The Fight Him & Her

-Er, that's...that's my chicken.

-Jesus!

-All right! Paul!

That's it Paul! He touched your bird!

He disrespected you on your birthday.

-I'm gonna go out and kick him till he dies!

-Oh, Paul!

-Kick the cupboard.

Imagine it's his bollocks.

Paul, don't kick my cupboard.

-Kick it again, Paul.

-Imagine it's his arsehole

LAUGHTER

It's a compliment really when you think about it.

He must see...

-What?

-How many people's arses d'you think you see a day?

A million? So he sees a million people's arses every day

and mine's the one he decides to pinch. I've still got it.

You're an attractive young lady, Laura.

Yes, I know. I don't need you to tell me that, Shelly.

-Honestly, Shell!

-SHOUTING AND BANGING FROM KITCHEN

PAUL: When it's your birthday,

you don't expect to be treated like you're somebody

-who isn't having a birthday.

-I know, Paul. I know, Paul.

This programme contains strong language.

-Careful!

-I'm the birthday boy!

I know you are, I know you are.

I've gotta check on my princess.

Are you all right, darling? How are you feeling?

I think I'm gonna have a bruise.

Laura!

Will you kiss it better?

Thank you, Paul.

-Oh, look at him now.

-Maybe we should leave it.

- He's just being a prick. - He's ruined my birthday, Becky!

D'you know how many birthdays I get a year?

- Yes. - And no-one,

-no-one touches my bird!

-Um, I'm not your bird, Paul.

Yes, you are.

-I'm a feminist.

-No, no, you're not.

-Yes, I am.

-No, no, you're not.

Yes, I am, Paul.

No you're not.

I'm a feminist, I'm just not a dykey one.

Paul, are we gonna kill this freak

-or not?

-Listen, Darren, mate...

Shut up!

Yes, but why don't we be the mature ones and stay up here and...

-Shut up!

-Yep. OK.

But, er, you know, we just got Paul the Home Alone films

for his birthday. We could have some beers, watch 'em in order...

Shut the fuck up!

What's he doing down there?

He's just sort of sitting.

SCOFFS: Bastard!

I think he's basically waiting so he can have another go on me.

-Paul.

-Coming.

Paul!

We don't just walk into 'em. We take our time.

Go with him, Laur.

-Calm down, Paul! You'll get an ulcer.

-Come on, Paul!

Let's watch Home Alone! You like it. It's funny!

-Right, Shelly, how do I look?

-You look lovely.

Good. OK, let's do this.

D'you think we should go down there and stop him.

Nah.

Home Alone? SHE LAUGHS

I dunno. It was worth a try.

PAUL: Oi! Gay boys!

Oh, God.

They're ignoring you, Paul.

Oi, look at you! You're a bunch of gay boys!

BECKY: Gay boys?

Excuse me. We're talking to you!

Leave it, Paul. It's not worth it.

DARREN: Paul. They're disrespecting you.

PAUL: Are you listening to me

or am I gonna have to come over there and shout it in your fucking brains?

-BECKY GROANS MAN:

-Go back inside.

PAUL: No! I won't! It's my birthday!

-Happy birthday.

-Thank you.

STEVE BREAKS WIND

-That was a goodie.

-HE LAUGHS

BECKY LAUGHS

I don't know why I find that funny.

Shall we have sex?

-I dunno. They might come back up.

-I'll be quick.

I won't.

The other Paul ate the chicken.

Did he?

That's annoying.

I've been thinking about that for hours.

SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE

One day, shall we buy an egg with a chick in it,

hatch it, grow it up,

feed it with its own eggs, then kill it, pluck it,

then roast it on a spit and eat it?

Feed it with its own eggs?!

MOBILE PLAYS MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME

Who is it?

Oh, I dunno. I haven't got their number.

Well, answer it!

No, It might be a weirdo.

It won't be a weirdo. Just answer it.

I'm not answering the phone to a weirdo.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME CONTINUES

Are you dancing to your own ringtone?

-Yep.

-HE LAUGHS

Laura does that.

I'm just doing it ironically.

Hm.

What time does Nando's shut?

I'm not walking for ten minutes

just to go Nando's. Somerfield's have got a rotisserie.

Ooh. KFC!

We could share a Bargain Bucket.

I'm not sharing a Bargain Bucket with you.

We'll split it equally.

How many times have I heard that?!

Why has no one started a business

where you can just call them day or night

and they bring you a chicken? STEVE BREAKS WIND

Ugh!

You'd think Branson would do it.

CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE

-TYRES SCREECH MAN:

-Fuck you!

SHOUTING, CAR HORN BEEPS

PAUL: I was trying to cross the road to deal with these bastards!

Why is chicken the only meat you can eat from a bucket?

CAR HORN BEEPS, SHOUTING

Oh, I'd love a bucket of beef.

-Or a bucket of pork.

-Lamb.

Oh! Mmm, a bucket of lamb.

-Mmm! Mmm!

-CAR HORN BEEPS

GRUNTS

CAR SPEEDS OFF

So what is Salon Wolves?

HE MUMBLES

Nope. Didn't get a word of that.

-SLOWLY:

-Barney's old band.

I didn't know Barney was musical.

-Drums.

-Oh.

Yeah they got this, um...

this song.

Sure it's in here.

It's such a load of crap, innit?

Bloody hell!

Yeah, so they've got this one really nice song

and the rest of them are dog shit.

-Where is it?

-What are you doing?

I've got their CD.

Sure it's in here.

Bollocks! HE GROANS

Never get that back in. Urgh.

HE SIGHS AND GROANS

Shit!

DOORBELL RINGS

Anyway, they're really good. They've got this song that goes...

Don't sing it.

There's somebody chucking stuff. It's not right, it's not safe.

-They've started chucking stuff.

-Oh, oh, it's crazy down there, Becks.

DAN: Steve.

Steve!

What's going on?

Look at me, Becks. I'm like Rapunzel.

MEN SHOUT OUTSIDE

Oh, yeah. Bit of good news.

You know Paul's friend, the other Paul? He said he'd shag you.

-Oh. That's nice.

-Yeah.

He reckons you're a six.

What a sweetie.

Oh, did you see the one that pinched my arse, Shell?

Yeah.

He's like an eight or a nine, isn't he?

I'm not boasting, Becks but he looks like Jude Law.

Except he's black.

Yeah, a black Jude Law.

-SIGHS:

-We were gonna go down The Goose,

but Laura got her arse pinched and Paul went mental.

What's that?

HE LAUGHS

Kevin McCallister.

Anita's getting a bit aggie about the noise.

Is Shelly in there?

Yeah.

-Mind if I hide in here?

-I thought I told you to shut them up!

Yes, sweetheart. Sorry.

Just dealing with it now. Go back to bed.

It's utterly unacceptable.

I know, darling. I'm dealing with it. Go on.

Well, are you dealing with it

or are you standing around talking to your bum chum?

-All right, Anita?

-Daniel.

Yep. OK. I'll be up in a minute, darling.

Just let me sort everything out for you. Go on. Hop back into bed.

Go on, love.

DOOR SLAMS

She normally shaves it.

-I don't like violence, Becky.

-I know you don't.

-I know.

-It reminds me of when I was little.

All right, Shell!

I've heard enough about your childhood to last me a lifetime.

But, Laura, I mean, what's the point?

People go to war and they kill each other.

And then there's terrorists and ash clouds.

Why does everything have to be so mean?

I don't get it. I just don't get it, Laur.

All right, Shell, it's fine for you not to get it.

Just don't go on about your fucking stepdad.

My parents used to leave me at home a lot.

-Did they?

-Yeah.

And we got burgled. It was terrible. Nothing like the film.

They tied me to the banisters and killed my dog.

OK.

I still think about it.

MOBILE PLAYS MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME

-Who's that?

-Dunno. I haven't got their number.

You should answer that. Could be your mum.

But no cos I've got her number in my phone, haven't I?

But I haven't got this number.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Becky? Could be Becky.

-No. Again...

-HE CHUCKLES

..I've got her number. And she's in there.

She wouldn't be ringing me, would she, Dan?

Yeah. Of course.

DOOR OPENS PAUL: His mates are coming!

Could be your...

-Dan.

-DARREN:

-Paul, it's under control.

He's called his mates.

Are you winning?

His mates are coming.

It's under control, Paul. My dad's gonna bring his dog.

OK. This is all getting a bit silly, don't you think?

Steve, I've been molested.

He's ruined the birthday of a human being.

Yes I know, but how about we un-ruin it

by sharing a cab to Nando's and taking it all out on a chicken?

-HE SCREAMS

-You're embarrassing yourself, Paul.

Now get up, grow a dick and get outside.

-I'm coming! MAN:

-Oi, gay boy! Come outside!

SHOUTS: Fuck the lot of you!

JEERING AND LAUGHTER

CHEERING

-Er...

-MAN OUTSIDE: Whoa!

-What was that?! Fuckin' hell!

-Missed.

MOBILE PLAYS: "Pass Out" By Tinie Tempah

Yeah?

-LAURA:

-Paul!

-Yeah, I'm coming.

-SHELLY:

-Stay up here, Paul.

-That's my lamp!

All right, Steve. It was a shit lamp.

That cost me a fiver! Bloody hell, they're chucking stuff up now!

-I spent £5 on that. Oh, bloody hell!

-I'll fix the drawer.

SHOUTING OUTSIDE

-Thanks, Dan.

-Thanks, Dan.

LAUGHTER MAN: Oooh, nearly!

LAUGHTER

Can you pass me a pen? We should do his card.

Pen.

Hmm? Oh.

-MAN:

-Fuck you, you fucking twat!

-OK, what shall I put?

I dunno. To Paul?

Dear Paul?

Dear Paul?! Who the fuck do you think you are?

All right!

LAUGHTER AND CLANGING OUTSIDE

To...

Ugh.

SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE

It was a present.

OK. Happy birthday?

No, think of something funny.

Let's just put "happy birthday".

No! We're funny, we can think of something funny to put in it.

HE TUTS

CLATTERING AND GRUNTS FROM OUTSIDE

Shall I just sign it and we can fill it in later?

Yeah.

-MAN:

-Here we go.

-WHOOPING

-Bloody hell!

-Shit!

-Oi!

-LAUGHTER

-We haven't done anything!

-It wasn't us!

We're staying out of it!

-MAN:

-Where's the bald bastard?

-We dunno.

We've just been sitting up here

-eating cheese, haven't we?

-BECKY: Yeah, yeah,

we don't wanna get involved in stuff like that.

Please stop throwing things stuff at us!

Leave us alone!

Hello.

Here he is. The world's most pointless person.

Steve just asked me to fix his drawer.

I've got one of my stomach aches, thanks to you and your noisy little cronies.

Oh, sorry.

-You don't think it might be...

-What?

Nothing. No, Sorry.

-You sure it's not the...

-What?

-Nothing. Sorry.

-Good.

I just mean... I'm wondering if the corned beef might...

-Daniel.

-Yep. Sorry.

I'm just thinking about your stomach.

Em, if it's, you know...

If eating all that...

What d'you think caused your stomach ache?

You did.

-You don't think it's all the corned...

-No!

Sorry.

Now get upstairs and find the Gaviscon.

SOBBING Oh God! Shelly!

LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE

Oh, I can't stop thinking about chicken.

Oh, it's definitely here somewhere.

It's got this song on it, I, um...

Ah, here it is!

It's got this song on it.

I listened to it the first time we met.

Did you?

# When I saw you standing there so pretty

# I cleaned my... # They threw a bin at me!

SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

-You OK?

-They descended on me. Did you see it?

-They all came on me at once.

-Oo-er.

I don't know what's going on, Steve.

Come into the bathroom, Paul!

That's it. How dizzy are you? Are you very dizzy.

I'm not dizzy!

You must be a bit dizzy, they threw a bin at you.

I'm not dizzy, Laura!

Sit down, I don't want you falling over.

I can't sit down.

-SHELLY:

-He can't sit down, Becky!

-BECKY: Oh, no.

Paul, sit down, keep calm and keep breathing.

You have to keep breathing otherwise you'll die.

That's it Paul, in and out.

You're gonna be all right.

Just went on me own Steve, saying stuff to 'em

and it was all under control, it was all fine.

Look up, Paul.

I was running it, Steve, I was calling 'em stuff,

-it was good.

-OK, now look down.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, he had all these mates

and they all came on me at once and they all started running

and one of them picked up a bin and threw it at me.

Ow!

-It hit him on the face, Becky.

-Argh!

I'm gonna do a little eyesight test on you now, OK?

Paul, how many fingers am I holding up?

Paul...how many fingers am I holding up?

Stop shouting at me!

-Calm down, mate. Come on.

-Keep calm

or you'll rupture something.

-Do something, someone!

-It was three.

Step back, everyone. I'm going to dress the wound.

-MAN: Where is the little faggot?

-Paul. Paul!

-DOG GROWLS

-You're being an embarrassment!

Get outside, you little cocksucker!

-No I'm coming!

-Well, hurry up, then!

-DOG BARKS

-All right, boy.

Not yet. Not yet.

What am I gonna do, Steve? Look at me.

Just... Just calm down and we'll get you a plaster.

For heaven's sakes, Steve! We need to sterilise the wound first.

-Have you got any TCP?

-Fucking TCP?!

Look at me! SHE SCREAMS

You're a useless piece of shit sometimes.

-SHELLY WAILS

-Will you shut up, Shelly?!

I'm going to burst a blood vessel in a minute.

-Paul! What the fuck are you doing?

-Yeah, I'm coming!

Grow a fucking dick, mate. Jesus!

-SHELLY WHIMPERS

-Don't listen to 'em.

Where were you when I needed you, Steve? You're my best man.

PANTING: All these blokes just came on me at once.

Oo-er. HE CHUCKLES

We'll look after you. Just stay up here, yeah?

Come on, Paul. It's not that bad.

I need some disinfectant, Steve. Or bleach.

I need to clean the wound before it goes green.

I want to go to bed, Steve. It's my birthday. I wanna go to bed.

-HE SCREAMS

-Does that hurt?

-Yes!

-Good.

You've got to be cruel to be kind. Becks, I need a swab.

HE SCREAMS How can they do this to me?!

-I don't know, mate.

-How can they do this to me on my birthday?

Well, If you will go out with someone like me,

you've got to accept the consequences, Paul.

It's like when they killed JFK cos he had a fit wife.

- Laura! Fuck off! - Paul!

Paul, stop it!

I'm just trying to heal you, Paul.

There's nothing left of me to give!

SHOUTING OUTSIDE, SHELLY WHIMPERS

Shall we look for some dressing?

Yeah.

Sit down, Paul. I don't want you getting dizzy.

Thanks, Laura.

Now, I'm gonna put some water on this tissue and dab it on your face, OK?

OK.

What are you doing? You're such a pillock!

-LAUGHS:

-You said, "Let's look for some dressing,"

as in wound dressing, and I...

-Yes.

-I know. I get the joke.

How have we even got this?

Hmm...

It's your birthday. Dan, look in that cupboard,

-see if they've got any bleach.

-DAN: Yep.

PAUL: You can't put bleach on my face, Laura!

We've got to clean the wound, Paul.

Have we got any wound dressing?

-Honestly, it's revolting.

-Yeah. It's in the first-aid kit.

HE LAUGHS

PAUL SCREAMS: Ow! That's boiling hot!

-No, it's not.

-Jesus!

One minute.

Ooh, I forgot about that!

So did I!

-Can we eat it with our fingers?

-Yeah, course!

Oh, my knickers are getting wet just thinking about it.

Becky! Don't say things like that!

Mmm! I'm gonna eat its arsehole.

-Rebecca!

-Oh, soup.

MAN: You're sat up here with your dick in your hand!

MUFFLED RAISED VOICES

Thanks.

MAN: Fuck's sake, Paul!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

PAUL: It's not fair. It's not fair!

It's my lucky day!

So are we watching Home Alone or...?

MOBILE PLAYS MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME

-Is that the same number?

-Yeah.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME CONTINUES All right?

No, he's not here.

He's visiting a horse.

Can I ask who's calling?

CLEARS THROAT

You got any bread?

Well, who was it?

- I wanna dunk. - Dan, who was it?

-That'll do.

-Er...Dan?

Dan!

Dan, tell us who it was or you can go back upstairs to Anita.

Um, it was Julie, your ex.

What?

- She doesn't like you, does she? - Hmm

At all.

She hates you, in fact. Thinks you're well ugly.

All right.

Oh, God. Paul's gonna go back down there.

-Paul!

-Oh, Steve, don't be a dick.

Paul. Paul, I want you to calm down and stay up here, OK?

We'll put Home Alone on and we'll tell 'em we're sorry

and ask then nicely to leave us alone.

Little bastard. It's funny.

What the fuck is this?!

-It's your... It's your birthday card.

-Well, where's the message?

We were trying to think of something funny to write.

What's funny about giving a human being a birthday card without a message?

You're worse than my fucking mother!

- Oh, Paul! - I'm living in a nightmare!

Oh, no. Come on, Paul. Paul, that was my granddad's. Paul.

Fucking....it.

Don't get blood on your shoes, Paul!

Fuck yourself!

Oh, Paul, come back here with that.

Steve, come on, I'll get you another one.

Paul, that was my granddad's!

I've got a fairy you can have.

SHELLY SOBS

# All the other guys

# I will spend forever

# Thinking how great you look tonight

# I can't believe you like me

# But I think you might

# When you spoke to me

# I couldn't stop looking at you

# And the way your lips move when you speak

# I just wanted to take your lips and kiss them

# But I didn't cos I'm awkward and I'm weak

# And I will spend forever

# Thinking how great you looked tonight

# I can't believe you like me... #

Sorry, Dan. Sorry, Shelly. Do you mind?

- Blimey, you all right? - He got elbowed.

SIREN WAILS

You're so stupid! For fuck's sake!

Don't get involved. Jesus, I said don't get involved.

# ..Oh, I will spend forever... #

-Oh, oh, oh, ouch!

-It's just a shitty old star!

They're two for a quid in the pound shop.

MUSIC STOPS

For fuck's sake!

We should've just stayed here and finished the soup!

I said that.

I said we should have just stayed up here!

Why would you go out there? What do you know about being in a fight?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

You stupid bloody idiot.

SIREN WHOOPS

-Are you OK?

-Not really.

How's your little nose?

Oh, God.

BECKY LAUGHS

You're such a twat.

HE LAUGHS

-LAUGHS:

-Ow!

LAUGHTER

# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang when you are near

# Boom-bang-a-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through

# Boom-bang-a-bang close to you. #