The Understudy Inside No. 9


The Understudy

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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MAN: This and what needful else that calls upon us.

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By the grace of grace we will perform in measure, time and place.

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So, thanks to all at once, and to each one.

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Whom we invite to see us crowned at Scone.

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APPLAUSE

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I'll bring that book in for you.

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Yeah!

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Arsehole.

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That bloody speech gets longer and longer every night, yet I'm

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lying there with that belt buckle sticking in me

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and he's just droning on.

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I mean, I'm dead, the play's over, isn't it?

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-Who gives a toss about Malcolm? Ow!

-Sorry.

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I'll take them back to wardrobe to get them stretched out for you.

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That would be good, because I did ask

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for that three weeks ago, didn't I?

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-Sorry, Tony.

-You see?

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That's four minutes added on to the second half

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just cos the casting director of the Donmar's in.

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-INTERCOM:

-'Visitors at stage door for Mr Horner. Thank you.'

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Shit! What are people like? I've just done three hours of Shakespeare,

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now I've got to give another performance in here.

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-Do you want me to get them?

-Yeah, I suppose so.

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But after five minutes, remind me

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-I've got something on tomorrow morning.

-What?

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I don't know, voice-over or something. Use your imagination.

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-Just don't want to get stuck with them.

-OK.

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Phwoar.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Hi, Kirstie.

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-Hey, Tony!

-Hi, Jim.

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-Well done for tonight. Good audience, I thought.

-Were they?

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There was a lot of reading of programmes from what I could see.

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"Oh, look, Malcolm was in Doc Martin." So what?!

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Look up, people, this is theatre, it's happening now, in front of you!

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They seemed to really enjoy it.

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It's Shakespeare, Jim, they're not meant to enjoy it.

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So, how are you getting along with the lines?

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Good. It's really useful watching you every night.

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Helps it all sink in. We've actually got an understudy run

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on Friday, if you wanted to come.

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I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure I've got a voice-over on Friday.

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-What time is it?

-Two o'clock.

-Yep, that's when it is. Exactly then.

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-Damn!

-Well, not to worry.

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Who have you got coming round? Is it the woman from the Donmar?

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No, they won't see me for the Donmar.

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Not their type of actor, apparently. No, this is my neighbours,

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Bill and Jean. I don't know why they've come, to be honest.

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I've got absolutely nothing to say to either one of the...

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Bill! Jean! Ah-ha-ha! Lovely to see you!

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-Thanks so much for coming.

-No, no, no, we enjoyed it, didn't we, Jean?

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Oh, yes. "When shall we three meet again?"

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I still don't know how you learn all those lines!

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Oh, well, it's just my job.

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I probably couldn't do what you do.

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-What do you do?

-Oh, hospital porter.

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Well, there you go, you see.

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There was a porter in this, wasn't there?

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I said to Bill, "That should be you!"

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FORCED GUFFAW

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LAUGHTER TAPERS OFF AWKWARDLY

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- So, you enjoyed it then? - BOTH: Oh, yes!

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The sets and the lighting make it, don't they?

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They give it the atmosphere.

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Yes. Nothing to do with the boring old actors, is it?

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Oh, no, I'm not saying that! Oh, we liked Malcolm.

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-Oh, yes.

-And you'd seen him in that programme, what was it?

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BILL AND TONY: Doc Martin.

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That's it. He likes it for the Cornwall.

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Yeah, he played a fisherman in that.

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You'd never believe he was the same person, would you?

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No, no, he's, uh, a very clever chap.

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And he has lovely diction, doesn't he?

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I could have listened to him for hours.

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Yes, well, I do, every night.

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So, Kirstie, is there, um...?

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Oh, sorry, yes, would you like a drink?

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No, no, no. She forgets I'm four years on the wagon.

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-Really?

-Yes, haven't touched a drop and feel much better for it.

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No, I wondered if there was anything, um...

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Oh, yes, sorry. Remember, you've got a voice-over tomorrow morning.

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Oh... Have I?

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I think so. Yes. For tam...pons.

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Tampons?

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-Well, in that case...

-Actually, you said that was Friday.

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Did I?

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Yesss... Can't remember now.

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Well, we are taking you out for dinner!

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-Oh, no, you're not.

-Oh, yes, we are!

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We booked a table at Papa Del's. Come on, Jean, grab his coat.

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-JOKEY VOICE: No, I don't want to go!

-Tony! Your phone.

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Seriously, Bill...

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THUNDERCLAP

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And pity, like a naked newborn babe, striding the blast,

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or heaven's cherubim, horsed upon the sightless couriers

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-of the air, shall blow the horrible deed...

-No.

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-Terrible deed.

-No.

-Awful.

-No.

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-Dreadful.

-No.

-Evil. Nasty. Crap. Shitty.

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-No! It's horrid.

-I said "horrid"!

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-No, you said "horrible".

-Oh, come on, that's close enough.

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Yes, close enough if you want to be an understudy all your life.

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-Don't start.

-Sitting in the dressing room doing Sudokus

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-while TONY gets all the glory.

-But it's the job,

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-there's nothing I can do about that, is there?

-Yes, there is.

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We're about to do a run-through in front of the director -

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make an impression.

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I'm sorry, I don't do impressions.

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Now, come on. Shall blow the HORRID deed.

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The horrid deed in every eye, that tears shall drown the wind.

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I have no spur to prick the sides of my intent,

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but only vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps...

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Excuse me, what the fudge are you doing in Tony's dressing room?

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-That is a sackable offence.

-Hi, Felice,

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we're just... Kirstie said it would be all right.

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Oh, you take your orders from the dresser now,

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not the company manager?!

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We don't take orders from anyone, we're not in the SS.

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Speak for yourself, sweetheart.

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I'll allow it on this occasion, as it's good for you to get to know

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the routine should you ever need to go on for Tony - which you won't.

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Your understudy run starts in T-minus 15 minutes.

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We will be doing it all as is, except no blood, no swords, no fog.

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-No swords?

-No. Fight director's been hospitalised.

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Apparently Derek Jacobi caught him in the goolies with a nunchuk.

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I don't remember that in the Merry Wives of Windsor, but there you go.

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We're not using the walking sticks, are we?

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It's just an understudy, Jim, it really doesn't matter.

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-Are those shop-bought lattes?

-Yes. Sorry, I would have got you one...

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Did you sign yourself out and back in?

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-No, I was only gone two minutes.

-Go and do so, please. Stage door.

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You can't be serious?

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Fire is serious, Laura, that's why we have procedures. Jim.

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Uh, yes, I'm sorry.

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LIGHTS HUM

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Your, er, Lady Macbeth frock is being pressed.

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But, erm, be good if you could just pop your jeans and top off now.

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-What?!

-Just...save time.

-I'm not doing that.

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Oh, well, can't blame a girl for trying.

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-Ah, there, I'm officially back.

-Right, thank you, Jim.

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Warm-up in five and we will aim to start the run at half past.

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Oh, and, uh, do try and talk quickly, if you don't mind(?)

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Some of us have got to do it for real tonight.

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-SHE SIGHS

-Can't fucking stand her!

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Why is it all company managers hate actors?

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In the job description.

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"Wanted - sneery, wine-guzzling lesbian to work backstage.

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"Must have own black sweatshirt and no sense of humour."

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God...

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I could do a sandwich round and get paid more.

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Well, we don't do it for the money, do we? We do it because we love it.

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We DO do it for the money.

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-We're getting married in six months.

-I know.

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It's expensive, isn't it? Shall we just not bother?

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-Jim!

-I'm joking. I'm joking.

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Sorry.

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Just need to hang this up.

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-Kirstie, do you know how much Tony gets paid?

-You can't ask that!

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-I don't know, he never opens his payslips.

-Really?

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Yeah, just throws them in the bin.

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-Oh, well, in that case...

-What are you doing?

-I want to know.

-Laura!

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Jesus!

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Well, he's the lead, isn't he? I'll get there.

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-How much more do you get if you go on for him?

-Well, not that.

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At least double that. He won't go off though.

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-He's never been off, has he, Kirst?

-No.

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Well, maybe you should leave the soap on the floor outside

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-the shower - that would do it.

-Don't be mean!

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Don't you for once want to go on as the real thing,

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in front of a real audience? Ow!

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-What is it?

-There's a pin in this, Kirstie! Shit!

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Oh, sorry, it just needs stitching, I'll get you a plaster.

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-Clumsy bitch. That could have hurt someone.

-Let's have a look.

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Oh, dear.

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By the pricking of my thumbs...

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BOTH: ..something wicked this way comes.

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-Mm.

-Stop it, vampire!

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Make thick my blood.

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Stop up the access and passage to remorse,

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that no compunctious visitings of nature shake my fell purpose.

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-FELICITY OVER INTERCOM:

-'Ladies and gentlemen of the Macbeth company -

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'that's the understudy company, not the actual one -

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'can you make your way to the stage, please, for the warm-up?'

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-She's only doing that to wind me up.

-Ignore her. Good luck.

-Stop it!

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You don't want to tempt fate.

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Come on, they've started already.

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DEATHLY VOICES CHANT

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Jim!

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-ON STAGE:

-Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell...

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Boring! Why don't you fuck off back to Cornwall and do more Doc Martins?

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You hateful little prick!

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-Honestly, I have never in my life witnessed... Is this me?

-Yes.

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I have never in my life witnessed such a

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SELFISH performance on stage, and you know the most annoying thing?

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It works. This tedious little queen...

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Get me my juice. ..has just been offered

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Uncle Vanya at the Donmar Warehouse.

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Vanya! That's my part!

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I was born to be Vanya, and they gave the part to him. Fucking arseholes!

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Which, by the way, Kirstie, is how he got the job in the first place.

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-What in God's name is going on?

-I don't know.

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I've just had to issue eight refunds because Macbeth vomited on stage

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-and said, "Is this a dildo I see before me?"

-He's not well.

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-He's pissed! Give me that bottle, Tony.

-Juice.

-Give it to me.

-JUICE!

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-Oh. Jesus Christ. It's two-thirds vodka.

-So what?

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So when Banquo came on you said, "Fuck me, there's a ghost!"

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I thought he was on the wagon.

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Felicity, Felicity, get the director down here now.

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I want to make some changes.

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Oh, we will be making some changes all right. Go and get Jim.

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SHE SIGHS

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-Right, Tony.

-Hmm?

-How many fingers have I got up?

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-Don't talk to me like that, I'm not your girlfriend.

-I'm serious.

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-Three.

-What's your first line in act five?

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Bring me no more reports, let them fly all!

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Till Birnam Wood remove to Dunsinane,

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-I cannot taint with fear!

-All right, OK.

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-Just going to pop you in the shower, Tony, OK?

-Ah, saucy.

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-Are you coming in?

-No, I'm not.

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I bet you've got a nice little pair of titties under that

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big black top, haven't you?

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You've got five minutes.

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-I could cure you, you know.

-Bloody turns.

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-What's going on, Felice?

-Do you know the lines?

-I think so.

-Are you sure?

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You dried it in the understudy run last week.

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Well, that was just nerves,

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there were people watching from the Lion King,

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didn't expect to see Pumba in full make-up.

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Look, I don't like doing this, but if he doesn't sober up in the next

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four minutes, I'm going to have to send you on to finish the show.

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-Shit.

-I need to know if you're ready, Jim.

-I, uh...

-Well?

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He's ready.

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BREATHLESS: Get the costume on, Jim, we'll do the lines. You can do this.

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It's what we've been waiting for.

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I'll make that call, thank you, Laura. Stay where you are, please.

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I'll just hang this up.

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Right, Kirstie, get Tony out of the shower.

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I'll be back in two minutes to make a decision.

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-Can I go in now?

-Yeah.

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-Oh, God, I can't do it.

-Of course you can!

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But it's all the fights. We weren't allowed to practise them.

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But the other actors will help you. You'll get through on adrenaline.

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This is your chance. All you have to do...

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..is take it.

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-Right, I'm ready. Let's do this.

-Are you sure you're all right?

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Of course I'm all right, get me my juice!

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Tony. You don't have to do this.

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Actors are allowed to be ill.

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David Suchet, he missed the last act of

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Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with chronic diarrhoea.

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Yes, but he still made the curtain call.

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Shame he was in a white suit though.

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If he's feeling better, then he should do it.

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It will make more sense for the audience.

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Exactly! Before my body I throw my warlike shield.

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Lay on, Macduff!

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And damned be him that first cries "Hold, enough!"

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-ON STAGE:

-Good and loyal, destroying them...

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That was it, Jim. That was your chance.

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Well, it's not my fault. He said he's all right.

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-He's drunk a full bottle of vodka!

-How do you know?

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Look at the state of him!

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I try and help you, Jim.

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But you just don't want it enough.

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-I'm only the understudy. I'm there if they want me.

-What?

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Stuck in the corner of the room like a television on standby?!

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Yes. I'm sorry, Laura, I can't...

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I can't change who I am.

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TONY ON STAGE: 'Out, out, brief candle.

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'Life's but a walking shadow... '

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WATER DRIPS ONTO SHOWER FLOOR

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TONY: 'A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

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'and then is heard no more.

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'It is a tale.

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'Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying...

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'..nothing.'

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BANGING AND CLINKING OF GLASS

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TONY GROANS IN PAIN

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-INTERCOM:

-'Medic to the stage, please. Medic to the stage.'

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-FELICITY:

-'Tony, Tony, are you all right?

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'Argh!

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'Try not to move, Tony.'

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INDISTINCT VOICES FROM STAGE

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-That's fine, isn't it?

-Mm, I think so.

-Great.

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-Do you need anything else?

-No, I'm all right, I think.

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Oh, nearly forgot.

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-I got you this.

-Oh, Kirstie.

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-It's nothing.

-Oh, really kind. You shouldn't have.

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Knock, knock.

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-Right, I'll leave you to it.

-Thanks.

0:17:370:17:39

Actually, Kirstie, could you get me

0:17:390:17:41

one of those juice drinks that you used to do for Tony?

0:17:410:17:44

And I can't find my boots. Are they...?

0:17:440:17:47

Oh, sorry, I'll get them.

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How are you doing? I feel like I haven't seen you.

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Oh, well, I've been rehearsing, haven't I?

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Finally got to get through the fights.

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With a sword this time, rather than a roll of wrapping paper.

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Are you nervous?

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Ugh...no.

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I just popped down to say... break a leg.

0:18:100:18:13

Huh! That's a bit near the bone under the circumstances.

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I know. How is he?

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Still in hospital. They're doing tests on his spine.

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Poor Tony.

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Still, that's what happens if you get pissed on the battlements.

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Mm. Could have been worse, but he fell on a gargoyle.

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Felicity wasn't on stage, was she?

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It's not funny, Laura.

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It's weird. Now she's gone, I quite miss her.

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I thought you hated her.

0:18:440:18:46

Yeah, but... still feel sorry for her.

0:18:460:18:49

She just made the wrong call, that's all.

0:18:490:18:51

She should have sent you on.

0:18:510:18:52

You shouldn't have said she was sexually harassing you though.

0:18:520:18:55

I never said that. I don't know where that's come from.

0:18:550:18:58

Well, that's why she was sacked.

0:18:580:18:59

Anyway, I've booked a table at Papa Del's after the show.

0:19:040:19:08

My sister's in, so we can...

0:19:080:19:09

I'd love to, but I'm already going out with the cast.

0:19:090:19:13

Taking me to Jo Allen's. I could hardly say no, could I?

0:19:130:19:16

Well, we'll come with you.

0:19:160:19:18

-Your sister?

-Yeah.

0:19:210:19:22

At Jo Allen's?

0:19:230:19:25

Why not?

0:19:250:19:27

It's always very awkward mixing actors and civilians.

0:19:270:19:30

You know what they're like, they're even funny

0:19:300:19:32

-about including the understudies.

-I'm an understudy.

0:19:320:19:34

I know you are.

0:19:360:19:37

INTERCOM: 'Ladies and gentlemen of the Macbeth company,

0:19:380:19:40

'this is your half-hour call. 30 minutes please.'

0:19:400:19:43

Look, let me get through tonight and then we'll talk about it after, OK?

0:19:430:19:47

-You'll be fantastic.

-I won't if I don't concentrate.

0:19:500:19:53

Sorry, Laura, I just need to get my head together.

0:19:530:19:56

Are you asking me to go?

0:19:570:19:58

I am really. Yes. I need to prepare.

0:20:000:20:03

All right.

0:20:060:20:07

I'll see you later then.

0:20:080:20:10

-Laura.

-Yeah?

0:20:150:20:16

Thanks.

0:20:180:20:19

What for?

0:20:210:20:22

HE SIGHS

0:20:220:20:24

This.

0:20:240:20:25

GHOSTLY VOICES WHISPER

0:20:500:20:52

Do we know who's playing the girl? Oh, God.

0:21:090:21:14

Oh, by the way, did I tell you I've got my old dressing room

0:21:140:21:16

back for Dick the Shit? Yeah!

0:21:160:21:19

No, it's all been done up.

0:21:200:21:22

Yeah, was that anything to do with me?

0:21:220:21:25

Come on, I bet it was. Ha, all right.

0:21:250:21:28

I'll speak to you later. OK, bye, Maurie.

0:21:280:21:31

-Sorry about that.

-Not at all.

0:21:310:21:34

Now, do you remember the conversation we had

0:21:340:21:36

about a meet and greet with the lovely disabled people?

0:21:360:21:38

That's not now, is it? Why can't they do it after the show?

0:21:380:21:41

You know I don't like people in during the half!

0:21:410:21:43

They won't have time after the show. It's not a problem.

0:21:430:21:46

I'll tell them you're not available and that's just the way it is.

0:21:460:21:49

It's all right, Nick. Send them in, but five minutes, yeah?

0:21:490:21:51

And then tell them I've got to do something.

0:21:510:21:53

You're a gentleman, sir. And thanks so much for signing these.

0:21:530:21:57

The understudies will be delighted.

0:21:570:21:58

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:22:000:22:01

Ahem, hem...

0:22:050:22:07

Now is the winter...

0:22:070:22:09

Ahem! Now!

0:22:090:22:13

Now is the winter of our discontent...

0:22:130:22:17

Made glorious summer by this sun of York.

0:22:170:22:20

Played him in Stratford, '82. Michele Dotrice was my Lady Anne.

0:22:220:22:26

How are you, Jim?

0:22:260:22:28

-Tony!

-Ha-ha! Good to see you, mate.

0:22:280:22:32

What are you doing here?

0:22:320:22:33

I've come to see you, haven't I? Quick trip.

0:22:330:22:36

We get free tickets, don't you know?

0:22:360:22:38

Oh, so nice to see you. How long's it been?

0:22:380:22:41

It's been 19 months and 3 weeks.

0:22:410:22:44

And how's things with you? I've heard nothing but raves.

0:22:450:22:48

Oh, well, I learnt it all from the master, didn't I?

0:22:480:22:50

Look, I've even got my juice drink.

0:22:500:22:53

Yes, I, eh, I don't touch that stuff any more.

0:22:530:22:56

Still, every cloud has a silver lining. You've been busy.

0:22:580:23:01

-I've, well, been nonstop. Obviously we took Mackers to Broadway.

-Yeah.

0:23:010:23:05

-And I was straight back to Ireland for Game of Thrones.

-Yeah.

0:23:050:23:07

But what about you? I heard you're doing talking books?

0:23:070:23:10

That's right. I'm giving Jarvis a run for his money.

0:23:100:23:13

I've just finished Everything You Need To Know About The EU.

0:23:130:23:17

Fascinating stuff. You think you know the half of it, but...

0:23:170:23:20

Yeah, sounds, sounds good.

0:23:230:23:25

They've done this room up nice.

0:23:260:23:28

Yes, yes, my agent, I think. Embarrassing really.

0:23:280:23:32

Well, my agent gave me this blanket. Small cheques.

0:23:320:23:36

-THEY LAUGH

-Good.

0:23:360:23:38

So good to see you.

0:23:440:23:45

How's that lovely girlfriend of yours?

0:23:480:23:50

-Have you done the decent thing yet?

-You mean Suzie?

0:23:500:23:53

No, pretty one. Understudied Lady M.

0:23:530:23:56

You were engaged, weren't you?

0:23:560:23:58

Oh, Laura! No, no, we're not together any more.

0:23:580:24:00

No, I don't know what she's up to these days.

0:24:000:24:02

Ah, shame.

0:24:020:24:04

She was a sweet girl.

0:24:040:24:06

Mm.

0:24:070:24:09

Anyway, look, I don't want to chuck you out

0:24:090:24:11

but I've got to get MY callipers on, so...

0:24:110:24:13

Oh, yes, of course. Looking forward to it.

0:24:130:24:16

Well, you're doing something right, anyway. Keep at it.

0:24:170:24:20

You're having the career for both of us now.

0:24:220:24:24

Thanks.

0:24:270:24:28

OK, WAGON'S ROLL!

0:24:280:24:30

DOOR OPENS

0:24:300:24:32

All done?

0:24:320:24:34

Thank you very much.

0:24:340:24:35

I'll get the lift for you. If you walk this way.

0:24:360:24:39

So to speak.

0:24:390:24:41

-Kirstie?

-Hello, Jim.

0:24:410:24:43

-It is you.

-Surprised you remember me.

0:24:430:24:46

Of course I remember you. So, what, you're looking after Tony now?

0:24:460:24:49

Yeah, I'm his full-time carer.

0:24:490:24:51

Well it's lovely to see you. Hope you enjoy the show.

0:24:510:24:54

Oh, I've already seen it.

0:24:540:24:56

Really?

0:24:560:24:58

I've seen everything you've done since we worked together.

0:24:580:25:00

Sometimes I come three or four times a week just to see

0:25:000:25:03

the little changes in your performance.

0:25:030:25:05

Oh. Gosh.

0:25:050:25:06

I always knew you'd go far.

0:25:060:25:08

Just needed a little push.

0:25:080:25:10

Sorry, what do you mean?

0:25:110:25:13

This room looks better now.

0:25:130:25:14

More fitting for a star like you.

0:25:150:25:18

She made a real mess of it.

0:25:200:25:22

-Who did?

-Laura, when she killed herself.

0:25:220:25:25

What?

0:25:260:25:28

Sorry, didn't you know? She slit her wrists in the shower.

0:25:280:25:31

Had the blood everywhere apparently. Right through to the floorboards.

0:25:310:25:34

Laura's died...?

0:25:340:25:36

Mm, I'm surprised you didn't know. I mean, why would you?

0:25:360:25:39

You've been away.

0:25:390:25:41

I guess I was a recurring character in Game of Thrones.

0:25:410:25:43

-Which you were brilliant in, by the way.

-Thank you.

0:25:430:25:45

-INTERCOM:

-'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Act I beginners' call.

0:25:450:25:48

'Act I beginners to the stage, please.'

0:25:480:25:51

Better put that on.

0:25:510:25:52

I'll do that for you.

0:25:550:25:57

Just like old times.

0:25:590:26:01

Sorry. Shouldn't have said anything.

0:26:030:26:05

They obviously didn't want you to know.

0:26:050:26:07

I hope it doesn't affect your performance.

0:26:070:26:09

No, it's OK. It's just a bit of a shock.

0:26:090:26:12

-I think I know why she did it, actually.

-Why?

0:26:120:26:15

Laura was responsible for Tony's accident.

0:26:150:26:20

She obviously couldn't live with the guilt.

0:26:200:26:22

That wasn't Laura.

0:26:230:26:25

It was me.

0:26:250:26:27

I spiked Tony's drink that day.

0:26:270:26:28

It was pure alcohol. I took it from the wig store.

0:26:280:26:31

SINISTER SCORE

0:26:310:26:32

What?

0:26:320:26:34

And I got rid of Felicity for you.

0:26:340:26:35

She never would have put you on.

0:26:370:26:40

She couldn't see what I could see.

0:26:400:26:42

I said "she cupped my breast in the Wendy House backstage".

0:26:430:26:46

Instant dismissal.

0:26:460:26:48

Why would you say that?

0:26:500:26:51

For you, Jim. For your career.

0:26:520:26:55

I've seen it happen too many times. Genuine talent not being recognised.

0:26:560:27:01

Looking after Tony is the price I pay for what I did.

0:27:010:27:04

Just as Laura's death is the price you pay.

0:27:040:27:07

That was nothing to do with me.

0:27:070:27:08

I know it wasn't.

0:27:080:27:10

Your career HAD to come first.

0:27:110:27:13

You told her that.

0:27:130:27:14

Look, Jim...

0:27:170:27:18

I took it from Laura.

0:27:220:27:24

I think she wanted me to have it.

0:27:240:27:26

I'm waiting in the wings.

0:27:270:27:29

Like an understudy.

0:27:300:27:32

Have a good show.

0:27:370:27:38

I'll be watching.

0:27:430:27:44

DRAMATIC SCORE

0:27:530:27:54

Knock, knock.

0:28:070:28:09

Are you all set to "smile and smile and be a villain"?

0:28:090:28:12

Yes...

0:28:120:28:14

Sorry.

0:28:140:28:15

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