La Couchette Inside No. 9


La Couchette

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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-TANNOY:

-Bonsoir et bienvenue a bord ce train SNCF a destination de

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Bourg-Saint-Maurice qui arrivera a sept heures quarante demain matin.

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HE BREATHES HEAVILY

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-HE FARTS

-Schuldigung.

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HE GROANS

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HE COUGHS AND RETCHES

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Ach, verdammter Mist!

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Could you close the window, please?

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-Eh?

-Schliessen Sie das Fenster, bitte.

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HE COUGHS

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MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

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MAN AND WOMAN MOAN WITH PLEASURE

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HE CHUCKLES

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Oh, de-da-de-da-de-da...

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SERIES OF WET FARTS

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HE WHEEZES

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HE SNORES

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Oh, it's here, look.

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-Where?

-Here. Number nine.

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-Oh, God, there's people in here already.

-So?

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-They're asleep.

-It's a sleeper train.

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What do you expect them to be doing? Playing ping pong?

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Keep your voice down. Sorry.

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-Er, I'll just put these away.

-Well, what about these?

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Don't want them all creased up for the wedding.

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Well, hang them up. Find the ticket, see which ones are ours.

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ZIP BUZZES

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ZIP SLOWLY CLICKS APART

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Just get on with it, would you? I'm trying to sleep.

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Yeah, sorry.

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Here, they've got sinks for brushing your teeth -

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but the water's brown.

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I don't trust it.

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-Which one's ours?

-I can't see.

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-I'll put the big light on.

-Les!

-Oh!

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I think it's these top two, but there's someone in that one.

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Oh, you're joking...

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Well, it's all right, we'll just take these two.

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-No, I want to go on the top!

-Les, you're not six!

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It's the only thing I was looking forward to.

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What, more than your daughter's wedding?

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Let's just wake him up.

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No! I've already disturbed this gentleman.

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We'll both go in this one, if you're that fussed. Be an adventure.

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It's not The Crystal Maze, you know?

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What did she want to get married in France for, anyway?

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Could have had the back room at the Cheese for free.

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Because she wanted to wake up in the French mountains, Les,

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not in a pub garden in Bury.

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They'd have put on a good spread.

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And they'd have an artist on at the night do.

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They'll do a good spread here.

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You're in France, cuisine capital of the world.

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Yeah, well, I'm not eating frogs' legs.

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Oh, shut up about that. You have crab's dicks.

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What?

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You - you eat crab's dicks in the pub.

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That's "crab sticks", you idiot. What's a crab's dick?

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Well, I don't know. I thought they were big.

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Would you be quiet, please?

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Sorry, love. We're just sorting ourselves out.

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Yeah... No...

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Oh, me too, babe. I absolutely stink.

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Haven't had a shower since Prague. SHE CHUCKLES

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Oh, fuck knows.

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Hold on...

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I'll ask someone.

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Excuse me, does anyone know what country we're in?

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You're in France, love.

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Oh, my God, we're in France!

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What happened to Austria? SHE LAUGHS

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Yeah, right...

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Hold on, hold on...

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I'm going to go out in the corridor.

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Yeah, I'm in the, er, couchette.

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No, it's like a room.

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Yeah...

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Basically a hostel on wheels. It's so fucked.

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-No...

-Could you close the door, please?

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Excuse me?

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Excuse me!

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Ridiculous!

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-Come on, let's get undressed.

-Ah, yeah.

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Oof!

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Ow!

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You...

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What you doing? I can't...

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I'm just trying to help!

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Shh!

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What are you doing? Get your head out!

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It's no good. We'll have to wake him up.

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No!

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There's no room!

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-Hey, excuse me.

-Was? Was ist...?

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Er, you're in our bed.

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-Huh?

-Er...you are in my wife's bed.

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-Ja?

-Ja.

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Is that OK?

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Ja, warum nicht? Komm...

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Oh, no, no, no, no, not with you. You have to go down.

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Ja, das klingt gut, ja.

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Don't give him any ideas.

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No, er, here...

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Er, er... 9D.

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9D.

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Sie sind in dem falschen Bett. Sie mussen bewegen!

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Was hat das mit Ihnen zu tun, ha?

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Sie haben die Fahrkarte!

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Was fur einen Unterschied macht das? Ich bin schon im Bett!

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Weil ich nicht schlafen kann!

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We've started World War Three here.

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Das ist lacherlich, verdammt lacherlich.

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Hey, watch those suits, pal.

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-The suits! Ignorant.

-Les!

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Well, look at him - Barbapapa.

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Thank you, sir.

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We don't mean to cause a fuss,

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but it's better to get it sorted, isn't it?

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Look, I have a very important interview tomorrow morning.

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We have 8 hours and 42 minutes

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before we arrive in Bourg-Saint-Maurice.

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I should like to spend the majority of that time sleeping!

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Yeah, so would we. Sorry.

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Go on, Les, shift yourself.

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Oh, why do I have to go in? It's all sweaty and horrible.

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The gentleman's just told you he's trying to get some sleep.

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I'm going to hang these suits up first, aren't I?

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Hey, hey, hey! These are for our daughter's wedding.

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Verpiss dich!

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HE FARTS Ah, you pig!

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Oh, please!

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-I'll be quiet now.

-Ah!

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HE SNIFFS

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Oh, it stinks!

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Night-night.

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Night-night.

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INTERMITTENT BEEPS

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Les!

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I know, it's my travel alarm.

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Turn it off.

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Only lasts 30 seconds. Be over soon.

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ALARM BEEPS RAPIDLY

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Not long, now.

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CONSTANT BEEPS

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-Les!

-BEEPING STOPS

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Told you.

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Just down here.

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Excellent.

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This is actually much nicer than first class.

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Seriously?

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Yeah. It's a lot more real, if you know what I mean?

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Here.

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This actually reminds me of a hostel I stayed in, out in Phuket.

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The toilets were disgusting.

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I love all that shit. Have you done India?

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Oh, yeah, it was awesome. I got hepatitis.

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-Really? A or B?

-Only A.

-Oh.

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Still, my friend Callum got typhoid in Mumbai.

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His parents had to pay for an air ambulance to get him out.

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It was like The Killing Fields.

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Shit! Was he OK?

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Yeah. He lost, like, 3st. He was really pleased.

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He was a bit of a blob.

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So, um...

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What are your impressions of Europe, so far?

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Oh, I just love all the history and buildings and stuff.

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Mm, what have you seen?

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Um, what's the one in Belgium, of the little boy with his dick out?

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Le Mannekin Pis.

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Er, designed by Hieronimus Duquesnoy in 1688, I think.

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Yeah, I climbed over the railings

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and got a picture of it pissing in my mouth.

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Wow, you're so vile - I love you.

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Well, if someone lends me their toilet paper, I'm anybody's.

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-There's plenty more where that came from.

-THEY LAUGH

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GROAN

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Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting there's other people in here.

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Shall we go to your carriage?

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Er... No, actually, it's better here, yeah.

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It's a right giggle.

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It is now you're here.

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Mmm, barbecue sauce.

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So erm, how have you found the men, from country to country?

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Not that I'm implying you're a slag. Or maybe you are.

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I don't know?

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No, I am. You could say I've covered a lot of ground.

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Ah, OK. Who comes out on top?

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Well, that depends

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whether we're in the marshy wetlands or the arid desert.

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Can't actually think of a desert in Europe,

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other than Tabernas in Spain.

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No, I meant up the shitter.

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Right, good.

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Are you much of an explorer?

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Er, well... I can be quite adventurous.

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Pot-holing in Derbyshire was properly intense.

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So you're used to going in pretty deep, then?

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-Ah, it depends how cavernous we're talking.

-Ooh!

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TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH

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Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

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-HE YELPS

-What's the matter?

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-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, my God!

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What's going on?

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He's dead!

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Someone put t'big light on.

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What's going on? Who are you?

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I...I was just having a nightcap with...

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Sorry, I forgot your name.

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-Shona.

-Shona. When, er... this chap fell out of the sky.

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Get out of my way. I'm a doctor.

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Was ist passiert? Sind wir schon angekommen?

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Dieser Mann ist aus dem Bett gefallen.

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I thought he was very quiet.

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Is he all right, bud?

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He's dead.

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Shittington.

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He appears to have some sort of lesion or blister on his face.

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Could be erysipelas.

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Oh, God, sorry. No, that's...mine.

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I'll just keep that, take that for later.

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Fingers crossed, eh?

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What do we do?

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I'll go and find a guard. Everyone stay here.

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Don't let anyone in or out.

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HE COUGHS AND RETCHES

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Oh, ich fuhle mich schrecklich.

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-What's he say?

-I don't know, something about Shrek.

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-Ah, I thought he looked a bit green.

-Oh, it was awful.

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He was staring at me with these horrible glazed eyes.

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Sorry, it's just my sex face.

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Do you want to come up here, love, out of the way of it?

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Yeah, thanks.

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Right, well, I'd better be heading back to first class, so...

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Oi, oi, hang on, pal. Hang on.

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That fella said we've got to wait here till the guard comes.

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-Oh, I just didn't want to get... Shirley?

-Shona.

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Shona... Shona... into any trouble.

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Late-night romps et cetera.

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Is that what you were doing? In a room full of people?

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I'm sure you would have just slept through it.

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You know about that, Kath.

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THEY LAUGH

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Hey, what's he doing? Hey, hey! What's the idea, pal?

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Ich suche einen Reisepass.

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Here, get your fingers out of him.

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Er muss ein Grossvater gewesen sein.

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Oh, he had grandkids - look.

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His poor family. They don't even know yet.

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Hey, it's like we're the kids in Stand By Me.

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Bags I'm River Phoenix.

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Good film.

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Couldn't find anybody. All the carriages are closed.

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Oh, they're never around when you need them, are they?

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There has to be someone - it's not Runaway Train.

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Ich hatte einen Vorschlag. Warum benutzen wir nicht den hier?

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Oh, vielleicht ist das nicht geboten.

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Was meinst du mit geboten? Der Mann ist tot!

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What are you saying? Speak English.

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He's proposing we use the emergency stop.

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Ja, genau.

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Can I do that? I've always wanted to smash one of them.

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Oh, don't cut your hands.

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No, I won't,

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cos I'm going to use one of your shoes.

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Hey, I got them from Next!

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I haven't got a ticket!

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-What?

-Can't stop the train - I don't have a ticket.

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I'm sort of a stowaway.

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-Was ist los?

-Er hat keine Fahrkarte.

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Tun Sie, was Sie wollen. Ich brauche mein Bett.

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You told me you were in first class.

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Sorry, I lied.

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-I'm completely broke.

-You bastard!

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So what, you just hang around the toilets,

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waiting for an Australian slapper to offer you a bed, is that it?

0:16:220:16:25

Yeah, pretty much.

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-Well, listen - I'm sorry, pal, I'm smashing it.

-Oh...

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We've got a dead body here.

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Well, I have to declare an interest.

0:16:310:16:34

Tomorrow morning, I have an interview

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at the World Health Organization in Geneva.

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What do you want, a round of applause?

0:16:380:16:39

Well, if we stop the train, there will be a major delay

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and I will miss my appointment,

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an appointment that it's taken me 18 months to arrange.

0:16:430:16:46

What are you saying here?

0:16:460:16:47

Well, this man has been dead for at least four hours.

0:16:470:16:49

Another three or four will not make any difference.

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What, you want to just leave him there?

0:16:520:16:54

Well, I propose we put him back to bed,

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continue the journey without delay and have the guards

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find the poor gentleman first thing tomorrow morning.

0:16:590:17:01

Oh, that doesn't sound right.

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Don't they have to examine the body, like a Quincy?

0:17:030:17:05

Exactly, yeah. They have to find out the cause of death.

0:17:050:17:07

Apparently, when you hang yourself, you get an erection.

0:17:070:17:11

Sorry, irrelevant.

0:17:130:17:14

There's nothing we can do for him. It's probably a heart attack.

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It really would mean the world to me

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if we could just finish this journey without interruption.

0:17:190:17:22

Sorry, am I going mad here?

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Are you suggesting we all just bunk up with a rotting corpse,

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so you can make your interview in the morning?

0:17:270:17:29

Yeah, it's ridiculous. Smash the glass, Les.

0:17:290:17:31

Right, er...

0:17:310:17:33

We have got our Leanne's wedding tomorrow.

0:17:360:17:39

I mean, what if he's right and we end up late?

0:17:390:17:41

Well, the day do's not until 12, we'll easily make that.

0:17:410:17:44

Will we, though? What if they don't let anyone off?

0:17:440:17:47

He rolled out of bed dead, it's not Murder On The Orient Express!

0:17:470:17:50

Oh, another good film.

0:17:500:17:52

I'm fairly confident that if we do alert the authorities,

0:17:520:17:55

we both will miss our respective engagements.

0:17:550:17:58

Exactly! Look, they'll find him in a couple of hours, anyway.

0:17:580:18:02

We'll be gone and that's that.

0:18:020:18:04

I have to say I agree.

0:18:040:18:05

Good. Well, I'll just explain the situation to our German friend,

0:18:060:18:10

so we're all on the same page.

0:18:100:18:11

Oh, come on, Kath. We've come all this way.

0:18:150:18:17

We don't want to let our Leanne down.

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Will you give us a minute, please, love?

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Sure.

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Do you want a hand?

0:18:270:18:29

Are you still here?

0:18:290:18:30

Why don't you go back to first class?

0:18:310:18:34

Well, I thought, now that there's a spare bunk going,

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I might as well get my head down for a couple of hours.

0:18:370:18:39

What?

0:18:390:18:41

Unless you want to pick up from where we left off?

0:18:410:18:44

That's been on a dead man's face.

0:18:440:18:47

Have some respect.

0:18:470:18:49

S...sorry. Too soon.

0:18:490:18:51

I can't believe what I'm hearing, Les.

0:18:510:18:53

I don't know who you are. Who are you?

0:18:530:18:55

Oh, look, I'm just a man who wants to walk his daughter

0:18:550:18:58

down the aisle on her wedding day.

0:18:580:19:00

Yeah, having slept with a dead body the night before!

0:19:000:19:03

Been doing that for the last 25 years.

0:19:030:19:06

It was a joke.

0:19:060:19:07

Oh, come on, Kath. If that Aussie bird hadn't've screamed,

0:19:080:19:11

you have slept through and been none the wiser.

0:19:110:19:13

We don't even know who the man is.

0:19:130:19:15

Makes no difference to us.

0:19:150:19:17

Imagine if that was you,

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slung in a corner and ignored

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because it's more convenient for everybody else.

0:19:200:19:22

Shame on you, Les Cook!

0:19:220:19:24

Yeah, do you not think you're overreacting?

0:19:240:19:26

No, I think I've just woken up.

0:19:260:19:28

-Ich hoffe, Sie fuhlen sich besser.

-Ja.

0:19:300:19:32

Is he all right?

0:19:320:19:34

Yes, just a little bit compacted, that's all.

0:19:340:19:36

Too much beer and bratwurst, probably.

0:19:360:19:38

That should get him moving again.

0:19:380:19:39

Now, I really do think we ought to put the cadaver

0:19:390:19:42

back where we found it.

0:19:420:19:44

Cadaver? He was a human being, you know?

0:19:440:19:47

-Sorry?

-He had a family.

0:19:470:19:49

He's not a piece of meat.

0:19:490:19:51

Ah, yes, of course... Would anyone like to say a few words?

0:19:510:19:55

Yeah, I would.

0:19:570:19:58

This man...

0:20:000:20:02

was a husband, a father and a grandfather.

0:20:020:20:06

He always had a smile for everyone...

0:20:070:20:09

and he had a wicked sense of humour.

0:20:090:20:12

Well, I mean... We don't actually know that.

0:20:120:20:14

I'm going by the picture.

0:20:140:20:16

Right.

0:20:160:20:17

He loved sitting in his green chair,

0:20:180:20:21

his family all around him.

0:20:210:20:23

Yeah, he loved to drink - who doesn't?

0:20:230:20:26

But the main thing is...

0:20:260:20:28

..he was a man.

0:20:290:20:30

That's it.

0:20:320:20:33

-APPLAUSE

-Great.

0:20:340:20:37

Ah, good. Well, shall we, er...?

0:20:370:20:39

That's it.

0:20:440:20:45

Oh! Not my first time handling a stiff.

0:20:510:20:55

Boarding school.

0:20:550:20:56

There, and that leaves 3 hours and 52 minutes.

0:20:570:21:01

Good. Er, could you, um, get the light, please, Mrs, um...

0:21:010:21:05

Cook.

0:21:050:21:07

Thank you.

0:21:070:21:08

Well, good night.

0:21:080:21:10

Shirley, did we decide to...

0:21:190:21:21

-Fuck off.

-OK, right.

0:21:210:21:23

Hope you don't mind a bit of spooning, pal.

0:21:260:21:28

HE SNORES

0:21:530:21:55

Night, Kath.

0:22:170:22:19

Kath?

0:22:190:22:20

You all right?

0:22:220:22:23

It's been a very moving service.

0:22:390:22:41

Even the wedding cake was in tiers.

0:22:410:22:43

Er, yes... Leanne has known Phil for 14 years now,

0:22:440:22:48

which is funny, because I don't remember her breaking two mirrors.

0:22:480:22:51

Shhh!

0:22:510:22:52

Oh, soz, mate, soz. I'm, er...practising me speech.

0:22:520:22:56

Oh... Getting a bit nervous.

0:22:560:22:57

Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine.

0:22:570:22:59

Big day for both of us, eh? What's your interview for?

0:22:590:23:02

Pharmaceutical development.

0:23:030:23:05

Oh, right.

0:23:050:23:07

The WHO are offering a sizable grant

0:23:070:23:09

for research into the degenerative effects of angina.

0:23:090:23:13

If my bid is chosen, it could be life-changing.

0:23:140:23:18

Yeah, that's exactly like me and my decorating.

0:23:180:23:21

When I give a quote for... well, back bedrooms, say,

0:23:210:23:25

I've got to think, you know, "What's the other fella coming in at

0:23:250:23:28

"and how can I undercut him without looking like a twat?"

0:23:280:23:30

Do you know what I mean?

0:23:300:23:31

Yes, it's...similar.

0:23:330:23:34

Well, good luck, pal. I hope you get it.

0:23:360:23:39

I'm optimistic.

0:23:390:23:41

My Auntie Gladys had acute angina.

0:23:410:23:44

Her tits weren't bad either. HE CHUCKLES

0:23:440:23:48

Hey, do you remember that, Kath?

0:23:500:23:52

K...Kath? Where's she gone?

0:23:520:23:54

TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH

0:23:540:23:56

Ah!

0:23:560:23:58

Ah! Scheisse!

0:23:580:24:00

HE FARTS

0:24:000:24:01

-You OK?

-Has anyone seen our Kath? She's just disappeared.

0:24:010:24:04

Get him off me!

0:24:040:24:06

Oh, Mann, ich muss scheissen.

0:24:060:24:08

Er, sorry, love, have you seen me wife?

0:24:080:24:10

-No, what's happened?

-She stopped this train!

0:24:100:24:12

She wouldn't do that.

0:24:120:24:14

-What are you doing?

-Ich muss scheissen!

0:24:140:24:16

-Do you need the toilet?

-Someone get him some paper.

0:24:160:24:19

-Ah, nein!

-HE FARTS

0:24:190:24:21

-Hold on!

-There's something on the tracks...

0:24:210:24:24

-Hey, that's our Kath's shoe box.

-What is it?

0:24:240:24:26

I can't... Looks like a body.

0:24:260:24:28

What? Who?

0:24:280:24:30

If she's jumped, we'll be here for hours.

0:24:300:24:32

BOWEL TREMBLE

0:24:320:24:33

-God, no!

-It's not her, is it?

-I can't see.

0:24:330:24:36

Of course it's her. The stupid cow's cost me my job!

0:24:360:24:39

Shut up, you! This is all your fault!

0:24:390:24:41

OK, keep still. Here it comes!

0:24:410:24:43

-SQUELCH

-Oh!

0:24:430:24:45

Stay away from me!

0:24:460:24:48

I can see they're bringing it out.

0:24:480:24:50

-Oh!

-Try and aim away from the dead man's face!

0:24:500:24:52

I can see blood!

0:24:520:24:54

So can I!

0:24:540:24:55

-Oh, you bastard!

-Leave me alone!

0:24:550:24:57

We're going to need a bigger box!

0:24:570:24:59

It's...it's a deer.

0:24:590:25:01

Les, what's happening?

0:25:040:25:06

And what is that smell?

0:25:060:25:07

You might need to get some new shoes.

0:25:090:25:12

Well, that was just a 32-minute delay.

0:25:210:25:23

Not too bad at all.

0:25:230:25:25

Try saying that to all the little fawns

0:25:250:25:27

who've just lost their mother.

0:25:270:25:28

I'm sorry, I don't speak deer. I'm not Dr Dolittle.

0:25:280:25:32

Well, you are to me.

0:25:320:25:33

Is he OK?

0:25:370:25:39

Yeah, he's just hosing himself down.

0:25:390:25:41

God, that was pretty traumatic.

0:25:410:25:43

Yeah, he must be mortified.

0:25:430:25:45

No, I meant for me.

0:25:450:25:47

I felt like Augustus Gloop.

0:25:470:25:48

Thanks for lending me the T-shirt.

0:25:500:25:51

No worries.

0:25:510:25:52

I don't know how I'm going to get it back to you.

0:25:540:25:56

Well...

0:25:560:25:58

where are you headed to next?

0:25:580:25:59

I thought I'd lost you there, Kath.

0:26:000:26:02

Don't be daft.

0:26:020:26:03

I'm not going to kill myself on the day of me daughter's wedding, am I?

0:26:030:26:07

You're feeling better about it now?

0:26:070:26:09

We've robbed that man of dignity in his final moments

0:26:100:26:13

and for that, I will never forgive myself.

0:26:130:26:15

You're not going to say anything, are you?

0:26:160:26:19

No.

0:26:190:26:20

But after the wedding,

0:26:200:26:22

I want you to find out who that man was,

0:26:220:26:24

where his family live, and we're going to go to the funeral.

0:26:240:26:26

-That's what I want.

-Right.

0:26:260:26:28

Who's paying for that?

0:26:300:26:32

Right, well, we're off.

0:26:320:26:34

-Enjoy the wedding.

-Oh, thanks, love.

0:26:340:26:37

Hey, it's at the Pavilion Hotel in Vallandry,

0:26:370:26:39

if you wanted to pop in for a drink.

0:26:390:26:40

Ah, no. I think we're going to go exploring, aren't we?

0:26:400:26:43

Yeah.

0:26:430:26:45

Can't wait to see those valleys.

0:26:450:26:47

Is someone going to...

0:26:470:26:49

Yes, I'll inform the guard. Nice to meet you.

0:26:490:26:52

-TANNOY:

-Mesdames et messieurs,

0:27:010:27:03

nous arrivons bientot a Bourg-Saint-Maurice...

0:27:030:27:06

Well, er... Good luck with the interview.

0:27:060:27:08

-Oh, thank you.

-I hope you get it.

-Yes, yes.

0:27:080:27:10

And if you ever need any decorating doing...

0:27:100:27:12

Ah, yes, I have your card.

0:27:120:27:14

PHONE RINGS

0:27:160:27:18

Hello?

0:27:180:27:19

-Come on, Les.

-Yes.

0:27:190:27:21

'This is Dr Maxwell?'

0:27:210:27:23

Yes, this is Dr Maxwell.

0:27:230:27:25

'I am your driver. I am at the car park.'

0:27:250:27:27

Ah, yes... We're just pulling into the station now.

0:27:270:27:30

Sorry about the delay.

0:27:300:27:32

'We're also waiting for the other candidate, a Dr Meyer.

0:27:320:27:35

'He's on the same train.'

0:27:350:27:37

Really? Well, I'll keep my eye open for him.

0:27:370:27:41

See you shortly.

0:27:410:27:42

I'm terribly sorry about all this,

0:27:440:27:46

but there really could only ever be one candidate for this grant.

0:27:460:27:49

Goodbye, Dr Meyer.

0:27:490:27:52

Ja?

0:27:520:27:53

-Bitte?

-Ich bin Dr Meyer.

0:27:540:27:56

Nein, nein, er ist Dr Meyer.

0:27:580:28:00

Nein, das bin ich.

0:28:000:28:01

No, no, Dr Meyer was in 9B...

0:28:020:28:05

Neun B...

0:28:050:28:06

I checked.

0:28:070:28:08

Ich kann uberall schlafen.

0:28:080:28:10

Vielen dank fur die Hilfe,

0:28:110:28:13

ich fuhle mich jetzt viel besser.

0:28:130:28:15

-Ach, gut, I...

-Ich habe heute ein wichtiges Interview.

0:28:150:28:19

Yes, so do I...

0:28:190:28:21

Ah, Dr Maxwell!

0:28:210:28:23

Sehr gut!

0:28:230:28:24

Unser Auto ist hier, ja?

0:28:260:28:28

Ja.

0:28:280:28:29

Also, wie sagt man auf Englisch?

0:28:290:28:31

"May the best man win"!

0:28:310:28:33

DR MEYER LAUGHS

0:28:330:28:36

TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH

0:28:390:28:42

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