Episode 5 Have I Got Old News For You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong.

In the news this week, in Canary Wharf,

as the recession continues to bite, Goldman Sachs deny

that their fairground-themed office party is too extravagant.

There's disappointment for Jeremy Hunt

as he tries to wave a casual hello to David Cameron cycling to work.

And at a restaurant in Berkshire,

Kate Middleton really goes for it at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who recently hit the headlines

for calling David Cameron and George Osborne two arrogant posh boys.

So, it should make a pleasant change for her to sit between Ian and me.

Please welcome Nadine Dorries.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says in the mornings he doesn't wash or shower -

he just marinates in his own juices.

So, if nothing else, at least he SMELLS funny.

Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Nadine, take a look at this.

That's the penguin - he won. He's Mayor of London.

Oh, he hasn't won. He's pondering...

Hello! There's the penguin. Oh, off with the jacket.

-Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?

-It is!

-Who was the bride?

-Nick.

-Ah.

We know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?

APPLAUSE

No, this is the elections,

and it didn't go very well for the coalition.

And the reason it didn't go very well

is because Nadine attacked the Prime Minister.

Nothing to do with the...Lords reform being one of our main policies

when the country's in recession...

Yeah, absolutely, totally my fault. Completely down to me.

REGINALD: Excuse me, Miss Nadine.

You say that it was your fault, yet your tone does not convince me.

Yeah, you took a drubbing, didn't you, Nadine?

But good result for Labour. How many seats did they gain?

-Um...seven hundred and forty something?

-823.

We saw Professor Pongoo there in Edinburgh.

He beat the Lib Dem candidate.

He did. A penguin got more votes.

74 more votes than the Lib Dem candidate.

But I think that's cos he was wearing black tie.

People like posh, Nadine. They do, really.

But there's already a whiff of scandal.

There is a belief that there might be a man inside this penguin.

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...narrowly won a second term in London.

How did Boris respond when asked

whether he had ambitions to become Prime Minister?

Y...no.

According to the Daily Mail, he said he didn't want the Prime Minister's job...

NADINE: That means he does, then.

But would you object to Boris as Tory leader? Cos he's quite posh.

I have nothing against where he was educated.

It's how one relates to people who, I suppose, aren't posh.

And the vast majority of people in the UK

don't go to Eton or Oxford and...

-Do they not?!

-..aren't privileged.

You have to be able to relate to the ordinary lives of ordinary people.

-And Boris does that.

-What, you think he's in touch?

Well, I know he's in touch with a lot of the electorate!

That's why he's got a bike.

Well, here's Boris celebrating his victory, every inch the statesman.

There he is.

What's his...? What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?

He's actually put them on the wrong way round.

Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He said that one of his first electoral promises

is to get rid of those shorts!

There's a rampant dragon.

So after their dismal election showing,

where did Cameron and Clegg go?

Dignitas.

LAUGHTER And APPLAUSE

It was actually a tractor factory in Essex.

This is to try and please Nadine.

They went to Essex and then Cameron thought, "Oh, take off my jacket.

"Shirt sleeves. In touch.

"Ordinary people." I was totally convinced(!)

-Did you not like the re-launch?

-I didn't see it. I was busy that day.

It was a bit of a contrast from the rose garden.

Here was then. And here is now.

LAUGHTER

Well, they found a factory that's open, which is pretty good going!

Let's have a picture. Here they are.

Nick Clegg then tries to tell a joke.

Can I also just say thank you very much for letting us

interrupt your days work.

Your blue and yellow livery on your tractors,

it's tailor-made for the politics of this coalition.

SILENCE

As David explained...

Ed Miliband was also in that part of the country.

He did make a reference to the popular show The Only Way Is Essex.

-TOWIE!

-Well done. Yes, TOWIE.

-Thank you.

He said...

GROANING

Sadly this reference backfired, cos then he was asked who

his favourite character was from the series.

At which point he had to confess he'd never see it.

So, Nadine. Queen's speech. Any comments on that?

-Glad they didn't bang on about gay marriage?

-I would have liked to have seen a bit more substance in there,

like how do we get the country growing again.

How do we get it growing again?

-Well, would you like me to give you a list of measures?

-Yes, please!

-You'd be very bored.

-No, it's interesting.

-Well, we have lots...

-No one else knows.

I get lots of people who come to see me...

-This is an anecdote, not a list.

-No, no.

-They come to see me...

-And she's on his team!

-Breaking apart in front of our very eyes.

-Pushing it, man.

It's a very temporary coalition.

But your view is that having lost very badly in the local elections,

your party should move to the right.

-Is it about right and left still?

-I've no idea.

Isn't it about just doing the right thing, doing what the country needs

at a time when it needs it?

Yeah, I don't even actually identify with right and left to a huge degree.

-But you are still a Tory.

-Yeah, I'm a Tory.

-So you're vaguely on the right?

-Yeah.

I believe in freedom of the individual, yeah. I am a Tory.

Which bits of the Tories are you?

Are you a little bit UKIP-y, or...?

LAUGHTER

Are you more on the touchy-feely Cameron-y?

-I'm definitely a bit more UKIP-y.

-Right.

That side said Cameron may be kicked out of office

unless he changes direction. Is that a threat?

How many signatures do you get? 46?

The party would need to get 46 signatures, yeah.

Is it true that so far you've only got one?

An "N Dorries."

-I haven't put one in yet actually.

-Oh, haven't you? That's very loyal!

Are you confident of a promotion in the next reshuffle?

Anyone see George Osborne on Andrew Marr on Sunday?

He was there to apologise for his bungling of the budget announcement.

And obviously to slag you off, Nadine.

Chiefly he was there so he could enjoy watching Keane.

# But you and I, we're going to rise again

# Divided from the light... #

When the camera comes back to him on the second pass, he catches sight

of it and starts nodding his head in time to the music. Have a look.

# I want to love the way we used to then... #

Yes, this is the relaunch of the coalition.

David Cameron turned up in Basildon with Nick Clegg in tow

and told factory workers...

And what could be more efficient

than two blokes turning up to do one person's job?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out

in the Queen's Speech this week, telling the Prime Minister...

And in two years, the Labour leader

will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.

The press were sympathetic to the Queen for having to read the speech out.

At which point Cameron shouted, "Just read the bloody thing out, will you?!"

LAUGHTER

Paul and Reg, take a look at this.

OK, that is... Oh, there has been a pair of underpants in the news.

Oh, that would confirm it. There is a plane, a plane, an underpants bomber

has tried to blow up his own underpants on the plane.

That is the security measures and that is how spies operated in 1936.

The old cigarette case with a piece of paper. This is about bombs,

blowing yourself up, blowing underpants up on a plane.

They have arrested someone who is trying to do it

and he has been stopped and he has failed and it has not worked.

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

-What do we know about the plot?

-It didn't work.

And it involved underpants. And explosives as well,

because underpants on their own aren't much of a threat.

-This is exactly right.

-In some cases they could be, but in this case, no.

An unnamed secret agent had a bomb to blow up an unnamed plane,

which he gave to the CIA, and has now disappeared.

The only proof of his existence that we have is the bomb that he left.

-There is no other proof.

-And the underpants, presumably.

-It is a sting.

-A sting?

-Yes, it was someone...

-It would though, wouldn't it?

LAUGHTER

He said to someone in the Yemen, "I would like to blow up a plane,

"have you got any underpants with a bomb in it?"

They said, "I will run one for you, sir." Small tailors in the Yemen.

They do it all up, get underpants.

He says, "Great" and hands over to CIA because he is an agent.

What I found suspicious about this is that the handler who gave the bomb

seems to be kind of cavalier about the execution of this.

He is like, "All right, I've got the bomb. What plane and what time do you want to blow it up?"

"Uh, it's up to you, man. Whenever.

"Blow up one today or tomorrow, as long as you blow up a plane.

"Blow up something. Don't be trying to impress nobody, blow it up your way!"

LAUGHTER

We do know that the previous underpants bomb was real,

what happened to that and why are they so dangerous, these pants bombs?

-Well, it's a pair of...

-LAUGHTER

Why is a pair of pants with a bomb in it so dangerous?

If they are too tight they can cut out your blood supply.

-Men, no matter what country or culture they come from, have some fondness for their genitalia.

-Yeah.

Any man who is willing to blow up his genitalia to hurt other people,

that is a man I am scared of, do you know what I am saying?

You don't mean inflate, you mean explode?

-Exactly.

-To blow up your genitals is another thing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Underwear bombers around the world,

underwear bomb makers, have been trying round the clock to find a way to perfect this.

Burnt bums, burnt testicles...

-And "round-the-clock" isn't always the phrase they use.

-LAUGHTER

But it's very similar.

APPLAUSE

What event did they think this latest bum-bomb might have been intended to commemorate?

It was meant to be a year since Obama...killed Osama.

That's right. But this also gave the US military a fantastic excuse to release some of Bin Laden's letters.

-Have you seen any of these?

-Yes, they are rather whingey.

He's got a slight tone of Ken Livingstone about him.

LAUGHTER

What was his master plan?

-Did he have one?

-He had several, but the one he was particularly keen on,

he wanted to try and shoot down Obama's plane if he ever visited Afghanistan. But not Joe Biden!

This was his point. He thought that if Obama died...

LAUGHTER

That's a ringing endorsement for Joe Biden, isn't it?

"I am so incompetent that our enemies want to make me President as a weapon!"

Let's look at leaders on their way out.

Let's go closer to home, what's happened in France this past week?

-There has been an election.

-Sarkozy's out.

-Who won that one, Nadine?

-Hollande.

-"Ollonde?"

-"Ollonde!"

-Hollande.

That's right. So, yes, Francois Hollande, he has the rich in his sights.

It hasn't gone down well in France, apparently the CAC is down 4%.

Hollande, he doesn't like the EU's austerity measures, either.

Which might cause problems for the Germans.

But where else is democracy upsetting the apple wagon?

-Are you referring to Greece?

-I am.

-They've had elections in Greece.

-Yes.

And the new people who have come in, the new people have said, "Our plan is not to pay back the loan."

And so throughout Europe there is, essentially, two points of view. Everyone else and the Germans.

And last time, that didn't go so well!

LAUGHTER

In terms of the major threats to the eurozone, nationalism, isolationism

and financial turmoil, how did the Mirror sum up the situation?

It's a tragedy.

And on the subject of foreigners,

who would like to see a commercial for a Chinese kitchen knife?

-Yes, please.

-Here we are.

BIZARRE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Hoi Chi is a specialist manufacturer

and exporter of ceramic knives.

We have advanced production equipment

and a superior technical personnel.

Quality first and continuous innovation is our persistent aim

and we focus our attention on manufacturing

and selling various kinds of novelty.

Robert Peston's voice coach.

Yes, this was the triumph for the CIA this week as they foiled

another underpant bomb plot.

The original underpants bomb plot resulted in the device

only partially exploding in the bomber's underwear.

The bomber was able to get through security

because the device had no moving parts.

And now, neither does he.

Also this week, Greece tried to bring about the end of West un...

West un!

Can we get the bloke who did the Chinese knife advert?

Also this week,

Greece tried to bring about the end of Western civilisation.

Well, the Greeks started it,

seems only fair they should be the ones to end it.

According to one newspaper...

So if the Greek finance minister is watching,

bung 60 billion on that, pull out, sorted.

And so we come to round two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Yes, Paul and Reginald.

There seems to be a man conducting an invisible orchestra.

He's conducting huge amounts of cheese.

So is this some musical cheese reference

I've missed over the last week? Is cheese the new music?

You can carry a piece of cheddar in your hand

and it's Elgar written all the way through it?

No. No, you're wrong. You're kind of close.

It's a musical vibrational technique

in order to make sure that cheese ages the right way.

Plausible, sensible...not right.

This is the news that songwriters are being invited to create

a national anthem for cheddar cheese.

-Whose idea was this?

-Was it somebody at the Cheese Council?

-The BCB?

The British Cheese Board.

-It's true! Seriously, the British Cheese Board.

-Is this a joke?

-No!

The BCB want songwriters to come up with original lyrics

about Cheddar to the tune of what?

-God Save The Queen.

-Exactly, and Land Of Hope And Glory

and Jerusalem, these kinds of tunes. Anyone want to submit an entry now?

I'd like to have had some notice on this.

-The BeeCheese or something like that?

-No.

-Who have BCB chosen to spearhead this campaign?

-Me.

I didn't want to say, but...

It's Alex James. He's the man behind it. He said...

Which is, of course, Simon Cowell's job.

How will the anthem winner be judged?

By a tone-deaf cow attached to a Taser.

There's going to be a judging panel of BCB members,

that's basically how...

Kazakhstan already has its own national anthem, of course.

What happened when it was played at the opening

of a skiing competition in the north of the country?

It was the wrong one. They played the national anthem from Borat.

Oh, no. This is yet another Kazakh mix-up. Look at this.

MUSIC: "Livin' la Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin

ANTHEM PLAYS

Yes, they played Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca in by mistake.

This is the competition to write a national anthem for cheddar.

As a cheesemaker himself,

Blur's Alex James is the face of the cheddar competition.

Next year, there will be a similar contest for George Michael

and his favourite cheese - cottage.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your next spinning picture.

That's Mr Cameron between Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brookes

who are both appearing at the Leveson Inquiry this week.

Yes, it is the continuing saga of the Leveson Inquiry.

-He's not looking very happy, is he?

-Not there, no.

I suppose being the only prime minister who has

had his director of communications

and best friend arrested by the police must be a bit depressing.

At the end of the day, it has been a bit of a damp squib.

-Everyone has been disappointed.

-We are waiting for tomorrow.

Then we get the text that Dave sent to Rebekah.

How many kisses on the end, do you think?

Love you.

LOL.

It is all going to be there.

# God save our favourite cheese

# We get down on our knees

# God save our cheese... #

APPLAUSE

# We love you forever

# Cos you're a piece of cheddar. #

APPLAUSE

Where do I send the invoice?

It just shows you how much I have been paying attention

for the last five minutes!

# And did those feet in ancient times smell slightly

# Of the product which I sell? #

No, that is the B-side.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is there anything else from the Leveson Enquiry,

Ian, that we haven't...?

I don't think they sang Jerusalem.

What Andy Coulson said that was interesting was that...

I only saw this on Twitter because I was working.

Can I quibble with the fact that, if you are on Twitter,

you are not working?

Just because you are not watching the Leveson Enquiry,

the fact that you are reading Tweets,

it doesn't count as parliamentary work, does it?

Miss Nadine, I don't think he likes you much.

You are trying too hard. Do you not like me much?

I think that is an interesting question.

I think you are right.

Of course I do. I am trying to make things clear.

The Prime Minister and you just don't get on.

He called me his close friend in the chamber this week.

As a person, as an individual, he is a really nice man.

As the Prime Minister, you think he is a bit pants.

YOU said that. I couldn't possibly say that.

Are these exploding pants or just normal pants?

This is the ongoing Leveson Enquiry.

Andy Coulson faced the Leveson Enquiry this week.

Before giving evidence,

he had to swear an oath holding a Bible which was still showing

the burn marks from where Rupert Murdoch had touched it.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Ian and Nadine?

That is a twister in Bicester.

That is exactly right.

Which is a song from the Bicester twister board.

The papers were filled with tales of the destructive force of nature.

-What did it do?

-Did you see any of the individual stories?

No, let's see them.

Norman Ashworth, quoted in the Mail...

Surely the most dramatic came from Whitney resident

Richard Glazer who heroically drove straight through the storm.

If the Bicester twister an isolated incident?

-Uh, yes.

-I say no.

Two weeks ago, Rugby and Halstead were both victims of suspected

tornadoes, but they don't rhyme so nobody seemed interested.

Beryl Clark of Wentworth Road lived to tell the tale.

Argos, I would imagine.

Speaking of the weather, did anyone see the BBC's new weatherman?

Yes, Prince Charles.

Do you want to have a look?

This afternoon, it will be cold, wet

and windy across most of Scotland.

We are under the influence of low pressure.

The weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud

and outbreaks of rain.

What a surprise(!)

I bet I know what happened, it was a day of being silly.

They drove past the studio and she said, "Oh, Charles.

"I want to do the weather. I always have."

He says, "OK." And she says, "can we do it?"

And he says, "I'm the prince."

I believe that is what happened.

This is the tornado that hit the town of Bicester in Oxfordshire this week.

The Daily Mail described the scenes of devastation

wrought by the tornado.

So, if the international community are watching, please,

donate whatever you can.

Time for the missing words round. Take a look at this.

NADINE: Water.

-REGINALD:

-No official cheese song yet.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

After a surge of interest based on the movie, the Yemen tourist board

has warned Britons that there is no salmon fishing in the area.

LAUGHTER

According to the Telegraph:

..Though it does have a vibrant pant bomb-making sector.

LAUGHTER

Next:

-PAUL:

-The 1970s were like Woodstock.

IAN: It was a drug story, wasn't it?

Yup.

According to a BBC Four programme about television Centre,

drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.

One of the presenters of Play School got

so stoned he went through the square window and ended up flat... Oh!

LAUGHTER

-I'm so sorry.

-And if I might add, you had a bit of momentum too.

Yes, I know. It's gone now!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

That's the sort of noise every performer wants to hear.

LAUGHTER

Being deeply patronised by people who came in for nothing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That cheer still counts as taking the piss, by the way.

According to a BBC Four programme about Television Centre,

drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.

One of the presenters of Play School got so stoned he went through

the square window and ended up face down in the car park.

CHEERING

And that won't sound unusual in any way, shape or form.

And finally:

-IAN: I think it's Bungay. PAUL:

-Is it Bungay?

The answer is:

The game was played in Bungay. All 22 players were called Bungay.

The referee was Bungay. The linesmen were Bungay.

The substitutes and the mascots were called Bungay.

And the team doctor was called Bungay.

It was all the idea of an employee of Bungay Town FC,

called Shaun Cole.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Or you can call it, "When inbreeding goes well."

LAUGHTER

The final scores are Paul and Reginald on five.

Ian and Nadine on nine.

CHEERING

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

Hello, have you come far?

LAUGHTER

You got my nose hair caught in your watch strap!

LAUGHTER

IAN: All rise.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Nadine Dorries.

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter.

I leave you with news that after Nicolas Sarkozy's

humiliating defeat in the French general election,

his wife takes him on a much-needed holiday.

LAUGHTER

At the Oxford Street branch of Primark,

a new sales assistant greets his first customer of the day.

LAUGHTER

Having dismissed predictions of a tornado in Bicester,

Michael Fish returns to his Oxfordshire home.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd