Episode 1 Have I Got Old News For You


Episode 1

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

APPLAUSE

0:00:270:00:30

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

0:00:400:00:42

I'm Stephen Mangan.

0:00:420:00:44

In the news this week, recently discovered footage shows

0:00:440:00:47

a young Boris Johnson helping his brother perform a magic trick.

0:00:470:00:51

As BBC TV Centre finally closes its doors

0:01:020:01:04

and iconic shows have to be made elsewhere,

0:01:040:01:07

removal men carefully follow instructions

0:01:070:01:09

regarding Jools Holland's piano.

0:01:090:01:11

In Westminster, George Osborne asks his Treasury team

0:01:170:01:20

to stand behind his latest budget.

0:01:200:01:22

And in Cyprus, after his meeting

0:01:310:01:32

with the finance minister is cancelled,

0:01:320:01:34

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls

0:01:340:01:36

has two hours to kill before his flight home.

0:01:360:01:39

DANCE MUSIC

0:01:390:01:42

With Ian tonight is the broadcaster, journalist and Labour peer

0:01:510:01:56

whose controversial career in TV once had her deliver

0:01:560:01:59

a commentary while a couple had sex in the studio.

0:01:590:02:02

Not a report on censorship, just the 1987 Newsnight Christmas party.

0:02:020:02:07

Please welcome Joan Bakewell.

0:02:070:02:09

APPLAUSE

0:02:090:02:11

And on Paul's team tonight is the co-host of TV quiz Pointless,

0:02:150:02:20

who says that his role there is to add to

0:02:200:02:23

the Brokeback Mountain-style sexual frisson of the show.

0:02:230:02:26

Exactly the same reason we got him here tonight.

0:02:260:02:29

Please welcome Paul's bitch, Richard Osman.

0:02:300:02:32

APPLAUSE

0:02:320:02:34

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

0:02:400:02:42

Ian and Joan, take a look at this.

0:02:420:02:44

Iain Duncan Smith.

0:02:450:02:47

Oh, the poor. The poor!

0:02:470:02:48

He knows a lot about them.

0:02:500:02:51

And the rich, he's one of them, so that's all right.

0:02:510:02:53

He's on familiar territory there.

0:02:530:02:55

Here's a man who's taken the wrong path and is sticking to it.

0:02:550:02:59

Yes, he's just looking for some ideas.

0:02:590:03:02

That was a selection of popular Tories.

0:03:020:03:05

Ending with the Chancellor.

0:03:070:03:09

He gave a moving speech at Morrisons.

0:03:090:03:12

Yes, this is the introduction of significant changes

0:03:120:03:15

both to the benefit system and to George Osborne's accent.

0:03:150:03:20

Let's start with the benefit changes.

0:03:200:03:23

There are lots of benefit changes

0:03:230:03:25

and they're all quite complicated, so, Ian?

0:03:250:03:27

Well, there's a cap on total benefits you can claim in a year.

0:03:300:03:34

That's popular. People don't want to feel that if they work

0:03:340:03:36

they're going to make less money than if they were on benefits.

0:03:360:03:39

That's one. They've changed the disability living benefit.

0:03:390:03:42

There's the supposed bedroom tax, that's quite interesting.

0:03:420:03:46

They are important, but the main thrust of them is,

0:03:460:03:49

we're all in it together - except the people who aren't.

0:03:490:03:52

And they are not in it. They're not even in the spare bedroom.

0:03:530:03:57

It's very difficult for a Tory government

0:03:570:03:59

comprised of very rich people to deliver a punitive welfare budget.

0:03:590:04:03

People do think, "It's all right for you,"

0:04:030:04:06

and when you go to Morrisons and put on a fake accent

0:04:060:04:09

and say "Briddish" when you mean "British" and "kinda", it's awful.

0:04:090:04:14

Can we see a clip?

0:04:140:04:16

He's not only trying to look as though he's vaguely middle class,

0:04:160:04:19

he's trying to be Tony Blair.

0:04:190:04:21

Which is tragic.

0:04:220:04:23

Let's have a look. The first clip is how he used to speak.

0:04:250:04:28

The second one ain't.

0:04:280:04:30

They want to know if we are the change.

0:04:300:04:33

Badly wannit fixed.

0:04:330:04:34

The British people.

0:04:340:04:36

The Briddish people.

0:04:360:04:37

Twenty per cent.

0:04:370:04:38

Twenny per cent.

0:04:380:04:40

Yes, he was trying to sound less posh by saying "Briddish".

0:04:400:04:46

Briddish. Instead of British.

0:04:460:04:48

And he said "wanna" instead of "want to".

0:04:480:04:51

And he said "people like you" instead of "oiks".

0:04:510:04:54

APPLAUSE

0:04:570:05:00

Why is Morrisons so popular with com... Not comedians!

0:05:000:05:03

I thought George Osborne was a comedian for a minute.

0:05:050:05:07

Why is Morrisons...

0:05:070:05:08

I'll start again. Why is Morrisons so popular with politicians?

0:05:080:05:12

Comedians are more popular.

0:05:120:05:14

It gives them a chance to tell low-paid workers it's their fault.

0:05:140:05:18

Yes.

0:05:190:05:21

Morrisons, I don't know what it is with politicians and Morrisons.

0:05:210:05:24

Yeah, what is it about politicians and Morrisons?

0:05:240:05:26

George Osborne went to the Morrisons distribution centre in Kent

0:05:260:05:30

to give a speech.

0:05:300:05:31

David Cameron went to the same place in 2010.

0:05:310:05:33

Nick Clegg has been to a Morrisons in Norwich

0:05:330:05:35

and Ed Miliband was on special offer at a Morrisons.

0:05:350:05:38

APPLAUSE

0:05:410:05:44

Since Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith

0:05:440:05:46

introduced the benefit changes,

0:05:460:05:49

what have over 400,000 people asked him to go and do?

0:05:490:05:52

Live on ?53 a week.

0:05:520:05:55

And is he gonna?

0:05:550:05:57

Some of them want him to do it for more than a week.

0:05:590:06:01

I imagine even he concedes he could only do it if the house,

0:06:010:06:05

the heating, the rates, the tax,

0:06:050:06:08

all that was taken care of

0:06:080:06:10

and the ?53 was actually for food and snacks and chewing gum and whatever.

0:06:100:06:15

That's quite shocking. Do you think he chews gum?

0:06:150:06:18

I've suddenly gone off him in a big way.

0:06:200:06:23

?53 worth a week of it as well.

0:06:230:06:25

Market trader David Bennett told the BBC he'd have to support his family

0:06:250:06:30

on ?53 a week, and that's what started the petition off.

0:06:300:06:33

How has Iain Duncan Smith defended himself?

0:06:330:06:35

He said he was unemployed himself at one point,

0:06:350:06:37

and things were so bad, they had to sack the butler.

0:06:370:06:40

Yes. That is pretty much it. He was unemployed.

0:06:400:06:42

Because he was Tory leader.

0:06:420:06:44

It was when he...

0:06:440:06:45

He said...

0:06:470:06:48

Although he has been given the rent-free use

0:06:530:06:55

of a large 16th-century farmhouse on the ancestral estate

0:06:550:06:58

of his father-in-law, the Fifth Baron of Cottesloe.

0:06:580:07:01

So it hasn't been entirely a struggle.

0:07:010:07:05

Brought up on an estate!

0:07:050:07:06

What's happened to Iain Duncan Smith twice?

0:07:100:07:13

He's been unemployed twice, after he left the Army.

0:07:130:07:16

I think he went on the dole, didn't he?

0:07:160:07:19

No, he didn't.

0:07:190:07:21

He said he didn't claim anything.

0:07:210:07:23

He said of losing his job in the early '90s...

0:07:230:07:25

Effectively ending his career as a conductor.

0:07:290:07:31

He went on...

0:07:330:07:34

Fortunately, they were given rent-free use

0:07:370:07:39

of that large 16th-century farmhouse.

0:07:390:07:41

The overall benefit figure is going up

0:07:410:07:44

and it is going to be about 200 billion in a couple of years' time.

0:07:440:07:48

So even you lot, when you get in, will have to do something about it.

0:07:480:07:51

Do you know where it's going?

0:07:510:07:53

At least two thirds of the benefit money goes to older, retired people.

0:07:530:07:57

So it's your fault? For being old?

0:07:570:08:01

Look, time to strip the pensioners of all those freebies.

0:08:010:08:05

For example, we just...

0:08:060:08:07

Not at all, good heavens above.

0:08:100:08:12

Do you want to hear what they would say in the Home Counties?

0:08:120:08:15

We have worked all our lives

0:08:150:08:17

and we deserve the reward in our older years.

0:08:170:08:20

And they're right. And they're right.

0:08:200:08:22

So the fact that you get these for free

0:08:220:08:24

and tellies and heating and everything...

0:08:240:08:27

I beg your...

0:08:270:08:29

Everything, everything for free!

0:08:290:08:33

I have a bus pass.

0:08:330:08:34

You have a bus pass?!

0:08:340:08:36

I have a bus pass.

0:08:360:08:37

I climb on the bus with a whole lot of other jolly retired people

0:08:370:08:40

and we have a very good time prancing around London...

0:08:400:08:43

Spending money and going to champagne and oyster bars.

0:08:430:08:46

?53 a week...

0:08:470:08:48

Going to the opera.

0:08:480:08:50

I think you're mixing up Oyster card with oyster bar.

0:08:500:08:53

APPLAUSE

0:08:560:08:58

I was really shocked, because this week the Guardian said,

0:08:590:09:02

"When are pensioners going to actually pay up?"

0:09:020:09:04

Your generation.

0:09:040:09:06

There is a hideous attempt to create a war between the young and the old.

0:09:080:09:12

RICHARD: That would be awesome.

0:09:120:09:13

That would be... That would be awesome.

0:09:130:09:16

Are you seeing a TV pilot already?

0:09:160:09:18

If I can buy the rights, Joan, let's talk.

0:09:180:09:21

There are more of us than there are of the young, of course.

0:09:220:09:25

That's what makes it interesting. There's more of you...

0:09:250:09:28

But they're quicker!

0:09:280:09:29

You've got the buses sewn up.

0:09:310:09:33

We've got the bus franchise on our side. Yes, I can see the strategy.

0:09:330:09:37

I can see it working quite well. Who would be your leader?

0:09:370:09:40

Oh, I can't imagine.

0:09:400:09:41

General Bakewell. I can see it now.

0:09:420:09:44

I think it's Brucie, isn't it? Brucie would be the leader.

0:09:440:09:48

I thought you said, "I think that's Brucie."

0:09:480:09:50

Are you talking TV pilot now

0:09:520:09:53

or are you talking master of illusion?

0:09:530:09:55

I'm not talking TV pilot. I say let's go straight to series.

0:09:550:09:58

Yes! Absolutely.

0:09:580:10:00

It's not just those on low incomes affected by the cuts.

0:10:000:10:03

What's going to happen to those people earning over ?150,000 a year?

0:10:030:10:07

They get a tax break.

0:10:070:10:08

They get a tax cut.

0:10:080:10:10

So that's nice. It's nice to go to the opera, you need tickets.

0:10:100:10:14

You're not going to go to many operas on ?53 a week, are you? No.

0:10:140:10:18

That doesn't get you very far if you want to see Wagner's Ring

0:10:180:10:20

and I understand...

0:10:200:10:22

LAUGHTER

0:10:220:10:23

The audience has gone lowbrow on you.

0:10:260:10:28

The poor souls are getting their income tax cut from 50p to 45p.

0:10:300:10:34

In other good news,

0:10:340:10:35

the Queen is getting a ?6 million pay rise... Yay!

0:10:350:10:38

..and, Joan, you'll get your winter fuel allowance,

0:10:380:10:41

so it's all good news.

0:10:410:10:42

I tried to send mine back. Did you? I rang them and said,

0:10:430:10:46

"I don't need this money. Will you please take it back?"

0:10:460:10:49

And they said, "We have no mechanism for retrieving it."

0:10:490:10:52

I will take it over if you...

0:10:520:10:55

JOAN: Strange you say that, because they set up a charity

0:10:550:10:58

to receive the ?200 cheque.

0:10:580:11:00

It was the only way to do it.

0:11:000:11:02

They've got the warmest offices in London.

0:11:020:11:05

But the Queen has got so many spare bedrooms.

0:11:070:11:10

All her kids have left home.

0:11:100:11:12

Surely she owes us six million in bedroom tax?

0:11:120:11:16

Because she's on benefits. She's state-funded.

0:11:160:11:19

Finally, what else has been abolished this week

0:11:190:11:22

to be replaced by seven new ones?

0:11:220:11:24

The class system has been abolished, is that it?

0:11:240:11:28

The upper, middle, working, old,

0:11:280:11:30

the sociological format they devised back in the 1940s.

0:11:300:11:33

There's now seven.

0:11:330:11:34

Has anyone taken the test?

0:11:340:11:37

AUDIENCE: Yes.

0:11:370:11:38

Right. Good.

0:11:390:11:41

How many of you were elite? SILENCE

0:11:410:11:43

Oh, come on!

0:11:430:11:44

Just because you lied.

0:11:470:11:49

Established middle class?

0:11:490:11:51

A FEW CHEERS

0:11:510:11:52

That sounded established to me.

0:11:540:11:56

Traditional working class?

0:11:560:11:59

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Rather!

0:11:590:12:02

APPLAUSE

0:12:020:12:03

Richard, do you socialise with lorry drivers?

0:12:080:12:11

That's one of the questions on this BBC... I do.

0:12:110:12:14

He's a very good friend of mine, Laurie Drivers.

0:12:140:12:17

He works in the City for Deutsche Bank.

0:12:170:12:19

It has a different tenor if you ask that question of a woman,

0:12:190:12:23

doesn't it, really?

0:12:230:12:25

Do you socialise with lorry drivers, Joan? Not often enough.

0:12:250:12:29

One of the questions is, "Do you like classical music?"

0:12:340:12:37

And if you like classical music,

0:12:370:12:38

it tends to move you towards the elite group.

0:12:380:12:41

Well, I think that's an outrage!

0:12:410:12:43

How patronising to suggest that everybody who likes classical music

0:12:430:12:46

belongs to a certain class.

0:12:460:12:48

RICHARD: True, though.

0:12:480:12:49

I ticked the box that said hip-hop.

0:12:530:12:56

I was trying to bring my score down. Did it work?

0:12:580:13:00

Did you think you were applying for the NHS's latest operation?

0:13:000:13:04

This is the latest round of benefit cuts.

0:13:060:13:08

Several politicians have actually tried to experience

0:13:080:13:10

life on benefits. According to the Mirror...

0:13:100:13:12

Part of the Government's successful

0:13:160:13:18

"Get back to work or we'll send Ann Widdecombe round" campaign.

0:13:180:13:20

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

0:13:230:13:25

Yes. Right, yes.

0:13:250:13:27

Sunderland's new right-winger.

0:13:270:13:29

Yes, indeed.

0:13:290:13:30

That's him not doing the fascist salute. And the funny...

0:13:300:13:34

There's John Terry.

0:13:340:13:36

So yes, it's the extraordinary story of Sunderland Football Club

0:13:380:13:42

getting rid of their manager, and employing the new guy,

0:13:420:13:46

Paolo di Canio, who has talked about being a fascist

0:13:460:13:49

and been shown giving fascist salutes.

0:13:490:13:52

For Newcastle fans, Christmas has come early. They must be astonished.

0:13:520:13:56

Shot themselves in the foot.

0:13:560:13:58

Or is it hung themselves from the lamppost? They've done something.

0:13:580:14:01

Very bad. As well as being a fascist, he's a lunatic.

0:14:010:14:03

That's the best thing about him. And you have proof of that?

0:14:030:14:06

He just is. He just is! Move along.

0:14:060:14:11

I did feel sorry for him in his press conference,

0:14:110:14:13

because they kept badgering him.

0:14:130:14:15

He looked like he'd had it up to here.

0:14:150:14:17

APPLAUSE

0:14:170:14:19

But he said, "I'm a fascist.

0:14:230:14:25

"I'm not a racist." Which, you know, that's fine, clearly.

0:14:250:14:29

Well, John Terry, for example, is not a fascist.

0:14:290:14:32

So this press conference, how did Paolo di Canio attempt

0:14:350:14:38

to draw a line under his political beliefs?

0:14:380:14:40

He rounded everyone up and shipped them out.

0:14:400:14:42

What he did was, he said...

0:14:450:14:46

I believe him. This might not be a political statement.

0:14:480:14:51

It could be just him waving. And this could just be him stretching.

0:14:510:14:55

And this could be him doing an impression of Emu.

0:14:570:14:59

Anyone know where di Canio is here in this photo?

0:15:010:15:05

That's him there. RICHARD: Right in the middle.

0:15:050:15:07

Oh, not where is he in the photo, but where...

0:15:070:15:09

As we get older, the questions get easier, don't they?

0:15:130:15:16

Is this the funeral of a prominent right-winger? It is, yes.

0:15:160:15:20

A well-known Italian fascist who was linked to a terrorist attack

0:15:200:15:24

in Bologna. And here are Paolo's fellow mourners,

0:15:240:15:28

who I think are just giving a nice synchronised goodbye wave.

0:15:280:15:31

Paolo di Canio called Mussolini basically a very principled,

0:15:320:15:36

ethical individual, not to mention a midfield general,

0:15:360:15:39

not afraid to shoot, who could also hang in the air by the post.

0:15:390:15:43

But behind all this,

0:15:460:15:48

what really matters is the person behind the beliefs.

0:15:480:15:51

Is he a nice man to his players? No, he's not great.

0:15:510:15:55

No, because he was at Swindon before.

0:15:550:15:57

Doesn't garner the same amount of attention.

0:15:570:16:00

No, it's a bit like invading Czechoslovakia.

0:16:000:16:02

You've got to invade Poland before people take any notice.

0:16:020:16:06

APPLAUSE

0:16:060:16:07

It's going to make the season exciting, though.

0:16:100:16:13

I think it's what the Premiership's been missing - a fascist manager.

0:16:130:16:17

No, I think it's been missing an openly fascist manager.

0:16:170:16:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:190:16:23

Yes, he likes kicking his players.

0:16:240:16:26

PAUL LAUGHS

0:16:260:16:28

He says...

0:16:280:16:30

Did anyone see the Irish Daily Star's big scoop

0:16:350:16:38

on the Di Canio appointment? No, I missed it. It said...

0:16:380:16:40

You heard it here first.

0:17:060:17:07

And what's all this got to do with David Miliband?

0:17:090:17:12

He was the deputy chair and he resigned in protest.

0:17:120:17:16

He does happen to be going to New York anyway.

0:17:160:17:18

How do we feel about losing a Miliband brother to the States?

0:17:180:17:21

Not as good as his brother Ed does.

0:17:210:17:23

Yes, now Miliband's resigned as MP, we'll probably never have the chance

0:17:240:17:28

to see that old embarrassing photo of him ever again, will we?

0:17:280:17:30

David Miliband was, of course, a former colleague of Ed Balls.

0:17:330:17:36

Shall we see how Ed's getting on with his keep-fit routine?

0:17:360:17:40

DANCE MUSIC

0:17:400:17:42

Actually, you've missed something,

0:17:450:17:47

because behind him on the right hand side as we look is David Miliband.

0:17:470:17:51

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:510:17:54

This is the controversial decision

0:17:570:17:59

to appoint Paulo Di Canio as the manager of Sunderland.

0:17:590:18:01

Most of the footballing world was shocked to hear Paulo Di Canio

0:18:010:18:04

say he was a big admirer of Benito Mussolini,

0:18:040:18:07

except for Harry Redknapp, who immediately tried to sign him.

0:18:070:18:11

Many Sunderland fans were upset at the idea

0:18:110:18:13

that their club was managed by a fascist,

0:18:130:18:16

saying that they have a proud tradition of welcoming people,

0:18:160:18:18

regardless of colour or creed.

0:18:180:18:20

Just as long as yer not a BLEEP Geordie!

0:18:200:18:24

Sunderland accent right there.

0:18:240:18:26

Buying meat products has never been so difficult.

0:18:270:18:30

You never know what's inside.

0:18:300:18:32

So, now on to Round Two, the Pies of News.

0:18:320:18:36

Buzz in when you've identified the news filling.

0:18:360:18:40

BELL RINGS

0:18:440:18:45

Ian.

0:18:450:18:46

LAUGHTER

0:18:460:18:49

That's the winner of the Grand National.

0:18:490:18:51

This is horsemeat found in products,

0:18:510:18:54

including one which is meant to be fish.

0:18:540:18:56

Is that right? Not quite, Ian.

0:18:560:18:57

Fish is the new thing that's being missold.

0:18:570:19:00

According to Mark Drummond from the National Federation of Fish Friers,

0:19:000:19:03

it's more of a problem with:

0:19:030:19:04

I didn't think this whole horsemeat scandal had affected me at all.

0:19:120:19:15

No. But this is the first year when betting on the Grand National has made me feel peckish.

0:19:150:19:19

Tesco has taken a lot of flak.

0:19:200:19:22

Their Customer Care team didn't help matters. What did they do?

0:19:220:19:25

They took out a lot of ads. There were full page ads in the papers.

0:19:250:19:29

Tesco are apologising to us all the time.

0:19:290:19:32

It's like the power companies this week.

0:19:320:19:33

Big ads saying, "We're so sorry we got caught."

0:19:330:19:36

Other supermarkets were in the firing line.

0:19:380:19:40

Aldi, for instance. One of your favourites, Ian.

0:19:400:19:43

No, I'm more of a Lidl man. You're more of a "little" man.

0:19:440:19:47

Their beef lasagne, eaten any of that?

0:19:510:19:53

Not recently, but apparently, that had a problem with horses in it.

0:19:530:19:58

Wasn't that 100% horsemeat?

0:19:580:19:59

Yeah, it actually came with a sheepskin noseband.

0:19:590:20:02

Yes, a lasagne that's 100% horsemeat.

0:20:040:20:06

What, no pasta or cheese?

0:20:060:20:08

You don't want to know where that came from!

0:20:090:20:11

They tracked it all down to this Romanian abattoir

0:20:110:20:14

and the bloke was outraged. He said,

0:20:140:20:15

"Of course it's horse. That's what we sell.

0:20:150:20:17

"We sell horse. It's really good."

0:20:170:20:20

What is the world coming to if you can't trust a Romanian abattoir?

0:20:200:20:24

And it's not just horses that are trying to get into lasagne.

0:20:270:20:30

I spotted Rebekah Brooks...

0:20:310:20:33

..attempting a new career path

0:20:340:20:36

by trying to pass herself off as some minced beef.

0:20:360:20:39

Yes, it's yet another week for vegetarians to feel smug.

0:20:460:20:49

Still, just wait until they find out

0:20:490:20:51

how much human saliva goes into making tofu.

0:20:510:20:54

Fingers on buzzers. Here's the next pie.

0:20:540:20:58

BELL RINGS Yes, Joan.

0:21:010:21:03

Well, I was there at the time.

0:21:030:21:05

It was Eddie Mair's interview with Boris Johnson

0:21:050:21:08

on The Andrew Marr Show.

0:21:080:21:10

He drew a conclusion that was pushing interviewing to the very edge.

0:21:100:21:15

And we all enjoyed it enormously.

0:21:150:21:18

Shall we see how the interview panned out? It started very well.

0:21:180:21:21

Boris Johnson, you may now interrupt. Good morning.

0:21:210:21:24

Good morning. How are you? Very, very good, thank you.

0:21:240:21:26

But then he was asked a question.

0:21:260:21:28

The Times let you go after you made up a quote.

0:21:310:21:34

Why did you make up a quote?

0:21:340:21:36

Well, uh...

0:21:360:21:38

This... Again, you know, these are... These are...

0:21:380:21:41

These are big terms for... What happened was...

0:21:410:21:45

I can tell you the whole thing.

0:21:450:21:47

Are you sure our viewers wouldn't want to hear more about...?

0:21:470:21:51

If you don't want to talk about a made-up quote...

0:21:510:21:54

It was a long and lamentable story.

0:21:540:21:56

And from then on, things didn't really improve.

0:21:580:22:01

What does that say about you, Boris Johnson?

0:22:010:22:03

Are you, in fact, making up quotes, lying to your party leader,

0:22:030:22:06

wanting to be a part of someone being physically assaulted -

0:22:060:22:09

you're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

0:22:090:22:11

Were they chatting afterwards?

0:22:130:22:15

No, what happens after that programme

0:22:150:22:17

is that you're treated to a BBC breakfast.

0:22:170:22:20

Boris was nowhere to be seen. And I think he left.

0:22:200:22:24

I think he felt it was discreet to go.

0:22:240:22:26

Did you stay? Yes, I did.

0:22:260:22:29

Free croissant for pensioners?

0:22:290:22:30

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And why not?

0:22:330:22:35

I suspect you took a couple home in your bag.

0:22:360:22:39

So what did Boris say about the interview?

0:22:410:22:43

HE BLUSTERS

0:22:430:22:46

APPLAUSE

0:22:460:22:49

"Is this being recorded?"

0:22:510:22:52

No, he was rather surprised

0:22:520:22:54

because he was expecting to talk about

0:22:540:22:56

how wonderful he was in the documentary, and he got caught out.

0:22:560:23:00

He said... He recovered.

0:23:000:23:01

Despite not eating the breakfast with Joan, he went away and,

0:23:010:23:04

being quite clever at it, he said, "Yes, it's brilliant, the BBC.

0:23:040:23:08

"They should really have a go. Why not?

0:23:080:23:10

"If the BBC can't call a terrible old Tory nasty,

0:23:100:23:13

"then what can they do? Ha ha, hooray for me."

0:23:130:23:16

It sort of covered the ground, briefly.

0:23:170:23:19

That's exactly right. He said...

0:23:190:23:21

Yeah, Boris, you tosser!

0:23:320:23:35

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:350:23:38

Not all of Eddie Mair's recent interviews have gone so well.

0:23:380:23:41

Here he is, having a casual chat with Sinead O'Connor.

0:23:410:23:45

Every interview I see of you drags up all of your past.

0:23:450:23:48

Yes, let's not. You're forced to go through all of that.

0:23:480:23:51

Tell me how things are now. Good, really good.

0:23:510:23:53

I'm great, I'm wonderful. I'm fantastic. I'm the greatest.

0:23:530:23:57

Are you trying to convince me or yourself?

0:23:570:23:59

Nobody, I'm just making idle conversation. Of course.

0:23:590:24:02

Until you ask me something interesting.

0:24:020:24:04

Well, look, what are we going to hear?

0:24:060:24:08

Uh, you mean musically? Yes? Musically?

0:24:080:24:11

Brilliant, yeah. We'll hear that.

0:24:110:24:13

Well, that was the greatest interview I've ever done!

0:24:130:24:16

This is Boris Johnson's bicycle crash of an interview

0:24:200:24:23

with Eddie Mair.

0:24:230:24:24

Boris Johnson's father Stanley Johnson was disgusted by the interview and claimed...

0:24:240:24:28

Obviously he's not been following Operation Yewtree.

0:24:310:24:34

Referring to his dismissal as a journalist from The Times,

0:24:340:24:37

Eddie Mair asked Boris...

0:24:370:24:39

To which Boris replied...

0:24:410:24:43

We may have made that quote up.

0:24:480:24:50

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:24:520:24:53

We've got a new lawyer, have we? Yes. Well done!

0:24:530:24:56

BELL RINGS Yes, Ian?

0:25:020:25:04

It's the Huhnes. And they've gone to jail.

0:25:040:25:06

She took his points for driving, and that was many years ago.

0:25:060:25:11

And then when he left her for his mistress,

0:25:110:25:14

she remembered that he'd broken the law.

0:25:140:25:17

And she was overcome by a great sense of citizenship.

0:25:170:25:21

And went to tell the police, who prosecuted him

0:25:220:25:25

and then prosecuted her, too.

0:25:250:25:28

And here he is, stood outside the court.

0:25:280:25:30

Some of these lenses aren't very efficient!

0:25:330:25:37

I think it's a great will-they-won't-they story.

0:25:370:25:40

Imagine when they get out, imagine if they get back together!

0:25:400:25:42

"You're going too fast for me, this is all so sudden!"

0:25:460:25:50

I have quite a lot of sympathy for her, because he was a rat.

0:25:500:25:54

But I think you'll find a lot of women feel absolutely outraged

0:25:540:25:58

by what has happened to them.

0:25:580:25:59

They do all sorts of mad and ill-advised things,

0:25:590:26:02

like cutting up their husband's suits or pouring their wine down the drain.

0:26:020:26:06

But...

0:26:060:26:08

I've got some sympathy with that!

0:26:090:26:11

The best wronged wife story I ever heard was,

0:26:110:26:13

she had all of his clothes taken in by an inch and a half.

0:26:130:26:16

Did you hear what The Sun had to say about Chris Huhne

0:26:170:26:20

after the sentence was passed?

0:26:200:26:22

Yes, he fought his way to the top through the massed ranks

0:26:260:26:29

of literally 11 Lib Dem MPs.

0:26:290:26:32

In her e-mails to the Sunday Times journalist Isabel Oakeshott,

0:26:330:26:36

what did Vicky Pryce say Chris Huhne could never get over?

0:26:360:26:40

Not beating Clegg. Is right, yes.

0:26:400:26:42

She said he never got over the fact

0:26:420:26:44

that he was only very marginally defeated by Nick Clegg,

0:26:440:26:47

and it was partly because Clegg is better looking.

0:26:470:26:50

I have to say, I disagree. Chris Huhne...

0:26:500:26:54

Phwoar.

0:26:540:26:56

Cos he's a VERY bad man.

0:26:560:26:59

You'd take his points, wouldn't you?

0:26:590:27:02

I would take his points all day long.

0:27:020:27:04

This is the case of Huhne versus Pryce,

0:27:070:27:09

the chattering classes' answer to The Jeremy Kyle Show.

0:27:090:27:12

Chris Huhne was married to Vicky Pryce for 26 years.

0:27:120:27:15

He now has a bisexual lover,

0:27:150:27:18

and when he leaves prison he's also got Carina Trimingham.

0:27:180:27:21

It was a long way to fall for the former deputy leader

0:27:230:27:25

of a political party to end up in Wandsworth Prison.

0:27:250:27:28

With its fearsome reputation for harassment, molestation

0:27:280:27:31

and sexual predators,

0:27:310:27:33

Huhne will be glad to leave the Lib Dem party behind.

0:27:330:27:37

APPLAUSE

0:27:370:27:39

Fingers on buzzers, here's your next pie.

0:27:390:27:43

BUZZER Here we go, Paul.

0:27:430:27:46

Yes, this is the new Pope.

0:27:460:27:47

We've not had anybody from Latin America before.

0:27:470:27:50

And for the first time in 600 years, there are two Popes in existence.

0:27:500:27:53

This one's very good, he goes everywhere, he travels by bus,

0:27:530:27:56

he doesn't insist on being called the Pope, he's a very humble Pope.

0:27:560:28:00

He travels by bus for free! Yeah.

0:28:000:28:03

If there's two Popes, then presumably he could also give up,

0:28:030:28:05

and then there'd be three Popes. As soon as you've got three Popes, you've got yourself a boy band.

0:28:050:28:09

Exactly!

0:28:090:28:11

Yes, he lived a very frugal life. According to the Telegraph,

0:28:110:28:14

after realising he wouldn't be going back to Argentina...

0:28:140:28:16

Well, you don't want those copies of Kerrang! backing up.

0:28:210:28:24

Like the newsagent wouldn't know he'd become Pope!

0:28:240:28:27

Well, I think they were very pleased in Argentina.

0:28:310:28:34

Here's a woman reacting to the news that he's become Pope.

0:28:340:28:36

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

0:28:360:28:43

And here is the reaction in London.

0:28:430:28:46

It's Cardinal Bergoglio from Buenos Aires.

0:28:460:28:51

ALL: Ah!

0:28:510:28:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:540:28:57

David Lammy, the Labour MP, was furious at the BBC's coverage.

0:29:020:29:06

Do we know why?

0:29:060:29:07

Yes, he believed that if they picked a black Pope,

0:29:070:29:10

we would see black smoke coming out the chimney,

0:29:100:29:12

and if it was white smoke, we'd see a white Pope.

0:29:120:29:15

He didn't understand this thing

0:29:150:29:17

that's been going on for 2,000 years.

0:29:170:29:19

Exactly right, yes. He was annoyed by a BBC News tweet that said...

0:29:190:29:23

And he responded...

0:29:250:29:27

Do we know why the Popes take a different name

0:29:350:29:38

when they are elected?

0:29:380:29:39

To protect the innocent.

0:29:390:29:41

It dates back to 533 AD,

0:29:450:29:47

when the new Pope thought his name, Mercurius, was too Pagan-sounding.

0:29:470:29:53

Although his next choice, Bi-curious,

0:29:530:29:55

caused even more problems.

0:29:550:29:56

As well as a new Pope, we also have a new Archbishop of Canterbury.

0:29:580:30:01

According to The Times, he marked his enthronement by saying...

0:30:010:30:04

Nice to see him reaching out to Catholic priests.

0:30:090:30:11

Time now for the odd one out round. One between you this week.

0:30:140:30:17

Your four are North Korea's military macinations,

0:30:170:30:21

A Landscape Of Lies and...

0:30:210:30:23

Oh, blimey. The pictures are going so fast.

0:30:230:30:26

North Korea's military macinations. Machinations?

0:30:280:30:31

Yes, that's right, thank you.

0:30:310:30:34

I just thought I'd missed the new word, macination.

0:30:340:30:37

You need elocution lessons. I do.

0:30:370:30:39

North Korea's military macinations...

0:30:400:30:43

HE LAUGHS

0:30:430:30:45

North Korea's military machinations. Yeah.

0:30:460:30:49

BELL RINGS

0:30:490:30:51

Hislop, Morning College, Oxford.

0:30:510:30:53

APPLAUSE

0:30:570:30:59

Is it machinations? Mach, like mash. North Korea's military macinations.

0:30:590:31:03

Machinations.

0:31:030:31:05

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:050:31:07

I've got it - what about manoeuvres?

0:31:110:31:13

North Korea's military manoeuvrings,

0:31:150:31:19

A Landscape Of Lies starring Andrea Maclean,

0:31:190:31:22

mourners in Braintree, Essex, and John Lewis' daffodils.

0:31:220:31:27

BELL RINGS Ian. This is to do with faking it.

0:31:270:31:30

Because the North Koreans had a big military exercise

0:31:300:31:34

of amphibious vehicles and released photographs

0:31:340:31:37

of this brilliant, frightening event

0:31:370:31:40

and they'd Photoshopped about half of them in

0:31:400:31:43

to try and make it look better,

0:31:430:31:45

because we're meant to think North Korea's incredibly scary.

0:31:450:31:48

Maybe most of North Korea's arms are made of Lego.

0:31:480:31:51

We shouldn't let on we know. That's the key.

0:31:530:31:55

JOAN: They watch the programme.

0:31:550:31:57

RICHARD: Because they're Photoshopping -

0:31:570:31:59

they've only just got Photoshop in North Korea -

0:31:590:32:01

they are going to think, "It's unbelievable.

0:32:010:32:03

"Looks like this massive army, all these missiles. This'll fool them."

0:32:030:32:06

I'd rather they had Photoshop than soldiers.

0:32:060:32:09

You should be at the Pentagon.

0:32:090:32:12

Who says I'm not, Ian? Exactly.

0:32:120:32:16

So, yeah, what's the odd one out?

0:32:160:32:17

Right, this doesn't look very convincing here

0:32:170:32:20

as a piece of grieving, does it? It looks highly acted.

0:32:200:32:22

Is it actors doing it? Oh, they hired some mourners?

0:32:220:32:26

They're not real mourners? That could well be right.

0:32:260:32:28

So which is the odd one out?

0:32:280:32:29

The John Lewis daffodils are fantastic. They look like daffodils,

0:32:290:32:32

but you don't have to do anything and they don't die.

0:32:320:32:35

Well, because I don't know who she is, or what she's doing,

0:32:350:32:37

I think she must be the odd one out. That's our answer.

0:32:370:32:40

RICHARD: You don't know who Andrea McLean is? JOAN: No.

0:32:400:32:42

I'm on the wrong show.

0:32:420:32:45

She's a Loose... a Loose Woman. Loose Women.

0:32:450:32:47

Well, if you are in the House of Lords, I would expect you to know.

0:32:470:32:50

Because what if it comes up?

0:32:510:32:54

It's not a quiz, the House of Lords.

0:32:540:32:58

Oh, yes, it is. They have debates... Oh, you'd be surprised.

0:32:580:33:01

There was a big issue last week when we were pressing for an amendment.

0:33:010:33:05

We were likely... Labour, with the Lib Dems,

0:33:050:33:07

were likely to defeat the Tories.

0:33:070:33:09

They ran Skyfall in a room upstairs, so the lords were occupied.

0:33:090:33:15

They all came in and were given this film to watch,

0:33:150:33:18

and then when the bell went they all turned out in the lobby and defeated us.

0:33:180:33:21

It is an old people's home, isn't it?

0:33:210:33:24

They are all fake apart from the film A Landscape Of Lies,

0:33:250:33:29

which, unbeknown to its star, Andrea McLean,

0:33:290:33:32

was intended to be a tax dodge never to be made,

0:33:320:33:35

but ended up having to be made to throw the authorities off the scent.

0:33:350:33:39

How did they pull the wool over the taxman's eyes?

0:33:390:33:42

Well, they made a little bit of it. You weren't in it.

0:33:420:33:44

I wasn't in it, no.

0:33:440:33:46

I did go up for it, but...

0:33:460:33:48

No, it's a bit like Argo, if you've seen that film.

0:33:480:33:51

They faked scripts, they forged documents.

0:33:510:33:53

They claimed the film would star Hollywood A-listers

0:33:530:33:56

such as Jeremy Irons and his wife Sinead Cusack.

0:33:560:33:58

North Korea's latest...warmongering.

0:33:580:34:02

Well done.

0:34:020:34:04

Joking aside, North Korea has been threatening an all-out nuclear war.

0:34:040:34:08

Anyone worried about that? No. No, Richard's not worried. Good.

0:34:080:34:12

That somehow makes me feel better. You know what?

0:34:120:34:14

Either it's not going to happen, in which case it's not a story,

0:34:140:34:17

or it is going to happen, in which case this isn't going to go out,

0:34:170:34:20

so... Needn't detain ourselves, need we?

0:34:200:34:23

It's a win-win, almost. Yeah.

0:34:230:34:26

That's the way to look at it.

0:34:260:34:28

Win-win, of course, is North Korea's head of defence.

0:34:280:34:31

Grieving relatives in Braintree in Essex,

0:34:340:34:36

who are worried their loved ones won't attract mourners

0:34:360:34:39

at their funeral can now hire professional fake mourners.

0:34:390:34:42

Do you know why you might need to rent a mourner?

0:34:420:34:44

Well, because you haven't got any friends.

0:34:440:34:46

Yes, that's absolutely right.

0:34:460:34:48

?45 for one mourner for two hours is the going rate.

0:34:480:34:52

What else do they throw in for your ?45?

0:34:520:34:55

Croissants.

0:34:550:34:57

JOAN: Costume. They might well bring their own clothes.

0:34:580:35:01

Right, well, I'm sure, hopefully.

0:35:010:35:03

You don't want naked mourners at your friend's funeral.

0:35:030:35:06

According to the founder, Ian Robertson...

0:35:060:35:09

I love talking

0:35:230:35:24

about people's failures at their funeral, don't you?

0:35:240:35:27

Was it his first time driving a forklift truck?

0:35:270:35:30

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:300:35:33

On the subject of fakery, can anyone tell me

0:35:350:35:38

what the scandal is lurking in this clip?

0:35:380:35:41

Uh, Imelda Staunton and John Cleese would have scored you three points.

0:35:410:35:44

Timothy Spall, John Hurt and Jason Isaacs all would have scored two.

0:35:440:35:47

Richard, 'fess up. What's happening there?

0:35:470:35:49

What have you been doing, Richard? I literally haven't got a clue.

0:35:490:35:52

Are you not reading? Is there nothing on that laptop?

0:35:520:35:55

Oh, that's fakery, is it?

0:35:550:35:56

Yeah, I have a laptop, but it's not on. It's not on.

0:35:560:36:00

It doesn't exist, but, to be fair, people are always shocked.

0:36:000:36:02

I've done 520-odd episodes, I've never looked at it once.

0:36:020:36:05

I thought you were reading stuff out.

0:36:050:36:07

But you were doing it from your head.

0:36:070:36:09

You're trying to look thicker than you are.

0:36:090:36:12

Yeah, you know, it's bloody hard.

0:36:120:36:14

They are all fake apart from the film A Landscape Of Lies,

0:36:180:36:21

which unbeknown to its star Andrea McLean,

0:36:210:36:24

was intended to be a tax dodge never to be made,

0:36:240:36:27

but ended up having to be made to throw the authorities off the scent.

0:36:270:36:30

After Andrea McLean had filmed one scene,

0:36:300:36:32

the former GMTV weather girl said...

0:36:320:36:34

So yet another wildly inaccurate forecast.

0:36:370:36:41

North Korea has been accused of Photoshopping

0:36:410:36:44

an image of their military gearing up for war.

0:36:440:36:46

The photo was released from North Korea's capital Pyongyang.

0:36:460:36:51

Coincidentally, the noise made by the rubber band

0:36:510:36:53

on their nuclear missile launchers.

0:36:530:36:55

Time now for the missing words round,

0:36:550:36:58

which this week features as its guest publication

0:36:580:37:01

Paperweight Collectors Circle.

0:37:010:37:04

You can't miss it in the shops -

0:37:040:37:05

it's always on top of all the other magazines.

0:37:050:37:08

And we start with...

0:37:080:37:10

I think I know this one. Arthur Rubloff's Ass Is Hot.

0:37:130:37:16

Is that in the personal section of Paperweight Circle?

0:37:190:37:24

It's the wrong answer, but don't stop!

0:37:240:37:26

Arthur Rubloff's collection of paperweights is unique.

0:37:270:37:31

Is almost right! I'm going to give you that.

0:37:310:37:34

Next...

0:37:370:37:38

Is it Farmer Using Rock To Press Ham

0:37:420:37:44

Doesn't Understand The Rules Of Rock, Paper, Scissors?

0:37:440:37:46

Discovers It's A Meteorite? Is the right answer. Oh, brilliant.

0:37:480:37:53

And then uses it as a paperweight.

0:38:010:38:05

The Spanish farmer who owns it

0:38:050:38:06

hasn't decided yet what he'll buy with the money.

0:38:060:38:09

Possibly Spain.

0:38:090:38:10

Next...

0:38:140:38:15

Seeks Similar. Must Have Good Sense Of Humour.

0:38:170:38:20

I think I know this one. It's a fashion thing, isn't it?

0:38:210:38:24

So, like, the latest fashion or something, you wear it essentially.

0:38:240:38:27

Yes, is the right answer.

0:38:270:38:28

This is the news that hagfish slime may be the clothes of the future.

0:38:280:38:32

BBC News interviewed hagfish expert Tim Winegard...

0:38:320:38:36

And the good news is, ladies, he's still single.

0:38:420:38:46

Next...

0:38:470:38:48

Wedge. Tee.

0:38:510:38:54

It's not a tricky 12-incher, is it?

0:38:540:38:56

A birdie. An eagle. An eagle!

0:38:590:39:01

That would be a good story. It might be owl.

0:39:010:39:04

He takes an owl in his pants?

0:39:040:39:06

Yeah. RICHARD: A two-week holiday?

0:39:060:39:09

The answer is...

0:39:110:39:12

Next...

0:39:140:39:16

RICHARD: Is it Ian?

0:39:190:39:21

APPLAUSE

0:39:230:39:25

It's not human.

0:39:250:39:27

A flea. A seal.

0:39:270:39:29

A sea lion is the right answer. That was a good guess.

0:39:290:39:32

A Sea Lion Has Rhythm And A Taste For Disco Music.

0:39:320:39:34

Let's watch her.

0:39:340:39:35

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

0:39:350:39:37

Will it do something else? Is that it? That's all she does, yeah.

0:39:420:39:46

That is the third time you've shown that Ed Balls clip now!

0:39:460:39:49

So, the final scores are,

0:39:510:39:53

Richard and Paul have a very creditable seven,

0:39:530:39:55

but this week's winners are Joan and Ian on 11 points.

0:39:550:39:58

APPLAUSE

0:39:580:40:01

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

0:40:090:40:13

Is it Cabinet can finally meet in peace

0:40:130:40:15

as George Osborne enjoys the activity table?

0:40:150:40:18

Osborne finds final nail, searches for coffin?

0:40:230:40:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:260:40:29

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

0:40:340:40:37

and Joan Bakewell, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.

0:40:370:40:40

And I leave you with news that in West London

0:40:400:40:43

a journalist from Hello! Magazine waits to interview Richard Osman

0:40:430:40:46

in his lovely new home.

0:40:460:40:47

Having been found guilty of tax evasion,

0:40:510:40:54

one man learns that his cell will overlook

0:40:540:40:56

the women's prison next door.

0:40:560:40:58

And as presenters gather to mark the closing of TV Centre,

0:41:010:41:05

John Sergeant bravely faces the world after an attack of mumps.

0:41:050:41:08

Goodnight.

0:41:120:41:14

A few words for level? We're filming Pointless at the moment,

0:41:490:41:52

we did one yesterday, and we had a round on famous assassinations.

0:41:520:41:56

The easy question was, "This person was shot in Dallas by Lee Harvey Oswald."

0:41:560:41:59

So we get to the end of the round, the woman goes, "I'll go for the obvious one."

0:41:590:42:03

She goes, "It's JR Ewing."

0:42:030:42:05

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:42:050:42:08

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS