La Couchette Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language.

-TANNOY:

-Bonsoir et bienvenue a bord ce train SNCF a destination de

Bourg-Saint-Maurice qui arrivera a sept heures quarante demain matin.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

-HE FARTS

-Schuldigung.

HE GROANS

HE COUGHS AND RETCHES

Ach, verdammter Mist!

Could you close the window, please?

-Eh?

-Schliessen Sie das Fenster, bitte.

HE COUGHS

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

MAN AND WOMAN MOAN WITH PLEASURE

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, de-da-de-da-de-da...

SERIES OF WET FARTS

HE WHEEZES

HE SNORES

Oh, it's here, look.

-Where?

-Here. Number nine.

-Oh, God, there's people in here already.

-So?

-They're asleep.

-It's a sleeper train.

What do you expect them to be doing? Playing ping pong?

Keep your voice down. Sorry.

-Er, I'll just put these away.

-Well, what about these?

Don't want them all creased up for the wedding.

Well, hang them up. Find the ticket, see which ones are ours.

ZIP BUZZES

ZIP SLOWLY CLICKS APART

Just get on with it, would you? I'm trying to sleep.

Yeah, sorry.

Here, they've got sinks for brushing your teeth -

but the water's brown.

I don't trust it.

-Which one's ours?

-I can't see.

-I'll put the big light on.

-Les!

-Oh!

I think it's these top two, but there's someone in that one.

Oh, you're joking...

Well, it's all right, we'll just take these two.

-No, I want to go on the top!

-Les, you're not six!

It's the only thing I was looking forward to.

What, more than your daughter's wedding?

Let's just wake him up.

No! I've already disturbed this gentleman.

We'll both go in this one, if you're that fussed. Be an adventure.

It's not The Crystal Maze, you know?

What did she want to get married in France for, anyway?

Could have had the back room at the Cheese for free.

Because she wanted to wake up in the French mountains, Les,

not in a pub garden in Bury.

They'd have put on a good spread.

And they'd have an artist on at the night do.

They'll do a good spread here.

You're in France, cuisine capital of the world.

Yeah, well, I'm not eating frogs' legs.

Oh, shut up about that. You have crab's dicks.

What?

You - you eat crab's dicks in the pub.

That's "crab sticks", you idiot. What's a crab's dick?

Well, I don't know. I thought they were big.

Would you be quiet, please?

Sorry, love. We're just sorting ourselves out.

Yeah... No...

Oh, me too, babe. I absolutely stink.

Haven't had a shower since Prague. SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, fuck knows.

Hold on...

I'll ask someone.

Excuse me, does anyone know what country we're in?

You're in France, love.

Oh, my God, we're in France!

What happened to Austria? SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, right...

Hold on, hold on...

I'm going to go out in the corridor.

Yeah, I'm in the, er, couchette.

No, it's like a room.

Yeah...

Basically a hostel on wheels. It's so fucked.

-No...

-Could you close the door, please?

Excuse me?

Excuse me!

Ridiculous!

-Come on, let's get undressed.

-Ah, yeah.

Oof!

Ow!

You...

What you doing? I can't...

I'm just trying to help!

Shh!

What are you doing? Get your head out!

It's no good. We'll have to wake him up.

No!

There's no room!

-Hey, excuse me.

-Was? Was ist...?

Er, you're in our bed.

-Huh?

-Er...you are in my wife's bed.

-Ja?

-Ja.

Is that OK?

Ja, warum nicht? Komm...

Oh, no, no, no, no, not with you. You have to go down.

Ja, das klingt gut, ja.

Don't give him any ideas.

No, er, here...

Er, er... 9D.

9D.

Sie sind in dem falschen Bett. Sie mussen bewegen!

Was hat das mit Ihnen zu tun, ha?

Sie haben die Fahrkarte!

Was fur einen Unterschied macht das? Ich bin schon im Bett!

Weil ich nicht schlafen kann!

We've started World War Three here.

Das ist lacherlich, verdammt lacherlich.

Hey, watch those suits, pal.

-The suits! Ignorant.

-Les!

Well, look at him - Barbapapa.

Thank you, sir.

We don't mean to cause a fuss,

but it's better to get it sorted, isn't it?

Look, I have a very important interview tomorrow morning.

We have 8 hours and 42 minutes

before we arrive in Bourg-Saint-Maurice.

I should like to spend the majority of that time sleeping!

Yeah, so would we. Sorry.

Go on, Les, shift yourself.

Oh, why do I have to go in? It's all sweaty and horrible.

The gentleman's just told you he's trying to get some sleep.

I'm going to hang these suits up first, aren't I?

Hey, hey, hey! These are for our daughter's wedding.

Verpiss dich!

HE FARTS Ah, you pig!

Oh, please!

-I'll be quiet now.

-Ah!

HE SNIFFS

Oh, it stinks!

Night-night.

Night-night.

INTERMITTENT BEEPS

Les!

I know, it's my travel alarm.

Turn it off.

Only lasts 30 seconds. Be over soon.

ALARM BEEPS RAPIDLY

Not long, now.

CONSTANT BEEPS

-Les!

-BEEPING STOPS

Told you.

Just down here.

Excellent.

This is actually much nicer than first class.

Seriously?

Yeah. It's a lot more real, if you know what I mean?

Here.

This actually reminds me of a hostel I stayed in, out in Phuket.

The toilets were disgusting.

I love all that shit. Have you done India?

Oh, yeah, it was awesome. I got hepatitis.

-Really? A or B?

-Only A.

-Oh.

Still, my friend Callum got typhoid in Mumbai.

His parents had to pay for an air ambulance to get him out.

It was like The Killing Fields.

Shit! Was he OK?

Yeah. He lost, like, 3st. He was really pleased.

He was a bit of a blob.

So, um...

What are your impressions of Europe, so far?

Oh, I just love all the history and buildings and stuff.

Mm, what have you seen?

Um, what's the one in Belgium, of the little boy with his dick out?

Le Mannekin Pis.

Er, designed by Hieronimus Duquesnoy in 1688, I think.

Yeah, I climbed over the railings

and got a picture of it pissing in my mouth.

Wow, you're so vile - I love you.

Well, if someone lends me their toilet paper, I'm anybody's.

-There's plenty more where that came from.

-THEY LAUGH

GROAN

Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting there's other people in here.

Shall we go to your carriage?

Er... No, actually, it's better here, yeah.

It's a right giggle.

It is now you're here.

Mmm, barbecue sauce.

So erm, how have you found the men, from country to country?

Not that I'm implying you're a slag. Or maybe you are.

I don't know?

No, I am. You could say I've covered a lot of ground.

Ah, OK. Who comes out on top?

Well, that depends

whether we're in the marshy wetlands or the arid desert.

Can't actually think of a desert in Europe,

other than Tabernas in Spain.

No, I meant up the shitter.

Right, good.

Are you much of an explorer?

Er, well... I can be quite adventurous.

Pot-holing in Derbyshire was properly intense.

So you're used to going in pretty deep, then?

-Ah, it depends how cavernous we're talking.

-Ooh!

TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH

Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

-HE YELPS

-What's the matter?

-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, my God!

What's going on?

He's dead!

Someone put t'big light on.

What's going on? Who are you?

I...I was just having a nightcap with...

Sorry, I forgot your name.

-Shona.

-Shona. When, er... this chap fell out of the sky.

Get out of my way. I'm a doctor.

Was ist passiert? Sind wir schon angekommen?

Dieser Mann ist aus dem Bett gefallen.

I thought he was very quiet.

Is he all right, bud?

He's dead.

Shittington.

He appears to have some sort of lesion or blister on his face.

Could be erysipelas.

Oh, God, sorry. No, that's...mine.

I'll just keep that, take that for later.

Fingers crossed, eh?

What do we do?

I'll go and find a guard. Everyone stay here.

Don't let anyone in or out.

HE COUGHS AND RETCHES

Oh, ich fuhle mich schrecklich.

-What's he say?

-I don't know, something about Shrek.

-Ah, I thought he looked a bit green.

-Oh, it was awful.

He was staring at me with these horrible glazed eyes.

Sorry, it's just my sex face.

Do you want to come up here, love, out of the way of it?

Yeah, thanks.

Right, well, I'd better be heading back to first class, so...

Oi, oi, hang on, pal. Hang on.

That fella said we've got to wait here till the guard comes.

-Oh, I just didn't want to get... Shirley?

-Shona.

Shona... Shona... into any trouble.

Late-night romps et cetera.

Is that what you were doing? In a room full of people?

I'm sure you would have just slept through it.

You know about that, Kath.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, what's he doing? Hey, hey! What's the idea, pal?

Ich suche einen Reisepass.

Here, get your fingers out of him.

Er muss ein Grossvater gewesen sein.

Oh, he had grandkids - look.

His poor family. They don't even know yet.

Hey, it's like we're the kids in Stand By Me.

Bags I'm River Phoenix.

Good film.

Couldn't find anybody. All the carriages are closed.

Oh, they're never around when you need them, are they?

There has to be someone - it's not Runaway Train.

Ich hatte einen Vorschlag. Warum benutzen wir nicht den hier?

Oh, vielleicht ist das nicht geboten.

Was meinst du mit geboten? Der Mann ist tot!

What are you saying? Speak English.

He's proposing we use the emergency stop.

Ja, genau.

Can I do that? I've always wanted to smash one of them.

Oh, don't cut your hands.

No, I won't,

cos I'm going to use one of your shoes.

Hey, I got them from Next!

I haven't got a ticket!

-What?

-Can't stop the train - I don't have a ticket.

I'm sort of a stowaway.

-Was ist los?

-Er hat keine Fahrkarte.

Tun Sie, was Sie wollen. Ich brauche mein Bett.

You told me you were in first class.

Sorry, I lied.

-I'm completely broke.

-You bastard!

So what, you just hang around the toilets,

waiting for an Australian slapper to offer you a bed, is that it?

Yeah, pretty much.

-Well, listen - I'm sorry, pal, I'm smashing it.

-Oh...

We've got a dead body here.

Well, I have to declare an interest.

Tomorrow morning, I have an interview

at the World Health Organization in Geneva.

What do you want, a round of applause?

Well, if we stop the train, there will be a major delay

and I will miss my appointment,

an appointment that it's taken me 18 months to arrange.

What are you saying here?

Well, this man has been dead for at least four hours.

Another three or four will not make any difference.

What, you want to just leave him there?

Well, I propose we put him back to bed,

continue the journey without delay and have the guards

find the poor gentleman first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh, that doesn't sound right.

Don't they have to examine the body, like a Quincy?

Exactly, yeah. They have to find out the cause of death.

Apparently, when you hang yourself, you get an erection.

Sorry, irrelevant.

There's nothing we can do for him. It's probably a heart attack.

It really would mean the world to me

if we could just finish this journey without interruption.

Sorry, am I going mad here?

Are you suggesting we all just bunk up with a rotting corpse,

so you can make your interview in the morning?

Yeah, it's ridiculous. Smash the glass, Les.

Right, er...

We have got our Leanne's wedding tomorrow.

I mean, what if he's right and we end up late?

Well, the day do's not until 12, we'll easily make that.

Will we, though? What if they don't let anyone off?

He rolled out of bed dead, it's not Murder On The Orient Express!

Oh, another good film.

I'm fairly confident that if we do alert the authorities,

we both will miss our respective engagements.

Exactly! Look, they'll find him in a couple of hours, anyway.

We'll be gone and that's that.

I have to say I agree.

Good. Well, I'll just explain the situation to our German friend,

so we're all on the same page.

Oh, come on, Kath. We've come all this way.

We don't want to let our Leanne down.

Will you give us a minute, please, love?

Sure.

Do you want a hand?

Are you still here?

Why don't you go back to first class?

Well, I thought, now that there's a spare bunk going,

I might as well get my head down for a couple of hours.

What?

Unless you want to pick up from where we left off?

That's been on a dead man's face.

Have some respect.

S...sorry. Too soon.

I can't believe what I'm hearing, Les.

I don't know who you are. Who are you?

Oh, look, I'm just a man who wants to walk his daughter

down the aisle on her wedding day.

Yeah, having slept with a dead body the night before!

Been doing that for the last 25 years.

It was a joke.

Oh, come on, Kath. If that Aussie bird hadn't've screamed,

you have slept through and been none the wiser.

We don't even know who the man is.

Makes no difference to us.

Imagine if that was you,

slung in a corner and ignored

because it's more convenient for everybody else.

Shame on you, Les Cook!

Yeah, do you not think you're overreacting?

No, I think I've just woken up.

-Ich hoffe, Sie fuhlen sich besser.

-Ja.

Is he all right?

Yes, just a little bit compacted, that's all.

Too much beer and bratwurst, probably.

That should get him moving again.

Now, I really do think we ought to put the cadaver

back where we found it.

Cadaver? He was a human being, you know?

-Sorry?

-He had a family.

He's not a piece of meat.

Ah, yes, of course... Would anyone like to say a few words?

Yeah, I would.

This man...

was a husband, a father and a grandfather.

He always had a smile for everyone...

and he had a wicked sense of humour.

Well, I mean... We don't actually know that.

I'm going by the picture.

Right.

He loved sitting in his green chair,

his family all around him.

Yeah, he loved to drink - who doesn't?

But the main thing is...

..he was a man.

That's it.

-APPLAUSE

-Great.

Ah, good. Well, shall we, er...?

That's it.

Oh! Not my first time handling a stiff.

Boarding school.

There, and that leaves 3 hours and 52 minutes.

Good. Er, could you, um, get the light, please, Mrs, um...

Cook.

Thank you.

Well, good night.

Shirley, did we decide to...

-Fuck off.

-OK, right.

Hope you don't mind a bit of spooning, pal.

HE SNORES

Night, Kath.

Kath?

You all right?

It's been a very moving service.

Even the wedding cake was in tiers.

Er, yes... Leanne has known Phil for 14 years now,

which is funny, because I don't remember her breaking two mirrors.

Shhh!

Oh, soz, mate, soz. I'm, er...practising me speech.

Oh... Getting a bit nervous.

Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Big day for both of us, eh? What's your interview for?

Pharmaceutical development.

Oh, right.

The WHO are offering a sizable grant

for research into the degenerative effects of angina.

If my bid is chosen, it could be life-changing.

Yeah, that's exactly like me and my decorating.

When I give a quote for... well, back bedrooms, say,

I've got to think, you know, "What's the other fella coming in at

"and how can I undercut him without looking like a twat?"

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, it's...similar.

Well, good luck, pal. I hope you get it.

I'm optimistic.

My Auntie Gladys had acute angina.

Her tits weren't bad either. HE CHUCKLES

Hey, do you remember that, Kath?

K...Kath? Where's she gone?

TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH

Ah!

Ah! Scheisse!

HE FARTS

-You OK?

-Has anyone seen our Kath? She's just disappeared.

Get him off me!

Oh, Mann, ich muss scheissen.

Er, sorry, love, have you seen me wife?

-No, what's happened?

-She stopped this train!

She wouldn't do that.

-What are you doing?

-Ich muss scheissen!

-Do you need the toilet?

-Someone get him some paper.

-Ah, nein!

-HE FARTS

-Hold on!

-There's something on the tracks...

-Hey, that's our Kath's shoe box.

-What is it?

I can't... Looks like a body.

What? Who?

If she's jumped, we'll be here for hours.

BOWEL TREMBLE

-God, no!

-It's not her, is it?

-I can't see.

Of course it's her. The stupid cow's cost me my job!

Shut up, you! This is all your fault!

OK, keep still. Here it comes!

-SQUELCH

-Oh!

Stay away from me!

I can see they're bringing it out.

-Oh!

-Try and aim away from the dead man's face!

I can see blood!

So can I!

-Oh, you bastard!

-Leave me alone!

We're going to need a bigger box!

It's...it's a deer.

Les, what's happening?

And what is that smell?

You might need to get some new shoes.

Well, that was just a 32-minute delay.

Not too bad at all.

Try saying that to all the little fawns

who've just lost their mother.

I'm sorry, I don't speak deer. I'm not Dr Dolittle.

Well, you are to me.

Is he OK?

Yeah, he's just hosing himself down.

God, that was pretty traumatic.

Yeah, he must be mortified.

No, I meant for me.

I felt like Augustus Gloop.

Thanks for lending me the T-shirt.

No worries.

I don't know how I'm going to get it back to you.

Well...

where are you headed to next?

I thought I'd lost you there, Kath.

Don't be daft.

I'm not going to kill myself on the day of me daughter's wedding, am I?

You're feeling better about it now?

We've robbed that man of dignity in his final moments

and for that, I will never forgive myself.

You're not going to say anything, are you?

No.

But after the wedding,

I want you to find out who that man was,

where his family live, and we're going to go to the funeral.

-That's what I want.

-Right.

Who's paying for that?

Right, well, we're off.

-Enjoy the wedding.

-Oh, thanks, love.

Hey, it's at the Pavilion Hotel in Vallandry,

if you wanted to pop in for a drink.

Ah, no. I think we're going to go exploring, aren't we?

Yeah.

Can't wait to see those valleys.

Is someone going to...

Yes, I'll inform the guard. Nice to meet you.

-TANNOY:

-Mesdames et messieurs,

nous arrivons bientot a Bourg-Saint-Maurice...

Well, er... Good luck with the interview.

-Oh, thank you.

-I hope you get it.

-Yes, yes.

And if you ever need any decorating doing...

Ah, yes, I have your card.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-Come on, Les.

-Yes.

'This is Dr Maxwell?'

Yes, this is Dr Maxwell.

'I am your driver. I am at the car park.'

Ah, yes... We're just pulling into the station now.

Sorry about the delay.

'We're also waiting for the other candidate, a Dr Meyer.

'He's on the same train.'

Really? Well, I'll keep my eye open for him.

See you shortly.

I'm terribly sorry about all this,

but there really could only ever be one candidate for this grant.

Goodbye, Dr Meyer.

Ja?

-Bitte?

-Ich bin Dr Meyer.

Nein, nein, er ist Dr Meyer.

Nein, das bin ich.

No, no, Dr Meyer was in 9B...

Neun B...

I checked.

Ich kann uberall schlafen.

Vielen dank fur die Hilfe,

ich fuhle mich jetzt viel besser.

-Ach, gut, I...

-Ich habe heute ein wichtiges Interview.

Yes, so do I...

Ah, Dr Maxwell!

Sehr gut!

Unser Auto ist hier, ja?

Ja.

Also, wie sagt man auf Englisch?

"May the best man win"!

DR MEYER LAUGHS

TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH