The Sleepover Him & Her

This programme contains strong language

-You'd better get it out.

-You dropped it!

-I really need a piss.

-Well, don't piss on it!

-Are you gonna get it out or not?

-I'm not touching it!

Think of all the things I've done in there.

This programme contains strong language

How much would I have to pay you to eat it?

Fuck it.

-Oh, Becky!

-What shall I do with it?

-Don't put it near me. It's dripping!

-Stop shouting!

-Don't put it in the sink!

-Oh, for God's sake!

-HE GASPS

I'm never having a bath, ever again!

Cos you're always having baths, aren't you(?)

Do you want some water?

URINE TRICKLES

-TRICKLING STOPS

-Steve?

I can't wee and talk at the same time.

Make sure it all goes in the loo.

-URINE TRICKLES

-Eugh!

You know, one of the perks of living with you

is every time I need the toilet, I get to tread in your wee.

TOILET FLUSHES

-You planned saying that, didn't you?

-Yep.

-Does Laura know we're getting up early?

-Yeah, I told her.

You all right?

Yeah.

You're putting toothpaste on your head.

I've got a spot coming. It dries the skin out.

Of course it does.

What are we gonna do if one of us dies?

We're not gonna die.

HE SIGHS

We look a bit like each other.

Fuck off!

HE GROWLS PLAYFULLY

Steve!

Do you think you'd be upset if Laura died?

No, but if she died,

-do you think you'd feel genuinely sad, or start to feel better after an hour or so?

-Steve.

-What?

-She's my sister.

(I think I'd probably like her more if she was dead.)

That's better.

Oh, Laura was such a nice person.

She was really intelligent, she said such interesting things.

I miss her so much!

-Why couldn't they take me instead?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Becks, I really need my poo now.

OK, Laur. We're nearly done.

No-one needs a poo this time of night.

OK, Steve.

Was that an impression of my mum?

-Becks, the loo roll's wet!

-Have a look in the cupboard.

Fine, I'll do impressions of your mum, then.

-(AS STEVE'S MUM)

-OK, Steve.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I'm a silly little bitch

and my husband basically walks all over me

and I've got a shit sense of humour

and I go to church. LAURA FARTS, GRUNTS

Wow.

-It's no worse than what you said.

-Bloody hell!

Paul, mate, are you gonna put some clothes on?

-HE GRUNTS

-I wanna sleep with my knob out.

HE CLEARS THROAT OK.

-Shell, can you move your head?

-SHE MUMBLES

Shell!

Can you move your head, Shelly? I need to get an egg.

SHE WHIMPERS

Come on, mate. Put your pants back on.

Are you gonna make that bitch clean her fucking teeth?

Just put something on, yeah?

In the morning her breath's like cat shit.

YOU STINK OF CAT SHIT!

Put your clothes on, Paul.

She kisses me in the morning.

It's like kissing a...a fucking litter tray!

Paul!

Stop shouting, Paul. You're causing a disturbance.

Come on, mate.

-Did I tell you about Karleshia, Becks?

-Yeah.

-She's the one whose job I'm overtaking.

-Yeah, you said.

It's like a fairy story.

One minute she's on the perfume counter at Boots,

-the next minute, she's on X Factor.

-You said, Laur.

They put her through to Bootcamp, but she didn't make the finals cos it's fixed.

Karleshia?

All I'm saying is, everything happens for a reason and you make your own luck.

Hm, Laura, you've got toothpaste on your cheek.

I've got a spot coming, Steve.

It dries the skin out.

Well, you both look absolutely lovely.

Eugh, Becky!

You'll be the ones with the hangovers.

Julie Taylor said you get talent spotters

hanging round the perfume counter looking for the next Jordan.

Yes, I know, Laur. You were telling us in the pub.

I mean, I know I'll never be a WAG,

but there's plenty of other things you can do -

be a trendsetter, or a famous novelist.

You OK to go to sleep now, Laur? We're getting up early, remember?

Well, sorry, everyone. I thought this was meant to be a sleepover

to celebrate my new career, but obviously I've become mistaken.

It's not a sleepover. You missed your bus.

You'll know this, Steve.

When Julie Taylor goes to sleep, she's completely nude.

OK, Laura.

She wears nothing, not a stitch.

She's completely and utterly nude apart from a pair of wax earplugs.

OK, that's enough about Julie Taylor, Laura.

Don't worry, Becks. She's not interested in Steve.

She's shagging a Chinaman.

Laura!

OK, fine, I'll keep myself to myself.

Good night, everyone.

-Good night, Laura.

-Good night, Laura.

Good night, Paul.

Have you taken your pill?

Yes, Paul.

I love you.

HE GRUNTS

I love you, Paul,

with all my heart.

Sweet dreams, everyone.

Sweet dreams, everyone.

-Sweet dreams, Laura.

-Sweet dreams, Laura.

May all your wishes come true.

-I haven't got any!

-Nor have I!

Oh, the zip's in my face.

FAINT DRIPPING

Becks?

Becks, I think there's a drip.

There's definitely a drip, Becks.

-Steve, sort it out.

-You sort it out.

-I'm all comfy.

-So am I.

Maybe it's just me,

but that sounds like blood dripping from the wounds of a ghost.

-Brilliant. I need another wee.

-Don't tread on me, Steve.

I'm not gonna tread on you.

Put the light on if you're weeing.

I saw another ghost on Tuesday.

Me and Paul wanted to contact the dead, or the living dead,

and find out what they know,

so we went to this seance from a leaflet Paul got, and we came home

-and I was being sick...

-URINE TRICKLES

..and I looked in the mirror and there was this presence hovering behind me.

-DRIPPING INCREASES

-She was 12 and a half,

she was from the Dark Ages and she was covered

-from head to toe...

-DRIPPING CONTINUES

-PLASTIC BOTTLES CLATTER

-..in animal blood.

I think she wanted revenge on whoever it was that covered her in animal blood.

-TOILET FLUSHES

-That's what it's like being a ghost.

You bear a grudge.

And the devil doesn't help -

winding them up, chipping away at their self-esteem.

Did it all go in the toilet?

Yeah. Can we go to sleep, Laura?

You didn't see a ghost.

They don't exist.

They do exist, Steve. I've seen four.

-And at the seance we spoke to Elvis.

-All right, Laura.

Elvis didn't say much, but what he did say was fucking terrifying.

(YAWNING) Oh, Paul, please!

I've got a sixth sense for it. Danny told me.

He's the wizard that did the seance.

I've got all the normal five senses - seeing, hearing, thinking and touch -

but I've also got a sixth sense - ghosts.

-Oh, my God!

-OK, that's enough about ghosts, Laura.

Let's get some sleep.

We've got a very big day tomorrow, we're getting up very early.

OK.

Good night, everyone.

Sweet dreams, Paul.

And may all your wishes come true.

Paul and I are thinking of going to Spain for a week.

SHE SIGHS

TINNY MUSIC FROM EARPHONES

HE SIGHS Laura!

Turn your iPod off!

-SHE SIGHS

-God, it's like living in a concentration camp!

DAN: Steve?

-BECKY SIGHS

-Steve.

I think there's someone at the door, everybody.

-Steve?

-Get rid of him.

Are you awake, Steve? I think I heard your voice.

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

-Steve!

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

-Steve, Steve.

Brilliant(!)

Don't tread on me.

How can I tread on you?! You're on the sofa!

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

-So, at this seance,

Paul spoke to Roy, the scuzzy old man that used to look after him.

He wasn't scuzzy. He was my friend.

All right, Steve.

-Dan, it's really late.

-Yeah, sorry.

I was just passing, thought I'd pop in, see if you're OK.

Yep, I'm fine, thanks.

Good, good.

OK, well, thanks for checking up...

Me and Anita split up.

Yeah.

-Sorry, mate.

-Yeah.

Well, I'm sure it'll work itself out. It has before.

-Not this time, Steve.

-OK.

I've been crying on a bench.

I got hit by a boy.

Oh, bloody hell!

He took my wallet.

There's nothing in it. I don't know why I carry it round with me.

OK, well, Dan, it's gone one.

We've actually got Laura, Paul and Shelly staying,

and me and Becky have got a really big day ahead of us tomorrow.

We're watching a whole series of 24 in 24 hours,

it's gonna be pretty exhausting, so why don't you...?

Don't make me be alone tonight.

Don't.

Look at me, I've got nothing.

I can't be alone tonight.

I won't cause any bother.

I know.

I'll kip in the bath if you want, I don't mind.

I won't come in the bedroom.

You don't have to talk to me.

I know, but...

You won't even know I'm here.

But I can't go up there tonight.

Some really dreadful things have happened.

Mm-hm, I know, but there's no space...

She fucked her uncle, Steve.

Sorry?

Anita.

She fucked her uncle. That's why we split up.

She fucked her uncle?!

Keep your voice down!

What, as in her auntie's husband?

Her dad's brother.

Should've seen it coming.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say.

It was her nan's birthday, they had a barbeque, one thing led to another

and she ended up fucking her uncle in the shed.

You'd better come in.

-Is anyone in the inflatable chair?

-No.

Excellent.

STEVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Everyone. Dan's had a, um...

He's had a bit of bad news, so he's gonna be joining us for the night.

What's happened?

Me and Anita split up.

Oh, no! Sorry, Dan.

Sorry to hear that, Dan.

Yeah, thanks.

MUMBLES SLEEPILY

Thanks, Paul.

What happened?

Just didn't sort of see eye to eye... on a matter concerning her uncle.

Then later on, I got hit with a brick.

A brick?!

Oh, bloody hell!

I might get something cold for my head.

How could I say no?

You're not really gonna let him stay, are you, Steve?

I'm not gonna kick him out. He's sad.

What if I wake up and find him licking me?

-He's not gonna lick you, Laura.

-He might.

He's not going to lick you.

I can't believe you're letting him sleep here.

There's already four of us.

-What if we run out of air?

-Well, then I'll open a window.

-What if he's sick on me?

-Why would he be sick on you?

Laura, he's not gonna lick you and he's not gonna be sick on you

and we're not gonna run out of air, I promise.

OK, well, don't say I didn't warn you.

My God! Look, he's just having a really bad time

-and needs a bit of company.

-Steve...

He's going to sleep and he's not gonna bother anyone,

so just, please, just...just leave him alone!

Well, all I'm saying is, I can't sleep

-if he's gonna be in here.

-Yes, you can, Laura.

I can't, Becks.

So, I'm gonna use this opportunity to get on with a bit of admin.

Now, Steve, about the wedding.

Oh, Laura, please! Fuck's sake!

We're gonna buy some birds, tie ribbons to their beaks

and fly them round the church while we make our vows.

-Are you joking?

-No, Steve.

I have a number for an aviary.

Now, as best man, you'll be in charge of feeding them.

Do you know what, Laura? We've got people spread all over our flat,

I'm tired, every time I close my eyes,

I see a ghost covered in animal blood.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Do you?

-Yes.

I've got a whole day of watching 24 ahead of me.

It's going to be so draining!

So, right now I couldn't give a flying fuck

about your wedding, which you haven't even set a date for!

Good night.

PAUL CHUCKLES

I can see what Shelly means now.

-Laura, go to sleep.

-Yes, I will.

But I'm just saying, Becks, I can understand now

some of the things Shelly was saying tonight about Steve.

OK, enough, Laura.

Well, what does that mean? What did Shelly say about me?

She said she doesn't like you.

Yeah, good one. Thanks, Laura.

As if!

It's nothing personal, but from the moment she laid eyes on you,

-she's hated your guts.

-Oh, as if, Laura!

She thinks I'm funny, doesn't she, Becks?

Becks?

I think she doesn't really...get you?

What does that mean?!

Becky.

It doesn't mean anything. Just get Dan and let's go to sleep.

What do you mean, she doesn't get me? What is there to get?

Sometimes when you get a bit drunk, you do silly things.

I think it's funny and everyone else thinks it's funny

but sometimes Shelly just can't understand.

-Shelly's like that.

-She thinks you might be deranged.

I'm just having a laugh!

Well, the truth is, Steve, she's terrified of you.

No, she's not! Why would anyone be scared of me?!

OK, name two things Shelly doesn't like about me.

-She thinks you're lazy.

-HE SCOFFS As if!

She finds you physically repulsive.

-Laura!

-And on the way home,

she said you were sexually intimidating.

-When?

-In the kebab shop.

She thought you were gonna rape her.

What?! I'd never rape anyone,

-would I, Becks?

-No, Steve.

You'd never rape anyone.

And if I was gonna rape someone,

I certainly wouldn't do it in a kebab shop.

I wouldn't do it anywhere.

Look, Shelly likes me. We were having a laugh tonight.

She liked my impression of an earthworm.

No, she didn't.

No-one did. She said you had wandering eyes.

I did not have wandering eyes!

Oh, why have you stood up?

The...

They're not my wandering eyes,

they're the wandering eyes of a sexually intimidating earthworm.

Oh, look, you've completely missed the point

of my impression of an earthworm.

Steve. You're an adult,

you have an impression of an earthworm and you did it in a kebab shop.

She's bound to think you're weird.

Now, turn the light off and go to sleep.

Oh...

Oh, bloody hell!

This is ridiculous.

I've never had someone dislike me before.

Well, that's bollocks.

What do you mean, that's bollocks?

What do you mean, you've never had someone dislike you before?

No-one dislikes me. I'm nice, I'm a nice bloke.

-I smile at people...

-Dan!

Sorry.

Sorry for waking you.

-Are you OK?

-Not really.

Me and Anita split up

and a ten-year-old bashed my head in.

I don't feel great, if I'm honest, Shelly.

I think you're great, Dan.

I think you're really lovely.

Go on.

I wouldn't change a thing about you.

What about my face?

Or my body?

I think you're a wonderful human being.

You're a perfect gentleman. I wouldn't change a thing.

Oh, don't go to sleep.

Shelly, say something else.

Shelly?

SHELLY!

What about Jamie?

-He hates you.

-Yeah, well?

I hate him.

Some of the boys me and Shelly used to work with, they didn't like you.

I've never met them!

Hayley, Kelly, Rebecca.

They think you're a twat.

No, they don't!

You told them you worked for Formula One.

HE LAUGHS Oh, come on, that was funny!

All my mates think you're a pussy.

No-one likes you, Steve, because you've got wandering eyes.

They are not my wandering eyes.

They are the wandering eyes of an earthworm.

-Oh, bloody earthworm.

-No,

I can't hold it in, Becks. I'm gonna have to do another wee-wee.

-Dan?

-Sorry.

You OK?

Yeah. You?

Yeah.

I did my earthworm in a kebab shop and it went down wrong.

Bad luck, mate. Do you wanna do it now and I'll laugh?

No, you're all right.

Can I try one?

Let's get some sleep, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll just finish this.

No, don't eat that, mate.

No, come on, come on. Come on, don't eat that.

Oi, Becky.

Come here and fuck me.

For God's sake!

It's really nice. Do you want some? It's frozen sweet corn.

You can have them in the summer instead of popcorn.

You coming to bed?

You've, um...you've got something on your face, Becky.

Yeah, it's toothpaste.

Oh, right.

Looks nice.

Oh, come on.

We need our sleep for 24.

I think the toilet's leaking, Becks.

There's wet all over the floor in there.

OK, thanks, Laura.

I thought it all went in!

-SHE SNORTS

-You're a delight to live with, do you know that?

Hey!

You still like me, don't you?

Yeah, loads. Love you to bits.

No, but...

You're glad you moved in with me.

Yes, it's been fantastic, come on!

No, I know, but, I'm-I'm cool. Aren't I?

I'm a cool kind of guy to live with.

Mm, yeah, really cool. I mean, look at you now.

Becky!

It's not nice when you find out someone doesn't like you.

Oh, come on, it's just Laura winding you up.

And anyway, you've got me.

Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?

Night, Shell.

SNORING

Oh, you have gotta be joking.

Steve, will you shut Dan up?

Why are you in my bed?

Paul's my fiance, Steve. I think I'm allowed to sleep next to him.

-Laura, you're in our bed, though.

-I know, Becks.

Can you shut Dan up?

I'm trying to sleep.

Dan!

Stop snoring!

SNORING STOPS

ENORMOUS SNORE

Oh, put your finger under his nose.

I'm not touching his nose!

I read somewhere that the best way to stop someone snoring

is to put a goose in the room.

Oh, OK, I'll do that, then(!)

Put your finger under his nose! It'll stop him snoring.

Are you thinking of sneezing?

No.

When someone's snoring, you put a finger under his no...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking of sneezing.

Hit him, Steve. Punch him in the face.

I'm not...! I'm not gonna punch him in the face!

Will you get out of our bed?!

SHE SIGHS

There's room for one more in here, Becks.

Come on. In you come.

Snuggle up next to me.

That's it, in you come.

Snuggle up, snuggle up, Becks.

That's it.

How is this fair?

That's it. Oh, this is nice, isn't it? It's like when we were kiddies.

# Come closer and cuddle me tight... #

-Oh, careful though, Becks. Paul's got a hard-on.

-Eurgh!

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang

# Boom bang-a-bang when you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away, I wanna stay My whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you. #