Episode 2 Have I Got Old News For You

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week...

As Labour threatens to end non-dom status,

Roman Abramovich tries to make a quick getaway with all of his money.

After an all-night campaign meeting in the Dog and Duck,

Nigel Farage wakes up and tells his PA to cancel all of his meetings.

APPLAUSE

And in a rabbit hutch in Hatton Garden,

footage emerges of another daring heist.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

who says many panel shows are unnecessarily competitive.

Wrong answer, so you lose a point for that. What a dreadful start.

Please welcome Alun Cochrane.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a Labour politician

who, for ten years, was Deputy Prime Minister.

To put that in perspective, it meant even less then than it does now.

Please welcome Baron Prescott of Kingston upon Hull.

APPLAUSE

We start with the big story of the week.

-Paul and John, take a look at this.

-Mm, yes.

OK, this is Ed Miliband making his famous silent speech. This is...

Oh, this is the Greens' Natalie Bennett, I think that's her name.

Yes, and Nigel Farage. Ice cream and all this sort of stuff.

The leaders, everybody but Nick Clegg and David Cameron,

are debating on Thursday night

and people were absolutely amazed when they woke up Friday morning

and saw what had happened - just have a look.

APPLAUSE

-Did you watch the debate last night?

-Yes, I did. It was great... No.

You caught me out mid-lie. No, I didn't see it, no. Was it good?

So, am I the only one who could bear to watch?

Yes.

-Well, it was great.

-What was your favourite bit, Ian?

The bit at the beginning when you realised Cameron hadn't turned up.

That was very good. And then Clegg hadn't come either.

So, it meant that everyone attacked Ed Miliband.

He'd managed to get a platform where all the other people could say,

"You're useless," and he couldn't say, "It's the Tories' fault,"

cos they weren't there.

So, it was a slightly unbalanced debate.

What do you think about David Dimbleby's frank confession at the end?

-I mean, did you guess?

-Ill-advised.

-Ill-advised, yeah.

I agree.

Even though we didn't see all of the debate,

let's have a look at the highlights.

There seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel,

and amongst this audience, which is a remarkable audience,

even by... MURMURING

..even by the left-wing standards of the BBC,

-I mean, this lot's pretty left-wing.

-Hang on a second.

Very interesting, that when you talk about...

Nigel, let me just say one thing.

This is an audience that has been carefully chosen not by the BBC...

not by the BBC, but by an independent polling organisation

to represent the balance between all parties.

-Very good.

-And so...

Very good. Very good.

It's a very good tactic. Attack your audience.

Was it a wise move to pick a fight with David Dimbleby?

And the BBC, and the BBC audience. He's been a bit rattled, hasn't he?

12 months ago, he was this sort of man

that was going to remake English politics and all this sort of stuff,

and now he's just some bloke moaning that everybody's against him.

Who would you rather have a fight with, John - David Dimbleby or Jeremy Paxman?

-Glass jaw, Dimbleby.

-No, I think that...

He'd go straight down.

Paxman, he'd be like a bulldog. You have to shoot him in the end.

He'd keep coming.

And another thing, Prime Minister...

-I'd prefer Jeremy Clarkson. Is he coming on here?

-Yeah.

-Not any more, no.

-Not this series.

I'll miss him if Ian goes.

Is this...?

LAUGHTER

I'm being replaced by Clarkson?

I think one way to ruin this show and Top Gear

is to have Ian and Jeremy Clarkson swap places.

That could be...

APPLAUSE

-What would be your approach to the show?

-Um...

What sort of car would Disraeli have driven?

Ed Miliband did something brilliantly this week.

-What was that?

-Um...

LAUGHTER

He successfully ingested a sandwich without causing uproar.

Let's have a look.

It's never happened like this before, Tom. I absolutely promise you.

It is honestly fluke.

Oh, my goodness me! OK, that has never...

Six balls. There's some cheating going on here.

That's never, ever happened before.

I hope you caught on camera that shot that I played.

-That was impressive.

-I want that broadcast on the Tonight programme.

Do you know what? I'd genuinely vote for him

if he just settled, for once and for all, the actual rules of pool.

Like do you get two shots for a foul, even on black, or not?

Do you have to aim down the table?

If he just went, "Look, this is it, this is my one election pledge,

"I'm going to sort this out," I'd be like, "Show me the box."

I think it's rather sweet,

his astonishment that something had gone rather well.

The double and in.

At the launch of the Labour manifesto,

how did Ed Miliband describe himself?

The leader.

I'm ready.

That is indeed what he said.

Is he ready?

Definitely, yes.

What would you say if you thought he wasn't?

That was about a five on a sincerity-o-meter.

-Let's remind ourselves of the key Labour manifesto pledges.

-Yes.

Going over to Ruth Cadbury,

Parliamentary candidate for Brentford and Isleworth.

The Labour Party's manifesto is out now.

Can you tell me more about the key policies?

Erm...

Sum them up. What are your key policies?

I can't remember. Oh, God.

-Sorry.

-You need to check them. That's not great.

I do need to check them. I mean, I'm reading them every day.

-Sorry.

-Labour's key policies.

-Labour...

Er...

To be fair, when you're asked about the manifesto,

it only came out about 24 hours ago, isn't it?

It's a bit much to push these people, to say, "Do you remember everything?"

John, perhaps you could talk us through the key Labour promises.

I'll stop you when we've got enough.

I've got the pledge cards.

We delivered on this one in 1997 on every facet.

Come and have a look.

And we'll deliver on this.

-I must do that.

-Yeah, OK.

-You can trust politicians to deliver. We did.

-Hold on. You're saying...

Here, you can have a look and see how we delivered it.

It's a train ticket to Reading.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Look. Look at the top pledge on the top.

"We will invade Iraq against the wishes...

"of the people of Britain."

CHEERING

SHE MOUTHS

Yeah, but it was Miliband who stopped the invasion into Syria.

That's something for him, isn't it? Ain't heard you say much about that.

No, no, cos I'm more interested

in the previous one, which you were involved in.

And we made it clear - that time we made a mistake.

There's no doubt about that.

But give Miliband the credit for stopping us

doing the same thing with Syria.

Cos Cameron was about to get in to do it with the Americans.

Yeah, no, I have no problem with that. And Obama took the hit.

You just don't talk about it. Anyway, that's the difference between us.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Should we start again?

-But you say...

-I don't think so.

..the manifesto had only just come out

so the candidate can't be expected to know what's in it.

Is the manifesto meant to be a massive surprise

to Labour candidates?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, but when you get...

In our party, you have to get it through the National Executive

and we have a policy-making for the manifesto.

You don't know necessarily what's coming through.

I think some great things have gone through,

particularly when we're dealing with the Leveson Report

and what are we going to do about making the press more accountable?

-That's quite important.

-You're going to legislate, aren't you?

What we've said about that, we will carry out what Leveson said.

-We wait to see the press...

-Leveson said nothing about a Royal Charter.

-He didn't mention it.

-I would've thought you, as a journalist,

might find this an important point.

-No, as a journalist, it's an unimportant point.

-Blimey.

In Private Eye, you're sued every day, for God's sake,

for what you say about people.

No, we're not.

And certainly not about you.

I know you've got problems with the press and your private life, John.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

The last time you raised it, you got the same "ooh".

Be more specific and say it.

You're usually straightforward in Private Eye. What's your complaint?

You're very unhappy about press intrusion into your private life

cos they revealed you were having an affair with Tracey Temple.

-I never complained at all.

-And it was very embarrassing for you.

-No, it wasn't.

-God, it... It wasn't embarrassing?

I made a mistake, I owned up to it publicly.

And I was waiting for this one to come from you.

You didn't own up to it publicly. You were revealed as doing it.

-I've got an idea!

-Hey!

-I've got an idea.

I did it at the Labour conference...

You two find a room and whoever comes out alive is the winner.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't think we've any doubt about that.

LAUGHTER

ALUN: It's a death stare. He gave you a death stare.

It depends who's ordering the room service, I suppose,

doesn't it, John?

LAUGHTER

This is like a terrible family Christmas.

What did the Green Party manifesto want to ban?

The Grand National.

Yes, that's one of the things.

There goes my weekend.

What is the Green Party pledge on plastic bags?

They're going to be a quid, not five pence. A full pound.

They're going to tax them. How much money will this raise?

Four quid...

..from the a few initial trailblazers and then people will just use the

really thick carrier bag that they keep other carrier bags in at home.

That's what's going to happen.

According to the Green Party,

their tax on plastic bags will raise...

I like the word "perhaps".

-MUSIC PLAYS

-It's a good idea, anyway.

Hold that thought,

because it's time for a quickfire round

of the election bonus buzzer questions...

Fingers on buzzers.

Here's Alex Salmond on the campaign trail in his constituency,

having a chat over the garden wall, but what did he do next?

-BELL RINGS

-Ian and Alun.

Did he keep his head and shoulders there

but just using his stomach muscles, bring his feet up at the side?

-Here's the thing, you're closer than you think.

-No!

Having had a chat with that constituent,

he joined another to jump up and down on a mattress.

Look how high he gets!

OK, so, we haven't talked enough about Ukip.

What about their manifesto?

What is different about the Ukip manifesto compared to

the last election, according to Nigel Farage?

He said it was drivel, the first one,

and this one he said "was a new gold standard for manifestos".

This one, he said, is their...

And finally, let's just meet a Ukip voter from Essex.

My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear. Vote Ukip.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's the start of that weird three-week period where

everyone pretends the manifestos actually matter.

The Independent reported that a Polish prince living in London

and unhappy with Ukip's anti-immigrant stance...

I like the sound of that idea! But then a spokesman for Ukip said...

And now I like it even more.

It was revealed by the Star On Sunday that Ukip's

new office in Luton is...

..which hosts a night called...

That wouldn't be a bad name for an SNP-Labour coalition.

APPLAUSE

Ian and Alun, take a look at this.

-He's got off the bus. That's a manifesto.

-Yes.

-Oh, look!

-It's the Prime Minister.

-Oh, no, this is tragic.

-Go on, son!

Go on, son!

Oh, in the gutter.

You'd think before you do a photo op with a bowling ball

-you'd have a practice.

-Yeah, a little warm-up.

But he's not the only Lib Dem person to have trouble bowling a ball.

Yeah, Charles Kennedy.

There was a wonderful bit of footage in the early days.

We used to play it every week.

-You haven't got it, have you?

-Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

They are consistent, the Lib Dems. Anyway, that was Charles Kennedy.

So, no, this is the government in the shape of Cameron

and Clegg putting their stake on the country.

Yeah, it's been a big manifesto week, hasn't it?

You only get a manifesto once every five years, so it's worth a look.

-Yeah.

-I expect, John, you've read these, haven't you?

-No.

APPLAUSE

Does that include the Labour one?

What did David Cameron try this week? What was his approach?

It was The Good Life.

It was a promise to take us back to a '70s sitcom.

-Shall we have a The Good Life quiz?

-Yes, absolutely. OK.

Tom and Barbara, of course, the couple.

What job did Tom jack in to go self-sufficient?

BUZZER

He was in an advertising agency.

What exactly did he do?

-Was it breakfast cereal?

-Oh!

Together, you would make such a great team. He was designing...

No-one's thought of that(!)

-He designed the toys that go in breakfast cereal.

-Oh, right, yes.

-Fancy not knowing that.

-Yeah.

And how else has Cameron been optimistic?

He's been criticised for being a bit dour.

People said, "We want passion," so this is passion -

he is promising to get off with all Ed's girlfriends.

No, he isn't, that's not in the manifesto.

But he is trying to show a bit of life, isn't he?

Why has he changed tack? Why has he gone positive?

Because he's a political cross-dresser,

that's the phrase they've used a lot this week, which is creepy.

I'm glad they didn't do that when you were around, John.

I always found it difficult with that side of politics.

If you had been a political cross-dresser,

what might you have worn?

Don't say you haven't thought about it.

I haven't, no.

I wear boxer shorts, if you're interested.

I wasn't, but I definitely am now.

How did the Sun depict the new, optimistic David Cameron?

They depicted him like this.

Is David Cameron definitely the politician that Buzz Lightyear

most resembles?

-No.

-Let's have a look at another picture.

APPLAUSE

Who's that?

He's a ridiculous toy.

What were the rays of sunshine in the Tory promises?

Well, having said there was no money, they've now found it.

So the Tories are just throwing promises out.

Rail fares - they're going to stay where they are for ever.

If you want free...tax-free childcare, you can have it.

If you want inheritance - it's all yours.

What else do you want?

£8 billion for the NHS?

-Yeah, done.

-ALUN: Yeah, love it.

Whatever Labour are promising, we're promising as well.

And how are they going to pay for it?

Don't ask.

Osborne got asked the same question by Andrew Marr 15 times.

Osborne wouldn't answer. It's none of our business.

Who heckled David Cameron this week?

Mrs Cameron.

That may have happened privately.

Publicly, he was heckled by a man with...

a ukulele.

-#

-BLEEP

-back to Eton

-#

-BLEEP

-back to Eton

# With all your Eton chums

-#

-BLEEP...

-#

INDISTINCT EXCHANGE

-#

-..BLEEP

-back to Eton... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That a brilliant heckle, isn't it?

I feel the lyrics rather let him down.

-What were they?

-I'm not repeating it.

They were "fuck off back to Eton".

I think that's what it was, wasn't it?

Who is helping out Hannah David, the candidate for Harrow West?

Who was in the campaign trail with her this week?

-Was it Eddie Izzard?

-Let's have a look.

Oh, there you are.

It's Eric Pickles, of course.

Does he have to be parked like a normal car?

-Who's not bothered about the polls?

-Me.

Who else?

-Nick Clegg.

-Nick Clegg.

But he is going to win, in a sort of way.

Is he? What sort of way is he going to win?

-He's going to be in government again.

-Is he?

How's that going to work?

Well, if no-one wins overall, the Liberal manifesto

makes it clear that they're

absolutely committed to whoever is in power.

What's the new slogan that Nick Clegg is using

to convey it's all about building a coalition?

I'm no good on my own.

I thought he'd gone a bit Wizard Of Oz.

Cos he said, "I'll be the brains for the Labour Party,

"and the heart for the Tory Party," and then he stopped the quote.

And you're thinking, "There were three of them, weren't there?

"The Tin Man, the Scarecrow and who was the...?

"Oh, it was the Cowardly Lion."

Bad news, I'm afraid.

It's a final quickfire election bonus question.

I'm going to give you a manifesto quote.

-What I want to know is, what are they on about?

-OK.

What Are They On About? Diddly dee, diddly dee, diddly dee.

-BUZZER

-Ian and Alun.

JOHN: It's got to be Farage.

It's that Ukip thing. They are going to be in Dover.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, that is a Conservative promise.

-It's about research centres for robotics.

-I stand corrected.

-Yeah.

-So let's give the last word to Michael Gove. He was asked

a question by a journalist who caught him slightly off guard.

Let's have a look.

-Too late to win the election?

-Hello. Yes.

On to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-Paul and John?

The pieces on that chess set seem to be the same colour,

which kind of takes the fun out of the game. Um, there was

a guy that cheated in chess who was taking part in the tournament

and disappeared for a comfort break and then came back brilliant.

They went into the loo and found a computer hidden in there,

admitted it was a fair cop,

and they've been thrown out of chess.

Yes, that's absolutely right.

Gaioz Nigalidze his name is.

And he went into the bathroom, where,

what did he have on his smartphone?

A chess thing.

-A chess app.

-Chess app. That's it. Chess app.

-A chap.

-Do you have a chess app on your smartphone?

He had a chap on his ring. On his finger. On his...

Computers and homosexuality, it's all the same thing to me.

When they caught him,

his first excuse was that it was his girlfriend's phone.

And then they said, "You haven't got one, you're a chess player."

-What's his penalty?

-He's not allowed to play chess...

-Or think about it.

He actually faces a ban of 15 years.

-Oh, blimey.

-Or one game of chess.

What did he do when he was confronted?

Was it king's pawn to knight seven?

Very good.

Is that... Is that...

I like that.

I like that a lot.

It's a chess joke.

On the subject of gaining an unfair advantage, what cunning ruse

has German schoolboy Simon Schrader come up with to give him the edge?

What? In exams?

It is an edge in exams. How is he going to get the edge?

He's going to revise properly.

A strategy unknown to so many young persons.

It's not that. He has filed...

APPLAUSE

I like him.

This is the chess grandmaster who was caught

cheating by using his smartphone in the lavatory.

The chess grandmaster has now been forced to resign, which he

did on the spot by knocking himself over and rolling away.

-Let's spin up another picture. Fingers on buzzers.

-Yeah.

-BUZZER

-Whistling's back.

-ALUN: No, it's dwindling.

-It's dwindling.

Fewer people are whistling. Why?

Cos the message has spread that it's really annoying.

-It takes a bit of effort to learn.

-More people can speak now.

The reason given in John Lucas's book...

Apparently, the problem is "the disappearance of classic

"working-class whistling occupations, such as..."

-Everyone here good at whistling?

-No.

JOHN WHISTLES

That was me, and I was doing that while drinking a glass of water.

Did you see that?

APPLAUSE

-Who is doing their bit to promote whistling in Britain?

-Popeye.

VICTORIA CHUCKLES

Might not be someone you've heard of.

It's the pride of Loughborough,

former International Whistling Champion Sheila Harrod, of course.

-Oh, yes.

-According to the Times, Sheila still performs...

Whether people want it or not.

-That's good, she's determined.

-Would you like to see Sheila perform?

Yeah, go on, I bet it's good. A good whistler's always worth seeing.

SHE WHISTLES A TUNE

Be more impressive if she didn't have a nightingale

stuck in her hand. But, other than that, very good.

This is the news that the art of whistling is disappearing

in Britain. According to the Sunday Times...

To be fair, he was in bed next to them.

Time now for the Missing Words Round which, this week,

features as its guest publication,

the Racing Pigeon. It shits all over other publications.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We start with...

Arrested on Turkish border.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They've been radicalised, you've gotta watch them.

Yes, four koalas were sent to Singapore from Australia.

Here's one of the koalas on the flight.

Why isn't he watching the film?

Is he expected to open that tin himself?

That photograph chucks up much more questions than it answers.

-Where's his other three friends?

-Yeah!

Next...

Pigeons! It's gotta be.

ALUN: Prescott. Is it grapes?

Grapes, like a fine wine, mature with age.

-It's marathon pigeons.

-Marathon pigeons?

-Yes.

A marathon for a pigeon can be up to 600 miles,

or 500 miles as the crow flies. But then the crow does cheat.

Next...

-ALUN: Heads. They're a family with huge...

-Yeah.

-It's a genetic thing.

Is it "range of interests"?

PAUL LAUGHS

You're closer with "heads".

-Is it "sofa"?

-Why is that closer to "heads"?

-Mouths.

-Close enough.

-Noses?

-It's tongues.

-Why tongues?

-Let's have a look at the wide tongues.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Yes, here they are sending off for their certificate.

The dad of the family, Byron Schlenker, told Metro

he'd been inundated with requests for autographs. He said...

I really hope that isn't a euphemism.

And finally...

-ALUN: Is it "to live"?

-Yes!

Waterboard suspects.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"This one's for John Noakes!"

After winning a competition, three Blue Peter viewers were allowed

inside MI5 headquarters this week.

The children's first job as secret agents will be to locate

this so-called "farm" that all the Blue Peter pets go to live on.

So, the final scores are -

Ian and Alun 5 points,

Paul and John 8 points.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

And I leave you with news that outside the leadership debate

in London, David Dimbleby relaxes before he's called into make-up.

On a building site in Dundee, Labour leader Jim Murphy spots

Alex Salmond in the street below.

And on BBC Four's new highbrow music quiz, it's time for

the ever-popular round of Guess The Mystery Oboist.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE