Episode 2 Have I Got Old News For You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

In the news this week...

In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm

is boosted by a high-profile customer

for its new arse elbow separator.

It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs

and all Britain's exhausted contestant has to do

to clinch the title of world champion

is to sit on the chair.

And after one garden shed burglary too many,

the Godalming Neighbourhood Watch group get serious.

With Ian tonight is a comedian

who says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice.

Really?

That's odd, all the people I ever worked with at the BBC

told me they couldn't stand you.

Please welcome Humphrey Ker.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedy writer

who recently created a new version of The Ladykillers,

where a sweet, innocent old lady

finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits.

I know the feeling.

Please welcome Graham Linehan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Humphrey, take a look at this.

-It's Abu Qatada.

-Surrounded by a miasma of hate!

He's staying to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

That's the backlog of cases. Yep, you're a mug.

This was the week where the Government was very keen

to get back its reputation for competence...

-and it didn't go so well.

-No.

We announced we were going to get rid of Abu Qatada.

"He's off on Tuesday."

Then today we find out, "Oh, we can't,"

because he's put in an appeal.

And the Home Office said he had to appeal by Monday night

and the European Court of Human Rights said,

"No, it's Tuesday night."

-No-one appears to have checked.

-It's a classic diary error.

We've all done it.

"Which day is the 17th?

"Monday, I think.

"I'll check when I get home."

Well, a correct answer, actually,

is when the court officials who actually set the deadline say it is.

But I notice his lawyers only put the appeal in

one hour before the deadline.

They just love living on the edge.

I imagine it's not a lot of fun being a human rights lawyer.

You've got to live vicariously when you have the chance!

What Abu Qatada's done wrong

is he's not got the right sort of PR behind him.

If you could make him seem a bit more lovable,

people might not be quite so keen.

So, I think get the cockneys to like him first.

-HAVE A BANANA THEME:

-# Abu Qatada. #

Like this.

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

I'd like to have my own theme tune as well.

Cos I think we should all have one.

What would yours be?

I'd like to have the sound of broken glass

followed by a high-pitched female voice saying, "Leave it, Dave, he's not worth it."

Do you know how Abu Qatada...

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

..has been described in the press?

He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain.

The Times describes Qatada as, "radical Muslim cleric,"

The Sun as, "hate preacher,"

and the Daily Telegraph as...

"Mr Qatada."

The Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights

previously ruled that Abu Qatada couldn't be sent home to Jordan

as there was a likelihood that evidence obtained by torture

would be used against him.

According to The Times,

the Jordanian government said they would "bend over backwards," -

anyone who accused them of torturing prisoners.

Reassuring, isn't it?

And what have Labour MPs accused Theresa May of doing?

Not knowing which day of the week it is.

They've accused her of "dragging her heels."

-Very good.

-Yeah, here's some evidence to back it up, guys.

Because of THAT we missed the deadline?

And meanwhile, what has the Libyan military commander

Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of doing?

Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured.

Yeah, he was basically a gift to Gaddafi.

Blair and Straw needed a present for their favourite dictator.

You know, maybe they'd get one in return - oil rights or...

I don't know, a bung when you leave office.

Ha-ha-ha! That won't go in!

-Extraordinary accusation there!

-Extraordinary!

Suggesting that Mr Blair has made a HUGE amount of money

since leaving a bloodstained period when he was in charge.

I do hope that doesn't get through(!)

This man is suing Straw personally and he might win.

So we could find out what happened in the Blair years,

which is quite exciting.

For some of us.

Well, I've actually had my house extraordinarily rendered.

Or stone clad, as the builder called it.

The rendition of Belhadj took place

just before Tony Blair met Gaddafi for the "deal in the desert".

According to The Sunday Times,

"He had no recollection of the Belhadj case,"

and went on to ask, "What war in Iraq?"

-In other terrorism news...

-Yes!

I'm sorry, we have to plough this furrow a little further -

-not for long.

-I'm all for it.

We'll have a big knob on in a minute.

What's that?

Paul, I don't know, I just said "knob" to lighten the atmosphere.

Oh, I see, "knob ON." I thought, like a marathon,

-I thought it was all one word.

-Oh, right!

-That was the only way I would watch the Olympics.

-What?

-If there was a knob on.

-Oh, I see.

In other terrorism news - I'm not going to do this for long -

but a Taliban commander has been arrested.

Was this as a result of a complicated undercover operation?

-The answer to that must, surely, be no.

-The answer, surely, is no.

Mohammad Ashan walked up to a checkpoint,

held up a wanted poster bearing his own face

and demanded the 100 finder's fee.

That is a CLASSIC mistake.

He should have held out for 200.

Well, an official declared, "Clearly the man is an imbecile."

How are we getting on with the noise of the broken glass

and, "Stop it, Dave, he's not worth it," for my noise?

-How's that coming along?

-I don't know, is that coming along?

No.

Who'd like to see the next President of the World Bank in action?

-Yes!

-Oh, yeah.

-No, I wouldn't.

His name is Jim Yong Kim

and Obama has just announced his appointment

as head of the World Bank.

It's in safe hands. Here he is.

# I've had the time of my life

# And I've never felt this way before

# And I swear it's the truth

# And I owe it all to you. #

Dirty bit!

DANCE MUSIC

Half man, half pillar box.

-Yeah, look at him, a real banker!

-Yeah.

He's DOWN with the interest rates!

# This is hot tonight

# Go, go be green Go, go! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What's he in charge of?

-He is in charge of the World Bank.

He's in charge of all the money?!

So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune.

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

-Now we've got lined up, for you, what you suggested earlier.

-Really?

What was yours again?

Well, I'd like to hear the sound of a goat doing Frank Sinatra records.

Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram.

Have you got it?

I'd like my theme tune to be a lorry driving through Cornwall.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On a Wednesday.

Have you got it?

So this is the latest attempt to deport...

-MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

-..Abu Qatada.

Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge said,

"There is a real possibility he will abscond."

Yes, the last thing we want him to do is leave the country(!)

Theresa May is looking for ways of speeding up Qatada's extradition

and says she will be,

"Examining the processes and procedures used in Italy".

Where they're much tougher -

any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there.

Talking about his past, The Sun found a school friend

who told them Qatada was a normal young man.

He was interested in girls and listened to Pink Floyd.

So very normal, except with him

the girls got stoned AFTER they listened to Pink Floyd.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Paul and Graham, take a look at this...

Oh, this is obviously 100 days to go.

These are a lot of visitors at the Olympic Stadium. There we are.

"What the bloody hell's going on here?"

That's a very bad camera that's been used by the BBC.

You can't quite see what's happened.

Yes, this is the Olympic Games - 100 days to go, 98 days to go,

97 days to go or, if you're watching on Dave, three years ago.

And what an extraordinary Games they turned out to be.

So, yeah, this is the news that it's not long till the Olympics

or as it's known in The Independent,

"The £11 billion tax funded advertising campaign

"for some of the world's worst companies."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Does anyone know why that VT was pixellated at the end?

-It's copyright, isn't it?

-That's right...

-Almost everything.

So, beneath that pixellating I think there are the Olympic rings.

-Yeah...

-In some cultures are the rings considered pornographic?

I think that's what's under there. They look like rings.

-Are you going to unpixellate it in an act of daring?

-I'm not allowed to.

If I did I would get sent to Jordan with...

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

No, the VT's pixellated

because we're not allowed to show the Olympic logo

because it comes under the remit of two acts of Parliament

preventing misuse of Olympic logos.

Well, I mean, we could have got permission

but I'd have had to have jumped through all sorts of hoops.

It was very heavily policed in China, wasn't it?

Didn't they go into the toilets

and if you get one of those hand dryers

they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company

who do the hand dryers.

They're actually going to be doing that here, yes.

In the toilets, soap dispensers, wash basins...

And you're allowed take in any drink or product that isn't sponsored,

which will be tough for the Queen, isn't it?

-Why?

-She's a brand.

-Oh, I see what you mean.

-A brand.

I thought you meant she liked a McDonald's burger, or something.

She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we speak.

Also, the athletes aren't allowed to Tweet.

There's, like, really hardcore guidelines

about what they're allowed to say on the internet, about what they're doing.

Like, they can't say, "Oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water."

It has to be like, "I love super action megawater!"

Also, isn't there something about local businesses?

Like the Olympic Kebab Grill, or something,

that's been forced to change its name in case people think,

"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"

Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford

was told he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic

and he'd have to change the sign.

Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it.

So, according to the Newham Recorder...

-That's very good.

-Well, he's painted the "O" out.

So if you have trouble finding it, the Cafe Olympic is excellent value

and it's at...

-Now there's...

-Do you have to book?

You probably do now.

Little Chef were told

they should consider changing the name of their Olympic breakfast.

No, really?

Yes, as it was "unhelpful" to the 2012 Olympics.

Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast!

There it is.

Look, that's a magnificent effort by the British runner!

Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausage, potatoes and beans

or as I call it - the modern heptathlon!

Do you know who will be unable to accept his invitation

to the opening ceremony?

It's me.

-Ahh.

-Ahh.

I'm going to be washing my hair!

Does that take all day?

I've no... Who can't come?

-The Who's drummer, Keith Moon.

-Oh, yes.

His manager was asked by the opening ceremony organisers

if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of the band,

despite having been dead for 34 years!

Hasn't stopped The Rolling Stones!

Wouldn't put it past Keith, though.

Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it,

that he was playing the drums

and he just starts, kind of, nodding, starts nodding off.

And a roadie had to crawl onto the stage

and inject his heel with amphetamines and he just, kind of, went...

Came back to life!

Like the rabbit with the long-lasting battery.

BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include what?

Rings.

Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics

will no longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week.

I found out that Diana died on Ceefax.

I still don't know how she died

because the second page hasn't loaded yet.

This is the marking of 100 days to go till the Olympics start.

And even more excitingly, 116 till it's all over.

And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of legacy,

which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt.

The closing ceremony will feature songs which represent

different eras of British music. According to The Independent...

..as it clashes with the filming of Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert.

And so to round two. It's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-That's Pippa Middleton, with a gun.

-HUMPHREY: So it is.

She's not the one holding the gun, though.

A nicely-focused picture for someone that's about to be shot.

-Hmm. Yeah.

-The name's Middleton.

-Was this in Paris?

We presume it's a mock gun.

It's unclear, because someone in the car

worked for the gun manufacturing company called Heckler & Koch.

Heckler & Koch?

LAUGHTER

That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic.

I actually had an experience like that at The Comedy Store.

-Yeah. You couldn't go back on for the second half, could you?

-No.

At the weekend, this was considered slightly distasteful,

given the recent events in France.

He got this gun out from the glove compartment

while they were driving around and then waved it at the paparazzi.

It was a sort of good-humoured threat.

"You might die."

What could the punishment be if the gun turns out to be real?

-Seven years.

-Seven years in prison for all parties involved.

-What, everyone in the car?!

-Yeah.

-Really?!

-Ooh, you're looking really chirpy now.

-"Really?!"

-That would be a first. We'd have to extradite Pippa.

Apparently, the case is being dealt with at, according to the Express...

So, way over Sarkozy's head, then.

This is the news that Pippa Middleton

has been driving through Paris with a French playboy brandishing a gun.

So now it's Pippa's turn to be upstaged by an arse.

Kate and Pippa's brother James has also been revealed

to be running a saucy cake business.

He insists he's a self-made man and recently said...

Well, he clearly knows nothing about cakes, then.

Speaking of cakes,

the Swedish culture minister was in trouble this week

after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist cake.

The cake was designed to highlight the abuse of women...

Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped making those in the 1970s.

So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Somebody has invented a TV channel for dogs.

Dogs have nothing to do and you think,

"I wish that dog could watch a TV programme devoted to what dogs like,"

and somebody's done it. It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased,

sticks being thrown across rivers, loads of trees,

dogs just look at it and dogs are happy.

It's Dog TV all the way.

It is indeed.

APPLAUSE

According to Sky News, Dog TV is an eight-hour block

-of on-demand cable TV programming...

-On demand by who?

A Labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind?

Any idea what programmes will appear on Dog TV?

Yes, a load of made-up programmes with dog puns in the title.

Here's two. Britain's Got Lampposts.

-Britain's Got Lampposts?

-All right!

-Sorry!

-Are these real?

-No, they're not.

-What about Down Boy Abbey?

-Yeah, that's good.

The Dog Channel takes its responsibilities very seriously.

Only after the 9pm watershed does it show any bottom-sniffing.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate name.

That asterisk and that upside-down letter

should give you some idea what it is.

So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week

on whether to change its name.

Do you know what's prompted the name change?

Is it that the name is BLEEP?

It only became a problem during the Second World War

when American soldiers came in and started giggling all the time.

Apparently, some traditionalists want the 16th-century name

for the village reinstated, which was Fugging.

And what's the potential problem with a name change?

GRAHAM: I don't fugging know.

According to the mayor, Franz Meindl...

APPLAUSE

The residents have been told to lighten up and cash in

by Juergen Stoll, who runs a guesthouse

in the Swiss village of Wank.

Mr Stoll added...

Single rooms only, of course.

It's time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you this week.

Mitt Romney's dog,

a series of ads claiming homosexuality is curable,

a pheasant in Gloucestershire and a traffic cop in Vietnam.

Well, that poster -

"Not gay, ex-gay, post-gay, proud. Get over it!"

That was on the side of a bus

or it was going to be and then Boris banned it.

-Yeah.

-That traffic cop, there was a story about him

jumping on a bus trying to give it a ticket.

So he was on the side of a bus.

Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck to the side of a bus.

No, he went on a bus, the dog.

Mitt Romney put his dog in a crate on top of his car

and drove it many hundreds of miles.

So it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle.

Yeah. This pheasant is the official driver for the 2012 Olympics.

I think this pheasant is one of those birds

that regularly does a commute from Nottingham to Lincoln

or something like that. I think it's a regular thing.

The poster's the only thing that's not been on a moving vehicle.

-We were getting there!

-Hey! We get first dibs.

-You're all right. Yes, it's...

Oh, it's not the Lib Dem conference, come on!

I wish it was.

-Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg.

-Really?

Yeah, face-down on Hackney marshes...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, although you weren't quite right about the pheasant.

But anyway, the Vietnamese traffic cop was Lieutenant Manh Phan.

-Manh Phan?

-Manh Phan. I know.

Talking of gay buses.

"I'm not gay, I'm just a MAN FAN."

Yes, the clip of him went viral after he was spotted

clinging onto the front of a bus in Vietnam.

Who wants to see Lieutenant Phan in action?

-ALL: Oh, yes.

-Yes. Here we go.

It looks like an On The Buses, Dad's Army mash-up.

Did anyone catch what he was shouting there?

"Stop filming me."

"When is the next request stop?"

According to The Times, he was heard yelling...

A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40-mile trip

after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill.

The pheasant has made a full recovery.

OK. They've all travelled on the outside of a vehicle

apart from the anti-gay advertising campaign,

which wasn't allowed to appear on the outside of buses.

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, banned the ads,

having always been a champion of gay women,

or as he calls them, a challenge.

Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car

with the family dog on the roof, or as his dog called it, the ruuff!

Sorry.

In a similar incident, George W Bush

also put his dog on the roof before travelling.

Sadly, that was on Air Force One.

A Vietnamese traffic cop was seen

clinging to the front of a speeding bus.

Here he is, as we've seen.

The bus was driven by Phung Hong Phuong

and was stopped by traffic cop Nguyen Manh Phan.

It was captured on video by Ang On Tightly.

Yeah... Yeah.

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication, Blaze,

the lighter magazine.

If it was about something interesting, it would no doubt be heavier.

And we start with...

HUMPHREY: Equals one hell of a night.

-GRAHAM: Chocolate.

-What? Hexagonal nut chocolate?

Flat kick arm with nipple... That sounds like a good night out, actually.

Next...

HUMPHREY: Still a virgin at 44.

GRAHAM: Has umbrella handle sticking out of his bottom.

This is Matt Wilks of the Isle of Wight who bought an umbrella hat

on eBay and was hit twice by lightning within minutes.

According to the Sun, he was going to...

Not sure what he was going as. Presumably a twat.

And finally...

Ann Widdecombe!

What news does he have of life beyond the veil?

-Golden wheels.

-Golden wheels?

-Yes.

"Run into the light!" "I can't!"

After being buried, the hamster dug himself out of his grave.

This story has upset a lot of children,

but if you're watching kids, please don't worry,

it can't happy with Jimmy Savile.

So the final scores are Paul and Graham have five

and Ian and Humphrey have seven.

Another terrific win!

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

It's a freeze-frame!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Thank you very much!

David Attenborough lives over there. Let's see how he likes it!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Humphrey Ker,

Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.

I leave you with news that the Japanese government

announces that, after the meltdown,

the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant

are once more full of salmon.

Just as he thinks he's found the perfect picnic spot,

there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin.

And as staff at London Zoo unveil their new charity calendar,

there are concerns that Miss December

may not get past the censors.

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd