trees apart from DH Lawrence.

-No.

0:22:080:22:11

-Apart from Lucy, who was ground-based.

-No.

0:22:110:22:13

-Simon Cowell.

-No!

0:22:130:22:15

-Tony Robinson!

-Tony Robinson! There we go.

0:22:150:22:17

Apart from Tony Robinson... I'm going to tell you.

0:22:170:22:19

He won't even touch a pencil.

0:22:190:22:21

They all like climbing trees, apart from Sir Tony Robinson,

0:22:210:22:24

who was caught urinating against one in the grounds of Buckingham Palace.

0:22:240:22:27

He revealed this in an interview this week. Did anyone not...?

0:22:270:22:30

-No.

-I'm amazed it wasn't bigger news.

0:22:300:22:34

-Simon Cowell likes climbing trees?

-He likes climbing trees, absolutely.

0:22:340:22:38

He revealed in an interview once his favourite hobby is climbing trees.

0:22:380:22:41

He said:

0:22:410:22:43

Anyway, back to the Palace garden, where we join Tony Robinson.

0:22:450:22:48

He was filming an episode of Time Team Live in the Queen's gardens

0:22:480:22:51

and got caught short moments before the cameras started rolling.

0:22:510:22:54

That... That's not unique.

0:23:000:23:02

How do we know that Lucy, our oldest known human ancestor,

0:23:040:23:07

liked climbing trees?

0:23:070:23:09

She left a note.

0:23:090:23:10

She was discovered in the 1970s, but they've only just worked out

0:23:120:23:15

by studying her bones that in fact there were multiple breaks,

0:23:150:23:18

in particular:

0:23:180:23:20

So that makes her the oldest person that's fallen out of a tree

0:23:270:23:29

apart from Keith Richards.

0:23:290:23:31

They say that suggests this was the cause of death.

0:23:330:23:36

Wow.

0:23:360:23:37

The BBC website very helpfully shows us

0:23:370:23:39

her falling from the... There we are.

0:23:390:23:42

Just in case we...

0:23:420:23:43

The answer is they all like climbing trees apart from Tony Robinson,

0:23:470:23:49

who was caught urinating against one.

0:23:490:23:51

Tony Robinson relieved himself

0:23:510:23:53

just before a live Time Team at Buckingham Palace.

0:23:530:23:55

It was a very exciting dig.

0:23:550:23:56

They discovered the bony figure of an ancient prince

0:23:560:23:59

who told them to bugger off out of his garden.

0:23:590:24:01

According to the New York Times,

0:24:020:24:04

DH Lawrence liked to climb a mulberry tree

0:24:040:24:06

to inspire his writing. According to the article,

0:24:060:24:08

many creative artists took inspiration in strange ways.

0:24:080:24:11

Strange ingredient for a fondant fancy.

0:24:140:24:16

LAUGHTER

0:24:160:24:19

Simon Cowell told The Sun:

0:24:190:24:22

Well, they've already made a start on his face.

0:24:230:24:26

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:24:280:24:30

which this week features as its guest publication Towpath Talk.

0:24:300:24:33

There are lots of rules regarding barge travel.

0:24:330:24:36

There's a limit of 60 - no-one under the age of 60.

0:24:360:24:39

And we start with:

0:24:390:24:41

Navigate your boat.

0:24:430:24:46

Open locks.

0:24:460:24:47

Open locks. Open locks.

0:24:470:24:49

That is...unwittingly right, actually.

0:24:490:24:52

What do you mean, unwittingly?!

0:24:520:24:54

You're thinking of barge locks, you're thinking of canal-ways.

0:24:540:24:57

-Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of.

-Actually, you can unlock your car.

0:24:570:25:00

There are fears that the technology may not be perfect

0:25:000:25:03

and if you own a BMW it might unlock doors to anyone

0:25:030:25:07

who looks like a smug bastard.

0:25:070:25:09

Next:

0:25:090:25:11

-NISH:

-Actual donkey as donkey.

0:25:150:25:17

Panto saves money using normal-sized people as dwarfs

0:25:180:25:21

but making them stand further away.

0:25:210:25:23

This is right.

0:25:230:25:25

LAUGHTER

0:25:300:25:31

It's been revealed that several pantomime dwarves have lost work to:

0:25:330:25:36

To be honest, that's how a lot of actors finally get work.

0:25:380:25:42

According to one paper:

0:25:420:25:44

And remember, that's on top of what they make in the mines.

0:25:460:25:49

Next:

0:25:520:25:54

-JESS:

-Childbirth.

0:25:570:25:59

Reality.

0:25:590:26:00

Is it "life"?

0:26:000:26:02

It is in fact:

0:26:030:26:05

This is from Towpath Talk -

0:26:060:26:08

the annual dilemma of how to black your barge's hull:

0:26:080:26:11

Or should you go and live in a fucking house like a normal person?

0:26:180:26:21

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:210:26:23

Next:

0:26:270:26:29

-NISH:

-Is it Windows 8?

0:26:310:26:33

No!

0:26:330:26:35

Presumably all you have to do is open Windows.

0:26:390:26:42

And finally:

0:26:450:26:47

Chocolate.

0:26:490:26:51

-JESS:

-Lasagne.

-Absolutely right.

0:26:510:26:53

Brenden Taylor posted a picture of his partner's scan on Facebook.

0:26:530:26:56

Here it is:

0:26:560:26:58

To which someone replied:

0:26:580:26:59

To which Brenden replied:

0:27:030:27:04

LAUGHTER

0:27:040:27:07

This is the story of a woman

0:27:100:27:11

who posted an ultrasound picture of her unborn baby daughter

0:27:110:27:14

only for her friend to mistake it for a lasagne.

0:27:140:27:16

Although she hopes to have the baby naturally,

0:27:160:27:19

doctors have warned her she may require a Caesarean Salad.

0:27:190:27:22

So the final scores are, Ian and Nish have 4,

0:27:230:27:26

Paul and Jess have 8.

0:27:260:27:28

APPLAUSE

0:27:280:27:30

And I leave you with news that

0:27:360:27:38

an old showbiz double-act are forced to go back on the road

0:27:380:27:41

with their "catch the peanut" routine.

0:27:410:27:43

In Washington, one Democrat admits

0:27:490:27:51

to putting a crafty 100 on Trump to win.

0:27:510:27:54

And in central London, one politician begins to regret

0:27:580:28:01

agreeing to the image consultant's suggestion to have a makeover.

0:28:010:28:04

Jezzie Izzard!

0:28:110:28:13

Goodnight!

0:28:150:28:17

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