Tom and Gerri Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

-Which one of these is the frumpiest?

-Hmm?

I'm meant to be choosing my outfit for this audition.

She's meant to be a frumpy spinster.

-Well, what you're wearing now is good.

-I haven't changed yet.

I meant out of these two.

Oh, the blue one.

Really? Not this one?

Oh, whichever. What are you auditioning for?

-D-day Doris.

-Ha!

-What?

I thought you said D-day Doris.

I did say D-day Doris. It's a play about land girls.

Sounds like the kind of shit they tour around old people's homes.

It is. I haven't worked for five months, Tom.

-Beggars can't be choosers.

-Yep.

-Speaking of which, have you seen that tramp down there?

-Where?

There. Between the parked cars down there, look.

-I can't see anything.

-Well, exactly.

What kind of place is that to be a beggar, if no-one can see him?

He might not be begging. He might be waiting for someone.

Of course he's begging. He's got a polystyrene cup in front of him.

-Could be a pavement artist.

-Piss artist more like.

Yes, well, there but for the grace of God.

What? Saying I could be a tramp?

Don't use that word, Tom.

-What, tramp?

-Yes. It's insulting.

It's like gypsy or half-caste. You can't say it.

Well, whatever it is, I don't like it. It's weird.

Do you want me to walk you to walk you to the tube?

No, I'll be alright.

He's hardly going to attack a spinster named Doris, is he?

-How are you getting on with your marking?

-It's alright.

I'm giving them all a 'wow' stamp

and every fifth one gets a 'brilliant.'

I think you should be truthful. It matters what you write.

I remember teachers' comments.

If I read all these and marked them all properly I'd be here all night.

What would rather be doing? Staring out the window at your little...

-What?

-Indigent.

See, you don't know what to call him either, do you? A tramp's a tramp.

-I've got to go.

-Right, I'm going to walk you to the tube.

-You don't have to.

-I am.

I love you, Tom.

I need some milk anyway.

HE TUTS

OK, not to worry. Ring me when you get home, all right.

DOOR BUZZER RINGS

Right, I've got to go. I think my pizza's arrived. OK, yeah, love you.

Speak later. Bye.

Hello.

'I've got your wallet.'

Pardon?

'I think I've got your wallet. I found it outside.'

Err, OK, come up.

DOOR BUZZES

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Sorry, I just found it.

Oh, where, where was it?

-By the shops.

-Oh, didn't even know I'd lost it.

It's all there. I didn't take anything.

Oh, no, no, I was just... I've got some dry-cleaning in,

and you know what it's like when you can't find your ticket.

I don't do much dry-cleaning.

-HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

-No.

Well, look, thank you and I want to give you something.

Oh, you don't have to.

No, no, I'd like to.

I've only got 20s.

Haven't got any change, have you?

I might have a little bit in my cup...

Nah, nowhere near enough.

Right, look, I'm going to give you...I'm going to give you two 20s.

-Oh, no, that's too much.

-Yeah, it is.

Ideally I would give you 30, but, well,

you saved me a lot of hassle, you know?

Cancelling cards, and so, thanks.

I'm Migg.

Sorry?

-My name's Migg.

-Mick?

-No, Migg. Two Gs.

Steady on, I've just given you two 20s.

Sorry, do you want them back?

No, I was making a joke about the Gs being like grands.

Anyway, I need to close this door because it's freezing outside.

Yeah. Yeah, I know it is.

Yeah, of course you do.

Well...

Thanks.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello?

Oh, hi, Tom. It's Migg.

Sorry, who is it?

Migg. I found your wallet.

What, again?

No, before. Can I come in?

Err, I've just got out of the shower.

I've brought you a present.

Just...wait a minute.

How did you get in?

The door was open. Here. I used the money you gave me.

I did have a little nip. I'm sorry. It's bitter out there tonight.

Oh, is it?

Well, I just wanted to say thank you.

What for? I haven't done anything.

It's just nice to talk to a fellow human.

Makes me feel like I exist.

See you then.

Look, do you want a quick drink?

-Sorry?

-Just one for the road. One.

-Oh, I suppose so.

-Come in.

Thanks.

Should I take my shoes off?

If you don't mind.

Actually, fuck it, leave them on. It's fine.

Thank you.

Right, well, I'll get some glasses, shall I?

I'm afraid I haven't got any ice.

Oh, that's alright. I'm cold enough.

Yeah, so you keep saying.

Oh, sorry. Should I not sit here? Do you want me to move?

No, no, it's fine. You've done it now.

Best to just contain it.

-Here you go.

-Thanks.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

You doing your homework?

Yeah, marking. Ancient Egypt's come round again.

Ah.

I've actually got an assembly tomorrow

so I can't stay up too long.

Oh, of course.

It must be a rewarding job, though.

Yeah, it's alright. It's not really what I want to do.

What do you want to do?

Well, I'm writing a novel, actually.

Really? What's it about?

Well, it's like an English Charles Bukowski.

-You won't have heard of him.

-I know Charles.

Oh, yeah? Which one have you read?

No, I mean I know him. Well, I knew him.

I met him in New York.

Really?

Because he was a...one of you for a while.

Yeah, he took a bit of a shine to me.

-I spent a few weeks with him while he was writing his last book.

-Pulp?

That's the one. Do you know, I've never actually read it.

Well, I've got a copy of it here...

MIGG LAUGHS

So, what...what was he like?

CB? Oh. He was an amazing man.

Do you know, he told me such stories.

Such stories.

Tom, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?

-What time is it?

-It's 10.20. I thought you had an assembly.

Oh, shit, 12 missed calls.

What have you been doing?

-It was Migg.

-Who?

-You know, the guy from across the road.

What, the tramp?

Yeah, don't call him that. He's met Charles Bukowski.

-Has he been in the flat?

-He's still here I think. Migg!

Don't! I can't believe this.

You invited a tramp in off the street and got pissed with him.

It wasn't like that. He found my wallet. He was being kind.

It's really good. He's given me loads of really good ideas for the novel.

-You wait till you meet him.

-I don't want to meet him.

Get rid of him. You better call the school and make your apologies.

You need that job. You're not a writer yet.

Oh, well, at least I've got a job, DJ Doris.

Thank you very much.

I got offered the job, so piss off, Tom.

And it's D-Day Doris, actually.

Gerri!

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Oh, morning, Tom. I hope you don't mind. I had a bath.

-No, that's fine.

-I left the water in if you want to...

No, you're alright, thanks.

I'm late for work. I've got to get going.

I'm not being funny, Tom, but is that wise?

I mean, it's one thing missing your assembly

but you might make it worse if you turn up stinking of booze.

I'd phone in sick if I were you.

Oh, yeah, all right, well, I'll tell them

-I'll go in just for the afternoon.

-Yeah.

So who's Gerry? Is he your flatmate?

No, it's my girlfriend. Gerri with an I.

Ah, the mad actress. HE CHUCKLES

-Hey?

-That's what you were calling her last night.

Oh, God, I don't remember.

Let me make you some breakfast. I need five eggs and some liver.

Listen, Migg, I think maybe you better be making a move.

I've got a lot of marking to do

and Gerri's going to be back later on, so...

Yeah, that's fine, Tom, but I haven't got any clothes.

What?

You put them all in a bin bag and threw them out last night.

-Did I?

-Yeah.

You said you'd give me some of your clothes

so I didn't look like such an "incident?"

Yeah, I meant indigent.

-All right, well, I'll sort some stuff out for you.

-There's no rush.

Sit down. I'll make us that breakfast, shall I?

Right...

Yeah.

MIGG HUMS TO HIMSELF

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

-Right, three on Kamchatka.

-What? Where the hell's Kamchatka?

-There. I can bring my infantry over from Alaska.

-How?

There's a sea lane across the Pacific.

Erm, what have I got now?

Erm, New Guinea and Iceland.

Yeah, OK, you know what? You win.

Do you not want to see it through to the end?

It doesn't end. It never ends.

Do you want to play the Settlers of Catan?

No, I just want to have a bath, get something to eat

-and get ready for school tomorrow.

-It's Saturday tomorrow.

Oh, piss off! Even win the days!

HE CHUCKLES

I wish Gerri would phone.

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-'You have no messages.'

I'd like to meet this Gerri.

Yeah. You'd like her.

Tom and Gerri.

Her last boyfriend was called Ben.

I don't get it.

Ice cream. Never mind. I might get some, actually.

I'm a bit peckish. Do you want anything?

A couple of bottles of red wouldn't go amiss.

Oh, and we're running out of cigarettes.

-Oh, all right, well, I'll see you in a minute.

-OK, thanks Tom.

I really appreciate it.

THE PHONE RINGS

-VOICE MAIL MESSAGE:

-'Hi, this is Tom.

'I can't get to the phone, please leave a message.'

'Hi, Tom. It's Stevie. I'm just checking to see you're OK.

'Jackie said you phoned in sick. Shame you missed the assembly.

'They did you proud.

-'Except saying Tutankhamen. Dylan said Tutan Common.

-(LAUGHS)

'Which got a good laugh. And little Mandy Smith had to

'run out for a wee during Walking on Sunshine.

'Everyone sends their love. I hope you're OK.

'I know it's not been easy. Call me, will you?

'Anyway, I hope to see you Monday. Take care. Bye.

'Aww, he wasn't in...'

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'Play message.'

'Hi Tom. It's Stevie...'

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'Message deleted. You have no messages.'

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Well, look who it is.

D-day Doris finally emerges from the bomb shelter.

Oli's changed the title.

-To what?

-Lucy Land Girl.

Much stronger. Can you close the door, please? It's freezing.

-Is it true?

-What?

-Stevie said that you've resigned from your job?

-Yeah.

It was a waste of time. I found it childish.

You were a primary school teacher.

Well, I was. I'm a writer now. I create things.

Can I open the window, please? It stinks of pumps.

Shoe pumps or bottom pumps?

-Both.

-Look, you can't just turn up here after one week

and start running my life for me.

I told you I'd been rehearsing in Portsmouth all week.

No, you didn't.

Tom, I left you half a dozen messages.

Well, I lost my phone.

That's not my fault, is it?

Look, I spoke to Stevie,

and he said that if you go in and speak to Mr Patterson...

I don't want to speak to Mr Patterson. I don't want to work, OK?

Migg's gone to the dole office to get the signing on forms.

Migg? You mean the tramp.

He's not a tramp.

Yeah, well he's not now, is he? No. He's got himself a nice little flat.

He's using you, Tom.

Aww, are you jealous cos he's nicked your idea?

Ooh, I'm doing pub theatre. I'm doing Lucy Land Girl.

Haven't got much money this week. Can I stay over at yours?

Oh, can I borrow 50 quid?

Nice.

DOOR SLAMS

Fucking hell.

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'You have no messages.'

Sorry, what was that?

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'You have no messages.'

Oh. No post either. They on strike, do you think?

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'You have no messages.'

Waiting for my Giro to come through. I'm running out of money.

Oh, have I got any messages?

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'You have no messages.'

Yeah, thought not.

RATTLING

-It's my birthday today.

-Happy birthday.

-I didn't get a single card.

-Ah.

Grandma normally sends me one recorded delivery

three weeks in advance. Could have done with that tenner.

Maybe it's in the second post.

Everyone's forgotten about me. I've dropped out of society. Pot, 5.

-Have a beer.

-I don't want one.

Well, why don't you do the washing up?

I beg your pardon?

If you're so bored. It's been sitting there for two or three days.

-Who's flat is this?

-I'm only saying.

-Well, don't say.

-29.

-I do do it anyway.

-With respect, Tom, you don't.

Putting it in some warm water

and leaving it does not constitute doing the washing up.

-It has to soak.

-Not for a fortnight.

At some stage you should really take the things out of the mucky,

tea-bag stained water and put them on the draining board to dry.

That way... There's no such word as that.

That way, you don't have to start using your collection of Easter egg

mugs from years back just cos there's no clean cups left.

Well, why don't you do it then?

Or are you still using your little polystyrene tramp cup?

-There's no need for that.

-There's every need.

You stank when you first came in here.

You stank like a dirty bag of wet washing.

How much washing up did you do then, Annette fucking Newman?

Don't judge me, Tom.

You have no right to judge me.

La? What's La?

A note to follow So.

Oh, fuck this!

Aww, thank you, Grandma.

THIS MORNING THEME TUNE PLAYS

DOOR BUZZER RINGS

DOOR BUZZER RINGS

Hello?

-STEVIE:

-'Avon calling. Can you buzz me in?'

DOOR BUZZES

Tom, what is that? Designer stubble?

What do you want, Stevie? It's not a good time.

No, I know it's not. I know it's not.

That's why I come bearing Krispy Kremes,

and you and I is gonna have a chat.

FLIES BUZZING

STEVIE AUDIBLY SHUDDERS

Life of grime.

So, how are you, Tom?

I haven't seen you in weeks. Bearing up?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right...

Not being a nosy parker, (am), but how are you getting on for money?

I, I just don't want to think about it.

Well, a few of us at the school have had a whip around.

Now not everyone took part. Naming no names. Linda Price.

And it was up to me to get you something.

So I thought, what would he rather have?

-Cash, or Body Shop vouchers, so I got you...

-Cash.

-No. Body Shop vouchers.

-Oh.

Well, I'll just leave them there.

-Don't lose them among debris.

-All right.

I'm getting the feeling now you'd rather have had the cash.

No, it's alright.

I'll be fine once my benefits start coming through.

In fact, Migg says I'll probably be better off.

Migg? Who's Migg?

He's just a friend.

Oh, I've never heard of him. Mystic Migg.

What are your plans for tonight?

Uh, nothing.

In that case, why don't you jump in the shower and I'll take us to Wagamama.

We'll have the chicken-katsu-curry and fuck the diet. Me, not you.

-Yeah, no, I...

-It's my treat.

I...I don't want to.

Well, I can see you're busy.

-Promise me you'll phone if you want to chat and that.

-OK. Bye.

And don't forget about those Body Shop vouchers.

They might come in handy.

WATER RUNS

INDISTINCT SPEECH

Migg?

LIGHT BUZZES

Gerri?

'Hi, Mr Farris, this is Brian from Eastway Electricity.

'Just to remind you that as your bill for £126.15 is still outstanding,

'and as you haven't replied to any of our messages,

'we will have to terminate the supply at 1800 hours.'

HE STARTS TO CRY

Shit, what's going on?

HE FLICKS LIGHT SWITCH

Overdone a fuse?

We've been cut off.

Oh, come on, Tom. Have you not paid the bill or something?

-Where's my money, Migg? You said my Giro would come.

-It will come.

Just takes a little bit of time to process.

Maybe I should take over the rent or the lease or something.

-Just till your housing benefit comes through.

-How?

Started a new job today. A new beginning.

What are you doing?

I'm working with kids on an outreach programme.

It's going to be so rewarding. Here.

Take this.

Oh, no. This is too much.

I'd like you to have it. You've done so much for me.

Ah, you're running me a bath? How thoughtful.

Thanks, Tom.

Tom. What are you doing sitting in the dark?

We've been cut off.

I'm so sorry, Gerri. I miss you so much. Everything's going wrong.

You can't carry on like this, Tom.

-I know. Please don't leave me.

-I'm not going anywhere.

-You need to sort your head out. You're just in a slump.

-I know.

Migg says I'll be alright once my benefits start coming through

-and then I can get back to my writing...

-Tom.

And maybe I could write a play for you to be in, and Migg says...

Tom, there is no Migg.

What?

Look around you. There's nobody else here.

-Where are his things?

-I threw them out.

Tom. Migg doesn't exist. It's just you.

You've invented him to cope with what's been happening.

No, I haven't.

Where is he then? Show him to me.

He's in the bathroom.

Migg.

Migg.

See, Tom, you've been depressed for a long, long time.

You just wanted to give yourself an excuse to leave your job,

start drinking, drop out of this life you hated.

-I don't...

-You're not Charles Bukowski.

You're just a primary school teacher who had a nervous breakdown.

I've got to go. I've got to put my hair in a bun for D-Day Doris.

-I thought it was Lucy Land Girl.

-We changed it back.

We'll get through this, Tom. You just have to be strong.

-But Migg...

-No.

Get this Migg out of your head once and for all.

Love you.

Everything all right, Tom?

And instead of saying bombs, barrage, balloons and black-outs,

I came out with bombs, black-out balloons and barrages.

I don't know where it came from. Tim just looked at me.

I could tell he was gonna go.

Well, this is a transformation. You look like a new man.

Well, I've got you to thank for that.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

DOOR BUZZER RINGS

Who's that?

Hello.

'Hi, it's Stevie.'

Come up.

Stevie.

Hello, stranger.

I'm on a Costa run for my builders so I thought I'd just scooch around.

-You're looking well.

-Yeah, well. Feel a lot better, thanks.

That Worzel Gummidge look was doing you no favours.

Now we are all missing you still.

They've got that awful supply teacher in.

You know, the one who can't say her S's.

Thwit up thwaight.

That's the one. We're hoping you might reconsider.

I just...I need a bit more time.

I know you've been through a lot.

I'm being nosey, but it might do you good to get back to work.

-Well, that's what Gerri's been telling me.

-Ah.

Come through anyway. I'll tell her you're here. Gerri.

Gerri! Where's she gone?

Stevie's here.

Tom...

She was just here.

Gerri died, Tom. Remember? In the car accident.

No, no, but I was only just talking to her a second ago.

We all said you came back to work too soon.

I know you loved her very much, but it's time to let her go, Tom.

She saved me. She saved me from Migg.

I'll get your tablet.

Tom!

Oh, my God.

What have you done?

Oh, that's just Migg. He's not real.

Come and have a coffee.

Gerri's just putting the kettle on.