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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:26 | 0:00:30 | |
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:43 | |
In the news this week... | 0:00:43 | 0:00:44 | |
In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
is boosted by a high-profile customer | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
for its new arse elbow separator. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
and all Britain's exhausted contestant has to do | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
to clinch the title of world champion | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
is to sit on the chair. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
And after one garden shed burglary too many, | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
the Godalming Neighbourhood Watch group get serious. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
With Ian tonight is a comedian | 0:01:30 | 0:01:31 | |
who says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
Really? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
That's odd, all the people I ever worked with at the BBC | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
told me they couldn't stand you. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
Please welcome Humphrey Ker. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
And with Paul tonight is a comedy writer | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
who recently created a new version of The Ladykillers, | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
where a sweet, innocent old lady | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
I know the feeling. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
Please welcome Graham Linehan. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
And we start with the bigger stories of the week. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
Ian and Humphrey, take a look at this. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
-It's Abu Qatada. -Surrounded by a miasma of hate! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:20 | |
He's staying to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
That's the backlog of cases. Yep, you're a mug. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
This was the week where the Government was very keen | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
to get back its reputation for competence... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
-and it didn't go so well. -No. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
We announced we were going to get rid of Abu Qatada. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
"He's off on Tuesday." | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
Then today we find out, "Oh, we can't," | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
because he's put in an appeal. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
And the Home Office said he had to appeal by Monday night | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
and the European Court of Human Rights said, | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
"No, it's Tuesday night." | 0:02:51 | 0:02:52 | |
-No-one appears to have checked. -It's a classic diary error. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:56 | |
We've all done it. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
"Which day is the 17th? | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
"Monday, I think. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:01 | |
"I'll check when I get home." | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
Well, a correct answer, actually, | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
is when the court officials who actually set the deadline say it is. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:09 | |
But I notice his lawyers only put the appeal in | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
one hour before the deadline. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
They just love living on the edge. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
I imagine it's not a lot of fun being a human rights lawyer. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
You've got to live vicariously when you have the chance! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
What Abu Qatada's done wrong | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
is he's not got the right sort of PR behind him. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
If you could make him seem a bit more lovable, | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
people might not be quite so keen. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
So, I think get the cockneys to like him first. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
-HAVE A BANANA THEME: -# Abu Qatada. # | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
Like this. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
I'd like to have my own theme tune as well. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Cos I think we should all have one. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
What would yours be? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
I'd like to have the sound of broken glass | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
followed by a high-pitched female voice saying, "Leave it, Dave, he's not worth it." | 0:03:56 | 0:04:01 | |
Do you know how Abu Qatada... | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME | 0:04:05 | 0:04:06 | |
..has been described in the press? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
The Times describes Qatada as, "radical Muslim cleric," | 0:04:13 | 0:04:18 | |
The Sun as, "hate preacher," | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
and the Daily Telegraph as... | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
"Mr Qatada." | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
The Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
previously ruled that Abu Qatada couldn't be sent home to Jordan | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
as there was a likelihood that evidence obtained by torture | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
would be used against him. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
According to The Times, | 0:04:37 | 0:04:38 | |
the Jordanian government said they would "bend over backwards," - | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
anyone who accused them of torturing prisoners. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Reassuring, isn't it? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
And what have Labour MPs accused Theresa May of doing? | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
Not knowing which day of the week it is. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
They've accused her of "dragging her heels." | 0:04:53 | 0:04:58 | |
-Very good. -Yeah, here's some evidence to back it up, guys. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Because of THAT we missed the deadline? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
And meanwhile, what has the Libyan military commander | 0:05:18 | 0:05:22 | |
Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of doing? | 0:05:22 | 0:05:26 | |
Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Yeah, he was basically a gift to Gaddafi. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
Blair and Straw needed a present for their favourite dictator. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:35 | |
You know, maybe they'd get one in return - oil rights or... | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
I don't know, a bung when you leave office. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
Ha-ha-ha! That won't go in! | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
-Extraordinary accusation there! -Extraordinary! | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
Suggesting that Mr Blair has made a HUGE amount of money | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
since leaving a bloodstained period when he was in charge. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
I do hope that doesn't get through(!) | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
This man is suing Straw personally and he might win. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:04 | |
So we could find out what happened in the Blair years, | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
which is quite exciting. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
For some of us. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
Well, I've actually had my house extraordinarily rendered. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
Or stone clad, as the builder called it. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
The rendition of Belhadj took place | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
just before Tony Blair met Gaddafi for the "deal in the desert". | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
According to The Sunday Times, | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
"He had no recollection of the Belhadj case," | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
and went on to ask, "What war in Iraq?" | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
-In other terrorism news... -Yes! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
I'm sorry, we have to plough this furrow a little further - | 0:06:37 | 0:06:41 | |
-not for long. -I'm all for it. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
We'll have a big knob on in a minute. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
What's that? | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
Paul, I don't know, I just said "knob" to lighten the atmosphere. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
Oh, I see, "knob ON." I thought, like a marathon, | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
-I thought it was all one word. -Oh, right! | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
-That was the only way I would watch the Olympics. -What? | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
-If there was a knob on. -Oh, I see. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
In other terrorism news - I'm not going to do this for long - | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
but a Taliban commander has been arrested. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
Was this as a result of a complicated undercover operation? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
-The answer to that must, surely, be no. -The answer, surely, is no. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
Mohammad Ashan walked up to a checkpoint, | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
held up a wanted poster bearing his own face | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
and demanded the 100 finder's fee. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
That is a CLASSIC mistake. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
He should have held out for 200. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
Well, an official declared, "Clearly the man is an imbecile." | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
How are we getting on with the noise of the broken glass | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
and, "Stop it, Dave, he's not worth it," for my noise? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
-How's that coming along? -I don't know, is that coming along? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
No. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:51 | |
Who'd like to see the next President of the World Bank in action? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
-Yes! -Oh, yeah. -No, I wouldn't. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
His name is Jim Yong Kim | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
and Obama has just announced his appointment | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
as head of the World Bank. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
It's in safe hands. Here he is. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
# I've had the time of my life | 0:08:08 | 0:08:13 | |
# And I've never felt this way before | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
# And I swear it's the truth | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
# And I owe it all to you. # | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
Dirty bit! | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
DANCE MUSIC | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
Half man, half pillar box. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
-Yeah, look at him, a real banker! -Yeah. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
He's DOWN with the interest rates! | 0:08:37 | 0:08:41 | |
# This is hot tonight | 0:08:41 | 0:08:42 | |
# Go, go be green Go, go! # | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
-What's he in charge of? -He is in charge of the World Bank. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
He's in charge of all the money?! | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME | 0:09:00 | 0:09:01 | |
-Now we've got lined up, for you, what you suggested earlier. -Really? | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
What was yours again? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Well, I'd like to hear the sound of a goat doing Frank Sinatra records. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
Have you got it? | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
I'd like my theme tune to be a lorry driving through Cornwall. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
On a Wednesday. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Have you got it? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:32 | |
So this is the latest attempt to deport... | 0:09:33 | 0:09:37 | |
-MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME -..Abu Qatada. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge said, | 0:09:40 | 0:09:44 | |
"There is a real possibility he will abscond." | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
Yes, the last thing we want him to do is leave the country(!) | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
Theresa May is looking for ways of speeding up Qatada's extradition | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
and says she will be, | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
"Examining the processes and procedures used in Italy". | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
Where they're much tougher - | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
Talking about his past, The Sun found a school friend | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
who told them Qatada was a normal young man. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
He was interested in girls and listened to Pink Floyd. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:20 | |
So very normal, except with him | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
the girls got stoned AFTER they listened to Pink Floyd. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
GROANING AND LAUGHTER | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
Paul and Graham, take a look at this... | 0:10:28 | 0:10:32 | |
Oh, this is obviously 100 days to go. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:33 | |
These are a lot of visitors at the Olympic Stadium. There we are. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
"What the bloody hell's going on here?" | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
That's a very bad camera that's been used by the BBC. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
You can't quite see what's happened. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
Yes, this is the Olympic Games - 100 days to go, 98 days to go, | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
97 days to go or, if you're watching on Dave, three years ago. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
And what an extraordinary Games they turned out to be. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
So, yeah, this is the news that it's not long till the Olympics | 0:10:54 | 0:10:58 | |
or as it's known in The Independent, | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
"The £11 billion tax funded advertising campaign | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
"for some of the world's worst companies." | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
Does anyone know why that VT was pixellated at the end? | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
-It's copyright, isn't it? -That's right... -Almost everything. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
So, beneath that pixellating I think there are the Olympic rings. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:22 | |
-Yeah... -In some cultures are the rings considered pornographic? | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
I think that's what's under there. They look like rings. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
-Are you going to unpixellate it in an act of daring? -I'm not allowed to. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:34 | |
If I did I would get sent to Jordan with... | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
No, the VT's pixellated | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
because we're not allowed to show the Olympic logo | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
because it comes under the remit of two acts of Parliament | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
preventing misuse of Olympic logos. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:50 | |
Well, I mean, we could have got permission | 0:11:50 | 0:11:51 | |
but I'd have had to have jumped through all sorts of hoops. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:56 | |
It was very heavily policed in China, wasn't it? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
Didn't they go into the toilets | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
and if you get one of those hand dryers | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
who do the hand dryers. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
They're actually going to be doing that here, yes. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
In the toilets, soap dispensers, wash basins... | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
And you're allowed take in any drink or product that isn't sponsored, | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
which will be tough for the Queen, isn't it? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
-Why? -She's a brand. -Oh, I see what you mean. -A brand. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
I thought you meant she liked a McDonald's burger, or something. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:27 | |
She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we speak. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
Also, the athletes aren't allowed to Tweet. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
There's, like, really hardcore guidelines | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
about what they're allowed to say on the internet, about what they're doing. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
Like, they can't say, "Oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water." | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
It has to be like, "I love super action megawater!" | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
Also, isn't there something about local businesses? | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
Like the Olympic Kebab Grill, or something, | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
that's been forced to change its name in case people think, | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?" | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
was told he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
and he'd have to change the sign. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:06 | |
Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
So, according to the Newham Recorder... | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
-That's very good. -Well, he's painted the "O" out. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
So if you have trouble finding it, the Cafe Olympic is excellent value | 0:13:26 | 0:13:30 | |
and it's at... | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
-Now there's... -Do you have to book? | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
You probably do now. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
Little Chef were told | 0:13:40 | 0:13:41 | |
they should consider changing the name of their Olympic breakfast. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
No, really? | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
Yes, as it was "unhelpful" to the 2012 Olympics. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast! | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
There it is. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:52 | |
Look, that's a magnificent effort by the British runner! | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausage, potatoes and beans | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
or as I call it - the modern heptathlon! | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
Do you know who will be unable to accept his invitation | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
to the opening ceremony? | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
It's me. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
-Ahh. -Ahh. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
I'm going to be washing my hair! | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
Does that take all day? | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
I've no... Who can't come? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
-The Who's drummer, Keith Moon. -Oh, yes. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
His manager was asked by the opening ceremony organisers | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of the band, | 0:14:25 | 0:14:29 | |
despite having been dead for 34 years! | 0:14:29 | 0:14:32 | |
Hasn't stopped The Rolling Stones! | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
Wouldn't put it past Keith, though. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it, | 0:14:38 | 0:14:42 | |
that he was playing the drums | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
and he just starts, kind of, nodding, starts nodding off. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
And a roadie had to crawl onto the stage | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
and inject his heel with amphetamines and he just, kind of, went... | 0:14:50 | 0:14:55 | |
Came back to life! | 0:14:58 | 0:14:59 | |
Like the rabbit with the long-lasting battery. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include what? | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
Rings. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
will no longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:17 | |
I found out that Diana died on Ceefax. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
I still don't know how she died | 0:15:19 | 0:15:20 | |
because the second page hasn't loaded yet. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
This is the marking of 100 days to go till the Olympics start. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
And even more excitingly, 116 till it's all over. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:34 | |
And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of legacy, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
The closing ceremony will feature songs which represent | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
different eras of British music. According to The Independent... | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
..as it clashes with the filming of Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:59 | |
And so to round two. It's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:04 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
BUZZER | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
-That's Pippa Middleton, with a gun. -HUMPHREY: So it is. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
She's not the one holding the gun, though. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
A nicely-focused picture for someone that's about to be shot. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
-Hmm. Yeah. -The name's Middleton. -Was this in Paris? | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
We presume it's a mock gun. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
It's unclear, because someone in the car | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
worked for the gun manufacturing company called Heckler & Koch. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
Heckler & Koch? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:42 | |
I actually had an experience like that at The Comedy Store. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
-Yeah. You couldn't go back on for the second half, could you? -No. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
At the weekend, this was considered slightly distasteful, | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
given the recent events in France. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
He got this gun out from the glove compartment | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
while they were driving around and then waved it at the paparazzi. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
It was a sort of good-humoured threat. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
"You might die." | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
What could the punishment be if the gun turns out to be real? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:13 | |
-Seven years. -Seven years in prison for all parties involved. -What, everyone in the car?! | 0:17:13 | 0:17:19 | |
-Yeah. -Really?! -Ooh, you're looking really chirpy now. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
-"Really?!" -That would be a first. We'd have to extradite Pippa. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:28 | |
Apparently, the case is being dealt with at, according to the Express... | 0:17:28 | 0:17:34 | |
So, way over Sarkozy's head, then. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
This is the news that Pippa Middleton | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
has been driving through Paris with a French playboy brandishing a gun. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:49 | |
So now it's Pippa's turn to be upstaged by an arse. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
Kate and Pippa's brother James has also been revealed | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
to be running a saucy cake business. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
He insists he's a self-made man and recently said... | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
Well, he clearly knows nothing about cakes, then. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
Speaking of cakes, | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
the Swedish culture minister was in trouble this week | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist cake. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:18 | |
The cake was designed to highlight the abuse of women... | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped making those in the 1970s. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
So, fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
BUZZER | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
Somebody has invented a TV channel for dogs. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Dogs have nothing to do and you think, | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
"I wish that dog could watch a TV programme devoted to what dogs like," | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
and somebody's done it. It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased, | 0:18:47 | 0:18:51 | |
sticks being thrown across rivers, loads of trees, | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
dogs just look at it and dogs are happy. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
It's Dog TV all the way. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
It is indeed. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
According to Sky News, Dog TV is an eight-hour block | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
-of on-demand cable TV programming... -On demand by who? | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
A Labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind? | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Any idea what programmes will appear on Dog TV? | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
Yes, a load of made-up programmes with dog puns in the title. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
Here's two. Britain's Got Lampposts. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
-Britain's Got Lampposts? -All right! | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
-Sorry! -Are these real? -No, they're not. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
-What about Down Boy Abbey? -Yeah, that's good. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
The Dog Channel takes its responsibilities very seriously. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Only after the 9pm watershed does it show any bottom-sniffing. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:46 | |
BUZZER | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate name. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
That asterisk and that upside-down letter | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
should give you some idea what it is. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
on whether to change its name. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
Do you know what's prompted the name change? | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
Is it that the name is BLEEP? | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
It only became a problem during the Second World War | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
when American soldiers came in and started giggling all the time. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
Apparently, some traditionalists want the 16th-century name | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
for the village reinstated, which was Fugging. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:31 | |
And what's the potential problem with a name change? | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
GRAHAM: I don't fugging know. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:35 | |
According to the mayor, Franz Meindl... | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
The residents have been told to lighten up and cash in | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
by Juergen Stoll, who runs a guesthouse | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
in the Swiss village of Wank. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
Mr Stoll added... | 0:21:03 | 0:21:04 | |
Single rooms only, of course. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
It's time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you this week. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:16 | |
Mitt Romney's dog, | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
a series of ads claiming homosexuality is curable, | 0:21:18 | 0:21:22 | |
a pheasant in Gloucestershire and a traffic cop in Vietnam. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:26 | |
Well, that poster - | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
"Not gay, ex-gay, post-gay, proud. Get over it!" | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
That was on the side of a bus | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
or it was going to be and then Boris banned it. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
-Yeah. -That traffic cop, there was a story about him | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
jumping on a bus trying to give it a ticket. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
So he was on the side of a bus. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck to the side of a bus. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:48 | |
No, he went on a bus, the dog. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Mitt Romney put his dog in a crate on top of his car | 0:21:51 | 0:21:55 | |
and drove it many hundreds of miles. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
So it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
Yeah. This pheasant is the official driver for the 2012 Olympics. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:03 | |
I think this pheasant is one of those birds | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
that regularly does a commute from Nottingham to Lincoln | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
or something like that. I think it's a regular thing. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
The poster's the only thing that's not been on a moving vehicle. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
-We were getting there! -Hey! We get first dibs. -You're all right. Yes, it's... | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
Oh, it's not the Lib Dem conference, come on! | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
I wish it was. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
-Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg. -Really? | 0:22:23 | 0:22:27 | |
Yeah, face-down on Hackney marshes... | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
Yes, although you weren't quite right about the pheasant. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
But anyway, the Vietnamese traffic cop was Lieutenant Manh Phan. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:43 | |
-Manh Phan? -Manh Phan. I know. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Talking of gay buses. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
"I'm not gay, I'm just a MAN FAN." | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
Yes, the clip of him went viral after he was spotted | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
clinging onto the front of a bus in Vietnam. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
Who wants to see Lieutenant Phan in action? | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
-ALL: Oh, yes. -Yes. Here we go. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
It looks like an On The Buses, Dad's Army mash-up. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
Did anyone catch what he was shouting there? | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
"Stop filming me." | 0:23:19 | 0:23:20 | |
"When is the next request stop?" | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
According to The Times, he was heard yelling... | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40-mile trip | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
The pheasant has made a full recovery. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
OK. They've all travelled on the outside of a vehicle | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
apart from the anti-gay advertising campaign, | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
which wasn't allowed to appear on the outside of buses. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, banned the ads, | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
having always been a champion of gay women, | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
or as he calls them, a challenge. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
with the family dog on the roof, or as his dog called it, the ruuff! | 0:24:03 | 0:24:07 | |
Sorry. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
In a similar incident, George W Bush | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
also put his dog on the roof before travelling. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
Sadly, that was on Air Force One. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
A Vietnamese traffic cop was seen | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
clinging to the front of a speeding bus. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Here he is, as we've seen. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
The bus was driven by Phung Hong Phuong | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
and was stopped by traffic cop Nguyen Manh Phan. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:33 | |
It was captured on video by Ang On Tightly. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
Yeah... Yeah. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:40 | |
Time now for the missing words round, | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
which this week features as its guest publication, Blaze, | 0:24:44 | 0:24:48 | |
the lighter magazine. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
If it was about something interesting, it would no doubt be heavier. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
And we start with... | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
HUMPHREY: Equals one hell of a night. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
-GRAHAM: Chocolate. -What? Hexagonal nut chocolate? | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
Flat kick arm with nipple... That sounds like a good night out, actually. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:13 | |
Next... | 0:25:20 | 0:25:21 | |
HUMPHREY: Still a virgin at 44. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
GRAHAM: Has umbrella handle sticking out of his bottom. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
This is Matt Wilks of the Isle of Wight who bought an umbrella hat | 0:25:39 | 0:25:43 | |
on eBay and was hit twice by lightning within minutes. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
According to the Sun, he was going to... | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
Not sure what he was going as. Presumably a twat. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
And finally... | 0:25:56 | 0:25:57 | |
Ann Widdecombe! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:00 | |
What news does he have of life beyond the veil? | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
-Golden wheels. -Golden wheels? -Yes. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
"Run into the light!" "I can't!" | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
After being buried, the hamster dug himself out of his grave. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
This story has upset a lot of children, | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
but if you're watching kids, please don't worry, | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
it can't happy with Jimmy Savile. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
So the final scores are Paul and Graham have five | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
and Ian and Humphrey have seven. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
Another terrific win! | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
It's a freeze-frame! | 0:26:46 | 0:26:47 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
Thank you very much! | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
David Attenborough lives over there. Let's see how he likes it! | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
Ian Hislop and Humphrey Ker, | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
Paul Merton and Graham Linehan. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
I leave you with news that the Japanese government | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
announces that, after the meltdown, | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
are once more full of salmon. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
Just as he thinks he's found the perfect picnic spot, | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
And as staff at London Zoo unveil their new charity calendar, | 0:27:30 | 0:27:34 | |
there are concerns that Miss December | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
may not get past the censors. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
Good night! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 |