Episode 2 High Hopes

This programme contains adult humour

Hi, Boyd Clack here with another walk down memory lane.

-So, have you ever questioned your sexuality then, Fagin?

-No.

I've never actually talked to it, no.

The mythical village of Cwn-Pen-Ol, Backside Valley,

where our action takes place has been traded in the tradition of Llareggub. from Under Milkwood,

with its panoply of eccentric, yet identifiable inhabitants.

There's Mrs Coles, the shopkeeper, her UFO-obsessed husband, Walter.

Claude, the none too bright constable, always under the sharp eye of Sergeant Ball.

The alcoholic vicar, the endless no-good boyos,

the preening womanisers, the petty thieves and ne'er do wells.

The beautiful women and the desperate men.

Sergeant Ball?

-Yes.

-WPC Holly Nash, I'm your secondment.

Ah, yes, nice to have you with us, Nash.

This is Constable Claude Cox. He's a legend in these parts.

Hello, Constable Cox.

Hi. Very nice to, er...

to meet with your acquaintance, Miss...Ivy?

It's Holly.

Claude will take you on patrol with him, introduce you to the locals, show you round.

Thank you, Sarge, I'll just go and strain the parsnips first, if I may.

Down the stairs, third on the left.

Thank you, Sarge.

-She's a living doll, Sarge.

-Yeah, she is.

Sometimes I'm walking down the road and I see a young couple

approaching with a pram and a couple of children.

25 to 30 yards away, their faces light up and smile.

They come up and talk to me, sometimes calling me Sergeant Ball

and we discuss a particular episode, or some such thing.

To see the joy it brings to people is immensely satisfying.

-I think you might be in there, Claude.

-Me?

-You don't think so, do you?

-I do.

WPCs are notoriously promiscuous, as you know.

This one, she's well educated and intelligent too.

Such woman are often drawn to thick, ugly men for the novelty value.

The more people that we meet in the street that come up to us and talk about it, is we realise

it does touch people's hearts and

because it's about universal themes that everybody can relate to.

It's difficult to pull out one show or one character.

It is so well written, it's so funny and I've lived in the valley

all my life and the humour I'm seeing on screen is something

I've seen and heard all my life. It's bang on.

It can sometimes be an exaggerated humour, which it is,

but we grow up with one-liners, the put downs, the funny.

There's names that pop up all the time, we have nicknames for people.

It's all there on the show.

Oh, Sergeant Ball has sent you two presents.

The first one is this.

Oh, that's fantastic man, that's better than my old one.

Aye, Sergeant Ball discovered it in the bedroom of a house we was investigating after a break-in.

People do always assume it was took by the thieves, like.

It's an old police trick.

Claude was great to play

because he's such a naive fool.

What was great about him was the fact that you could say

all this outrageous stuff, much like Maggie can in the scripts

But there's no...it didn't come across as seedy or horrible.

It could easily have gone in that direction but because of the way

it's been written, and the feel of the whole piece,

they're all sort of innocents and no matter how extreme

some of the language is or the imagery, then, I think.

Because they're innocent and there's not a malicious bone in their body,

you can get away with far more.

What do you think of sexual positions, Mr Hepplewhite?

They're all right.

My favourite is doggy fashion.

For God's sake, Mam, you shouldn't go telling people what your favourite sexual position is!

-Not at your age!

-It's only Claude.

-And in front of the boys.

-The boys don't mind, do you, boys?

-No, it's all right.

-I find it interesting, I do.

Aye.

-What's your favourite sexual position then, Mr Hepplewhite?

-Mine?

In front of the telly with a can of ginger beer in my other hand.

Aye, aye, slapping little Johnny, is it?

He's always doing it, I hear him through the wall some nights.

Mam!

He lost all feeling in one of his arms when he was 15.

Mam, I've had enough of this. I am putting my foot down.

So I enjoyed the innocent, naive aspects of him

as well as being able to say things like, "Back door, Barbara"

and actually visit a couple of sex shops in the process of filming.

That was enjoyable.

What have you been up to late, Claude?

I've purchased a new love doll from that shop in Ponty.

Bendy Wendy her name is.

If the actors are secure in the script

you don't get any egos,

you don't get any problems and one of the reasons we don't on this

is because by and large the work on the scripts are done...

Obviously when I get the script from the writers,

I then work with them until before we start,

and we'll have got the scripts, hopefully, 99%,

as they're going to be done.

So when the actors get the scripts,

and Boyd, incidentally, doesn't have the same ego.

He's open to notes, he'll discuss things and if you say, "This doesn't work, will you have another go?"

His immediate reaction is, "Yes, I'll do it."

There's no, "How dare you touch a line of my manuscript?"

Then when the actors get them, they're, I feel, secure it is a very good script.

So all they have to do is learn the lines and not fall over the furniture.

I normally receive the scripts at my house in London and I'd sit down

with a tea or coffee and pour through them.

I always love it when you have two, three pages

of the boys' scenes that started off plot driven,

you've got to deal with what's happening in the episode

and they'd have a moment of reflection on where they are

and how they came to be here and things.

Will you miss your mam, Charl, when she's living in Australia, like?

Won't make no difference to me.

I never see her now and she's only living in Neath.

My mam's pretty, she is, but...

But what, Charlie?

I used to be in the way, see.

She'd bring a punter home, like.

Well, a punter don't like to see kids about cos it reminds

them of their own kids and wife and it makes them feel guilty and that.

So my mam would wake me up, phone when she was on the way back, like,

and I'd get up and wait outside on the steps till he'd gone.

I like that about comedies, I like that three, four series in,

you can afford yourself the luxury of having a scene

that isn't gag driven, that is character driven.

My mam and dad used to row all the time.

They never hit me, like.

They never talked to me, either.

My mam hit me sometimes.

She used to think I'd pinched money from her purse.

She'd give me a right pasting.

Funny things, mams, boys.

I don't know where I'd be without my mam since my dad died, like.

My mam reckons my dad was either a Leeds United supporter or a coach driver.

Doesn't she know him?

Well, them big car parks are badly lit in the winter.

He paid her in 50p pieces, she remembers that!

What's that you sucking off, man?

Rinstead pastel, Fagin.

What did you get them for?

A sign in the chemist window

said buy Rinstead pastels and get instant oral relief.

We thought it was a special offer, like.

When Boy asked the girl behind the counter she slapped him in the face!

It was only a joke.

When you know a character enough to laugh at them it's even more touching when you find out

tragedy that's happened to them,

because Freud says laughter comes out of tension.

Do you reckon Fagin is mental, Hoff?

-Mental?

-Aye, I mean, a lot of people think he is.

No.

He's sensitive, he is, Charl.

-Mental's when you think you're Jesus or something.

-Oh, right.

I had an uncle who thought he was an horse.

An horse, why did he think that?

I don't know, no-one could ever catch him to ask.

Ex-Teddy boy, Fagin, is haunted by the death of his one-legged father

and his own unintentional murder of his best friend, Dixie.

-Dickie-e-e.

-Dixie?

Is that you?

Yes. I've...I've been wandering in limbo.

Listen, Dixie, I never meant to kill you, I'm sorry.

No, it's out in the cold now.

The second-hand telly you sold me wasn't working proper.

The Golden Shot was on, the vertical hole kept going up and down.

I lost my temper.

I ran over to your house.

Yes, you dragged Richard out of the house by his hair.

I tried to explain, but he wouldn't listen.

Standing there, on that shed roof, I had a brainwave.

All of a sudden I thought, "If I had an accident now,

"right there and then in view of all the people watching,

"then they couldn't say I was making it up! I'd get on the sick."

I only wanted to get on the sick.

I decided to fall off the shed roof and say my back was buggered.

My plan went perfectly except for one unseen snag.

The upturned spike hidden in the deep grass in the garden below.

Aye, I landed on it, flat on my back.

I stared down at it raising out of my chest like an harpoon.

I remember your face looking down at me, like a big, suet pudding.

Then everything faded.

Fagin, with his history of repeated failure, he's a broken man.

A sad case, as he's often referred to.

On top of all this he is bedevilled with piles, pleurisy

and he's dogged by an hallucinatory baboon by the name of Loping Ted.

Oh, from his dim and distant past, I would imagine.

Total figment of his imagination, but I guess people do get it.

I've never heard of anyone being haunted by a baboon before.

It can happen, I suppose.

A baboon he was.

Loping Ted.

A figment of my imagination the shrink said he was.

It was easy enough for him to say!

He didn't have the hairy bastard swinging in and out

of his bedroom window at all hours of the night and sticking

his fingers up his nose trying to wake him up!

I love a lot of them, actually, they were wonderful.

I...I...yes, same here.

There's three or four that really stood out for me. One was, erm...

I loved the one where he thought he was farting himself to death.

I thought that was just so absurd.

Wonderful, gems of scenes in it with the doctor and so on.

HE FARTS

Oh, it smells like an Afghan brothel in here.

-Hepplewhite, what have you been eating?

-Nothing, doctor.

So what's the problem?

I've been breaking wind with unnatural frequency and ferocity, doctor.

Charming! These are your medical notes.

Look, you see what's stamped on the cover in red.

"Recidivist neurotic". What does that mean?

It's medical speak for nutter.

That episode with my mother coming back is probably my favourite.

It was lovely to work with somebody else in the group of four of us

because before that I don't think we'd had a lot of scenes

with other characters in the house.

It was nice for me to have that mother figure to act with.

Mam, mam!

-Hello, how's tricks?

-Great, great.

Hoff, Hoff, this is my mam.

-All right?

-Fagin, Mrs Hepplewhite, this is her.

Lisa, who played my mother, was absolutely brilliant in it as well.

-And this is the post box.

-It's very nice.

They don't pick up letters from it no more, like, because the postman do get attacked and that.

Aye, but it still works and that.

You can still put letters in it, like.

Aye.

But it was a nice, different dynamic into the group.

Sergeant Ball!

-He's a copper.

-No, he's all right.

All right, Sarge?

All right, lads. Who's this, then?

-It's my mam.

-Oh, yes, please to meet you, madam.

Likewise, I'm sure. Charlie, here's a fiver, go to the shop and get some sweets for you and your friend.

-Can we get Rinstead pastels from the chemist instead?

-Whatever.

Oh, great. Come on, Hoff.

So, you're the law around here, are you?

It was nice for me to stretch my wings a bit because it was

the first episode where I had a bit more to do.

They must be a burden to you both.

No, they're lovely boys, both of them.

I don't know what we'd do without them. We love them both, don't we, Richard?

When you have a character like Mam that Boyd clearly loves writing,

he invents almost, on a series basis,

a new bit of her history that we've not heard of.

It is invariably funny but it is also invariably told

without any degree of salaciousness.

I mean, Mam could talk matter of factly about things

which take away any nastiness from them,

although some of the things that she clearly got up to in her past were fairly racy.

I used to ride horses on my Uncle Lewis's farm when I was a girl.

It was on a horse that the idea of becoming an erotic entertainer first came to me.

Ah, well, let's not go into that now, Mam, shall we?

I used to ride bareback along those cobbled roads.

I had my first orgasm on a horse.

Oh, for God's sake, Mam!

A woman your age shouldn't be talking about having orgasms!

Why not? I talk about caravan holidays

and I've never had one of those for 20 years either.

The fact that she's been an erotic dancer

and she's had lovers galore.

I used to be an erotic dancer, you see.

Really?

-Me too!

-Never!

-What's your name?

-Daisy O'Toole.

I used to perform under the name of Margaret Evans.

-What's your name?

-Elsie Hepplewhite.

My stage name was Fifi Lamour.

Not THE Fifi Lamour?

-Yes!

-Good God!

-You're a legend!

-Oh!

Now, is it true that you once demonstrated

68 sexual positions in front of Aneurin Bevan?

Yes. In the Conservative Club at Ton Pentre.

He's never laughed so much in all of his life, he said.

There were many lines I never wanted to say, but...

my director always

insisted that I said them.

And I'd say, "But she wouldn't say that," and he said,

"That's why it'll get a laugh."

And he was always right, unfortunately.

And it did.

Once or twice with Margaret, who is a lovely, hugely experienced actress,

there has been once or twice where,

although she enjoys and loves the character,

even she has been slightly shocked.

There we go, have a glass of this lovely Nasti Spumante.

Fantastic!

Oh, cheers, Mrs Hepplewhite.

-That's not Asti Spumante you've got there, mind.

-No, I don't like it.

It gives me wind.

Mine's a penis colada.

We learned early on that the way in which the character can get away

with it is to enjoy telling the story.

So I would say to Margaret, "You've just done that passage, and it was right, and you'll get the laughs,

"but there was a feeling you were slightly shocked by it

"or disapproving, and you mustn't do that.

"If you say it with either in a totally matter-of-fact way

"or if you actually enjoy it, then the audience will as well."

That's the only time Maggie ever needs some direction.

She's an instinctively good actress and a good player.

-..reckons he's an Oedipus.

-A what?

It's Italian, Mam. It means he wants to shag old women.

-Do you think so?

-Well, yes. Yeah, I do.

People say it's not like the valleys, but it is.

It's a little bit more extended, but I like the fact

they're all a bit like people in the valleys. Fab.

I like all of them, but it's got to be Mrs Hepplewhite.

She is a rare character.

-Do you know anyone like her?

-No. I wish I had a gran like her, mind!

-That'd be all right, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

-Mam reminds me so much of my nan!

-Really?

-Yeah.

-There is an official branch of the Mafia in Wales.

-Is there?

Oh, aye. The Taffia, it's called.

The Welsh-speaking Mafia.

They make you an offer you can't understand.

Hey, good one! Good one!

Really good writing, and just funny and just a lovely programme to watch.

I have heard some people suggest that High Hopes

somehow portrays a limited or even negative view of Welsh society.

I couldn't disagree with that more.

Oh, Harriet. What do you want?

I'm Charlie's mother. I've come to see him.

Charlie's mother? The prostitute?

Well, it's better than walking the streets.

Sit down, love. Would you like a cup of tea? It's already made.

Ta.

So, how much do you charge, then?

Standard rates.

Special discount for OAPs and groups.

I'm a businessman myself, see, an entrepreneur, like.

-Yeah, Charlie mentioned it on his postcard.

-Aye, aye.

Aye, he's a good lad, is Charlie.

Here we are, then. These biscuits are 80p a packet in the pound shop.

The boys, who have bought into Fagin's delusions in many ways

act as a catalyst for adventure and fun.

Both of them are as dull as brushes and as good as gold.

'Ey, there should be a programme on about ganja, Charl.

We should suggest it. Hey, we could present it!

Like Ant and Dec's Saturday Takeaway.

Great idea! But what would we call it?

Top Gear.

Which was your favourite ever show?

I'm not sure, because most of them were really good.

You can't just pick one.

They're just so amazing and they just crack me up all the time.

Oh, there have been a few that I really enjoyed.

I enjoyed the rap one. That was good.

I enjoyed the Prince of Wales one.

That was OK, the fact she just didn't believe it was the Prince of Wales, you know?

Prince Charles? You're having me on.

Very good, though. You might win.

And then there was the one with Howell Bennett,

when Bob came down the stairs

in his frock and I nearly died.

Well?

-You look lovely, son.

-Unbelievable! Aye, unbelievable.

I feel a right wally.

And I liked the one with Chris Needs on the phone.

A lot of people, apparently, a number of people have said,

"Oh, the one I liked was that one on the phone."

How did you decide which one of us to keep?

We kept the ugliest one.

We thought the other one would have more of a chance in life anyway.

Well, if I'm the one that got the looks,

God help him, that's all I can say.

It was weird for me to do intimate scenes, close scenes, and not be with Steve.

So I had to learn to trust somebody else.

# We are young, we run free

# We got teeth, nice and clean See our friends

# See the sights

# Feel all right

# We wake up, we go out

# Smoke a fag, put it out

# See our friends, see the sights Feel all right

# And we like you,

# I can be sure

# Off the scene as she turns

# We are strange in our hearts But we are young

# We get by

# Don't go mad, ain't got time

# Sleep around, if we like But we're all right... #

-Arm wrestle.

-Aye, all right.

-Yes!

-Best of three.

All right. No, argh! Hang on.

Oh, I've hurt my neck.

You all right? Yeah. I think I've pulled something.

Oh, it hurts like hell.

Oh, I can't get at it properly.

-Rub it for me, Charlie.

-Er, aye, all right.

Argh! Oh, yeah!

Oh!

-Oh, lovely!

-I gotta go!

All right?

Where will you go, love?

-Cardiff, Mrs Hepplewhite.

-Oh!

I'll just drift along in the gay scene.

I suppose I'll end up where all gay young blokes from the valleys end up.

Working for S4C, is it?

We'll stand by you.

We all will. It's not your fault.

we don't love you any the less.

No, right enough. It's just bad luck, it is.

-Thanks, Mrs Hepplewhite.

-You've always got a home here.

I'm proud of you, I am.

I saw a woman on TV, on Tricia, and she was wearing a T-shirt

with "I'm proud of my gay son"

written on the front of it. I'll get one.

I'll wear it all the time. I'll show them, Mrs Coles, the lot of them.

Er, hang on, Mam.

I'm your son!

All right. "I'm proud of my son's gay apprentice"

I'll have on the front.

-Is that all right?

-Aye. Aye.

My mam said I can go and live with her and her new bloke in Australia.

But I don't want to live in Australia.

All that sunshine and beaches and beautiful birds in bikinis.

When we say in each episode we like to have a certain sort of theme,

I think the overall theme of all of them is human kindness and

love, for want of a better word!

Why don't I want to live in Australia?

Because you're Welsh, man!

Welsh blokes don't like that.

We like the rain. You know?

And misty mountains and drunken tarts in high heels

and mini skirts up to their arses!

Aye, you're right!

Ball's justice is based on good and evil and right and wrong

and not on a list of man-made rules.

Indeed, he is not averse to a little bit of chicanery himself.

You must be lonely, Sergeant Ball.

Well, I would be, Mrs Hepplewhite, but I'm on drugs.

What drugs are you on, Sergeant Ball?

Ecstasy, Mrs Coles. It takes the edge off.

Where do you get hold of them, then, Sergeant Ball?

I confiscated them off Paul Starkey, a well-known drug dealer and halfwit from Treforest, Mrs Coles.

Treforest Gump, people call him. Don't they, Sarge?

Amongst other things, yes.

Claude thinks Sergeant Ball is...

well, a rock, he's his father figure

and he's also his best friend, and he knows he's

sort of safe with him and he'll do his best to please him at all times.

I'm off, Claude.

Constance and Angel will be waiting for me.

-Good to have a family.

-Aye.

Still, I'll be all right.

-You won't be lonely?

-No, no, no, no.

I'll be fine, Sarge.

I'll finish slicing the turkey and then I'll take some sandwiches

down to Filbert Phillips and his brothers in the cells.

It's only fair, them having acquired the bird in the first place.

I ain't giving Malcolm and the elves none, though.

They can whistle for it.

Then I'll have my own Christmas supper, get my head down

and wait for Santa.

Fair enough. Good night, Claude, then.

And a very merry Christmas to you.

So long, Arthur.

# I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. #

And I think he's probably seen Claude through a lot of

strange stuff that he's done on his own and sort of helped him out.

So I think he sort of loves Sergeant Ball, in a sort of fraternal and paternal way.

I am a police sergeant, and I'm a right bastard. You ask anyone.

I am not in a good mood, so I'll get straight to the point.

I have a friend who is being driven to suicide by his agoraphobia,

and I want you to treat him. Now. Immediately.

His name is Richard Hepplewhite.

He's a local businessman. He won't be on his own.

His mother will be with him, and his two lodgers.

And a police constable named Claude Cox.

Do not mess me about.

All right, yeah.

-Do you know the show?

-Yes. It's a brilliant show.

I am familiar with it. I've seen a number of episodes

being filmed and I've seen it on telly again, and it translates well.

It's very funny when you're in the studio and it's very funny when it's on telly.

It really gives that valleys humour, typical valleys humour.

The success of High Hopes...

I honestly can't say it's surprised me, because I like it,

and from my point of view, I can see why people like it.

I think it has qualities that address ordinary people.

I'm an ordinary person myself, and I talk in the same language as ordinary people.

I'm very pleased how successful it is.

I get kissed on the cheek and I give you a kiss on the cheek.

I was trying shoes on the other day in a shop and there was one guy

standing there, and he was watching me trying these shoes on, and he said, "Where's Fagin?"

I said, "Actually, he's in South America at the moment."

And then a guy approached from the side, and he said, "Can I kiss you on the cheek?

"Well, can I kiss you?" So I proffered the side of my face.

He kissed me. He said, "There we are."

"When I see you on the box now, I can say, 'I've kissed her.'"

Does your mother like Thai cuisine?

-'Ey? Why are you taking my mam to the pictures?

-Just a date.

-A date?

-Yeah.

Like, with a girl, like?

Well, yeah!

-But my mam is 75!

-I know.

I'm not worried. I like older women.

Hang on, hang on, are you telling me that you are

after my mam?

It would be nice if we could develop a friendship, that we'll click, but I wouldn't force her uninvited.

'Ere, now, hang on, hang on. Let's get this straight.

Hello, Jamie, love.

Elsie! Wow!

You look a million dollars!

-These are for you.

-Thank you, Jamie.

Ah, Richard, look.

Put them in a nice vase for me.

You...

-You can't go to the pictures with him, Mam!

-Why not?

Because. Because he fancies you!

-No, he's just being friendly, that's all.

-No, no, Mam!

Elsie, we'd better be off.

Film starts at seven.

-Bye, son. Don't wait up.

-No, Mam!

-Mam! Mam!

-DOOR SHUTS

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