Episode 10 Have I Got Old News For You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.

In the news this week - after receiving his knighthood

in the morning then heading straight to the park to take his son

for his very first bike ride, it's a proud day for Bradley Wiggins.

-PAUL:

-Oh, here we go, here we go.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

At a football match in Southend

there's joy for an Asian betting syndicate

as the 1,000-1 event they predicted happens right on cue.

And after the success of speedy boarding, easyJet pioneer

new methods of getting people off the plane even quicker.

# Everybody needs a Green Flag holiday... #

On Ian's team tonight is a comedy writer and actress

who has recently complained that

"Every single element of a BBC programme is commented on

"by six separate executives." And so, by a vote of four to two,

-please welcome Jennifer Saunders.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is one of Britain's best-loved actors

who famously voiced The Wombles,

just about the only children's favourite from television

of the 1970s not to be implicated in Operation Yewtree.

-Please welcome Bernard Cribbins.

-Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Bernard, take a look at this.

OK, yes, this is the event in South Africa, heavily rained on,

which I think is meant to be a sign of good luck.

There's a man on his own.

And there is a man that's flirting

with somebody who his wife's not pleased with. And that's...

Oh, yes. This is the man who...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

He's the interpreter who was trying to sign for deaf people

and was just making it up completely.

Nobody had any idea what he was saying

and his defence seems to be, "Well, the thing is I'm a schizophrenic."

-I thought he was swatting flies most of the time.

-Yeah.

But he's offended everyone now. He's offended the schizophrenics.

They said, "You're not schizophrenic, are you?

"Cos you've done this before."

People have complained before about this man.

He said he heard voices in his head

but he couldn't translate what they were saying.

And he wasn't having any fun.

He was just sort of making it up, doing this, whatever,

and those speeches would have been great. You know, Mugabe's...

I mean, he could have had a real laugh.

But it wasn't his first time.

We've got a clip of him here in action in 2012.

HE SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

That made perfect sense to me.

I think he was just announcing the sale at Leatherland.

Again, and that's the South African President, Zuma.

And there's only one gesture for him, which is...

But the funny signing man wasn't the only sign of a lowering of tone

-was it?

-JENNIFER: The Barack Obama selfie

with the Danish Prime Minister and...

Cameron leaning in for an outrageous selfie.

-Big grins.

-Big grins. Apart from the wife.

Michelle, yeah, she doesn't look happy there, does she?

Well, you'd think being, you know, leaders of the free world,

they might have thought that there's some other cameras.

You don't need to take a picture of yourself at a funeral.

There are about eight billion other people. You can get a copy.

They'll probably send one.

-Look - bunch of teenagers.

-I know.

"Oh, look, there's a blonde prime minister!"

Put it on Facebook.

She's on Borgen!

She's meant to be the most beautiful prime minster in the world.

Let me put my glasses on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That can't be right!

Yeah, apparently so. And she's married to Neil Kinnock's son.

-Justice!

-Is that true?

-I haven't made this up.

-No, it is true, yeah.

It's a lot interesting than Borgen, I tell you.

"Hello, the Freedom party is having a coalition

"with the Liberals, oh, no!"

And a lot of people said there is no respect any more.

This is Nelson Mandela's memorial service

and you're just taking pictures of yourself like a bunch of teenagers.

I think Mrs Obama's got a cigar in her hand as well, hasn't she?

Is she smoking a cigar?

JENIFER: Put your glasses on, Bernard. Put your glasses on.

Hang on a minute.

She got it from Clinton.

Don't light it, love.

What did she do about the whole sorry affair, Michelle Obama?

She made the most powerful man in the world feel a little bit...

bit glum.

She shouted at him.

When he got up to do his speech,

she took his place next to the Danish Prime Minister.

BERNARD: Oh, look!

JENNIFER: Oh, look!

-That's very good.

-And Cameron's changed as well, hasn't he?

Does anybody know who else Obama cosied up to?

Yes, the Cuban Prime Minster - or President, rather.

-Castro.

-Castro, yeah.

-Castro.

It was a historic moment, or it should have been

but he was a bit busy doing a selfie with the blonde.

-So the world didn't really notice.

-It was an historic moment.

This is how Sky covered it.

Something to look forward to.

So it was just more than a handshake at the end, wasn't it?

-Naomi Campbell was there.

-Yes.

Maybe hoping to pick up some blood diamonds.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Who was cheered to the rafters?

Mugabe.

That wasn't who I meant but he did get a cheer, didn't he?

Tutu was cheered. Who else?

It's Ban Ki-moon! We'll show the clip because it's a sort of

Have I Got News For You Christmas tradition anyway.

# I'm making a list

# Checking it twice

# Going to find out who's...

# Going to find out who's...

# Naughty or nice

# Ban Ki-moon is coming to town. #

APPLAUSE

Oh, Ban Ki-moon! It would be funny if he suddenly turned up

on EastEnders as one of the Moons.

Did you hear any of the tributes that our House of Commons played?

Yes, there was a whole day of them.

Could have been done fairly quickly and elegantly, rather than

a whole day of people saying, "Yeah, I nearly met him."

"My wife's friend met him."

"And he influenced me - me, cos I'm really great..."

Gordon Brown I think said he taught him courage. "Me, courage. Courage."

It's a lot of people talking about

-themselves under the cover of the dead person.

-Yes.

I went to a funeral once.

Someone was giving a eulogy and a man said,

"Is he going to mention the dead bloke at all?"

Nick Clegg gave a very moving tribute. He said...

What a lovely story.

Whilst these solemn tributes were going on,

David Cameron nipped out to do something more important -

have his picture taken with Ant and Dec.

APPLAUSE

So this is the memorial service for Nelson Mandela.

Veteran ANC leader Cyril Ramaphosa told the crowd...

Probably?!

Bloody hell. If he's having trouble...

Barack Obama was trembling with emotion as he made

one of the most important speeches of his life.

"It is important to remember it was only a photo, Michelle,

"she means nothing to me."

According to the Guardian...

Early squabbling over the inheritance there.

Archbishop Tutu called for silence saying...

A silence broken only by John Major muttering,

-HE IMITATES JOHN MAJOR:

-Actually, you can only hear a pin land.

Ian and Jennifer, take a look at this.

Right.

-Mm.

-That's our world statesman.

Ooh, spooky. Like a waxwork.

Oh, there's his good side. There's his other good side.

-Money.

-Money.

-Money, pay rise.

11%, that's all I know about it.

In order to avoid any further trouble,

Parliament set up an independent body

that would come up with the pay rise.

-Have they, have they?

-Yeah.

-Have they?

-They haven't avoided trouble, you see?

-Oh.

Cos they've said 11% and the public has said,

"That's 11 times more than we're getting."

Then all the party leaders obviously are panicking.

They're going, "We don't want this. How on Earth has this happened?"

Course they want it. Everyone wants a pay rise,

but they have to pretend they don't want it now, which is harder.

Yes, 11%, which is an extra £7,600 a year.

But their defence is that if you don't give us this pay rise,

we won't have enough money and we'll have to fiddle our expenses.

-It's a very good defence.

-Yeah.

So you really must give us more money

or we'll be incredibly greedy and dishonest.

Danny Alexander called it...

Whilst according to the male Tory Charles Walker...

-The male Tory?

-The male Tory?

-Yes.

-What other type is there?

I didn't see that cheeky little comma hiding in there.

BERNARD: You've only got one, have you?

Whilst according to the Mail...

Tory Charles Walker...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Nice to hear them again.

The MP for Broxbourne said...

Adding...

No, it won't.

HE MOUTHS

The 11% rise for MPs will be funded from reductions elsewhere.

They're going to clamp down on a few things.

-Do we know?

-Their pensions.

-Their expenses.

-Mm.

Each horse in the Household Cavalry will lose at least one leg.

And tea and biscuits.

This will save somewhere in the region of £1 billion.

The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority,

in a recent survey, asked MPs how much they think they should be paid.

-Did you hear what that revealed?

-A lot.

-Quite interesting, actually.

Well, Labour were nearest. They said that members should be paid £77,000.

-Greedy Lib Dems...

-Greedy ones.

..wanted £78,000,

whilst the Tories plumped for £97,000.

-Surprise, surprise.

-How close can we get to 100 without appearing greedy?

97.

Balls came under pressure this week. Can anybody tell us about that?

-No.

-Ed Balls.

-Thank you.

-The debate on the Autumn Statement.

-Yeah, he didn't do very well.

There appears to be a recovery, which is very bad news

if you've been saying for years there never will be.

But he had a real problem and everyone shouted at him.

And he was very cross.

He went redder and redder in the face, and then he exploded.

Did he explode? I missed that, the explosion.

-Have we got that on film?

-Yeah.

-No, cos you're not allowed to show...

You're not allowed to show a man explode in the House of Commons?

-Oh, come on.

-Anyway, he reacted in a very calm and statesman-like way.

He said, "I don't give a toss what you think."

For a man name Balls, he handles himself very badly.

-Do we know what he got up to at the weekend?

-He was playing the piano.

That's right, at a celebrity piano concert.

He sneaked in when the celebrities weren't looking.

What, do you have to play a celebrity as if they were a piano?

BERNARD: That could be fun. I shall volunteer.

After the disaster at last year's French horn concert...

-I was hoping he'd play something like...

-Yeah, Schumann.

..Great Balls Of Fire or something.

He didn't. He played...

He played a piece for children.

Which was sweet and it showed his softer side.

Has he learned to take the lid up yet?

You've got to be really good to play through the lid.

You've got to have really strong fingers. The best can do it.

Oscar Peterson never lifted the lid up once in his life.

Play it through the lid.

He told the Telegraph...

..when he'd finished.

So this week, David Cameron got into trouble. Do you know what for?

-Is this the Nigella question?

-Oh, yes.

He said that he was a great fan of Nigella's recipes,

particularly the ones involving white powder up your nose.

He said, "I'm Team Nigella." And the judge said,

"Can you not make those sort of remarks, Prime Minister?

"It's not very helpful."

It'd be like me saying I'm Team Rebekah.

But I wouldn't do that.

-You want to spend Christmas at home, don't you?

-I do.

Now the festive season is upon us,

and all the party leaders have personal Christmas cards.

They were in the papers this week. Let's have a look at them.

This is Ed Miliband's card.

JENNIFER: Oh, Lord.

-No, it isn't.

-Oh, dear.

That's the Boden catalogue.

I ordered that jumper. It's rubbish.

It's sad when parents wish their children

were two-inches taller than they actually are. Sad, isn't it?

Here's David Cameron's card.

Mm.

Oh, stop it.

Just screams Christmas, doesn't it?

But it's black and white to show which era

we're heading back to.

This is the card sent out by Nick And Miriam Clegg.

Finally, nothing says Christmas like

the personalised card of a washed up ex-Ukip MEP.

So, let's have a look at Godfrey Bloom's Christmas card.

Do you know who came up with the idea for the card?

-Was it Santa?

-Mrs Bloom.

He told the Daily Star...

It is Christmas.

Better now than never.

They won't expect it.

This is the MP's proposed 11% pay rise.

According to a spokesman for Nick Clegg...

As it's not coming in till after the next election,

it's a pretty safe bet.

According to a survey of European MPs,

the country that pays politicians the least is Poland.

Although many Polish MPs have extra jobs and second homes...here.

And so to Round Two, The Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.

BUZZER

-This is monkeys stealing things.

-Baboons.

They managed to open a window, get in and wreck the place.

JENNIFER: Whereabouts is this?

-It's...

-Wigan.

Wigan.

If the picture were lower down we could see

what they were actually stealing. I can't remember but it was like

a television or a blanket or something.

-Let's have a look. There's other pictures.

-A sofa.

-It's a teddy.

-They kidnapped Pudsey.

Children In Need won't have him next year.

They got some linen.

And some more linen.

-Look at that one just stuck on the wall.

-Exactly.

Can I have one for Christmas, please?

-What, a thieving baboon?

-Yes.

Think of all the presents you'd get.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

They're very scary. When I went to Cape Town,

a big one got in our car.

So we jumped out and we couldn't get back in the car.

Just sitting in the driver's seat messing around for ages.

How did it get in the car in the first place?

I left the door open.

This is the news that a gang of baboons have been

photographed burgling an apartment block in Cape Town.

Of course, the good thing about baboon burglars is

they may shit on your carpet

but at least they throw it out of the window afterwards.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is the corruption in football.

There's so many ways of betting on a football match now.

It's not just about goals.

So players are being bribed to suit syndicates out in Singapore

and places like that.

Ex-Premier League star Sam Sodje.

Sodje.

Scottish?

He was filmed by an undercover investigator

claiming he could arrange for players to be booked or sent off

in exchange for cash.

He himself claims to have received £70,000

for getting sent off

but he found it difficult, do you know why?

-Oh, because the referee didn't see him.

-That's right.

He did it behind the referee's back.

He punched a player twice in the groin...

..to get a red card. He said...

We should point out that they deny all the allegations.

-Is it serious?

-It is quite serious.

-Does it matter?

It's like cricket. You know about cricket and fixing.

It's the same. You don't want your cricket matches fixed.

Well, I wouldn't mind at the moment.

Obviously now you'd be quite happy.

On the subject of physical fitness,

does anybody know what this man is doing?

Is it the Vivienne Westwood Winter Collection?

This is Zhang Fuxing, I'm sure I've pronounced that correctly.

This man thinks that by attaching 31-stone weights

to each foot every day,

and walking 15 metres,

he can cure back pain and haemorrhoids.

It would certainly give you something else to think about, wouldn't it?

Do you want to see him using his invention.

I can see why he's got back problems.

He's going to give himself a bad front.

He's definitely going to miss the bus.

This is the football match-fixing scandal.

There was a very suspicious match

played by Billericay Town last year.

A spokesman denied that the club engaged in match fixing

and urged the players to focus on next Saturday's

3-1 victory over Maidstone.

Now it's time for the Odd One Out Round.

Paul and Bernard, Antigone,

Samuel Pepys,

Bernard Cribbins

and some Franciscan monks in Leicester.

Antigone, I don't know anything about that.

I did the play once.

Something to do with your career, Bernard.

Story-telling?

We know it.

It's to do with holes and burying.

Because Hole In The Ground...

Bernard did a song called Hole In The Ground.

How did it go?

# There I was digging this hole

# Hole in the ground

# So big and so round... #

It was Noel Coward's favourite when he did Desert Island Discs.

And he said "If he could only have one record, Mr Coward,

"which would you take?"

He said, "I'd take Mr Cribbins doing Hole In The Ground." Why?

"I could translate it into French as I walked up and down the beach."

It's about burying because Antigone was trying to bury her brother

and her uncle wouldn't let her.

The Leicester one must be the Richard III burial.

They want to bury him or they did bury him.

What we're looking for is an odd one out.

They all put stuff in a hole in the ground

apart from Bernard, who just sang about it.

I actually put a man in there at the end.

There's a clue.

It wasn't a man, it was cheese.

Yes.

They all buried someone apart from Pepys who buried his cheese

and that's not a euphemism.

-Right Said Fred.

-Right Said Fred, that finished with somebody

getting squashed, as well.

Any hits not involving fatalities?

No, a couple of hymns...

In Greek mythology, Antigone buried her dead brother

-and how does the story end, Ian?

-Badly.

It's a Greek tragedy, everyone dies.

-So, Antigone was sentenced to death to be buried alive.

-Yeah, not good.

-So she hung herself.

-Yeah, and then Bernard did a really funny song

about it.

# Stop hanging about, Antigone

# Your making a mess on the floor...#

# We just cleaned up last Saturday

# We don't want to do it no more...#

All together now.

APPLAUSE

They've all buried someone, apart from Samuel Pepys,

who buried his cheese to save it from the Great Fire of London.

The monks who buried Richard III wore grey garments

and were hence known as the Greyfriars.

Just as those who wore black garments were known as the Blackfriars.

And the profound thinkers who ate a lot, the deep fat friars.

Ian and Jennifer, here are yours.

Bus spotters, Tory MPs, Greg Dyke and Captain Cook.

Greg Dyke has only been in the news for making a strange cut-throat

gesture when the draw for the World Cup happened.

What does that mean?

It means no chance.

He said it was just banter, It was just a little bit of banter.

Captain Cook, he died after making gestures to his men.

He was killed when he went to Hawaii.

-Tories in the Commons.

-Do they make gestures to the opposition?

-Is it gestures?

-It is gestures, yes.

I'm not going to tell you what about the gestures.

So, the odd one out is the bus spotters.

-Cos people make gestures at them.

-Yes.

Get out the way.

You're absolutely right.

They've all got in trouble for a hand gesture.

Apart from bus spotters who say their hobby is being ruined

by rude hand gestures...

From other people.

According to Harry Blakeway and Martin Anderson, too many

of the 250,000-plus photos they have taken of buses around the country

feature bus drivers doing this...

One more on top.

Why are the bus drivers so angry about the bus spotters?

Cos they've been spotted. Cos they're all signing on probably.

OK, so Greg Dyke...what did England boss Roy Hodgson think

of Dyke's reaction?

He said he didn't see it

but there's a photograph that looked as if he did.

Here's an artist's impression,

we're not allowed to show the actual picture.

-Tory MPs?

-Gesturing to women.

Going, "Ooh, hello. Hello, love...get 'em out!"

Erm, yeah, pretty much. Recently elected Labour MP for Rotherham,

Sarah Champion, complained about Tory MPs making lewd hand gestures.

Members of the public regularly write in to complain about how

all MPs behave. According to the Mail, one message sent in

November said...

Kind of Her Majesty to find the time to write in.

APPLAUSE

So, it's time now for the missing words round.

Which this week features as its guest publication,

Meat Goat Monthly.

The magazine of the meat goat industry.

When I heard about Meat Goat Monthly, I thought, finally

someone's making it easier for busy professionals to meet goats.

Also available online,

though their website does attract a lot of trolls.

We start with Mary Berry.

Have a soggy bottom.

Burnt my baps...I don't know.

I killed seven men in cold blood.

-I hit children.

-Oh, yes, with a spoon.

-With a butter patter, yes.

Mary Berry claimed on Piers Morgan's chat show that sometimes

a slap on the legs can help. Or in Piers Morgan's case,

a punch in the throat will suffice.

Next...

Have no problem hiring Mary Berry as an assassin.

-Have no problem eating a whole goat for breakfast.

-Yeah, exactly.

Next...

Jehovah's Witnesses.

Can I talk to you about Jesus?

That's parrots.

I can't do a cockerel, bloody hell.

You're lucky it was some sort of bird.

-Let's see it.

-Here's Batman.

Of course they don't make chicken film stars like they used to.

Hen-ry Fonda... There's more.

Gregory Peck's got to be in there somewhere.

..and Gwyneth Poultry.

So, look at this, the final score, just before Christmas,

are Ian and Jennifer have nine, and Paul and Bernard have five.

APPLAUSE

But, before we all hang our stockings up,

there's just time for the caption competition.

JENNIFER: It's a beaver on a laptop.

Could it be logging on?

And I leave you with news that in South Africa, there's evidence that

the official in charge of booking the deaf

signer for Nelson Mandela's memorial has been relieved of his duties.

20 years after construction began, Madame Tussauds finally

complete their waxwork of Sting and his wife, Trudie.

And, in central London, a man decides to Google

himself to find out what people think about him.

Good night.