Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Adil Ray.

In the news this week, in Surrey, one man reluctantly heeds

the call to serve the nation in Theresa May's government.

As the mayor of Watford drives into work, he's berated by an angry

resident who's been campaigning against badly placed

street signage.

And footage has emerged from Pippa Middleton's wedding

which reveals that it was unwise of her to sneak away from

the reception for a quiet lie down.

On Ian's team tonight is a very funny comedian.

But more importantly he's another non-white face.

Well, it's the end of the series and the show was a bit down

on its diversity quotas.

Please welcome, Phil Wang.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight, a Labour MP who said

after last week's election, it's clear the Tories

are the losers.

And they were.

Except in terms of vote share, number of seats

and who won the election.

Please welcome, Angela Eagle, MP. APPLAUSE

And we start with Ian and Phil.

Take a look at this.

That's Theresa May, leaving the country.

That's the head of the Unionists.

Michael Gove, out of the doghouse.

Yes. And back in again.

Jeremy Corbyn, having his cake and eating it.

LAUGHTER

This must be the humiliating victory of the Tories.

Who I believe are still in power, but by the time of the repeat

they probably aren't.

They're trying to stitch up a deal.

Or form a coalition.

As I think it's formally known.

It's quite a complex process.

You go in with a big bag of money and you say, would you like it?

And they say, no, we'd like some more.

And this takes days.

But it may well be over.

Is it over? No, it's not over.

It's not over? Good.

They've said it's an ongoing thing, they've set the date

of the Queen's Speech.

Meanwhile, the DUP, who let's face it,

are the Wahhabists of Protestantism.

Is that right, is that factually correct?

Yes, it's absolutely correct.

I'm your average socially liberal, lesbian, feminist, vegetarian,

humanist, who's in a civil partnership with a catholic.

And, obviously, I'm looking forward to this DUP alliance

with a great deal of...

LAUGHTER

They're not the only ones who tried to do a deal

with the DUP, are they?

I mean, Labour had a bit of a go. Gordon Brown was quite keen.

We had a little word.

You had a little word, didn't you?

But the arithmetic, it was wrong.

I'm just checking there is no humbug involved in this.

The Queen's Speech has been delayed.

Two days. For the first time in history.

Yes. And the Queen's going to miss Ascot.

Oh no!

Exactly.

Proper sympathy at this time.

She was favourite to win the 330 on Wednesday.

LAUGHTER

You know, they're going to have to ditch so much of the manifesto,

I don't think the Queen's Speech is going to last very long.

It will just be about her royal visits this year.

Which ones are they?

Well, Trump's not coming any more.

Is he?

CHEERING

No, I think he should come. It's spoiling our fun.

LAUGHTER

The world's clown should come and see us.

We can laugh as much as anybody else.

Now, whatever the deal is, we mustn't call it a coalition,

apparently, why is that?

Well, the Tories said that if people didn't vote for them,

there would be a coalition of chaos.

An alliteration is one of the things you've really got to watch out for.

Well, the idea of calling it a coalition, it upset one Tory MP

by the name of Robert Syms.

As you can see from this Twitter exchange.

This is from youlittlequilt on Twitter.

It says:

And here's Robert Syms' reply:

LAUGHTER

OK, and talking of leaders.

So, Arlene Foster.

Yes.

Look familiar to anyone?

Yes, I've had to take legal proceedings, in fact,

because in the current issue of Private Eye they've compared

the leader of the DUP to a much beloved family entertainer.

Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's very little similarity, and it's barely libellous.

LAUGHTER

I sued you once.

Did you? Did you win?

Yeah.

As though I didn't know...

LAUGHTER

Was the settlement a year's subscription to Private Eye?

So, what are the things we know about the DUP?

They're against evolution.

They're biblical literalists.

One of their early slogans, save Ulster from sodomy.

It's no worse than strong and stable.

Come on.

Helpfully, someone on Twitter called Pearly Queen tweeted this.

DUP is actually the noise you make when you Google the DUP.

Theresa May has learned her lesson about how she presents

herself, hasn't she?

She wouldn't do that slightly annoying thing of not answering

a question and just repeating the same phrases over and over.

Would she?

No.

I'm pleased that people from across the party have agreed

to serve in my cabinet and we're going to be getting

on with the job of government.

A cabinet that will get on with the job of government.

Bringing that talent together to ensure that we can

get on with the job.

But what I'm doing now is actually getting on with the immediate job.

How are you feeling?

I imagine you are feeling rather shell-shocked.

What I'm feeling is that, actually, there's a job to be done.

And I think what the public want is to ensure that the government

is getting on with that job.

This is a government getting on with the job.

It's kind of sad, no one's turned up to her dinner party, though.

LAUGHTER

There was a very strange word in there, did you see that?

She said talent.

How desperate are you when you reappoint Michael Gove?

Did you see what Tom Watson said?

Is this the deputy leader of the Labour Party?

That Tom Watson, yes.

Tom Watson alleges Gove was brought back on Rupert

Murdoch's instructions.

He's written a formal letter to Theresa May saying:

Well, Gove was writing for The Times.

And, you know, if you owned the paper, you'd be

desperate to get rid of him.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is that a professional editor's view you're giving us there?

Yeah.

The number of people I've put into the Cabinet...

Bloody hell.

LAUGHTER

Tom Watson sent a letter? Yes.

Politicians must be the only people writing letters still.

Is that why stuff takes so long to get done?

Can they not just e-mail?

No, it has to be written on vellum.

LAUGHTER

What is that? It's goat's skin.

It's like very very classy Basildon Bond notepaper.

OK, you've confused me more now.

It's like Snapchat with animal skin.

LAUGHTER

Boris Johnson, he's, of course, delighted

with Michael Gove's return.

Did you see what he said?

Was it not true?

Well, he tweeted:

Which is Boris speak for, I hope you die.

So, Angela, you're a big fan of Boris, aren't you?

Great fan of Boris.

Yes.

Well, let's have a look at Angela assessing his credentials.

Just after the referendum campaign.

Oh, Boris is fun, he's great, isn't he, bouncing around,

sort of going to be the next Prime Minister.

And all of that.

And they never actually put him...

They've just made him Foreign Secretary.

LAUGHTER

I thought there might be lip readers in the audience.

I was going to ask you that.

What did you say when you turned round?

That's unrepeatable on a family show.

So, we saw Theresa May, saying she's getting on with her job.

What else does she have to do to convince voters?

Oh, she had to sack her advisers.

This was a London resident.

Let's take a look.

Theresa May said on the steps of Downing Street when she became

Prime Minister, she talked about the under privileged,

those who had a sense of burning injustice.

Has Theresa May ever been to Aldi?

Has she ever been Lidl?

In her life.

Let's be real.

If she can tell me what Lidl looks like from the inside, I'll listen

to what Theresa May's got to say.

LAUGHTER

I think it's a fair point. Angela, have you been inside Lidl?

Yep.

Can you tell us what it looks like? Well, it's a supermarket.

But what kind of supermarket? Tell us.

Well, it's a kind of Italian...

Isn't it Italian or Spanish?

I think it's German, isn't it?

German, a German supermarket.

I think if I saw Theresa May in Lidl, I'd feel less

confident about the country.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Looking at the whole Conservative election campaign,

was it a debacle, a catostrophe...

A catastrophe or a shambles?

A catostrophe!

There were a lot of tossers involved.

LAUGHTER

All of those things. All of those?

Absolutely all.

It was the worst election campaign I think I've ever seen anybody run.

What, including yours to challenge Jeremy?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sue him, sue him right now!

To be fair, mine didn't last as long as this did.

No, no.

And I didn't have Lynton Crosby's extremely expensive advice.

No, no, clearly.

LAUGHTER

So were you thrilled when the exit poll came out?

Did you think, yes, Jeremy, you proved me absolutely wrong?

Well done.

I was thrilled.

But I think everyone was astonished. On all sides.

And I thought, well, I think I'll get down to the count

and see what's going on.

Well, where were you?

LAUGHTER

Well, normally at the end of an election campaign you dash

home because you've been up for 17 hours and you've knocked

on as many doors as you can, you're absolutely exhausted.

You go home, you have a quick bath.

You get your suit on.

You turn on the telly to see what the exit poll is,

so you can see what the result is actually going to be.

And then you digest that for a bit and then you go to your own count

to see what's happening.

How do you have a quick bath?

Well, you have to.

Baths take ages.

LAUGHTER

The rest I understood...

LAUGHTER

How have the Europeans reacted to the confusion

and uncertainty in Britain?

Hasn't Macron offered to let us back in?

He said, you can just drop it, "Just drop it all now.

We all feel so sorry for you".

We'll have to wait and see what this strong and stable

government we've got, that's just about to start

the Brexit negotiations next week, is going to do.

But let's face it, she's taken over a week to try to negotiate

with ten DUP members.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And they all speak English.

LAUGHTER

Did anyone see how Macron tricked Theresa May into looking

a bit stupid this week?

Yeah, the Mexican wave thing.

At the France England game.

Yeah, he lured her into a Mexican wave.

Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER

France beat England 3-2 that game, but Jeremy Corbyn is claiming it

as a great victory for England.

Macron did also say to Theresa May that the door is always open.

The dirty devil.

She's in the age range, though, isn't she?

LAUGHTER

Yes, this is Theresa May remaining in No 10 with her job

being to unite the country.

It's not clear to the Conservatives how Labour managed to get so many

young people to vote for them.

An issue which will be thoroughly examined by the 1922 Committee.

LAUGHTER

According to The Guardian, at the first meeting of Labour

MPs since the election, Jeremy Corbyn was greeted

with cheers, a 45 second ovation and desk banging.

Which no one in Labour has done since John Prescott

and his secretary.

LAUGHTER

With an eye to future success, Jeremy Corbyn has carried

out his important reshuffle.

There were few surprises, although he did move

the marrows to a sunnier patch, plant more tomatoes

and scatter some slug pellets.

LAUGHTER

Someone from the allotment.

LAUGHTER

Jeremy will be back on Tuesday.

Paul and Angela, take a look at this.

Yes.

Yes, this is a man with an ear trumpet.

Fondue.

Fondue.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Scientists have discovered that cheese can help restore hearing,

that's what the theory is.

So the US Army are testing this by force-feeding some

of their troops Stilton and Cheddar to see whether it mitigates

the hearing loss from standing next to those very loud explosions that

you tend to get when you're in the Armed Forces.

Does it work?

Don't know, they're testing it!

The fact is, they're testing everything, alphabetically.

Now we're on cheese.

Next week, it'll be Dalmatians.

How does cheese cure deafness, what's the...?

Well, has it's been certain that it does?

There some kind of enzyme or some...

thing in cheese that helps.

You're such an expert, how do you know so much on this?

It's...

When you've been a minister and an MP for so long...

Cheese!

I was the Minister for Allotments.

Were you?

You pick up vast amounts of irrelevant information.

Hang on, you were Minister for Allotments?

Yeah.

What did that involve doing?

Winning World War II!

LAUGHTER

So, how does cheese cure deafness?

Cheese contains a chemical compound which seems to protect

against and even reverse the damage to nerve cells in the ear caused

by loud noises, apparently.

But what's the problem with this cure?

There is a problem with it.

You have to eat a lot of cheese.

A hell of a lot of cheese.

That's absolutely right, you do have to eat a lot

of it to do any good.

About 5 lbs of cheese, in fact.

A day or an hour?

Well, you tell me, you were Minister of Cheese or whatever it was!

This would suggest no one in France is deaf.

LAUGHTER

Which I'm not sure is true.

Now, another politician who used to be interested

in cheese was former Minister for the Environment, secretary,

former Justice Secretary, now Chief Secretary to the Treasury Liz

Truss.

Yes.

Let's remind ourselves.

Yeah.

That speech.

We import two thirds of our cheese.

That is a disgrace.

LAUGHTER

It's like Morecambe and Wise, I just want

it on all the time!

This is the news that cheese may improve your hearing.

As part of the experiment, American soldiers are going to be supplied

with large chunks of Parmesan.

That's one way to make America "grate" again.

LAUGHTER

Also this week, the inventor of the

Hawaiian pizza has died.

It was a very emotionally-charged funeral.

Papa John was crying his eyes out and as always, Sloppy Giuseppe

was a complete mess.

And so to Round 2, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER.

This is Donald Trump's Cabinet meeting in which he's instructed

them all to praise him, one by one, and say

what a great job he's doing.

It's the eeriest thing you've ever seen.

It's really gross.

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look.

Mr President, it's my privilege to be here.

Deeply honoured.

I want to thank you for keeping your commitment to the American workers.

I want to thank you for getting this country moving again

and also working again.

We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing you've given us,

to serve your agenda.

Thank you, Mr President.

It was a great honour, travelling with you around

the country for the last year and an even greater honour to be

here serving in your cabinet.

GROANS FROM AUDIENCE.

It's like everyone's made Donald cry at his birthday party

and the parents have forced them to sit down and say sorry.

Do you think they're watching that in North Korea going, "Oh,

that's a bit sycophantic!"?

What's been the latest development in the Russia

enquiry regarding Trump?

They're getting closer!

Step-by-step, the whiff of Trump is in the air.

As his minions are slowly pushed aside, they will find one very sad

fuckwit on a golden throne.

Crying at images of himself as he realises the world has

completely misunderstood him.

That's exactly the right answer, well done!

APPLAUSE

It's going to happen.

Donald Trump is to be probed...

Yes.

I hope they have a running start for whoever does it!

Hundred yards.

..for obstruction of justice is what they're calling it.

Finally, yet another leader of a country has been openly

mocking Donald Trump.

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, what's he been doing?

He did a sort of impression of him but he didn't know

he was being filmed.

He did an impression of Donald Trump and everyone laughed

and now he's in trouble.

Yes.

He did an impression of the summit.

He did it at a meeting full of journalists...

Suggests he hasn't been Prime Minister very long.

Or he's very proud of his impression?

Indeed.

Wanted to get it out there.

Shall we take a look?

Yeah, go on then.

LAUGHTER

You see, that's a straightforward libel.

LAUGHTER

Yes, this is another event-filled week for

Donald Trump and his family.

According to the Sun, Donald Trump convened a meeting

in which his entire cabinet had to spend 11 minutes praising him.

It's what's commonly known in the White House as orange-nosing.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER.

This is a wildlife documentary.

This is an iguana running away from snakes.

It was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage

and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends, days

trying to get this stuff.

And somebody complained because of a cutaway to another

iguana, a sort of close-up thing and they said this is cheating

somehow, as if you can make an iguana, "Sorry,

love, we missed that, can we do it again?"

So, I don't understand why people are confused

about how films are made.

There was a stunt double iguana, is that what...?

No.

Oh.

There wasn't.

That's why I didn't use the word stunt double iguana.

LAUGHTER

It was one iguana filmed being chased by snakes and then

they had perhaps a close-up of an iguana looking happy

and that was another iguana.

But it was...

LAUGHTER

And I the only one who finds it incredibly

simple to understand?

We've got an iguana now, but that one's not the same one!

Bin it!

LAUGHTER

How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana?

Well, because, maybe it had a hat on or something, I don't know.

LAUGHTER

"Up the Gunners", I don't know.

I don't know, he had a badge, I don't know.

Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?

LAUGHTER

I think it was a protest registered by the snakes.

Yeah.

Because they're shown in this film to be incompetent.

Very poor light.

There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana

and they're so useless, they didn't get anywhere near him.

And the iguana escapes.

And I think they protested, saying it's rigged.

The footage is completely faked, we won the encounter.

And David Attenborough really should just resign.

Can we see the footage, it's so good.

It's great.

It's a fantastic piece of film.

You want to see the fakery row, the scene involving

the lizards and the snake?

Yeah.

Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd like to say I am proud of the part

I unconsciously played in the setup of that joke.

LAUGHTER

The must see moment at last year's Baftas, what did it beat?

It beat Ed Balls' dancing.

Yes, now, that was faked because he had magnets on his feet

and there was somebody underneath the floor

moving them like that.

That's right, it was Ed Balls' Gangnam Style dance.

This is probably going to annoy Paul even more.

But this isn't the first time the BBC's been

accused of faking footage.

Frozen Planet showed footage of newborn polar bears which turned

out to be in an animal park.

You know the Teletubbies aren't real?

There's tiny versions of the same thing inside the costumes.

They weren't tall enough.

Now you're just being silly.

I'm sorry, they are real.

You were doing so well up until that point.

I know, I just lost it, I got angry and started lashing out.

This is the shock news that the iguana versus snake scene

in Planet Earth II might have been faked.

I don't see what all the fuss is about.

With the BBC filming several iguanas, I mean,

they've used at least two different Attenboroughs over the years

and no-one's ever complained.

Time now for the missing words round which this week features

as its guest publication Toastmaster, the magazine

for public speakers.

We start with.

Elections.

LAUGHTER

The answer is.

Let's take a look.

That's horrible.

I got one of them for Christmas.

Next.

I am a failure.

LAUGHTER

We used more than one iguana.

LAUGHTER

Strong and stable!

Hi, I'm Michael Gove.

LAUGHTER

The answer is.

Next.

Diced bread?

Sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread, apparently.

Scientists have conclusively proved there is no difference

between white and brown, but you try telling that to Ukip.

LAUGHTER

Next.

Humans that the dogs can keep as pets.

LAUGHTER

The answer is.

This is a new designer dog house that costs up to ?150,000.

There are various models on offer including this Roman one.

What?

Which, as you can see, has four outside urinals.

LAUGHTER

Next.

That it's pronounced "quinoa", not "quin-ower".

Impossible to talk while up to your eyes in barbiturates.

LAUGHTER

Unless you know differently, of course?

The answer.

Next up.

Is it Melania?

LAUGHTER

A Japanese baseball team this week this week

unveiled their new mascot.

Let's have a look at it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And finally.

A slightly smaller hedge.

Basil Brush.

We'll get there eventually.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

You just keep going.

Fruitjuice fruitjuice-barley.

No, bit more.

It's a person related to her.

Her husband?

Close, I'll give it to you.

It's her son's face.

Let's have a look at her son.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

And now let's have a look at her hedge.

LAUGHTER

I think that's pretty good.

The hedges were sculpted by Michelle Foley, who created

likenesses of her partner, Andrew, and her

21-year-old son, Brennan.

According to the Sun, Brennan's bush can be

seen from the street.

LAUGHTER

Draw your curtains, mate!

So, the final scores are...

It's four points to Ian and Phil and five to Paul and Angela.

Well done, well done.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Angela Eagle.

And I leave you with news that at a secret research lab,

as two government visitors are shown a new deadly and completely

undetectable poison, they are both struck

by the same tempting thought.

LAUGHTER

After Tim Farron's resignation leaves a vacancy

at the top of the party, the Lib Dems' most qualified

candidate puts themselves forward.

And having been praised effusively by his Cabinet,

Donald Trump fails to receive similar respect from

his motorcycle escort.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

Peter Kay's back.

The BAFTA award-winning comedian returns,