Episode 1 High Hopes

Hi. I'm Boyd Clack, creator and director of the comedy series High Hopes.

The idea for the show came from meeting a couple of youngsters

of the Valleys who were up to a bit of nonsense

and then discovering that they were being brought up by their 16-year-old auntie and her boyfriend.

Anyway, they set me towards thinking about the nature of family life.

This show is a creation of a new family from bits of other families.

It's about the kindness and humanity that is needed for that.

Coming up:

Mam reveals all, Claude messes up, Fagin smartens up

and the boys fall out.

But to begin at the beginning, in the first ever episode...

the boys break into the Hepplewhite house.

DRAWERS RATTLE Shhh!

Why don't you just go upstairs and wake 'em up with a cup of tea?!

"Hello, we're house breakers. The kettle's on!"

(I never done it on purpose!)

Don't move, or my mam will throw this over you, won't you?

Yes, and it's nearly full.

Who are you? Where are you from? I'm Dwayne Hoffman and he's Charlie Jenkins. We're sleeping rough, like.

Do your parents know where you are?

My mum and dad are divorced, like, and Charlie's mum is a prostitute,

working at car parks in Neath. He don't know who his father is.

Only the proper car parks, the official ones, like!

I'm very old-fashioned and I like a lot of old stuff.

I used to adore black and white television things

and I used to watch children's things like Wacko and Billy Bunter.

But when I really got into it, it was with Hancock on radio

then television with Galton and Simpson.

My mam will see to your food and your washing and that,

and I could slip you a few bob from time to time.

So...what do you say?

Oh, Mr Hepplewhite!

Me and Charlie won't let you down, never!

Oh, it'll be lovely having young people in the house.

You're best not to call me Mr Hepplewhite.

Look, I...

I got my cover to keep, see?

Now, we should think of a different name...

like a code...

I know, that film where Alec Guinness had a beard.

He had apprentices an' all.

Oh, what was his name?

Fagin! That's it.

Fagin!

I like it.

Fagin it is, then.

Fagin. Great!

Stick with me, boys, you won't go far wrong.

I got high hopes for you boys...

very high hopes indeed!

Well, writing together is always interesting.

It's nice, I enjoy writing with another person.

The way we start is to come up with the actual storyline

for the episode. The theme is very important to us as well.

Each episode has a theme. So we come up with the theme and the storyline,

and the next step is to break that down into actual scenes,

individual scenes. Each scene, of course, must do certain things.

Essentially, it must be funny, but it must also advance the plot.

You can't have a scene just for the sake of it.

The international money markets are in turmoil, Mam.

At least it was this time last year!

He's a kind of Walter Mitty-ish character, I guess, in a way.

He's a dreamer. Erm...

Totally disillusioned with life, the life he's had.

Desperately yearning for a better life, but abjectly fails every time.

You are smart, you are!

Aye. Brains, see, boys?

I'm an intellect, like.

If you want to make a success of a criminal career,

you've got to be prepared to put in the hours.

Too many youngsters nowadays want the rewards without putting in the hard graft.

There you are.

Bought them from the shop. This is none of your homemade rubbish.

Thanks, Mrs Hepplewhite.

I remember doing the first ever episode which was the first

ever time I'd done a sitcom in front of an audience.

And I'd... I can remember the first couple of scenes.

I remember this pounding...

in my ears. My blood pressure had gone up so high.

It was very much like a rabbit in a headlight.

Are you comfy?

Lovely, Mrs Hepplewhite. Blow-up mattresses, they are.

Aye. There's another 48 of them in the attic.

I blew them up myself, it nearly killed me.

Anyway, you have a nice sleep,

and if there's anything you want in the night, you know your way around.

Goodnight, boys. Goodnight. Goodnight.

Nos da.

Night. Night, Charlie.

Until the arrival of the boys, he was profoundly lonely.

But their presence and support opened up new possibilities.

They're beams of light in his darkness.

A bang on the head can do funny things.

# I'm in love, I'm all... #

He's coming!

Saying nothing is best, right? He may have been cured of his agoraphobia for ever.

I'd like to think he could, in a way, because there's a big world out there for him,

a big world of adventure and discovery the poor sod doesn't know much about.

I think the heartache is the fact that he hasn't got a life!

You know, he's totally at home. But she also loves him to pieces.

I'd be so proud to show off my beautiful son in public again after all these years.

Right...let's hit the town, cats!

# It's now or never

# Come hold me tight... #

Now, I'll show you boys a bit of shoplifting,

the classic method, like. Fantastic!

We'll go in separate. Now, you boys keep your eyes on me.

Keep 'em peeled, you won't know I've done it. Slight of hand, see?

Excuse me, sir. Do you mind accompanying me to the manager's office?

It is up there in the top five or six shows that I have done

on the grounds principally of its writing...

which is extraordinarily funny, clever, idiosyncratic,

sometimes rude, but always done, always written with a warmth.

A very good cast...

and now, a hugely loyal following audience.

I mean, it's almost the same filming up the Valleys...

With High Hopes, we get the same kind of attention

from the general public that we used to get when we filmed

Only Fools And Horses. You know...

Except that the audiences in the Valleys of Wales

are slightly more polite. They're delighted that you're there.

If I had to describe Hoffman to someone, erm...

..he's a genuine sort of boy, you know.

I'd have looked after my mum and dad if they'd have stuck together.

But they don't need me, you see.

At least you know who they both was, though.

Aye.

If I'd have met Charlie in real life,

I think I'd love him. He's probably the honest...

kind of bloke that is one of your best friends.

You know that he'd always be there for you...

not knowing what he was getting into, probably.

I just love Charlie's innocence.

Hey, that Charlie's a bright lad. Where did you go to school, then?

Neath. But I never went, mind.

Why not, love? Cos the teacher didn't like me.

Why not? Cos I set fire to his car!

Oh, well...I could go up and have a word with him.

A misunderstanding, it was.

No, he understood, Mrs Hepplewhite, he just didn't like it.

Toyota, it was.

That's a Jap car.

Japanese, they tortured my husband in the war, didn't they, Richard?

Aye. They jumped up and down on his stomach, with their boots on.

Now they're going to deny you an education because you set fire to one of their cars? It's not right!

Mam, who is not in the first flush of youth,

often talks about her career as an erotic dancer,

about the places she played, and about her not infrequent sexual liaisons, without inhibition.

I was in showbiz myself for a while, you know, when I was younger.

You never told me that, Mam. Was you famous, Mrs Hepplewhite?

Oh, yes. I was a stripper.

A what?!

My mam was a stripper for a bit too,

but she reckoned it was too demeaning...

so she became a prostitute instead!

Where was you a stripper, Mam? Oh, pubs, working men's clubs.

How far did you go?

All over the South Wales area.

No, no, I mean...

how far did you go?

Ooh, the lot, right down to my G spot!

G string, Mam!

I had to give it up in the end, though, dancing barefoot

on beer-soaked bars gave me athlete's foot.

What did Dad say?

To try anti-fungal cream.

The more I've played her, the more I've enjoyed her, to be honest.

I love her now, I really do.

I love her to bits.

And the number of people who say they just love what she gets up to...

The men think she's hilarious.

"I cannot hardly wait to hold you in my arms again

"and kiss your beautiful lips.

"Endless love. Your own Aneurin.

"XXX."

Ah, there's romantic.

Aneurin? Who the bloody hell's Aneurin?

Richard.

Hello, Mam. What's this?

Well, you've found out now. Found out what?

Who's Aneurin?

Sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

It was 1953, Coronation year. Your poor dad was in hospital.

He'd been there a long time

and somehow I found happiness in the arms of another.

Another what?

Another man.

Oh.

Yes. The Japs jumped up and down on your dad's stomach

and Aneurin Snoddy jumped up and down on mine.

Oh, no!

Not...

THE Aneurin Snoddy?

The famous cat burglar?

Yes. Aneurin the Cat they used to call him.

He was a legend in Port Talbot. Still is.

He was a good looking man, like Cary Grant.

Smoked a pipe. Women were mad for him.

They used to leave their windows open

and sit waiting on their balconies in the spring night air,

wearing only diaphanous silk negligees and their diamonds and pearls

in the hope that he would enter in search of their valuables

and take advantage of them.

Port Talbot has changed a lot since then.

I'm back.

There was a bomb scare in the pictures. It was those Methodists!

They don't like snuff movies themselves

so they try to spoil everybody else's fun.

Oh. Aneurin.

Elsie.

Oh, hell.

The first episode was always very difficult, in fact,

and this to come as the second one, possibly my favourite ever one.

I particularly loved the scene where Mam is upstairs with Snoddy

and Fagin is downstairs really fretting about it. The boys tease him.

Hey, they're at it.

No, no, not at their age. It's not possible.

Aye, it is. I've seen a programme on Discovery channel.

Sex Over 70 it was called.

They do it after they have a bath.

Mam and Aneurin haven't had a bath.

Usually, like, but sometimes they use a little pump.

A little pump?

For the bath water, is it?

No, for the bloke's winky.

They can pump it up and smile at each other.

Oh, my God! My neck's gone hard.

I was getting very irate the fact my mother was upstairs with this man.

I can't take it.

I said, "My lovely..."

Mam. My little old cuddly white-haired mam

upstairs banging away like a shithouse door.

Protection racket is a dirty word, doctor.

Two words.

Yes, blackmail, that's better.

Anyhow, if I don't get 400... pounds in used notes forged prescriptions

will be mailed to the medical authorities

quicker than you can say, "Stick your tongue out."

I personally have a lot of time for the police.

I really like the police, I admire them,

to the point of affection.

Can't you do something about it, Sergeant Ball?

You know me, I'd love to, Mrs Hepplewhite.

But they're clever buggers, they always watch their backs.

I can't stand the hoity-toity sods.

I'd like to have them one at a time in a dark urinal.

I'd give them something to ponder on.

But unfortunately, I'm limited by the constraints of the legal system.

He's not a man to be messed with.

'I like him. I really like him. I like him very much as a person.'

Hey, Sarge, you know you asked me yesterday how do you keep an idiot in suspense? Yes.

Well, you said you'd tell me the answer today...

..so...how do you do it, Sarge?

So many policemen have told me every station has a Claude

and he's the sort of cop that other cops admire.

Hey, Sarge, you used to be in a pop band, didn't you? Yes.

Look at this. Five grand.

We could reinvest it in sex toys from the Far East.

We could buy 100 rubber women with that

with kissable lips and an instruction manual

and then we could sell some of them on.

There's a lucrative market for them amongst divorced, middle-aged men

and farmers...

We could clean up. We could form a duo, Sarge.

Good thinking.

Ball is understanding and forgiving of Claude's inadequacies,

because he knows he has a good heart.

Both of them are really good friends of the Hepplewhite family,

who Claude visits regularly to indulge his passion for cream cakes,

which he gets from Mrs Coles's shop on the station account.

So what else you been up to, Claude?

Checking the contents of a sex shop in Porth. Oh, that's exciting.

It was extremely difficult to keep a straight face at times with Mam's lines.

When the audience were falling about with laughter

and I knew the camera was coming to me and I had to react to this.

It was nail bitingly difficult.

One particular moment when Claude was talking about

a break-in at a sex shop in Porth I remember.

I said... Mam was pouring tea and I said to Claude,

"Was it robbery?" He says...

?19.50 for a vibrating busy beaver, batteries not included.

I call it robbery, aye.

Mam serving the tea says...

Cheap latex rubbish they are too.

You could make a better one yourself with a lump of putty and an alarm clock.

Now, I couldn't believe I would keep a straight face through that.

It was just so painful.

Claude's defining characteristics,

I guess, involve

sex and cream cakes.

I think that's what it boils down to.

They're his two er...north and south.

But he's just an innocent as well.

Most things revolve around where he can get his next cake from.

You're looking very dapper today, Claude.

We're on high alert, Mrs Hepplewhite.

Sergeant Ball has warned me I can't eat no cream cakes

in case the cream falls on my tunic.

That's sensible.

They look nice, though.

I do love 'em.

It's a VIP, see, visiting the area.

Who's that then, Claude?

I can't tell you, Mrs Hepplewhite.

That's more than my job's worth. Security, see?

Official Secrets Act.

Oh, he's so professional, isn't he, Mary?

Yes, he's a credit to his uniform. I've always said it. Ta, love.

So you won't be going to the party tonight then, Claude?

No, no. I'd like to, but...

Do you think I could chance it? Have a cake.

A cream horn. If I'm careful.

I mean, all the cream is held in in a cream horn.

By the pastry, like.

I won't tell anyone, Claude.

Nor me, love.

All right. Just the one.

I'll use my hanky as a bib.

Bugger it!

Oh! No!

He doesn't deal with real people very well, real women.

I think he's fine with blokes. He knows where he stands.

But no, women, he's hopeless.

So...

tell me what you look for first in a woman.

The bit where you do attach the pump.

You are a pervert, aren't you?

I...I don't know.

I bet you get up to all sorts of things.

Oh, aye.

You and Sergeant Ball.

Oh, aye, aye.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Sergeant Ball, he's a married man.

He fathered a child. We don't...

I'm not talking sex.

I'm talking about bending the rules a bit.

Maybe more than a bit.

You're an exciting guy.

I can see that.

Ah...I...

Well, we do move in dangerous circles, like.

You know, big-time criminals and that.

Er...we do often go to nightclubs

and we force petty criminals

to pay us money or we'll arrest them.

Sergeant Ball does the actual forcing,

but I keep watch.

Fascinating.

Ooh.

What's this, then?

That's my torch.

So it is.

What I found difficult was, because I'm a man of such vast intellect...

dumbing down... THEY SNIGGER

Very, very hard. Very hard, that's what I found.

Charlie came very easily to me, I'm not sure why!

This insect video isn't pornographic, Charl'.

We're wasting our time. No-one's going to find them pornographic.

They might. Do you find insects sexy?

Never thought about it. Well, think now!

Yeah. Yes?!

Aye, some insects. Them ones what eat each other while having it off.

Praying mantises - they were on Discovery.

The woman bites the bloke's head off while he's on the job, he carries on without an 'ead.

Yeah, that's believable.

He's got another brain in his arse.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Needless to say, like, but it's not erotic, is it?

It is to praying mantises.

Praying mantises don't buy videos, do they?

I've a particular liking for Hoffman

and the reason I like his character so much is because there is an inference within his character

that he might have a very successful future.

There is something in him -

a spark which suggests good things may happen in his life.

That's true. A lot of people from the Valleys

have difficult childhoods and go on to great things.

There are a lot of talented and intelligent people.

Hoffman is probably the most intelligent person in the series...

I'd say, when it all boils down.

Probably more intelligent than Sgt Ball,

although he has a great practicality which Hoffman doesn't have.

Over the series, I've quite enjoyed

watching Hoffman making more decisions, um...

There were a couple of instances in the later...the later series,

where the whole, sort of,

family unit is stumped about a problem

and Hoffman all of a sudden comes up with the...a way out.

I remember talking to Boyd and he'd said that was a conscious thing,

you know, that Hoffman's intelligence, in comparison to the other characters, um...

came to fruition through the series. That was nice to see and to act.

The truth is, you learn more from failure than success in this business.

It's repeated failure that's got me where I am today!

LAUGHTER

I'm very fond of him, yeah.

I'm very fond of him and his quirks and...

his general attitude and his failure.

People like a failure, as long as they're funny!

Ask him! He might know where he is.

Aye, it's complicated though, see...he don't like me. Why not?

I murdered his best friend, Dixie.

I've got a theory. It was a total accident, but he was so pleased people thought he was a murderer,

that he put his hands up and said, "Yes, I did it."

You know I done time?

Well, it was for the big one...

murder.

Murder?

Yeah. Only second-degree, like.

LAUGHTER

It was a bloke called Dixie.

We was having this disagreement about a second-hand telly and he chased me up onto this roof...

Pulling Richard's hair, he was. Aye. All right, all right, Mam.

Anyway, he went over the edge and fell onto a spike in the garden.

I remember looking down at him...

staring up at me with a spike sticking out of his chest.

What was his last words?

"The hole won't stop going round unless you stick your finger in the aerial socket."

Aw, you boys don't want to fall out over a tart, man.

It's no good, Claude. Hoffman is a parasite!

I thought he was from Blackwood! He always wants what I've got.

No, I don't!

Yes, you do! Keep yer greasy hands off my girl or... Or what?

Or I'll give you a pasting!

I don't think he's a vastly dishonest person.

I think, um...being dealt the hand he's been dealt,

he knows how to grab an opportunity

and make the best of a bad situation.

The two boys have pretty much grown up on the streets.

They could turn out a lot worse.

MUSIC: "The Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

Right, lads... no biting, no scratching,

no head-butting, no strangling,

no clawing at the crown jewels, no kneeing below the waist,

no poisoning, no going for the eyes

and definitely no knifing. Understand?

Can we stick the boot in? No. That should have been on the list. All right, then? Aye. Bring it on.

Let's rumble. Right. Shake hands, back to your corners.

Seconds out. Round one!

Mrs Hepplewhite. BELL RINGS

Ah!

I wasn't looking! He hit me when I wasn't looking!

That's not fair, surely!

Not looking is a big mistake in the boxing ring, Mrs Hepplewhite.

I'll kill him!

He's hiding behind Sgt Ball, man!

Ooh!

I'll kill him! Aaargh!

Fighting is never the answer.

Well, this background I'm still trying to live it down!

Everywhere I go, people bring it up.

You working, love?

No. I'm a widow.

A widow.

Sounds good. What do you do?

Polish ornaments, hoovering, cooking...

Sounds great. How much?

Well, all of it, except when we have takeaways.

I'll give you 30 quid to... polish my ornaments.

30 quid!

Well, I-I would, only I can't now because I'm keeping watch.

Pity. You don't know of another old lady who'll polish 'em for me?

Try outside the bingo when they're coming out.

Yeah? Thanks, Grandma.

Nice one. I'll recommend you to my friends.

Where are you going, Mam? Out, son.

What are you taking the ironing board for?

Well, I might need to do ironing while I'm out. You never know.

In real life, I am not an entertainer.

Oh! There's my mam! Ha ha!

Go on, Mam!

# I'm an old lady... #

You can't bring new folk to this just like that.

It's against the rules, innit? I dunno, Sarge.

Oh, it's not.

MUSIC BLARES FROM TV

Come on, Mam! That's my mam!

Go on, Mam!

When I did the strip...

and the rap, um...

what I loved about that costume

was the number of under layers she had on for the so-called strip.

There were about 4,000 straps.

Like a vest and a that-wide strap and a bra and a...

You name it, I had about six straps that I had to get off one by one.

# I'm an old lady I'm a very old lady

# I'm a sweet old lady and my hair is white

# I'm an old lady with a surgical stocking

# I'm reeling and rocking and I'm 5' 3"! #

The one you were swinging your colostomy bag around in?

It was, er... Steve's wonderful line after that.

"I bet there wasn't a rush for seats in the front row for that."

Actually, the opening dance sequence

contains scenes from five different places

because I thought it sensible to protect the innocent, or guilty, whichever way you look at it!

You should have kept your knickers on.

I didn't want to disappoint my public, son.

No, well, thank God it wasn't in widescreen.

You must be the oldest stripper in Wales, Mrs Hepplewhite.

No. There's a 92-year-old woman

who appears regular every Sunday lunchtime at the Pont-Y-Cwm Social Club, so Mrs Coles tells me.

She finishes her act by disconnecting her colostomy bag

and swinging it round her head.

I bet there's no rush for seats in the front few rows, like!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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