Episode 5 Have I Got Old News For You


Episode 5

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 5. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

0:00:400:00:42

I'm Alexander Armstrong.

0:00:420:00:44

In the news this week, in Canary Wharf,

0:00:440:00:46

as the recession continues to bite, Goldman Sachs deny

0:00:460:00:49

that their fairground-themed office party is too extravagant.

0:00:490:00:52

There's disappointment for Jeremy Hunt

0:00:570:00:59

as he tries to wave a casual hello to David Cameron cycling to work.

0:00:590:01:03

And at a restaurant in Berkshire,

0:01:080:01:10

Kate Middleton really goes for it at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

0:01:100:01:13

On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who recently hit the headlines

0:01:190:01:23

for calling David Cameron and George Osborne two arrogant posh boys.

0:01:230:01:27

So, it should make a pleasant change for her to sit between Ian and me.

0:01:270:01:30

Please welcome Nadine Dorries.

0:01:300:01:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:330:01:35

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says in the mornings he doesn't wash or shower -

0:01:370:01:42

he just marinates in his own juices.

0:01:420:01:44

So, if nothing else, at least he SMELLS funny.

0:01:440:01:47

Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

0:01:470:01:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:480:01:51

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

0:01:550:01:58

Ian and Nadine, take a look at this.

0:01:580:02:00

That's the penguin - he won. He's Mayor of London.

0:02:000:02:02

Oh, he hasn't won. He's pondering...

0:02:040:02:07

Hello! There's the penguin. Oh, off with the jacket.

0:02:070:02:11

-Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?

-It is!

0:02:110:02:14

-Who was the bride?

-Nick.

-Ah.

0:02:140:02:17

We know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?

0:02:170:02:21

APPLAUSE

0:02:240:02:26

No, this is the elections,

0:02:280:02:29

and it didn't go very well for the coalition.

0:02:290:02:32

And the reason it didn't go very well

0:02:320:02:34

is because Nadine attacked the Prime Minister.

0:02:340:02:36

Nothing to do with the...Lords reform being one of our main policies

0:02:380:02:43

when the country's in recession...

0:02:430:02:45

Yeah, absolutely, totally my fault. Completely down to me.

0:02:450:02:47

REGINALD: Excuse me, Miss Nadine.

0:02:470:02:49

You say that it was your fault, yet your tone does not convince me.

0:02:490:02:53

Yeah, you took a drubbing, didn't you, Nadine?

0:02:550:02:57

But good result for Labour. How many seats did they gain?

0:02:570:03:00

-Um...seven hundred and forty something?

-823.

0:03:000:03:03

We saw Professor Pongoo there in Edinburgh.

0:03:030:03:06

He beat the Lib Dem candidate.

0:03:060:03:09

He did. A penguin got more votes.

0:03:090:03:12

74 more votes than the Lib Dem candidate.

0:03:120:03:14

But I think that's cos he was wearing black tie.

0:03:140:03:18

People like posh, Nadine. They do, really.

0:03:180:03:19

But there's already a whiff of scandal.

0:03:190:03:21

There is a belief that there might be a man inside this penguin.

0:03:210:03:24

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...narrowly won a second term in London.

0:03:260:03:31

How did Boris respond when asked

0:03:310:03:32

whether he had ambitions to become Prime Minister?

0:03:320:03:35

Y...no.

0:03:350:03:36

According to the Daily Mail, he said he didn't want the Prime Minister's job...

0:03:390:03:43

NADINE: That means he does, then.

0:03:450:03:47

But would you object to Boris as Tory leader? Cos he's quite posh.

0:03:480:03:52

I have nothing against where he was educated.

0:03:520:03:55

It's how one relates to people who, I suppose, aren't posh.

0:03:550:04:00

And the vast majority of people in the UK

0:04:000:04:03

don't go to Eton or Oxford and...

0:04:030:04:05

-Do they not?!

-..aren't privileged.

0:04:050:04:07

You have to be able to relate to the ordinary lives of ordinary people.

0:04:080:04:11

-And Boris does that.

-What, you think he's in touch?

0:04:110:04:14

Well, I know he's in touch with a lot of the electorate!

0:04:150:04:18

That's why he's got a bike.

0:04:180:04:20

Well, here's Boris celebrating his victory, every inch the statesman.

0:04:220:04:26

There he is.

0:04:260:04:27

What's his...? What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?

0:04:290:04:34

He's actually put them on the wrong way round.

0:04:340:04:36

Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?

0:04:380:04:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:04:410:04:45

He said that one of his first electoral promises

0:04:450:04:49

is to get rid of those shorts!

0:04:490:04:51

There's a rampant dragon.

0:04:510:04:53

So after their dismal election showing,

0:04:560:04:59

where did Cameron and Clegg go?

0:04:590:05:01

Dignitas.

0:05:010:05:03

LAUGHTER And APPLAUSE

0:05:030:05:05

It was actually a tractor factory in Essex.

0:05:090:05:12

This is to try and please Nadine.

0:05:120:05:14

They went to Essex and then Cameron thought, "Oh, take off my jacket.

0:05:140:05:17

"Shirt sleeves. In touch.

0:05:170:05:19

"Ordinary people." I was totally convinced(!)

0:05:190:05:24

-Did you not like the re-launch?

-I didn't see it. I was busy that day.

0:05:240:05:29

It was a bit of a contrast from the rose garden.

0:05:290:05:31

Here was then. And here is now.

0:05:310:05:33

LAUGHTER

0:05:330:05:36

Well, they found a factory that's open, which is pretty good going!

0:05:360:05:40

Let's have a picture. Here they are.

0:05:400:05:45

Nick Clegg then tries to tell a joke.

0:05:450:05:47

Can I also just say thank you very much for letting us

0:05:470:05:50

interrupt your days work.

0:05:500:05:53

Your blue and yellow livery on your tractors,

0:05:530:05:55

it's tailor-made for the politics of this coalition.

0:05:550:05:59

SILENCE

0:05:590:06:01

As David explained...

0:06:010:06:02

Ed Miliband was also in that part of the country.

0:06:040:06:07

He did make a reference to the popular show The Only Way Is Essex.

0:06:070:06:11

-TOWIE!

-Well done. Yes, TOWIE.

-Thank you.

0:06:110:06:13

He said...

0:06:130:06:16

GROANING

0:06:160:06:17

Sadly this reference backfired, cos then he was asked who

0:06:170:06:21

his favourite character was from the series.

0:06:210:06:23

At which point he had to confess he'd never see it.

0:06:230:06:27

So, Nadine. Queen's speech. Any comments on that?

0:06:270:06:29

-Glad they didn't bang on about gay marriage?

-I would have liked to have seen a bit more substance in there,

0:06:290:06:34

like how do we get the country growing again.

0:06:340:06:36

How do we get it growing again?

0:06:360:06:40

-Well, would you like me to give you a list of measures?

-Yes, please!

0:06:400:06:44

-You'd be very bored.

-No, it's interesting.

-Well, we have lots...

-No one else knows.

0:06:440:06:48

I get lots of people who come to see me...

0:06:480:06:51

-This is an anecdote, not a list.

-No, no.

0:06:510:06:54

-They come to see me...

-And she's on his team!

0:06:540:06:57

-Breaking apart in front of our very eyes.

-Pushing it, man.

0:07:010:07:04

It's a very temporary coalition.

0:07:040:07:07

But your view is that having lost very badly in the local elections,

0:07:070:07:11

your party should move to the right.

0:07:110:07:14

-Is it about right and left still?

-I've no idea.

0:07:140:07:17

Isn't it about just doing the right thing, doing what the country needs

0:07:170:07:21

at a time when it needs it?

0:07:210:07:23

Yeah, I don't even actually identify with right and left to a huge degree.

0:07:230:07:28

-But you are still a Tory.

-Yeah, I'm a Tory.

0:07:280:07:31

-So you're vaguely on the right?

-Yeah.

0:07:310:07:33

I believe in freedom of the individual, yeah. I am a Tory.

0:07:330:07:37

Which bits of the Tories are you?

0:07:370:07:40

Are you a little bit UKIP-y, or...?

0:07:400:07:42

LAUGHTER

0:07:420:07:44

Are you more on the touchy-feely Cameron-y?

0:07:440:07:47

-I'm definitely a bit more UKIP-y.

-Right.

0:07:470:07:49

That side said Cameron may be kicked out of office

0:07:490:07:52

unless he changes direction. Is that a threat?

0:07:520:07:55

How many signatures do you get? 46?

0:07:550:07:57

The party would need to get 46 signatures, yeah.

0:07:570:08:00

Is it true that so far you've only got one?

0:08:000:08:03

An "N Dorries."

0:08:050:08:07

-I haven't put one in yet actually.

-Oh, haven't you? That's very loyal!

0:08:070:08:12

Are you confident of a promotion in the next reshuffle?

0:08:130:08:17

Anyone see George Osborne on Andrew Marr on Sunday?

0:08:170:08:20

He was there to apologise for his bungling of the budget announcement.

0:08:200:08:24

And obviously to slag you off, Nadine.

0:08:240:08:26

Chiefly he was there so he could enjoy watching Keane.

0:08:260:08:30

# But you and I, we're going to rise again

0:08:300:08:34

# Divided from the light... #

0:08:340:08:39

When the camera comes back to him on the second pass, he catches sight

0:08:450:08:49

of it and starts nodding his head in time to the music. Have a look.

0:08:490:08:53

# I want to love the way we used to then... #

0:08:530:08:56

Yes, this is the relaunch of the coalition.

0:09:060:09:10

David Cameron turned up in Basildon with Nick Clegg in tow

0:09:100:09:13

and told factory workers...

0:09:130:09:15

And what could be more efficient

0:09:170:09:19

than two blokes turning up to do one person's job?

0:09:190:09:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:09:220:09:24

Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out

0:09:260:09:29

in the Queen's Speech this week, telling the Prime Minister...

0:09:290:09:32

And in two years, the Labour leader

0:09:340:09:36

will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.

0:09:360:09:39

The press were sympathetic to the Queen for having to read the speech out.

0:09:390:09:43

At which point Cameron shouted, "Just read the bloody thing out, will you?!"

0:09:490:09:53

LAUGHTER

0:09:530:09:54

Paul and Reg, take a look at this.

0:09:540:09:56

OK, that is... Oh, there has been a pair of underpants in the news.

0:09:580:10:02

Oh, that would confirm it. There is a plane, a plane, an underpants bomber

0:10:020:10:05

has tried to blow up his own underpants on the plane.

0:10:050:10:08

That is the security measures and that is how spies operated in 1936.

0:10:080:10:15

The old cigarette case with a piece of paper. This is about bombs,

0:10:150:10:18

blowing yourself up, blowing underpants up on a plane.

0:10:180:10:20

They have arrested someone who is trying to do it

0:10:200:10:23

and he has been stopped and he has failed and it has not worked.

0:10:230:10:25

Yeah!

0:10:250:10:27

LAUGHTER

0:10:270:10:30

-What do we know about the plot?

-It didn't work.

0:10:300:10:33

And it involved underpants. And explosives as well,

0:10:330:10:36

because underpants on their own aren't much of a threat.

0:10:360:10:39

-This is exactly right.

-In some cases they could be, but in this case, no.

0:10:390:10:43

An unnamed secret agent had a bomb to blow up an unnamed plane,

0:10:450:10:48

which he gave to the CIA, and has now disappeared.

0:10:480:10:51

The only proof of his existence that we have is the bomb that he left.

0:10:510:10:56

-There is no other proof.

-And the underpants, presumably.

0:10:560:10:59

-It is a sting.

-A sting?

-Yes, it was someone...

-It would though, wouldn't it?

0:10:590:11:03

LAUGHTER

0:11:030:11:06

He said to someone in the Yemen, "I would like to blow up a plane,

0:11:060:11:10

"have you got any underpants with a bomb in it?"

0:11:100:11:13

They said, "I will run one for you, sir." Small tailors in the Yemen.

0:11:130:11:17

They do it all up, get underpants.

0:11:170:11:19

He says, "Great" and hands over to CIA because he is an agent.

0:11:190:11:23

What I found suspicious about this is that the handler who gave the bomb

0:11:230:11:27

seems to be kind of cavalier about the execution of this.

0:11:270:11:30

He is like, "All right, I've got the bomb. What plane and what time do you want to blow it up?"

0:11:300:11:34

"Uh, it's up to you, man. Whenever.

0:11:340:11:37

"Blow up one today or tomorrow, as long as you blow up a plane.

0:11:370:11:40

"Blow up something. Don't be trying to impress nobody, blow it up your way!"

0:11:400:11:44

LAUGHTER

0:11:440:11:46

We do know that the previous underpants bomb was real,

0:11:460:11:49

what happened to that and why are they so dangerous, these pants bombs?

0:11:490:11:53

-Well, it's a pair of...

-LAUGHTER

0:11:530:11:55

Why is a pair of pants with a bomb in it so dangerous?

0:11:550:11:58

If they are too tight they can cut out your blood supply.

0:11:580:12:00

-Men, no matter what country or culture they come from, have some fondness for their genitalia.

-Yeah.

0:12:000:12:07

Any man who is willing to blow up his genitalia to hurt other people,

0:12:070:12:11

that is a man I am scared of, do you know what I am saying?

0:12:110:12:14

You don't mean inflate, you mean explode?

0:12:140:12:17

-Exactly.

-To blow up your genitals is another thing.

0:12:170:12:21

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:12:210:12:27

Underwear bombers around the world,

0:12:270:12:29

underwear bomb makers, have been trying round the clock to find a way to perfect this.

0:12:290:12:33

Burnt bums, burnt testicles...

0:12:330:12:36

-And "round-the-clock" isn't always the phrase they use.

-LAUGHTER

0:12:360:12:40

But it's very similar.

0:12:400:12:42

APPLAUSE

0:12:420:12:46

What event did they think this latest bum-bomb might have been intended to commemorate?

0:12:460:12:51

It was meant to be a year since Obama...killed Osama.

0:12:510:12:56

That's right. But this also gave the US military a fantastic excuse to release some of Bin Laden's letters.

0:12:560:13:00

-Have you seen any of these?

-Yes, they are rather whingey.

0:13:000:13:03

He's got a slight tone of Ken Livingstone about him.

0:13:030:13:06

LAUGHTER

0:13:060:13:08

What was his master plan?

0:13:080:13:10

-Did he have one?

-He had several, but the one he was particularly keen on,

0:13:100:13:14

he wanted to try and shoot down Obama's plane if he ever visited Afghanistan. But not Joe Biden!

0:13:140:13:19

This was his point. He thought that if Obama died...

0:13:190:13:22

LAUGHTER

0:13:270:13:29

That's a ringing endorsement for Joe Biden, isn't it?

0:13:290:13:33

"I am so incompetent that our enemies want to make me President as a weapon!"

0:13:330:13:37

Let's look at leaders on their way out.

0:13:370:13:39

Let's go closer to home, what's happened in France this past week?

0:13:390:13:41

-There has been an election.

-Sarkozy's out.

0:13:410:13:44

-Who won that one, Nadine?

-Hollande.

-"Ollonde?"

-"Ollonde!"

-Hollande.

0:13:440:13:49

That's right. So, yes, Francois Hollande, he has the rich in his sights.

0:13:490:13:53

It hasn't gone down well in France, apparently the CAC is down 4%.

0:13:530:13:58

Hollande, he doesn't like the EU's austerity measures, either.

0:13:580:14:03

Which might cause problems for the Germans.

0:14:030:14:05

But where else is democracy upsetting the apple wagon?

0:14:050:14:10

-Are you referring to Greece?

-I am.

-They've had elections in Greece.

-Yes.

0:14:100:14:15

And the new people who have come in, the new people have said, "Our plan is not to pay back the loan."

0:14:150:14:21

And so throughout Europe there is, essentially, two points of view. Everyone else and the Germans.

0:14:210:14:26

And last time, that didn't go so well!

0:14:260:14:29

LAUGHTER

0:14:290:14:32

In terms of the major threats to the eurozone, nationalism, isolationism

0:14:320:14:35

and financial turmoil, how did the Mirror sum up the situation?

0:14:350:14:39

It's a tragedy.

0:14:390:14:41

And on the subject of foreigners,

0:14:460:14:48

who would like to see a commercial for a Chinese kitchen knife?

0:14:480:14:50

-Yes, please.

-Here we are.

0:14:500:14:53

BIZARRE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Hoi Chi is a specialist manufacturer

0:14:530:14:56

and exporter of ceramic knives.

0:14:560:14:58

We have advanced production equipment

0:14:580:15:00

and a superior technical personnel.

0:15:000:15:03

Quality first and continuous innovation is our persistent aim

0:15:030:15:08

and we focus our attention on manufacturing

0:15:080:15:11

and selling various kinds of novelty.

0:15:110:15:14

Robert Peston's voice coach.

0:15:170:15:20

Yes, this was the triumph for the CIA this week as they foiled

0:15:210:15:24

another underpant bomb plot.

0:15:240:15:26

The original underpants bomb plot resulted in the device

0:15:260:15:29

only partially exploding in the bomber's underwear.

0:15:290:15:31

The bomber was able to get through security

0:15:310:15:33

because the device had no moving parts.

0:15:330:15:36

And now, neither does he.

0:15:360:15:38

Also this week, Greece tried to bring about the end of West un...

0:15:390:15:42

West un!

0:15:420:15:43

Can we get the bloke who did the Chinese knife advert?

0:15:430:15:47

Also this week,

0:15:510:15:53

Greece tried to bring about the end of Western civilisation.

0:15:530:15:55

Well, the Greeks started it,

0:15:550:15:57

seems only fair they should be the ones to end it.

0:15:570:16:00

According to one newspaper...

0:16:000:16:02

So if the Greek finance minister is watching,

0:16:060:16:08

bung 60 billion on that, pull out, sorted.

0:16:080:16:11

And so we come to round two, the picture spin quiz.

0:16:150:16:18

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:16:180:16:20

LAUGHTER

0:16:260:16:27

BUZZER

0:16:270:16:28

Yes, Paul and Reginald.

0:16:280:16:30

There seems to be a man conducting an invisible orchestra.

0:16:300:16:34

He's conducting huge amounts of cheese.

0:16:340:16:37

So is this some musical cheese reference

0:16:370:16:39

I've missed over the last week? Is cheese the new music?

0:16:390:16:42

You can carry a piece of cheddar in your hand

0:16:420:16:44

and it's Elgar written all the way through it?

0:16:440:16:46

No. No, you're wrong. You're kind of close.

0:16:460:16:49

It's a musical vibrational technique

0:16:490:16:52

in order to make sure that cheese ages the right way.

0:16:520:16:54

Plausible, sensible...not right.

0:16:540:16:58

This is the news that songwriters are being invited to create

0:16:580:17:01

a national anthem for cheddar cheese.

0:17:010:17:04

-Whose idea was this?

-Was it somebody at the Cheese Council?

-The BCB?

0:17:080:17:12

The British Cheese Board.

0:17:120:17:13

-It's true! Seriously, the British Cheese Board.

-Is this a joke?

-No!

0:17:190:17:22

The BCB want songwriters to come up with original lyrics

0:17:220:17:25

about Cheddar to the tune of what?

0:17:250:17:28

-God Save The Queen.

-Exactly, and Land Of Hope And Glory

0:17:280:17:31

and Jerusalem, these kinds of tunes. Anyone want to submit an entry now?

0:17:310:17:36

I'd like to have had some notice on this.

0:17:360:17:39

-The BeeCheese or something like that?

-No.

0:17:400:17:43

-Who have BCB chosen to spearhead this campaign?

-Me.

0:17:430:17:48

I didn't want to say, but...

0:17:480:17:50

It's Alex James. He's the man behind it. He said...

0:17:520:17:54

Which is, of course, Simon Cowell's job.

0:18:000:18:01

How will the anthem winner be judged?

0:18:040:18:05

By a tone-deaf cow attached to a Taser.

0:18:050:18:10

There's going to be a judging panel of BCB members,

0:18:110:18:14

that's basically how...

0:18:140:18:16

Kazakhstan already has its own national anthem, of course.

0:18:160:18:19

What happened when it was played at the opening

0:18:190:18:21

of a skiing competition in the north of the country?

0:18:210:18:24

It was the wrong one. They played the national anthem from Borat.

0:18:240:18:28

Oh, no. This is yet another Kazakh mix-up. Look at this.

0:18:280:18:34

MUSIC: "Livin' la Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin

0:18:480:18:53

ANTHEM PLAYS

0:18:530:18:55

Yes, they played Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca in by mistake.

0:18:590:19:03

This is the competition to write a national anthem for cheddar.

0:19:030:19:06

As a cheesemaker himself,

0:19:060:19:07

Blur's Alex James is the face of the cheddar competition.

0:19:070:19:10

Next year, there will be a similar contest for George Michael

0:19:100:19:13

and his favourite cheese - cottage.

0:19:130:19:15

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your next spinning picture.

0:19:200:19:23

That's Mr Cameron between Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brookes

0:19:270:19:33

who are both appearing at the Leveson Inquiry this week.

0:19:330:19:36

Yes, it is the continuing saga of the Leveson Inquiry.

0:19:360:19:39

-He's not looking very happy, is he?

-Not there, no.

0:19:390:19:43

I suppose being the only prime minister who has

0:19:430:19:45

had his director of communications

0:19:450:19:47

and best friend arrested by the police must be a bit depressing.

0:19:470:19:51

At the end of the day, it has been a bit of a damp squib.

0:19:510:19:54

-Everyone has been disappointed.

-We are waiting for tomorrow.

0:19:540:19:57

Then we get the text that Dave sent to Rebekah.

0:19:570:20:00

How many kisses on the end, do you think?

0:20:010:20:03

Love you.

0:20:040:20:06

LOL.

0:20:060:20:08

It is all going to be there.

0:20:100:20:11

# God save our favourite cheese

0:20:110:20:16

# We get down on our knees

0:20:160:20:19

# God save our cheese... #

0:20:190:20:22

APPLAUSE

0:20:220:20:23

# We love you forever

0:20:230:20:25

# Cos you're a piece of cheddar. #

0:20:250:20:28

APPLAUSE

0:20:280:20:30

Where do I send the invoice?

0:20:350:20:37

It just shows you how much I have been paying attention

0:20:370:20:40

for the last five minutes!

0:20:400:20:42

# And did those feet in ancient times smell slightly

0:20:420:20:47

# Of the product which I sell? #

0:20:470:20:49

No, that is the B-side.

0:20:500:20:52

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:520:20:53

Is there anything else from the Leveson Enquiry,

0:20:580:21:00

Ian, that we haven't...?

0:21:000:21:02

I don't think they sang Jerusalem.

0:21:020:21:04

What Andy Coulson said that was interesting was that...

0:21:040:21:08

I only saw this on Twitter because I was working.

0:21:080:21:11

Can I quibble with the fact that, if you are on Twitter,

0:21:110:21:13

you are not working?

0:21:130:21:16

Just because you are not watching the Leveson Enquiry,

0:21:160:21:18

the fact that you are reading Tweets,

0:21:180:21:21

it doesn't count as parliamentary work, does it?

0:21:210:21:23

Miss Nadine, I don't think he likes you much.

0:21:230:21:27

You are trying too hard. Do you not like me much?

0:21:300:21:32

I think that is an interesting question.

0:21:320:21:35

I think you are right.

0:21:350:21:37

Of course I do. I am trying to make things clear.

0:21:370:21:40

The Prime Minister and you just don't get on.

0:21:400:21:42

He called me his close friend in the chamber this week.

0:21:420:21:45

As a person, as an individual, he is a really nice man.

0:21:450:21:50

As the Prime Minister, you think he is a bit pants.

0:21:510:21:54

YOU said that. I couldn't possibly say that.

0:21:540:21:56

Are these exploding pants or just normal pants?

0:21:560:21:59

This is the ongoing Leveson Enquiry.

0:21:590:22:02

Andy Coulson faced the Leveson Enquiry this week.

0:22:020:22:04

Before giving evidence,

0:22:040:22:05

he had to swear an oath holding a Bible which was still showing

0:22:050:22:08

the burn marks from where Rupert Murdoch had touched it.

0:22:080:22:11

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:140:22:16

Ian and Nadine?

0:22:200:22:22

That is a twister in Bicester.

0:22:220:22:24

That is exactly right.

0:22:250:22:27

Which is a song from the Bicester twister board.

0:22:270:22:29

The papers were filled with tales of the destructive force of nature.

0:22:320:22:36

-What did it do?

-Did you see any of the individual stories?

0:22:360:22:39

No, let's see them.

0:22:390:22:40

Norman Ashworth, quoted in the Mail...

0:22:400:22:42

Surely the most dramatic came from Whitney resident

0:22:490:22:52

Richard Glazer who heroically drove straight through the storm.

0:22:520:22:56

If the Bicester twister an isolated incident?

0:23:030:23:06

-Uh, yes.

-I say no.

0:23:070:23:10

Two weeks ago, Rugby and Halstead were both victims of suspected

0:23:100:23:13

tornadoes, but they don't rhyme so nobody seemed interested.

0:23:130:23:17

Beryl Clark of Wentworth Road lived to tell the tale.

0:23:170:23:21

Argos, I would imagine.

0:23:260:23:27

Speaking of the weather, did anyone see the BBC's new weatherman?

0:23:290:23:32

Yes, Prince Charles.

0:23:320:23:33

Do you want to have a look?

0:23:330:23:35

This afternoon, it will be cold, wet

0:23:350:23:37

and windy across most of Scotland.

0:23:370:23:39

We are under the influence of low pressure.

0:23:390:23:43

The weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud

0:23:430:23:47

and outbreaks of rain.

0:23:470:23:49

What a surprise(!)

0:23:490:23:50

I bet I know what happened, it was a day of being silly.

0:23:520:23:55

They drove past the studio and she said, "Oh, Charles.

0:23:550:24:00

"I want to do the weather. I always have."

0:24:000:24:02

He says, "OK." And she says, "can we do it?"

0:24:040:24:06

And he says, "I'm the prince."

0:24:060:24:08

I believe that is what happened.

0:24:100:24:12

This is the tornado that hit the town of Bicester in Oxfordshire this week.

0:24:140:24:19

The Daily Mail described the scenes of devastation

0:24:190:24:21

wrought by the tornado.

0:24:210:24:22

So, if the international community are watching, please,

0:24:260:24:28

donate whatever you can.

0:24:280:24:30

Time for the missing words round. Take a look at this.

0:24:320:24:35

NADINE: Water.

0:24:370:24:38

-REGINALD:

-No official cheese song yet.

0:24:380:24:40

LAUGHTER

0:24:400:24:43

Oh!

0:24:470:24:49

After a surge of interest based on the movie, the Yemen tourist board

0:24:490:24:52

has warned Britons that there is no salmon fishing in the area.

0:24:520:24:55

LAUGHTER

0:24:550:24:56

According to the Telegraph:

0:24:560:24:58

..Though it does have a vibrant pant bomb-making sector.

0:25:020:25:05

LAUGHTER

0:25:050:25:08

Next:

0:25:080:25:10

-PAUL:

-The 1970s were like Woodstock.

0:25:130:25:15

IAN: It was a drug story, wasn't it?

0:25:170:25:19

Yup.

0:25:190:25:20

According to a BBC Four programme about television Centre,

0:25:230:25:26

drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.

0:25:260:25:29

One of the presenters of Play School got

0:25:290:25:31

so stoned he went through the square window and ended up flat... Oh!

0:25:310:25:34

LAUGHTER

0:25:340:25:37

-I'm so sorry.

-And if I might add, you had a bit of momentum too.

0:25:370:25:40

Yes, I know. It's gone now!

0:25:400:25:41

AUDIENCE: Aw!

0:25:410:25:43

That's the sort of noise every performer wants to hear.

0:25:430:25:46

LAUGHTER

0:25:460:25:48

Being deeply patronised by people who came in for nothing.

0:25:480:25:52

LAUGHTER

0:25:520:25:54

APPLAUSE

0:25:540:25:56

That cheer still counts as taking the piss, by the way.

0:25:560:25:59

According to a BBC Four programme about Television Centre,

0:26:010:26:04

drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.

0:26:040:26:06

One of the presenters of Play School got so stoned he went through

0:26:060:26:09

the square window and ended up face down in the car park.

0:26:090:26:12

CHEERING

0:26:120:26:15

And that won't sound unusual in any way, shape or form.

0:26:180:26:21

And finally:

0:26:230:26:24

-IAN: I think it's Bungay. PAUL:

-Is it Bungay?

0:26:330:26:35

The answer is:

0:26:360:26:38

The game was played in Bungay. All 22 players were called Bungay.

0:26:420:26:45

The referee was Bungay. The linesmen were Bungay.

0:26:450:26:48

The substitutes and the mascots were called Bungay.

0:26:480:26:50

And the team doctor was called Bungay.

0:26:500:26:52

It was all the idea of an employee of Bungay Town FC,

0:26:520:26:55

called Shaun Cole.

0:26:550:26:57

LAUGHTER

0:26:570:26:59

APPLAUSE

0:26:590:27:01

Or you can call it, "When inbreeding goes well."

0:27:010:27:04

LAUGHTER

0:27:040:27:06

The final scores are Paul and Reginald on five.

0:27:060:27:09

Ian and Nadine on nine.

0:27:090:27:10

CHEERING

0:27:100:27:13

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

0:27:170:27:20

Hello, have you come far?

0:27:200:27:22

LAUGHTER

0:27:220:27:24

You got my nose hair caught in your watch strap!

0:27:260:27:29

LAUGHTER

0:27:290:27:31

IAN: All rise.

0:27:350:27:37

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:27:370:27:38

APPLAUSE

0:27:380:27:41

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

0:27:410:27:43

Ian Hislop and Nadine Dorries.

0:27:430:27:45

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter.

0:27:450:27:47

I leave you with news that after Nicolas Sarkozy's

0:27:470:27:50

humiliating defeat in the French general election,

0:27:500:27:52

his wife takes him on a much-needed holiday.

0:27:520:27:55

LAUGHTER

0:27:560:27:57

At the Oxford Street branch of Primark,

0:28:000:28:02

a new sales assistant greets his first customer of the day.

0:28:020:28:05

LAUGHTER

0:28:070:28:09

Having dismissed predictions of a tornado in Bicester,

0:28:110:28:14

Michael Fish returns to his Oxfordshire home.

0:28:140:28:17

LAUGHTER

0:28:170:28:20

Good night.

0:28:200:28:21

APPLAUSE

0:28:210:28:25

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:470:28:51

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS