Last Gasp Inside No. 9


Last Gasp

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Graham?

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Graham. What?

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How do you turn this on?

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It is on. How do you record?

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Press the button.

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This one? Yeah.

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Oh, why's the light on? It's in stand-by.

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Oh, right.

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Tam-Tam?

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Tam-Tam, when I say go,

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I want you to explain what day it is and who's coming. OK, love?

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Why? Well, so we have a record of it.

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You don't want to forget it, do you?

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Hang on, let me find the button again. Right.

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And...

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..go...

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Well done, Tam-Tam.

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Do you want to watch it back? No, thanks.

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All right. I'll watch it later.

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I can't bloody do it. Where's the pumper?

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What do you mean, you can't do it?

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It's these stupid long ones.

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Well, stretch it, Graham. Stretch it.

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Just get me the pumper!

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I told you to do them last night!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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He's here. Graham, oh, my God!

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All right, calm down. He's only flesh and blood.

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I know, but in our house! Graham, oh, my God.

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His turds are brown, aren't they?

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Oh, Graham. Well...

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He's here, Tammy!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Hello. Come in.

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She's just through here.

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You found us all right, then? Yeah, no problem.

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Oh, this is my wife, Jan.

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Oh!

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Hi. Frankie Parsons.

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I know!

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She's a big fan of yours. Oh, Graham!

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Lovely to meet you. You've got beautiful eyes.

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Oh!

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You know Sally from the Make A...

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Wishmaker UK. We spoke on the phone.

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Hi. Gosh, what a lovely house.

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Oh, thank you.

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So, is this Jasmine through here?

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Yes. Tamsin. Tasmin?

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Tamsin. Tamsin. Tamsin.

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Hello, Tamsin.

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Happy Birthday.

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So, you're nine today, are you?

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Oh, hang on a second. I just want to video this.

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Do you mind? No, no, not at all.

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I'd like a copy for myself, actually.

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I'm excited to meet this brave little girl who

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I've heard so much about.

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You want me to step out and come back in again?

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Oh, yes, please!

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JAN LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

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Ready? Hey...

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There's no need for you to do that.

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I'll go and get the pumper.

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It's OK. I got it.

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Too many cigarettes.

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HE PANTS

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TAMSIN: Are you OK?

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FRANKIE: Almost done. One more push.

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Oh...

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HE PANTS AND GROANS

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TAMSIN: Daddy!

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Shit, what's happened? Jan! He fell.

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What do you mean, he fell? MAN: Mr Parsons! Mr Parsons!

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Get him a drink of water or something. Jan! ..a cold compress, or...

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MAN: He's not breathing! Mr...

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Here.

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Do you take sugar, Sally?

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No. Yes, actually. Do you have sweeteners?

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In the drawer.

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Which?

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The one with the hoover bags.

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Sorry, I still don't...

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I'll get them!

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She's upset.

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She wanted him to sign her CDs.

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We have autographs on file. I can arrange to have one sent.

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Oh, thanks!

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Would be worth a few bob now, I should think.

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Mr Forboise is on his way.

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He said don't touch anything until he gets here.

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Right. Mr Forboise is Frankie's manager.

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Was Frankie's manager.

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Here.

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They're packet ones, I'm afraid.

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She nicked 'em off a train. Graham!

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Well, it hardly matters now, does it?

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We've got a world-famous dead pop star in our Tamsin's bedroom.

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No-one's going to mind about a few stolen Canderels.

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TAMSIN SNIFFS

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Oh, Tamsin...

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Love!

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Are you sure we shouldn't call 999?

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Mr Forboise said to wait,

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said this place would be crawling with pigs if we do that.

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You mean police.

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No, I'm talking about press, aren't I?

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If they find out Mr Parsons died in that way,

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they'll be like vultures.

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Must be awful doing that job.

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You know, you're either a pig or a vulture, aren't you?

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You're never a horse or a creature with dignity.

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Horrible.

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I suppose they'll all want to get the first picture.

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Look what they did to Diana.

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And Kate.

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Yes. Her boobs are out there now.

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She can't take 'em back.

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We've got to protect Frankie's legacy. Absolutely.

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You all right there, Tam-Tam?

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Do you want me to take that off you, love?

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Can I take the balloon please, Miss?

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Oh, let her keep it. The balloon?

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What do you want it for?

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Well...

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I believe that you are in infringement of

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Mr Parson's intellectual property rights. What?

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It's a comfort to her.

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It's only a balloon, for goodness' sake.

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One that contains Mr Parsons' breath -

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his actual dying breath.

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Oh, good Lord. Oh, that's made me go all funny.

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Oh, just give it to him, Tamsin.

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There you go.

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Careful! All right. It's fine.

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Tie a knot in it.

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BALLOON SPLUTTERS

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Whoa, whoa, whoa!

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I just can't do the... Use two fingers.

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I can't do it, can I? No.

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Let me do it.

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Just be careful, all right?

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Got it?

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If you'd only used the pumper, none of this would have happened.

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Jan! Please!

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There. Thank you.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Let's just take a breath, shall we?

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Jan, go and get Tamsin's laptop from her room, please.

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But Frankie's in there.

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Just get it, please.

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I need to find out what we're dealing with here.

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PHONE RINGS

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My boss. Should I answer it?

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No. Yeah.

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Hi, Nigel.

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Oh, gosh, yes. Oh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot.

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I've got a little boy with cerebral palsy

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who wants to play chess with Noel Edmonds.

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Nigel, could you get Sandy to cover for me at all?

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I'm just dealing with a situation here.

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No, no, no.

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It's all going well. You don't have to come.

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It's just...

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Mr Parsons wants to stay and...

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..suck off...

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HE MOUTHS

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..sing off with Tamsin on the karaoke, yes.

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Oh, they're having a ball.

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They're doing La Bamba as I speak.

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SHE MOUTHS

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# La, la, la, la bamba

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# La, la, la, tum-ba,

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# La, ba, uh, uh # La, la, la, la... #

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She's a lucky girl, isn't she?

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# La, la, la, la, la bamba... #

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What is going on?

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Frankie's lying dead next door and you're singing Billy Joel!

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Billy Joel? That wasn't Billy Joel!

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Who's Billy Joel?

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Are you serious?! Who's Billy Joel? I've heard it all now.

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Well, whoever it is, I don't think it's appropriate.

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Disaster averted. We don't really want

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anybody else coming round, do we?

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Not until Mr Forboise gets here.

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I'm going to give this to you as a neutral, OK?

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Yes, fine. Let me just take my ring off.

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It's a bit spiky.

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There.

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That's better, isn't it?

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Is this some sort of party game?

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Step away from the balloon, miss, all right?

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What's going on? Miss, I need you to step away.

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Oh, you've all lost your heads.

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All right, here we go. Look at this.

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Justin Bieber's fringe - $40,000.

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Gosh. Elvis Presley's hair - 120,000.

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Michael Jackson's glove - 400,000.

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What's this got to do with anything?

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Jan, we've got a balloon here

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containing Frankie Parson's final breath,

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his actual dying breath captured and preserved for eternity.

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We've even got the video to prove it!

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That's sick.

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The world's sick, Jan.

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Someone paid five and a half grand for Scarlett Johansson's used tissue!

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It's like Billy said - we didn't start the fire.

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You're going to sell Frankie's last breath?

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Well, we don't know what it's worth, do we?

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Could be 50 quid or 50,000.

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Or more. At Wishmaker UK we get to see the value people attach

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to celebrities and it's quite staggering, I tell you.

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Something like this could make a lot of children's wishes come true.

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Yeah, but this is Tamsin's wish,

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isn't it, Tam-Tam?

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That wish belongs to us.

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What about Bermuda Love Triangle?

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It's a bit...

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..rocky, given the circumstances.

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Yeah, suppose we want something more sombre, don't we?

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But not maudlin. He was never maudlin.

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How about Feel You Up, Feel You Down?

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Was that the one where he tried to rap? Yeah.

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I don't like it, Sally. He uses language.

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Oh, yes. Shit, I'd forgotten, sorry.

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Oh... Sorry.

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Frankie was best when he was just...classic.

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Do you know what I mean? Mmm.

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Timeless.

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My favourite was One Day In Your Life.

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Oh, yes.

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That's the one. One Day In Your Life.

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Were you actually a fan of his before you started to work for him?

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No. I prefer hip hop, gangsta rap, that sort of thing.

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Oh.

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I once met Jazzy Jay in a lift.

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Right.

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GENTLE VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

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# One day in your life

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# You'll remember a place

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# Someone touching your face

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# You'll come back

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# And you'll look around you

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# One day in your life

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# You'll remember... #

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MUSIC STOPS

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GRAHAM: I've got some numbers for you.

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I spoke to a man at Christie's and got a ballpark

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figure for the last breaths of Nelson Mandela and Robbie Williams.

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I figured that Frankie was somewhere in between.

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These are hypothetical last breaths.

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Yeah, yeah, hypothetical ones, obviously.

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Ah, do you need a wee-wee, Tam-Tam? Go with her, Jan.

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I don't need a wee.

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Come on, sweetheart.

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Your dad wants to talk some business.

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So I said, "Imagine you're at Nelson Mandela's deathbed

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"with a jam jar."

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A jam jar?

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Yeah, well, I was improvising, wasn't I?

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Well, that's one birthday we won't forget in a hurry, isn't it?

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How many birthdays do I have left?

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We don't know, darling.

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Lots and lots, we hope.

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I liked Frankie. He was nice.

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Frankie J Parsons at our house.

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That was going to be my moment.

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Now it's gone.

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SALLY LAUGHS

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Is it my fault?

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Darling, no, why would it be your fault?

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I wanted him to blow up the balloon.

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Well, you weren't to know.

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Will his soul go to heaven?

0:14:120:14:13

Yes.

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Yes, it will.

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So, how are we going to do this?

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Well, as a neutral, I'd say the only fair way is equal shares.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Third for you, third for me, third for the family.

0:14:330:14:35

That sounds about right.

0:14:350:14:36

Hang on a minute, what do you mean "a third for the family"?

0:14:360:14:39

That's a lot of money. Yeah, but there's three of us.

0:14:390:14:42

So what are you saying?

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Well, you should split it in fifths. Me, Jan, Tamsin, you and Sally.

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A fifth. I worked for him all those years on shitty wages

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and all I get is a fifth?

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But that's equal shares, isn't it? It's five people.

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How about we compromise and say quarters?

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Quarters?

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Yeah. 25% each. So who loses out?

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Nobody. You and your wife get half,

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and we split the other half between us.

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Yeah, and what about Tamsin?

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She's underage. So? She's just a kid.

0:15:050:15:07

She shouldn't get that much money. She's earned it.

0:15:070:15:09

What, by making him blow into a balloon and giving him an aneurysm?

0:15:090:15:13

Mr Vickers, with respect,

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if we give Tamsin an equal fifth, well,

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that's going to revert back to you pretty quickly, isn't it?

0:15:180:15:21

What?

0:15:210:15:23

I mean, without being emotional,

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when the inevitable happens, you and your wife are going to be

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sitting on three fifths between the two of you

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and Simon and I don't think that's particularly fair, do we?

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Mm-mm.

0:15:350:15:36

Now, just a minute... Put it down. Put it down!

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This balloon actually belongs to us.

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We paid for it. Jan'll have the receipt somewhere,

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so you two can just fuck off!

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I beg your pardon?

0:15:450:15:47

You heard me. Fuck off!

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This is my house, my party and my balloon!

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You invited us here, Mr Vickers.

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Mr Parsons gave up time from his busy schedule...

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I don't give a shit!

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He's dead now and I want him and you out of my house!

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We'll go, just as soon as you give us what's rightfully ours.

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What's rightfully OURS, you mean. Pack of 12, ?1.99?

0:16:020:16:05

What's inside it isn't yours, is it?

0:16:050:16:08

You own the skin but you don't own the air.

0:16:080:16:11

That's right.

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Nobody owns the air.

0:16:120:16:14

All right.

0:16:160:16:19

All right. Well, if you want the air,

0:16:190:16:20

you can have it... Whoa! This is what you want! Stop, stop!

0:16:200:16:23

Isn't it?! Is this what you want?! Put it down... Is it?!

0:16:230:16:26

Stop it!

0:16:260:16:28

Get down off the sofa, Graham.

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Give the balloon to Tamsin.

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It's her birthday. It belongs to her.

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She's neutral. I thought I was neutral.

0:16:480:16:51

Not any more, you're not.

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You went from Switzerland to Nazi Germany in one fell goose step.

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Here.

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Be very, very careful with it, Tam-Tam.

0:17:010:17:04

You know you wanted to go Disney?

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The proper one, not the froggy one?

0:17:070:17:09

Well, imagine this is your ticket in.

0:17:090:17:13

Yeah, your golden ticket.

0:17:130:17:16

Don't make promises you can't keep, Graham.

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She's been through enough.

0:17:190:17:22

Trust me.

0:17:220:17:24

Now let's sit down, have a spot of lunch,

0:17:260:17:30

and we'll talk about this like adults.

0:17:300:17:32

Must be very rewarding, your job.

0:17:370:17:41

Yes, yes, I suppose it is.

0:17:410:17:43

When you see a little boy's face light up

0:17:430:17:45

because John Terry's brought him a signed England shirt,

0:17:450:17:48

well, you can't put a price on that.

0:17:480:17:50

But you can put a price on a pop star's last ever breath?

0:17:510:17:55

It's just a guesstimate.

0:17:550:17:57

Something to put in the budget. You know?

0:17:570:17:59

What's the best dream you've ever made come true?

0:18:050:18:09

Mm, I'm often asked that.

0:18:090:18:11

I'd have to say - and it sounds silly, really -

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but there was a little girl with...

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I think...Hodgkin's disease.

0:18:170:18:21

I don't get involved with the illness side.

0:18:210:18:23

And her dream was to be a postman.

0:18:230:18:26

That's all. Not give a letter to the Queen, or meet Postman Pat.

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Just be a postman.

0:18:300:18:32

Nigel shunted it my way. Zero press interest there, of course.

0:18:320:18:36

But when we gave her that letter

0:18:360:18:38

and told her to put it through the letter box,

0:18:380:18:41

the little giggle after it landed.

0:18:410:18:44

Said it meant the whole world to her.

0:18:460:18:48

Then she dropped down dead right there on the doorstep.

0:18:500:18:52

Press went mad for it.

0:18:520:18:54

So, up yours, Nigel.

0:18:540:18:56

That was my favourite one.

0:18:570:18:59

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

0:19:050:19:07

Mr Forboise said he'll be here in 20 minutes

0:19:070:19:09

with the coroner and ambulance crew.

0:19:090:19:11

OK. They'll be incognito, so they don't raise any alarm.

0:19:110:19:15

Said he wanted to do this with dignity. Absolutely.

0:19:150:19:18

You didn't tell him about... Oh, no, no, no.

0:19:200:19:23

I'll just claim ignorance. Yeah, probably best.

0:19:230:19:25

Was he a good boss? Who? Mr Parsons?

0:19:300:19:33

Bit of a dick, to be honest. Yeah?

0:19:350:19:36

I mean, he knew how to work it and all that,

0:19:360:19:38

but I don't think he was a happy man.

0:19:380:19:40

You should have heard the way he was bitching about having to come here.

0:19:400:19:44

No? "I shouldn't have to be around these sick kids.

0:19:440:19:46

"They make me depressed."

0:19:460:19:48

Oh, how disappointing!

0:19:480:19:50

Don't say anything to Jan, will you? She'd be mortified.

0:19:500:19:52

No, no, no, of course not.

0:19:520:19:54

You see, that's the trouble with being famous, isn't it?

0:19:540:19:57

Your life's not your own any more.

0:19:570:20:00

For real.

0:20:000:20:01

BANG

0:20:010:20:02

What the...

0:20:020:20:03

Oh, thank God.

0:20:050:20:06

Was just a car backfiring.

0:20:070:20:08

I'm not being funny, but we should put

0:20:080:20:10

the item upstairs, out of the way.

0:20:100:20:12

This place will be crawling with quacks

0:20:120:20:13

in a few minutes. Anything can happen.

0:20:130:20:15

Yeah. And are the quacks linked to the pigs, or...?

0:20:150:20:18

I'll put it in the spare room.

0:20:180:20:20

As long as it's safe, yeah? It will be.

0:20:200:20:22

Come on, Tam-Tam, give it to Daddy.

0:20:220:20:25

Good girl.

0:20:250:20:26

Let go, sweetheart.

0:20:270:20:30

Daddy needs this. Come on.

0:20:300:20:33

Good girl.

0:20:330:20:34

Let go.

0:20:360:20:37

I'm coming with you.

0:20:450:20:46

Let's put some music on, Tam.

0:20:490:20:51

Cheer you up a bit.

0:20:510:20:52

# Keeping my eyes on the road

0:20:540:20:58

# I see you

0:20:580:21:01

# Ah-ah-ah

0:21:010:21:03

# Keeping my hands on the wheel

0:21:030:21:07

# I hold you

0:21:070:21:10

# Ah-ah-ah

0:21:100:21:12

# 99 miles from LA

0:21:120:21:16

# I kiss you

0:21:160:21:18

# I miss you

0:21:180:21:20

# Please be there

0:21:200:21:24

# Passing a white sandy beach

0:21:260:21:30

# We're sailing... #

0:21:300:21:33

Be about seven or eight minutes.

0:21:430:21:45

Cool.

0:21:450:21:46

Thanks, man.

0:21:480:21:50

You all right, Tam-Tam?

0:21:550:21:56

Do her another balloon, Graham. She misses it.

0:21:590:22:02

How can she miss it? It's only a...

0:22:020:22:04

What colour do you want, darling?

0:22:080:22:10

There's white, yellow, purple...

0:22:100:22:12

How many more purple ones? Two.

0:22:140:22:16

You know, if we could sell the first one to a private bidder,

0:22:180:22:21

no public auction, confidentiality clause.

0:22:210:22:23

We've got the video evidence.

0:22:230:22:25

Add a bit of Frankie's DNA.

0:22:250:22:27

Do it.

0:22:280:22:30

Isn't that cheating? Doesn't matter.

0:22:300:22:32

A thing is only worth what someone's willing to pay for it.

0:22:320:22:36

Careful, Graham. You'll do yourself an injury...

0:22:360:22:39

Well, go and get the bloody pumper, then!

0:22:390:22:41

We don't know where it is!

0:22:410:22:43

Just give me that.

0:22:430:22:45

Oh, God, I'm feeling all light-headed.

0:22:450:22:48

Stretch it first. I'm seeing stars.

0:22:480:22:50

I found the pumper. It was in the...

0:22:520:22:53

Aaargh!

0:22:530:22:55

# Lover, come back to me

0:22:550:22:57

# Take, it boys

0:22:570:22:59

# Come back to, come back to me... #

0:22:590:23:01

BALLOON DEFLATES

0:23:060:23:07

Is Frankie better now?

0:23:070:23:09

Jan, take Tamsin to the toilet, please.

0:23:090:23:11

I don't want to go. Just do it.

0:23:110:23:13

Come on, sweetheart. No!

0:23:150:23:17

Mummy will change your bag for you. No! I don't want to!

0:23:180:23:21

Is he...

0:23:370:23:39

He's alive. Good.

0:23:390:23:42

Well, that's fantastic, isn't it?

0:23:420:23:44

Yes. It's a very faint pulse.

0:23:440:23:47

Well, we just have to cross our fingers and hope for the best.

0:23:470:23:51

Right.

0:23:510:23:52

What is the best?

0:23:520:23:54

How long till the ambulance crew get here?

0:23:540:23:57

Five minutes. OK.

0:23:570:23:58

OK, I mean, it's still going to be worth something.

0:24:000:24:02

Someone bought Justin Timberlake's toast crumbs for, like, three grand.

0:24:020:24:06

I mean, it's not like it's been a total waste of time.

0:24:060:24:08

Pick a hand. What?

0:24:080:24:10

Pick a hand! We've got to do this quickly!

0:24:100:24:12

Do what? What are we talking about here?

0:24:120:24:13

Just pick one, for fuck's sake.

0:24:130:24:16

It's your job, man.

0:24:160:24:17

What, my job? No, I found the coin. I won!

0:24:170:24:20

Coin loses. Says who?

0:24:200:24:22

Just flip it. Heads or tails.

0:24:220:24:23

Hang on a minute. How come this is just a two man thing?

0:24:230:24:26

Do you want the money or not? Yes, but... Call it then.

0:24:260:24:28

She knocked herself out blowing up a balloon, never mind that.

0:24:280:24:30

To be fair, so did he. Call it.

0:24:300:24:32

No, I'm not prepared to play God in this way.

0:24:320:24:35

The man's a huge star! He brings pleasure to millions of people!

0:24:350:24:38

Not like that, he doesn't. How do you know?

0:24:380:24:40

He had a brain aneurysm. He's a vegetable.

0:24:400:24:41

He'll spend the rest of his life bed-bound,

0:24:410:24:43

eating through a straw and shitting into a bucket.

0:24:430:24:46

What kind of life is that? No offence. No offence?

0:24:460:24:48

That's one of the most offensive things I've ever heard in my life!

0:24:480:24:51

Look, I spend my whole life making other people's dreams come true.

0:24:510:24:54

Standing by and smiling while they fly off in a helicopter with

0:24:540:24:57

a candyfloss in one hand and a D-lister in the other.

0:24:570:25:00

Why can't it be my turn?

0:25:000:25:02

What about my needs? My wishes?

0:25:020:25:04

The man's alive.

0:25:040:25:06

Not for much longer. Now, call it.

0:25:060:25:09

No, I can't. Call it.

0:25:120:25:14

Heads!

0:25:140:25:15

Heads.

0:25:170:25:19

You win. Fuck!

0:25:190:25:22

Get me a cushion.

0:25:220:25:23

I can't be here for this.

0:25:320:25:35

I can't witness this!

0:25:350:25:36

Oh, God.

0:25:410:25:43

Here.

0:25:440:25:45

Get his DNA on these.

0:25:450:25:47

We might be able to do something with them at a later date.

0:25:470:25:50

Right. I'll go and have a little chat with Tam-Tam.

0:25:580:26:01

Tell her the bad news.

0:26:020:26:05

Right. I'm going with Mr Forboise.

0:26:300:26:33

Pigs will be onto this within the hour, so be ready, yeah?

0:26:330:26:36

Sit tight and I'll be in touch.

0:26:360:26:38

Nice to meet you.

0:26:420:26:44

Well, the press are going to have a field day with this.

0:26:450:26:49

We should have another look at that camcorder footage, actually.

0:26:490:26:52

If we cut it into 30 second segments, we might be able to send

0:26:520:26:55

a chunk to each of the networks.

0:26:550:26:57

I wouldn't bet on it.

0:26:570:26:58

Our Jan did most of the filming, remember?

0:26:580:27:00

Oh, Tamsin!

0:27:020:27:04

There's three bits...

0:27:040:27:05

Tam-Tam? Tamsin!

0:27:080:27:10

Tamsin!

0:27:120:27:13

Tamsin, where are you, darling?!

0:27:160:27:18

Tam-Tam?

0:27:210:27:23

Graham, where's Tamsin? I can't find her. Eh?

0:27:240:27:29

She's there, look.

0:27:290:27:31

Tamsin!

0:27:310:27:33

Tamsin? What you doing?

0:27:340:27:37

Tamsin! No!

0:27:370:27:39

Shit. Film it, film it!

0:27:390:27:41

It's all we've got.

0:27:410:27:43

GENTLE VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:440:27:47

# One day in your life

0:27:560:27:59

# You'll remember a place

0:27:590:28:04

# Someone touching your face

0:28:040:28:10

# You'll come back

0:28:100:28:13

# And you'll look around you

0:28:130:28:18

# One day in your life # Ah-ah-ah

0:28:180:28:23

# You'll remember

0:28:230:28:25

# The love you found here... #

0:28:250:28:30

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