Steve Insert Name Here

This programme contains some strong language

Hello, you, and welcome to Insert Name Here, the show where we

discover surprising facts about people with just one thing

in common - they've got the same name.

Joining me are six of my favourite people and I'm delighted

to say they all have names, which I'm about to list.

Please welcome Kate Williams,

Chris Addison and team captain Josh Widdicombe,

and on the other side Lucy Porter, Al Porter - no relation -

and their captain, Richard Osman.

And so to the all-important question, which name is going to be featuring tonight?

Well, they could be a Wonder, a Strange, a King or McQueen.

Tonight's name is Steve.

So we're going to be talking about people called Steve, Stevie, Steven

with a "v", Stephen with a "ph" and even Stephanie along the way.

Our teams will collect as many Steves as they can and at the end of

the show, the winning team gets the honour of deciding

the greatest Steve of all time,

who will then be inducted into our Insert Name Here Hall of Fame.

Now, Richard, any early thoughts as to the greatest Steve?

Best Steve? It is quite a busy field.

Sometimes we do the show and if it's Ben or something,

there's nobody.

Richard, that's another one, isn't it?

You have gone very angry, very early.

Where will you go to now you've started there?

It's nice sometimes for the public to see the real you, I think.

I'm thinking if I was at an airport and I had

a long flight and I had a choice of three books...

One was A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking,

one the latest Stephen King,

or one the autobiography of Stephanie Beacham.

What I would do is have A Brief History Of Time there and people would go, "The guy from Pointless

"is reading A Brief History Of Time, I knew he really was clever."

But inside, I'd have Stephanie Beacham...

And I would be going, "You're kidding.

"You shagged Charlie Sheen?!"

But you couldn't say that aloud because then people would think that

you thought Stephen Hawking had shagged Charlie Sheen.

Nothing would surprise me with Stephen Hawking.

That's a guy who's looked into a lot of black holes.

AUDIENCE GROANS

You've gone very rude, very early.

Nice to see the real you on TV.

Let's get on with the show. Time to pick a Steve, any Steve.

Our panellists will choose a category behind which lurks

a famous face which our teams must then attempt to win.

So let's have a look. We have got...

Josh, it is your turn to go first. Who are you going to go for?

Can we have a Ballsy Steve please?

You have picked the world's most interesting snooker player,

Steve Davis.

Is he making that levitate with his mind?

Let's rack up the stats...

Kate, why is snooker so popular?

Is there a reason behind it?

Snooker developed in India in the 19th century, but I think we

always like very strange sport.

My favourite is eel pulling.

Eel pulling?!

This was a great historic trend in 19th century Holland, particularly

Amsterdam, and what it is, it was tug-of-war, but with an eel.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How big is the eel?

It starts about that big, but...

But the authorities stopped this because they thought it

-was dangerous...

-For the eel, yes.

It did, it created the great eel riot of 1886.

You can't make history up!

No, the great eel riot of 1886 was this riot saying

bring back eel pulling, and in fact it resulted in 100 injuries

and many, many arrests.

I did actually go to Holland this weekend and I looked for any eel pulling going on...

Did you go to Holland to look for eel pulling?

Do you know what was in my room in Holland?

A very respectable hotel, full of people going to the Rijksmuseum?

There was a swing in the middle of my room.

-A swing?

-A swing.

Let's move on.

By the window, was there a sort of illuminated red glow?

I'll show you a photo.

We're going to move right on.

This is the best chat I've ever had about snooker.

Steve was a professional snooker player for 38 years.

World number one for seven consecutive seasons

and won 81 major tournaments.

At one stage he was Britain's highest-paid sportsman

while still sharing a bedroom with his younger brother.

He has had at least nine professional nicknames.

Does anybody know any?

Romford Slim, Sue.

Romford Slim is right.

Was it like the Ginger Mushroom?

The Ginger Mushroom?!

I think that was something you had in Amsterdam.

That's just what's written on the police report - ginger, mushroom.

So, yes, the Ginger Mushroom, correct...

The Prowler... No idea why.

That's not good.

We had no ironic nicknames in my school.

Everything was very direct.

-Very literal.

-Yeah. I had a friend who was quite large called Chunk.

And I remember being in class once when a nutritionist came to visit

and while she was giving a talk on healthy eating,

he produced a Mars Bar from his pocket.

He peeled it back like a banana and ate it in one bite and throughout

the course of this he had four Mars Bars, and this will tell you

the directness of my school.

She said, "Chunk, you seem to eat a lot of chocolate".

And he said, "Well, Miss, my granda' actually lived to 105".

And she said, "Oh, he ate a lot of chocolate?" He said,

"No, but he was a good man for minding his own bleedin' business".

Steve's most famous match came in the final

of the 1985 World Championships.

After the first session, Steve had an 8-0 lead only for

Dennis Taylor to pull it back to 9-7.

The next day the game continued until 12.20am on a Sunday night

when Steve only had to pot the black to win the title.

Richard, you were lucky enough to recreate that very moment

with Steve Davis, weren't you?

I was. He recreated it and said, "Why don't you try and pot this ball" that he famously missed.

Let's see how you got on, Richard.

I don't want to see this, how embarrassing.

Let's take a look.

Oh, congratulations.

-So sorry.

-What a shot.

-So sorry.

-What a shot.

And one of those, please.

You can tell he's a proper sportsmen, Steve Davis,

cos on camera he's going, "Well done, well done".

Literally the second the camera stopped rolling, he's...

WHISPERS: Oh, fucking hell.

Now he's retired, what does Steve Davis get up to?

He's a DJ now.

-He is a DJ.

-What sort of stuff does he play?

Snooker Loopy.

He's a techno DJ. He is very into hard-core techno.

Am I having a stroke?

There he is, giving it large.

That woman behind seems to be firing phosphorescent lactate

into a child's mouth.

He is a sort of unlikely sex symbol, Steve Davis,

or at least was in his pomp.

Any other examples of unlikely sex symbols, Kate, in history?

Well, there are quite a lot, but I think my favourite is Lord Nelson.

Nelson was seen as not very sexy because disastrously for any

person in the 18th century, he had ginger hair,

was missing half his hair, some of it was going grey...

If he was missing half his hair and the other half was grey,

he wasn't ginger.

And he was missing an eye,

and missing an arm and even courtesans turned him down,

because he also had a very thick Norfolk accent.

Sort of going, "I used to be ginger but now I'm bald".

Antony Worrall Thompson. Do another one.

But then when he won the Battle of the Nile in 1798, the only victory

thus far against Napoleon,

suddenly he was everyone's sex symbol and by the end of the year,

every house in Britain had a picture of Lord Nelson...

I hear he's got a massive column...

Now it's time to play for the Steve.

In 1982, Steve produced the world's very first televised

maximum break of 147.

What did he win?

Did he win a Lada?

He did win a Lada.

A Lada Classic.

The tournament was sponsored by Lada and Steve was given

a free car worth £2,500.

He had a Porsche 928 at the time and the insurance cost more

than the Lada.

So he gave the Lada to his parents who came up with

a brand-new nickname for him,

the Romford Tightwad.

Sterling stuff. Richard's team, you get the Steve.

Richard, it's your turn to pick a Steve...

Beardy Steve, I think.

You have picked the world's greatest film director, Steven Spielberg.

Let's get the stats and figures...

Steven has directed some of the world's most popular blockbusters

and produced a good few more as well.

With the exception of Harrison Ford and Tom Hanks,

who has made the most appearances in a Steven Spielberg film?

Aren't his dogs often in his films?

Absolutely, his dogs. Absolutely. Well done.

Steve's breakthrough came with the 1975 horror film, Jaws.

What was the biggest problem on set?

There was a shark on the loose!

A health and safety nightmare.

It was a nightmare. He was trying to do a documentary

about a guy on a boat and suddenly...

Seasickness.

A very unruly cast member, shall we say.

-The shark.

-The shark kept breaking.

Any similar showbiz disasters, Kate, in history?

At the Globe, they were putting on Henry VIII and the king was

supposed to come in to firing of cannons, but unfortunately one of

the cannons misfired, hit a beam and set the entire theatre on fire...

Hit a bee?!

Beam!

What a shot that would have been.

Flying past, hit the bee, the friction causes a spark,

the whole thing is on fire.

Someone on stage going, "To bee or not to bee".

GROANING

What?!

So he hit a beam and the whole theatre just blew up?

The whole theatre burnt down in an hour.

I saw Jim Davidson's panto and I wish that had happened.

Why was Steven labelled an inhumane prick because of Jurassic Park?

Any suggestions?

Is it the goat scene?

-No.

-It's rubbish, Jurassic Park.

Every film he has made is rubbish.

Apart from Duel and Jaws.

Do you know the most unrealistic bit of Jurassic Park?

Is it when they bring the dinosaurs back to life?

No, it's not.

Worse than that, you know when they're in the car and the

dinosaur is coming and there's a cup of water shaking?

Who has a cup of water in a car?

No. People thought he'd killed a dinosaur.

What?

During the making of Jurassic Park,

Steven posed with a mechanical triceratops.

21 years later, a guy called Jay Branscomb posted the photo

on Facebook with a jokey caption reading...

-That is brilliant.

-So not everyone got the joke,

despite the fact that triceratops has been extinct

for 66 million years.

Penelope Rayzor Buchand labelled Steven an inhumane prick, saying ...

Attempting to restore some semblance of sanity, James Boggis wrote

"That's Steven Spielberg, director of Jurassic Park,"

to which Vincent Smith replied...

Well done, the internet.

That's brilliant.

What did Spielberg do to annoy Michael Jackson?

Did Steven Spielberg used to be black?

That's not what's on the card.

Michael Jackson thought he'd stolen his logo.

In 1994, Spielberg set up a movie studio called DreamWorks.

Here is the DreamWorks logo.

And here is the logo on Michael Jackson's ranch.

That child looks very depressed.

"Well, that's weird,"

the singer told his monkey.

Jackson resented DreamWorks' success and had a dartboard

installed in his bedroom with Steven Spielberg's face stuck to it.

It's time now to play for the Steve.

In 1984, Steven was working as executive producer on

a time travelling comedy that we all know and love, Back To The Future.

What surprising change did a studio executive demand?

I know what it was.

I actually know an answer.

I'd LOVE it if this is wrong.

I think they filmed for the first few days

with a different person playing Marty McFly and then they got rid

of him and replaced him with Michael J Fox.

That is honestly... That's unbelievable.

Not the right answer.

-But it is true!

-It's true, but it's not... It has to do with the title.

What was the title change suggestion?

Boy Nearly Gets Off With His Mum.

I've actually seen that film, it's very bleak.

The actual title that they wanted to rename it to was...

No!

Yes. It was a memo that came from studio executive Sid Sheinberg.

Spielberg sent back a message saying, "Dear Sid, thanks for your

"humorous memo, we all got a big laugh out of it. Keep 'em coming."

Crushing the idea.

Sadly no-one wins the Steve, though.

Josh, your turn to pick a Steve.

I'm going to go with Brainy Steve.

You have Steve with the "ph" and a PhD -

it's top scientist Stephen Hawking.

He's a numbers man, let's take a look at his stats...

Before we begin, does anybody disagree with Mr Hawking's

fundamental observations about the nature of black holes?

Yeah, I think I do a bit.

-I think I do a bit.

-You think they don't emit radiation?

I think they emit some radiation, but not as much as he makes out.

You're saying that on national television, you're refuting Stephen Hawking, saying that actually...

Listen, I'm not refuting the kid, he's a good physicist.

What I'm saying is, Steve,

there is a little bit more to it than I think you're making out.

In 2010, Stephen explained what you need to build a time machine.

Has anybody got any clues as to what you might need?

I built a time machine when I was a little girl.

No, you didn't.

Of course you did, love.

Go back to simpler times.

Have you come here from the future to warn us about yourself?

We had this great big box that the washing machine came in,

so what I did was, I was about seven and my brother was about five,

I covered it in bits of clingfilm and cellophane and I put him

in it and I used to put it on the top step of the stairs and rock it.

And that was how you killed your brother.

I had this great time. I used to say, "Jeff..."

-Jeff?

-Yes.

-You brother's called Jeff?

You can't call a baby Jeff, can you?

-You've made a time machine...

-And put Jeff in it, and what I used to do was rock it on the top step...

You left him there for two years and he was two years older?

I used to say...

I'm going to leave you here until your name is fashionable again!

And he's still there.

I used to say, "Jeff, we're going to the Tudor period, there's Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn..."

Poor, poor parents.

He would say, "Let me out to see, I want to see."

I'm going to phone my sister and thank her for just punching me.

So Stephen reckons his voice and wheelchair make him

perfectly qualified to do what?

Fight crime.

You say fight crime? The reverse...

Be a baddie.

Be a baddie. What kind of baddie?

-Bond.

-A Bond baddie.

Absolutely.

Speaking to Wired magazine in 2014, Stephen said...

I auditioned for Bond.

Cos I'd love to be an actor and I actually...

But they thought I was too camp.

Get away!

They said it was less 007 and more, "Ooh, seven."

OK. Well, this is the biggie because it's time to play for the Steve.

Stephen's a member of many distinguished clubs and societies

including the Royal Society and the US National Academy of Science.

But why did he distance himself from a club called Freedom Acres?

Is it a sex club?

Thanks for that, Josh.

Can I also remind you we are in 2016,

so technically it's a sex club...

Josh, you are absolutely right. It was a sex club, so I will...

So that bit is going to go out on TV?

Sue, was it a Josh Widdicombe sex club?

Welcome to Josh Widdicombe's Freedom Acres.

Absolutely, it was a swingers' club.

Somebody told me, and I was thinking this earlier as I was looking

at the set and feeling a bit worried and threatened, that blue lights -

not unlike these blue lights - in a window is the sign of swingers.

-Welcome.

-That's how you...

Christopher, enjoy yourself.

Time now to fire up our Steve-flavoured fruit machine.

Each spin is going to reveal three faces,

our team must then match the extraordinary fact to the extraordinary Steve.

Also a chance to unearth more candidates

for the greatest Steve of all time.

So, let's spin.

First up we have king of the musicals, Stephen Sondheim.

Then we have Steven "Morrissey" Morrissey, AKA Morrissey.

And, what happened to him, Steve Brookstein.

Richard, this one is for you for starters.

Which Steve was in talks to write the British entry for Eurovision?

I wonder...

It feels like the least likely answer would be Morrissey,

so I bet it probably was.

I used to be so in love with Morrissey, in the 1980s

I wanted to marry Morrissey.

My friends used to say, "I think he might be gay", and I was like,

"I don't care, I would rather marry someone like Morrissey even if

"he is gay than some macho meathead like George Michael."

Stephen Sondheim is a great genius. You're a fan of Sondheim?

Yeah, love him, I love musicals.

I can't walk past a garden sensor light without turning to the light

and going, "Papa, can you hear me?"

I don't think he would have been asked.

I think Morrissey, it's the sort of thing that maybe in the '90s...

You've opted for Morrissey. Josh's team, what do you reckon?

They're not going to turn to Steve Brookstein in an attempt to get success.

What would you do if they said to you,

"Josh, would you be the Eurovision..."

I would love that.

I wouldn't do it, of course, cos I can't sing and I wouldn't want to let down my country.

That's already happened, mate.

It was around about that moment, wasn't it?

It can't be Brookstein, can it?

-No, it can't possibly be.

-So let's go Sondheim.

Sondheim it is. Let's see the right answer.

Yeah, the BBC entered talks with Morrissey about writing and

performing the possible 2007 entry before opting for Scooch

with Flying The Flag.

Who hasn't watched Eurovision and thought,

"Heaven knows I'm miserable now?"

Richard's team, you win the Steve. Well done.

Next up we have straight-to-DVD actor Steven Seagal.

Teutonic tennis ball-basher Steffi Graf.

And friend to the animals Steve Backshall.

The question is, Josh,

which Steve launched their own line of energy drinks?

I don't know Steve Backshall.

Steve Backshall is the presenter of Deadly 60.

What's Deadly 60?

It's the 60 deadliest animals in the world. It's brilliant, he's brilliant.

Is the owl in the 60 deadliest animals in the world, or...

That's his sidekick.

Can I just say, owls are really deadly.

I went to a country fair in Staffordshire,

a very benign environment where there was an owl enclosure

and you could have an owl on you, on your hand and I was just sort of...

"Can I pet it?" "Yeah, you can pet that".

And the guy literally said, "That sort of owl,

"that's a Scandinavian wood owl,

"actually pecked the throat of its Danish keeper out".

Whoa!

Peter Schmeichel?!

You're going to go for...

The only thing I know about Steffi Graf is that she married

Andre Agassi.

He famously took other sorts of drugs, didn't he?

I don't know if he did. He just took painkilling injections.

And crystal meth.

So we're going to go with Steffi Graf with a range of

crystal meth-themed drinks.

-We're going to go Steve Backshall.

-OK, Richard's team.

Steven Seagal probably brings out all kinds of products because

-he's nuts.

-That's what I think. Steven Seagal.

You're going to opt for Steven Seagal. Let's look at the right answer.

It is Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal released his own range of energy drinks called Lightning Bolt.

Here he is starring in an advert.

Notice the wonderful production values,

reminiscent of his own film career.

Hey, there, we want to tell you

about Steven Seagal's new energy drink.

It's called Lightning Bolt.

It's 100% natural and it tastes just great.

In fact it's so good, he likes swimming in it.

How's it going, baby?

Boss, I've got another 2,000 cans to go to fill this pool.

I feel so sorry for you, but you know what,

I really wanted to swim in Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt with you.

But you know I love doing it, because I love you.

I love you too, baby.

Acted off the set not just by a model, but by a can of drink.

Nothing says love more than, "I'm going to get thrush for you

"by pouring a sugary drink into my noo-noo".

Is that what happens if you pour a sugary drink into your noo-noo?

Might do.

Congratulations, Richard's team, you win the Steve.

Next up, Hollywood icon Steve McQueen. Rrrrrrrr.

Musical genius Stevie Wonder. Rrrrrrrr.

TV hard man Steve McFadden.

Rr...

Which Steve used to urinate into his neighbour's flowerbed?

Richard, what do you think?

I used to live next door to Steve McFadden...

-Did you?

-No.

Great roses.

They were amazing, really beautiful. What do you...

It's quite hard to tell.

Do you remember Stevie Wonder's song,

I Just Called To Say I'm Pissing In Your Flowerbed?

He might have wanted to correct him.

If they're polite neighbours

and he'd just been pissing there for years.

Like, before they moved in.

And as they were being handed the keys, the estate agent was like,

"By the way, Stevie Wonder thinks he has an outdoor toilet here.

"But nobody has ever really wanted to let him know.

"Just let him piss in your garden.

"It's Stevie Wonder, for God's sake."

And also, you can invite your friends round to watch - he won't just keep quiet.

-I think Steve McQueen.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, McFadden is too obvious.

It's just fun to say Steve McQueen.

You think Steve McQueen urinated in his neighbour's flowerbeds.

-Yes, I do.

-Good for you.

Josh's team?

If we go Stevie Wonder, and we're wrong,

we're going to look like idiots.

If we go Steve McFadden and we're wrong, then at least we've

gone wrong being logical.

Steve McFadden is sitting at home going, "What the fuck?"

Steve McFadden isn't at home, he's two gardens away, having a piss.

He's literally just got back in, zipping himself up and his wife is going,

"You're not going to believe..."

So what is your answer?

McFadden. Bang to rights.

You're saying McFadden.

The right answer is...

McQueen.

Steve McQueen had the apartment above James Garner's, and every

night he would stand on his balcony and urinate into Garner's flowerbed.

If he needed a number two, he'd just back on to the opposite side

and dump straight into Dick Van Dyke's rockery.

It was because he was annoyed that he'd done

a motor racing movie before he had.

He said, "You've pissed over my film, now I piss on you".

And, Richard, you've won that Steve.

Let's play Finish The Fact.

I'll start out by reading a Steve-based gem,

you buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

First up, Las Vegas billionaire Steve Wynn...

Is it his flowerbed when Steve McQueen walked up?

He has a lot of paintings, hasn't he?

-He has.

-A famously big collection of Picassos.

Which is right. The answer is...

I presume that's a painting and not a Citroen Picasso?

Even with all the extras and ABS as standard...

When he turned and put...

I know the answer to this.

He put his elbow through it.

He put his elbow through it. Absolutely.

He admitted he had a spatial awareness problem.

No shit.

The Picasso painting was so damaged,

the eyes ended up on different sides of her face.

Congratulations, Richard, you win the Steve.

Next, it's Olympic gold medallist rower Steve Redgrave.

How to row on the other side of the water.

You burn your oar if you try and use it as a pizza shovel.

He actually learnt the French for...

A gunshot sounds the same in any language.

Very good.

That's quite a friendly thing to hear in an Irish accent.

He learnt the French, only to find...

He wasn't in France, he was in Germany or somewhere.

Is the right answer.

Only to find...

Congratulations, Richard, you win the Steve.

So, we have come to the end of the show and I can tell you that

tonight's winners with the most amount of Steves is Richard's team.

Now, Richard, who are you going to name as the greatest Steve

of all time?

There's only one person I can go for and we are going to go for

Stephen Hawking.

Of course. Stephen Hawking.

Let's pop Stephen in the Insert Name Here Hall of Fame.

Up he goes.

There he is, meeting his Hall of Famers.

He's joined...

This is the most awkward dinner party of all time.

Alexander Graham Bell is going, "At last, someone I can talk to".

You can tell which two episodes Richard won and which were

the three I won.

That's all we've got time for.

My thanks to all of my guests.

Special thanks to all the Steves here, there,

and everywhere and thanks so much to you at home for watching.

Goodnight.