Its a Don-derful Life How Not To Live Your Life


Its a Don-derful Life

Sitcom about desperate lothario Don. It's Christmas and Don's attempts to lead a normal life are threatened by an out-of-control OAP and a violent Santa.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-No way, you and Mark finally broke up?

-Yeah, last week.

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-Well, now you're single, you can have some fun.

-I've already started!

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-You little minx!

-Come on who was it? Was he fit?

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Kind of, yeah.

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He's about five-eleven, good teeth, slightly wonky eyes, thin hair.

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He sounds vile. How drunk were you?

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I was pretty pissed, actually.

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I just recall waking up in his weird house

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and meeting his freaky friends.

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This programme contains adult behaviour and some strong language

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Morning. Can I get you some breakfast?

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-Argh!

-No, I won't suck you off, Louis Walsh!

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What's going on?

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There's a strange man in your room.

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No, he's all right. He's just here to take our breakfast order, eh, Eddie?

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That's right, Don.

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Plus, I just gave him a quick bed bath.

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He does tend to get a bit pongy after intercourse.

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-Argh!

-Argh!

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'And if that wasn't bad enough,

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'I was getting out of his shower when suddenly...'

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Argh!

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All right?

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The toilet's blocked. Dickhead won't pay to get it fixed.

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Oh, get me out of here.

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'And then the strangest thing...'

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Oh.

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Ah, let me guess, you slept with Don, woke up to find an overgrown baby sat on the edge of the bed

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offering you some breakfast and then met an old lady who looks surprisingly similar to Gollum,

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probably doing something incredibly vile?

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Urgh.

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SHE GIGGLES

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No doubt she'll be ringing me up soon, requesting another session with the quim ninja.

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Erm, she didn't look like a returner, to me.

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Wait...

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-Has there ever been a returner?

-Oh, you're so evil, Samantha.

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Oh, poor Donald.

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If it's any consolation, I think I'm just as bad with relationships as you are.

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Right, I'm going to go for a bath, before uni.

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-Is the hot water back on, Eddie?

-Oh, you betsy. Fixed the boiler last night.

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Must tackle the loo next.

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Eddie, what have I told you about coming into my bedroom when I've got a chicklet in there?

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Try to wash you very, very quietly?

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Exactly.

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There is a massive shit in the bathtub!

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Gollum went poo-poo!

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Ah, Christmas.

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The time for the sharing and giving.

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Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

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Families together.

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And, of course, Santa.

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Well, two Santas...

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..beating the crap out of each other.

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Yep, that's me.

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You probably want to know what's going on.

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Let me take you back a few weeks, to the beginning of December.

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Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas.

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Guess what I've just got a job as?

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Erm...

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-Elvis impersonator?

-No.

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-A lap dancer?

-God, no.

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-Roller skating waitress in a 1950s themed restaurant?

-That's a good one!

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No! I'm the local community centre's new Santa Claus.

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No, I don't see it.

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What happened to Greg Pitcher? He's been doing Santa for years.

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-Oh no, poor Mr Pitcher can't do it this year.

-How come?

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I can't remember. I think he's got a cold or something.

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Oh no, that's it! He was caught having sexual intercourse with a child.

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Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

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Hang on, what about Gollum?

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I thought you were meant to be looking after her.

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Oh no, that's the great thing, I get to bring her along.

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All right?

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The kids adore her!

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Argh! It's a massive rat!

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-They give her all kind of pet names.

-Eddie I'm hungry, make me dinner.

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Now, Dot, that's not really the way to ask, now is it?

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Oh, BLEEP off, you BLEEPing BLEEPing BLEEP.

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I'm telling you, she is getting worse.

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I have never met an old person like her.

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-You know, the other day she asked me if I used a vibrator.

-Eugh!

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Do you?

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-That is not the point.

-What is the point?

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-She asked if she could borrow it.

-Oh!

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-And did she?

-Oh you!

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'I'm still crazy about Sam.

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'I'm starting to think I've missed my opportunity.'

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I don't know what's wrong with me. I use to be so confident.

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But with Sam, I'm just nervous she's going to knock me back.

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What do you think?

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I think they're too small, can I try the size 9s?

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Certainly, sir.

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'I started working in a shoe shop about a month ago.

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'The art galley closed down, so I had to get a proper job. And it sucks.'

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Urgh! You couldn't just have worn some socks?

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But I hate wearing foot shoes. I like to let my toes breathe.

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'I hate everything about this job, especially my boss.'

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Don.

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Can I have a word, please?

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'Oh no, Jason's not my boss, not any more, anyway.'

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-Do you want to grab some lunch?

-Oh, yes, please.

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Hello, where do you think you're going, Pops?

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'This is my boss.'

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-Oh, lunch.

-It's 12.59.

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-Yeah, lunch is at one.

-It's not one, though, is it? It's 12.59.

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I think someone's overdue to know the difference.

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Right.

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Off you scoot.

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And I'd try avoiding the carbs.

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I know what people your age are like for napping in the afternoon.

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Why do you keep calling me old? We're practically the same age.

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I don't think so, Gramps. I'm 24, what are you, 40?

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I'm 29!

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Ha!

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-All right I'm 30...something.

-Yeah.

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'Jason also got a job in the shopping centre. He is the manager of a posh supermarket.'

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I miss the art gallery.

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We used to have such a laugh, didn't we?

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Don, you were the bane of my life.

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Oh, thanks, Jace!

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'I never would have predicted it, but we've become good friends.'

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Where are you going to be this Christmas?

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-Just at home on my own, I guess.

-That's depressing.

-Yeah.

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-Do you always spend it alone?

-No, not always.

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Merry Christmas, Mr Homeless Man.

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Merry Christmas, Don.

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Ooh, somebody's had too much!

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No, no turkey this year, but I've got a lovely big ham.

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I'm afraid you are just for Christmas.

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-So you still not made a move on Sam yet?

-No.

-Why?

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Her and Brian broke up ages ago.

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Oh, we're getting on really well at the moment.

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I don't want to balls it up...again.

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I'm waiting for the right moment.

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A little advice - don't dilly-dally too long. Sam's a beautiful woman.

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Someone else will get in there if you don't hurry up.

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'So, life was pretty shit - 30-something, single, terrible job and I live with this.'

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This cup of tea tastes of BLEEPing BLEEP!

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Dorothy Treacher, if you continue acting like a child, I shall put you across my knee.

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Oh BLEEP this BLEEP, I'm going for a bath.

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What the hell?

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Eddie, don't you think it's time we put Treacher in a home?

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No, you can't do that, they're awful.

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Hey, you're insulting one of the places Eddie works, Missy.

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Sorry, Eddie.

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No, that's all right, I agree with you. That's why I mainly do home visits.

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It upsets me to see the elderly being thrown out by their families, like they're being tossed in a bin.

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Come on, Eddie, she's getting out of hand.

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-Try and get her in an old people's bin.

-Don!

-Sorry.

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-Try and get her in an old people's bin, please.

-That's better.

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-There's no hot water.

-Oh, not again. I've only just fixed the boiler.

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-How am I meant to have a bath?

-I'm sorry, Dot, you will have to...

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Oh, dear God!

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Dorothy, put some clothes on immediately.

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Why? Too arousing for you?

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BLEEP.

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I can't believe I just saw Gollum's ning-ning.

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I can't believe she's got a Brazilian!

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I think it might be time to get rid of the old boiler.

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That's what I have been saying, she's nuts in the mind.

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What? No, I'm talking about the boiler - the pressure vessel for heating water.

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-Oh, right.

-Yeah, come on, landlord, step up to your responsibilities.

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Excuse me, but do you know how much a boiler costs these days?

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No, how much?

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No I'm asking, do you know how much? Because I've already got to fork out for the toilet,

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the roof's leaking, the whole place is falling apart and I'm skint.

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I'm telling you, I'm going to need a miracle.

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-What's that?

-This morning's post.

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Oh, will you please put some clothes on?

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It's like a large pale raisin's walking about the place.

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Oh God. I think it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.

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How can you tell?

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-Well, it says it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.

-Oh.

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Great just what I need. More bad news about the house.

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John Bon Jesus!

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-What is it?

-Is it bad?

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It says I'm up-to-date on all payments and if I so wish, I can sell the house.

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Woo-hoo!

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I'm rich!

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I'm stinking filthy rich. Woo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha!

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See you later, you rotting, falling apart, pathetic excuse of a house.

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I'm off. I'm out of here. Woo-hoo!

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# Baby, you're a rich man

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# Baby you're a rich man

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# Baby, you're a rich man, too!

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# Be a rich man, baby You're a rich man, baby... #

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-What?

-Enjoying yourself?

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You're not really going to sell, are you, Don?

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No, you're right, Eddie, what was I thinking?

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Why would I want to make thousands of pounds,

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when I could just stay here and live in this shithole?

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Congratulations, Don, I'm really happy for you.

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This is it, Eddie. Next year's going to be my year, I can feel it.

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Getting rid of the dead wood - the house, Treacher...

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This bit of dead wood.

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Right, remember to speak to the old people's home, yeah?

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# Baby, you're a rich man Baby, you're a rich man. #

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We are pretty full now, but there is a space coming up on Christmas Eve for Dorothy.

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Not normally a great time for people.

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No. No, that's great. Thank you, Belinda.

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Hey, don't be so down, she'll be fine here.

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Oh no, I'm fine, honestly.

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'But I wasn't fine, I felt like I was losing everyone.

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'Darn it, Eddie, you forgot the first rule of caring -

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'never get too close to them - and, boy, did I get too close.'

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SILENCE

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What are you doing?

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SILENCE

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Oh, am I doing the mouth thing again?

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Sorry, that's just a bad habit I picked up from my friend, Don.

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'While Eddie was sorting out Treacher's new home, I went to see a property developer.

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'My solicitors told me it would be more profitable

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'than if I just sold it through an estate agent.'

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SILENCE

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Eh, you do realise you're just mouthing words, right?

0:11:390:11:43

Oh, sorry, yeah I do that sometimes. I find it hard to think and speak at the same time.

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Right.

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So let me tell you exactly what we do here, Don.

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'Eddie wasn't too happy about this, though.

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'He's worried about what they might do to the house.'

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He told me to be...

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easily won over by whatever they are going to offer you.

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Find out what they are going to do with it, first.

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It's a beautiful building.

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Please don't forget that.

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Let me cut to the chase, Don. We're willing to pay twice what you'd get.

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-I'm in, where do I sign?

-What? Really?

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God, I'm good.

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That was easy.

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I mean, normally people get a bit put off when they hear we're knocking down their beautiful home

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and replacing it with an ugly-looking block of ugly-looking flats.

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You are doing what now?

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Nothing.

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So let's wrap this deal up ASAP and then we can get you that lovely large sum of money.

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-How does that sound, Don?

-Oh, yes, please.

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SILENCE

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You know you're doing it now?

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Am I?

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Shit.

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Right, do you want the good news or the bad news first?

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Always best to end on a positive. Let's have the bad news first.

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The good news is, on January 2, I'm going to have lots of gorgeous money entering my bank account.

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Oh! And the bad news?

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Well, the bad news is, they're grrldddtt the house.

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Sorry? What?

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They're going to ock down the house.

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No, didn't catch that.

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They're going to ock down the house.

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Don, for some reason I can't seem to understand what you're saying.

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-They're going to knock down the house!

-Oh, Don.

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It turns out Costner was wrong all along.

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It is, "If you knock it down, they will come."

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You BLEEPing idiot.

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-Look, it's my house, OK?

-She's talking to the telly, Don, not you.

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It's Deal Or No Deal, it always gets her in a tizzle.

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Oh, yeah, look, he's saying no to a seven grand offer. Idiot!

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Not him. The other one. There!

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That's Noel Edmonds, the presenter.

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I know, look at him. BLEEPing idiot!

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Don, seeing as Dorothy's going to be leaving us on Christmas Eve,

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what do you about us all going out for a farewell dinner tonight?

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I've heard about this fantastic new steak house, called Meat Freaks.

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-You know, for people who are freaks for meat.

-OK.

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'I could tell Sam was annoyed with me.

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'I thought I'd better smooth things over.'

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Do you hate me?

0:14:160:14:18

Of course I don't.

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I just think you could have looked at other options first, but it's your house.

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-They've offered me a lot of money.

-I know and I am happy for you.

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I guess I'm just sad to see the old place go. I'm going to miss it.

0:14:310:14:34

Hey, Zeus! I never thought I'd say that!

0:14:350:14:38

-You could move in with me to my next place.

-What?

0:14:380:14:42

Yeah, why not, until you finish your last term?

0:14:420:14:45

We wouldn't have to put up with the Krankies any more.

0:14:450:14:47

Oh, I'm going to be miss being part of the Addams Family.

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Do you think that we'd get on, though? I mean, just the two of us?

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-Get IT on, more like.

-Don!

-What?

0:14:570:14:59

-I thought you were being serious, then.

-I was. I am. I'm sorry! Oh.

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'Smooth, eh?'

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Oh, that's won-tabulous! We'll see you at 2000 hours, then.

0:15:100:15:14

Toodle-pip!

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That's great. Table for five booked at Meat Freaks.

0:15:150:15:19

I'd better get you into some gladrags, Dorothy - excited?

0:15:190:15:23

Good. Thought you'd appreciate that.

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'That night, we all went out for Treacher's farewell dinner.'

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-Hi, we have a reservation?

-Name?

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-Edward Janet Singh.

-Ah, yes, follow me, sir.

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Was she just wearing stockings?

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This is a strange restaurant.

0:15:510:15:53

-Hi, guys, what can I get you?

-Erm...

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Steaks all round?

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-I'm afraid we don't do food.

-This is Meat Freaks, isn't it?

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Certainly is! What is it, are we not all freaky enough for you?

0:16:090:16:14

Hang on, do you mean meat freaks, as in,

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-let's go and meet some freaks?

-You've got it.

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We're the number one nightspot for celebrating the weird and wonderful.

0:16:210:16:26

-You thought this was a steakhouse!

-I'll let you decide on your ord-...

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Oh! Where did you get the massive rat?

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Freaky! (I like it!)

0:16:340:16:37

I should have known, he's done this sort of thing before.

0:16:370:16:42

The other week, it was Chicks With Dicks.

0:16:420:16:44

-Surely that was obvious?

-Turns out it was a nightclub where women

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are only allowed in with someone called Richard.

0:16:480:16:51

Hang on, you actually wanted it to be chicks with dicks?

0:16:510:16:55

Right, so I'm assuming we all want to go somewhere else, right?

0:16:550:16:59

Hang on a minute. I didn't say I wanted to go, did I?

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-It is Dorothy's farewell.

-OK.

0:17:040:17:08

Hey, what's the worst that could happen?

0:17:090:17:12

UPBEAT TRUMPET WITH MUTE PLAYS

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It's weird, being in a club and not being hit on by any dickheads.

0:17:320:17:37

It's a compliment. People come here to meet someone strange.

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Exhibit A.

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-You didn't come out hoping to meet someone, did you?

-Of course not.

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But it's Christmas! It's a bit shit being single this time of year.

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Anyway, I'm going to go for a Francis of Apee-pee.

0:17:520:17:55

Oh, and yes, Don, I would love another drink, thank you(!)

0:17:550:17:59

Well? Surely now's your moment?

0:17:590:18:02

-Really?

-She's practically begging for a boyfriend.

0:18:020:18:06

-I didn't get that.

-Are you an idiot?

0:18:060:18:08

No, Jason, and it hurts my feelings you even asking.

0:18:080:18:11

That's it, I give up. Clearly you don't like her as much as you say.

0:18:110:18:16

You not pulled yet, Gollum?

0:18:180:18:19

I would have thought they'd love you!

0:18:190:18:21

You may be surprised, but I prefer the conventional type.

0:18:210:18:25

-You know - handsome, debonaire.

-That IS surprising.

0:18:250:18:29

And a massive cock.

0:18:290:18:31

Right, great.

0:18:310:18:33

-Hey.

-Hey.

0:18:390:18:42

-You all right?

-Yeah, great.

0:18:420:18:45

Well, maybe not great. I'm dreading tomorrow, to be honest.

0:18:450:18:49

Why? It's Christmas Eve!

0:18:490:18:52

Yeah, and I'm spending it with my mum this year.

0:18:520:18:55

I feel bad, but we just argue all the time,

0:18:550:19:00

so I think, what's the point in going?

0:19:000:19:02

And she always gives me such a hard time about men.

0:19:020:19:05

I'm only 26 and she says I'm wasting my life by being single.

0:19:050:19:09

-That's ridiculous.

-Isn't it?! Having said that,

0:19:090:19:13

I do wish that I had someone to take with me, just to shut her up.

0:19:130:19:18

I think I know someone who might do that for you.

0:19:180:19:22

Really? Who?

0:19:220:19:24

-Hey, what's everyone drinking?

-Wow, you've perked up.

-Yeah.

0:19:280:19:32

I don't feel so bad about going down to my mum's now.

0:19:320:19:35

-Cool.

-Yeah, Jason said he'd come with me.

0:19:350:19:39

-It's really sweet of him, isn't it?

-Yeah. What?!

0:19:390:19:43

I can't believe you're trying to steal Sam from me.

0:19:430:19:45

She's not yours to steal.

0:19:450:19:46

How could you be so evule and hurtfule and spitefule?

0:19:460:19:50

-I warned you it would happen?

-When?

-I told you time and time again -

0:19:500:19:53

-if you don't do it soon, someone else will.

-You never said it would be you!

0:19:530:19:57

You should have read between the lines. Don.

0:19:570:19:59

I'm not clever enough to do that, Jason.

0:19:590:20:02

Look, I like Sam. A lot. I always have.

0:20:040:20:09

So why have you never said anything, then?

0:20:090:20:12

-Because I was being a friend to you.

-A friend? A friend?! A friend?

0:20:120:20:17

A friend, a friend.

0:20:170:20:19

A friend? It sounds weird now, doesn't it? A friend.

0:20:190:20:22

Look, I backed off for ages.

0:20:220:20:25

I kept it to myself and it's been killing me.

0:20:250:20:27

How long was I meant to wait? You're clearly never going to do anything.

0:20:270:20:31

TOILET FLUSHES

0:20:310:20:33

Oh, sorry, I thought this was the men's.

0:20:330:20:36

Yes, it is the men's.

0:20:360:20:39

'So I spent the rest of the night drowning my sorrows.

0:20:400:20:44

'I woke up feeling pretty rotten.'

0:20:440:20:46

No. No, I can't have.

0:20:570:20:59

-Oh fuck!

-All right?

0:21:060:21:09

Listen, whatever happened last night stays between us.

0:21:090:21:13

-Jon Bon Jesus, how drunk did you get me, woman?

-What you talking about?

0:21:130:21:17

This! Us! God, I can't even believe I'm saying "us".

0:21:170:21:21

-I've lowered my standards before, but this is off the scale.

-Eurgh!

0:21:210:21:25

Don't be disgusting. As if I'd ever have you as a sex opponent.

0:21:250:21:30

You mean, we didn't... Course not.

0:21:300:21:32

Eddie put me in here a couple of hours ago,

0:21:320:21:35

cos Gollum did poo-poo in bed.

0:21:350:21:37

Then who was I...?

0:21:370:21:39

Thank God. It was just a male midget.

0:21:450:21:49

'I wasn't prepared to lose Sam.

0:21:510:21:53

'I decided I needed to do something - and quickly.'

0:21:530:21:57

Do you not want to say toodle-pip to Jason and Samantha?

0:21:580:22:01

-They just left.

-Why would I want to say goodbye to Jason?

0:22:010:22:04

He stabbed me in the back.

0:22:040:22:05

-What do you mean?

-He's trying to steal Sam from me.

0:22:050:22:08

I don't understand how he could be so evule.

0:22:080:22:10

He's the first proper, normal friend I've ever had.

0:22:100:22:13

-What about me?

-I said normal.

0:22:130:22:15

Sometimes I just get the feeling people don't care about me, Eddie.

0:22:170:22:20

-Maybe it's something to do with the way you behave.

-Go on.

0:22:200:22:26

I know that deep down you're a good person,

0:22:260:22:29

but maybe if you were a bit nicer to people - a bit more likeable -

0:22:290:22:33

then you'd be more popular.

0:22:330:22:35

APPLAUSE

0:22:370:22:39

Morning, Don!

0:22:390:22:41

-How was your date last night?

-Not great.

0:22:410:22:45

I was sat there for almost an hour, thinking

0:22:450:22:47

she must have gotten cold feet.

0:22:470:22:49

ALL: Aah.

0:22:490:22:51

Turns out I was at the wrong place!

0:22:510:22:54

LAUGHTER

0:22:540:22:55

You see, we were meant to meet at Ricky's Diner,

0:22:560:22:59

but I went to Mickey's Diner!

0:22:590:23:01

Donald, you are sweet.

0:23:030:23:05

CHEERING

0:23:070:23:10

-Morning, Dorothy.

-Good morning, lovely boy.

0:23:100:23:14

-Did you sleep well?

-Actually, no.

0:23:140:23:18

I was up all night tossing and turning.

0:23:180:23:21

Same here. Well, more tossing than turning, if you know what I mean!

0:23:210:23:26

SILENCE

0:23:260:23:27

I am trying to be a better person, Eddie. Look,

0:23:320:23:35

-I'm writing a song for Samantha, for her Christmas present.

-Lovely!

0:23:350:23:38

I want to seduce her with my melodies.

0:23:380:23:39

I figure it's the only way I can genuinely express myself without messing it up.

0:23:390:23:43

Lovely!

0:23:430:23:45

Then, when she realises she should be with me,

0:23:450:23:47

Jason can go fuck himself, deep in his own asshole.

0:23:470:23:50

Oh, lovely(!)

0:23:500:23:53

Could you drive me down to her mum's tonight, to drop it off?

0:23:530:23:56

I can't, Don. I'm meant to be dropping Dot off at the elderly centre later.

0:23:560:23:59

Please, Eddie.

0:23:590:24:00

We'll just drive down, drop off the present

0:24:000:24:03

and drive back before the old fogey home closes.

0:24:030:24:05

Please? Come on, when do I ever ask for anything from you?

0:24:050:24:08

All right, silly question.

0:24:080:24:11

All right, Don. If it helps you get the girl, then you can count on me.

0:24:110:24:15

-Why do you keep...?

-I don't know.

0:24:150:24:17

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

0:24:170:24:21

-# Everywhere you go.

-#

0:24:210:24:27

-Merry Chrimble, Samantha!

-Hello.

0:24:290:24:33

-You back home for the holly-bubs, are you?

-Yeah.

0:24:340:24:36

-Jason, these are our neighbours - Anne and Derek Yeaman.

-Hi.

0:24:360:24:40

-Yes, we are. High on life.

-Poppets, come and say greetings.

0:24:400:24:45

-Hello, do you remember me?

-What's your name, little fella?

-Billy.

0:24:450:24:49

-My name's Samantha.

-Jason.

0:24:490:24:51

No, Samantha.

0:24:510:24:53

She is a beacon of light in a world of darkness.

0:24:560:25:00

They chose her name because of me.

0:25:000:25:02

And I pray every night that she grows up to look just like you.

0:25:020:25:07

Oh, thanks.

0:25:070:25:09

Now, now, poppet, behave,

0:25:090:25:12

otherwise Santa won't visit us tonight.

0:25:120:25:14

(Highly unlikely.)

0:25:140:25:17

Yes, Dalek has hired a Santa Claus to visit this evening.

0:25:170:25:20

Can't wait to see the little mites' faces.

0:25:200:25:23

-Dalek?

-It's just a silly nickname for Derek.

0:25:230:25:27

Exterminate! Exterminate!

0:25:270:25:30

Hello! Mum?

0:25:340:25:37

THEY WHISPER

0:25:370:25:40

Yes, can I help?

0:25:400:25:42

-Merry Christmas.

-I'm sorry, you are...?

0:25:420:25:46

I mean, you resemble my daughter, but it's been so long

0:25:460:25:51

since she visited, I barely remember what she looks like.

0:25:510:25:55

Mother, let's not cause a scene. We have company, see?

0:25:550:25:58

-You didn't tell me you were bringing a boy.

-Yes, this is Jason.

0:26:000:26:05

-Jeanette Parker, nee Whittle.

-Nice to meet you.

0:26:050:26:08

-What do you do for a living?

-Mum!

-What? I'm getting to know the man.

0:26:080:26:14

I'm a manager of a shop.

0:26:140:26:17

Oh, so, what is it?

0:26:170:26:19

Is he great in the bedroom?

0:26:190:26:22

-Mum!

-Drink, Jason?

0:26:220:26:24

It's two o'clock.

0:26:240:26:26

-No, it's Christmas.

-Yeah, why not? I'll have a...

0:26:260:26:30

You'll have what you're given.

0:26:300:26:33

-I warned you she can be a total nightmare.

-No, she seems fine.

0:26:350:26:39

< Jason?

0:26:390:26:41

I'm assuming you'll probably want Malibu. Am I right?

0:26:410:26:47

-It stinks in here.

-Sorry.

0:26:500:26:53

-That was you?

-Don't know.

0:26:530:26:56

Happens without me knowing these days.

0:26:560:26:58

Smells like one of mine, though.

0:26:580:27:02

What are we doing?

0:27:020:27:04

We need to get some snacks. Dorothy, would you like a refrigerated scotch egg from the petrol shop?

0:27:040:27:09

-Yeah, all right.

-You're getting out?

0:27:090:27:12

You actually want people to know you're the driver of this thing?

0:27:120:27:14

Why? What's wrong with it?

0:27:140:27:17

# Away in a manger... #

0:27:200:27:25

Ah.

0:27:250:27:26

Oh, the tree is beautiful, isn't she?

0:27:280:27:33

Look at me, I'm weeping like a small girl's blouse.

0:27:350:27:38

-I just love Christmas so much.

-Oh, darling.

0:27:400:27:44

Listen, why don't you pop yourself upstairs and have

0:27:440:27:49

a nice, hot, creamy, bubble bath,

0:27:490:27:51

before (you-know-who arrives)?

0:27:510:27:54

Good idea, Booby. I'm a bit of a Sweaty Betty, aren't I?

0:27:540:27:59

-Which one is it?

-Not sure. It's one of these.

0:27:590:28:02

OK, well, good luck.

0:28:020:28:05

Hmmm.

0:28:050:28:07

What's up?

0:28:070:28:08

It seems a shame to come all this way just to drop off a present.

0:28:080:28:12

Don, I told you, I have to get back to drop Dorothy off.

0:28:120:28:14

No, no, no, it's fine. We won't stay.

0:28:140:28:17

I just want to make a big entrance, win Sam's affections,

0:28:170:28:21

emotionally seduce her.

0:28:210:28:23

So when I leave, she's all like,

0:28:230:28:25

"Oh, I miss Don, I wish he was still here."

0:28:250:28:27

And then Jason can go fuck himself deep in his own asshole!

0:28:270:28:30

I saw a man do that once on the internet.

0:28:300:28:34

Not as arousing as it sounds.

0:28:340:28:37

Yeah, I'm really going to miss you, Dobbo(!)

0:28:370:28:41

Ooh, why don't you wear my Santa suit?

0:28:410:28:44

No-one can resist Father Christmas. Works every time.

0:28:440:28:48

Bon Jovi, Eddie, you might be on to something there. Clever balls.

0:28:480:28:53

# Oh, come all ye faithful... #

0:28:530:28:57

Mummy, look!

0:28:570:28:59

Oh!

0:28:590:29:02

Dalek! Dalek!

0:29:020:29:05

Our guest has arrived.

0:29:050:29:08

# To Be-ethlehem

0:29:080:29:11

-# Come and behold him Born the King of Angels.

-#

0:29:110:29:15

I can't wait to see their faces when I bowl in dressed like this.

0:29:150:29:19

What an entrance. Jesus, Eddie, these are massive.

0:29:190:29:23

What size are you, you fatty, bum-bum?

0:29:230:29:25

I like to be very method when I'm playing Santa, Don.

0:29:250:29:28

I want it to be authentic.

0:29:280:29:30

I suppose you could call my approach "Santaslavski"!

0:29:300:29:35

HE CHUCKLES

0:29:350:29:36

-Psst!

-Over here.

0:29:380:29:41

-That must be Sam's mum. Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

0:29:410:29:45

-Hey.

-Hi?

0:29:450:29:47

-Are you Sam's mum?

-Indeed, I am.

0:29:470:29:50

She is going to be so excited to see you.

0:29:500:29:52

-Really? She mentions me?

-She talks about nothing else.

0:29:520:29:55

Oh, wow. I have to say, you're much younger than I imagined.

0:29:550:30:00

Stop that immediately, St Nicholas.

0:30:000:30:03

Come on.

0:30:030:30:06

# Ding-dong merrily on high.. #

0:30:060:30:08

-Look who I've just found.

-Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas...

0:30:080:30:12

-Every...body.

-Santa!

0:30:120:30:15

Oh, er...hello, children, have you been good this year?

0:30:150:30:20

-I have, I have.

-Yes, yes, yes.

0:30:200:30:22

FARTING

0:30:240:30:26

Did I do it again?

0:30:290:30:30

SINGS HYMN LUSTILY

0:30:300:30:33

-He's here.

-Who's here?

-The Santa you booked.

-He said he wouldn't be here until 8.30?

0:30:460:30:51

-Is it?

-Is that your beard?

-All right, chill your boots.

0:30:510:30:55

-I love you, Santa.

-That's a bit gay.

-Where are our presents, Santa?

0:30:550:31:01

-Yeah, we want our presents.

-I don't have any presents.

0:31:010:31:04

Maybe she's upstairs.

0:31:040:31:05

CHANTING: Presents, presents, presents, presents, presents...

0:31:050:31:09

All right, shush your mouths. I'll give you a present.

0:31:090:31:13

There you go. Now, shut up.

0:31:150:31:17

What? Screwdriver.

0:31:220:31:25

Anyway, you're throwing me in the old biddies' bin on Monday.

0:31:250:31:29

-My windy backside will be someone else's problem.

-Strange.

0:31:290:31:36

-Nights, holy night... Merry Christmas.

-Who's...?

0:31:430:31:49

-Keep quiet about this, yeah?

-Who are you? And what are you doing here?

0:31:530:31:57

I thought you knew. I'm here for Samantha.

0:31:570:32:00

-Oh, Jesus, our Lord and saviour.

-What do you want with her?

-Well...

0:32:000:32:06

-I'll be honest, I'm here to seduce her.

-Why would you do that?

0:32:060:32:11

-Well, cos she's sexy.

-God, you are sick.

0:32:130:32:17

I think you should leave, before we call the policeman.

0:32:170:32:21

Whoa, no, wait, wait. I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.

0:32:210:32:25

You see I'm fairly certain she feels the same way about me.

0:32:250:32:28

-We almost made love once.

-Oh!

0:32:280:32:31

-Please, come on.

-Oh.

0:32:350:32:39

# Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus... #

0:32:430:32:50

Which one's Dickhead? I can't tell.

0:32:540:32:56

Stop!

0:32:580:32:59

I'm not sure, but I think he's the one being hit.

0:33:000:33:04

Please.

0:33:160:33:17

I'm sorry.

0:33:190:33:20

Maybe they didn't like his present.

0:33:220:33:24

What's going on? Is everything all right?

0:33:260:33:28

-A paedophile has intruded our home.

-Hey, Sam.

0:33:280:33:33

-Merry Christmas!

-Don?

0:33:330:33:37

Well, that went well.

0:33:390:33:42

Right, I've calmed the Yeamans' down,

0:33:470:33:49

they're not going to call the police now.

0:33:490:33:51

I should be the one calls them, after what that Santa did to me.

0:33:510:33:54

That's what Greg Pitcher's victim said.

0:33:540:33:56

You completely ruined their Christmas. You're such a fuckwit.

0:33:560:34:00

I'm sorry. I was trying to do something nice for you.

0:34:000:34:03

Look, I've brought you your present, see?

0:34:030:34:07

You could have just given this when I got back.

0:34:070:34:08

But I wanted you to open it on Christmas Day.

0:34:080:34:12

It's a...very personal present.

0:34:120:34:16

Right. Well, thanks.

0:34:160:34:21

Merry Christmas?

0:34:210:34:24

Don, are you all right?

0:34:270:34:29

It's probably time to hit the hay. Big day tomorrow.

0:34:350:34:37

-Oh, you're probably right. Jamal, will you help me up?

-It's Jason.

0:34:370:34:43

It's what?

0:34:430:34:45

Ooh, haven't you got lovely, long fingers!

0:34:470:34:50

I wonder what you get up to with those?

0:34:500:34:54

Right, here you go.

0:34:580:34:59

Oh, I thought...you know, we...

0:34:590:35:05

-We might be sharing.

-Oh!

0:35:050:35:08

Um, Jason, I...

0:35:080:35:10

Look, I really appreciate you coming here with me,

0:35:100:35:14

but it was never like that.

0:35:140:35:15

-I thought you knew. Sorry!

-No, it's fine.

0:35:150:35:20

I didn't have any plans this year, anyway, so, eh...

0:35:200:35:23

-Cool.

-Yeah.

0:35:230:35:27

OK... All right. I'll see you in the morning. OK.

0:35:270:35:32

Not so fast, young man.

0:35:470:35:49

If she's not interested,

0:35:490:35:51

I certainly want to see what you can do with those fingers.

0:35:510:35:55

# MUSIC: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel

0:35:550:35:58

Well, it's too late to drop Dot off now.

0:36:070:36:10

I just hope they don't mind us arriving on Christmas morning.

0:36:100:36:13

Ah, Dot, are you sure you should be drinking that now?

0:36:130:36:16

Don't be such a poof!

0:36:160:36:18

Eddie, I've been thinking.

0:36:180:36:21

After she's moved out, there's no real reason for you to be here?

0:36:210:36:25

I'd still like to come over and help out around the house.

0:36:250:36:28

-Nothing's changed there.

-But I'm moving out soon.

0:36:280:36:31

It's time I got used to doing things on my own -

0:36:310:36:33

without you and Treacher.

0:36:330:36:35

And...Sam.

0:36:350:36:37

-But I...

-I' ve already thought about this.

-What if...

-Sorry.

0:36:390:36:42

-But I...

-No.

-Maybe...

-I can't.

-Don...

-No.

0:36:420:36:46

-What if...

-I'm sorry.

-Don...

-Please.

0:36:460:36:48

-Don't.

-Please... .

-No. I can't... Stop this madness!

0:36:480:36:52

Look, it's been great having you around, but I just think

0:36:540:36:59

we all have to accept it's the end of an era.

0:36:590:37:03

OK?

0:37:030:37:04

Absolutely.

0:37:050:37:06

-What are you doing?

-Come on.

0:37:120:37:15

-No, no, no.

-Come on.

0:37:150:37:18

Ow.

0:37:180:37:19

What have I told you about hugging me?

0:37:300:37:33

-If I ever do it again, you'll kick me the penis?

-Yes.

0:37:330:37:37

Now, if you don't mind, I'm feeling depressed and horny,

0:37:370:37:41

so I'm going to go upstairs and masturcry.

0:37:410:37:44

Goodnight.

0:37:440:37:45

Masturcry? Mastur... Oh! Oh.

0:37:480:37:52

'So on Christmas Day 2011, Eddie took Dorothy Treacher to her new home.'

0:37:560:38:02

So, welcome to your new home, Dorothy.

0:38:020:38:05

Not very attractive, are they?

0:38:050:38:08

Oh, it's a companion you're after, is it?

0:38:080:38:11

Companion, fuck-buddy, sex opponent - whatever you want to call it.

0:38:110:38:15

-Could we just have a moment, please?

-Of course.

0:38:160:38:20

-Dot.

-What?

-What did I tell you about how to behave in this place?

0:38:220:38:26

Behave as badly as possible?

0:38:260:38:29

'Meanwhile, I was spending Christmas Day all on my lonesome.

0:38:300:38:35

'At least next year, I'll have loads of money and a new bachelor pad.

0:38:350:38:40

'# Tra la la la la, la la la la. #'

0:38:400:38:43

So, hello, Samantha. Welcome to your Christmas present.

0:39:010:39:05

I've never been very good at expressing myself,

0:39:050:39:08

always seem to say the wrong thing, so I've decided to write you a song.

0:39:080:39:12

I hope you like it.

0:39:120:39:14

# Christmas time is for giving

0:39:190:39:25

# And for living out your fantasies

0:39:260:39:32

# So I would like to get naked

0:39:340:39:39

# And by naked, I mean, emotionally

0:39:410:39:46

# I want to tell you what's on my mind

0:39:510:39:54

# I think about you every day and night

0:39:540:39:58

# I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me

0:39:580:40:03

# That's my fantasy

0:40:040:40:07

# I know I've done some things that are stupid

0:40:090:40:14

# But I hope that one day you will forgive me

0:40:180:40:22

# I want to tell you what's on my mind

0:40:250:40:29

# I think about you every day and night

0:40:290:40:33

# I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me

0:40:330:40:37

# That's my fantasy

0:40:390:40:43

# You and me

0:40:430:40:46

# That's my fantasy

0:40:460:40:49

# Let's make this a bit more Christmassy, come on

0:40:490:40:52

# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time

0:40:520:41:00

# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time

0:41:000:41:06

# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time

0:41:080:41:13

# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time. #

0:41:160:41:18

What are you doing?

0:41:180:41:20

I want to spend Christmas with Don.

0:41:200:41:23

# Christmas time. #

0:41:230:41:25

And mum?

0:41:250:41:26

Please try and stop hating everyone all the time.

0:41:260:41:30

# Christmas time

0:41:310:41:33

I don't hate everyone, do I?

0:41:330:41:37

# Christmas time

0:41:380:41:41

# Christmas time

0:41:420:41:44

# With you, me and you. #

0:41:470:41:52

Is there any pudding, Eddie?

0:41:570:41:59

Christmas isn't Christmas without Christmas pudding.

0:41:590:42:02

I don't care, I want it now.

0:42:020:42:04

You want Christmas pudding, don't you, Samantha?

0:42:040:42:07

What's that, Gollum? You want to pull a cracker? Yeah, sure, OK.

0:42:070:42:13

Grab hold of it. I win. You're all right, aren't you?

0:42:130:42:16

You haven't had a heart attack.

0:42:160:42:18

DOORBELL RINGS

0:42:180:42:20

Oh, I suppose I've got to get that, have I?

0:42:200:42:23

DOORBELL RINGS

0:42:230:42:25

Is the doorbell actually ringing or is that part

0:42:250:42:27

of this strangely vivid hallucination I'm having?

0:42:270:42:30

DOORBELL RINGS

0:42:300:42:32

All right, I'll get it.

0:42:320:42:33

Hey. What are you doing back?

0:42:390:42:41

Surprise!

0:42:410:42:43

'I couldn't believe it. Abby Jones, the girl I used to have

0:42:440:42:47

'a big thing for, sitting in my living room again.

0:42:470:42:49

'I hadn't seen her in over two years. We spent ages catching up.'

0:42:490:42:54

Let me get this straight, you flew to New Zealand, met a guy,

0:42:540:42:57

you came back, got married, flew back to New Zealand, got divorced

0:42:570:43:01

and now you're back again.

0:43:010:43:03

You make it sound like we were barely married.

0:43:030:43:05

-How long were you together for?

-Six months.

0:43:050:43:09

-Yeah. All right.

-Sorry.

0:43:110:43:15

-So, I was hoping that there might be room at the inn.

-Which inn?

0:43:150:43:19

-Can I crash here for a few days?

-Oh, right, yes. Of course you can.

0:43:200:43:25

It's just until I get the courage to go home and face the music.

0:43:250:43:29

You can stay as long as you like. You can have my bed if you want.

0:43:290:43:33

-Don't be daft, I'm fine on the sofa.

-Are you insane in the mind?

0:43:330:43:36

It's freezing down here and we've only got one heater.

0:43:360:43:39

I don't mind sharing, that will keep us warm.

0:43:390:43:42

-Head to toe, like a sleepover?

-Hmm, sleepover.

0:43:430:43:46

-Don Danbury, you have not changed.

-You mean I haven't aged?

0:43:470:43:51

-Thank you very much.

-I wasn't saying that.

-Oi!

0:43:510:43:54

I'm just going to go and check to see what state my room's in.

0:44:030:44:07

Don!

0:44:150:44:16

Oh. Sorry, I didn't know that Don had company.

0:44:160:44:21

I'm Abby.

0:44:210:44:22

Abby. Yeah, right, Don's mentioned you.

0:44:250:44:27

Sorry, you are?

0:44:270:44:30

-Sam, Don's...flatmate.

-He didn't mention he had a flatmate.

0:44:300:44:35

He didn't?

0:44:350:44:37

No, of course he didn't. I mean, why would he?

0:44:370:44:41

Abigail, are you coming up or what?

0:44:420:44:45

It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.

0:44:450:44:47

No, no, they're a bit tight. They're pinching me.

0:45:100:45:14

-Can I have a word?

-You can have two if you like.

0:45:160:45:20

One of them's "off".

0:45:200:45:22

-Don, I've come to apologise.

-It's a bit late, innit?

0:45:220:45:25

-Please, can we talk in private?

-Lover's tiff?

0:45:250:45:29

-Look, Don, I'm sorry, OK?

-Are you? Are you sorry?

0:45:350:45:38

-Are you actually sorry?

-You know, I have feelings too.

0:45:380:45:43

I've been besotted with Sam for ages.

0:45:430:45:44

I've had to sit here and listen to you go on and on about it.

0:45:440:45:47

How about you listen to how I feel?

0:45:470:45:49

I listen. I'm a great listener. People call me "The Listener".

0:45:490:45:55

Look, I thought about what I did to you and, yeah,

0:45:550:45:58

I could have handled it better.

0:45:580:46:01

I'm sorry.

0:46:010:46:02

I'm actually quite ashamed.

0:46:020:46:04

Look, if I'm being honest, I'm just a bit lonely, Don,

0:46:050:46:09

and I just want to be... You think we could complete in two days?

0:46:090:46:12

-Don!

-I'll call you back. Sorry, what?

0:46:120:46:17

Never mind.

0:46:170:46:18

So, anyway, I hear Abby's back in town, right?

0:46:180:46:22

-How did you hear about that?

-Well, Sam told me.

0:46:220:46:24

You've seen Sam? Where is she? She hasn't been to the house.

0:46:240:46:28

Well, you're shacked up with Abby, aren't you?

0:46:280:46:30

I'm not shacked up with Abby!

0:46:300:46:33

-That's what Sam seems to think.

-What? No! No!

0:46:330:46:37

I don't get it. Why does she think you are, then?

0:46:370:46:40

Oi, Abigail, are you coming up or what?

0:46:400:46:42

It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.

0:46:420:46:45

-Hey.

-Hey.

-You didn't tell me you had a gorgeous new flatmate!

0:46:470:46:51

Oh, what, Sam? Yeah. She's been here a while now.

0:46:510:46:54

-She seems really nice.

-How would you know?

-I just met her. Downstairs.

0:46:540:47:00

Sam! Sam?

0:47:000:47:03

Are you sure it was her?

0:47:080:47:09

No, you're right, I must have imagined talking to her.

0:47:090:47:13

I don't get it.

0:47:130:47:14

Don, what is going on?

0:47:140:47:16

This may be the most grown-up thing I've ever said,

0:47:160:47:19

but I don't think I can sleep with you tonight.

0:47:190:47:21

-We were only sharing a bed.

-Yeah, but it might have led to something.

0:47:210:47:25

-It wouldn't.

-It might, you know what it's like.

0:47:250:47:28

-It wouldn't have.

-Cuddling, spooning.

-It really wouldn't have.

0:47:280:47:31

Don't get me wrong, I used to have a crush on you.

0:47:310:47:34

I can't believe I finally admitted that!

0:47:340:47:37

See? I can express myself. I'm growing up.

0:47:370:47:40

But I love Sam. She's the first person I've ever developed a proper connection with.

0:47:420:47:49

'I waited up all night for Sam to return.

0:47:570:48:00

'But she never did.'

0:48:040:48:05

So now, she won't even return my calls.

0:48:070:48:10

SOBBING

0:48:100:48:12

Dude, are you crying?

0:48:150:48:16

You really love her, don't you? And she doesn't even know it.

0:48:160:48:21

Hey. Hey, there, there.

0:48:230:48:26

I'm sorry. I'm just an old romantic at heart.

0:48:260:48:30

You're telling me!

0:48:300:48:32

Hey, listen,

0:48:320:48:33

if the Bridges of Madison County ever comes on your telly, switch it over.

0:48:330:48:38

-That would floor you!

-Yeah!

0:48:380:48:41

People can see us!

0:48:440:48:46

-Come on, Jase, tell me where Sam is, please.

-She's staying at mine.

0:48:470:48:52

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to see her.

0:48:520:48:56

-She's out. She knew you'd be out, so she went to get her stuff from your place.

-Donald!

0:48:560:49:00

-We need to have words.

-Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.

0:49:000:49:04

I don't think so, Mister, come here, immediately.

0:49:040:49:06

I'll deal with this.

0:49:060:49:09

Go!

0:49:120:49:13

Get out of the way.

0:49:150:49:18

Get out!

0:49:180:49:19

I will step over you.

0:49:190:49:21

Sam! Sam?

0:49:230:49:26

-Has Sam been back here?

-Yes, she left about 20 minutes ago. She was in a bit of a panic.

0:49:260:49:31

-What do you mean?

-She mentioned a message on the answer machine.

0:49:310:49:35

She was a bit frosty with me, to be honest,

0:49:350:49:38

so I just kept out of her way.

0:49:380:49:39

'Hi, there, this is Belinda Myers from the Elderly Centre.

0:49:410:49:45

'We're having a bit of an emergency with Dorothy Treacher and wondered

0:49:450:49:47

'if you could pop down as soon as possible.'

0:49:470:49:49

-I didn't know people still had an answering machines!

-I didn't know WE had one.

0:49:490:49:54

Listen, Abby, I need your help. I've got to try and win Sam back.

0:49:540:49:57

-I'm all yours. What do you need?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

0:49:570:50:00

Please open the door, Dorothy.

0:50:000:50:03

Treach, it's me, Sam.

0:50:030:50:05

I just swung by for a visit.

0:50:050:50:08

-Hey, is everything OK?

-Thanks for coming.

0:50:080:50:10

It's all right, I'm here for her.

0:50:100:50:12

Right, she's locked herself in her room...

0:50:120:50:14

No, no, no, I'm here for HER. We need to talk.

0:50:140:50:18

Don, we're worried about Treacher.

0:50:180:50:21

She's been in there for ages.

0:50:210:50:22

I'm not with Abby. I never was.

0:50:220:50:24

Well, what's she doing here, then?

0:50:240:50:27

She just gave me a lift.

0:50:270:50:28

I wanted to help him get to you.

0:50:280:50:30

What's going on?

0:50:300:50:31

I'm trying to win Sam back.

0:50:310:50:33

Actually, we're trying to help Dorothy.

0:50:330:50:35

We're trying to help Dorothy,

0:50:350:50:36

but while they're doing that, I'm trying to win Sam back.

0:50:360:50:39

I'll go for the door.

0:50:390:50:40

I saw her go up to you.

0:50:400:50:42

Then I came back down, but you were gone.

0:50:420:50:45

Sam, you have always been the one for me.

0:50:450:50:49

We're the same.

0:50:490:50:51

Do you really think this can work?

0:50:520:50:54

I mean, we are both terrible at relationships.

0:50:540:50:58

Exactly, we're the same.

0:50:580:51:00

Please open the door, Dorothy.

0:51:000:51:03

I listened to that song you wrote.

0:51:030:51:06

And?

0:51:070:51:08

I loved it.

0:51:100:51:11

Holy Costner.

0:51:210:51:23

For BLEEP sake, Henry, will you just get it in me.

0:51:230:51:27

It's no use, Dorothy.

0:51:270:51:29

Too many creases and wrinkles and I can't tell which one's your muffin.

0:51:290:51:32

I'm sorry, but in all the time I've worked here,

0:51:360:51:39

I've never seen such disgusting things.

0:51:390:51:41

And I've worked here for three weeks.

0:51:410:51:44

She's a bad influence.

0:51:440:51:46

She's been here for six days and she's created chaos.

0:51:460:51:48

She steals medication, she crushes her pills and snorts them,

0:51:480:51:52

uses profanities at the top of her voice,

0:51:520:51:54

she walks around in the nude,

0:51:540:51:56

she sexually dominates the weaker gentleman.

0:51:560:51:58

ALL: Aw!

0:51:580:52:00

Classic Treacher.

0:52:000:52:02

It pains me to say this,

0:52:020:52:03

but we're going to have to let her go, I'm sorry.

0:52:030:52:06

-No!

-What? You can't do that.

0:52:060:52:08

She's got nowhere else to go.

0:52:080:52:10

-I got here as quick as I could.

-Why?

0:52:120:52:15

I don't know.

0:52:170:52:19

Eddie, can you look after her for a while,

0:52:200:52:22

just till we find another place to go?

0:52:220:52:24

I'd love to, but I'm sleeping in the Santa van at the moment.

0:52:240:52:27

-Living the American dream.

-Stop it.

-Sorry.

0:52:270:52:30

-Could you do it?

-Me? No, I can't.

0:52:300:52:34

-I don't know where I'm going to be.

-I'll take her.

-What?

0:52:340:52:38

No, she'll just have to find another place again when you move out.

0:52:380:52:42

Not if I don't sell.

0:52:420:52:44

Guys, I spent one day in that house on my own

0:52:440:52:46

and I almost went insane.

0:52:460:52:49

All right, I went insane.

0:52:490:52:51

Look, you're my family and I missed you.

0:52:510:52:56

Yes, even Gollum, believe it or not.

0:52:560:52:59

That will be a lot of money you are turning down.

0:53:010:53:03

I don't care. I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

0:53:030:53:07

You see, I'm growing up and taking some responsibility.

0:53:070:53:10

And now that I've grown up and become a man,

0:53:100:53:13

there's just one last thing I need to say to you.

0:53:130:53:15

What's that?

0:53:150:53:17

Will you come out with me?

0:53:170:53:19

SHE LAUGHS

0:53:190:53:21

Oh...

0:53:250:53:26

-Yes!

-Oh, why did you wait that long?!

0:53:350:53:37

That was like an X Factor result pause! That was horrible!

0:53:370:53:41

Come here.

0:53:430:53:44

I told you it would work, didn't I?

0:53:510:53:53

-Dot?

-What?

0:53:540:53:56

What did I tell you about how to behave in this place?

0:53:560:53:59

Behave as badly as possible?

0:53:590:54:02

Exactly.

0:54:060:54:07

Hey, you're not going to grow up too much, are you?

0:54:120:54:16

Because I quite like the fact that you're a bit of a fuckwit.

0:54:160:54:19

Hmm. "Cool-smart".

0:54:190:54:22

-Come on, everybody!

-Ten...

0:54:230:54:26

ALL: Nine...eight...

0:54:260:54:28

Wait, is it the time already?

0:54:280:54:30

ALL: ..six...

0:54:300:54:31

No, it's just gone six. They need to be in bed, so we're pretending it's 12 already.

0:54:310:54:35

ALL: ..two...one...

0:54:350:54:37

ALL: Happy New Year!

0:54:370:54:40

CHEERING

0:54:400:54:43

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind... #

0:54:430:54:50

# Walking through the doors to somewhere else

0:54:520:54:55

# Turning the handle I watched it melt - all over me

0:54:550:55:00

# Picking up the ways I couldn't be

0:55:000:55:02

# Picking up the things I never see

0:55:020:55:04

# In front of my eyes

0:55:040:55:08

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:55:080:55:11

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:55:130:55:16

# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:55:170:55:22

# Yeah, it's going to be

0:55:220:55:23

# Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:55:230:55:27

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

0:55:270:55:29

# Took a little time but now he's changed

0:55:290:55:32

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

0:55:320:55:34

# Took a little time but now he's changed

0:55:340:55:36

# Whoa, whoa

0:55:360:55:37

# Whoa, whoa

0:55:370:55:38

# Took a little time but now he's changed

0:55:380:55:41

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:55:410:55:45

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:55:480:55:51

Is it going to be all right now?

0:55:510:55:53

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:55:530:55:56

# Is it going to be? Is it going to be?

0:55:560:55:57

# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:55:570:56:00

# Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:56:000:56:02

# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:56:020:56:05

# It's not going to be all right

0:56:050:56:07

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:56:070:56:09

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:56:110:56:16

# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:56:160:56:19

# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:56:210:56:26

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:56:260:56:28

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:56:300:56:35

# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:56:350:56:39

# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right

0:56:390:56:44

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?

0:56:440:56:48

# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? #

0:56:480:56:52

THEY CHEER

0:56:520:56:53

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:56:530:56:56

It's Christmas time in the Danbury household and Don is making a final, desperate attempt to lead a normal life. But he has to contend with an out-of-control OAP, a violent Santa and someone close to home winning over his dream girl.


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