Christmas Insert Name Here

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello there, and welcome to this special Christmas edition of

Insert Name Here. Joining me tonight, six very special guests.

Please welcome Jack Dee, Suzannah Lipscomb and their team captain,

Josh Widdicombe, and, on the other side, Martin Kemp, Liz Bonnin,

and their captain, Richard Osman.

Merry Christmas.

Now, Martin, are you happy with your name?

Well, I am now.

Because all the rest of the kids in my school used to gang together,

walk around calling me "Farting Martin".

I mean - I didn't like to mention anything, but...

I love the idea that when Spandau Ballet were at their prime,

you were thinking, "This shows them for calling me Farting Martin."

As it's Christmas, we are going to do something a little bit different,

tonight. And the emphasis really is on the "little".

Let's just relieve ourselves of that.

Instead of celebrating people who all share one name,

we're celebrating people who make our favourite time of year that

little bit more special. Tonight,

we're going to be talking about the stars of Christmas.

So, let's get on with the show. It's time to pick a Christmas star.

Panellists are going to choose a category and behind each category

lurks one of the big players from Christmas,

who our team must then attempt to win.

So, what have we got? We've got...

Josh, you're up first, so choose a category if you will.

Can we have the Christmas Presenter?

You've chosen king of Christmas telly, the first Noel, Noel Edmonds.

Let's unwrap the stats.

Noel Edmonds is the undisputed king of Christmas Day television.

Over the past 25 years,

he has made more appearances on Christmas Day

than any other presenter, apart from the Queen, obviously.

Now, Martin, you must have worked with the legend of "Noelle".

Noel, yeah, I worked with him loads of times.

Especially on Swap Shop,

and all of those TV shows in the early '80s, but,

there's one memory that I have of Noel,

that frightens the life out of me.

And it was the 13th of July, 1985, right?

Live Aid. And the only way you could get into Wembley Stadium

that day, because the roads were so busy, was to get on a helicopter.

And so, as I get to the heliport, in Battersea,

I see Noel Edmonds standing there.

And I think, "Oh, he must be going to the same place."

So, I get on the helicopter, look around as we take off.

Noel is flying the helicopter.

Oh! Chilling.

So, was he involved in Live Aid at all?

-Or was he just...?

-No, he...

..ran a helicopter company, at that point,

and he was flying all of the acts in and out of Wembley.

Mr Blobby waving you in?

-Yeah.

-Erm, Noel's first Christmas show,

The Noel Edmonds Live, Live, Christmas Breakfast Show

was broadcast live from the BT Tower on the 25th of December, 1984.

The show featured a rather unusual outside broadcast.

-Where was it?

-Was it one of those very disappointing

Winter Wonderlands that they...?

-Top of Everest?

-Higher.

-Aeroplane.

-From an aeroplane.

Yes, absolutely, the first live link in an aeroplane,

and it was full of children. As the plane circled London,

the children were entertained by Radio 1 DJ, Gary Davies,

singer Feargal Sharkey and comedy duo, The Crankies.

If you look out of the right-hand window,

it'll be more entertaining than watching the show.

What happened during Feargal Sharkey's performance?

It wasn't one of those classic ones where he couldn't hear the music

he was meant to be miming to?

It's exactly, exactly that.

Let's take a look.

# You little thief

# You let me love you

# You saw me stumbling

# You watched me fall

# You left me broken... #

But hats off to Feargal for handling that like a pro.

Yeah. Yeah.

I love the way it says, "World's first in-air pop performance."

As if that is what we've been waiting for.

Noel's live TV career started on the BBC Saturday morning show

Multi-Coloured Swap Shop.

He went on to present a string of TV shows including Telly Addicts,

The Late Late Breakfast Show and, in the '90s, Noel's House Party.

In '93, how did Noel spoil Christmas for Take That?

Well, the same way he spoiled every Christmas.

By being on telly, surely.

He got the number one...

I remember vividly.

It was a fight to number one.

It was Take That's Babe versus Mr Blobby's Mr Blobby.

And Mr Blobby was the number one single for Christmas.

That's absolutely right, yes.

Yeah, he knocked him straight off the top.

Does anybody know who plays Mr Blobby?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-He's a Shakespearean actor and he's called Barry something.

You're absolutely right, Barry. Barry Killerby was his name.

Um, Blobby records weren't Noel's only chance to cash in.

That and the helicopter work. How had he milked the success

of Noel's House Party further?

-Oh, Blobby World.

-Crinkley Bottom theme parks.

Three in total, in Morecambe, Lowestoft and Somerset.

The attractions included the Narnia tunnel, gunge mines,

the Listernewt pub

and Throttled Cock farm.

Um, here's Mr Blobby's house,

Dunblobbin, as it was.

Dunblobbin!

Dunblobbin. Let's have a look at it a few years later.

ALL: Oh!

-Oh, wow.

-It's like Chernobyl there.

It's really, it's really haunting.

Cher-blobbyl?

Listen, it's time to play for the Christmas Presenter.

Noel is a devoted motoring enthusiast

when he wasn't flying a helicopter with Martin in it.

He's got a vastly expensive Ford GT40.

There it is. What did Noel admit to doing in that car at 4:30am?

-Oh, no.

-Don't go there.

Don't go there.

It wasn't, was it?

-Was it?

-It wasn't, he didn't have sex in it.

-Was he on his own?

-He was on his own.

He was...

-Nude.

-Naked?

He was totally nude.

He said, and I quote, he decided to take it out for a breather.

This is the car, one assumes.

-Take it out for a breather?

-I don't get involved, I just read the quotes.

-Oh, my goodness.

-The poor thing was stuck in its stable and needed

-exercise.

-Oh!

I mean, one of the many reasons I would never do that is if I crashed,

how would you explain that to the ambulance brigade?

"Sorry, I've got no clothes on,

"but that's just to help you guys see where I'm hurt."

Do you know what? I would love to be there when he gets home and he tries

to get up off of that seat, that leather seat, and he's all stuck to it.

SQUELCHING

Oh! That's where he got the idea for crinkly bottom.

-Oh, God.

-Congratulations, Josh's team.

You win the Christmas Presenter.

So, Richard, your turn.

Time to pick a mystery Christmas star.

We've got...

-Choose a category, why don't you?

-Christmas Baby?

-Yes.

-Christmas Baby.

You have picked, yes,

the infant born approximately 2017 years ago in Bethlehem, baby Jesus.

So let's have a look at his stats.

He's the real reason, of course, we have Christmas,

even if his birth was a sort of mixed up affair

with the pagan festival of the winter solstice.

Here's your classic nativity scene.

Shepherds, tick.

Animals, tick, wise men, tick.

Perspective, still to come.

Who is credited with organising the first nativity scene?

Oh, I know this. This was, um, Mrs Phillips, my first-year teacher.

Did a very good job.

-JOSH:

-Were you in a nativity, Richard?

-RICHARD:

-Um, a nativity play, yeah, of course.

-JOSH:

-Yeah... Not "the nativity".

I was carrying frankincense.

You'd be a good king.

-Yeah.

-Who were the other kings? Simon Le Bon, I bet.

Yep. Le Marl.

Any ideas who it might have been?

-Was it, erm, Saint Francis?

-It was.

Francis of Assisi. Absolutely. There he is.

He got permission from the Pope to set up a real-life manger with a cow

and a donkey, and invited the villagers to come and have a look.

And the villagers replied, "Um, yeah, all right, mate."

Well, over the years, many artists have tried to

capture the holy beauty of baby Jesus. Not all have managed it.

Here is the Adoration Of The Kings

by Pieter Bruegel The Elder.

-Oh.

-He's just given birth to Matt Lucas.

Here's Alesso Baldovinetti's Virgin And Child.

They've swaddled him too hard, haven't they?

He looks like he's burst down the end.

And finally, an anonymous, pre-Renaissance,

magnificent Madonna And Child.

-Oh.

-If you had a baby that looked like that, you'd turn to religion,

wouldn't you?

What does she have in her...? Is it a flame in her hand?

-It's a pear.

-Is the pear symbolic of something important?

-SUZANNAH:

-Yeah, yeah.

So they'd often put fruit in medieval religious art and things.

So an apple would be original sin.

And a cucumber would be the resurrection.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

-Sorry.

I've never seen a cucumber in a Renaissance picture.

-Is that...? Where...?

-You haven't been looking hard enough.

-Obviously not.

-Pre-Renaissance. Pre-Renaissance.

-Oh, oh.

-Crucially.

-There's the mistake I made.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The pear though, it's because it's like a woman's shape.

It's a fruit of the womb and it's also associated with wisdom and

sweetness and long life, immortality

because pear trees grow for a long time.

What I've just realised is on this show,

the historian can say anything and we're all so thick we'll buy it.

And the second they get called on it, so Suzannah gets called by Jack,

"I've never seen a cucumber in a Renaissance painting."

She just goes, "Yep. You haven't been looking hard enough."

And Jack goes, "Oh, OK, yeah."

It's just, I was humiliated, it shut me up.

And she was able to get on with all the rubbish she's coming out with.

In ten years' time they'll play that clip and say he was the first guy who worked it out.

-Jack Dee.

-Yeah, me.

I was the one brave enough to say, "Hey, hang on a second..."

Various miracles have been attributed to the Madonna and Child.

One concerns 12th-century monk, St Bernard Clairvaux

at Speyer Cathedral in 1146.

What's supposed to have happened while he was praying before a statue

-of the Virgin Mary?

-So, he was Saint Bernard, did a large dog...?

Were there tears appearing out of her eyes?

You're on the right road, Jack, but it was a bodily emanation.

Oh.

-JOSH:

-Oh, no.

Was it a rude emanation?

No, I think it was a very natural emanation.

Oh, milk from the breast?

-Indeed.

-What!

Fired breastmilk, yes.

The sculpture of Mary squirted milk right into the mouth

of Saint Bernard. There he is.

-That's a good shot.

-That is gross!

-Is that for real?

-Yeah, that's not a snapshot of it happening.

How many shades of wrong is this story, really?

Well, I mean, she was just expressing herself, literally, as it were.

All right, listen, it's time to play for the Christmas Baby.

In Cincinnati, a nativity created by Jason and Amanda Dixon caused

controversy for the last three years.

Why? Why has it upset the locals?

Have they changed the sex?

Is it like a female Jesus?

It's even worse than that, Josh.

I can't imagine anything worse than that, Sue.

So if you think perhaps not a living Jesus?

Oh, a zombie Jesus.

Zombie Jesus!

Yeah, let's have a look at zombie Jesus.

Yep.

Yeah, that'll stop the carol singers dead in their tracks.

Zombie Jesus was the second choice of the name for Spandau Ballet,

wasn't it?

Congratulations. Well done, Richard's team.

You win the Christmas Baby.

So, Richard, your turn.

Time to pick a mystery Christmas star.

-Christmas Cook.

-We'll go for Christmas Cook, please, Sue.

You're going to go for Christmas Cook.

Well, you've chosen Naked Chef and scourge of the turkey twizzler,

Jamie Oliver.

Let's have a look at his stats.

Jamie's big break was a passing appearance

on the 1996 River Cafe TV series.

He only turned up that day to cover,

because somebody else was ill.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

And the next day, he had five different calls

from production companies.

And that one extra shift turned out to be worth over 150 million quid.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah. I mean,

I suppose I only got this job because Mel's phone had run out of

batteries, but you take it when you can.

Martin, what was your lucky break?

-How did you go from...?

-My lucky break. I used to...

When my brother started up with his band and it was a kind of school band

and I used to roadie for them.

And every day I would take the equipment to the gig

and I would stand at the back and watch them play and every time,

I would hope and pray and wish that something terrible

was going to happen to one of them so that I could stand-in.

I saw a documentary on Spandau Ballet,

and they said that the reason that you got put into the band

was someone said that,

"He is too good looking not to be in Spandau Ballet."

I wasn't going to say that, Josh.

I couldn't understand for a long time,

because I didn't have a mobile phone when I started out in doing

what I'm doing, doing stand-up.

And the way you start doing that is that you go out and you do try-outs,

as you know, and open spots,

and people will ring you back if they want you to come and do a gig.

And I was doing this for about a year and a half

and no-one rang me back.

And Jane said, "Well, why don't you get a phone?"

I got an answer phone, cos I was out all day working in a bar,

and the day I got the answer phone,

I came back and there were about four people saying, "Can you do a gig?

"We've been trying to get a hold of you", and I was about to give up.

And I bought this answer phone and all of a sudden my career took off.

So we're talking about lucky breaks.

Mine was when I went to Dixons.

Um, 2016, Jamie released his first Christmas cookbook,

which came in for some criticism.

-Why?

-It was Easter.

Wasn't it that it was just huge amounts of calories?

If you ate one of his meals, it was like, you're off the charts.

But isn't that the same for every Christmas dinner?

Well, this was pretty, pretty intense, actually.

The Christmas Day menu clocked in at almost 10,000 calories.

What did he do? Deep fry everything? What was the...? What was the...?

Well, it was the holidays, so it was a full festive lunch,

the suggested evening leftovers meal and drinks.

I love it. I'm getting that book.

-Which book was that?

-Is anybody here a vegetarian?

-Does anybody...?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I am.

What do you eat at Christmas?

-We have vegetable lasagne.

-I'd be all right with that.

-You're not invited.

-No.

You are.

Brutal. It's always, it's a challenge.

-What do you have for...?

-You can have everything else.

You can have all the Yorkshire puddings and the mashed potatoes.

I have the trimmings with the vegetable lasagne.

See, that's where I object.

-Oh, really?

-I think if you're not having the meat,

you shouldn't have all the other stuff.

It's cheating.

Jamie's not just a television cook.

He also has a chain of restaurants.

Why is he losing money at his restaurants?

Oh, I know this.

They've got the napkins and they say "Jamie's" on them.

And people, like, are stealing them all the time.

Are you stealing them, Josh?

-Is that how you know?

-I have got one. Yeah, of course. I'm not an idiot.

He reckons that 30,000 napkins a month get taken.

Why doesn't he just stop putting his name on them?

Now that's the scientist, you see.

Meanwhile, Antony Worrall Thompson's new shop,

World Of Napkins, going from strength to strength.

Roaring trade. Jamie recently upset Spain with one of his recipes.

-Do you remember why?

-He made a paella that wasn't like a paella at all or

-something, wasn't it?

-Yes. Does anyone know what he put in it?

White wine in it instead of red wine or something like that?

-No rice.

-He put chorizo in it,

and you're not supposed to put chorizo in it.

-He did, yeah.

-Yeah.

-The cooks were not amused.

They tweeted him stuff like, "Great work, Jamie Oliver.

"I also cooked paella. Hope you like my version."

I love the indignation, though,

that happens when they change the recipe very slightly.

Of course they're going to change it.

That's the whole point of having it on the TV show.

I think it was Nigella put white wine instead of red wine

in bolognese and it was like, "Blah, you can't do that!"

Get a life.

Try it with white wine and fuck off.

Can't wait for the Jack Dee cookery show.

All right, listen. Time to play for the Christmas Cook.

This is a challenge now for both teams.

Jamie's had wonderful TV shows over the years.

29 in total.

I want each team to name one of his series in turn, until you run dry.

-Richard, we're going to start with you.

-Oh, my word.

-Your first one, please.

-We'll start with the Naked Chef.

-JOSH:

-I'm out.

-Naked Chef's right.

-Comfort Food.

-Is right.

-Jamie's School Dinners.

-Jamie's School Dinners, yes.

-Five Ingredients.

Yes.

This is where we find that Jack Dee is actually

Britain's greatest Jamie Oliver archivist.

Jamie's 30 Minute Meals?

Yes, well done.

Oh. Um...

Do you know what?

I think we don't know.

Any more. We don't know.

-Do you know any more?

-15 Minute Meals.

Oh, yes.

-That's definitely one.

-That is definitely one.

-Hey! Come on!

-Pipped at the post.

Well done. Richard's team, you win the Christmas Cook.

Time now to fire up our Christmassy fruit machine.

Each time I spin, up will pop three Christmassy names.

Our team must match the extraordinary fact to the extraordinary person.

So, let's spin.

You've got three Kings.

Spooky scribe Stephen King, bike-loving cook Simon King,

and singer turned Strictly star Mollie King.

The question is, which King suffers from triskaidekaphobia,

which is the fear of the number 13?

Josh, you go first, please.

I only know about Stephen King, who is quite an odd guy, right?

Yes, he's eccentric, isn't he?

Could he have triskaidekaphobia?

All of them could, obviously.

Because...

That's what we're here for.

Yeah.

I think...

I know he famously went straight from his 12th to his 14th book,

didn't he? And there's the weird...

Anyone got any phobias, while we're on the subject?

I've been asked if I've got a phobia,

you know, when you do shows and stuff,

have you got any phobias? No, I haven't got any phobias.

"Nothing at all? Snakes?"

Of course I'm scared of snakes, that's not a phobia,

that's rational.

That's not a phobia, is it?

To be scared of something that could kill you, like that.

-That's normal.

-That was terrifying, that.

-Yeah.

-That's right, they are terrifying.

That was bitey and spitty.

Yes, it was a spitting biter.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-When you do that, your hair goes like this.

-Do it, do it!

-I've never done it before, how am I so good?

Yes!

Do you know what? I've been fearing that I haven't got a thing.

I've got a thing now.

You've got my thing.

I did it first, let's not forget that.

So if I was to push you for an answer?

Can we go with Stephen King?

You can.

Richard's team. Are you a fan of The Saturdays?

You're a big music fan. Do you know their work?

Yeah, I like The Saturdays.

Frankie.

Mollie.

-The others.

-Others.

Yeah. What do you think?

Maybe The Hairy Biker?

-Maybe Si King?

-Go with Mollie.

-Go with Mollie?

-Yeah.

Terrified of the number 13, which is why

when S Club 7 started getting bigger and bigger she left.

So you think it is Mollie who is triskaidekaphobic?

Yes, we do think that.

The answer is...

Yes, there you go.

Suffers from thirteen-ophobia as we say.

King says...

There is a guy crying out for a bungalow.

Josh, well done, you win the Stephen King.

So here comes three more Christmassy names,

we have got the original Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas,

we've got the great lover and film star Rudolph Valentino and hit maker

Bee Gee Robin Gibb.

So the question goes to you, Richard, first,

which of these was said to possess a cursed ring?

Well... Would you expect Robin Gibb has a cursed ring?

That's why he has got such a high voice.

Perhaps Robin Gibb bought, you know, like, some rock stars,

they get a thing where they buy something.

You might have bought Aleister Crowley's ring or something.

-That's right.

-That's the kind of thing they do, right?

-Yes, I will go with you guys.

-We think that Robin Gibb has a cursed ring.

What a time to tune in to the show that would be.

Josh's team, who has got the cursed ring for you?

What's the story of Rudolph Valentino?

-I don't know...

-A real lothario, wasn't he?

Yes, lothario.

Just like a kind of Darren Day figure?

Yes!

But even more randy, if you can imagine that.

Even more randy than Darren Day?!

One more randy than Darren Day.

Darren twice-a-day?

Rudolph Valentino, then.

-Should we go with that?

-It feels right.

You're going to go for Rudolph Valentino? All right.

The answer is Rudolph Valentino.

According to legend, '20s film star

Valentino bought an unusual cat's eye ring in San Francisco.

He knew it was said to be cursed but dismissed it as silly superstition.

It would have looked something like this.

So let me give you the full story.

According to The Telegraph, he wore the ring while filming

his next movie, The Young Rajah, which turned out to be his only flop.

He didn't wear it again until a trip to New York,

two weeks later he was dead.

Shortly afterwards his friend, actress Pola Negri, chose the ring as a memento.

Almost immediately, she suffered a mystery illness

that nearly ended her career.

While recuperating she gave the ring to young singer Russ Columbo.

A few days later, he died in a mysterious shooting accident.

-Wow.

-The ring then went to Russ's best friend, Joe Casino -

still wearing the ring when he was killed by a runaway lorry.

It was then stolen by a burglar, who was shot dead by the police, with

the ring in his pocket. Then borrowed by a young actor for a screen test, who

then died of a rare disease within weeks, before it finally vanished

at a fire at the bank where it was kept.

And I was given it shortly before doing my last episode of Bake Off.

Well done, though, Josh's team.

You get...

The Rudolph.

Right, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.

I'm going to start by reading out a Christmas-based gem

and you buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

First up, we've got the Queen's grandfather, King George V.

BELL

A Domino's.

BUZZER

King George VI.

His Christmas speech.

Absolutely.

BELL

Developed a stutter and thought, "This will make a good film."

That was his son, wasn't it?

Did he decide to show the nation that he was the boy with the dragon tattoo?

No, he did, he had a tattoo.

-Did he?

-Yeah.

-Of what?

-Of a dragon.

I just said.

-Very good.

-If you ever watch the tape back, the clues were all there.

He fell through his chair.

Aww!

He made the speech from Windsor Castle and just

as he was about to go live to the nation, he sat on the chair and the

entire bottom fell out of it and they just managed to prise him out

before the broadcast.

Sadly no-one wins the king there.

We will move to the next one.

We've got old chimney-lover, Santa Claus.

BUZZER

When the real Santa Claus turned up,

with a bat and a grudge.

Imagine what happened when they get a lot of men in hot costumes.

-A lot of...

-Did they all start drinking?

They did, yes. What happens when you've got lads drinking?

-A fight?

-Ding dong merrily on high?

Yeah, ding dong merrily on high.

BUZZER

When the police turned up and made a list

of who had been naughty and who had been nice.

The police did turn up, so actually I will give you that.

LAUGHTER

Yes. This was at the Newtown in Powys, where 4,000 people dressed

as Father Christmas and heavy drinking led to a mass brawl.

Well done, Richard's team.

You win the Santa.

So, we have come to the end of the show and I can tell you tonight that

this evening's winners with the most Christmassy names collected -

Richard's team!

-Yay!

-Well done!

Well done!

And seeing as it is Christmas, of course I have got you presents.

You get to take home this magnificent

and entirely brand-new festive album

from Alexander Armstrong.

-Classy.

-I will pass that over.

-Classy. Thank you.

-Enjoy.

Of course nobody goes home empty-handed. For the losers,

Rudolph Valentino's cursed ring.

-Catch it!

-Argh!

My thanks to all my guests and thanks to you,

most importantly, at home for watching.

Happy Christmas to everyone and we are going to be back with the rest

of the series in the New Year.

For now, goodnight.