Episode 3 Horrible Histories with Stephen Fry

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description, cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank, and ruthless

# Caveman, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories we supply

# And your host is Stephen Fry

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories

Hello! Welcome to Horrible Histories,

the show where the most fascinating facts

the past has to offer are served up with hot mustard

by our rebellious rebel of highly silly sausages.

King George III suffered a long illness

but didn't die until he was 81,

meaning his son had an awfully long wait to take the throne.

Ohh.

Oh, George, how do you do it? How do you look so fabulous?

-George, you are worth it!

-Your Highness, I have some dreadful news.

-Powdered wigs aren't coming back, are they?

-It's far graver than that.

Sir, I must tell you, your father is dead.

Yes! Get in!

Get in! Uh!

Sir, I think you may have misheard me.

Dad's dead! Dad's dead! Oh, gosh! I'm king!

Ah. You didn't. But, sir, shouldn't you be...upset?

Upset? I'm nearly 60 years old. I know I don't look it.

-It's very good of you to say.

-I wasn't going to...

I've been a bog-standard prince for nearly 60 years!

Nearly 60 years I've been waiting for him to kick the bucket!

Yes, but sir, I have to advise you that your subjects

-will expect you to be grief-stricken. In floods of tears.

-Tears?

-This is better than Christmas!

-George! Have you heard the news?

-You bet I have!

-Congratu-very-lations, Your Majesty!

My Majesty.

-Your Majesty!

-My Majesty.

-Your Majesty!

-All right.

Sir, are you sure you can't squeeze out just a small tear?

Certainly not, thick wig! I only cry about things that matter.

So, how do I look for my coronation?

-Spectacular.

-Look at my calves!

Very muscular! Very manly!

I'll tell you a secret. It's padding.

Padding? Well, that explains the seat of your trouser.

What?

Well, between yousies and mesies,

there might be a tad too much pad on the old derriere.

Padding?

There's no padding there!

He thinks I'm fat! He thinks I'm fat!

You know what might help? What about if you wore a corset?

-I am wearing a corset!

-HE WEEPS

Well, at least he's crying now.

Oh! Oh, the poor prince!

I'm not a prince, I'm a king now!

-Now get out!

-He's a king!

Out!

HE WEEPS

I'm fat!

I need a chocolate.

Yes, George IV clearly didn't want his long-awaited coronation

to be forgotten. It was the most expensive in British history

costing what in modern terms would be about £19 million.

George famously didn't get on with his wife,

and fearing she would make a scene at his coronation,

hired boxers to keep her out of Westminster Abbey.

One of them was a freed slave called Bill Richmond.

We're ringside for Horrible Histories Boxing!

Thanks. It looks like tonight will be a real cracker! Let's meet the fighters.

First up, we've got London's finest, the huge, the undefeated

Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes. Let's take a look at Tough Tom in action.

He's a real expert at classic Georgian bare-knuckle boxing,

where two rivals stand stock still and slug it out.

Yeah!

Next up, it's the newcomer, all the way from New York in the USA,

it's the comparatively smaller Bill Richmond.

Bill was born a slave of New York, USA, and learned his trade

boxing for entertainment at the Duke of Northumberland's dinner parties.

I have to say, he looks a lot smaller than Tough Tom.

-I think this is going to be carnage.

-Certainly looks that way.

Seconds out, round one!

-And Tough Tom is really fired up for this one.

-I can't watch.

Hold on, what was that? It looks like Bill Richmond has got out of the way

-of one of Tough Tom's punches.

-Is that allowed?

I guess.

Oh! He's got out of the way of another one! Extraordinary.

Nobody has ever got out of the way in the history of boxing.

Although, when you come to think about it,

not letting your opponent hit you in the face is not a bad idea.

He's invented a whole new technique.

Makes me wonder why nobody got out of the way before.

Probably because their heads were mashed up by all the boxing.

Ohh! He's floored him! He has floored him!

Oh, and it looks like Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes is out for the count.

-You're out!

-And Bill "Get Out Of The Way" Richmond is the winner.

Back to the studio.

On September 7th 1940,

Hitler turned his Blitzkrieg strategy on Britain,

sending the Luftwaffe on devastating night-time bombing raids

of British cities. Every home in London needed an air-raid shelter.

And there were two different sorts available,

with the Anderson shelter given out free to poor families.

Hello, people of Britain.

I'm here to tell you how to stay nice and safe during an air raid

with the new Anderson bomb shelter.

It comes with easy-to-follow assembly instructions.

Simply dig a hole in your garden

and with the magic of wood, corrugated iron

and a bit of elbow grease, hey presto!

One Anderson bomb raid shelter!

-There's plenty of room for everyone!

-Budge up!

-Give over!

You could be in here for up to six hours during a bombing raid

so remember to bring a good book. War And Peace! Good choice!

-Oh, would you stop it?

-The Anderson bomb shelter

comes with its own en suite toilet.

Oh, yuck! Where's my gas mask?

It could save your life, so don't delay,

build your Anderson bomb shelter today!

And introducing the new Morrison shelter.

If you've not got a garden, then this little beauty could be for you!

It makes a lovely addition to any London home.

You can even play table tennis on it! My point, I think.

Be safe from those bombs with the new Morrison shelter.

EXPLOSION Oh, dear. Budge up.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you

They had slits up the side. What's the point in...

Your legs would get cold. Yes, er, next please.

-And you are?

-A businessman from London during the Blitz.

Oh, no, a cockney. Here we go again.

Let me guess, killed by a bomb was it, guv?

No, it's a bit more embarrassing than that.

Oh! Goody gumdrops! Do go on.

Well, one night, I was on the train home from work during a blackout.

A "black-aart"?

To stop the German bombers from finding London,

every night they'd have a blackout, no lights allowed.

Oh, blackout! Oh, I see!

-Or rather, I don't!

-HE LAUGHS

Keep up, guys, keep up. Do go on.

So there I was on my train home and suddenly the train came to a halt.

And I thought, "Well, this is my station".

So I'm tootling off the train and suddenly, "Whoaaaa!"

-Fell 30 feet to my death.

-Very good, but...

Turns out the train was just waiting on a railway bridge.

-Oh!

-HE LAUGHS

And you thought it was the platform and...

-HE LAUGHS

-That is priceless!

You had a one-way ticket straight down!

Good! I like it, I like it. Hm? Yes, I agree.

Shut up, Louis! Ooh. Who would've thought that?

Well done, you've got two yeses, you're into the afterlife.

-Oh, thank you kindly.

-Enjoy the trip.

-Oh, cheers, yeah.

-Referring to the trip...

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Whoo-whoo!

-Enjoy. I liked him. Good smile. Kids will love him.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you

It was so dangerous in the cities during the war

that approximately two million bowels were evacuated.

Children! Children were evacuated to the country

where they'd be far safer.

'He had been evacuated from the city

-'to a foster home in the country.'

-This is your new home now, Charlie,

until the Germans stop bombing London. Don't worry.

-You'll be safe here.

-Can I go play, Mrs Jones?

Of course, Charlie. Mind you don't come to any harm.

'But here he was to face something

'even more terrifying than German bombs.

'It was like nothing he'd ever seen before in the city.'

-COW MOOS

-Arghhh!

Arghhh!

It had horns to butt with and it made a terrifying noise!

-COW MOOS

-Argh!

It has six legs and it had a tail on which hangs a brush!

Don't be silly, Charlie. It's just a cow.

-Arghhh!

-'Everything was new, everything was scary,'

-SHEEP BAAS

-Arghhh!

-COCKEREL CROWS

-Arghhh!

There's nothing to be scared of, Charlie. They're just farm animals.

-Why don't you go and have a nice relaxing bath?

-A bath?

Are you trying to drown me? Arghhh!

'The Farm. Just when you thought it was safer in the country.'

It is.

Ancient Greece was divided into a number of different city states.

There was Athens, famous for its culture,

Delphi, famous for its oracle, and Sparta,

famous for its proud army of fearsome warriors, like me.

Go, Sparta!

-And you must be?

-Linda and Nigel. We're Archelaus's parents.

Archelaus? I see.

-What's wrong?

-Well, I've been meaning to speak to you

-about your son's behaviour for some time.

-Is he in trouble?

Well, I have a list here of what he's been up to in the last week alone.

Screaming, shouting, fighting with other pupils,

-attacking the teachers.

-Really?

-Bringing weapons to school, cheating,

lying, stealing, bullying. I mean, the list goes on and on.

-Mr and Mrs Archelaus, your son...

-BOTH: Yes?

..is the perfect Spartan child.

He is going to make a fantastic Spartan warrior.

-You must be very proud.

-I'm very proud!

All right. it is a Spartan school, so don't cry.

Spartan children were taught to be deceptive, sneaky,

and above all, stoical.

One story tells of a whipping contest

where the children were whipped until they cried out.

One child refused to make a noise and eventually died.

Spartan schools had an alternative attitude towards education.

Hey! All you helots, you zealots,

you Peloponnesians, you Lacedaemons,

all of Leonidas's army, let's get barmy

for the Spartan School Musical!

ALL: Go Spartans!

Whoo!

Come on!

# Today I'm starting high school, where boys are turned to men

# I've packed my sword and shield, we don't use paper and pen

-# Everyone's a jock here

-# We don't have Spartan nerds

# The weedy kids were left to die as breakfast for the birds

# We're taught to love a fight, we're taught not to be meek

# And if we're good they feed us three square meals every week

ALL: # Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is excitin' now

# Rockin' at the Spartan School

-Come on!

-Whoo!

# At Spartan kindergarten I'm the boss, that's understood

# I smack 'em if they're naughty, and I thwack 'em if they're good

# I'm feeling rather peckish I'm gonna steal some food

# Caught! I'll have to punish you, ungrateful Spartan brood

# We promise not to steal, we're not the thieving sort

# Stealing is considered good, what's wrong is getting caught

ALL: # Let's get beaten now Learn lies and cheatin' now

# Rollin' at the Spartan School

# We have a bunch of contests to see who is the best

# The meanest leanest toughest roughest Spartan contest

# This one is my favourite game, lashings of good fun

# Didn't feel a thing! I want my mum

# We pass our last exam and it's Spartan graduation

# Straight away we go to work, no time for celebration

# Ten years active service in the army, no diversions

# There's only one job for a Spartan - killing loads of Persians

# Wondering about love? It's banned until you're 30

# High school doesn't teach romance, it teaches fighting dirty

ALL: # Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is excitin' now

# Rockin' at the Spartan School Let's get beaten now

# Learn lies and cheatin' now Rollin' at the Spartan School

In Middle Ages France, there was a prophecy that

the country would be saved by a young maid from the region of Lorraine.

Which, as it happens, is where a certain Joan of Arc came from.

-Joan of Arc.

-What?

-Are you Joan of Arc?

-Yeah.

-I am a vision of St Michael.

-I've been sent by God to find you.

-Pull the other one.

No, seriously. You've been chosen to lead the French army

-in a righteous battle against the oppressive English invaders.

-Nah!

-There must have been a mix-up.

-Why would you say that?

Well, because, A, I'm just an illiterate peasant,

C, I'm a girl, and A, I'm 14!

I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,

-but military leadership, not so much.

-Well, he definitely said.

-I wrote it on my hand and everything.

-Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc,

-the bloke next door?

-MAJESTIC MUSIC

-Did someone call?

-John, have you been waiting on God to call on you

-to lead France in a glorious victory against the English?

-Yes, I have.

-No, look, it definitely says Joan.

-Right. Erm...

-Sorry, John. False alarm.

-OK. Well, I'm just next door if you need me,

-so bye.

-Stay cool.

-Yep.

-Sorry, mate.

-So, erm, what am I supposed to do?

Convene with God, predict the future,

lead the French army to glorious victory

-and restore the king to his throne.

-Beats sweeping up!

-I bet, yeah.

-OK. Er... Oh.

-Who will darn the villagers' socks?

-I'm sure we'll think of something.

Ow! This is definitely what God wants?

But, I mean, look...

Joan of Arc convinced the French king to let her lead his army

and with the additional help of some Scottish soldiers,

she defeated the English at the Siege of Orleans.

Yes, in the Middle Ages, some people were driven to unusual things

by their belief in God, and none perhaps more so

than followers of a movement called Flagellantism.

Agh!

Agh!

-Ooh!

-Give us your money!

Or I'll whack you with my cudgel!

You'll hit me with your cudgel? What sort of a threat is that?

I'm whipping myself with a steel-tipped whip here.

Look what you made me do. I'm meant to be abstaining from talking.

I'll have to whip myself again now as punishment. Agh!

-Why aren't you supposed to talk?

-Because I'm a flagellant.

I'm atoning for my sins by wandering from town to town

silently whipping myself. I've opened my gob again now!

-Agh!

-Give us your money or I'll... I'll...

-Yes? Agh!

-I'll hit you with my cudgel

and I'll cut your feet off and gouge your eyes out!

-That might be quite helpful, actually.

-What?

Well, like I say, I'm a flagellant.

I'm trying to suffer as Jesus did so that God will save my soul.

I'm thinking the more suffering, the better, so do your worst. Ohh!

Well, if you won't give me your money, I'll have to help myself!

Ohh! Oh, that's disgusting!

Yeah, I know. As well as the whipping,

we flagellants are also forbidden to wash, shave or change our clothes.

-Ohh!

-You're not right in the head!

Here, hang on! You haven't even got any money!

Nah. That's the other thing about us flagellants.

We believe money to be the root of all evil. Ohh! So I'm penniless.

Oh, what's the point?

I'm a hopeless thief!

Why don't you give it up, eh? Come on the road with me?

-It'll mean you'll go to heaven.

-You're on.

I am a sinner.

Aghh! How long do we have to do this for?

Well, Jesus lived for 33 and a third years,

so we'll keep this up for 33 and a third days.

-33 and a third days?

-No talking in front!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Don't miss this week's News Of The Empire exclusive!

It's our Caesar special!

He defeated the Gauls in France and invaded Britain!

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I... I caught a cold.

The weather was terrible so I came home again. Atchoo!

Now, Rome's greatest general has gone from hero to zero! Yes!

JC's reputation is in meltdown

because he's started going out with the Queen of Egypt.

Has Cleopatra really stolen his heart?

So what if she has? My wife won't mind.

We reveal the truth behind the rumours.

Has Cleo really had Caesar's baby?

Well, here's a clue. He's called Caesarean.

-He has got my nose, I suppose.

-BABY CRIES

-Ohh! There, there, it's not that big.

-All right!

Plus, it's a fashion faux pas

as Caesar is spotted wearing these red boots,

just like the last king of Rome.

We ask, is Caesar getting too big for his own boots?

I just like the colour. It doesn't mean to say I want to be king. What?

OK, so I have declared myself dictator for life, but...

And exclusive! The knives are out for Caesar.

In our assassination pull-out special,

we list the senators plotting to stab him in the back!

-Wait a minute, who wants to kill me?

-Find out tomorrow!

No, no, no, seriously, who wants to kill me?

Only in this week's News Of The Empire!

A cracking good read! Although, it is all in Latin.

Caesar ended up being assassinated,

leaving his Roman wife to grieve

and his Egyptian lover to plan her next move,

which consisted of replacing Caesar

with his close friend, Mark Antony.

Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo. Excellent!

Thanks for the add. Smiley hieroglyph.

-RINGING

-It's him!

-Hello, Queen Cleopatra!

-How yourself!

I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile

and I couldn't help but notice you haven't got many friends.

Yeah, I did have my sister, Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,

but she died in suspicious circumstances.

And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV,

but she was executed.

Then there were my half-brothers,

Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,

and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.

Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt is a dangerous job, Cleo.

Do you never get scared?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine.

I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.

What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?

-Yeah.

-Now he's dead.

Yeah. About that,

-there's now a vacancy, so do you want to go out with me?

-No.

Oh, please, please, please! I'll put you on my top-ten friends list.

Oh, OK. In for a denarius, in for a sestertius.

More like a top-two friends list. Who's this other one?

-Oh, yeah, that's my sister Arsinoe.

-At last!

A member of your family who isn't dead!

Mm, about that...

-Cleo!

-Yeah, the thing is, she's the last threat to my throne

so I need to have Arsinoe killed.

You don't mind if I put your name on the assassination warrant, do you?

-Please, please, please!

-Oh, OK.

There we go! Nasty business but had to be done.

-Now you and me can rule the Egyptian empire in peace.

-Right, great.

-COMPUTER BINGS

-Oh. Oh, what was that noise?

-Did something go wrong?

-Oh, yeah.

It says there's a problem with the transaction.

I probably just need to update my PapyrusPal account.

-Oh.

-What? What is it?

-Yeah.

Turns out Arsinoe was on the steps of a sacred temple

-when you murdered her.

-When I murdered her?

Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.

-What are we going to do?

-Well, if we want to die with dignity,

we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman army get to us.

What? Oh, this is most inconvenient!

-Oh, well, I suppose...

-No, wait, I suppose we could

pretend to kill ourselves and then just hide.

Ohhh. Now you tell me, Cleo.

You are literally the worst girlfriend I've ever had

-and I've had some shockers.

-HE GROANS

Right. Looks like I'll have to do the same, then. Er...

I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me.

That's quite a regal way to go. An asp!

Perfect! How much?

20 bronze coins for packaging?

Well, I suppose it is quite a long tube.

Now, the traditional theory maintains that Cleopatra

killed herself with a venomous snake.

However, recently historians have suggested she drank poison instead

as it would've been a less painful way to die.

Though this would've had quite ruinous consequences

for all the "nice asp" jokes on Carry On Cleo.

Shiver me timbers, Daggers.

Daggers McCor! Is that you, you salty sea dog?

No. You must be mistaking me for somebody else.

No I'm not. Why are you wearing a false beard?

Shhh!

I'm in disguise.

Me life is in danger. I tried to stage a mutiny on ship

and now Captain Grey is baying for me blood.

But he's a fellow pirate. He wouldn't just kill you.

He's have to warn you first by sending you A LITTLE NOTE!

No, I think you mean by sending me THE BLACK SPOT!

Yes, pirate shorthand for "We're going to kill you.

"If you stick around, you'll be killed.

"If you try and run, you'll be killed."

Yes, thank you, that's making me feel so much better.

Yeah, but it's fine, because you haven't received the black spot.

Not yet, but now I'm out in the open, it could happen at any moment.

-The black spot! It's the black spot!

-No, no, no. No, no.

I was writing my shopping list earlier and my quill pen broke

-and I spilt some ink.

-Right. Well, my goodness, that's a relief.

Cos for a moment, I did think... The black spot!

-It's the black spot!

-No, no, no. I was having squid in ink for my dinner

and a bit must have splashed on my sleeve.

Right. I thought that was... The black spot! The black spot!

That's Warty Wendy. She was born like that.

She's got another one...

It's the black spot! It's the black spot!

It's the black spot! It's the black spot!

-This could take some time.

-It's the black spot!

-It's the black spot!

-Daggers, calm down.

Look, you're not going to get killed

unless you receive a note with the black spot on it.

And I think it would've happened by now.

I suppose you're right. Thanks for setting me straight, mate.

-Anyway, best be off.

-Night, Daggers.

Well, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

GUNSHOT Oh.

I stand corrected.

Well, many historians now believe that the black spot

was probably a literary invention by Robert Louis Stevenson,

author of Treasure Island, although we'll never know for sure.

Honestly, these fiction writers and their filthy lies.

One thing we do know for sure was that Captain Blackbeard

was the vilest pirate on the high seas.

# When I was a nipper I boarded a clipper

# Sailed the seas as a goods importer, oh

# Edward Teach is my name but I earned my fame

# As Blackbeard, the pirate of the water, oh

# Was a jolly chap with a jaunty cap

# Always gave my crew good quarter, oh

# But I'm best known for blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh

ALL: # Best known for blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh

# Left my home in Bristol with a sword and pistol

# Bid a fond farewell to old Blighty, oh

# What my enemies feared was my thick black beard

# Which I always enjoyed setting light to, oh

# Once I had a thing for a captive's lovely ring

# That shone like a jewel in the night, ee-oh

# When the man said no, I just said, "Oh!"

# And I chopped off his hand and said righty-oh

ALL: # Man said no, he said oh

# Chopped off his hand and said righty-oh

# Oh, I loved to sail the ocean

# With my flag that inspired emotion

ALL: # With its smiling pile of skull and bones

# Smashing hearts with a violent stabbing motion

# And I loved to escape detection

# And to win my crew's affection

ALL: # Which was nothing to do with the 12 guns he wore

# On his belt that were for protection

# I was awfully nice but I had the odd vice

# Which occasionally caused a commotion

# The thing that I'd do was shoot members of my crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

ALL: # The thing he'd do was shoot members of the crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

# Once when very irate, I shot my first mate

# Israel Hands, for a bit of pleasure, oh

# And when my debts grew, killed half my crew

# To increase my share of the treasure, oh

# Was doing well then seemed to run out of men

# My captors boarded at their leisure, oh

# Smote me dead then cut off my head

# And displayed it on my mast for good measure, oh

# Smote him dead, chopped off his head

# Displayed it on the mast for good measure, oh

So, we trundle to the tail-end of time

and I leave you with the final words of the great Oscar Wilde.

"My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death.

"One or other of us has to go."

With that, goodbye.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz, we showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, cruel and mean

# Bursting out your TV screen

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

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