Paul Insert Name Here

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Insert Name Here,

the show where we discover

surprising facts about people with just one thing in common -

they've all got the same name.

Joining me, six of my favourite people, all of whom have names.

Please welcome Ed Gamble, Suzannah Lipscombe,

and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe.

And on the other side - Katy Brand, Amol Rajan,

and their captain, Richard Osman.

Now, Amol, you're the first Amol we've had on the show,

-this is big news for us.

-There aren't many Amols around.

But also it's a problem because my parents wouldn't have known this

when they named me in India a long time ago, but Amol,

you pronounce my name "a mole", but a mole is obviously what you call

someone inside an organisation who tells you secrets,

-and I used to work at the Foreign Office.

-LAUGHTER

So I'd ring people up and I'd say,

"It's Amol from the Foreign Office..."

-They'd be like...

-HE MOUTHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And so to the all-important question,

which name is going to feature tonight?

Well, you'll find them all the way from Merton to Hollywood,

it's the name of the best McGann and the second naughtiest Ross.

Tonight's name is Paul.

So, tonight, we're going to be talking about all kinds of Paul,

including Paulas, Paulines and maybe even the odd Pablo.

Along the way, our teams will collect as many Pauls as they can

and at the end of the show, the winning team will have the honour of

deciding who's officially the greatest Paul of all-time.

Now, any early thoughts, Josh, about who the greatest Paul might be?

I like the Pauls that you don't know are Pauls.

-Oh, the hidden Pauls?

-The hidden Pauls.

-Paul Hewson, Bono.

-Yes.

Paul Arthurs, Bonehead from Oasis.

He's even a hidden bonehead, though, to be fair.

People are not going, "You're kidding me, Bonehead is really called Paul?!"

Richard, how about you?

Do you have a greatest Paul of all-time?

It's a dilemma, isn't it? Because I was thinking, of course,

like all of us, I was thinking of Paul Dirac,

the British quantum physicist and

one of the forefathers of quantum mechanics.

And he was the drummer in Oasis for a bit.

Then I thought about Pauline Quirke from Birds Of A feather.

-Oh.

-You know what?

Pauline Quirke could probably turn her hand to quantum mechanics,

whereas, I bet Paul Dirac could not act in Birds Of A Feather,

so I'm going to go with Pauline Quirke, I think.

I think there are many who couldn't act in Birds Of A Feather.

Some of them are in Birds Of A Feather.

Let's get on with the show.

Time to pick a Paul, any Paul.

Our panellists are going to choose a category,

and behind each category lurks a famous Paul,

which our teams must then attempt to win.

So, we have got...

Josh, you're up first, so choose a category if you will.

Let's go with Rocky Paul.

You've got Irish pop star Paul Hewson, aka Bono.

Here he is in a rare moment of smugness.

Also, it's not often you see him

-with his sunglasses on, is it?

-Oh, no, no.

-ED GAMBLE:

-They're not sunglasses, he's just been at the dentist

and he's left those little...

Let's unleash some stats.

Number of complaints I'm going to receive, more than tree.

He is the lead singer of U2, producing 15 albums, 60-plus singles

and selling over 170 million records.

For the purposes of full disclosure, do we have any U2 fans in the house?

-Ah, Suzannah. Welcome.

-Well, in my youth, when I was a teenager,

massive U2 fan.

-Were you?

-Yeah. I once went to a concert at Wembley

and it started at 7.30 in the evening

and I went there at 7.30 in the morning,

-so that I could be right at the front.

-No!

-Wow.

Yes, my ex-boyfriend at the time, I was 18,

he also had done this around the other side with his sister.

And there was a moment where Bono went round during the concert and chose,

like this, and then chose a woman

who was going to dance with him on the stage.

And his sister was chosen.

I was... I mean, I was so unbelievably envious.

Like, I was gutted for years.

If I'd just gone out with him a bit longer, I could've been there!

-It could've been me!

-Sorry, did he dump you for his own sister?

-No, no.

Well, listen, let's test your knowledge of all things Bono.

First question, where did he get his nickname from?

Oh, I think I know this.

Isn't the name Bono from a shop in... Are they from Dublin?

-Yes.

-You know they're from Dublin!

He's going, "Oh, I don't know, are they from Dublin?"

You've got a tattoo of them, mate.

Yeah, Bono is the name of a shop, isn't it?

It is. Do you know what the shop was called?

-Bonavox.

-Bonavox.

It was, it's a hearing aid shop.

-There it is.

-Hang on.

-He spelt his name wrong.

-Yeah.

-Bona would have been the correct...!

Don't know why he didn't go with that!

Bono never shies away from getting involved in political issues.

In 2016, he appeared before a Senate subcommittee in Washington.

Who did he suggest should be sent to deal with Islamic State?

He'd just had a row with The Edge and suggested The Edge.

Was it just the other two from U2?

No, no. Performers but not musicians.

-The Chuckle Brothers.

-You're not far off.

-It was comedians.

-It was comedians.

-It was, yeah.

-What?!

-Specifically, he suggested Amy Schumer,

Chris Rock and Sacha Baron Cohen

-should be sent to counter Islamic State.

-What?!

Would you do your duty if you were called, Josh, to the front line?

Of course not.

-Shame on you.

-Yeah, exactly.

I think you should stand up now and say to the British public

you're going to talk to Isis.

I think you should go tomorrow morning.

Do you know what I think we need?

Is the eight high-ranking members of Isis

in a one-off Pointless special.

If two of them drop-out at the last minute,

we have to put The Cheeky Girls on podium four.

But it's still a good show.

Right. In 1992, who did Bono phone halfway through a gig?

Oh, he used to phone the President.

He did phone the President,

-but that's not the answer we're looking for.

-Was it Domino's?

-It was!

-NO!

-It was!

-What?!

-What?!

-APPLAUSE

-That's not true.

-Not Domino's, but it was a pizza company.

-What?!

-"Oh, God, I'm so shocked I knew the right answer!"

You love them, mate!

"I think it was pepperoni, I'm not sure, I think it was pepperoni."

-He did.

-I love U2?!

He'd rung the local pizza company and ordered 10,000 pizzas

-for the audience.

-It seems impractical.

Yes, well, he said, "As many as you can make."

He said, "I'd like 10,000, but as many as you can make."

So, like, four.

Imagine getting to the stadium...

"Who ordered no anchovy?"

What went wrong on the first night of the Innocence + Experience tour

-in Vancouver?

-Oh, I was there.

Was there a power cut?

No, there was an accident.

Oh, did Bono get too close to The Edge and fall off?

I'll give you that,

it was actually The Edge got too close to the edge and fell off.

Let's have a look.

# I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for... #

I cannot believe that Suzannah's ex-boyfriend's sister caught him.

Suzannah, funniest incidents in history, accidents at big events?

I don't know of this is funny, because a few people died, but...

-LAUGHTER

-Hilarious!

Was it a long time ago?

-200 years.

-Fine.

-Don't give a shit about them.

-They would be dead anyway, right?

So...

-Is that the rule?

-Yeah, if time would've got them by now, it's fine.

1814. October, 1814,

where the Dominican Theatre is now in Tottenham Court Road

was a brewery called Horse Shoe Brewery,

and a couple of big vats of beer cracked

and it released something like 500,000 gallons

of beer, like, over 1 million pints.

And it was this tidal wave of beer,

it took down the wall of the brewery

and it was spread into the slums of St Giles

and eight people drowned in beer.

-In beer?!

-Yeah.

-Can I just say - too soon.

What a way to go, though.

And that was how the modern-day festival began.

They thought, "This is brilliant!"

In 2003, Bono spent 1,000 quid on what?

-Oh... Oh, no, I know...

-LAUGHTER

Is this on your second favourite Wikipedia page?

Here we go. Can I just say, was The Joshua Tree named after you?

He flew his hat, didn't he, for a photo shoot or something like that?

You do know an awful lot about him. He did.

The story goes that while preparing to perform

with Luciano Pavarotti in Modena,

Bono discovered that he'd left behind his black trilby.

Apparently a panic-stricken Bono paid a grand

to have it flown out from London to Italy.

Here's a photo from the show.

He's not even wearing it!

Pavarotti, of course, his shirt there,

flown to the show by cargo plane.

Right, it's time to get competitive as we play for...the Paul.

How did Bono surprise Bob Dylan during a concert in Ireland?

Did he pull Bob Dylan's trousers and pants down?

Was it to do with the song choice?

Well, yes.

I'll give you the first bit. He was invited on stage

to sing Blowin In The Wind, and then what happened?

-Oh, he farted.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Did he forget all the words?

-He didn't know the words, yes.

He didn't know the words and just started making them up...

-Oh, no, I've lost.

-Which is ironic, because Bob Dylan's been doing that

for around about 30 years.

Well done, Richard, you win, and your team win the Bono.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

Richard, it's your turn to pick a Paul.

What do you fancy out of the three left?

We've Arty, Holy or Runny Paul.

We'll go for a Holy Paul.

You have chosen Christian saint and missionary Saint Paul of Tarsus.

Let's look at the stats.

Famously, he's the co-writer of the Bible.

He's credited with authoring 13 books of the New Testament,

mainly letters.

Richard, have you got a favourite of his letters?

Yeah, I would say F.

Katy, do you have a favourite of Saint Paul's letters?

Well, people like the Corinthians' one, don't they?

-The one they always read at weddings.

-Now you're talking.

The bit from Corinthians, one of the Corinthians' letters,

cos there are two, "If I be a clang...

-"But have not love..."

-If I be a clanger?!

-Yes.

It's not in the original Aramaic, it's...

PRETENDS TO WHISTLE

So it's hard to translate, there's no direct translation.

Corinthians 1:13.

Yes, that's it, Corinthians 1:13.

I've got a Corinthians 13+1, you can read it on Catch Up.

His first appearance,

Paul's, comes in the Bible during the stoning of Saint Stephen.

What was Paul doing?

Was he the stone polisher?

Wasn't he the coat hanger? I mean, like, he held the coats?

-He did the coats!

-He did the coats?

He did the coats at the stonings.

-He was like the cloakroom.

-What, and then they'd kill someone

and they'd come back and he'd go,

"If you haven't got your ticket, mate..."

Saint Stephen was the first Christian martyr

who was stoned to death for blasphemy,

according to the book of Acts. "The witnesses laid..."

Now, I imagine the stoning didn't look like this.

First rule of a stoning, I think - don't stand in a circle.

Yeah, and don't let the guy getting stoned wear a helmet as well.

Having becoming a Christian in Damascus,

how did Paul escape being killed by locals?

He had a poster and then they didn't know, at night,

he was slowly digging through the wall.

The Saul Shank Redemption!

I think it was through a wall,

but he was let down,

out through a basket or something outside the city walls?

Absolutely right, he was lowered from the city walls via a basket.

You can see a picture there.

Yep, that gold halo a bit of a giveaway, frankly.

Can I just say, in terms of size of city walls...

He was lowered a terrifying three foot.

He really could have just stepped over.

This all took place at Bekonscot Model Village.

Does anybody know what Paul did before the religious work kicked in?

Did he do the Oak Furniture Land adverts?

No veneer on here.

-Did he make tents?

-He made tents.

He did, he was a tent maker.

Have you had any unusual jobs?

I've had some really weird jobs.

My first job out of university was cleaning and clearing the shed of

Claudia Schiffer and Matthew Vaughn.

-What?

-Did they know that you were doing this?

I didn't break in, I was there legally.

-I was meant to be doing it.

-All right, Paul Burrell.

Oh, I'd like to change my favourite Paul.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My first job out of school,

I had to re-upholster Cindy Crawford's summerhouse.

Now you mention it, I had to clear out Kate Moss's coal scuttle.

Let's get down to business as we play for the Paul.

Now, the Chapel of Russia's Resurrection

is a female religious sect who live on a diet

of turnips, carrots, peas and buckwheat.

Who do they believe is the reincarnation of Saint Paul?

-Vladimir Putin.

-That's the right answer!

-APPLAUSE

-See.

They think Vladimir Putin is the resurrected Paul?

-Yeah.

-I do, too.

-Do you?

Well, I'm a huge fan of Putin, just in case.

Well done, Richard's team, you win the Paul. Congratulations.

Right, Josh, your turn. You've got Arty or Runny left.

-RICHARD:

-Got to be Runny.

-JOSH:

-It's got to be runny, hasn't it?

You've gone for Runny Paul.

And you've chosen record-breaking runner Paula Radcliffe.

Time to bring up her stats.

Before we examine the long list of Paula's astonishing sporting

achievements, let's just get one story very quickly out of the way.

How did Paula make headlines during the 2005 London Marathon?

-She shat herself.

-Yes, is the correct answer.

But in Paula's defence, I have read that by the end of a marathon,

it's quite common for your body to react and want to evacuate things,

so often there is a little bit of mess.

-Yes.

-From the waist down.

Ed, you ran the London Marathon this year, didn't you?

I did. Tell you what, when I ran the London Marathon,

there was not mess from the waist down,

but the first time I ever went for a run,

which was about four years ago,

I did a big old Paula Radcliffe.

And it was the first time I'd ever been for a run, so I was thinking,

"Is this going to happen every time?"

So, what did you do?

I mean, this is probably the most shameful moment of my entire life.

I panicked, obviously.

I was next to the Thames.

My first thought was, "I'll get in and wade around until I'm clean."

-Mate!

-I didn't, I didn't.

I did the next best thing,

which was go to a public toilet and leave the pants in the cistern.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It gets worse because as I was leaving, the cleaner was going in

and I looked him in the eye and now all I can think of is,

"I've just ruined a man's life."

He'd never clean inside the cistern.

I think there's a good chance it's still there.

You would if it smelt bad.

I reckon when Ed does 'Who Do You Think You Are?'

it will climax with him going back to be reunited with those pants.

Can I just say,

if the climax of his genealogical line

is him in a public toilet fishing out his own shit-smeared underpants,

that show's taken on a brand-new format.

Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that?

I would watch it! Also slightly worried they might go back

to my dirty bra I left in East Dulwich Station.

But you're absolutely right, she did do a mid-run bowel explosion.

Paula explained, "I had bad stomach cramps..."

If you're pooing out of your bladder...

How did Paula get the last laugh?

Did the person in second slip over?

Just as they were gaining.

That is the first time the marathon has ever been like Mario Kart.

No, it was sort of poo-related.

Did she get a sort of nappy advert or something?

She did! She absolutely did. She got an endorsement from Pampers.

There you go. It could have been worse,

the first offer she had was for Bisto gravy granules.

Paula's poo stop isn't the most embarrassing thing

to happen in a road race.

Now, that record goes to Slovakian runner Jozef Urban.

Enjoy this.

COMMENTARY IN OWN LANGUAGE

-Oh, dear!

-Do you know what, though?

That did knock a second off his time.

As he approached the finishing line, Jozef gave one spectator a high five

and a passing dog a slap around the face.

When she was running, Paula wore a titanium necklace.

How was it supposed to improve her performance?

Did it make her aim better with the water?

I think she's just hosing down her back legs.

Is it magnetic and she had another big magnet at the finishing post?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It pulled her.

-It has properties.

-It has properties.

-Is it to do with electrical currents in the body or

-something?

-It's biorhythms, so I'll give you that.

It stimulated blood flow and helped regulate biorhythms,

and controlled her made-up-atrons as well.

Time now to play for the Paula.

Over the years, Paula has suffered a bizarre variety of injuries and

accidents. But in 2000, what caused Paula to sustain a bad knee?

Was she doing that thing where you put the shoes on the knees

and try and get into a cinema for less money?

Which you don't have to do, do you?

If you did that, they'd go, "You do know this is a PG-13?"

She was kneeling on the floor doing something repetitive.

What would it have been? LAUGHTER

-She was kneeling on the floor...

-Doing something repetitive.

-JOSH:

-..after her wedding.

-RICHARD:

-Don't make it sound boring!

"It's a treat for both of us."

No, she wasn't, she was writing something.

-What was she writing?

-Writing a thank you thing.

Yes, she was, she was kneeling on the floor writing thank you letters

for her wedding presents. And that injury, she was out for 13 weeks

and required minor surgery.

Listen, well done, Richard's team, you get the Paula.

Time now to fire up the Paul-flavoured fruit machine.

Each spin, up will pop three faces.

Our teams must match the extraordinary fact

to the extraordinary Paul,

and also a chance to unearth more candidates

for the greatest Paul of all time.

So, we have...

Hollywood legend Paul Newman,

tabloid legend Paul Ross,

and teeny magician Paul Daniels.

The question is, which Paul admitted he'd slept with over 300 women?

I like the use of the word admitted, rather than boasted.

"You know what? You got me.

"You got me, I did."

Talk about humble brag.

"Guilty, your honour."

I love Paul Daniels, I think he's absolutely...

I just think he's great.

Josh, I've got some very bad news for you.

Is Paul Newman the person who said something like,

"You don't go out for a burger if you've got steak at home?"

Yes, but he was literally talking about food.

Paul Ross is a more exciting answer than Paul Newman.

Unfortunately I think Paul Ross may be signalling

how many women he's slept with in that picture.

So, you're going to say Ross, are you?

-Yeah.

-Paul Daniels, how old was he when he met Debbie McGee?

Could he already have had a period of sowing his oats, so to speak?

Yeah, I suspect so, yeah.

I think maybe they met... And also he worked on that kind of variety

-circuit, didn't he?

-But also, crucially, he knew magic.

If he chopped the woman in half, he'd count that as two.

Paul Ross, who is a very charming gentleman,

I suspect if he had slept with 300 women,

he would not be the type to talk about it.

-I agree.

-Paul Daniels, I suspect, might have done. Say, like,

"In the early days before the lovely Debbie McGee,

"you know, I played the field."

-Paul Daniels?

-OK.

-Paul Daniels.

-Well, let's see what the right answer is.

Paul Daniels.

-Well done.

-Well done, us.

-There you go.

Writing in his autobiography, Under No Illusion,

he tells of the time he got bored on a train journey.

Meanwhile, Paul Newman, as you said,

famously rejected offers of extramarital sex by saying,

"I have steak at home, so why should I go out for a hamburger?"

It was later revealed he'd had an 18-month affair with a woman called

Nancy Bacon.

He had steak at home, but who could resist a bacon roll?

-Is that true?

-It is true.

-Amazing.

-It absolutely is true.

Well done, Richard's team, you win the Paul.

APPLAUSE

Let's bring up three more Pauls.

You have got modfather Paul Weller,

-royal butler Paul Burrell...

-Wahey!

..and drug dealer Pablo Escobar.

Who admitted their guiltiest pleasure was curling up

with a plate of After Eights to watch a romcom?

Richard, you get to go first.

Well, I mean, Pablo Escobar famously has guiltier pleasures than...

Also, is that actually Paul Burrell,

or is it Hugh Bonneville 20 years ago?

During his prime, though,

Paul Weller didn't have the look of a man who gorged on After Eights.

No, even now, isn't he, he's very svelte.

-Whereas Pablo...

-Yeah,

he certainly looks like the most After Eight-y of those.

-Shall we go Pablo Escobar?

-Escobar because he's the fattest.

Pablo Escobar? Pablo Escobar.

"Escobar because he's the fattest!"

I bet you wouldn't have said that 20 years ago.

Yeah, kept quiet then, didn't you?

Just after I left university,

me and Paul Burrell were paid £100 to clear out Diana's shed.

I think that sounds like something Paul Weller would say

as a guilty pleasure,

because he's, like, from the world of rock and roll,

where it's probably a semi-ironic thing, where he's like,

"Oh, my guilty pleasure, I'm just like a normal person sometimes."

Obviously Paul Burrell's the obvious choice, right?

I thought the obvious choice was Paul Weller.

I would say Weller is the obvious choice.

Oh, well, now I'm in a serious pickle, aren't I?!

I say, go with Burrell because if it's right, then you look like

a gracious team captain because it was Suzannah's suggestion,

and if it's wrong, we can really rub her face in it.

We're going to go with Paul Burrell.

You're going to go with Paul Burrell. Very gentlemanly of you.

Let's see who it was.

-Paul Weller!

-Oh, Suzannah!

-Goddamit, Suzannah!

-For God's sake!

-How did that happen?!

-Well, how about you just do

what you're here for and give us a bit of history?

For once I had the right answer!

You blew it, Joshy!

This was in 2014, an interview in the Guardian, when he said...

I think that's too much information, Paul.

Right, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.

I'll start by reading out a Paul-based gem

and you buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

So, we have Wings frontman Paul McCartney, there he is.

BELL

Like, how weird, like, hands are, yeah?

BELL

Did he figure out the exact combination of switches

that turns all the lights off?

It was along metaphysical lines.

-BUZZER

-The WiFi code.

He figured out the meaning of life and wrote it down...

-BELL

-"Don't marry Heather."

-BUZZER

-"This is the meaning of life,

"make sure you write it down on a piece of paper."

BELL

"Apologies to the maid,

"this is Dairy Milk on the sheets, I promise."

The answer was, "There are seven levels."

That's the meaning of Zelda.

This happened basically while The Beatles smoked a lot of cannabis

in Bob Dylan's hotel room. McCartney said...

Ringo, it turns out, had also written a message

on a piece of paper. It said, "I like drums."

All right, well, no-one is going to win the Paul there,

but we're going to move to the next one,

which is Geordie football legend Paul Gascoigne.

-BELL

-Is it a crime scene with a fishing rod?

-BUZZER

-Is it Brent Cross Ikea?

It's sort of about that distance.

BELL

Knowing him, it's he went to bed early

so he was fresh for the next game.

-BUZZER

-Pub?

-Yes. He went to the pub with...

-BELL

-Even though he was still in full kit, including boots.

Is the right answer.

APPLAUSE

The right answer.

-That's a great story.

-That was a genuine guess.

He was in the pub before the crowd had stopped booing the team off,

that was how quickly he got himself in there. Listen, well done.

You win the Paul, Josh, well done.

So, we've come to the end of the show, and I can tell you that

tonight's winners, with the most Pauls...

-..Richard's team! Well done.

-Yes!

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

So, Richard, who are you going to pick as the best Paul of all time?

I think, listen, in this country, we're not, like,

the best in the world at many things

and this is someone who is the best in the world at something

that everybody has had a go at over the years.

It has to be Paula Radcliffe.

That is an excellent, excellent choice, Richard.

Let's pop Paula Radcliffe onto the Insert Name Here Hall of Fame.

APPLAUSE

My thanks to all of our guests,

special thanks to all the Paulas and Pauls here, there and everywhere,

but, most of all, thanks to you at home for watching us, and goodnight.