Episode 1 Have I Got Old News For You

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week, recently discovered footage shows

a young Boris Johnson helping his brother perform a magic trick.

As BBC TV Centre finally closes its doors

and iconic shows have to be made elsewhere,

removal men carefully follow instructions

regarding Jools Holland's piano.

In Westminster, George Osborne asks his Treasury team

to stand behind his latest budget.

And in Cyprus, after his meeting

with the finance minister is cancelled,

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls

has two hours to kill before his flight home.

DANCE MUSIC

With Ian tonight is the broadcaster, journalist and Labour peer

whose controversial career in TV once had her deliver

a commentary while a couple had sex in the studio.

Not a report on censorship, just the 1987 Newsnight Christmas party.

Please welcome Joan Bakewell.

APPLAUSE

And on Paul's team tonight is the co-host of TV quiz Pointless,

who says that his role there is to add to

the Brokeback Mountain-style sexual frisson of the show.

Exactly the same reason we got him here tonight.

Please welcome Paul's bitch, Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Joan, take a look at this.

Iain Duncan Smith.

Oh, the poor. The poor!

He knows a lot about them.

And the rich, he's one of them, so that's all right.

He's on familiar territory there.

Here's a man who's taken the wrong path and is sticking to it.

Yes, he's just looking for some ideas.

That was a selection of popular Tories.

Ending with the Chancellor.

He gave a moving speech at Morrisons.

Yes, this is the introduction of significant changes

both to the benefit system and to George Osborne's accent.

Let's start with the benefit changes.

There are lots of benefit changes

and they're all quite complicated, so, Ian?

Well, there's a cap on total benefits you can claim in a year.

That's popular. People don't want to feel that if they work

they're going to make less money than if they were on benefits.

That's one. They've changed the disability living benefit.

There's the supposed bedroom tax, that's quite interesting.

They are important, but the main thrust of them is,

we're all in it together - except the people who aren't.

And they are not in it. They're not even in the spare bedroom.

It's very difficult for a Tory government

comprised of very rich people to deliver a punitive welfare budget.

People do think, "It's all right for you,"

and when you go to Morrisons and put on a fake accent

and say "Briddish" when you mean "British" and "kinda", it's awful.

Can we see a clip?

He's not only trying to look as though he's vaguely middle class,

he's trying to be Tony Blair.

Which is tragic.

Let's have a look. The first clip is how he used to speak.

The second one ain't.

They want to know if we are the change.

Badly wannit fixed.

The British people.

The Briddish people.

Twenty per cent.

Twenny per cent.

Yes, he was trying to sound less posh by saying "Briddish".

Briddish. Instead of British.

And he said "wanna" instead of "want to".

And he said "people like you" instead of "oiks".

APPLAUSE

Why is Morrisons so popular with com... Not comedians!

I thought George Osborne was a comedian for a minute.

Why is Morrisons...

I'll start again. Why is Morrisons so popular with politicians?

Comedians are more popular.

It gives them a chance to tell low-paid workers it's their fault.

Yes.

Morrisons, I don't know what it is with politicians and Morrisons.

Yeah, what is it about politicians and Morrisons?

George Osborne went to the Morrisons distribution centre in Kent

to give a speech.

David Cameron went to the same place in 2010.

Nick Clegg has been to a Morrisons in Norwich

and Ed Miliband was on special offer at a Morrisons.

APPLAUSE

Since Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith

introduced the benefit changes,

what have over 400,000 people asked him to go and do?

Live on ?53 a week.

And is he gonna?

Some of them want him to do it for more than a week.

I imagine even he concedes he could only do it if the house,

the heating, the rates, the tax,

all that was taken care of

and the ?53 was actually for food and snacks and chewing gum and whatever.

That's quite shocking. Do you think he chews gum?

I've suddenly gone off him in a big way.

?53 worth a week of it as well.

Market trader David Bennett told the BBC he'd have to support his family

on ?53 a week, and that's what started the petition off.

How has Iain Duncan Smith defended himself?

He said he was unemployed himself at one point,

and things were so bad, they had to sack the butler.

Yes. That is pretty much it. He was unemployed.

Because he was Tory leader.

It was when he...

He said...

Although he has been given the rent-free use

of a large 16th-century farmhouse on the ancestral estate

of his father-in-law, the Fifth Baron of Cottesloe.

So it hasn't been entirely a struggle.

Brought up on an estate!

What's happened to Iain Duncan Smith twice?

He's been unemployed twice, after he left the Army.

I think he went on the dole, didn't he?

No, he didn't.

He said he didn't claim anything.

He said of losing his job in the early '90s...

Effectively ending his career as a conductor.

He went on...

Fortunately, they were given rent-free use

of that large 16th-century farmhouse.

The overall benefit figure is going up

and it is going to be about 200 billion in a couple of years' time.

So even you lot, when you get in, will have to do something about it.

Do you know where it's going?

At least two thirds of the benefit money goes to older, retired people.

So it's your fault? For being old?

Look, time to strip the pensioners of all those freebies.

For example, we just...

Not at all, good heavens above.

Do you want to hear what they would say in the Home Counties?

We have worked all our lives

and we deserve the reward in our older years.

And they're right. And they're right.

So the fact that you get these for free

and tellies and heating and everything...

I beg your...

Everything, everything for free!

I have a bus pass.

You have a bus pass?!

I have a bus pass.

I climb on the bus with a whole lot of other jolly retired people

and we have a very good time prancing around London...

Spending money and going to champagne and oyster bars.

?53 a week...

Going to the opera.

I think you're mixing up Oyster card with oyster bar.

APPLAUSE

I was really shocked, because this week the Guardian said,

"When are pensioners going to actually pay up?"

Your generation.

There is a hideous attempt to create a war between the young and the old.

RICHARD: That would be awesome.

That would be... That would be awesome.

Are you seeing a TV pilot already?

If I can buy the rights, Joan, let's talk.

There are more of us than there are of the young, of course.

That's what makes it interesting. There's more of you...

But they're quicker!

You've got the buses sewn up.

We've got the bus franchise on our side. Yes, I can see the strategy.

I can see it working quite well. Who would be your leader?

Oh, I can't imagine.

General Bakewell. I can see it now.

I think it's Brucie, isn't it? Brucie would be the leader.

I thought you said, "I think that's Brucie."

Are you talking TV pilot now

or are you talking master of illusion?

I'm not talking TV pilot. I say let's go straight to series.

Yes! Absolutely.

It's not just those on low incomes affected by the cuts.

What's going to happen to those people earning over ?150,000 a year?

They get a tax break.

They get a tax cut.

So that's nice. It's nice to go to the opera, you need tickets.

You're not going to go to many operas on ?53 a week, are you? No.

That doesn't get you very far if you want to see Wagner's Ring

and I understand...

LAUGHTER

The audience has gone lowbrow on you.

The poor souls are getting their income tax cut from 50p to 45p.

In other good news,

the Queen is getting a ?6 million pay rise... Yay!

..and, Joan, you'll get your winter fuel allowance,

so it's all good news.

I tried to send mine back. Did you? I rang them and said,

"I don't need this money. Will you please take it back?"

And they said, "We have no mechanism for retrieving it."

I will take it over if you...

JOAN: Strange you say that, because they set up a charity

to receive the ?200 cheque.

It was the only way to do it.

They've got the warmest offices in London.

But the Queen has got so many spare bedrooms.

All her kids have left home.

Surely she owes us six million in bedroom tax?

Because she's on benefits. She's state-funded.

Finally, what else has been abolished this week

to be replaced by seven new ones?

The class system has been abolished, is that it?

The upper, middle, working, old,

the sociological format they devised back in the 1940s.

There's now seven.

Has anyone taken the test?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Right. Good.

How many of you were elite? SILENCE

Oh, come on!

Just because you lied.

Established middle class?

A FEW CHEERS

That sounded established to me.

Traditional working class?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Rather!

APPLAUSE

Richard, do you socialise with lorry drivers?

That's one of the questions on this BBC... I do.

He's a very good friend of mine, Laurie Drivers.

He works in the City for Deutsche Bank.

It has a different tenor if you ask that question of a woman,

doesn't it, really?

Do you socialise with lorry drivers, Joan? Not often enough.

One of the questions is, "Do you like classical music?"

And if you like classical music,

it tends to move you towards the elite group.

Well, I think that's an outrage!

How patronising to suggest that everybody who likes classical music

belongs to a certain class.

RICHARD: True, though.

I ticked the box that said hip-hop.

I was trying to bring my score down. Did it work?

Did you think you were applying for the NHS's latest operation?

This is the latest round of benefit cuts.

Several politicians have actually tried to experience

life on benefits. According to the Mirror...

Part of the Government's successful

"Get back to work or we'll send Ann Widdecombe round" campaign.

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

Yes. Right, yes.

Sunderland's new right-winger.

Yes, indeed.

That's him not doing the fascist salute. And the funny...

There's John Terry.

So yes, it's the extraordinary story of Sunderland Football Club

getting rid of their manager, and employing the new guy,

Paolo di Canio, who has talked about being a fascist

and been shown giving fascist salutes.

For Newcastle fans, Christmas has come early. They must be astonished.

Shot themselves in the foot.

Or is it hung themselves from the lamppost? They've done something.

Very bad. As well as being a fascist, he's a lunatic.

That's the best thing about him. And you have proof of that?

He just is. He just is! Move along.

I did feel sorry for him in his press conference,

because they kept badgering him.

He looked like he'd had it up to here.

APPLAUSE

But he said, "I'm a fascist.

"I'm not a racist." Which, you know, that's fine, clearly.

Well, John Terry, for example, is not a fascist.

So this press conference, how did Paolo di Canio attempt

to draw a line under his political beliefs?

He rounded everyone up and shipped them out.

What he did was, he said...

I believe him. This might not be a political statement.

It could be just him waving. And this could just be him stretching.

And this could be him doing an impression of Emu.

Anyone know where di Canio is here in this photo?

That's him there. RICHARD: Right in the middle.

Oh, not where is he in the photo, but where...

As we get older, the questions get easier, don't they?

Is this the funeral of a prominent right-winger? It is, yes.

A well-known Italian fascist who was linked to a terrorist attack

in Bologna. And here are Paolo's fellow mourners,

who I think are just giving a nice synchronised goodbye wave.

Paolo di Canio called Mussolini basically a very principled,

ethical individual, not to mention a midfield general,

not afraid to shoot, who could also hang in the air by the post.

But behind all this,

what really matters is the person behind the beliefs.

Is he a nice man to his players? No, he's not great.

No, because he was at Swindon before.

Doesn't garner the same amount of attention.

No, it's a bit like invading Czechoslovakia.

You've got to invade Poland before people take any notice.

APPLAUSE

It's going to make the season exciting, though.

I think it's what the Premiership's been missing - a fascist manager.

No, I think it's been missing an openly fascist manager.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, he likes kicking his players.

PAUL LAUGHS

He says...

Did anyone see the Irish Daily Star's big scoop

on the Di Canio appointment? No, I missed it. It said...

You heard it here first.

And what's all this got to do with David Miliband?

He was the deputy chair and he resigned in protest.

He does happen to be going to New York anyway.

How do we feel about losing a Miliband brother to the States?

Not as good as his brother Ed does.

Yes, now Miliband's resigned as MP, we'll probably never have the chance

to see that old embarrassing photo of him ever again, will we?

David Miliband was, of course, a former colleague of Ed Balls.

Shall we see how Ed's getting on with his keep-fit routine?

DANCE MUSIC

Actually, you've missed something,

because behind him on the right hand side as we look is David Miliband.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the controversial decision

to appoint Paulo Di Canio as the manager of Sunderland.

Most of the footballing world was shocked to hear Paulo Di Canio

say he was a big admirer of Benito Mussolini,

except for Harry Redknapp, who immediately tried to sign him.

Many Sunderland fans were upset at the idea

that their club was managed by a fascist,

saying that they have a proud tradition of welcoming people,

regardless of colour or creed.

Just as long as yer not a BLEEP Geordie!

Sunderland accent right there.

Buying meat products has never been so difficult.

You never know what's inside.

So, now on to Round Two, the Pies of News.

Buzz in when you've identified the news filling.

BELL RINGS

Ian.

LAUGHTER

That's the winner of the Grand National.

This is horsemeat found in products,

including one which is meant to be fish.

Is that right? Not quite, Ian.

Fish is the new thing that's being missold.

According to Mark Drummond from the National Federation of Fish Friers,

it's more of a problem with:

I didn't think this whole horsemeat scandal had affected me at all.

No. But this is the first year when betting on the Grand National has made me feel peckish.

Tesco has taken a lot of flak.

Their Customer Care team didn't help matters. What did they do?

They took out a lot of ads. There were full page ads in the papers.

Tesco are apologising to us all the time.

It's like the power companies this week.

Big ads saying, "We're so sorry we got caught."

Other supermarkets were in the firing line.

Aldi, for instance. One of your favourites, Ian.

No, I'm more of a Lidl man. You're more of a "little" man.

Their beef lasagne, eaten any of that?

Not recently, but apparently, that had a problem with horses in it.

Wasn't that 100% horsemeat?

Yeah, it actually came with a sheepskin noseband.

Yes, a lasagne that's 100% horsemeat.

What, no pasta or cheese?

You don't want to know where that came from!

They tracked it all down to this Romanian abattoir

and the bloke was outraged. He said,

"Of course it's horse. That's what we sell.

"We sell horse. It's really good."

What is the world coming to if you can't trust a Romanian abattoir?

And it's not just horses that are trying to get into lasagne.

I spotted Rebekah Brooks...

..attempting a new career path

by trying to pass herself off as some minced beef.

Yes, it's yet another week for vegetarians to feel smug.

Still, just wait until they find out

how much human saliva goes into making tofu.

Fingers on buzzers. Here's the next pie.

BELL RINGS Yes, Joan.

Well, I was there at the time.

It was Eddie Mair's interview with Boris Johnson

on The Andrew Marr Show.

He drew a conclusion that was pushing interviewing to the very edge.

And we all enjoyed it enormously.

Shall we see how the interview panned out? It started very well.

Boris Johnson, you may now interrupt. Good morning.

Good morning. How are you? Very, very good, thank you.

But then he was asked a question.

The Times let you go after you made up a quote.

Why did you make up a quote?

Well, uh...

This... Again, you know, these are... These are...

These are big terms for... What happened was...

I can tell you the whole thing.

Are you sure our viewers wouldn't want to hear more about...?

If you don't want to talk about a made-up quote...

It was a long and lamentable story.

And from then on, things didn't really improve.

What does that say about you, Boris Johnson?

Are you, in fact, making up quotes, lying to your party leader,

wanting to be a part of someone being physically assaulted -

you're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

Were they chatting afterwards?

No, what happens after that programme

is that you're treated to a BBC breakfast.

Boris was nowhere to be seen. And I think he left.

I think he felt it was discreet to go.

Did you stay? Yes, I did.

Free croissant for pensioners?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And why not?

I suspect you took a couple home in your bag.

So what did Boris say about the interview?

HE BLUSTERS

APPLAUSE

"Is this being recorded?"

No, he was rather surprised

because he was expecting to talk about

how wonderful he was in the documentary, and he got caught out.

He said... He recovered.

Despite not eating the breakfast with Joan, he went away and,

being quite clever at it, he said, "Yes, it's brilliant, the BBC.

"They should really have a go. Why not?

"If the BBC can't call a terrible old Tory nasty,

"then what can they do? Ha ha, hooray for me."

It sort of covered the ground, briefly.

That's exactly right. He said...

Yeah, Boris, you tosser!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not all of Eddie Mair's recent interviews have gone so well.

Here he is, having a casual chat with Sinead O'Connor.

Every interview I see of you drags up all of your past.

Yes, let's not. You're forced to go through all of that.

Tell me how things are now. Good, really good.

I'm great, I'm wonderful. I'm fantastic. I'm the greatest.

Are you trying to convince me or yourself?

Nobody, I'm just making idle conversation. Of course.

Until you ask me something interesting.

Well, look, what are we going to hear?

Uh, you mean musically? Yes? Musically?

Brilliant, yeah. We'll hear that.

Well, that was the greatest interview I've ever done!

This is Boris Johnson's bicycle crash of an interview

with Eddie Mair.

Boris Johnson's father Stanley Johnson was disgusted by the interview and claimed...

Obviously he's not been following Operation Yewtree.

Referring to his dismissal as a journalist from The Times,

Eddie Mair asked Boris...

To which Boris replied...

We may have made that quote up.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

We've got a new lawyer, have we? Yes. Well done!

BELL RINGS Yes, Ian?

It's the Huhnes. And they've gone to jail.

She took his points for driving, and that was many years ago.

And then when he left her for his mistress,

she remembered that he'd broken the law.

And she was overcome by a great sense of citizenship.

And went to tell the police, who prosecuted him

and then prosecuted her, too.

And here he is, stood outside the court.

Some of these lenses aren't very efficient!

I think it's a great will-they-won't-they story.

Imagine when they get out, imagine if they get back together!

"You're going too fast for me, this is all so sudden!"

I have quite a lot of sympathy for her, because he was a rat.

But I think you'll find a lot of women feel absolutely outraged

by what has happened to them.

They do all sorts of mad and ill-advised things,

like cutting up their husband's suits or pouring their wine down the drain.

But...

I've got some sympathy with that!

The best wronged wife story I ever heard was,

she had all of his clothes taken in by an inch and a half.

Did you hear what The Sun had to say about Chris Huhne

after the sentence was passed?

Yes, he fought his way to the top through the massed ranks

of literally 11 Lib Dem MPs.

In her e-mails to the Sunday Times journalist Isabel Oakeshott,

what did Vicky Pryce say Chris Huhne could never get over?

Not beating Clegg. Is right, yes.

She said he never got over the fact

that he was only very marginally defeated by Nick Clegg,

and it was partly because Clegg is better looking.

I have to say, I disagree. Chris Huhne...

Phwoar.

Cos he's a VERY bad man.

You'd take his points, wouldn't you?

I would take his points all day long.

This is the case of Huhne versus Pryce,

the chattering classes' answer to The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Chris Huhne was married to Vicky Pryce for 26 years.

He now has a bisexual lover,

and when he leaves prison he's also got Carina Trimingham.

It was a long way to fall for the former deputy leader

of a political party to end up in Wandsworth Prison.

With its fearsome reputation for harassment, molestation

and sexual predators,

Huhne will be glad to leave the Lib Dem party behind.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers, here's your next pie.

BUZZER Here we go, Paul.

Yes, this is the new Pope.

We've not had anybody from Latin America before.

And for the first time in 600 years, there are two Popes in existence.

This one's very good, he goes everywhere, he travels by bus,

he doesn't insist on being called the Pope, he's a very humble Pope.

He travels by bus for free! Yeah.

If there's two Popes, then presumably he could also give up,

and then there'd be three Popes. As soon as you've got three Popes, you've got yourself a boy band.

Exactly!

Yes, he lived a very frugal life. According to the Telegraph,

after realising he wouldn't be going back to Argentina...

Well, you don't want those copies of Kerrang! backing up.

Like the newsagent wouldn't know he'd become Pope!

Well, I think they were very pleased in Argentina.

Here's a woman reacting to the news that he's become Pope.

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

And here is the reaction in London.

It's Cardinal Bergoglio from Buenos Aires.

ALL: Ah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

David Lammy, the Labour MP, was furious at the BBC's coverage.

Do we know why?

Yes, he believed that if they picked a black Pope,

we would see black smoke coming out the chimney,

and if it was white smoke, we'd see a white Pope.

He didn't understand this thing

that's been going on for 2,000 years.

Exactly right, yes. He was annoyed by a BBC News tweet that said...

And he responded...

Do we know why the Popes take a different name

when they are elected?

To protect the innocent.

It dates back to 533 AD,

when the new Pope thought his name, Mercurius, was too Pagan-sounding.

Although his next choice, Bi-curious,

caused even more problems.

As well as a new Pope, we also have a new Archbishop of Canterbury.

According to The Times, he marked his enthronement by saying...

Nice to see him reaching out to Catholic priests.

Time now for the odd one out round. One between you this week.

Your four are North Korea's military macinations,

A Landscape Of Lies and...

Oh, blimey. The pictures are going so fast.

North Korea's military macinations. Machinations?

Yes, that's right, thank you.

I just thought I'd missed the new word, macination.

You need elocution lessons. I do.

North Korea's military macinations...

HE LAUGHS

North Korea's military machinations. Yeah.

BELL RINGS

Hislop, Morning College, Oxford.

APPLAUSE

Is it machinations? Mach, like mash. North Korea's military macinations.

Machinations.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got it - what about manoeuvres?

North Korea's military manoeuvrings,

A Landscape Of Lies starring Andrea Maclean,

mourners in Braintree, Essex, and John Lewis' daffodils.

BELL RINGS Ian. This is to do with faking it.

Because the North Koreans had a big military exercise

of amphibious vehicles and released photographs

of this brilliant, frightening event

and they'd Photoshopped about half of them in

to try and make it look better,

because we're meant to think North Korea's incredibly scary.

Maybe most of North Korea's arms are made of Lego.

We shouldn't let on we know. That's the key.

JOAN: They watch the programme.

RICHARD: Because they're Photoshopping -

they've only just got Photoshop in North Korea -

they are going to think, "It's unbelievable.

"Looks like this massive army, all these missiles. This'll fool them."

I'd rather they had Photoshop than soldiers.

You should be at the Pentagon.

Who says I'm not, Ian? Exactly.

So, yeah, what's the odd one out?

Right, this doesn't look very convincing here

as a piece of grieving, does it? It looks highly acted.

Is it actors doing it? Oh, they hired some mourners?

They're not real mourners? That could well be right.

So which is the odd one out?

The John Lewis daffodils are fantastic. They look like daffodils,

but you don't have to do anything and they don't die.

Well, because I don't know who she is, or what she's doing,

I think she must be the odd one out. That's our answer.

RICHARD: You don't know who Andrea McLean is? JOAN: No.

I'm on the wrong show.

She's a Loose... a Loose Woman. Loose Women.

Well, if you are in the House of Lords, I would expect you to know.

Because what if it comes up?

It's not a quiz, the House of Lords.

Oh, yes, it is. They have debates... Oh, you'd be surprised.

There was a big issue last week when we were pressing for an amendment.

We were likely... Labour, with the Lib Dems,

were likely to defeat the Tories.

They ran Skyfall in a room upstairs, so the lords were occupied.

They all came in and were given this film to watch,

and then when the bell went they all turned out in the lobby and defeated us.

It is an old people's home, isn't it?

They are all fake apart from the film A Landscape Of Lies,

which, unbeknown to its star, Andrea McLean,

was intended to be a tax dodge never to be made,

but ended up having to be made to throw the authorities off the scent.

How did they pull the wool over the taxman's eyes?

Well, they made a little bit of it. You weren't in it.

I wasn't in it, no.

I did go up for it, but...

No, it's a bit like Argo, if you've seen that film.

They faked scripts, they forged documents.

They claimed the film would star Hollywood A-listers

such as Jeremy Irons and his wife Sinead Cusack.

North Korea's latest...warmongering.

Well done.

Joking aside, North Korea has been threatening an all-out nuclear war.

Anyone worried about that? No. No, Richard's not worried. Good.

That somehow makes me feel better. You know what?

Either it's not going to happen, in which case it's not a story,

or it is going to happen, in which case this isn't going to go out,

so... Needn't detain ourselves, need we?

It's a win-win, almost. Yeah.

That's the way to look at it.

Win-win, of course, is North Korea's head of defence.

Grieving relatives in Braintree in Essex,

who are worried their loved ones won't attract mourners

at their funeral can now hire professional fake mourners.

Do you know why you might need to rent a mourner?

Well, because you haven't got any friends.

Yes, that's absolutely right.

?45 for one mourner for two hours is the going rate.

What else do they throw in for your ?45?

Croissants.

JOAN: Costume. They might well bring their own clothes.

Right, well, I'm sure, hopefully.

You don't want naked mourners at your friend's funeral.

According to the founder, Ian Robertson...

I love talking

about people's failures at their funeral, don't you?

Was it his first time driving a forklift truck?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On the subject of fakery, can anyone tell me

what the scandal is lurking in this clip?

Uh, Imelda Staunton and John Cleese would have scored you three points.

Timothy Spall, John Hurt and Jason Isaacs all would have scored two.

Richard, 'fess up. What's happening there?

What have you been doing, Richard? I literally haven't got a clue.

Are you not reading? Is there nothing on that laptop?

Oh, that's fakery, is it?

Yeah, I have a laptop, but it's not on. It's not on.

It doesn't exist, but, to be fair, people are always shocked.

I've done 520-odd episodes, I've never looked at it once.

I thought you were reading stuff out.

But you were doing it from your head.

You're trying to look thicker than you are.

Yeah, you know, it's bloody hard.

They are all fake apart from the film A Landscape Of Lies,

which unbeknown to its star Andrea McLean,

was intended to be a tax dodge never to be made,

but ended up having to be made to throw the authorities off the scent.

After Andrea McLean had filmed one scene,

the former GMTV weather girl said...

So yet another wildly inaccurate forecast.

North Korea has been accused of Photoshopping

an image of their military gearing up for war.

The photo was released from North Korea's capital Pyongyang.

Coincidentally, the noise made by the rubber band

on their nuclear missile launchers.

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Paperweight Collectors Circle.

You can't miss it in the shops -

it's always on top of all the other magazines.

And we start with...

I think I know this one. Arthur Rubloff's Ass Is Hot.

Is that in the personal section of Paperweight Circle?

It's the wrong answer, but don't stop!

Arthur Rubloff's collection of paperweights is unique.

Is almost right! I'm going to give you that.

Next...

Is it Farmer Using Rock To Press Ham

Doesn't Understand The Rules Of Rock, Paper, Scissors?

Discovers It's A Meteorite? Is the right answer. Oh, brilliant.

And then uses it as a paperweight.

The Spanish farmer who owns it

hasn't decided yet what he'll buy with the money.

Possibly Spain.

Next...

Seeks Similar. Must Have Good Sense Of Humour.

I think I know this one. It's a fashion thing, isn't it?

So, like, the latest fashion or something, you wear it essentially.

Yes, is the right answer.

This is the news that hagfish slime may be the clothes of the future.

BBC News interviewed hagfish expert Tim Winegard...

And the good news is, ladies, he's still single.

Next...

Wedge. Tee.

It's not a tricky 12-incher, is it?

A birdie. An eagle. An eagle!

That would be a good story. It might be owl.

He takes an owl in his pants?

Yeah. RICHARD: A two-week holiday?

The answer is...

Next...

RICHARD: Is it Ian?

APPLAUSE

It's not human.

A flea. A seal.

A sea lion is the right answer. That was a good guess.

A Sea Lion Has Rhythm And A Taste For Disco Music.

Let's watch her.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Will it do something else? Is that it? That's all she does, yeah.

That is the third time you've shown that Ed Balls clip now!

So, the final scores are,

Richard and Paul have a very creditable seven,

but this week's winners are Joan and Ian on 11 points.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

Is it Cabinet can finally meet in peace

as George Osborne enjoys the activity table?

Osborne finds final nail, searches for coffin?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Joan Bakewell, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.

And I leave you with news that in West London

a journalist from Hello! Magazine waits to interview Richard Osman

in his lovely new home.

Having been found guilty of tax evasion,

one man learns that his cell will overlook

the women's prison next door.

And as presenters gather to mark the closing of TV Centre,

John Sergeant bravely faces the world after an attack of mumps.

Goodnight.

A few words for level? We're filming Pointless at the moment,

we did one yesterday, and we had a round on famous assassinations.

The easy question was, "This person was shot in Dallas by Lee Harvey Oswald."

So we get to the end of the round, the woman goes, "I'll go for the obvious one."

She goes, "It's JR Ewing."

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd