Episode 2 Have I Got Old News For You


Episode 2

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

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In the news this week...

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In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm

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is boosted by a high-profile customer

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for its new arse elbow separator.

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It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs

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and all Britain's exhausted contestant has to do

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to clinch the title of world champion

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is to sit on the chair.

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And after one garden shed burglary too many,

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the Godalming Neighbourhood Watch group get serious.

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With Ian tonight is a comedian

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who says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice.

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Really?

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That's odd, all the people I ever worked with at the BBC

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told me they couldn't stand you.

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Please welcome Humphrey Ker.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a comedy writer

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who recently created a new version of The Ladykillers,

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where a sweet, innocent old lady

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finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits.

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I know the feeling.

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Please welcome Graham Linehan.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Humphrey, take a look at this.

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-It's Abu Qatada.

-Surrounded by a miasma of hate!

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He's staying to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

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That's the backlog of cases. Yep, you're a mug.

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This was the week where the Government was very keen

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to get back its reputation for competence...

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-and it didn't go so well.

-No.

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We announced we were going to get rid of Abu Qatada.

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"He's off on Tuesday."

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Then today we find out, "Oh, we can't,"

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because he's put in an appeal.

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And the Home Office said he had to appeal by Monday night

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and the European Court of Human Rights said,

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"No, it's Tuesday night."

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-No-one appears to have checked.

-It's a classic diary error.

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We've all done it.

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"Which day is the 17th?

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"Monday, I think.

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"I'll check when I get home."

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Well, a correct answer, actually,

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is when the court officials who actually set the deadline say it is.

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But I notice his lawyers only put the appeal in

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one hour before the deadline.

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They just love living on the edge.

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I imagine it's not a lot of fun being a human rights lawyer.

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You've got to live vicariously when you have the chance!

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What Abu Qatada's done wrong

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is he's not got the right sort of PR behind him.

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If you could make him seem a bit more lovable,

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people might not be quite so keen.

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So, I think get the cockneys to like him first.

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-HAVE A BANANA THEME:

-# Abu Qatada. #

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Like this.

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MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

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I'd like to have my own theme tune as well.

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Cos I think we should all have one.

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What would yours be?

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I'd like to have the sound of broken glass

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followed by a high-pitched female voice saying, "Leave it, Dave, he's not worth it."

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Do you know how Abu Qatada...

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MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

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..has been described in the press?

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He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain.

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The Times describes Qatada as, "radical Muslim cleric,"

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The Sun as, "hate preacher,"

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and the Daily Telegraph as...

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"Mr Qatada."

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The Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights

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previously ruled that Abu Qatada couldn't be sent home to Jordan

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as there was a likelihood that evidence obtained by torture

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would be used against him.

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According to The Times,

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the Jordanian government said they would "bend over backwards," -

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anyone who accused them of torturing prisoners.

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Reassuring, isn't it?

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And what have Labour MPs accused Theresa May of doing?

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Not knowing which day of the week it is.

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They've accused her of "dragging her heels."

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-Very good.

-Yeah, here's some evidence to back it up, guys.

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Because of THAT we missed the deadline?

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And meanwhile, what has the Libyan military commander

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Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of doing?

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Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured.

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Yeah, he was basically a gift to Gaddafi.

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Blair and Straw needed a present for their favourite dictator.

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You know, maybe they'd get one in return - oil rights or...

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I don't know, a bung when you leave office.

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Ha-ha-ha! That won't go in!

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-Extraordinary accusation there!

-Extraordinary!

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Suggesting that Mr Blair has made a HUGE amount of money

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since leaving a bloodstained period when he was in charge.

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I do hope that doesn't get through(!)

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This man is suing Straw personally and he might win.

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So we could find out what happened in the Blair years,

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which is quite exciting.

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For some of us.

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Well, I've actually had my house extraordinarily rendered.

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Or stone clad, as the builder called it.

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The rendition of Belhadj took place

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just before Tony Blair met Gaddafi for the "deal in the desert".

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According to The Sunday Times,

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"He had no recollection of the Belhadj case,"

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and went on to ask, "What war in Iraq?"

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-In other terrorism news...

-Yes!

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I'm sorry, we have to plough this furrow a little further -

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-not for long.

-I'm all for it.

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We'll have a big knob on in a minute.

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What's that?

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Paul, I don't know, I just said "knob" to lighten the atmosphere.

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Oh, I see, "knob ON." I thought, like a marathon,

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-I thought it was all one word.

-Oh, right!

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-That was the only way I would watch the Olympics.

-What?

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-If there was a knob on.

-Oh, I see.

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In other terrorism news - I'm not going to do this for long -

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but a Taliban commander has been arrested.

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Was this as a result of a complicated undercover operation?

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-The answer to that must, surely, be no.

-The answer, surely, is no.

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Mohammad Ashan walked up to a checkpoint,

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held up a wanted poster bearing his own face

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and demanded the 100 finder's fee.

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That is a CLASSIC mistake.

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He should have held out for 200.

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Well, an official declared, "Clearly the man is an imbecile."

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How are we getting on with the noise of the broken glass

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and, "Stop it, Dave, he's not worth it," for my noise?

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-How's that coming along?

-I don't know, is that coming along?

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No.

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Who'd like to see the next President of the World Bank in action?

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-Yes!

-Oh, yeah.

-No, I wouldn't.

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His name is Jim Yong Kim

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and Obama has just announced his appointment

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as head of the World Bank.

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It's in safe hands. Here he is.

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# I've had the time of my life

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# And I've never felt this way before

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# And I swear it's the truth

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# And I owe it all to you. #

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Dirty bit!

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DANCE MUSIC

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Half man, half pillar box.

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-Yeah, look at him, a real banker!

-Yeah.

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He's DOWN with the interest rates!

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# This is hot tonight

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# Go, go be green Go, go! #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-What's he in charge of?

-He is in charge of the World Bank.

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He's in charge of all the money?!

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So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune.

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MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

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-Now we've got lined up, for you, what you suggested earlier.

-Really?

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What was yours again?

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Well, I'd like to hear the sound of a goat doing Frank Sinatra records.

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Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram.

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Have you got it?

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I'd like my theme tune to be a lorry driving through Cornwall.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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On a Wednesday.

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Have you got it?

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So this is the latest attempt to deport...

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-MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

-..Abu Qatada.

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Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge said,

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"There is a real possibility he will abscond."

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Yes, the last thing we want him to do is leave the country(!)

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Theresa May is looking for ways of speeding up Qatada's extradition

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and says she will be,

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"Examining the processes and procedures used in Italy".

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Where they're much tougher -

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any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there.

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Talking about his past, The Sun found a school friend

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who told them Qatada was a normal young man.

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He was interested in girls and listened to Pink Floyd.

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So very normal, except with him

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the girls got stoned AFTER they listened to Pink Floyd.

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GROANING AND LAUGHTER

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Paul and Graham, take a look at this...

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Oh, this is obviously 100 days to go.

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These are a lot of visitors at the Olympic Stadium. There we are.

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"What the bloody hell's going on here?"

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That's a very bad camera that's been used by the BBC.

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You can't quite see what's happened.

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Yes, this is the Olympic Games - 100 days to go, 98 days to go,

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97 days to go or, if you're watching on Dave, three years ago.

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And what an extraordinary Games they turned out to be.

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So, yeah, this is the news that it's not long till the Olympics

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or as it's known in The Independent,

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"The £11 billion tax funded advertising campaign

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"for some of the world's worst companies."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Does anyone know why that VT was pixellated at the end?

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-It's copyright, isn't it?

-That's right...

-Almost everything.

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So, beneath that pixellating I think there are the Olympic rings.

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-Yeah...

-In some cultures are the rings considered pornographic?

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I think that's what's under there. They look like rings.

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-Are you going to unpixellate it in an act of daring?

-I'm not allowed to.

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If I did I would get sent to Jordan with...

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MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

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No, the VT's pixellated

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because we're not allowed to show the Olympic logo

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because it comes under the remit of two acts of Parliament

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preventing misuse of Olympic logos.

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Well, I mean, we could have got permission

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but I'd have had to have jumped through all sorts of hoops.

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It was very heavily policed in China, wasn't it?

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Didn't they go into the toilets

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and if you get one of those hand dryers

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they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company

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who do the hand dryers.

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They're actually going to be doing that here, yes.

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In the toilets, soap dispensers, wash basins...

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And you're allowed take in any drink or product that isn't sponsored,

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which will be tough for the Queen, isn't it?

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-Why?

-She's a brand.

-Oh, I see what you mean.

-A brand.

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I thought you meant she liked a McDonald's burger, or something.

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She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we speak.

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Also, the athletes aren't allowed to Tweet.

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There's, like, really hardcore guidelines

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about what they're allowed to say on the internet, about what they're doing.

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Like, they can't say, "Oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water."

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It has to be like, "I love super action megawater!"

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Also, isn't there something about local businesses?

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Like the Olympic Kebab Grill, or something,

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that's been forced to change its name in case people think,

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"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"

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Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford

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was told he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic

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and he'd have to change the sign.

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Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it.

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So, according to the Newham Recorder...

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-That's very good.

-Well, he's painted the "O" out.

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So if you have trouble finding it, the Cafe Olympic is excellent value

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and it's at...

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-Now there's...

-Do you have to book?

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You probably do now.

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Little Chef were told

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they should consider changing the name of their Olympic breakfast.

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No, really?

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Yes, as it was "unhelpful" to the 2012 Olympics.

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Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast!

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There it is.

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Look, that's a magnificent effort by the British runner!

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Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausage, potatoes and beans

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or as I call it - the modern heptathlon!

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Do you know who will be unable to accept his invitation

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to the opening ceremony?

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It's me.

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-Ahh.

-Ahh.

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I'm going to be washing my hair!

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Does that take all day?

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I've no... Who can't come?

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-The Who's drummer, Keith Moon.

-Oh, yes.

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His manager was asked by the opening ceremony organisers

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if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of the band,

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despite having been dead for 34 years!

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Hasn't stopped The Rolling Stones!

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Wouldn't put it past Keith, though.

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Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it,

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that he was playing the drums

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and he just starts, kind of, nodding, starts nodding off.

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And a roadie had to crawl onto the stage

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and inject his heel with amphetamines and he just, kind of, went...

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Came back to life!

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Like the rabbit with the long-lasting battery.

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BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include what?

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Rings.

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Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics

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will no longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week.

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I found out that Diana died on Ceefax.

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I still don't know how she died

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because the second page hasn't loaded yet.

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This is the marking of 100 days to go till the Olympics start.

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And even more excitingly, 116 till it's all over.

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And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of legacy,

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which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt.

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The closing ceremony will feature songs which represent

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different eras of British music. According to The Independent...

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..as it clashes with the filming of Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert.

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And so to round two. It's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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-That's Pippa Middleton, with a gun.

-HUMPHREY: So it is.

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She's not the one holding the gun, though.

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A nicely-focused picture for someone that's about to be shot.

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-Hmm. Yeah.

-The name's Middleton.

-Was this in Paris?

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We presume it's a mock gun.

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It's unclear, because someone in the car

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worked for the gun manufacturing company called Heckler & Koch.

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Heckler & Koch?

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LAUGHTER

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That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic.

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I actually had an experience like that at The Comedy Store.

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-Yeah. You couldn't go back on for the second half, could you?

-No.

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At the weekend, this was considered slightly distasteful,

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given the recent events in France.

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He got this gun out from the glove compartment

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while they were driving around and then waved it at the paparazzi.

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It was a sort of good-humoured threat.

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"You might die."

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What could the punishment be if the gun turns out to be real?

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-Seven years.

-Seven years in prison for all parties involved.

-What, everyone in the car?!

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-Yeah.

-Really?!

-Ooh, you're looking really chirpy now.

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-"Really?!"

-That would be a first. We'd have to extradite Pippa.

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Apparently, the case is being dealt with at, according to the Express...

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So, way over Sarkozy's head, then.

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This is the news that Pippa Middleton

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has been driving through Paris with a French playboy brandishing a gun.

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So now it's Pippa's turn to be upstaged by an arse.

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Kate and Pippa's brother James has also been revealed

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to be running a saucy cake business.

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He insists he's a self-made man and recently said...

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Well, he clearly knows nothing about cakes, then.

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Speaking of cakes,

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the Swedish culture minister was in trouble this week

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after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist cake.

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The cake was designed to highlight the abuse of women...

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Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped making those in the 1970s.

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So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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Somebody has invented a TV channel for dogs.

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Dogs have nothing to do and you think,

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"I wish that dog could watch a TV programme devoted to what dogs like,"

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and somebody's done it. It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased,

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sticks being thrown across rivers, loads of trees,

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dogs just look at it and dogs are happy.

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It's Dog TV all the way.

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It is indeed.

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APPLAUSE

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According to Sky News, Dog TV is an eight-hour block

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-of on-demand cable TV programming...

-On demand by who?

0:19:070:19:10

A Labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind?

0:19:100:19:13

Any idea what programmes will appear on Dog TV?

0:19:150:19:18

Yes, a load of made-up programmes with dog puns in the title.

0:19:180:19:22

Here's two. Britain's Got Lampposts.

0:19:220:19:24

-Britain's Got Lampposts?

-All right!

0:19:240:19:26

-Sorry!

-Are these real?

-No, they're not.

0:19:260:19:29

-What about Down Boy Abbey?

-Yeah, that's good.

0:19:300:19:33

The Dog Channel takes its responsibilities very seriously.

0:19:350:19:37

Only after the 9pm watershed does it show any bottom-sniffing.

0:19:370:19:41

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:19:420:19:46

BUZZER

0:19:490:19:51

I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate name.

0:19:510:19:54

That asterisk and that upside-down letter

0:19:540:19:57

should give you some idea what it is.

0:19:570:20:00

So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week

0:20:000:20:03

on whether to change its name.

0:20:030:20:05

Do you know what's prompted the name change?

0:20:050:20:08

Is it that the name is BLEEP?

0:20:080:20:10

It only became a problem during the Second World War

0:20:160:20:19

when American soldiers came in and started giggling all the time.

0:20:190:20:23

Apparently, some traditionalists want the 16th-century name

0:20:230:20:27

for the village reinstated, which was Fugging.

0:20:270:20:31

And what's the potential problem with a name change?

0:20:310:20:34

GRAHAM: I don't fugging know.

0:20:340:20:35

According to the mayor, Franz Meindl...

0:20:400:20:42

APPLAUSE

0:20:490:20:51

The residents have been told to lighten up and cash in

0:20:540:20:56

by Juergen Stoll, who runs a guesthouse

0:20:560:20:58

in the Swiss village of Wank.

0:20:580:21:01

Mr Stoll added...

0:21:030:21:04

Single rooms only, of course.

0:21:080:21:11

It's time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you this week.

0:21:120:21:16

Mitt Romney's dog,

0:21:160:21:18

a series of ads claiming homosexuality is curable,

0:21:180:21:22

a pheasant in Gloucestershire and a traffic cop in Vietnam.

0:21:220:21:26

Well, that poster -

0:21:260:21:28

"Not gay, ex-gay, post-gay, proud. Get over it!"

0:21:280:21:30

That was on the side of a bus

0:21:300:21:32

or it was going to be and then Boris banned it.

0:21:320:21:35

-Yeah.

-That traffic cop, there was a story about him

0:21:350:21:38

jumping on a bus trying to give it a ticket.

0:21:380:21:41

So he was on the side of a bus.

0:21:410:21:43

Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck to the side of a bus.

0:21:430:21:48

No, he went on a bus, the dog.

0:21:490:21:51

Mitt Romney put his dog in a crate on top of his car

0:21:510:21:55

and drove it many hundreds of miles.

0:21:550:21:57

So it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle.

0:21:570:21:59

Yeah. This pheasant is the official driver for the 2012 Olympics.

0:21:590:22:03

I think this pheasant is one of those birds

0:22:030:22:06

that regularly does a commute from Nottingham to Lincoln

0:22:060:22:09

or something like that. I think it's a regular thing.

0:22:090:22:11

The poster's the only thing that's not been on a moving vehicle.

0:22:110:22:14

-We were getting there!

-Hey! We get first dibs.

-You're all right. Yes, it's...

0:22:140:22:18

Oh, it's not the Lib Dem conference, come on!

0:22:180:22:21

I wish it was.

0:22:220:22:23

-Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg.

-Really?

0:22:230:22:27

Yeah, face-down on Hackney marshes...

0:22:270:22:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:290:22:32

Yes, although you weren't quite right about the pheasant.

0:22:340:22:37

But anyway, the Vietnamese traffic cop was Lieutenant Manh Phan.

0:22:370:22:43

-Manh Phan?

-Manh Phan. I know.

0:22:430:22:45

Talking of gay buses.

0:22:450:22:48

"I'm not gay, I'm just a MAN FAN."

0:22:480:22:50

Yes, the clip of him went viral after he was spotted

0:22:520:22:54

clinging onto the front of a bus in Vietnam.

0:22:540:22:57

Who wants to see Lieutenant Phan in action?

0:22:570:23:00

-ALL: Oh, yes.

-Yes. Here we go.

0:23:000:23:01

It looks like an On The Buses, Dad's Army mash-up.

0:23:120:23:15

Did anyone catch what he was shouting there?

0:23:170:23:19

"Stop filming me."

0:23:190:23:20

"When is the next request stop?"

0:23:220:23:24

According to The Times, he was heard yelling...

0:23:250:23:28

A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40-mile trip

0:23:320:23:35

after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill.

0:23:350:23:38

The pheasant has made a full recovery.

0:23:400:23:42

OK. They've all travelled on the outside of a vehicle

0:23:420:23:45

apart from the anti-gay advertising campaign,

0:23:450:23:47

which wasn't allowed to appear on the outside of buses.

0:23:470:23:50

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, banned the ads,

0:23:500:23:53

having always been a champion of gay women,

0:23:530:23:55

or as he calls them, a challenge.

0:23:550:23:57

Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car

0:24:010:24:03

with the family dog on the roof, or as his dog called it, the ruuff!

0:24:030:24:07

Sorry.

0:24:070:24:09

In a similar incident, George W Bush

0:24:090:24:12

also put his dog on the roof before travelling.

0:24:120:24:15

Sadly, that was on Air Force One.

0:24:150:24:18

A Vietnamese traffic cop was seen

0:24:200:24:22

clinging to the front of a speeding bus.

0:24:220:24:24

Here he is, as we've seen.

0:24:240:24:25

The bus was driven by Phung Hong Phuong

0:24:250:24:28

and was stopped by traffic cop Nguyen Manh Phan.

0:24:280:24:33

It was captured on video by Ang On Tightly.

0:24:330:24:36

Yeah... Yeah.

0:24:390:24:40

Time now for the missing words round,

0:24:420:24:44

which this week features as its guest publication, Blaze,

0:24:440:24:48

the lighter magazine.

0:24:480:24:50

If it was about something interesting, it would no doubt be heavier.

0:24:500:24:53

And we start with...

0:24:530:24:55

HUMPHREY: Equals one hell of a night.

0:24:590:25:02

-GRAHAM: Chocolate.

-What? Hexagonal nut chocolate?

0:25:040:25:07

Flat kick arm with nipple... That sounds like a good night out, actually.

0:25:090:25:13

Next...

0:25:200:25:21

HUMPHREY: Still a virgin at 44.

0:25:240:25:26

GRAHAM: Has umbrella handle sticking out of his bottom.

0:25:300:25:33

This is Matt Wilks of the Isle of Wight who bought an umbrella hat

0:25:390:25:43

on eBay and was hit twice by lightning within minutes.

0:25:430:25:46

According to the Sun, he was going to...

0:25:460:25:49

Not sure what he was going as. Presumably a twat.

0:25:510:25:54

And finally...

0:25:560:25:57

Ann Widdecombe!

0:25:590:26:00

What news does he have of life beyond the veil?

0:26:030:26:06

-Golden wheels.

-Golden wheels?

-Yes.

0:26:070:26:10

"Run into the light!" "I can't!"

0:26:100:26:12

After being buried, the hamster dug himself out of his grave.

0:26:140:26:18

This story has upset a lot of children,

0:26:180:26:20

but if you're watching kids, please don't worry,

0:26:200:26:22

it can't happy with Jimmy Savile.

0:26:220:26:24

So the final scores are Paul and Graham have five

0:26:300:26:32

and Ian and Humphrey have seven.

0:26:320:26:36

Another terrific win!

0:26:360:26:38

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:26:420:26:46

It's a freeze-frame!

0:26:460:26:47

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:26:470:26:49

Thank you very much!

0:26:490:26:52

David Attenborough lives over there. Let's see how he likes it!

0:26:520:26:55

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists

0:26:590:27:02

Ian Hislop and Humphrey Ker,

0:27:020:27:04

Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.

0:27:040:27:06

I leave you with news that the Japanese government

0:27:060:27:08

announces that, after the meltdown,

0:27:080:27:11

the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant

0:27:110:27:13

are once more full of salmon.

0:27:130:27:15

Just as he thinks he's found the perfect picnic spot,

0:27:200:27:22

there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin.

0:27:220:27:25

And as staff at London Zoo unveil their new charity calendar,

0:27:300:27:34

there are concerns that Miss December

0:27:340:27:36

may not get past the censors.

0:27:360:27:38

Good night!

0:27:410:27:43

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