Last Gasp Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language.

Graham?

Graham. What?

How do you turn this on?

It is on. How do you record?

Press the button.

This one? Yeah.

Oh, why's the light on? It's in stand-by.

Oh, right.

Tam-Tam?

Tam-Tam, when I say go,

I want you to explain what day it is and who's coming. OK, love?

Why? Well, so we have a record of it.

You don't want to forget it, do you?

Hang on, let me find the button again. Right.

And...

..go...

Well done, Tam-Tam.

Do you want to watch it back? No, thanks.

All right. I'll watch it later.

I can't bloody do it. Where's the pumper?

What do you mean, you can't do it?

It's these stupid long ones.

Well, stretch it, Graham. Stretch it.

Just get me the pumper!

I told you to do them last night!

DOORBELL RINGS

He's here. Graham, oh, my God!

All right, calm down. He's only flesh and blood.

I know, but in our house! Graham, oh, my God.

His turds are brown, aren't they?

Oh, Graham. Well...

He's here, Tammy!

SHE LAUGHS

Hello. Come in.

She's just through here.

You found us all right, then? Yeah, no problem.

Oh, this is my wife, Jan.

Oh!

Hi. Frankie Parsons.

I know!

She's a big fan of yours. Oh, Graham!

Lovely to meet you. You've got beautiful eyes.

Oh!

You know Sally from the Make A...

Wishmaker UK. We spoke on the phone.

Hi. Gosh, what a lovely house.

Oh, thank you.

So, is this Jasmine through here?

Yes. Tamsin. Tasmin?

Tamsin. Tamsin. Tamsin.

Hello, Tamsin.

Happy Birthday.

So, you're nine today, are you?

Oh, hang on a second. I just want to video this.

Do you mind? No, no, not at all.

I'd like a copy for myself, actually.

I'm excited to meet this brave little girl who

I've heard so much about.

You want me to step out and come back in again?

Oh, yes, please!

JAN LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

Ready? Hey...

There's no need for you to do that.

I'll go and get the pumper.

It's OK. I got it.

Too many cigarettes.

HE PANTS

TAMSIN: Are you OK?

FRANKIE: Almost done. One more push.

Oh...

HE PANTS AND GROANS

TAMSIN: Daddy!

Shit, what's happened? Jan! He fell.

What do you mean, he fell? MAN: Mr Parsons! Mr Parsons!

Get him a drink of water or something. Jan! ..a cold compress, or...

MAN: He's not breathing! Mr...

Here.

Do you take sugar, Sally?

No. Yes, actually. Do you have sweeteners?

In the drawer.

Which?

The one with the hoover bags.

Sorry, I still don't...

I'll get them!

She's upset.

She wanted him to sign her CDs.

We have autographs on file. I can arrange to have one sent.

Oh, thanks!

Would be worth a few bob now, I should think.

Mr Forboise is on his way.

He said don't touch anything until he gets here.

Right. Mr Forboise is Frankie's manager.

Was Frankie's manager.

Here.

They're packet ones, I'm afraid.

She nicked 'em off a train. Graham!

Well, it hardly matters now, does it?

We've got a world-famous dead pop star in our Tamsin's bedroom.

No-one's going to mind about a few stolen Canderels.

TAMSIN SNIFFS

Oh, Tamsin...

Love!

Are you sure we shouldn't call 999?

Mr Forboise said to wait,

said this place would be crawling with pigs if we do that.

You mean police.

No, I'm talking about press, aren't I?

If they find out Mr Parsons died in that way,

they'll be like vultures.

Must be awful doing that job.

You know, you're either a pig or a vulture, aren't you?

You're never a horse or a creature with dignity.

Horrible.

I suppose they'll all want to get the first picture.

Look what they did to Diana.

And Kate.

Yes. Her boobs are out there now.

She can't take 'em back.

We've got to protect Frankie's legacy. Absolutely.

You all right there, Tam-Tam?

Do you want me to take that off you, love?

Can I take the balloon please, Miss?

Oh, let her keep it. The balloon?

What do you want it for?

Well...

I believe that you are in infringement of

Mr Parson's intellectual property rights. What?

It's a comfort to her.

It's only a balloon, for goodness' sake.

One that contains Mr Parsons' breath -

his actual dying breath.

Oh, good Lord. Oh, that's made me go all funny.

Oh, just give it to him, Tamsin.

There you go.

Careful! All right. It's fine.

Tie a knot in it.

BALLOON SPLUTTERS

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I just can't do the... Use two fingers.

I can't do it, can I? No.

Let me do it.

Just be careful, all right?

Got it?

If you'd only used the pumper, none of this would have happened.

Jan! Please!

There. Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's just take a breath, shall we?

Jan, go and get Tamsin's laptop from her room, please.

But Frankie's in there.

Just get it, please.

I need to find out what we're dealing with here.

PHONE RINGS

My boss. Should I answer it?

No. Yeah.

Hi, Nigel.

Oh, gosh, yes. Oh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot.

I've got a little boy with cerebral palsy

who wants to play chess with Noel Edmonds.

Nigel, could you get Sandy to cover for me at all?

I'm just dealing with a situation here.

No, no, no.

It's all going well. You don't have to come.

It's just...

Mr Parsons wants to stay and...

..suck off...

HE MOUTHS

..sing off with Tamsin on the karaoke, yes.

Oh, they're having a ball.

They're doing La Bamba as I speak.

SHE MOUTHS

# La, la, la, la bamba

# La, la, la, tum-ba,

# La, ba, uh, uh # La, la, la, la... #

She's a lucky girl, isn't she?

# La, la, la, la, la bamba... #

What is going on?

Frankie's lying dead next door and you're singing Billy Joel!

Billy Joel? That wasn't Billy Joel!

Who's Billy Joel?

Are you serious?! Who's Billy Joel? I've heard it all now.

Well, whoever it is, I don't think it's appropriate.

Disaster averted. We don't really want

anybody else coming round, do we?

Not until Mr Forboise gets here.

I'm going to give this to you as a neutral, OK?

Yes, fine. Let me just take my ring off.

It's a bit spiky.

There.

That's better, isn't it?

Is this some sort of party game?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Step away from the balloon, miss, all right?

What's going on? Miss, I need you to step away.

Oh, you've all lost your heads.

All right, here we go. Look at this.

Justin Bieber's fringe - $40,000.

Gosh. Elvis Presley's hair - 120,000.

Michael Jackson's glove - 400,000.

What's this got to do with anything?

Jan, we've got a balloon here

containing Frankie Parson's final breath,

his actual dying breath captured and preserved for eternity.

We've even got the video to prove it!

That's sick.

The world's sick, Jan.

Someone paid five and a half grand for Scarlett Johansson's used tissue!

It's like Billy said - we didn't start the fire.

You're going to sell Frankie's last breath?

Well, we don't know what it's worth, do we?

Could be 50 quid or 50,000.

Or more. At Wishmaker UK we get to see the value people attach

to celebrities and it's quite staggering, I tell you.

Something like this could make a lot of children's wishes come true.

Yeah, but this is Tamsin's wish,

isn't it, Tam-Tam?

That wish belongs to us.

What about Bermuda Love Triangle?

It's a bit...

..rocky, given the circumstances.

Yeah, suppose we want something more sombre, don't we?

But not maudlin. He was never maudlin.

How about Feel You Up, Feel You Down?

Was that the one where he tried to rap? Yeah.

I don't like it, Sally. He uses language.

Oh, yes. Shit, I'd forgotten, sorry.

Oh... Sorry.

Frankie was best when he was just...classic.

Do you know what I mean? Mmm.

Timeless.

My favourite was One Day In Your Life.

Oh, yes.

That's the one. One Day In Your Life.

Were you actually a fan of his before you started to work for him?

No. I prefer hip hop, gangsta rap, that sort of thing.

Oh.

I once met Jazzy Jay in a lift.

Right.

GENTLE VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

# One day in your life

# You'll remember a place

# Someone touching your face

# You'll come back

# And you'll look around you

# One day in your life

# You'll remember... #

MUSIC STOPS

GRAHAM: I've got some numbers for you.

I spoke to a man at Christie's and got a ballpark

figure for the last breaths of Nelson Mandela and Robbie Williams.

I figured that Frankie was somewhere in between.

These are hypothetical last breaths.

Yeah, yeah, hypothetical ones, obviously.

Ah, do you need a wee-wee, Tam-Tam? Go with her, Jan.

I don't need a wee.

Come on, sweetheart.

Your dad wants to talk some business.

So I said, "Imagine you're at Nelson Mandela's deathbed

"with a jam jar."

A jam jar?

Yeah, well, I was improvising, wasn't I?

Well, that's one birthday we won't forget in a hurry, isn't it?

How many birthdays do I have left?

We don't know, darling.

Lots and lots, we hope.

I liked Frankie. He was nice.

Frankie J Parsons at our house.

That was going to be my moment.

Now it's gone.

SALLY LAUGHS

Is it my fault?

Darling, no, why would it be your fault?

I wanted him to blow up the balloon.

Well, you weren't to know.

Will his soul go to heaven?

Yes.

Yes, it will.

So, how are we going to do this?

Well, as a neutral, I'd say the only fair way is equal shares.

Yeah, absolutely.

Third for you, third for me, third for the family.

That sounds about right.

Hang on a minute, what do you mean "a third for the family"?

That's a lot of money. Yeah, but there's three of us.

So what are you saying?

Well, you should split it in fifths. Me, Jan, Tamsin, you and Sally.

A fifth. I worked for him all those years on shitty wages

and all I get is a fifth?

But that's equal shares, isn't it? It's five people.

How about we compromise and say quarters?

Quarters?

Yeah. 25% each. So who loses out?

Nobody. You and your wife get half,

and we split the other half between us.

Yeah, and what about Tamsin?

She's underage. So? She's just a kid.

She shouldn't get that much money. She's earned it.

What, by making him blow into a balloon and giving him an aneurysm?

Mr Vickers, with respect,

if we give Tamsin an equal fifth, well,

that's going to revert back to you pretty quickly, isn't it?

What?

I mean, without being emotional,

when the inevitable happens, you and your wife are going to be

sitting on three fifths between the two of you

and Simon and I don't think that's particularly fair, do we?

Mm-mm.

Now, just a minute... Put it down. Put it down!

This balloon actually belongs to us.

We paid for it. Jan'll have the receipt somewhere,

so you two can just fuck off!

I beg your pardon?

You heard me. Fuck off!

This is my house, my party and my balloon!

You invited us here, Mr Vickers.

Mr Parsons gave up time from his busy schedule...

I don't give a shit!

He's dead now and I want him and you out of my house!

We'll go, just as soon as you give us what's rightfully ours.

What's rightfully OURS, you mean. Pack of 12, ?1.99?

What's inside it isn't yours, is it?

You own the skin but you don't own the air.

That's right.

Nobody owns the air.

All right.

All right. Well, if you want the air,

you can have it... Whoa! This is what you want! Stop, stop!

Isn't it?! Is this what you want?! Put it down... Is it?!

Stop it!

Get down off the sofa, Graham.

Give the balloon to Tamsin.

It's her birthday. It belongs to her.

She's neutral. I thought I was neutral.

Not any more, you're not.

You went from Switzerland to Nazi Germany in one fell goose step.

Here.

Be very, very careful with it, Tam-Tam.

You know you wanted to go Disney?

The proper one, not the froggy one?

Well, imagine this is your ticket in.

Yeah, your golden ticket.

Don't make promises you can't keep, Graham.

She's been through enough.

Trust me.

Now let's sit down, have a spot of lunch,

and we'll talk about this like adults.

Must be very rewarding, your job.

Yes, yes, I suppose it is.

When you see a little boy's face light up

because John Terry's brought him a signed England shirt,

well, you can't put a price on that.

But you can put a price on a pop star's last ever breath?

It's just a guesstimate.

Something to put in the budget. You know?

What's the best dream you've ever made come true?

Mm, I'm often asked that.

I'd have to say - and it sounds silly, really -

but there was a little girl with...

I think...Hodgkin's disease.

I don't get involved with the illness side.

And her dream was to be a postman.

That's all. Not give a letter to the Queen, or meet Postman Pat.

Just be a postman.

Nigel shunted it my way. Zero press interest there, of course.

But when we gave her that letter

and told her to put it through the letter box,

the little giggle after it landed.

Said it meant the whole world to her.

Then she dropped down dead right there on the doorstep.

Press went mad for it.

So, up yours, Nigel.

That was my favourite one.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Mr Forboise said he'll be here in 20 minutes

with the coroner and ambulance crew.

OK. They'll be incognito, so they don't raise any alarm.

Said he wanted to do this with dignity. Absolutely.

You didn't tell him about... Oh, no, no, no.

I'll just claim ignorance. Yeah, probably best.

Was he a good boss? Who? Mr Parsons?

Bit of a dick, to be honest. Yeah?

I mean, he knew how to work it and all that,

but I don't think he was a happy man.

You should have heard the way he was bitching about having to come here.

No? "I shouldn't have to be around these sick kids.

"They make me depressed."

Oh, how disappointing!

Don't say anything to Jan, will you? She'd be mortified.

No, no, no, of course not.

You see, that's the trouble with being famous, isn't it?

Your life's not your own any more.

For real.

BANG

What the...

Oh, thank God.

Was just a car backfiring.

I'm not being funny, but we should put

the item upstairs, out of the way.

This place will be crawling with quacks

in a few minutes. Anything can happen.

Yeah. And are the quacks linked to the pigs, or...?

I'll put it in the spare room.

As long as it's safe, yeah? It will be.

Come on, Tam-Tam, give it to Daddy.

Good girl.

Let go, sweetheart.

Daddy needs this. Come on.

Good girl.

Let go.

I'm coming with you.

Let's put some music on, Tam.

Cheer you up a bit.

# Keeping my eyes on the road

# I see you

# Ah-ah-ah

# Keeping my hands on the wheel

# I hold you

# Ah-ah-ah

# 99 miles from LA

# I kiss you

# I miss you

# Please be there

# Passing a white sandy beach

# We're sailing... #

Be about seven or eight minutes.

Cool.

Thanks, man.

You all right, Tam-Tam?

Do her another balloon, Graham. She misses it.

How can she miss it? It's only a...

What colour do you want, darling?

There's white, yellow, purple...

How many more purple ones? Two.

You know, if we could sell the first one to a private bidder,

no public auction, confidentiality clause.

We've got the video evidence.

Add a bit of Frankie's DNA.

Do it.

Isn't that cheating? Doesn't matter.

A thing is only worth what someone's willing to pay for it.

Careful, Graham. You'll do yourself an injury...

Well, go and get the bloody pumper, then!

We don't know where it is!

Just give me that.

Oh, God, I'm feeling all light-headed.

Stretch it first. I'm seeing stars.

I found the pumper. It was in the...

Aaargh!

# Lover, come back to me

# Take, it boys

# Come back to, come back to me... #

BALLOON DEFLATES

Is Frankie better now?

Jan, take Tamsin to the toilet, please.

I don't want to go. Just do it.

Come on, sweetheart. No!

Mummy will change your bag for you. No! I don't want to!

Is he...

He's alive. Good.

Well, that's fantastic, isn't it?

Yes. It's a very faint pulse.

Well, we just have to cross our fingers and hope for the best.

Right.

What is the best?

How long till the ambulance crew get here?

Five minutes. OK.

OK, I mean, it's still going to be worth something.

Someone bought Justin Timberlake's toast crumbs for, like, three grand.

I mean, it's not like it's been a total waste of time.

Pick a hand. What?

Pick a hand! We've got to do this quickly!

Do what? What are we talking about here?

Just pick one, for fuck's sake.

It's your job, man.

What, my job? No, I found the coin. I won!

Coin loses. Says who?

Just flip it. Heads or tails.

Hang on a minute. How come this is just a two man thing?

Do you want the money or not? Yes, but... Call it then.

She knocked herself out blowing up a balloon, never mind that.

To be fair, so did he. Call it.

No, I'm not prepared to play God in this way.

The man's a huge star! He brings pleasure to millions of people!

Not like that, he doesn't. How do you know?

He had a brain aneurysm. He's a vegetable.

He'll spend the rest of his life bed-bound,

eating through a straw and shitting into a bucket.

What kind of life is that? No offence. No offence?

That's one of the most offensive things I've ever heard in my life!

Look, I spend my whole life making other people's dreams come true.

Standing by and smiling while they fly off in a helicopter with

a candyfloss in one hand and a D-lister in the other.

Why can't it be my turn?

What about my needs? My wishes?

The man's alive.

Not for much longer. Now, call it.

No, I can't. Call it.

Heads!

Heads.

You win. Fuck!

Get me a cushion.

I can't be here for this.

I can't witness this!

Oh, God.

Here.

Get his DNA on these.

We might be able to do something with them at a later date.

Right. I'll go and have a little chat with Tam-Tam.

Tell her the bad news.

Right. I'm going with Mr Forboise.

Pigs will be onto this within the hour, so be ready, yeah?

Sit tight and I'll be in touch.

Nice to meet you.

Well, the press are going to have a field day with this.

We should have another look at that camcorder footage, actually.

If we cut it into 30 second segments, we might be able to send

a chunk to each of the networks.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Our Jan did most of the filming, remember?

Oh, Tamsin!

There's three bits...

Tam-Tam? Tamsin!

Tamsin!

Tamsin, where are you, darling?!

Tam-Tam?

Graham, where's Tamsin? I can't find her. Eh?

She's there, look.

Tamsin!

Tamsin? What you doing?

Tamsin! No!

Shit. Film it, film it!

It's all we've got.

GENTLE VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

# One day in your life

# You'll remember a place

# Someone touching your face

# You'll come back

# And you'll look around you

# One day in your life # Ah-ah-ah

# You'll remember

# The love you found here... #