Episode 3 High Hopes

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR.

Hi. Boyd Clack here with another stroll down memory lane.

Coming up, we see Charlie and Hoffman in action.

The boys out on the razz in the big city.

And a sheep falling from the sky.

-If I could have one wish, it would be to get my leg over.

-Me an' all!

Each episode has a title and the title is always taken from a film,

quite popular films.

This was an idea that Kirsten came up with in the first series.

I find it interesting because it gives a sort of an idea...

..a nuance of what it's about.

It doesn't necessarily follow the film's story,

but it is a reinterpretation of the idea of the title, quite often.

Once in a blue moon, we actually use the storyline of the film itself.

Fate have presented us with the opportunity

to go down in criminal history

as the gang who lifted Tom Jones' dickie.

Pull me up, Hoff! I've got it!

Right, Fage. Pull him up, byt.

-It's the back, mun. It's gone!

-What the bloody hell you doing?!

Because of Ben's unavailability,

we made the decision, which is not without precedent in TV,

instead of introducing a new character, you change the actor.

I'm bored, I am. What's that book you're reading, Hoff?

Astral Projection.

That's another word for diarrhoea, innit?

No! It's about ghosts and that. I found it in a skip.

And it's actually quite galling for actors to realise

some of the public don't notice.

You seldom get any letters.

You might get a letter saying, "Has he lost weight?" or something,

but they seldom twig.

This happened for years in narrative comedy where leads have changed.

My Mam used to sing to me when she was getting to ready to go to work.

She'd work in the rain?

Aye. Rain's no hindrance to the sex trade.

It do make some men horny, my Mam said.

She'd wear wellies and everything.

Stepping into an established programme,

playing an established character,

was very daunting at first.

I was aware of how popular the programme was

and I lived in London for the first couple of years when it came out,

so I missed it but I remember coming back home

and everyone in my family raving about High Hopes.

It was difficult. It was really difficult.

I watched an episode and I expected me to come on.

What we'd managed to build

and why, I think, the series was so successful

is that we built the family.

We all loved each other,

got on each other's nerves, and we had that family unit.

So to be taken out of it was... You know, it was difficult.

And obviously, I see Margaret a lot. She is...like my gran, you know.

I speak to her as much as I can on the phone.

So to be out of that was... It was hard at first.

But you know, it was circumstances and it wasn't meant to be.

But it's a massive part of my life

and I always say about playing Charlie and what an honour it was

and a great five years, and to create something and see it grow.

We had something very, very special.

It was a privilege to come into work every day and laugh.

Did you use the Bosnian washing up liquid to get the cocoa off?

Sorry, Fage. We was gonna swap them back in the morning.

Can't even take it back and get the reward now.

No. It's beyond repair.

It doesn't matter.

A loving family have been reunited. That's reward enough.

Aye, Mam's right there.

Don't you worry, boys.

The truth is, in this business you learn more from failure than success.

It's repeated failure that's got me where I am today.

It was a scary thing. It was quite short notice.

But maybe in reflection, that was good

because there wasn't too much time to think or stress about it,

or wind myself up.

It was...flying by the seat of your pants, kind of thing! Just do it!

How did your mother get into prostitution in the first place?

Was she abandoned penniless by a brutal husband?

No. She just slipped into it.

-She studied it for a bit in college.

-There's a college for prostitutes?

One would imagine she would have learned her trade on the job.

I remember the day she sat her final exams. I had to wait in a cafe.

She had practical in the morning and oral in the afternoon.

It was great. He brought something very new and different to Charlie.

Hey. Look, Hoff.

Oh, aye.

I'll jump over.

Charl...

And then sort of acting the other side

of something so new and different is a new challenge.

It sort of changed the dynamic of the relationship a little bit.

-Very slick, brother.

-Aye. Textbook bit of thieving.

I remember the first day in the studio,

having never done that before.

I remember being really worried, thinking,

"How am I going to get received?"

I've seen other programmes like Neighbours when people get replaced

and I've gone "Urgh." I don't like that myself.

So I was worried about that.

But I had so much fun doing it and the audience responded really well.

After that first day in the studio I became really comfortable with it.

By the second series, all those thoughts had gone away by then.

Painting's alright.

Like they say, if you can piss you can paint.

£80 each, byt!

I know.

That's triple what we'd earn entrepreneuring in a week!

It's more than triple! It's...fourple.

The problem is, it's more or less honest work innit?

Aye. That's what worries me.

What are people going to think?

What's Fage and his mam going to think?

-They'd think we'd let them down.

-We'd be shunned by society, Hoff.

I'm surprised at you. Surprised and disappointed.

You'd better pack up or friends as we are, I'll be forced to nick you.

The thing is...

Me and Charlie have been hired by the bloke to do the painting.

He's gone on holiday.

He's paying us, like.

Paying you?

Yeah.

£80 each.

Ah. This is worse than I thought.

Honest work is a mug's game, lads!

It won't happen again, Sergeant Ball. Honest.

Well, if it's just the once.

It's only for four days.

You won't tell Fagin, will you?

I'll let it go. This time.

But you lads want to seriously consider your actions in future.

You've got your good names to think of

and the good name of the Hepplewhite family too.

Right, Sergeant Ball. Sorry.

I think Sergeant Ball...

..is a very, very confident man.

I don't think that he would demean himself

to be in competition with others for a job.

I think he's quite happy where he is.

He gets a lot of money, by various nefarious means in the main.

And I don't think Claude would be capable of getting another job.

If he did he'd end up on litter duty in the Isle of White or something!

So what was it like with that policewoman, Claude?

A real woman, like?

Oh yes. Tell us, Claude. Did you do it right?

Well I don't know, Mrs Hepplewhite.

It was all over so fast.

One minute she was clutching my torch and the next...

So you didn't actually insert Challenger 2, then?

I don't think so, no.

But she did kiss me.

But I've never kissed anyone with teeth before.

I felt a bit sick, I did.

All in all, I'll stick to what I know in future.

I liked the show, it was good.

Who's your favourite character?

It's a cross between the Charlie and Hoff characters.

They play against each other.

No one in my family has ever worked.

Oh. Except my Uncle Neville. He ran away to join a circus.

He was a human cannonball for nearly a year.

What happened then?

They fired him.

I like the chemistry they have.

And Mrs Hepplewhite. She's the classic old granny.

You don't think it might be them, do you?

Them?

Aliens.

They might not be like us.

They might be like big octopuses!

Perhaps that's why the knocking is so quiet.

They may be tapping on the door with their testicles.

The last thing I wanted to do was to try and copy Ben.

I'm not Ben. I wasn't interested in coming at it from that angle.

What's funny about him and what's great about it

is in the writing anyway.

So I was just playing off the rhythms in the writing

and generally the way it's written.

I think you can't go far wrong if you keep that in mind.

It's a vendetta, man.

No, Fage. A vendetta is a sort of ice cream, byt.

Aye, alright.

You'd have to ask other people about me,

but I'm not aware of too many egos.

We enjoy doing it. It's a good job.

Two fit young lads like you up a ladder with no criminal intent?

Sorry, Fage.

He interrupted us half-inching the stuff

and then he offered us £80 each and it's easy work.

As an actor you always want to find new challenges and things like that.

Not that you were a massive challenge!

We were sort of drawn into it, Fage.

I understand what you're saying, boys.

It's the principle, innit?

What would happen to society if everyone got a job?

Sorry, Fage.

Work is a curse, myn. It's a surrender to mediocrity.

I did have a great experience.

I was learning my lines one day, sitting in a pub.

This woman sat down alongside me with her husband.

They said they very much enjoyed High Hopes.

He said, "What's it like doing it?"

I said, "It's nice to make people smile."

His wife, who hadn't yet said anything, said,

"I do that for a living as well."

I said, "What do you do?", she said "I make false teeth!"

Totally true!

There'll never be another Bonnie Tyler.

She kept me rational when I was in the slammer.

I'd be lying in my bunk in the long, hot summer afternoon

in just my underpants, like.

Listening to her singing 'Lost in France' over and over on my walkman.

And I'd imagine she was there.

I'd hop off my bunk, quiet like.

And I'd creep up behind her.

-And I'd... I'd...

-Aye?

Ah. I was getting quite carried away there for a minute.

Aye, me and all!

Richard wrote to her dozens of times when he came out of prison.

Telling her how he felt about her, asking if they could meet.

Did she write back?

No. Her lawyers did, though.

Apart from being cured of his agoraphobia and claustrophobia,

I would think a lot of money and a woman.

And... You never married?

No, no. I've been saving myself.

Interest free, like.

I've had no luck in romance roulette, either.

But, but you're beautiful!

You must have had blokes hanging round you like flies round shi..!

All your life!

That's not what a girl wants!

She wants one decent bloke. Just one.

And I've never found him.

I'll tell you, Richard. I'm a gypsy.

I've been roaming all my life.

And to have a home in just one place.

There's a lot to be said for it.

Would you like a Spam sandwich?

You know, I think I would.

You old dog, Fage!

Aye. Woof woof, innit?

Shush, boys! Esmeralda will be down in a minute!

Ooh! Esmeralda!

Fancy a woman having a bath in our bath!

Aye. It's a wonderful thought, innit?

Hey, what's she like, Fage?

Very nice!

He fancies her, Hoff!

You can tell, his face has gone red!

No, no, no. She's lovely, she is!

Ask her if she'd like to see your loofah, byt!

I don't think he quite knew what to do.

He'd forgotten how. But I think it all came back.

You know I told you nothing interesting happened?

-When you was in hospital?

-Yes, son?

Well, I wasn't strictly telling the truth.

Something interesting did happen.

I'm going to be a dad!

One of the odd things is people say,

"You don't sound like him." I say, "Thank God for that!"

He's got a very peculiar voice.

Who's this?

It's Kurt Stable, Richard!

The boys met him in a public toilet!

He's a world famous drummer!

Aye. Well his drumming days are over!

What?

He's dead, boys.

Dead as a dildo!

Also, people think he's thick.

Which he may be, but... Who knows?

They tend to associate you very much with the character.

But they do love it. I mean, it's constant love that you get from it.

People come up to you with huge smiles, it's very gratifying.

I've no idea why she's a heroine, but she's incredibly popular.

The word that I get from everybody that I meet...

I get strange women on the street that go, "Oh, come here!"

and they give me a hug!

They love it!

It isn't 'like' or 'enjoy'.

'Love' is the word that comes every time.

And the messages I get from the men...

"Can you give me your autograph? It's for my husband."

Oh. And somebody else, "Can you give me your... It's for my husband."

There's some strange men around.

What we gonna do, Mam?

Maybe you should call Sergeant Ball.

No! If this got out our name would be mud!

Getting local girls into trouble

is the work of ne'er-do-well's and milkmen!

Not respectable boys like you!

You sure it's neither of you?

Well, you can never be totally sure, can you?

Well, she's very pretty!

Who's a lovely girl, then?

Hoffman had a baby sister. You know a bit about them, don't you Hoff?

Aye. Aye, a bit.

BABY CRIES

What the hell's this, now?

She's hungry!

Was there any milk with her?

No. Just some bottles, spare clothes and nappies.

They're all bottle fed, these days.

Breast is best.

You won't get any argument here, Mrs Hepplewhite!

Did you breastfeed Fage, Mrs Hepplewhite?

No, it wasn't possible.

Why not?

He was born with teeth.

Good God!

Yes. It was very rare, the doctor said.

And the dentist.

A freak occurrence. Unnatural, they said it was. Grotesque.

Alright, alright Mam!

We got the picture!

Favourite episodes.

The one that sticks in my mind is the Dean Tantrum episode.

Alright, Charl?

I've come to see Mr Hepplewhite.

I got that thing you wanted, Mr Hepplewhite.

Oh, right. Thanks, byt.

-Here's the money.

-Ta.

There you go, Mr Hepplewhite. Nice doing business with you.

I've never heard, in a studio, a laugh that loud

as when Mam comes out and says...

Everyone's tip-toeing around Dean Tantrum

because he stinks and is psycho.

You alright?

Oh. Aye.

What's the matter?

Nothing!

Lack of vitamins! He do always swoon, like.

Here we are! Nice cup of tea!

Hello Dean, love.

What's that terrible smell?

It's disgusting! Like a rat has died and rotted away!

You can smell it, can't you Richard?

No, no! I can't smell nothing, Mam!

-Nor me!

-Nor me!

And Mam just walks out, in the way that only Maggie John can,

that sweet voice, and say...

Oh my God, Dean, love. You smell like a bucket of shit.

I could smell you from over there.

I've never heard anywhere near... I've done 10 series in the studio.

It was like a wall of noise.

As a matter of fact, I could smell you from the kitchen!

I thought they were burning something outside!

You take a tip from me, love. You have a bath every day.

And put stuff on to stop you smelling!

Sphinx, that's what they use.

She's going senile, she is.

We've seen it coming for years but we've tried to keep it secret.

Right.

Very many. Mostly on location, I guess, the scenes that stick out.

Being at the top of a mountain with a helicopter circling overhead,

in the pissing rain.

At about two o'clock in the morning,

waiting for a sheep to be dropped on someone's head.

That sort of sums up the series, I think.

The weirdness of it.

But still, it was a good laugh even then.

We were having fun even though it was muddy and boggy.

It's just been... Fun.

It's been such a gas over the last six years.

Hopefully it will continue to be so.

Sergeant Ball. A good governor, is he?

Oh, the best.

As hard as a rhinoceros' gall stone.

He don't take no nonsense, either.

Punch first, and forget about the questions. That's his motto.

He likes beating people senseless in public urinals.

Really?

I don't think Claude's interested in upholding the law.

He'll do whatever Sergeant Ball says, basically.

If Sergeant Ball told him to murder someone, he probably would,

because it's probably for the best.

I think the law aspect of it is he gets to put on a costume every day.

He enjoys that and he hangs out with his mates.

If I had a little sideline,

you know, where I could pick up a couple of quid on the side,

he'd be alright with that?

As long as he got his cut.

So yeah, he was good fun.

And just being wilfully stupid, that's always fun to play.

And I got to fall over a few times, which I enjoy.

-After him, Claude!

-Right, Serge!

Sergeant Ball doesn't see himself as putting up with Claude.

I think, in a way, Sergeant Ball sees himself as a carer.

Serge. She wants to come to my private flat, where I live.

You're in there, Claude. Told you didn't I?

What'll I do, Sarge?

Just go with the flow, you'll be alright.

Let her think you're a bit of a lad. Into this, into that.

It'll do the trick, believe me.

Right.

I'm afraid, I am, Sarge.

That's half the fun, Claude. It's half the fun.

I think Sergeant Ball is aware that it takes all types in this world.

And all types of people deserve to do different things.

All policemen can't go around in the way that we imagine.

There are some people in the police force...

People are inadequate in this world.

I think Ball is very, very gentle and understanding of people's inadequacy.

Oh... It came free with Dominant Doris.

I only used it the once, I sprained my wrist.

I like some lines sometimes when Claude and Ball are together.

They're going to get a criminal.

Ball says, "If there's any nonsense, leave it to me."

Claude says, "Right, Sarge."

He says, "Right, Sarge." As though he could do anything anyway!

What's wrong, Sarge?

Do not call me Sarge.

'Sarge' is TV cop talk. I detest it.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Sorry, Sarge.

Maggie John is great.

She's just fantastic in it.

She can make a line that seems terrible and incredibly rude

sound so innocent and lovely.

I think she's really sweet, as well.

I think she's the superstar of the program, really.

I had a brief affair with a great gentleman once.

He gave me a little statue of a werewolf standing on his hind legs

with an enormous erection.

I've still got it in my bedroom.

I keep my rings on it.

Mam, myn!

I would think, over the years... Shocking but not surprising.

Or surprising but not shocking. A combination of both.

Young girls today, they're too fussy, they are!

I never turned any man down.

Not as long as he was clean and tidy.

Alright, Mam.

I think he's past being shocked, but he is totally surprised

by the cartwheels with nae knickers, and so on, that she gets up to.

The ex-lovers who appear.

What I enjoyed about Hoffman...

When you're playing someone with such a simple view of life,

they're either happy or sad. They're either full or empty.

Hey, look at this! The circus is in town!

-We don't want no trouble, boys.

-No.

I don't like clowns.

They reverberate at a deep level of my psyche.

OK, Stabber. You keep your psychological analysis to yourself.

All I'm interested in is giving someone a kicking!

We're only down for the night. We're cowards, we are.

Valleys boys! There's nothing I likes more than kicking valleys boys!

I once...

I've never been so cold in my life, filming the jacuzzi scene!

I think that's testament to our acting, mind.

We got in there as if, "Oh! It's a bit toasty!"

It was freezing!

The girls were much better with it.

-But women have...

-We were in bits, weren't we?

-I don't want him to see my winkie.

-Get in, then!

I think girls are harder than men, in that respect.

They can get into cold seas and rivers far...

Maybe it's just me! I'm soft!

So what's going on here?

-He's not your dad, is he?

-No. He's my husband!

Oh no!

He's my dad.

-We didn't know they was your...

-Ah, don't fuss yourselves!

This is Cardiff! I'm a man of the world!

-Oh.

-Aye. Us and all!

I'll just pop upstairs, slip these clothes off and be back to join you!

Shall we wait for daddy?

Don't worry. My husband is like an ambidextrous golfer.

He swings both ways!

Ah, shit.

C'mon, c'mon.

Oh! Oh!

Open the door!

Drive! They're going to kill us!

Sorry about not taking my underpants off, Hoff.

That's alright, Charl.

No. No, it was silly.

I mean, if you're going to... You know...

Have rumpy pumpy?

Aye. You've got to take your underpants off, don't you?

They wasn't your underpants though, were they?

They was Fage's.

I didn't think I'd like wearing another bloke's underpants.

-But I do.

-Aye, me and all.

They might look a bit naff but they're very comfy.

Bloody typical! It was beautiful in Cardiff.

Pissing down as soon as we get back to Cwm Penol!

Mind you, we nearly blew it, more than once!

I don't think I'll be spending much time in Cardiff!

Nor me. Them girls are alright, mind!

Look, Hoff. The light's on. They've stayed up for us, byt.

We won't tell them what happened.

We'll just say we went there and had a few pints, like.

-Home, sweet home, Hoff.

-Aye. Home, sweet home, Charl.

People say it's not like the valleys, but it is.

A little more extended,

but I like the fact they're like people in the valleys.

I love the show.

Love it. Watched it for years. Since it started.

It's so well written, so funny.

I love the show. I think it's really good.

It really gives that valleys humour. Typical valleys humour.

I love all of them but it's got to be Mrs Hepplewhite.

She's a rare character!

It's mine and my dad's religion!

Just sitting with dad. Just watching it.

I'm so happy that people like the show so much.

It fills me with joy.

Subtitles by Red Bee Ltd.