The 12 Days of Christine Inside No. 9


The 12 Days of Christine

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:070:00:14

MAN AND WOMAN LAUGH

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-Come on, put it in!

-I can't. I can't!

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-I can't do it.

-Don't, you're dropping me!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Ah!

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KEYS TURN IN LOCK

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SHE LAUGHS

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I've got it, I've got it.

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Is that a proper fireman's lift?

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I dunno, I'm not a proper fireman.

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Uh, have you got something to drink?

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Probably, have a look in the fridge.

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Oh, don't touch anything with Fung on it!

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What?

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She's my flatmate. She labels everything.

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Fung? What's that, it's Chinese?

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Shh, don't say her name, she might appear.

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She's been in bed since 9 o'clock.

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Oh, well, they have a different New Year to us, don't they?

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Yeah, she won't be out till February.

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-Is that when it is?

-Yeah, I'm a dog, apparently.

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-Oh, I've seen worse.

-Oi!

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Ow!

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Sorry.

0:01:220:01:23

I thought you were going home with John Lennon, anyway.

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He wasn't John Lennon, he was Harry Potter.

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Mm, Harry Potter, was he?

0:01:320:01:35

Yeah, well, I think so.

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It was just a pair of round glasses though, weren't it?

0:01:370:01:39

Did he show you his wand?

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No, because I told him I wanted to see the fireman's pole.

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I'm...

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My name's Adam, by the way.

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-If you're interested.

-Sorry.

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-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-I'm Eve.

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-Really?

-No, I just wanted to say that.

0:02:050:02:08

I'm Chrissie, Happy New Year.

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Happy New Year. Where's your toilet?

0:02:130:02:15

-It's down the corridor.

-Right.

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I'm going to go and...

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Ah! ..unravel my hosepipe.

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Oh, ho-ho. Don't have it on sprinkle.

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THEY LAUGH

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PHONE RINGS

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Ooh!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Hello?

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ADAM: 'Hi, sexy. Did you get my valentine's card?'

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No, not yet, but the post hasn't been. Did you get mine?

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'Yes, probably somewhere in this pile here.'

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-Ha-ha.

-'Ah!'

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What time are you picking me up?

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'Erm, 7-ish? Do you want sex then meal or meal then sex?'

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-Erm, how about sex, meal, sex?

-SHE CHUCKLES

0:02:570:02:59

'That depends, is The Grudge going to be in?'

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Er, I'm not sure. I'll get back to you with that information.

0:03:020:03:06

-'Is she there?'

-Yes.

-'All right, I'll call you later.'

-Mwah.

-'Bye-bye.'

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Hey, Fung.

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Good morning.

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What have you got on today?

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I have a seminar this morning and another seminar this afternoon.

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-More maths?

-Mm. Continuous quantity, yes.

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-Oh.

-METALLIC NOISE

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Sounds complicated.

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Not necessarily.

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Well, it depends on your approach to measurable magnitudes.

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Right.

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Like you have been going out with Adam for 13 months...

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-Mm.

-..which is one year and one month.

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Now, this is referred to as a portable vector.

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Oh, my God, how weird.

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Well, not really, it's number theory.

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No, I...

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I've been, I've been sent a valentine's card

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from my ex-boyfriend.

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Well, maybe he still likes you?

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I haven't seen him since I was 12, I barely remember him.

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"Roses are red, violets are blue What is that smell? I need a poo."

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His sense of humour hasn't changed much.

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I wonder how he got my address?

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Right, I need to go to my seminar.

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I won't be back until 7.30 if you want to have sex with Adam.

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Oh...

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Thank you.

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MARION LAUGHS

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Do you remember your teddy, Christine?

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I'll bring it along next time.

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Oh, she had a lovely peachy bottom, Adam.

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Look at that.

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Ah... Her lovely peachy bottom.

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Yeah. Mum, stop now. You're embarrassing Adam.

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No, love, I'm embarrassing you. Right, well, shall I be Mother?

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Yes, why not. It is Mother's Day.

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Oh! HE LAUGHS

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Who's that?

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Yes, that, that was...Christine's first boyfriend.

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Such a shame he...he died when he was just 16.

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Did he?

0:05:100:05:12

Yes!

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He got...

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(Leukaemia.)

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She's got a memory like a sieve, but she's done well with you, Adam.

0:05:200:05:26

You're smashing, though you could do with getting a haircut.

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Mum!

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So when are you going to marry her?

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SHE SPLUTTERS

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Erm...

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Oh, my God.

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Well, you've been courting for two years.

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I was married with a daughter by then.

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Yeah, so we're not all like you, Mum.

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I have my career to think about.

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Career? Huh, measuring feet in Clarks

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is hardly a career, Christine.

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Thank you very much, Mum.

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All I'm saying is your father would like to walk you down the aisle...

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..while he still can.

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-Would anybody like a biscuit?

-Yes, please.

-No, thanks.

0:06:060:06:08

-OK.

-Oh.

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Mum, just stop it, all right!

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Look, there's nothing wrong with getting married.

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-Sh, sh!

-Your generation seems to think it's old-fashioned.

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It's not. It's a commitment.

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We don't even live together yet.

0:06:260:06:28

Exactly! That would be a start.

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Look, it's not going to happen, so stop going on about it, OK?

0:06:310:06:34

-I don't even know if Adam's really...

-Chrissie?

0:06:340:06:37

Where shall I put my CDs?

0:06:370:06:39

Er, here?

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My... So much stuff.

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Yeah, there's plenty more.

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You're not regretting it, are you?

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-No.

-Sure?

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Fung's moved out now so someone's got to pay the rent.

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-Ah.

-So...

-So.

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Right.

0:07:010:07:02

Don't be long.

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-I've got a surprise for you when you get back.

-Oh!

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DOOR CLOSES

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Well...

0:07:100:07:11

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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MUSIC: Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman

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Shit!

0:07:520:07:53

Adam?

0:07:530:07:55

Adam, what are you doing?

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This isn't funny, Adam.

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EGG SPLATS

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SHE GASPS

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RATTLING NOISE

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DOOR CREAKS

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SHE GASPS

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SHE SIGHS

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ZIP UNFASTENS

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I'm sorry.

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SHE GASPS

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What? What?

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No. Oh!

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-Horrible dream.

-Ah.

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ALARM CLOCK BEEPS

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-Oh, get the alarm, would you?

-Yeah.

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Oh, come on, darling. You're going to be late for work.

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-It's a bank holiday, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah.

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But I'll have a cup of tea now you're up.

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Oh, OK.

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Oh, what shall we do today?

0:09:340:09:37

Erm...insert groove dowel pins into B1 and B2.

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I thoug...I dunno what they are.

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They look like that, they look like little maggots.

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Right, erm...

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OK.

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-Er...

-And then what?

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Er...align sliding panel AB alongside bar EF.

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-We've already done that.

-OK.

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Insert rod into top pole until base connects.

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Isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place?

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HE PANTS

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SHE CRIES Oh, hey, hey, don't cry.

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What... What are you worried about?

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I don't know, I just...

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What?

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I don't want the baby to spoil everything.

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Well, it's not going to do that.

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How would it do that?

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BABY CRIES

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BABY CONTINUES CRYING

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No. Ah!

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'Hey, hey, hey, hey. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, what's this noise?

0:10:480:10:53

'Shh, shh, what's all this noise?

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ADAM SINGS: # 'Time to say goodbye

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# 'Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do... #

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-MAN'S VOICE:

-'Come on, little man, let's get you out of there.'

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Jack! Jack.

0:11:110:11:13

Jack?

0:11:150:11:16

Adam?

0:11:170:11:18

Adam! Someone's taken Jack!

0:11:190:11:23

What are you doing?

0:11:230:11:24

-SHE PANTS

-Wha...? I heard somebody talking.

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Yeah. Yeah, it was me.

0:11:290:11:31

-I know...

-I'm trying to get him to sleep.

-It wasn't you. I...

0:11:310:11:34

Shh, calm down, calm down. You'll set him off again. Hey, come on.

0:11:340:11:37

Hey, oh, there we go.

0:11:390:11:40

All right? You're just overtired. Come with me.

0:11:430:11:47

BABY WHIMPERS

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-MARION:

-Open your eyes!

0:11:540:11:55

ALL: Surprise! THEY LAUGH

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One big puff.

0:11:590:12:01

Ah.

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Ah! Happy birthday!

0:12:020:12:04

Ah, thank you.

0:12:040:12:06

Oh, my God.

0:12:060:12:08

Hi, Dad!

0:12:090:12:10

Oh, he's been so excited all week, haven't you, Ernie?

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Well, he...he did know he was coming, but I think it's gone again.

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I shouldn't have brought him, really.

0:12:220:12:24

No, I'm glad he's here.

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He wouldn't want you to remember him like this.

0:12:260:12:29

Happy birthday, dear. Bet you can't guess what these are.

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But they didn't have them in my size.

0:12:340:12:36

Well, someone rang Ipswich and got them DHL'd.

0:12:360:12:38

Oh, my God, you shouldn't have! Ah, thank you so much!

0:12:380:12:42

Two words - staff discount.

0:12:420:12:45

Where's Adam?

0:12:450:12:46

I don't know, actually. Mum, where's Adam?

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I'm not sure, he said he'd be here.

0:12:480:12:50

DOOR OPENS

0:12:500:12:52

Hi, darling, happy birthday!

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Ah...

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Hi, Zara.

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Happy birthday, Chrissie. You look...fab.

0:13:000:13:03

Ah, I don't, but thanks anyway.

0:13:030:13:05

No, I'm sure you've lost a bit. Yeah, turn round.

0:13:050:13:08

Yeah, you...you definitely have.

0:13:130:13:15

It's only baby fat, it'll be gone soon enough.

0:13:160:13:20

Well, he's hardly a baby, he's two now.

0:13:200:13:22

Where is he?

0:13:220:13:24

Erm, he's just having a nap, how was your work do?

0:13:240:13:26

-Yeah. We, well, we popped our heads in, didn't we?

-Yeah.

0:13:260:13:28

Just to schmooze a few clients.

0:13:280:13:30

ADAM CHUCKLES

0:13:300:13:31

Hi, Bobby.

0:13:310:13:33

Hi, Adam. Um...

0:13:330:13:35

Ah, this is Zara. She's just started under me.

0:13:350:13:38

Mm, has she?

0:13:380:13:39

Adam.

0:13:450:13:46

-My dad's here.

-Yeah.

-Go and say hello.

0:13:470:13:49

Yeah, I'll just get some drinks first.

0:13:490:13:51

Right then, come on, Chrissie. It's THAT time.

0:13:530:13:56

No, Mum, please.

0:13:560:13:58

No, no, it's tradition.

0:13:580:14:00

-No, I...

-Every birthday since she was six,

0:14:000:14:03

we've played blind man's buff.

0:14:030:14:05

-No, not every birthday.

-Yes, we have.

0:14:050:14:07

Though last year it was more blind drunk buff.

0:14:070:14:11

Excuse me, I wasn't there.

0:14:110:14:13

She said 'buff', not 'poof'.

0:14:130:14:15

Oh, she's always enjoyed party games, haven't you, love?

0:14:150:14:19

Now, the first person you catch can give you your main present.

0:14:190:14:26

Now, you come and spin her, Bobby.

0:14:280:14:30

Oh, my pleasure.

0:14:300:14:32

One, two, three and...off you go.

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Er!

0:14:360:14:38

Argh!

0:14:410:14:42

HE SCREAMS

0:14:520:14:53

Dad, sorry, sorry, sorry! Sorry, sorry.

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SHE GIGGLES

0:15:020:15:04

SPRINGS SQUEAK

0:15:040:15:07

SQUEAKING INTENSIFIES

0:15:170:15:20

HE PANTS

0:15:340:15:35

I can't get the case to close. You're going to have to take something out.

0:15:350:15:38

Well, you always pack the cases.

0:15:380:15:40

Erm, look, you don't need these shoes, do you?

0:15:410:15:44

No, they're my birthday shoes Bobby got me last year.

0:15:440:15:47

-I've barely warn those.

-Well...

0:15:470:15:50

We can't take all of these toys then.

0:15:500:15:52

No, no, he won't sleep without them.

0:15:520:15:54

Well, just make him choose one. You're too soft on him.

0:15:540:15:58

It's his holiday too.

0:15:580:15:59

-It wasn't meant to be.

-Don't start.

0:16:010:16:03

It was supposed to be just me and you.

0:16:030:16:06

A chance to get away from this miserable flat for a while.

0:16:060:16:09

-Yes, well, I'm very sorry that my dad died.

-Oh...

0:16:090:16:11

I couldn't get my mum to take him now, could I?

0:16:110:16:14

-I'm not saying that.

-Then what are you saying?!

0:16:140:16:16

I just wanted it to be fun...

0:16:160:16:18

..like it used to be.

0:16:200:16:21

Well, that's just life, Adam. We're doing what other people do.

0:16:210:16:26

We're going on holiday as a family.

0:16:260:16:27

Yeah? Well, I can't fucking wait. Get the passports.

0:16:270:16:30

What day is it today, Jack?

0:16:460:16:47

The first of September.

0:16:470:16:50

And what's happening today?

0:16:500:16:52

I've got school.

0:16:520:16:54

Right. Come on then. Grandma's going to walk you down.

0:16:540:16:58

I want you to take me.

0:16:580:17:00

Erm, I can't, darling, Mummy's got to work.

0:17:000:17:04

But I'll be there when you finish, OK?

0:17:040:17:06

You are going to have a brilliant day.

0:17:060:17:08

I am so, so proud of you.

0:17:080:17:11

Ah, right. Now, come on, don't let's be late for our first day.

0:17:130:17:19

All right. Come on. You're going to show me the way.

0:17:190:17:23

Now, you, come on, then let's go and find this lovely new school.

0:17:230:17:27

This is going to be fun.

0:17:270:17:29

-Yes.

-DOOR CLOSES

0:17:290:17:31

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:17:360:17:38

Come on, Chrissie, don't upset yourself.

0:18:160:18:19

I just didn't...I didn't think it would turn out like this.

0:18:200:18:23

Well, I never thought I'd end up walking into the garden centre

0:18:250:18:29

and peeing on the hydrangeas, but there you go.

0:18:290:18:32

But you weren't well, it wasn't your fault.

0:18:320:18:35

And this isn't yours, darling girl.

0:18:350:18:38

Isn't it? Adam's left me, Jack's left me.

0:18:380:18:44

Only till 3 o'clock.

0:18:440:18:45

I know but I'm...

0:18:450:18:48

I'm 32, divorced and working in a shoe shop with my gay best friend.

0:18:480:18:53

It's hardly the Cinderella story, is it?

0:18:530:18:56

Hey, come on, enough of that nonsense.

0:18:560:18:59

It's Jack's first day at school.

0:18:590:19:01

This is meant to be a happy memory.

0:19:010:19:03

I'm sorry, Dad, it just doesn't feel like that.

0:19:030:19:07

DOOR BELL RINGS

0:19:080:19:11

Bobby, can you get that?

0:19:120:19:14

I can't, I'm putting my contacts in.

0:19:140:19:16

Oh!

0:19:160:19:17

DOOR BELL RINGS

0:19:170:19:19

Hi.

0:19:230:19:24

-ADAM: 'It's me, can you buzz me in?'

-And you're late.

-'Thanks.'

0:19:240:19:27

Come on, Bobby. Come on, Adam's arrived.

0:19:320:19:35

You ready?

0:19:350:19:36

What'd you think?

0:19:360:19:38

Are those the contacts or just your eyes?

0:19:380:19:40

Contacts.

0:19:400:19:41

Oh, it's good. What are you, a zombie waiter?

0:19:410:19:44

Oh, piss off, Chrissie, I'm meant to be a vampire!

0:19:440:19:46

Oh, right!

0:19:460:19:47

Right, well, I'm turning it into a werewolf.

0:19:470:19:50

I've got teeth here somewhere.

0:19:500:19:52

So, erm, is your new fella going to be there?

0:19:520:19:55

He's not me new fella, be quiet.

0:19:550:19:58

You want him to be though, don't you?

0:19:580:20:00

I've...only seen his picture on a website.

0:20:000:20:02

It's fancy dress, how are you going to know it's him?

0:20:020:20:05

He's going to have an alien bursting out of his chest.

0:20:050:20:07

And er, did you just say you're going as yourself?

0:20:070:20:09

-Ha-ha.

-DOOR CLOSES

0:20:090:20:12

Jack's in his bedroom.

0:20:120:20:15

You got some explaining to do.

0:20:150:20:17

DOOR CLOSES

0:20:170:20:19

Do I look hairy enough?

0:20:190:20:21

-You look like Tony the Tiger.

-Oh...

0:20:220:20:24

Come here.

0:20:240:20:25

I'll turn it into a cobweb.

0:20:270:20:29

-Mm, do you remember when I first moved in here ten years ago?

-Uh-huh.

0:20:310:20:34

And I was living with that, what was her name, Fung?

0:20:340:20:37

Oh, my God, The Grudge, that would have been a good one.

0:20:370:20:40

THEY CHUCKLE

0:20:400:20:41

Do you remember we said that if neither of us

0:20:410:20:44

met someone in ten years, we'd get married to each other?

0:20:440:20:47

Ah, you're not that desperate, are you, babe?

0:20:470:20:50

No, I was thinking, you know, it's funny how things turn out.

0:20:500:20:54

Ah...

0:20:560:20:58

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:20:580:20:59

Oh, trick or treaters. Go on, give 'em a scare.

0:20:590:21:03

Grr.

0:21:030:21:04

THEY LAUGH

0:21:040:21:06

You could have told me the lift was broken. I'm knackered!

0:21:120:21:15

Jack? Jack!

0:21:180:21:20

I've got him, I've got him.

0:21:230:21:25

I've got him, got...

0:21:250:21:27

No, just get back here as quickly as you can, will you?

0:21:270:21:32

OK, thanks.

0:21:320:21:33

Here you go, darling. Here.

0:21:330:21:36

Keep it there. OK, it's going to sting a little bit,

0:21:370:21:39

but just keep it under there. I'm just going to ring Daddy.

0:21:390:21:43

-ADAM: 'Hello?'

-Jack's had an accident.

0:21:430:21:45

-'What?'

-He's...he's all right, but he's burnt his hand on a sparkler.

0:21:450:21:49

'Ah, OK, OK. Erm... Well...'

0:21:490:21:52

Can you just come round please? I need you.

0:21:520:21:53

-'OK, I'm on my way.'

-Thanks. He's probably fine, I'm just...

0:21:530:21:56

I'm overreacting.

0:21:560:21:58

I've seen too many public information films.

0:21:580:22:00

-Oh, Christine.

-He's in the bathroom.

0:22:000:22:02

My mum's here now anyway so...

0:22:020:22:03

'I'll be there in five minutes, OK?'

0:22:030:22:05

-OK.

-'Hang on. I love you.'

0:22:050:22:08

Mum! Mum, is he all right?

0:22:150:22:18

Yes, yes, he's fine.

0:22:180:22:22

There's not a mark on him.

0:22:220:22:24

Look.

0:22:240:22:26

But no, he was crying.

0:22:260:22:29

Well, you probably frightened him.

0:22:290:22:33

Jack, Jack, go and watch the fireworks.

0:22:330:22:35

You can see them out of your window.

0:22:350:22:37

I saw him pick up a sparkler, he burnt his hand.

0:22:370:22:39

I...saw it.

0:22:390:22:41

But he can't have. There's nothing wrong with him.

0:22:410:22:44

You did, when you were his age...

0:22:440:22:48

Burnt right through your mittens.

0:22:480:22:50

Do you remember?

0:22:500:22:51

Well, maybe you were thinking of that?

0:22:530:22:56

Let me get you a cup of tea.

0:22:560:22:58

I don't know what's wrong with me, Mum?

0:23:040:23:07

I'm getting everything jumbled up.

0:23:070:23:10

Well, put your hat on then.

0:23:100:23:12

What?

0:23:130:23:15

Put your hat on.

0:23:150:23:17

That's better.

0:23:190:23:20

Right, why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

0:23:200:23:24

-Oh.

-They always drop their needles.

0:23:240:23:26

-ERNIE:

-Terrible.

0:23:260:23:28

Well, you never did have a sense of humour, did you, Ernie?

0:23:280:23:30

Oh, I don't know, I married you, didn't I?

0:23:300:23:33

THEY LAUGH

0:23:330:23:34

Dad, are you all right?

0:23:340:23:37

Yeah, yeah, I'm tickety-boo.

0:23:370:23:40

I had to be here for this, didn't I?

0:23:400:23:42

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

0:23:420:23:44

Are you all right, love? Well done on all this, it looks gorgeous.

0:23:440:23:48

Just like you.

0:23:480:23:50

Well, I did the Brussels sprouts.

0:23:510:23:53

-Yes, and we'll be hearing from them later.

-Oh, dear.

0:23:530:23:56

Wha... Where's Jack?

0:23:590:24:01

Er, he's just getting his outfit on for the Nativity.

0:24:010:24:03

Aw, bless him.

0:24:030:24:05

Adam, are...are we back together?

0:24:050:24:08

Yeah. Course. You remember Bonfire Night last year?

0:24:080:24:12

-I think it's time for the present.

-Oh!

0:24:140:24:17

No, I don't want the present.

0:24:170:24:20

Yeah, come on!

0:24:200:24:22

-ERNIE:

-This is from all of us. We all contributed.

0:24:240:24:27

I hope you like it.

0:24:270:24:28

Oh, no. Is that me?

0:24:490:24:53

Yes!

0:24:530:24:55

Oh, gosh!

0:24:580:25:00

-Oh!

-SHE CHUCKLES

0:25:020:25:04

Oh, the cot! Do you remember that?

0:25:070:25:10

-We couldn't put it up, could we?

-Yeah, it took us three days.

0:25:100:25:13

THEY LAUGH

0:25:130:25:15

Ah, look at...

0:25:150:25:18

Tony Tiger.

0:25:180:25:19

This is amazing. You've got everything.

0:25:220:25:26

This is like my whole life is flashing...

0:25:270:25:30

Oh...

0:25:400:25:41

I think I know what this is now.

0:25:440:25:46

WHEELS SQUEAL

0:25:460:25:48

LOUD CRASH

0:25:480:25:49

SIRENS WAIL

0:25:490:25:51

CAR RADIO PLAYS Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman

0:25:510:25:55

SAW BLADE GRINDS

0:26:140:26:15

OK, Fire Brigade. Can you hear me?

0:26:360:26:39

MUFFLED SPEECH

0:26:390:26:42

I don't know what's wrong with me, Mum.

0:26:560:26:58

I'm getting everything jumbled up.

0:26:590:27:01

She's got a memory like a sieve.

0:27:020:27:05

He wouldn't want you to remember him like this.

0:27:050:27:08

Well, that's just life, Adam.

0:27:090:27:12

ERNIE: This is supposed to be a happy memory.

0:27:120:27:14

Jack!

0:27:250:27:27

Mummy's going now.

0:27:290:27:31

Oh, no, I don't want to.

0:27:330:27:36

It's my fault.

0:27:430:27:44

I just stepped out into the road. I wasn't looking.

0:27:440:27:47

Erm, I managed to get the kid out but I couldn't get to her.

0:27:480:27:52

Sorry.

0:27:520:27:53

Come on, Jack.

0:27:580:27:59

It's time, Christine.

0:28:130:28:16

MUSIC: Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman

0:28:220:28:25

Goodbye, everyone.

0:28:400:28:42

I love you.

0:28:440:28:45

# Quando sono solo sogno all'orizzonte

0:28:450:28:48

# E mancan le parole

0:28:480:28:51

# Time to say goodbye

0:28:510:28:58

# Paesi che non ho mai

0:29:000:29:07

# Veduto e vissuto con te

0:29:070:29:12

# Adesso si li vivro

0:29:120:29:15

# Con te partiro... #

0:29:150:29:19

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