Jack Insert Name Here

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to Insert Name Here, the show where we discover

surprising facts about people with just one thing in common -

they've all got the same name.

Joining me, six of my favourite people,

each bearing their own unique moniker. Please welcome Tom Davis,

Kate Williams and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe,

and on the other side, Aisling Bea, Robert Peston,

and their captain, Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE

Robert, you've got a very noble, ancient name, are you happy with it?

Yes, it is an ancient name, but actually cos I'm Jewish I've got

an alternative name on my Jewish birth certificate, which is Raphael.

-So powerful!

-Raphael!

There was a moment when I thought it sounds so distinguished, Raphael.

-Like one of the Turtles.

-It's a bit pretentious, maybe.

Yeah, the best of all the turtles.

My Jewish name is Splinter.

I'm going to move to the all-important question of,

ce soir, which name is going to be featuring?

They can be nimble, quick,

and even jump over candlesticks,

because tonight's name is Jack.

Ooh!

So, we'll be talking all the Jacks, including Jackies,

Jacquelines and maybe even the odd Jacques.

Along the way our teams will collect as many Jacks as they can,

and at the end of the show the winning team will have the honour

of deciding who's officially the greatest Jack of all time.

Richard, any thoughts early on as to who that might be?

Yes, it's a slight dilemma

but I think I've solved it, I'm going to go for

a gentleman called Jack Gray,

Who was an Australian rules football player,

who played for Footscray. It's essentially because

I'm a really big fan of Jack Black and a big fan of Jack White

and I couldn't choose between the two so I compromised.

Josh, any idea who your favourite best Jack is?

Jacks? Yeah. I thought there's a lot of fairy tale kind of Jacks

that you learn about, kind of fictionalised Jacks.

So there's "be nimble".

-Yes.

-There's "and the beanstalk".

-Yes.

And there's Jackie Stallone.

Oh, yes. I have to tell you, she might not be fictional.

-Is she not fictional?

-No-one's actually seen her in the flesh.

She doesn't feel real to me.

Let's crack on with the show.

It's time to pick a Jack, any Jack. Our panellists are going to choose

a category, behind each category lurks a famous Jack,

which our teams must then attempt to win.

So, what have we got? We've got...

Richard, you're going to go first. Why not pick a category?

We will go for Action Jack please, Sue.

Excellent stuff. A wise choice, you've chosen martial arts supremo

Jackie Chan. Let's have a look at his stats.

# Everybody was kung-fu fighting Huh! #

Now, Jackie Chan was born in Hong Kong.

-Did that just happen?

-It did just happen, yeah.

I thought I was having a stroke.

I don't think that's one of the warning signs.

-Oh, is it not?

-No.

-Smell toast and

you can hear Carl Douglas.

Jackie Chan was born in Hong Kong,

one of China's biggest-ever film stars, appearing in over 100 films,

including Heart Of Dragon, Rush Hour and, of course, The Karate Kid.

Anybody a fan of kung fu films?

Yeah, I'm a big fan. Big fan of Jackie Chan as well, actually.

And I've recently been putting together this action thing,

and a guy on Twitter sort of said, "I love Jackie Chan," and he said,

"I know him, I can get you a meeting with Jackie Chan."

So, I was, like, buoyed by it, I thought, "why would you lie about such a thing?"

And I went and met this guy in KFC.

The signs were there, Tom!

But then this oriental guy just turned up and he basically tried to

pretend that this was Jackie Chan.

-No!

-Yeah, it was the weirdest scenario I've ever been in.

-Did he

do anything to try and convince you that he was Jackie Chan?

No, he looked as embarrassed as I did.

I don't even know what he told the guy

-to bring him along, whether he sort of like said...

-Oh, he probably

said you were George Clooney.

Now, it's as a martial arts star we know Jackie best.

During his film career he's earned two world records -

one, most stunts by a living actor.

Does anyone know the other world record?

Least stunts by a dead actor.

It's got something to do with credits.

Most credits on the same film?

-For one person?

-Is right! Yes.

-Ooh!

-Most credits in one movie.

For the 2012 movie, Chinese Zodiac,

he was credited with 15 different roles.

There they are.

Plus - and I'm not making this up -

catering coordinator.

So, he did the catering?!

Well, he coordinated it.

In all fairness, he's doing nearly every job, so he's pretty much

just feeding himself.

He's the first 14 people in the queue, isn't he?

I've just had a terrible realisation that there are seven of us,

and none of us said Jack of all trades.

- Josh, shall I tell you why? - Why?

Cos all of us thought of it, every single one of us,

you thought of it last, that's often the case.

Because that expression ends, "and master of none",

we were all a bit too respectful to Jackie Chan to say it.

So, I think it's slightly rude

of you, so maybe you should apologise to Jackie Chan.

I'm sorry to Jackie Chan.

If you want to apologise face-to-face,

I know a guy who knows him.

APPLAUSE

Jackie Chan does all his own stunts. As a result,

no insurance company will underwrite his productions.

He's injured himself dozens of times over the years.

Dislocated shoulder, broken fingers,

knee damage, chin, lips, teeth, nose,

but does anybody know how he hurt himself in the film Project A?

Yeah, did he burn his tongue testing the soup?

He fell - how far do we think he fell?

Did he fall in love and break his heart?

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Oh! No.

So, he fell three storeys from a clock tower and deliberately landed

without a crash mat.

Not only that, he did several takes - here's a couple.

Aarrrgh!

-GROANING

-I've got to say, I don't think he did fall deliberately -

he was desperately trying to hold on to that.

The good news is that luckily there was a medic on the set -

a certain Mr J Chan.

At drama school,

we used to love doing stunts, like, that was always that thing,

like if you're fighting someone and, say, Richard, what you do is,

I control this,

so you will do onto my hand, but I'll move my hand and you go like...

Oh, Jesus, ow!

Oh, Richard!

That kind of stuff, but it looks really convincing.

If they do that as the trailer without the explanation...

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I did, at the end of interviewing Michael Fallon,

I did bang my head on the table, I just went like that.

And I didn't think the camera was on, but it was.

-And it became a bit of a thing.

-Given the choice again,

would you rather meet Michael Fallon or bang your head on a table?

I think one thing he WOULDN'T want to do

is bang Michael Fallon on a table.

So, time to play for the Jack.

And for this, we're going to go back to one of Jackie's classic

fighting scenes. This is from his breakthrough film,

Snake In The Eagle's Shadow.

OK, now, what move does Jackie finally use

to overpower his opponent?

Three-point turn.

Disappointing catering?

Makes like an animal, that's all I'm going to say.

He pretends to be a dog? And barks at him.

-Very close to dog.

-Cat.

-It IS a cat.

Let's have a look.

CAT SCREECHES

GROANING

Jackie, of course, then finishes him off by pissing in his slippers.

Listen, congratulations, Josh's team cos you get the Jack.

Right, Josh's team, it's your turn, pick a Jack.

I like the idea of Evil.

-Let's go dark.

-Yeah?

Let's do it.

"Like the idea of Evil."

Says Josh Widdicombe!

You've picked Victorian London's most prominent bad guy,

-Jack the Ripper.

-Boo!

-Here he is.

You're right to boo.

Let's have a look at his stats.

Jack the Ripper is said to have been responsible for at least

five murders over a 12-week period, beginning in August of 1888.

Now, Kate, your first novel is about macabre murders in Victorian London.

-It is.

-Were you influenced by the Ripper case?

I was. You know, my favourite story and murder of all of them

is a gentleman called - well, not gentlemen -

called Thomas Neill Cream.

-Called what?

-Thomas Neill Cream. And he was a poisoner.

-Neill Cream?

-Doctor Thomas Neill Cream.

-Sounds like leg ointment.

There were a lot of Creamy murderers cos there's another one called

The Chocolate Cream Poisoner, who used to poison chocolate creams in Brighton.

This one... Watch out! But this one was called...

-Watch out!

-Dr Cream...

There are people sitting at home now in Brighton going, "Wait a minute!"

-Neill Cream.

-Neill Cream...

Those two guys on Gogglebox, who live in Brighton, watching!

Neill Cream, he poisoned...

He poisoned lots of women - working women, who were out on the streets -

and it began to be a big story in 1892.

Everyone was talking about it.

And so he decided to capitalise on the great fame of the murders

by running tours to the area that he'd committed the murders.

-No?!

-Sorry, Neill Cream ran his own tours to his own murder sites?

-Yes.

-Amazing!

-He's the Jackie Chan of murderers!

An off-duty New York policeman went on the tour

and was curious about his enthusiasm and detailed grasp of the facts,

and reported him to Scotland Yard,

-and that's how they got him.

-Amazing!

That off-duty New York cop goes on holiday

and then goes on a tour of crime scenes.

Have a day off, mate!

Debate still rages about the true identity of Jack the Ripper,

with new theories emerging all the time.

Let's have a look at a few of the candidates.

One of the most famous suspects is artist Walter Sickert.

There he is. This is a theory backed by American crime novelist

Patricia Cornwell. Does anybody know how much money she spent

-trying to prove that it was him?

-I think it was a good million dollars.

-I mean, it was a lot of money, wasn't it?

-7 million.

-What?!

-Wow.

-He was in Paris for most of the murders anyway.

He had a good alibi. They got desperate at the time.

They even accused our friend Neill Cream of it...

-Oh, not Cream!

-Cream!

How dare they?! I will not hear a word against him.

He was in prison, so someone said he must have had a body double

serve his sentence.

Double Cream?

What does Patricia believe turned Sickert into a murderer?

He was a depressive and schizophrenic, wasn't he?

He also had a fistula in his penis.

-Oh!

-Ugh!

And it basically was a botched operation

on the, er, penile fistula.

And I resisted telling you about my unusual injury.

Because I thought, actually, even, you know, at ten at night,

-it was...

-No, I need to hear it now.

-Here we go!

-Please!

Bed in, Raphael's got news!

I had a hernia operation a few years ago,

and then I had...sex two hours afterwards...

-Oh, legend!

-Legend!

Robbo! Robbo! Robbo!

And...

This is, at worst, a humble brag now!

Well...

So I then had the haemorrhage...

-Oh!

-..of all haemorrhages.

And, literally, everything sort of below here went blue.

-Erm, but I went to the doctor and I said, er...

-I bet you did!

"I'm really sorry, I'm really embarrassed, I shouldn't

"have done this." They said, "You'd be surprised how many people

-"get into this predicament!"

-Really?!

Yes. Apparently, it's less unusual than you think.

So is it the rush after the sort of anaesthetic's wearing off

-that makes you...?

-I don't know.

No, there's this hernia nurse, right, and she...

No, no, no, no!

Other suspects include Victorian composer Michael Maybrick.

There he is. And James Maybrick, Michael's brother.

He's more handsome than his brother.

That makes me think his brother did it more.

Because he's so handsome and his brother felt inadequate.

-Yeah.

-But then is that exactly what he wanted you to think?

I remember when I was young, I wanted...

really wanted to write my name on the door ledge.

I was like, "God, I really want to write my name on the door ledge!"

And I was like, "No, because if I write my name on the door ledge,

"then my mother will know that I did it. So I'll write

"my sister Sinead's name on the door ledge,

"and then she'll think that Sinead did it."

But then I was like, "No, cos she'll know that's exactly

"the sort of thing I'd do, so I'll write my own name on the door ledge

"and it'll look like Sinead wrote my name on the door ledge."

But I got caught out because Sinead couldn't write or read at the time.

I got sloppy. I got sloppy.

Yeah. But there were nearly as many suspects as there were

people living in London, weren't there, Kate, at this time?

Yes, there were. So they questioned 2,000 people...

They questioned 2,000 people?!

They did. Brought in 80, and charged no-one, but they had...

-It's like X Factor!

-Everyone, everyone.

Also, one of the best suspects was an actor.

He was called Richard Mansfield, and he was playing Jekyll and Hyde,

and he played it so well that the audience decided he was guilty

and was Jack the Ripper, and he was taken in by the police.

-That is a good review!

-Yeah.

-GREAT review.

It's time to play for the Jack.

For this, we're going to look at a classic big-screen retelling

of the story - the '80s classic

Bridge Across Time, starring David Hasselhoff.

-Ah!

-Now, according to the movie,

how does Jack the Ripper end up in Arizona in 1985?

Oh, through London Bridge, I would guess.

You've ju... Have you actually seen this movie?!

No, they bought London... Or they bought what they thought

was London Bridge, and it's now in Arizona.

Is absolutely right!

What?! Whoa!

Yeah!

The idea behind the film is that the evil spirit of Jack the Ripper

seeped out of the original Victorian stone.

Er, congratulations, Richard's team, you win the Jack.

Yay!

So, Richard, can I entice you to pick a Jack, please?

You can, indeed.

We will go for a...Saucy Jack.

Erm, you've chosen Saucy Jack,

and it's multi-million selling sexy novelist Jackie Collins.

-Oh!

-Let's have a look at her stats.

So, Jackie was born on 4th October, 1937, in North-West London.

Of course, the younger sister of actor Joan Collins.

As a girl, she went to school in Baker Street,

but got into trouble from an early age.

What did she sell in the playground?

-Was it heroin?

-No.

-Stationery?

-No.

-Naughty stories?

-Pens? Oh, they're stationery.

I'll give you naughty stories. Naughty limericks.

She wrote them herself and sold them for a penny a time.

Who's buying them? That's the kind of kid that you're just going

to hate. "Guess what I've just brought. A naughty limerick from..."

-"Oh, shut up, mate!"

-I'd have bought it!

Er, she got the idea of the limericks from her English teacher,

Mr Presticles.

Jackie's first novel - a sexy tale about a cheating husband,

set in Swinging '60s London, called The World Is Full Of Married Men,

was published in 1968 and promptly banned

in Australia and South Africa.

Here's the racy cover of the first UK edition.

-Ooh!

-The guy on the right, of course,

later appeared on a packet of Pringles.

How did fellow novelist Barbara Cartland describe this novel?

I hate to throw a weird theory at you,

but imagine Boris Johnson with some make-up on.

That's him.

How did Barbara describe this novel?

-Filthy?

-Filthy is absolutely one of the words she used, yep, well done.

-Yeah.

-Nasty, filthy and disgusting.

-Nasty, filthy and disgusting.

-Oh!

She was the queen of romance, who wrote a total of 723 novels,

and thought this new steamy genre was outrageous and unseemly.

In fact, she carried on thinking that for years.

Here she is with Jackie, on Wogan, in 1987.

And apart from that, we've got to do something about the whole country,

you know we have. And we've got to go away from all this awful,

terrible... It's evil, really.

What?

The books that you write, quite frankly.

Oh!

GASPING, APPLAUSE

-Look at Terry!

-Wogan, though, just total panic.

Just thinking, "Right, I'll quickly need to bring Bananarama on.

"Let's get 'em on."

Eight of Jackie's novels have been adapted for TV or film,

and her big break was the movie adaptation of The Stud.

It was her sister, Joan, who got the project off the ground

and starred as Fontaine, the hedonistic nightclub owner.

Here's Joan, with Oliver Tobias.

-Ah! Oh, my goodness!

-I can't work out whose legs are whose.

Now it's time for you to win the big one - Jackie Collins.

It's a question about her Hollywood series of books - Hollywood Wives,

Hollywood Husbands, and Hollywood Wives: The New Generation.

So, here are some characters from the books.

We've got...

Just two of these names are fake, so I want the team to find...

-Well, they're all fake.

-Two of them don't appear...

Two of them don't appear in her books.

So, I want each team to pick one that they think

-is a bogus Jackie Collins character.

-I read the...

I read the recent... She wrote another one,

which was Paul Hollywood's Wives, which I enjoyed very much.

I think Bibi Sutton.

I think Bibi Sutton, definitely, because I think everyone...

I come from round there and everyone would go,

"Oh, my God, can you believe it? She named a character after where

-"we're from."

-What, Sutton?

-Yeah, Sutton.

So you think that's right because you come from near Sutton?

-You guys are going to go with...

-We're going to go with Bibi Sutton

because, otherwise, everyone in Sutton would have talked about it.

Richard's team, er, can I get you to pick?

I just think we'd all know Jack Python if he was real,

if he was in the books.

-Yeah.

-So I think... I would go with Jack Python.

-OK, well...

-But are you sure?

-No, no, no. Yeah.

-So you're going to pick Jack Python.

-Jack Python, please.

-And you're picking Bibi Sutton.

-Bibi Sutton.

-And the two fake names are...

Oh!

Sadly, no-one is going to win the Jackie but, on the plus side,

Jamie Oliver has got some new names for his next kid!

Right, time now to fire up the Jack-flavoured fruit machine.

Each time I spin, up will pop three of my favourite Jacks.

Our team must match the extraordinary fact

to the extraordinary Jack. Let's spin. We've got...

Underworld villain, Jack the Hat McVitie...

England footballing legend Jack Charlton...

And Sylvester's mum, Jackie Stallone.

-Ooh!

-Now, the question is,

which Jack completed their last year of school aged 40?

This is interesting because Jack Charlton was one of Ireland's most

successful football managers.

I remember Jack getting an honorary degree,

but he was way older.

-He was way older.

-And what about Jack the Hat McVitie?

Was he in... Did he go to prison for a while?

Would he have done his last year of school in prison?

-Interesting.

-Maybe.

-Who is this first guy again?

-He had a connection with the Krays.

-Yeah, he was killed by the Krays.

-That's a hell of a connection!

-Oh.

Do you know how old he was? That might help answer the question.

It'd be terrible if he was 41 and it was

a day after he'd finished school.

-So much potential!

-Guess what?! Guess what?!

Ronnie Kray goes, "If I hear one more thing

"about your French GCSE...!

-Jackie, I think Jackie.

-Jackie. We're going to go Jackie Stallone.

You're going Jackie.

Let's find out what Josh's team think.

There's a kind of empty period in my knowledge of Jack Charlton,

from 1966 to 1990.

I don't know what he did. Maybe he just went back and got his

-qualification.

-Jack Charlton, to do your coaching badges,

you'd probably need qualifications.

-Exactly.

-So I think he probably didn't finish school.

All right, so you're going to go with Jack Charlton?

-Jack Charlton.

-Let's have a look.

-It's Jackie Stallone.

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Well done!

Jackie. Having gone back to school aged 40,

Jackie went on to graduate with a degree in chemistry.

-Oh!

-And she put that education to excellent use,

cos she's now Dean of her very own

University of Astrology.

Their stringent entry requirement - extreme gullibility.

Well done. You win, Richard's team, the Jack.

APPLAUSE

-Well done.

-Right, let's have a look.

We'll spin again, and we've got...

Welsh Terrier, Swansea Jack...

South African baboon, Jack the baboon.

And pirates' best friend, Jack the parrot.

Ah! We've really run out of Jacks, haven't we?

So, the question is, which Jack used to operate railway signals?

-Oh, come on!

-Ooh.

-Surely it's number one?

-Let's consider how they would do it.

Dog, how are you considering he would do it?

Well, the dog seems the most obvious, doesn't it?

-No!

-Because in Slough, they've got the station dog,

preserved and stuffed on one of the platforms.

-Eurgh!

-Yeah, of course, I'd forgotten about that!

Oh, Josh!

-Is it in England?

-This happened in South Africa, in the 19th century.

In the 19th century?

-Right, well...

-That's not a 19th-century parrot, I'm sorry.

Neither is the middle one an original 19th-century baboon.

This is the worst, the one on the left is a cat!

I'd say the baboon, but...

You'd say the baboon. I'm going to go with Kate because she was so sure

about the stuffed dog in Slough.

And Slough is very much the South Africa of England.

All right, you've gone for... the Welsh Terrier, Swansea Jack.

Oh, wait,

he's called Swansea Jack?! Oh, disaster!

Can I go with Johannesburg Jack, the baboon?

Now, guys, what are you going to go with?

We are going to go, I think, for, was he called

Bloemfontein Jack, the one in the middle?

No, I actually only gave the moniker South African baboon.

Sometimes it pays to listen in this game, that's all I'm saying.

-Baboon?

-Baboon, please.

- We're going to go for the baboon. - Well, this is tense, isn't it?

It's the baboon!

This was in South Africa, late 19th century, Jack was a pet baboon,

trained by a signalman, who had been incapacitated.

And, although sceptical, the railway authorities tested him,

and were so impressed by his abilities

that they hired him in 1881,

paid him 20 cents a day, and even gave him an employee number.

It all worked perfectly,

although they never quite got to the bottom

of the missing banana cargo of 1886.

Richard, well done, you win Jack the baboon.

Time to play Finish The Fact.

I'm going to start by reading out a Jack-based gem,

you're going to buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

First up, we've got crazy war hero

Lieutenant Colonel "Mad Jack" Churchill.

Was it buy a round? I like the idea there was a last guy to buy a round.

Everyone was like, "When is Jack going to buy a round?"

-Never happened.

-Did you know it was illegal in World War I

-to buy a round?

-What?!

-It was against the law to buy a round...

You've tried this on me in the pub before.

Lloyd George said there were three threats facing us in Britain -

the Germans, Austria and drink, and the worst of them is drink,

and he thought that the only to win the war was by stopping everyone

drinking, so he brought in the law that you had to buy your own drink.

That is the best but most useless fact you've said on this show.

I love that.

I think I know this one, because we did this on Pointless.

He became the last British soldier

to have a UK top 40 single until James Blunt in 2005.

He was actually the last British soldier to shoot a German officer...

-..was killed.

-No.

It'll be something like bagpipes, something like that.

And it IS bagpipes! It is bagpipes.

Beautiful.

And he later stated if it wasn't for those damn Yanks...

Well done, Richard's team.

-That's a refreshing view, isn't it?

-Well done. You win the Jack.

Next, we got actor and comedian Jack Lemmon.

Let's have a look at him in all his glory.

Oh, it's Swansea, he was a keen South African.

So, was he late to the hospital or something,

was his mother late on the way?

Yes, but where was he, so he didn't make it to the hospital...

The driveway outside the hospital.

-No.

-In a car on the way to the hospital.

-No.

-Just before he got in the car on the way to hospital.

On the stairs before he got to the...

-Stairs is close.

-Lift.

Yes! A lift, yes.

Fixing a lift.

A crossword.

-Close.

-Cards.

It was a game... It was a card game, yes.

His parents were very serious bridge players,

and on the eighth of February 1925,

they were playing together in a highly competitive match in Boston.

Eventually, Jack's father persuaded her to go to hospital,

but on the way to the delivery room they got stuck in a lift.

She knew it was time to go when her waters broke, or as she called it,

a straight flush.

Very well done, Josh's team, you win the Jack.

Lovely Jack Lemmon.

So, we come to the end of the show,

and I can tell you that tonight's winners with the most Jacks,

Richard's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

- Well done. - Fair play.

Big moment now, Richard,

who are you going to name as your greatest Jack of all time?

I think that, of all the Jacks we've seen,

I think someone who came from an extraordinary family,

made an extraordinary amount of money with her own talent,

and was hated by Barbara Cartland,

I think we'll go for Jackie Collins?

-Yes.

-Jackie Collins, please, Sue.

Jackie Collins, a worthy choice.

Jackie Collins goes on the Insert Name Here Hall Of Fame.

Up she goes. And my thanks to all of our guests,

special thanks to all the Jacks here, there and everywhere,

and thanks to you, most of all, at home for watching. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING, WHISTLING