Whistleblowing In With the Flynns

Get in! That was embarrassing, Mikey.

-I don't want to see that behaviour again.

-What was he doing?

-Shouting abuse, basically, at some other kid.

-It wasn't abuse.

-You were calling him a loser.

-He is a loser.

Our team beat his team last Saturday. It's not abuse, it's a scientific fact.

See what I mean? We need a serious chat about your son's attitude.

Oh, I've got attitude. Watch my victory dance.

Psych!

-What was that?

-You never saw Mike Summerbee doing victory dances.

-Why? Was he a loser too?

-All right, Dad. He's just a kid.

He doesn't know what he's saying.

I've told her, Liam. She wants to straighten this lad out.

It's not my concern, Jim. You created this monster.

He wouldn't even be playing football if you hadn't forced him into it.

-What do you mean "forced"?

-I don't know what she's talking about. The boy made a choice.

Right then, Mikey,

after-school club.

The world's your oyster.

What do you fancy?

Here you are, Grandad. Dance class. I'm signing up for this.

Hang on. Let's see what else they've got first.

I don't care what else they've got.

I want to do dance. I want to learn the Lindy Hop.

-The what?

-The Lindy Hop. It's on Strictly.

-I could be the next Chris Hollins.

-Here you go, look. Football.

I don't like to play football. I like to dance.

Oh, look.

The pencil won't reach. What a shame.

Here's a dance pencil.

-So football it is, then.

-HE SIGHS

To be fair to Dad, you can't live in Manchester and not be able to kick a football.

Phil Neville seemed to manage it!

Yes, very good.

Can we keep this on topic, please?

Fine. The topic is your son's unsportsmanlike behaviour.

OK. Mikey, no more football.

Whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute.

Who are you punishing? Him or me?

Jim, I've not got time for this.

I've got a hair appointment to get to.

Oh, well, that's obviously more important.

It is actually. She's been looking forward to it for ages.

Only a woman can look forward to a haircut.

It's functional. Get in, get out, hope they don't draw blood.

Oh, by the way, can you fit me in next Tuesday?

Yes, I'll cut your hair, Jim, but you can do your own nostrils this time.

Oh, my God, Uncle Tommy. I don't believe it.

-Oh, you found my little present, then?

-Yeah! How did you get them?

Oh, I know this bloke.

You always know a bloke. How many blokes do you know?

I know about...96 blokes.

Dad, Uncle Tommy got me tickets to see JLS in concert.

-Oh, that's great.

-No, no.

You don't understand. It's amazing.

It's a tiny little gig in this secret club.

-It'll be like they're in our own house.

-Wow, that is amazing.

You don't understand. It's incredible.

It's, like, 300 people and me and my friends will be four of them.

-Hey, that is incredible.

-No.

It's genius.

-Yeah, I know, I know.

-Oh, forget it. I knew you wouldn't understand.

No, darling, I do understand.

That's really great, love.

You just don't get it at all, do you?

I don't know how you understand my daughter better than me.

That's what happens when you work nights.

-Yeah, how very selfish of me.

-Don't worry.

I've been spending a lot of time here so any questions you've got, you just ask me.

OK, here's a question. Why are you sleeping on me couch?

Caroline said I wasn't allowed upstairs.

She said it'd be inappropriate.

Here's another one. Is that my deodorant?

PHONE RINGS

-Who's that?

-Difficult to tell from here.

-Don't answer it.

-Why not?

Caroline, if you trust me you will not answer that phone.

Hello? Oh, hi, Rachel. How are you?

-Oi, is someone after you?

-No.

-What was that all about, then?

I thought it was one of those automated sales calls. They're a right pain.

Are you in danger?

If you are, I'd really like you to get out me house.

No. Look, it's not like that at all.

-I'm trying to avoid this woman, right? Psycho Sarah.

-Oh.

Just this woman I was seeing.

Obviously, she got a bit too attached.

-I had to say I was going to Bologna.

-That's why you're sleeping on my couch.

That and your peerless selection of breakfast cereals, yeah.

-What are you avoiding this woman for?

-Because she's crazy.

What, really crazy or just pretending to be in Bologna crazy?

She's a total nut job. I should know. I was seeing her for five weeks.

Five weeks! That's like marriage by your standards.

-How come we never met her?

-Oh, I don't know, Liam.

-Do I know every intimate personal detail of your life?

-Yeah.

You pretty much do live in my house.

-Yeah, well, some of us like to retain an air of mystery.

-Hang on,

if she's such a nutter, why did it take you five weeks to end it?

You should taste her flapjacks.

No, of course I understand.

That's absolutely fine. I'll take care of it.

You just make sure you get better.

Bye now. Bye-bye.

-Oh, the lying cow!

-What?

Josh's mum can't take the boys swimming because she's got a stomach bug.

There is that thing going round.

Oh, rubbish. Every time it's her turn to take them, something comes up.

I'm so sorry, Caroline.

I've been called into work. It's a really last-minute thing. Yeah.

I'm on my way now.

Food poisoning. I think it's awful. I can't keep anything down.

I've got to wait in for a delivery. It could be any time between eight and six.

Bye.

Oh, come on. How do you know you're not just imagining it?

I saw her at the gym when she was supposed to be having an in-growing toenail removed.

-It's outrageous.

-I told you not to pick up the phone.

There goes my hair appointment.

No, not if she's lying. Stand up for yourself, woman.

That's the thing. I can't be 100% sure she's lying.

Call her bluff. Tell her she's a faker.

Be careful with that. I made a terrible mistake once.

Ended up having to make an apology and a very hefty donation to Help The Aged.

All right, well, you get your hair done.

-I'll take the kids.

-Oh, no.

You've been working nights all week, you need to rest. I'll sort it.

Oh, remind me again when the kids are leaving home.

I reckon seven years.

Chloe will move out, Stevie will be at university,

Mikey will be in prison.

Well, that's the dream.

Steve, come on. It's time to go.

Oi. You could've offered to drive, you know.

I can't. I'm supposed to be in Bologna.

Why Bologna anyway? Why didn't you say Rome?

No, it's too touristy.

Hold on.

Four missed calls, Liam. Four!

She's clinically obsessed with me.

-You've got her listed as Psycho Sarah.

-Yeah, that's to distinguish her.

What, from all the other psychos you know?

Yeah. Don't you think it's pretty sick, Dad.

A woman who wants to go out with you?

-Yeah, I think that's pretty sick.

-Thank you.

How does this even count as hiding?

You spend 90% of your life here. It's like him trying to hide in the bookies.

Don't worry.

I didn't give her your address.

It wasn't a very verbal relationship, if you know what I mean.

MUSIC BLARES

-What's going on?

-Mikey won't open the door. Said he's psyching himself up.

-Mum!

-What are you doing?

-I'm getting myself into the zone.

-The deaf zone?

-It's what they do in the Premiership.

Maybe it is, but you're in Year Five Football Club.

Exactly! You only get one shot at this.

-Fine. Steve, get your towel. We're taking you swimming.

-Why?

What's the matter with Josh's mum?

Oh, something as usual. She's a compulsive liar.

You know, you really should learn to stand up to her.

-Hurry up, Steve!

-All right.

See you later, Luce. Bye. Bye.

You taking Lucy to the concert with you?

-No.

-But she's your best friend.

-Exactly.

She already likes me, so what have I got to gain by inviting her?

Be like a waste of a ticket. Might as well invite you.

Wow. As bad as that?

I know. These things could be the key to my popularity forever.

I can't blow it on a friend.

You can be very mercenary sometimes.

-Thank you.

-Perhaps you could do me a favour.

I'll tell you something else I don't get.

I always felt Mikey was bad at football.

He is really bad. He let 12 goals in in his first match.

-Then why's he acting like player of the year?

-He's improved.

Turns out he just needed a bit of practice.

Oh, he had practice, Dad. I saw the practice.

-Are you ready, Mikey?

-Yeah.

-Here it comes.

Mikey! Mikey! You OK?

-I'm rubbish.

-No, you got something on it.

-My face.

-Don't worry yourself about that.

Let me tell you a story.

Oh, not Bert Trautmann.

Bert Trautmann played in goal for Manchester City in the 1956 FA Cup Final with a broken neck.

-You think I've got a broken neck?

-Don't be daft.

Hey, Mikey, this football lark's getting you down, isn't it?

I hate it, Uncle Tommy.

Do you know what I do when something gets me down? Just pack it in.

Grandad says quitters never win and winners never quit.

Yeah, well, it's not quitting, is it? It's nonconformity.

You see, if Bob Marley had carried on playing football, nobody would've heard of him.

Who's Bob Marley?

-I need to spend a lot more time at your house.

-Mikey!

Two out of two! Yeah!

Ow.

You basically destroyed the lad's confidence and self-esteem.

Self-esteem's overrated, Tommy.

Most of the work in this country is done by people who hate themselves.

-I don't hate myself.

-You don't work.

If he's that bad, why's he doing all these victory dances?

That's a very good question, Liam.

Perhaps Dad would like to answer that one for us.

Caroline said if he hated football that much, he could give up.

Give up! Then where would he be?

-Free to follow his dream of becoming a dancer?

-Exactly.

I had to stop that at all costs.

Billy Elliot was basically a horror film to you, Dad, wasn't it?

So last week I did what everyone wanted.

-I helped the boy's self-esteem.

-How?

By becoming part of the team.

-Thanks for helping out, Mr Flynn.

-Oh, any time.

Now listen, do some stretching, OK?

Don't get tight. Stay warm, all right? OK?

Keep that up. OK?

Oh, my... You were the referee?!

What did you do?

Nothing. Well, not much.

Most of the game Mikey was on the subs' bench anyway so his team were actually winning.

With five minutes left to play...

BLOWS WHISTLE

CHEERING

7-0 to the orange team!

-Right, Mikey, you're on.

-Go, Mikey!

Oh dear.

7-6.

Come on, Mikey! There's only a minute left.

Don't let any more in and you've won!

I don't think I can watch this.

WHISTLE BLOWS REPEATEDLY

-Yes!

-That's it.

Full time.

Good game, everyone. Well done.

Good effort, son, very good effort.

You fixed the game?

-I just knocked a few seconds off, that's all.

-You fixed the game!

Welcome to the dark side, my friend.

What are you talking about, dark side?

I'm allowed to add time on so why can't I knock time off?

You just can't.

If it wasn't for time added on, United'd lose all their trophies.

Well, there you go.

I'm redressing a balance.

-What, between Man United and Everton Park Primary School?

-Yeah.

Your moral compass has no needle.

It's not cheating if it's spontaneous.

Spoken like a true City fan.

Dad, do you make it 11 o'clock?

-Er, yeah.

-Exactly 11 o'clock?

-Yeah, why?

-Mum wants me to ring her.

Come on, Grandad. Let's go and kick some ass.

Dad? Have a word with him, will you?

Yeah. It's not ass. It's arse.

You're not in America.

No, Dad.

Just sort him out, will you?

I will. Don't you worry about it.

Oh, hi, Mum. Yeah, it's me.

No, nothing's the matter.

You said to ring you.

Hello? Mum?

What are you on about? Hello?

-I think Mum's lost it.

-Oh, that's nice.

Come on, then. How long are you planning on staying here for?

As long as it takes to shake off Psycho Sarah.

But if you never answer your phone how will you know you've shaken her off?

That's a very good point, Liam.

I could be here for the long haul.

Hello? Hello. This is a message for Psycho...

Er, for Sarah.

Yeah, I'm Liam. I'm Tommy's brother, um, and basically I know where he is.

FOOTBALL BLARES FROM TV

Isn't it nice to have the house to yourself?

-I literally have no idea.

-Right, Uncle Tommy.

-You got me into this mess. You have to get me out.

-You what?

These are the names of everyone I could invite. Blue are my actual friends.

Red are popular people who know me, and green are popular people who don't like me.

-OK.

-So if I invite more then one green,

they'll just talk to each other and I'll end up with a blue or a red.

And the red will go over to the greens. That won't work.

But if I invite another blue for insurance,

the green won't come, so I might as well not risk it and just invite blues, reds and no greens.

But that feels like a waste, don't you think?

Why don't you just invite...

I'm asking Uncle Tommy.

Who's green?

Popular people who don't like me.

Right. Well, why don't you...

-Who's blue again, sorry?

-Oh, you're useless!

-If only you put that much effort into your homework.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Don't answer it.

-We don't know who it is.

It's her. I recognise the ring.

-She thinks you're in Bologna.

-She's tracked me down!

It's fine. If we stay here and don't move, she'll give up in an hour or so.

I'm answering the door.

Who is it?

-It's a blonde girl.

-Yeah, that's her. She's a fruit-loop.

-She's got an axe.

-Really? Well, don't let her in.

-Hello?

-Hi. You must be Tommy's brother.

-Sarah?

-Yeah.

-You'd better come in.

-Oh, no, you're all right, I'm not stopping, no.

There's no reason for Tommy to come out of hiding.

Just you tell him he left his wallet at mine.

-That's all you wanted him for?

-Yeah. I'll see you around.

Wait. Whoa, hold on. You're not a fruit-loop at all, are you?

What a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

-Why don't you come in for a cup of tea?

-I'm all right, thanks.

-Come on, it'll be funny.

Tommy! You're here!

Yeah, hi.

I had to come back to read...

..Take A Break. Hi.

Hello, Muppet. I brought your wallet.

Um, sorry about the whole Bologna thing. The meeting was cancelled.

Oh, right. What meeting? The International Summit Of Lying Bastards?

Yeah, that's the one.

-I don't know why I bother.

-Well, your assistance is very much appreciated.

You two have a lot of catching up to do, so...

No, thanks. I'll see you later, Tommy.

-Yeah, I'll see you.

-No, wait. Whoa!.

Do you mind waiting while I have a quick chat with my brother?

I've kind of got plans for the afternoon.

Five minutes. Isn't what you and Tommy had worth that?

All right, three minutes.

-Be a big favour to me. Please.

-Oh, all right, then.

What did I tell you? Fruitcake or what?

No, Tommy, what's the matter with you? She's really nice.

Didn't take anything, then?

Well, doesn't seem like it,

although we won't know till I check my Advantage Card.

-There's nothing wrong with her, is there?

-You don't know what lies beneath.

Like when she makes a cup of tea,

she empties the kettle then fills it up with fresh water.

She says it makes the tea taste better. How mad is that?

YOU'RE mad.

She's good-looking, she's charming.

If you just list her qualities she's bound to sound nice.

When have you ever gone out with a girl who's safe around money?

-Tracey Jones.

-She pawned your telly to buy a snake.

She needed it for her act!

I know what this is about.

You don't like Sarah because she's normal.

-What?

-Yeah.

Your idea of a scary psycho is a normal girl with no snake who likes you.

-It's freaking you out. You're worried there's nothing to stop you marrying her.

-That's preposterous.

It's nice to see you with someone, you know, normal. You deserve it.

-Do you think?

-No, actually. No.

Take her back. She's nice.

How about this?

That's two greens. It won't work.

Yes, but if you invite a green or a red,

-that automatically makes them a blue.

-Oh, I suppose.

Hey, Uncle Tommy was wrong about you.

-You're not a psycho at all.

-Thank you.

What a delightful family you are.

-What's the matter with you?

-We lost.

Big wow. You nearly always lose.

But it wasn't even our fault this time. Grandad totally robbed us.

-I hate him.

-I called it how I saw it.

-What did you do, Grandad?

-Nothing.

Everyone hates the ref. Comes with the territory.

You should have heard the names they called him.

Well, it just shows their lack of vocabulary.

Who's the pillock in the black?

That's pretty rich coming from a nun. Who's this?

Oh, Sarah. I'm a friend of Tommy's.

Oh, the bunny boiler.

That's right, yeah. Pleased to meet you.

At least admit she's not a psycho.

She tracked me down and found me. That tells you all you need to know.

She didn't track you down, Tommy.

What? How else would she know where was?

I invited her round.

-You did what?

-I wanted you off me couch.

Then I met her and realised you two could have something long term.

-That would also get you off me couch.

-I don't believe this.

Sold out by my own brother.

I'm shocked. I should walk out that door and never come back.

Go on, then.

Can't. I've got a teacake in the toaster.

-Hiya!

-You all right, love? How was swimming?

I have absolutely no idea.

I palmed it back off onto Josh's mum.

-Well done. How did you manage that?

-I got an emergency phone call from Chloe.

Thanks so much for this, Caroline. I wouldn't ask, but it's killing me.

-Yeah, you do look rough.

-I feel it.

Really, really rough.

Absolutely dog rough.

PHONE RINGS Oh, hang on.

-Hello?

-Hi, Mum. It's me.

-Oh, hi, Chlo. What's the matter?

-Nothing. You said to ring you.

Oh, my God. Why? What's happened?

Liam's dad's been rushed into hospital.

Hello? Mum? Mum, are you there?

His liver's finally given up.

Oh, Chlo, darling, don't cry.

Your grandad's going to be fine.

What are you on about?

Apparently he's asking for me.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

Obviously I'm meant to be driving the boys to swimming, so...

-I'll take the boys swimming.

-Oh, but you've got that stomach bug.

A family emergency beats a stomach bug.

Yeah, it kind of does, doesn't it?

Steve, come on. Josh's mum's taking you.

-Are you going to tell him about his grandad?

-Hm?

Oh, it's probably best not to mention it.

You'll only worry him.

I'll see you later.

-I can't believe you did that.

-Liver failure, eh? Good job.

-I'd buy that.

-You were the one who told me to stand up for myself.

Not by killing me dad.

He's not dead, Liam. He's just in intensive care.

-Oh, that's all right, then.

-Besides, I might need to kill him off next week.

-Oi, hang on, hang on. If you didn't go swimming, you could have gone and got your hair done after all.

-Yes.

And I did.

-It looks stunning.

-Thank you.

Speaking of stunning, who's the girl on my couch?

Some girl that Liam rung up, invited her round.

Oh, well, just so long as I know.

It's a girl Tommy's been seeing.

-Really? She looks fairly normal.

-Yeah, I know.

I've been weaving my magic trying to get them back together.

Right, Uncle Tommy. I've got it all sorted, OK? Are you ready?

OK, I'm inviting Emma and Lauren.

Emma hates Lauren so she won't go, but I'll get points for asking.

Layla will go but she'll bring her boyfriend Paul,

which is OK cos he doesn't go anywhere without Jason and Kyle.

They've both got girlfriends, but once I'm in with them, I'm set.

So it's them, Layla's sister, her friends, and all I need is five more tickets.

I ain't got five more tickets.

I can work with three.

-No, I can't get any more.

-Two?

-No.

None. Nothing. Zero.

Oh, you're no help at all.

Hi. I don't think we've met.

I'm Caroline, Liam's wife.

Oh, Sarah. Psychopathic stalker who's obsessed with Tommy.

Right. It's nice to meet you.

Mikey? How about fetching your old grandad a nice cup of tea?

Get stuffed, Grandad.

You can't stay in a mood with me for the rest of your life.

No, but I can for the rest of yours.

What's that about? What have you done?

-I did what everyone wanted. Mikey's not gloating any more, is he?

-No, he's miserable

-by the look of it.

-That's because I fixed things.

-How do you mean, fixed?

-I thought he'd go out there today, do his little victory dance,

get the crap beaten out of him and everything would be fine.

But it didn't work out that way, did it?

In your face!

He was good?

He was all right.

But apparently last week's victory gave him a little confidence boost.

-It was 0-0 with two minutes to play.

-0-0?!

Oh, come on, Mikey! My little boy.

By God, it was annoying. The more he did that stupid dance, the worse it got.

I couldn't let them win again!

-What did you do that for?

-Sorry, love. My foot slipped.

You cheated so Mikey would lose?

To make up for the cheating I did last week so he'd win.

I've got to be fair, haven't I?

I'm a referee.

Oh, I know what this is all about. This is you trying to take control of my life.

-I just want you to be happy. What's wrong?

-You want me married off.

-You are jealous of my carefree lifestyle.

-Carefree?

Mm. I'm a lone wolf.

More like a rescue dog.

-You've hid behind the couch all day.

-I think you know what I'm talking about.

You're frightened of being in a relationship.

-Why wouldn't I be after you?

-What's that mean?

-You know, all this.

-Getting married and having three beautiful kids?

That was fantastic. I don't regret any of it.

MIKEY: God, I hate this family. DOOR SLAMS

We're having an off day.

Look, I will give her another whirl, but only because she brought that wallet back.

-You're a romantic fool, Tommy.

-Thanks for having me round.

It's been an education. But I really did just come to give you back the wallet, so...

No, no. It's OK, don't go yet.

I've had a chat with my idiot brother, talked him round.

He's going to give you another go. Isn't that right, Tommy?

Sorry? So you're telling me that you've managed to persuade Tommy,

who lied to me and then hid from me,

-that he should give ME another chance?

-Yeah.

Does that make a lot of sense to you?

No, not when I think about it, no.

So what do you think happens now?

I think you probably leave and we never see you again.

I think probably. Yeah.

-Take care.

-Bye.

It's been a blast!

Hey, cheer up. Plenty more fish.

How could you do this to me, Uncle Tommy?

-Do what to you?

-Only give me four tickets. I mean, think. The maths doesn't even work.

I get three new friends, but what happens when everyone else at school finds out?

I'll be ruined.

Do you know what I did to get those tickets?

Major favours were called in.

A Royal Mail employee risked his life.

Two strippers had to make a late-night trip to Liverpool.

Do not ask me why.

It's always about you, Uncle Tommy. What about me?

-Mikey!

-Yeah?

-Want to help me tout these?

-Yeah.

Right. Go and get a jacket and some shoes you can run in.

-I don't believe you, Jim, I really don't.

-What's he done?

-I did what you told me to do.

-You told him to trip up a little girl?

Basically, yeah, he did.

No, I didn't. Same as I didn't tell you to say Dad was critically ill.

-You what?

-Nothing.

-Will people please just stop taking my advice?

-Well, fine. Don't expect me to help you out in the future.

-I won't.

Hi, I'm back. Josh's mum's here.

Hi, Caroline.

Hi, Rachel. I suppose they must be for...

Liam's Dad. How is he?

He's...

-You not met Liam's dad?

-No.

-Right.

Well, he's, er, he's not bad under the circumstances.

They're keeping him in, but he's quite a bit better.

Who are you on about?

Liam's dad, who's ill in hospital.

-Eh?

-Yeah, you know him.

He's a really good-looking fella,

kind, understanding eyes.

Liam's dad?

Oh, right, yeah.

Lovely bloke, Liam's dad.

Oh, he's the best. He's a saint.

We all love him.

Aye, aye. That's Liam's dad for you.

-One of the giants.

-And you are?

Me? Oh, I'm just a local referee.

Yes, a very dear friend.

A kind, gentle man.

Right, well, I'll get out of your way.

Have you done something to your hair?

No.

Sweet taste of revenge.

-What was all that about?

-Oh, nothing. Anyway,

what are you going to do to make it up to Mikey?

-He's still pretty mad at you.

-Well, I'll still spend time with him.

I'll just ask him what he wants to do next.

With a one, two, three, four.

-JAUNTY MUSIC STARTS

-One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two. Turn!

One, two, three, four.

One. Other way!

Two, three, four. One...

# I know it's gonna be all right

# For ever I'll be by your side

# For everyone you love

# For everyone you feel

# I'll never give it up

# Until the dream is real. #

E-mail [email protected]