Episode 2 Have I Got Old News For You

This is genuinely very spooky indeed,

I was hosting this show the week Saddam Hussein was captured.

I was hosting this show the week Osama Bin Laden was captured,

and today, ladies and gentlemen, the day Westlife split up, here I am.

Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week...

As news of the demise of Colonel Gaddafi flashes around the world,

there is evidence that his team of 20 young female bodyguards

may not be out of work for long.

In South London, a reporter makes an impassioned appeal

for information regarding the whereabouts

of a confused elderly Australian sports fan.

And before performing at the O2 Arena,

Dame Vera Lynn is less than impressed

with the toilet facilities.

On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP and chick-lit author,

who describes her work as "trashy, with no redeeming merit",

on the other hand her chick-lit books are great,

please welcome, Louise Mensch.

With Paul tonight is a writer and presenter

who recently described BBC executives as

"soulless, soulless bastards",

which some might say is a little heavy on the soulless

and a little light on the bastards, please welcome, Danny Baker.

Let's start with a fairly big story, take a look at this.

No-one stops and searches a tractor, do they?

Oh, they're happy.

Oh, no, he's back.

Oh, there we are, in case we didn't know what the story was.

Nice, safe celebrations there.

So, Gaddafi's dead, big comedy moment.

Where was he found?

-A sewer.

-In a sewer pipe.

-A sewer pipe, yeah.

They are always found underground, never in the air.

There must be something online, called "tunnels for tyrants".

TFT!

They're always so mean because they must be offered,

"Do you want the single pipe or do you want the multi-warren?

"No. Just the single pipe for me!" There is never a way out.

They learned their lesson this time,

with Saddam, he was found and they had to put him on trial,

but luckily, this time he was shot.

So we didn't have to see all the character witnesses

turning out for Gaddafi. Tony Blair...!

Oh, yeah.

He didn't get one last broadcast, I used to enjoy his radio shows.

A trip down memory lane with Colonel Gaddafi.

He used to say, "The running dog, treacherous vultures of Washington

"shall pay for their duplicity in the noble blood of a desert race,

"and now for Tracey and all at 35, here is The Beach Boys."

Cryptically Al-Jazeera started off saying that

"a big fish had been found".

While a BBC reporter announced that...

They've got Mick Hucknall!

There was instant reaction around the world,

including the Daily Mail website

where the following message was posted by Shaun from London,

Oh, do piss off, Shaun!

How did the people of Sirte celebrate the news?

They fired bullets into the air.

It's very dangerous to shoot a bullet in the air,

it can come down and kill you.

On fireworks night, I wonder where the rockets come down,

I think this is the lesson, some good could come out of this.

The last bit of the rocket to come down is the wooden stick.

-Yeah. There you are. You could be impaled.

-Yeah, you would.

With the rocket still flaming away up there.

It lands on your head and you go to school the next day

-and you don't know about it.

-That is how this happened.

See? That's how that happened.

That was a Catherine wheel gone wrong.

Do you know what else were they doing in Sirte as celebration?

Were they dressing up as Gaddafi?

Dangerous, I would have thought.

Too soon, too soon.

Apparently, the shops were thrown open so people could help themselves

to whatever they fancied,

a tradition started in Tottenham this year!

Andrew Mitchell, the International Development Secretary said...

He's the cabinet minister with special responsibility for brown nosing.

This is the death of Colonel Gaddafi,

one of the first world leaders to comment was Silvio Berlusconi

who said Sic Transit Gloria Mundi, but it turns out he was saying

that one of his girlfriends had thrown up in a mini-bus.

That is the oldest joke I have ever heard.

It was revealed in the last week that Colonel Gaddafi had been hoping

to negotiate a safe passage out of Libya with a high ranking British contact,

but for some reason, Adam Werritty never turned up.

Ian and Louise, take a look at this.

Oh, he's not bitter.

The former Defence Secretary.

The wrath of something flashing over the Cabinet Office,

there's Gus O'Donnell looking scary. Diary.

Rather empty now, but he's gone.

Dr Fox resigned and he's got a £17,000 pay-off.

David Cameron says we've got to put the story behind us,

forget about it, it was embarrassing, it's over.

-What's wrong with that?

-What's wrong with that? It isn't!

Isn't it?

Not if I can help it!

APPLAUSE

Were you there for his goodbye resignation speech?

-I did hear his resignation speech.

-Were you moved?

I was moved, especially when he thanked his wife

and people around him targeted by the media, I was moved by that.

Did you think, "God, the media, they're to blame?"

I don't know... I don't think the media...

If it hadn't been for the media, he would still be in his job!

I thought that there were legitimate things the media asked

and totally illegitimate things.

Which ones were they?

The innuendo about his personal life.

He said he blurred his personal and professional life,

so presumably we were entitled to ask about the personal life.

There was a legitimate area of enquiry, that's perfectly fine,

most of the coverage was not about that legitimate area of enquiry.

So he had his mate in the room, who wasn't security vetted,

who was listening to briefings he shouldn't.

A mate paid by shadowy transatlantic interests,

including the Israeli Government and the Iranians and others,

who were paying through a fake company called...

What was it called? Sat-nav, or Par Gav or something,

which managed to fork out all the money.

It was a really shocking dereliction of duty.

It was a breach of the ministerial code and he resigned for it...

It was a breach of the code.

That sounds like he's ripped his trousers.

It seems an extraordinary thing to take your mate along

when dealing with nuclear warheads and that.

"Come in, he's all right, he's all right. Come on, sit down."

Order some drinks up, we will have this done in ten minutes, go on!

-There was some cheap innuendo, wasn't there? Quite a lot of it.

-No.

There was no cheap innuendo at all?

If Adam Werritty had been a young girl,

17 years younger than the minister....

who he'd met at a university, put in his own house, given a job,

stuck with him, and taken on holiday to a four-star hotel,

then you would have seen some proper innuendo!

So you are saying Fox resigned because he did something wrong,

or did he?

Here is his colleague Peter Bone MP on Newsnight.

Why not just accept the obvious, that because...

He resigned because he did something wrong.

Absolutely not.

He resigned because he did something right?

He resigned, yes, because he did something right.

I think if Fox's name hadn't been Fox, there wouldn't be sympathy.

I mean, everyone can say Fox was hounded or Fox was hunted.

What if he'd been called Dr Liam Piranha?

Dr Liam Vampire-Squid.

I think we would have had a more accurate representation.

David Cameron said he felt ministerial rules needed to be tightened.

Perhaps what he meant was followed?

Political lobbying is in the spotlight again

after the Fox affair.

David Cameron has been outspoken on this issue for a number of years.

Anyone know what he said about this previously?

He said it was the next big scandal and needed to be sorted out.

Absolutely...

And we are sorting it out, we're bringing in a register on lobbyists.

It was recommended in 2009 by the Select Committee,

Labour voted against it, we are going to bring it in.

Let sunshine win the day.

Who's competing against sunshine for the day?

"Let sunshine win the day" -

who is sunshine competing against for the honour of the day?

I think the night.

-The night can't compete for the day...

-It can try!

..its hours are completely different!

You need sunshine to win the day.

This isn't your most controversial policy, is it?

Sunshine's better than the night-time!

These things only tend to happen once resignation, shame,

police involved, it is like they've been caught shoplifting and said,

"You know what? I'm never doing that again.

"That's in my favour. How about that?"

I blur the distinction between thieving and not thieving.

Another beneficiary of the distraction

provided by the Fox debacle was Oliver Letwin,

or as the Mirror called him...

What has gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Letwin been up to?

He was found in park throwing away papers,

the Mirror said they were secret, they weren't secret or classified,

but Oliver was throwing them away in a bin.

So it was harmless? It was nothing? Fox has meetings abroad,

and there's nothing in those that his mate heard.

There's nothing in these papers. What do your mob actually do?

My uncle lost his job doing his work in the park, he was a grave digger,

so you could see the trouble the council had with that.

A spokesman said...

Is that what Fleet Street calls a scoop?

Letwin has apologised.

I do apologise, because I do understand that constituents may feel

that I shouldn't have allowed their papers to be in that bin.

He shouldn't have allowed it, the papers were going in the bin,

he saw it, but he allowed it!

Things separated from him.

"I saw this happening, I couldn't believe it, but I allowed it!"

And your fellow MP and coalition partner, Mike Hancock,

has been in the news again?

He has.

Debonair Mike Hancock, a stalwart of the Defence Select Committee,

stepped down from it this week,

after it was revealed that a young lady with whom

he had been having an affair might have been a Russian spy.

There is a question that she was allowed to see

some confidential briefings and what have you.

She had a pass, she was vetted by the Commons.

A proper pass or did it just say "advisor" on it?!

A vetted pass, to be fair,

but she was a very young and attractive lady and although...

I hope this isn't innuendo!

It isn't innuendo. She was actually an attractive lady.

The Russian intern and mistress is called Katerina Zatuliveter,

she's currently fighting extradition.

In the papers, Mike Hancock was described as being...

That is code for "a bit of a shagger".

They said she was immensely valuable to Russian intelligence

because of the ease she forms intimate relationship.

That is code for "a bit of a slag".

How come he's only a shagger but she's a slag? That's worse.

Tiny bit of sexism, I think, in the comparable terms that you just used.

It's the code.

Whose code? Is it the blokes' code?

-You're breaching the comics' code.

-I'm just saying what the code of the tabloids is.

-It is the male code.

-Ahh, the evil tabloids.

Everybody knows what the code means.

I'm not defending the code, I think it is abhorrent!

Can't we say they both have inappropriate relationships?

There we are.

They have blurred the line between not having sex and having sex.

Because they went so fast there was a blur, and they blurred,

who is doing what to who, I have no idea, pass the biscuits,

then they woke up and it was all a dream.

What was Mike Hancock's seduction technique?

He didn't have to do anything, she had the opening line,

"I hear you have a huge naval base in your constituency."

"Want to find out, baby?"

Well, apparently he offered her a CD.

Here's the navel, there's the base, do you know what I mean, darling?

You won't be taking this up the Kremlin, will you?

Yes, no, he offered her a CD.

-A CD?

-Yes.

She eventually moved into his London flat.

A while later, he submitted a claim for an iron for the flat.

He said he needed one because...

I bet you do, Mike, you old rascal!

Yes, it's another bad week for the Coalition.

One MP in trouble is Lib Dem Mike Hancock,

whose young lover faces deportation for being a Russian spy.

Miss Zatuliveter was described in court as...

..and Lib Dem backbenchers.

Miss Zatuliveter strongly denies being a spy,

but admits affairs with...

She can always make room in her diary for Hancock's Half Hour!

It is alleged Miss Zatuliveter had an affair with an MP in order

to obtain Government secrets, though if that was all she wanted,

she could have gone to a St James's Park bin.

Paul and Danny, take a look at this.

This is the travellers being run out of the...

-Olympic Stadium is coming on well.

-Yes, doing well.

The Olympic rings, only three have turned up.

Yes, that is the demolition

of part of the Dale Farm traveller site near Basildon.

It is reported that several people have been tasered,

many Essex residents thought it was a new beauty treatment!

It is about ten years this has been going on.

They have spent £18 million, essentially,

on what is something like 40 families.

It is the most staggering waste of time and effort.

People have said, "I can't believe this much money has been spent on

"what should be, given all the other problems,

"something a bit soluble."

Or at least, in the modern way, turn it into some kind of show.

"The caravan being evicted this week is..."

What's the other protest going on peacefully?

The protest outside St Paul's against the terrible world economy.

They may have to close the gap.

They have already had to close the shop and cafe.

-What is happening to religion?

-I know.

They were protesting against the Stock Exchange,

but they couldn't camp outside there, and St Paul's said,

"All right, you can camp here."

It was amusing to see the longest queue ever for Starbucks

in the history of the world in that square

at a protest against capitalism.

What are the London protesters trying to achieve?

The overthrow of the corrupt system, as they see it, no?

They tweet about it on their iPhones, perhaps between getting cafe lattes,

and housing themselves in very fancy tents.

They are against capitalism, except for the lattes.

If they buy coffee, their opinions are worthless?

If they prop up a corporate item like Starbucks, they have to ask

themselves how much of capitalism they really, really don't like...

You can't negate them because they have a cup of coffee.

It is like saying to a condemned man on the way to the gallows,

"You ate your last meal, what's the matter with you?!"

You can't be against capitalism then take everything that it provides and say,

"This is terrific, but I hate the system you provide."

Everything?! A cup of coffee?

One cup of coffee and they can't...?

Can't they be about...? Sorry.

HE MUMBLES

No, no, no.

It is just so obvious, I can't be bothered.

What were you going to say?

You don't have to want to return to a barter system in the Stone Age

to complain about the financial crisis affecting the world, do you?

Even if you're having a cup of coffee and you've got a tent.

APPLAUSE

You really can't get out there and say, "Capitalism is crisis,"

and enjoy everything it brings and revel in it.

You keep saying "everything", they had a cup of coffee.

That is not everything!

According to the Guardian...

Right. That sounds really effective.

Much better to get some lobbyists in!

APPLAUSE

What did Matthew Watkinson, an extra from Downton Abbey say?

If he has drunk coffee, I'm not interested.

I'm not interested. He's worthless!

His opinion is of no value at all.

If I can smell an espresso on your breath, get out of here.

So Matthew Watkinson, an extra from Downton Abbey...?

Is he from upstairs or downstairs? That will make a difference.

I don't know. He could be both.

He could be saying,

-IN A CORNISH ACCENT:

-"Yes, my Lord",

or he could be saying,

-IN A POSH VOICE:

-"Hello!"

I've not yet seen it, I now don't need to.

That's it, that's the whole plot.

Have you not seen Downton Abbey?

No, I was on tour when it was on, last time. This time...

Pfft... missed it!

You blurred the line between watching it and missing it,

you blurred that line.

Anyway, Matthew Watkinson told the Mail why he was at the camp.

He said...:

Right, yes(!)

This is the battle of Dale Farm.

The leader of Basildon Council, Tony Ball, said...

Those on the outside can taser away as much as they like!

Meanwhile, there have been anti-capitalist protests

in various cities around the world.

Outside St Paul's Cathedral, unemployed protestor Catherine Garraty said...

Things are bad when you have to eat Oliver Letwin's correspondence!

The most violent protests saw young people

go on the rampage in Italy, and if anyone's guilty

of screwing the younger generation, it's Silvio Berlusconi.

APPLAUSE

And so to round two, the strengthometer of news,

fingers on buzzers, teams, here is the first one.

They found out this week there is a virus that attacks people

who go in for the essential treatment of having your rough skin

taken off your toes by fish, instead of a pumice stone.

However, you may find you lose a leg.

It's a belief you might be able to catch hepatitis from them,

the fish suffer because they get athlete's gill.

Bunion fin, they get that as well.

It sounds like a country and western singer. Bunion fin.

That's exactly right, Hepatitis C and HIV. You're right.

Let's hear how Newsnight's Emily Maitlis described it

when she had one earlier this year...

Oh, Emily!

Get yourself down the clinic

and take your hepatitic feet with you now.

How could these infections be passed on?

Rumour!

I tend to think it has something to do with whitebait,

-I've not made the connection yet...

-No.

-..but I'm sure

that once those fish have outlived their usefulness,

several restaurants I know will have them.

Basically you're taking some old boy's toe fat

-and that is how these things get out!

-That is the economic reality.

Well, according to The Sun, infections and bacteria

may be passed on by the fish themselves or through water

used by a previous client and left unchanged.

It is not just the feet owners at risk.

What peril do the fish face?

-Don't you call me fish-face!

-He's a guest on the programme!

The fish are starving, they are not getting enough to eat.

That's exactly right, yes.

This is the story which made the front page of The Sun under the headline...

..also the somewhat surprising sequel to Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

It seems fairly self-explanatory.

This is about people changing their names by deed poll.

And we lead the world in it, don't we?

I think I'll give you that.

This is the news that 60,000 people a year now change their names

by deed poll, compared with just 197 in the year 2000.

The process has been dramatically simplified.

Ten years ago it was complicated, now you only need £33

and a few minutes to fill out the form.

Anyone think of any exceptionally hilarious names being changed?

We can't think of anything hilarious.

That's not what we are here for.

I've come here to read the metre. I don't know why it's taking so long.

There is ASDA worker Greg Lewis, who went for Dr Pasty-Smasher Omelette.

And Liverpool fan Shaun McCormack who changed his name to...

Torres moved to Chelsea a few months later.

What came as a surprise to Dr Pasty-Smasher Omelette?

There was someone else by that name.

He said when he found out he had officially changed his name,

he was surprised. He said...

He's too stupid to be a doctor.

Bang that thing with a hammer again, we've had enough of this one.

Hit me too, I have had enough of this programme.

Apparently some people choose to fuse their surnames

when they get married.

Michael Pugh and Rebecca Griffin fused their surnames

to become Mr and Mrs Puffin.

They told the Telegraph...

Yeah, yeah. Until they manage to scrape together £33.

Sometimes changing your name can involve changing just a vowel,

our very own Paul Martin became Paul Merton,

David Williams became David Walliams

and Brian Cant said it was the best £33 he ever spent.

APPLAUSE

Now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication, Bin Bulletin...

..specially designed to go straight in, and we start with...

Whose head is that?

I'm afraid it smells a bit?

I'll keep the camera.

This is the story of a person who found a handbag

that was lost at the airport,

sent it back but kept the camera in it as a reward for themselves.

Tabloid readers were shocked that they kept the camera,

rather than the customary thing which is stuff it

down your pants and take a photograph and then return it.

-Physically violated.

-Utted.

-That's what it is, he was utted.

Demands strip-search of rival.

Ooh-la-la!

Ed Martin was accused of hiding the letter G,

his opponent said he should be strip-searched,

when they searched him in the toilet all they found was a Q.

Tony Blair is a fan of Scrabble.

To this day, it's the only time he's seen WMD in Iraq.

THEY GROAN

Next...

Nutted me.

She didn't seem to mind.

Michael Winner explained...

Her Majesty ignored Michael because that is what everyone tends to do.

Finally...

God does exist.

The mummy returns.

This is the taxi driver who has become the first man to be

mummified in the style of the Ancient Egyptians.

Ancient Egyptians believed in the afterlife you had to cross

the river of fire, I'm guessing he will be the only taxi driver

crossing that river this time of night.

The final scores are, Ian and Louise on six,

Paul and Danny on seven.

Before we go, there is time for the caption competition.

Ian and Louise, you have this.

David Cameron woos the women's vote.

Mrs Thatcher attends Dr Fox's birthday party.

APPLAUSE

Paul and Danny get that.

Specially posed photograph appears in newspapers.

Pied Piper tells Jobcentre, "I've still got it!"

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Louise Mensch, Paul Merton and Danny Baker.

There is a worrying sight for Michael Jackson's doctor

as he arrives for his LA trial.

In West Dorset, one constituent decides he might as well

cut out the middleman and wait for a personal meeting with Oliver Letwin.

And returning home from a friend's stag night,

Eamonn Holmes loses his front door key.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd