A Very Big Day Hebburn

Isn't it amazing. You and me. Getting married tomorrow?

Yeah. It is amazing. Cos we're already married.

The mistake we made was having it in Vegas

and forgetting the family would want a re-run in Hebburn.

But in Vegas we were just mucking about. This is real.

I mean, have you seen the size of your mum's hat?

Yeah, once the brim goes past seven inches there's no going back.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

I've never felt so close to you.

Is it going to be OK?

Course it is, pet.

I wasn't talking to you.

'Course it'll be OK.'

Keep our heads down, get through it.

Bish, bash, bosh. Be in the pub by three.

Possibly the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.

I'm worried our mums'll argue again.

What? Who ever heard of an argument at a wedding?

Are you kidding?

There's always an argument at a Geordie wedding.

It's nearly the law.

Yeah, but this isn't actually a wedding. It's a blessing.

Followed by a drinking session.

Which is, in a way, another blessing.

Except I can't join in, can I? Not exactly good for the baby.

Hey, but champagne's not real booze, is it?

Yes. It's one of the realest.

Are you sure? I mean, I'm pregnant an' all.

Surely three or four champagnes just means the baby's

in on the party too, doesn't it?

Sounds like the ante-natal classes have started well through there.

Denise, we can't drink at all.

We've have to think of what's best for baby.

Bugger.

What's up?

Well, I told Gervaise I was pregnant as well, didn't I?

To stop him pissing off to Great Yarmouth.

If I drink tomorrow, he'll know something's wrong, won't he?

Sounds like everything's wrong.

I'll have you know he was very excited about the baby.

Once he'd stopped crying. And running.

Anyway, I might be pregnant after what me and Gervaise got up to

in here this afternoon.

In this bed? Did you change the sheets?

Don't worry, man, we put something down.

Denise's sleeping bag.

Right.

Margaret's granddaughter had a six-tier wedding cake.

And we cannit let her beat us.

Seven tiers?

Nine.

Nine? You'll be able to see it from the moon!

Listen pet, I'm paying for this wedding.

And one thing it's not going to be is dreary.

And besides, it might be the last one I ever go to.

So we are having the biggest and best of everything.

I want a cake tall enough for King Kong to climb up.

And napkins so nice we're going to have to stop folk

from stealing them.

Well, let's stop faffing and get building this fruity skyscraper.

That's always been your problem, hasn't it, Pauline?

Got no conversational skills.

You just leave me to it. I'll have this done in no time.

Aye, maybe I'll just help you get started, eh, Dot?

It's a woman's prerogative. This is your kitchen.

No matter how shamefully organised it is.

So, I'll get on with rolling out 20 pounds of marzipan.

You get that sack of sultanas and put them in the mixing bin.

Right.

Wow!

I'd be happy just to marry that.

Of course, it's mainly down to your Gran.

The only thing I put in was all the effort.

Do you think wedding cake knows it's wedding cake?

Probably not, pet.

-Why don't you go and ask Denise?

-I will.

Dot?

Dot?

Dot!

Um? I was just resting my eyes.

Feast your eyes on this!

Eeee!

Oh, no, I wouldn't have done it like that.

Come on! I need a shower.

What are you doing in there? Remodelling it?

We're getting ready, man!

Sarah's in the shower, I'm doing me last coat of fake tan

and Denise's finishing shaving.

No-one cares if she's got hairy legs, they'll not be looking at her.

I'm shaving higher up than me legs.

Right, we're coming out.

What on earth are you doing?

It's bad luck to see me before the service.

Unlike you, Jack, I'm taking this seriously.

Yeah, you've never looked more serious.

You know what your problem is, Jack?

Aaah!

Oh, no, man!

Oh, my God!

She's popped her nose.

It's all right pet, we'll get you sorted in my room. Denise!

You'll be wanting your razor back.

Keep it. Or burn it. And bury it.

Bloody hell!

If that was any taller, it'd be a terrorist target.

Eee, look at you! You're like a young Alan Shearer.

But handsome.

Let's hope the bride turns up, eh?

Well, Mam, it's not a wedding, it's a blessing.

Sorry, pet?

I thought you just said I was going to all this trouble

for something that isn't a wedding.

It's not! We're already married.

Jack, the happiest day of a mother's life

is watching her son get married.

Me and your dad have prepared ourselves for the fact

that your sister will probably end up having a few goes,

But you will only do this once, for a second time.

So, to keep your Mam happy, this is a wedding. Capisce, pet?

I suppose so.

Good lad.

I remember at my wedding, dear, your Granddad knocked the cake over.

He was drunk as a skunk.

I might not observe that particular family tradition.

I'm sure it was still a very special day, Dot.

Oh, aye. He used the font as an ashtray.

The priest said some very un-Christian things.

Pure romance. Mam, have you seen me cufflinks anywhere?

In the Good Room. Mind, you can go in for them, then that's it.

I'm having no-one else in there today. My God, it's half eleven!

Go and get your Dad!

If you cannit move him, tell him I've got the credit card out

and I'm watching QVC. That'll shift him.

I could do with a freshen up meself.

Hold us over the sink, Pauline. I'll wipe meself down.

And with that ladies, I'll bid you farewell.

Dad?

What you doing in here? No-ones supposed to be in here today.

She'll kill you!

Exactly. It's the last place she'll look.

So are you coming to me blessing/wedding or what?

Yeah, just thought I'd have a little doze first.

Your mam has entered her organisational phase,

and I thought it's best to hide and wait it out.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you.

You know they say your wedding day is the happiest day of your life?

-Yeah.

-Well, it's not.

Brilliant. So, you're telling us that today!

Your wedding day is just about you standing up

in front of the people that you love and saying,

"This is who I want to spend the rest of me life with,

"and from now on, we're not two people, we're one."

So, if you and Mam are one, how come you're hiding in here?

Sometimes it's better to be one person in separate rooms.

Sounds ominous. So, is this me little pep talk, then?

No, but if I was to give you any advice,

it would be just try and be kind to each other,

and try to not get stressed about giving in a lot.

And I wanted to show you this.

It's not the Antiques Roadshow, Dad.

That watch was your grandfather's. He wore that for 38 years.

Sailed all around the world wearing that.

Got into bar fights in Australia wearing that watch,

slept rough in Russia when he'd missed his ship.

He was on two ships that sank wearing that watch.

So, it's a cursed watch?

Nah, son.

But I'll tell you what, after 38 years of hell and high water,

that watch is absolutely buggered.

So it's a cursed, broken watch.

12:30 all day long.

He gave it to me to wear on me wedding day

and me and your Mam have been as happy as she'll allow.

Cheers.

Anyway, it'd mean a lot to me, son, if you'd wear that today,

and hopefully it'll being you good luck

and your and Sarah's marriage will be as harmonious as me and your Mam's.

Joe! If you'd like to see a funeral as well as a wedding today,

then I suggest you keep hiding. Otherwise, get down here!

Good luck, son.

Mother, looking demure as always.

Where have you been? Honestly, today of all days!

I didn't think you needed us.

Oh, I always need you, Joe. I need you here, with me.

Now, get out of me way.

Didn't the doctor say I was to be kept stress free?

High blood pressure, remember?

You can be stress free tomorrow, but today is my big day.

-Whose big day?

-Sarah's big day.

I meant Sarah, obviously.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it! It'll be me groomsmen. I'll see yous all at the church, eh?

Best of luck, pet. Don't be nervous. Focus on Sarah,

and not the rows and rows and rows of folk watching you.

Great, thanks.

Bloody hell, it's the A-Team!

Best man, reporting for duty.

I've got to say, Ramsey, you're looking fair sophisticated, son.

Cheers, like.

Viagra? For the wedding night?

I'm all right, mate. I grow me own.

Marial, I'm assuming you're going to want to join the coven upstairs?

Funnily enough, I am actually a white witch.

I never doubted it for a second.

I'll see you later.

Aye, belter like.

Hi.

Oh, hello!

Marial. Listen, I'll walk with you. Give you a bit more fatherly advice.

And my first bit of advice I'd like to give you is...

There's always time for a swift pint. Howay.

You look proper lush, like, Sarah, once you've clotted up.

-Promise?

-Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you don't want a quick wipe with fake tan?

Just subtle, like? Not the full Fanta?

No, really, thanks.

Gosh, I'm nervous.

Why?

You've nowt to worry about now, man.

Today, you're closing the door on yesterday,

and opening the door to a whole new world.

Aye, now you can just sit back, get a house with Jack

and fire out bairns on an interest-free settee.

Woah. That's not very feminist, Denise.

Being a wife doesn't mean you have to take a subservient role.

Hey, I went out with Jack for two years,

and trust me, he does enjoy a bit of subservience.

Denise! What did I say?

You can be a bridesmaid so long as you don't remind me

that you and Jack used to...

..go together.

My lips are sealed.

He liked that as well.

Bit of a challenge.

I was thinking of singing Ave Maria at the wedding.

Y'know, with Sarah being all Jewish and that.

-I'm not sure.

-It won't be tacky, man.

I'll do it with a bossa nova beat.

Mate, can I just say, it's a proper honour to be your best man.

Wasn't a difficult decision, really, mate. What were me other choices?

I'm proper touched, like.

And just so you know, I'm taking it seriously.

In me speech, I'm going to make you look like a total bell end.

Cheers mate. Appreciate it.

It'll be good for Hutchy, as well, to see us in a role of authority.

Might help straighten the lad out a bit.

How does he feel about you having a baby with Denise?

After I told him, he only set fire to like, two things.

Which I think means he's quite pleased about it.

You know, in an angry way.

But, as a parent, sometimes you have to let them

work their anger out on their own.

Or in Hutchy's case, on cats.

Eeee!

I might call my mum and dad. They should have been here ages ago.

Oh!

Pauline! Stop gawping at the poor lass!

Pay no attention to her, Sarah.

She was exactly like this when Joe bought her her first microwave.

My God! You're a vision, our Sarah, a vision.

I feel a bit itchy.

Itchy! You don't know what itchy is, pet.

When I got married, my dress was 100% polyester.

But I looked all right, if I do say so meself.

The static off that polyester dress! She was like a fairy with an afro.

Come to think of it, I should have had her earthed!

And when he took me hand, there was like a spark between us.

We were so in love.

ALL: Awww!

Mind you, you should have seen the bridesmaids!

The bridesmaids, they were head to toe in velvet.

It was the '80s. No-one had seen it done before.

Mind, they were a bit clammy.

I've never seen sweating like it.

They were like waterfalls in dresses.

It was horrible.

Joe gave me the shock of me life.

I thought he wasn't going to turn up.

-You're kidding.

-What happened?

I was in here, wasn't I? Got sidetracked.

Which reminds me. What time is it, son?

The time sponsored by The Cursed Watch is 12:30.

What time is it in the real world?

Plenty of time, don't worry.

Certainly time enough for one more half.

Same again, gentlemen?

-Aye, cheers.

-Nice one.

Appletise?

Hey, what's the magic words?

With ice and a slice.

That's better.

Eeee!

Look at you, my darling!

Hiya, Mum. Hiya, Dad.

You look like an angel. So beau...

Not now, Ben.

Susan, we were beginning to worry you'd not make it.

Our invitation said four. We'd have missed the whole thing if we got here then, wouldn't we?

That'll be me. I did the invitations.

I get muddled up, you know.

Sometimes, you see, I put down four

when what I really mean is don't come at all.

Hush, Dot!

Hello, Miriam, love.

It's Marial now, Dad, remember.

Miriam.

How... interesting you look. And you too, Dot. What are you?

I'm a bridesmaid.

They couldn't get married without me being a bridesmaid.

Did they say that?

No, I did.

But since I'm paying for the wedding,

it didn't seem to be a problem.

It's just a shame that you couldn't afford to chip in, isn't it?

Now, please, Dot. This is a very special day of celebration.

And we are very happy to have Susan and Ben here with us.

What time are you going?

Well, looks like the car's here, so...

Wow, look at that car!

Nowt but the best for our Sarah.

It's the only wedding car in Hebburn.

Half the town's used it. There's a lot of history in that car.

I married Joe in that car.

I conceived Joe in that car.

I had to book it under an assumed name

cos I think I might still be banned.

Limousine for Miss Streisand?

What? They're Jewish, aren't they?

I was panicking when I booked it.

Yes, Streisand, that's us. Right, let's get you in.

There we go.

And Ben, of course, father of the bride.

Susan, I imagine you'll be travelling with us.

Let the bride and her father have some private time...

No, I'll go with them. I'll see you later.

Move over, Ben.

Has anyone seen me watch?

Nah, I don't believe in them, mate. I'm not a slave to the clock.

Used to drive them mad when I had to sign on.

In the end they just put on me card "afternoons".

The strap's a bit dodgy, it's probably just come off.

While me Dad's at the bar, can you just help us look for it?

It means the world to him. Howay.

What's going on? Is it the call to prayer?

All right, Dad. We're just looking for Big Keith's contact lens.

-I didn't know you wore them.

-Oh, aye. I love 'em.

They're like spectacles without the ear hook things.

I know what they are.

MUSIC: "Marry You" by Bruno Mars

# Cos it's a beautiful night

# We're looking for Something dumb to do

# Hey baby

# I think I want to marry you

# Is it the look in your eyes

# Or is it this dancing juice? #

It's a special day, you know, for a father,

when his daughter gets married.

I know we were there in Vegas,

but this is like a proper wedding, isn't it?

No. It's a blessing, Ben.

You wonder what these people would do for a real wedding.

The grandmother's one of the bridesmaids,

they've made their own cake.

Is she going to be walking down the aisle

to the strains of a toothless banjo player?

It's of course traditional for me to ask if you have any doubts.

Because I could just get this car to whisk us back to York.

No, Dad, I'm sure.

Are you really, though? You're an educated woman.

You don't want to throw your life away.

And let's face it,

these people are pretty much gypsies who live in houses.

I'm not throwing my life away.

I'm closing the door on yesterday

and opening the door to a whole new world.

Oh, that's very wise.

Who did you hear that from?

It's the Lion King, isn't it?

KNOCK AT WINDOW

Little bit of a problem.

What might that be, Pauline?

Joe and the boys are a little bit delayed,

so you might want to drive around the block.

Shouldn't be more than two minutes.

Our Vicki's just on the phone now, chasing them up.

OK. OK, but listen... Vicki? Vicki, wait...

Lads, we need to get the church. Fast as we can, like.

Now!

# Cos it's a beautiful night

# We're looking for Something dumb to do

# Hey baby... #

Where the bloody hell have you been?

If somebody doesn't get married soon

we'll have a well-dressed riot on our hands.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Sorry, gorgeous. Lost track of time.

-Do I look like an idiot?

No, you look, you look amazing.

Jack, stop slavering over the lass.

Your Gran had two sherries before we came out

so we've got half an hour before she has the urge to surge.

Joe?

I've had to deal with Susan twisting her face like butter wouldn't melt.

And all the time I'm waiting for her to ask about you

so I have to say you're in the pub.

The heavens have opened, your mother's doing me head in,

I think the cake's going to melt and...

Do I look all right?

You look beautiful.

You're not even looking!

I don't need to.

You're a bloody smooth talker, you. Right, come on!

Let's get on with me special day.

Sorry, Sarah. I'm sorry.

Our special day.

-Actually Pauline, I think you'll find...

-Not now, Susan.

Joe, you all right?

I'm fine, pet. You go in, I'll sneak in round the back.

I'll tell them to start the music.

I don't think I've ever been so nervous.

Were you this nervous on your wedding day?

No. I knew she was the one for me.

Are you..?

Joe?

Oh, my God! Just... just wait there. Wait there!

I'm not going anywhere, pet.

I found your watch, mate.

Is it that time already?

What's he doing?

Oh, my god! Darling!

What's wrong, pet?

-Oh.

-What is it?

It's all right. I'm here now. Everything's going to be fine.

What's going on?

It's all right, darling.

Dad?

Dad! What you doing? What's he doing?

Gervaise, ambulance. Do not sing to them.

Yous had better hurry up cos that congregation is turning ugly.

Uglier.

Dad, I need to tell you this, right, cos you're dying.

He's not dying, Vicki! Shut up!

Oh, Mam, just look at him! Dad, I'm not pregnant!

-I just made it up to keep Gervaise!

-What?

What's going on? We came all the way from York for this...

My husband is not very well, Susan, so you're just going to have to wait.

What's wrong with him?

Look at his face. I think he could be having a stroke.

Not a stroke!

Siobhan's Mam had one and now she swims in circles at the baths!

Is his breathing slurred?

What do you mean?

I mean, is it slurred down, like?

Don't worry Dad. We're all here for you.

The watch! Where'd you get it?

He still owes me for that.

Hutchy! I've had enough of this!

-You're going to stop nicking off my mates!

-All right.

And start calling me Dad.

OK, Dad.

Be all right, darling.

The ambulance is on its way.

Is there anything we can do to help, Pauline?

Yes, please.

Can you make sure everyone gets to the party at the pub, please, Susan?

Thank you.

This is my worst nightmare.

No. Actually that's my worst nightmare.

MUSIC: "This Year's Love by David Grey

# This year's love had better last. #

It's OK, angel, you've just had a fright.

But we're going to see the doctor and he'll get you fixed up.

You're going nowhere, Joe.

Not yet.

We've still got loads more to do, haven't we?

You and me? So much more.

The kitchen needs doing, for a start.

And a conservatory.

You promised me that conservatory bloody years ago.

You just lie back and relax.

Let the experts work their magic.

Will you bloody hurry up!?

If you go any slower we'd be as good dropping him off at the morgue!

That's right, pet, just relax.

And I only lied cause I wanted you to stay with me, in Hebburn.

When you said you were going to Great Yarmouth,

I was proper scared I'd lose you to the showbiz lifestyle.

Well, I suppose it's like Cheryl teaches us.

"We've got to fight for this love".

Hi, I'm Doctor Abineri. I'm looking after your father.

-Is he all right, like? Is he? Is he?

-Vicki, let her speak!

He's had a stroke. But I think we caught it in time.

You can go and see him now, but he's been given some powerful drugs so just bear that in mind.

And we've given your mother a little sedative too, just to get her to let go of his hand.

Thank you, doctor.

You need to come with me.

Maybe just one at a time?

They don't really do one at a time.

You sort of have to take them all together.

You may now kiss the bride.

Now, yous go on, get away to the party.

I don't think there'll be a party now, Pauline.

Everyone would have gone home.

What time is it?

It's, er... bloody hell, the watch has started working!

Joe, it's like magic!

Oh, hold on, it's buggered again.

Get yourselves away.

Me and your dad are just going to stay here, be together for a bit.

I'm sorry for saying you were dying when you're not.

But, if you do die, I'll probably be too upset to go shopping.

So can I get a new black dress now? I've seen a lush one in Topshop.

I love you.

Don't you worry, son. You'll be fine.

You've got Pauline here. She'll take good care of you.

Don't look at me like that, Pauline.

I don't have to like you to love you.

And sort your makeup out, you look a right state.

And she's back.

You were right, Dad.

It's all about standing up in front of the people you love

and saying this is who I want to be with.

From now on, we're not two people, we're one.

Did you say that?

He's an old romantic, but he's right.

You know, you get to the point where you can read each other's minds,

and you know what I'm thinking now, Joe?

We should renew our vows.

Just a little service, a hundred or so.

Oh!

See? He thinks it's a great idea.

See you later, Pauline. Bye, Joe.

See you, my love.

Bye, Dad.

The doctor says you might not be able to talk for a little while,

but don't you worry, love.

I'll do the talking for both of us.

I'll just put the telly on, eh?

You know, you can slag Hebburn off for a lot of things....

And you have and will.

But we do do a good bag of chips.

Maybe we should get back to Swayze's and see if anyone's still there?

Let's not bother.

I can still look for another job, get us out of here.

I love it here.

I love wherever you are.

If you fancy, we could jump in the back and consummate the marriage?

Yous can wait until I've finished my chips, thank you very much.

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