Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

This is an issue, gang. I'm sorry. I couldn't find any tissues.

-So I apologise.

-Would you like a clean handkerchief?

-It's linen...!

I'm afraid to say, constituents often cry in my surgery.

So I find it very useful to have a clean handkerchief.

-I can imagine that so clearly.

-I thought you might.

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Mel Giedroych.

And in the news this week, on a well-deserved break in Tenerife,

Sports Direct's Mike Ashley dives effortlessly into his swimming pool.

At Chevening House, as Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis

all bring their pets for the weekend,

it's a tough day for the local dog walker.

And at his constituency in Tatton,

George Osborne denies he's still obsessed with austerity

as he makes a few adjustments to the village Christmas tree.

On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who, in 2007,

married Helena de Chair, who I believe was one of a set of six.

Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP.

And with Paul tonight is creator and star of Citizen Khan,

the funniest thing to come out of Birmingham

since the estimated completion date of HS2.

-Please welcome Adil Ray.

-Thank you.

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Adil, take a look at this.

-PAUL:

-It's Theresa May.

That's the House of Commons a long time ago.

The England cricket team. There we are.

And they are setting fire to the EU fire regulations.

There she is again.

-There was a judge asleep there.

-There was a sleeping judge there.

That's an appalling slur, right at the top of the show.

The suggestion that it was so dull in court he'd be asleep...

-Don't you think that's appalling?

-Indeed. I'm shocked.

-Good.

LAUGHTER

The wigs are very hot, though. So maybe he was just having a quick...

Are they usually wide-awake, the judges You appear in front of?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In the Supreme Court, they don't wear wigs.

They are rather modern in the Supreme Court.

-They just where ordinary clothes.

-They come as The Supremes.

LAUGHTER

This is the news that Parliament backed Theresa May

to trigger the Brexit processed by the end of March next year.

So who was this a victory for, Labour or the government?

-What do we think?

-Oh, huge victory for the government.

A triumph for the Conservative Party,

for Mrs May and the Chief Whip.

LAUGHTER

This is the post-truth era.

It was a bit of a climb-down, though, wasn't it,

to say, "I'm not going to tell you the plan."

And then say, "Well, we will tell you the plan."

We've been told the plan. We are leaving the European Union.

Brexit means Brexit. And...

No, that's the aim. What's the plan?

That's what happens at the end of a two-year process.

That is it. We leave.

And it's been very clear from the other side,

from Mr Tusk and Mr Barnier, that we can't cherry-pick,

that there is no such thing as hard Brexit or soft Brexit,

there's either Brexit or remaining in the European Union.

But Mrs May uses this metaphor of a cliff edge.

And that was your leader.

That was her own metaphor, "We don't want to go over the cliff edge."

She used a better metaphor,

so you'd have "a red white and blue Brexit",

-which is the one I prefer.

-Right.

-So you're cherry-picking her metaphors.

-I am, yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a little look.

Is it hard, soft? Is it grey, white?

Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit.

That is the right Brexit for the United Kingdom.

Hang on a minute, no mention of brown there.

I know what she's up to.

How did the Star make this story more fun,

while not exactly making it any clearer?

-Theresa May with her kit off.

-Oh...

Almost, yes. Yes, almost.

Have a little look at this.

We go up the body, Geri, Geri... Theresa.

I didn't see anything like that in the Financial Times.

But then, they are terrible Remainers.

Well, people who know what they're talking about

with the financial markets.

APPLAUSE

But, Jacob, am I right in saying that you wanted

a hard, white Brexit with a runny yolk.

-You're absolutely right, yes.

-Is that right?

You're absolutely spot on. I think that's how we should have it.

We should have an absolutely solid and clear Brexit,

but we should be generous to our European friends,

as far as we possibly can be.

When you knock the top off your egg of a morning, Jacob,

are you a peeler or are you a slicer?

Do you know, I'm all in favour of Brexit, I never have breakfast.

-So I can't really...

-Brexfast.

-Or Brexfast.

-ADIL:

-His butler does it, come on.

You're asking the wrong person.

Perhaps he doesn't walk around in daylight.

LAUGHTER

We've covered that. It's all right, we'll carry on. Good. Excellent.

-I love this, it's brisk.

-Yes. Bloody brisk.

Have you got somewhere to go?

-I do, actually.

-Channel 4.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, the Daily Mail insisted that it was right to discuss

the 11 Supreme Court judges' backgrounds. And why not?

Given that they will be passing judgment on what will be an issue

that affects the lives of everyone in the country, here they are.

Here are the 11 judges.

Er...that looks like a picture of your stag party, Jacob.

Nine went to Oxbridge, nine went to public school,

two of which are old Etonians and there is one woman.

-What, only two old Etonians?

-I'm afraid so, Jacob.

LAUGHTER

Most of them are in prison these days, so...

This court case, of course, is pretty momentous.

It's all been extremely exciting.

-Shall we have a look at the riveting workings of the Supreme Court?

-Yeah.

Sadly, we're not actually allowed to show you any footage from the court,

but do you think it'd be possible to sort of stage our own

repertory theatre Crown Court here?

I'd fight anybody who said we couldn't do it.

All right, good.

I've got some scripts here.

-Paul, I'd very much like you to be Lord Pannick.

-Lord Pannick.

Adil, please will you take the part of Lord Clarke?

Jacob, I'd like you to be Lady Hale, please.

And, Ian, please, the President.

No expense spared here on Have I Got News For You.

We've got wigs, we've got ruddy wigs.

I know, Jacob, you said they don't have wigs in the Supreme Court.

-They don't.

-But tonight they do. Just go with it, Jacob.

So two comedy judge wigs for you.

Now, of course, we need a...

APPLAUSE

Which way do they go on?

I'm afraid I'm not wearing a wig.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Come on! Wig! Wig! Wig!

AUDIENCE CHANTS: Wig! Wig! Wig! Wig!

CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES

I'm not wearing a wig for the very obvious reason I'm a Tory

-and I can't therefore wear a "Whig".

-Awww!

I'll happily put it on the desk in front of me.

All right, my love.

That's good, that's good. Well done, Adil. See, Adil's wearing a wig.

I'm wearing a wig. They accuse people like me of not integrating.

-High Court judge!

-APPLAUSE

I've reached the top.

# Stop! In the name of love... #

Where's Diana gone? Where's she gone?

Paul, I very much like the way one flap is sort of back

-and one is forward.

-It's deliberate.

It's very alluring, it's very alluring.

Flirting.

Ian, we've got the President for you.

Who is the President?

Oh, sorry, I said, "Could we get a President wig?" I think...

It's Trump, isn't it?

They might... APPLAUSE

There's been a bit of a mix-up at the wig store. Sorry, Ian.

Catch. Catch.

Jacob...

AUDIENCE BOOS

Oh, what, just because Jacob's not wearing a wig,

Ian's not going to wear one, either?

-Well...

-Oh.

-I think we've won this round already.

It's amazing the number of people

-who think they've got dignity to lose, isn't it?

-Exactly!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Now, it's about the pronunciation of the name in an old case.

OK, lovely, so...

-Gents, let the drama begin, my darlings.

-I'll kick off, shall I?

IN ELDERLY VOICE:

"De Kee-ser."

"I will call it De Kee-ser."

"You say De Kee-ser, I say De Kai-ser."

IN ACCENT:

APPLAUSE

Very strong.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, rounds of applause.

I tell you what, if we keep these on, they'll have to use it.

-They won't be able to cut it out.

-Exactly.

We've got 'em on now.

You should have thought of that before you handed out the props.

Way-hay! Look at this!

We've having a party.

The Supreme Court panel includes Baroness Hale and ten lords,

for whom this is a particularly busy time of year,

as they have a lot of a-leaping to do.

APPLAUSE

One of the Supreme Court judges is Lord Clarke

of...

..which I can only assume is some public school version

of rock-paper-scissors.

APPLAUSE

I think we were right not to wear the wigs.

-I think you're right.

-Jacob, what did you whisper just then?

Something about the wigs?

I said I thought the two of us were right not to wear the wigs.

They're still here if you change your mind.

You know, it wouldn't be beyond the wit of the production team

just to sort of have a photograph of you

and just sort of computer Photoshop the wig on top.

But the BBC wouldn't behave in such a disgraceful way.

Well, I've given them half an hour's warning.

APPLAUSE

Ian and Jacob, take a look at this.

Ah, this is a by-election being held today.

I don't think he's won.

That's the Lib Dems. That's a fish, he's not a Lib Dem.

And that's Zac.

"Something fishy here," says the fish.

"I thought I had a bad day."

By-elections -

we had one last week where very sadly Zac Goldsmith lost his seat

and we've got one in Sleaford and North Hykeham today.

We will have the result by the time this is being watched.

And I expect it'll be a gigantic victory for Conservatism

and therefore a day of rejoicing and song.

It was a big Tory majority that was overturned, though, wasn't it?

-Yeah, in Richmond.

-We didn't have a candidate in Richmond.

Zac was standing as an independent.

Why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?

-Um, why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?

-That's what I asked.

Yes, um...

Because we thought it might reduce Zac's chances of winning.

But why did you want him to win?

He'd just said, "I resign."

Because he had been a Conservative before

and, to be perfectly honest, we didn't want the Lib Dems to win,

which was a worse result than an independent winning

and sadly that worse result came to pass.

-Sort of in spades, really.

-Well, not really -

they've gone from eight to nine in the House of Commons,

which I don't think is going to change the world much.

-Zac lost for the second time in a year.

-Yeah.

-It's not a good year for him, was it?

-He's had a heck of a year.

Of course, he lost the London mayoral election to Sadiq Khan

after a campaign that involved

a little bit of scaremongering about Muslims.

And who else became embroiled in this issue this week?

Oh, yes, the American author

who said that London is becoming Islamic.

-Yes.

-Yes, yes.

Janie Johnson is her name and she tweeted this...

Now, Janie's tweet was met with a variety of responses.

APPLAUSE

Yep.

That is now known as the "Burqin".

-The "Burqin"?

-Yep.

Somebody else responded to Janie...

APPLAUSE

The Labour candidate in Richmond lost his deposit.

Do you know any of the issues that he is big on?

One of them was not getting anyone to vote for him.

That became quite a big issue.

There are more members of the Labour Party in Richmond

than people who voted for him, which is quite poor

if you can't even get your own members to vote for you.

According to The Telegraph...

Probably needed toilet paper when he saw his results coming through.

Does he champion the bidet?

Oh, I don't like a bidet.

-Don't you?

-I don't, no.

Two days before D-Day, did you know that?

It's true.

True story.

I don't know. Jacob, how do you feel about a bidet?

Is it non-you, is it a bit non-you?

A bit INCONTINENTAL.

Who did we learn is quite thin skinned this week?

-Boris Johnson?

-Yeah.

Ministers have been ordered to stop making jokes about him

in a bid to banish his...

Do you think people might take Mr Johnson more seriously

if he actually learnt to dress himself properly?

Have a look at this.

I think that is exactly the attire

you would expect a dashing young foreign secretary to have.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a long tie.

It's more of a noose, really, isn't it?

Now, Jacob, you supported Boris for the leadership, didn't you?

-Yes, great man.

-Until he was...

And very popular on Have I Got News For You?

You supported Boris until he was stabbed in the back by Michael Gove,

then you supported Gove until he was knocked out.

Then you supported Andrea Leadsom.

Presumably that was, kind of, just for a laugh.

In any case, are you really a fan of Mrs May and the chief whips?

Oh, absolutely. There is, um...greater zeal in a convert

than there is in somebody who starts off down the road,

though I certainly accept that my predictions

during the Conservative leadership campaign were not always correct.

You see, you can do the diplomacy thing,

whereas Boris really can't do it, can he?

-Yes.

-Oh, I don't know. I think he's marvellous.

-A jolly good fellow.

-You're just being silly now.

No, I'm not, I'm not.

I think he's a great representative for the country on the world stage.

People want to meet Boris, they're interested in him.

They want to be offended by him, they want to...

The row today is that he said something

that most people know to be true.

So I can't see why people should be too upset.

-I think the shock...

-But then Mrs May said it wasn't true!

Then Mrs May said it didn't fully represent government policy,

-that's a different thing.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the Sleaford and North Hykeham by-election

that's happening as we speak. As has become tradition,

the by-election featured three joke candidates

who stood for the Monster Raving Loony Party,

the Bus-pass Elvis Party, and the Labour Party.

According to The Times, the Green Party were offered £250,000

to sit out the Richmond by-election, but...

..as it was going to be paid in meat-based fivers.

According to a recent review of social integration,

newcomers to this country could soon be made to swear an oath

that encourages immigrants...

..which these days presumably goes,

"I do solemnly swear to shout at myself on buses

"and tell myself to piss off back where I came from."

And onwards to Round Two.

Oh, I love this one. The Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL RINGS

-That's Mark Carney.

-Yes.

-The governor of the Bank of England,

who says we shouldn't worry about anything we're worrying about

at the moment because all our jobs will be taken over by robots.

You are bang-on.

All these robots coming over here, taking our jobs.

Jobs meant for us Pakistanis.

Andy Haldane, the Bank's chief economist,

did have some slightly reassuring news.

What jobs did he deem safe from the robo-invasion?

Robot-making jobs.

-They're going to do well.

-Good.

-They're going to do really well.

Undertakers.

-Ooh, kind of...

-You don't want to be buried by robots, do you?

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-You will be sadly missed.

-Hairdressers.

-Yes! Hairdressers, Ian.

Oh, you're kidding.

-..apparently.

-Well, nannies are indestructible.

Why might robots not be an immediate threat if you work in a laundry?

They're allergic to steam. Rusts them up.

Good, we should all get into water-based industries.

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-I have a superior intelligence,

but it's steam. I cannot take this steam.

You're really enjoying that character, Paul, aren't you?

-You're really good at robots.

-Well, there's a reason for that...

Go on, then.

IMITATING DALEK: Can you do a Dalek?

Brex-terminate!

Jacob, come on. Robot! Robot! Robot!

Jacob, we've all done them.

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING Come on, Jacob.

I would if I could, but I can't.

-ADIL:

-That was brilliant!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The NHS has already started using robots.

A robot is replacing the NHS's only registered...

The NHS used to employ one man - one man -

to offer up his rectum to teach students

how to carry out examinations.

He is being replaced by a...

And here it is.

-ADIL:

-What's that?! What is that bit between his legs?!

We're all thinking that, aren't we?

What is that?! Is it the end of Boris Johnson's tie?

That patient is beyond having his rectum examined. Look at him.

He's got no legs, no torso.

What's up his arse is the least of his troubles.

Does it make the noise?

AARGH!

Or... Mm!

Oh, you'll have to take me out for dinner now.

Yes, this is Mark Carney's warning

that 15 million jobs may be at risk from robots.

Just Eat has delivered its first takeaway using a delivery droid.

The customer was delighted with the service until he failed to tip

and the droid vaporised his house with a thermo laser.

Meanwhile, a robot has gone berserk, injuring bystanders

at a Chinese tech fair. Here is the robot.

It looks like someone's thrown one of Little Mix into a flip-top bin.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Kim Jong-un, Zacchaeus,

Mike Ashley, and Lois Olsen.

BELL RINGS

-We know the topical ones. Zacchaeus...

-Hmm.

Um...

He was a tax collector, and was therefore shunned

by a lot of people in those days who didn't want to pay taxes.

How much things have changed.

Is it not about tax?

Not to do with taxes, but it is to do with money.

Well, that's the man from Sports Direct.

-Mm-hmm. Mike Ashley.

-Who didn't pay people enough.

Well, they've all earnt money, but she's won some money.

Oh, you haven't mentioned Kim, Kim Jong-un.

It's more to do with him.

He's the only one in charge of a rogue nuclear state.

APPLAUSE

They all have too much money apart from Kim Jong-un,

who's had to start selling dog-meat ready meals

to raise money for some nuclear warheads.

Absolutely true, apparently.

So who is Kim planning on selling his dog-meat ready meals to?

Dogs.

-Is he hoping to export them?

-Yes.

Is it the first of our new, exciting trade deals?

Dog meat from North Korea.

According to The Sun newspaper...

Included in the range is powdered dog,

to which you just add hot water. Presumably called Not Poodle.

Predictably, the story did cause a stir in the comments section

on The Sun Online. Well, actually, there was just one comment.

Stephen Bentley wrote...

Now, you mentioned the older lady in the foursome.

80-year-old Lois Olsen, that is, from Canada.

She won 50 million in the lottery this week.

How did she react to the incredible news?

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Bloody hell!

She's from Canada.

-Oh, right.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Bloody hell!

She's from Canada.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, she says...

In the Bible, Zacchaeus was described as...

Zacchaeus was particularly despised

by the Roman stand-up comedian Jimmius Carrus.

Oh, hang on, Jacob, sorry.

Yeah, I've just got word in from the Photoshopping department.

Let's have a little look at this.

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week

features as its guest publication, Carrot Country.

It's got a regular medical page, entitled What's Up, Doc?

And we start with...

The three dwarfs who didn't make it into the pantomime.

Purple, Scrawny and Pungent.

Hey, Snow White.

-JACOB:

-A carrot.

It is, of course, to do with carrots. The answer is...

Carrot Country reveals that carrots used to be purple, red and black

until orange carrots as we know them were bred by the Dutch.

So, selective breeding made them orange, just like the Trump family.

Next...

-JACOB:

-Carrots.

Jacob, are you just going to say carrots for every single answer?

Well, I got one right and we got a point, so I might get another.

I know this one.

It's 25 Liberal MPs.

They're building slowly, but, you know, in 200 million years,

they're going to be right back up there.

It's 25 hours in the day because the Earth is going slower.

And therefore we're going to have an extra hour in the day.

You're absolutely right, there'll be 25 hours in a day.

Next...

-Of the carrot.

-JACOB:

-It's got to be the carrot.

You're absolutely right.

It's the year of the carrot.

Bang on.

That's according to the vegetarian option of the Chinese horoscope.

And next year is the year of the brassica,

so do but that date in your colander.

-GROANS

-Very good, I like that.

Next...

Carrots under cover posing as international playboys in French bars.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-It looked like a carrot, but I am an international playboy.

Carrots under cover Isis sleeping cells.

-Ohh!

-Carrots under cover grow bigger than those that are not under cover.

I'll have to give that to you.

The answer is carrots under cover...

This is the tip for carrot growers

to cover the earth with black plastic sheeting.

Another way is to put extra soil and compost on them.

Mm, the plot thickens.

And finally...

Carrot.

It's riding a horse.

Oh, very strong, Jacob, absolutely right.

Have we got the picture? It's a very good picture.

We've absolutely got the picture.

Or as it's also known, the North Korean set menu for two.

GROANS

So, the final scores are,

on 7, Paul and Adil,

but on 10, Ian and Jacob.

It's an extraordinary win.

Amazing. How? I've no idea.

No idea.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg, Paul Merton and Adil Ray,

and I leave you with news that,

as Donald Trump continues to select his White House team,

there's a successful application for the post of Oval Office intern.

Campaigning in Lincolnshire,

a confident Nick Clegg points the way to number 76.

And after putting an extra-large Christmas cake in the oven,

disaster strikes for Paul Hollywood

as he eagerly decides to lick the bowl.

Goodnight.

-Jacob, do you mind if I have a blow?

-No, no, by all means.

LAUGHTER

No wonder you got 10 points.