The Understudy Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

MAN: This and what needful else that calls upon us.

By the grace of grace we will perform in measure, time and place.

So, thanks to all at once, and to each one.

Whom we invite to see us crowned at Scone.

APPLAUSE

I'll bring that book in for you.

Yeah!

Arsehole.

That bloody speech gets longer and longer every night, yet I'm

lying there with that belt buckle sticking in me

and he's just droning on.

I mean, I'm dead, the play's over, isn't it?

-Who gives a toss about Malcolm? Ow!

-Sorry.

I'll take them back to wardrobe to get them stretched out for you.

That would be good, because I did ask

for that three weeks ago, didn't I?

-Sorry, Tony.

-You see?

That's four minutes added on to the second half

just cos the casting director of the Donmar's in.

-INTERCOM:

-'Visitors at stage door for Mr Horner. Thank you.'

Shit! What are people like? I've just done three hours of Shakespeare,

now I've got to give another performance in here.

-Do you want me to get them?

-Yeah, I suppose so.

But after five minutes, remind me

-I've got something on tomorrow morning.

-What?

I don't know, voice-over or something. Use your imagination.

-Just don't want to get stuck with them.

-OK.

Phwoar.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, Kirstie.

-Hey, Tony!

-Hi, Jim.

-Well done for tonight. Good audience, I thought.

-Were they?

There was a lot of reading of programmes from what I could see.

"Oh, look, Malcolm was in Doc Martin." So what?!

Look up, people, this is theatre, it's happening now, in front of you!

They seemed to really enjoy it.

It's Shakespeare, Jim, they're not meant to enjoy it.

So, how are you getting along with the lines?

Good. It's really useful watching you every night.

Helps it all sink in. We've actually got an understudy run

on Friday, if you wanted to come.

I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure I've got a voice-over on Friday.

-What time is it?

-Two o'clock.

-Yep, that's when it is. Exactly then.

-Damn!

-Well, not to worry.

Who have you got coming round? Is it the woman from the Donmar?

No, they won't see me for the Donmar.

Not their type of actor, apparently. No, this is my neighbours,

Bill and Jean. I don't know why they've come, to be honest.

I've got absolutely nothing to say to either one of the...

Bill! Jean! Ah-ha-ha! Lovely to see you!

-Thanks so much for coming.

-No, no, no, we enjoyed it, didn't we, Jean?

Oh, yes. "When shall we three meet again?"

I still don't know how you learn all those lines!

Oh, well, it's just my job.

I probably couldn't do what you do.

-What do you do?

-Oh, hospital porter.

Well, there you go, you see.

There was a porter in this, wasn't there?

I said to Bill, "That should be you!"

FORCED GUFFAW

LAUGHTER TAPERS OFF AWKWARDLY

- So, you enjoyed it then? - BOTH: Oh, yes!

The sets and the lighting make it, don't they?

They give it the atmosphere.

Yes. Nothing to do with the boring old actors, is it?

Oh, no, I'm not saying that! Oh, we liked Malcolm.

-Oh, yes.

-And you'd seen him in that programme, what was it?

BILL AND TONY: Doc Martin.

That's it. He likes it for the Cornwall.

Yeah, he played a fisherman in that.

You'd never believe he was the same person, would you?

No, no, he's, uh, a very clever chap.

And he has lovely diction, doesn't he?

I could have listened to him for hours.

Yes, well, I do, every night.

So, Kirstie, is there, um...?

Oh, sorry, yes, would you like a drink?

No, no, no. She forgets I'm four years on the wagon.

-Really?

-Yes, haven't touched a drop and feel much better for it.

No, I wondered if there was anything, um...

Oh, yes, sorry. Remember, you've got a voice-over tomorrow morning.

Oh... Have I?

I think so. Yes. For tam...pons.

Tampons?

-Well, in that case...

-Actually, you said that was Friday.

Did I?

Yesss... Can't remember now.

Well, we are taking you out for dinner!

-Oh, no, you're not.

-Oh, yes, we are!

We booked a table at Papa Del's. Come on, Jean, grab his coat.

-JOKEY VOICE: No, I don't want to go!

-Tony! Your phone.

Seriously, Bill...

THUNDERCLAP

And pity, like a naked newborn babe, striding the blast,

or heaven's cherubim, horsed upon the sightless couriers

-of the air, shall blow the horrible deed...

-No.

-Terrible deed.

-No.

-Awful.

-No.

-Dreadful.

-No.

-Evil. Nasty. Crap. Shitty.

-No! It's horrid.

-I said "horrid"!

-No, you said "horrible".

-Oh, come on, that's close enough.

Yes, close enough if you want to be an understudy all your life.

-Don't start.

-Sitting in the dressing room doing Sudokus

-while TONY gets all the glory.

-But it's the job,

-there's nothing I can do about that, is there?

-Yes, there is.

We're about to do a run-through in front of the director -

make an impression.

I'm sorry, I don't do impressions.

Now, come on. Shall blow the HORRID deed.

The horrid deed in every eye, that tears shall drown the wind.

I have no spur to prick the sides of my intent,

but only vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps...

Excuse me, what the fudge are you doing in Tony's dressing room?

-That is a sackable offence.

-Hi, Felice,

we're just... Kirstie said it would be all right.

Oh, you take your orders from the dresser now,

not the company manager?!

We don't take orders from anyone, we're not in the SS.

Speak for yourself, sweetheart.

I'll allow it on this occasion, as it's good for you to get to know

the routine should you ever need to go on for Tony - which you won't.

Your understudy run starts in T-minus 15 minutes.

We will be doing it all as is, except no blood, no swords, no fog.

-No swords?

-No. Fight director's been hospitalised.

Apparently Derek Jacobi caught him in the goolies with a nunchuk.

I don't remember that in the Merry Wives of Windsor, but there you go.

We're not using the walking sticks, are we?

It's just an understudy, Jim, it really doesn't matter.

-Are those shop-bought lattes?

-Yes. Sorry, I would have got you one...

Did you sign yourself out and back in?

-No, I was only gone two minutes.

-Go and do so, please. Stage door.

You can't be serious?

Fire is serious, Laura, that's why we have procedures. Jim.

Uh, yes, I'm sorry.

LIGHTS HUM

Your, er, Lady Macbeth frock is being pressed.

But, erm, be good if you could just pop your jeans and top off now.

-What?!

-Just...save time.

-I'm not doing that.

Oh, well, can't blame a girl for trying.

-Ah, there, I'm officially back.

-Right, thank you, Jim.

Warm-up in five and we will aim to start the run at half past.

Oh, and, uh, do try and talk quickly, if you don't mind(?)

Some of us have got to do it for real tonight.

-SHE SIGHS

-Can't fucking stand her!

Why is it all company managers hate actors?

In the job description.

"Wanted - sneery, wine-guzzling lesbian to work backstage.

"Must have own black sweatshirt and no sense of humour."

God...

I could do a sandwich round and get paid more.

Well, we don't do it for the money, do we? We do it because we love it.

We DO do it for the money.

-We're getting married in six months.

-I know.

It's expensive, isn't it? Shall we just not bother?

-Jim!

-I'm joking. I'm joking.

Sorry.

Just need to hang this up.

-Kirstie, do you know how much Tony gets paid?

-You can't ask that!

-I don't know, he never opens his payslips.

-Really?

Yeah, just throws them in the bin.

-Oh, well, in that case...

-What are you doing?

-I want to know.

-Laura!

Jesus!

Well, he's the lead, isn't he? I'll get there.

-How much more do you get if you go on for him?

-Well, not that.

At least double that. He won't go off though.

-He's never been off, has he, Kirst?

-No.

Well, maybe you should leave the soap on the floor outside

-the shower - that would do it.

-Don't be mean!

Don't you for once want to go on as the real thing,

in front of a real audience? Ow!

-What is it?

-There's a pin in this, Kirstie! Shit!

Oh, sorry, it just needs stitching, I'll get you a plaster.

-Clumsy bitch. That could have hurt someone.

-Let's have a look.

Oh, dear.

By the pricking of my thumbs...

BOTH: ..something wicked this way comes.

-Mm.

-Stop it, vampire!

Make thick my blood.

Stop up the access and passage to remorse,

that no compunctious visitings of nature shake my fell purpose.

-FELICITY OVER INTERCOM:

-'Ladies and gentlemen of the Macbeth company -

'that's the understudy company, not the actual one -

'can you make your way to the stage, please, for the warm-up?'

-She's only doing that to wind me up.

-Ignore her. Good luck.

-Stop it!

You don't want to tempt fate.

Come on, they've started already.

DEATHLY VOICES CHANT

Jim!

-ON STAGE:

-Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell...

Boring! Why don't you fuck off back to Cornwall and do more Doc Martins?

You hateful little prick!

-Honestly, I have never in my life witnessed... Is this me?

-Yes.

I have never in my life witnessed such a

SELFISH performance on stage, and you know the most annoying thing?

It works. This tedious little queen...

Get me my juice. ..has just been offered

Uncle Vanya at the Donmar Warehouse.

Vanya! That's my part!

I was born to be Vanya, and they gave the part to him. Fucking arseholes!

Which, by the way, Kirstie, is how he got the job in the first place.

-What in God's name is going on?

-I don't know.

I've just had to issue eight refunds because Macbeth vomited on stage

-and said, "Is this a dildo I see before me?"

-He's not well.

-He's pissed! Give me that bottle, Tony.

-Juice.

-Give it to me.

-JUICE!

-Oh. Jesus Christ. It's two-thirds vodka.

-So what?

So when Banquo came on you said, "Fuck me, there's a ghost!"

I thought he was on the wagon.

Felicity, Felicity, get the director down here now.

I want to make some changes.

Oh, we will be making some changes all right. Go and get Jim.

SHE SIGHS

-Right, Tony.

-Hmm?

-How many fingers have I got up?

-Don't talk to me like that, I'm not your girlfriend.

-I'm serious.

-Three.

-What's your first line in act five?

Bring me no more reports, let them fly all!

Till Birnam Wood remove to Dunsinane,

-I cannot taint with fear!

-All right, OK.

-Just going to pop you in the shower, Tony, OK?

-Ah, saucy.

-Are you coming in?

-No, I'm not.

I bet you've got a nice little pair of titties under that

big black top, haven't you?

You've got five minutes.

-I could cure you, you know.

-Bloody turns.

-What's going on, Felice?

-Do you know the lines?

-I think so.

-Are you sure?

You dried it in the understudy run last week.

Well, that was just nerves,

there were people watching from the Lion King,

didn't expect to see Pumba in full make-up.

Look, I don't like doing this, but if he doesn't sober up in the next

four minutes, I'm going to have to send you on to finish the show.

-Shit.

-I need to know if you're ready, Jim.

-I, uh...

-Well?

He's ready.

BREATHLESS: Get the costume on, Jim, we'll do the lines. You can do this.

It's what we've been waiting for.

I'll make that call, thank you, Laura. Stay where you are, please.

I'll just hang this up.

Right, Kirstie, get Tony out of the shower.

I'll be back in two minutes to make a decision.

-Can I go in now?

-Yeah.

-Oh, God, I can't do it.

-Of course you can!

But it's all the fights. We weren't allowed to practise them.

But the other actors will help you. You'll get through on adrenaline.

This is your chance. All you have to do...

..is take it.

-Right, I'm ready. Let's do this.

-Are you sure you're all right?

Of course I'm all right, get me my juice!

Tony. You don't have to do this.

Actors are allowed to be ill.

David Suchet, he missed the last act of

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with chronic diarrhoea.

Yes, but he still made the curtain call.

Shame he was in a white suit though.

If he's feeling better, then he should do it.

It will make more sense for the audience.

Exactly! Before my body I throw my warlike shield.

Lay on, Macduff!

And damned be him that first cries "Hold, enough!"

-ON STAGE:

-Good and loyal, destroying them...

That was it, Jim. That was your chance.

Well, it's not my fault. He said he's all right.

-He's drunk a full bottle of vodka!

-How do you know?

Look at the state of him!

I try and help you, Jim.

But you just don't want it enough.

-I'm only the understudy. I'm there if they want me.

-What?

Stuck in the corner of the room like a television on standby?!

Yes. I'm sorry, Laura, I can't...

I can't change who I am.

TONY ON STAGE: 'Out, out, brief candle.

'Life's but a walking shadow... '

WATER DRIPS ONTO SHOWER FLOOR

TONY: 'A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

'and then is heard no more.

'It is a tale.

'Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying...

'..nothing.'

BANGING AND CLINKING OF GLASS

TONY GROANS IN PAIN

-INTERCOM:

-'Medic to the stage, please. Medic to the stage.'

-FELICITY:

-'Tony, Tony, are you all right?

'Argh!

'Try not to move, Tony.'

INDISTINCT VOICES FROM STAGE

-That's fine, isn't it?

-Mm, I think so.

-Great.

-Do you need anything else?

-No, I'm all right, I think.

Oh, nearly forgot.

-I got you this.

-Oh, Kirstie.

-It's nothing.

-Oh, really kind. You shouldn't have.

Knock, knock.

-Right, I'll leave you to it.

-Thanks.

Actually, Kirstie, could you get me

one of those juice drinks that you used to do for Tony?

And I can't find my boots. Are they...?

Oh, sorry, I'll get them.

How are you doing? I feel like I haven't seen you.

Oh, well, I've been rehearsing, haven't I?

Finally got to get through the fights.

With a sword this time, rather than a roll of wrapping paper.

Are you nervous?

Ugh...no.

I just popped down to say... break a leg.

Huh! That's a bit near the bone under the circumstances.

I know. How is he?

Still in hospital. They're doing tests on his spine.

Poor Tony.

Still, that's what happens if you get pissed on the battlements.

Mm. Could have been worse, but he fell on a gargoyle.

Felicity wasn't on stage, was she?

It's not funny, Laura.

It's weird. Now she's gone, I quite miss her.

I thought you hated her.

Yeah, but... still feel sorry for her.

She just made the wrong call, that's all.

She should have sent you on.

You shouldn't have said she was sexually harassing you though.

I never said that. I don't know where that's come from.

Well, that's why she was sacked.

Anyway, I've booked a table at Papa Del's after the show.

My sister's in, so we can...

I'd love to, but I'm already going out with the cast.

Taking me to Jo Allen's. I could hardly say no, could I?

Well, we'll come with you.

-Your sister?

-Yeah.

At Jo Allen's?

Why not?

It's always very awkward mixing actors and civilians.

You know what they're like, they're even funny

-about including the understudies.

-I'm an understudy.

I know you are.

INTERCOM: 'Ladies and gentlemen of the Macbeth company,

'this is your half-hour call. 30 minutes please.'

Look, let me get through tonight and then we'll talk about it after, OK?

-You'll be fantastic.

-I won't if I don't concentrate.

Sorry, Laura, I just need to get my head together.

Are you asking me to go?

I am really. Yes. I need to prepare.

All right.

I'll see you later then.

-Laura.

-Yeah?

Thanks.

What for?

HE SIGHS

This.

GHOSTLY VOICES WHISPER

Do we know who's playing the girl? Oh, God.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you I've got my old dressing room

back for Dick the Shit? Yeah!

No, it's all been done up.

Yeah, was that anything to do with me?

Come on, I bet it was. Ha, all right.

I'll speak to you later. OK, bye, Maurie.

-Sorry about that.

-Not at all.

Now, do you remember the conversation we had

about a meet and greet with the lovely disabled people?

That's not now, is it? Why can't they do it after the show?

You know I don't like people in during the half!

They won't have time after the show. It's not a problem.

I'll tell them you're not available and that's just the way it is.

It's all right, Nick. Send them in, but five minutes, yeah?

And then tell them I've got to do something.

You're a gentleman, sir. And thanks so much for signing these.

The understudies will be delighted.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ahem, hem...

Now is the winter...

Ahem! Now!

Now is the winter of our discontent...

Made glorious summer by this sun of York.

Played him in Stratford, '82. Michele Dotrice was my Lady Anne.

How are you, Jim?

-Tony!

-Ha-ha! Good to see you, mate.

What are you doing here?

I've come to see you, haven't I? Quick trip.

We get free tickets, don't you know?

Oh, so nice to see you. How long's it been?

It's been 19 months and 3 weeks.

And how's things with you? I've heard nothing but raves.

Oh, well, I learnt it all from the master, didn't I?

Look, I've even got my juice drink.

Yes, I, eh, I don't touch that stuff any more.

Still, every cloud has a silver lining. You've been busy.

-I've, well, been nonstop. Obviously we took Mackers to Broadway.

-Yeah.

-And I was straight back to Ireland for Game of Thrones.

-Yeah.

But what about you? I heard you're doing talking books?

That's right. I'm giving Jarvis a run for his money.

I've just finished Everything You Need To Know About The EU.

Fascinating stuff. You think you know the half of it, but...

Yeah, sounds, sounds good.

They've done this room up nice.

Yes, yes, my agent, I think. Embarrassing really.

Well, my agent gave me this blanket. Small cheques.

-THEY LAUGH

-Good.

So good to see you.

How's that lovely girlfriend of yours?

-Have you done the decent thing yet?

-You mean Suzie?

No, pretty one. Understudied Lady M.

You were engaged, weren't you?

Oh, Laura! No, no, we're not together any more.

No, I don't know what she's up to these days.

Ah, shame.

She was a sweet girl.

Mm.

Anyway, look, I don't want to chuck you out

but I've got to get MY callipers on, so...

Oh, yes, of course. Looking forward to it.

Well, you're doing something right, anyway. Keep at it.

You're having the career for both of us now.

Thanks.

OK, WAGON'S ROLL!

DOOR OPENS

All done?

Thank you very much.

I'll get the lift for you. If you walk this way.

So to speak.

-Kirstie?

-Hello, Jim.

-It is you.

-Surprised you remember me.

Of course I remember you. So, what, you're looking after Tony now?

Yeah, I'm his full-time carer.

Well it's lovely to see you. Hope you enjoy the show.

Oh, I've already seen it.

Really?

I've seen everything you've done since we worked together.

Sometimes I come three or four times a week just to see

the little changes in your performance.

Oh. Gosh.

I always knew you'd go far.

Just needed a little push.

Sorry, what do you mean?

This room looks better now.

More fitting for a star like you.

She made a real mess of it.

-Who did?

-Laura, when she killed herself.

What?

Sorry, didn't you know? She slit her wrists in the shower.

Had the blood everywhere apparently. Right through to the floorboards.

Laura's died...?

Mm, I'm surprised you didn't know. I mean, why would you?

You've been away.

I guess I was a recurring character in Game of Thrones.

-Which you were brilliant in, by the way.

-Thank you.

-INTERCOM:

-'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Act I beginners' call.

'Act I beginners to the stage, please.'

Better put that on.

I'll do that for you.

Just like old times.

Sorry. Shouldn't have said anything.

They obviously didn't want you to know.

I hope it doesn't affect your performance.

No, it's OK. It's just a bit of a shock.

-I think I know why she did it, actually.

-Why?

Laura was responsible for Tony's accident.

She obviously couldn't live with the guilt.

That wasn't Laura.

It was me.

I spiked Tony's drink that day.

It was pure alcohol. I took it from the wig store.

SINISTER SCORE

What?

And I got rid of Felicity for you.

She never would have put you on.

She couldn't see what I could see.

I said "she cupped my breast in the Wendy House backstage".

Instant dismissal.

Why would you say that?

For you, Jim. For your career.

I've seen it happen too many times. Genuine talent not being recognised.

Looking after Tony is the price I pay for what I did.

Just as Laura's death is the price you pay.

That was nothing to do with me.

I know it wasn't.

Your career HAD to come first.

You told her that.

Look, Jim...

I took it from Laura.

I think she wanted me to have it.

I'm waiting in the wings.

Like an understudy.

Have a good show.

I'll be watching.

DRAMATIC SCORE

Knock, knock.

Are you all set to "smile and smile and be a villain"?

Yes...

Sorry.