Empty Orchestra Inside No. 9

This programme contains very strong language

MUFFLED MUSIC THROBS THROUGH WALLS

MUFFLED LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

SUIT LEGS RUB TOGETHER NOISILY

MUSIC: Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners

# Going to hum this tune forever! #

MUSIC: Don't You Want Me by The Human League

Testing...

Hello?

-MIC WORKING:

-Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Testing...

Testing...

# You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

# When I met yo-ou

# I picked you out and shook you up and turned you around

# Turned you into someone new

# Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet

-# Success has been so easy for you

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

# But don't forget it's me who... #

Shit! Nearly snapped my hair off!

# And I can put you back down, too

-# Don't... Don't you want me? #

-Not dressed like that.

# You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

# Don't... #

Don't! # Don't you want me?

# You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

# Much too late to fi... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

Wooo! # Don't you want me, baby? #

Eh, it's nice, isn't it?

Well done, Greg!

# Don't you want me, baby?

# Don't you want me Oh...oh...oh...

# I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

# That much is true... #

Help me put this up, love.

# But even then I knew I'd find a much better place

# Either with or without you

# The five years we have had have been such good times

# I still love you

# But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own

# I guess it's just what I must do

-Greg?

-# Don't...don't you want me? #

Bloody hell!

# You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

# Don't, don't you want me?

# You know I don't believe it when you say that you don't need me

# It's much too late to find, when you think you've changed your mind

# You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

# Don't you want me, baby? #

Hi, everybody!

# Don't you want me? Oh-oh-oh-oh...

# Don't you want me ba... #

FUZZY, TINNY BASS NOTES

FUZZINESS FADES TO QUIET, MUFFLED BASS NOTES

Woo! Have you not got a costume?

CHEERING

Is this yours, Rog?

# Don't you want me, baby? # Woo!

Hey, do you like it, Rog?

Yes. I thought it'd be a bit bigger.

That's what I keep saying to Greg!

It's not the size of the boat, Fran, it's the motion of the ocean!

CONNIE AND GREG: # Don't you want me, o-o-o-oh!

# Don't you want me, baby? #

Woo!

# Don't you want me, o-o-o-oh! #

-Wooo!

-Yeah! Cheers, everyone!

-There you go, Rog...

-Oh, cheers!

And Fran put that up for you.

"Cuntgrotalaions."

Eh?

Well, that's your bloody fault! It's meant to say Congratulations.

Yeah, I worked that out.

Anyway, to Roger!

Hope you remember us all now you're heading up to the sixth floor.

-Oh, don't start!

-Yeah, to...

-to Roger!

-To Roger!

-Cheers.

-Hey!

-They're not planning any more lay-offs, are they, Rog?

-Greg, you know I can't divulge that.

Hey, no shop-talk, remember!

Tonight is about fun!

-Yeah.

-So, who's next?

Oh, will you put me down, Greg?

Oh, thought you'd never ask(!)

For a song I mean, what's he like?

Oh, don't get him to choose, you'll be waiting for ever.

Yeah, I have chosen, Connie.

Well, which one?

Dee, dee, da, da, da!

-MUSIC: Saturday Night by Whigfield

-Woo!

It's not just going to be one song after another, is it?

You not drinking, Janet?

Duane's getting me one.

Is he? Mind he don't slip you a roofie!

Come on, Jan!

# ..like you, baby

# I'll make you mine... #

-On your feet, Roger!

-# You know I'll take you to the top... #

-Come on!

-I don't know it!

-You'll pick it up.

-# ..I'll drive you crazy

# Saturday night, yes, I like the way you move

# Pretty baby

# It's party time and not one minute we can lose

# Be my baby... #

I know you've been waiting on that Butler contract, Roger.

I'll have it to ya on your desk first thing Monday morning...

-What?

-# ..be my baby... #

-Ho!

-CHEERING

Where've you been?

Had to see a man about a dog, innit?

Cheese and rice, bruv, what have you come as, Blobby Williams?

They told me it was Gangnam Style.

OK, peeps - listen up.

It's party time,

so that means it's time for Duane's Famous Pills Roulette!

CHEERING

Inside, there's one ecstasy,

one Viagra, one ketamine,

one paracetamol, one laxative

and an orange Tic-Tac.

Could I please have the paracetamol?

Look, I'm sorry, Mr C, it's pot-luck, I'm afraid.

That's the way to do it. Straight down the hatch.

Oh, I hope I don't get the ketamine again, it gave me really hard poos.

Are you sure it wasn't Viagra?

CONNIE CACKLES

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

WHIGFIELD: # Saturday

# Saturday night, Saturday

# ..urday, Saturday

# Saturday night, Saturday night

# Saturday, Saturday

Woo!

# Saturday night, Saturday night

# Saturday

# Saturday

# Saturday night, Saturday night

# Saturday, Saturday night... #

Bit limited, these lyrics, aren't they?

-# Saturday... #

-You all right, mate?

Yeah, yeah. I'm shitting myself I got the laxative.

Well, I'm ain't changing your nappy!

GREG BLOWS A RASPBERRY

# Saturday, Saturday

# Saturday night... #

Right, we need more drinks!

# Saturday, Saturday... #

Jesus, he blows hot and cold.

And which way do you blow?

-Not yours!

-Ow!

# Saturday, Saturday night

# Saturday night

# Saturday, Saturday Saturday night... #

FRAN CONTINUES SINGING

TRACK ENDS

Oh, thank God for that!

-BOTH:

-Wooo!

I smell like a meat pie. So, who's next, then? Connie?

No, not me, I'm tone deaf. No offence, Janet.

Sorry? Did you say something?

No.

Have you seen this?

She's all over him like clingfilm on a buffet.

Oh, she's just letting her hair down.

I know she's disabled and everything, but I can't stand her.

-Why?

-Well, she knows that everyone feels sorry for her and she uses it.

How do you think she got that PA job?

I was surprised it wasn't you, Connie.

No, I'm not saying THAT, but...it's interesting, innit?

I bet she's not being laid off any time soon.

Who's being laid off? What have you heard?

Oh, nothing! This is a private conversation.

-We're just having a bit of craic.

-Yeah.

Don't go poking your nose into other people's craics, Greg.

MUSIC: Wham Rap!

OK, peeps, let's do this.

Let's learn how to rap like a white man.

CHEERING

Wooo!

# You got soul on the dole

QUIET, MUFFLED BEATS

BEATS RESONATE MORE STRONGLY

# Hey everybody, take a look at me

-# I've got street credibility... #

-Uh-uh, no, you haven't!

# I may not have a job but...

BEATS THUD

# I said a DHSS

# And the rhythm that they're giving is the very best... #

Hey!

SINGING CONTINUES

# You're more dead than alive in a 9-5

# Then they say you've got to go, and "Get yourself a job!"

# Or get out of this house!

# Get yourself a job # Are you a man or a mouse?

# A finger in each ear you pretend not to hear

# You gotta get some space Get outta this place

# Wham bam, I am a man

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not... #

Hey, that's Duane's phone! What you doing?

# Don't stand there and rot

# In the streets, in the cars In the underground

# If you listen real hard you can hear the sound

# A million people switching off for work

# Well, listen, Mr Average You're a jerk

-# Not me!

-You can't hold me down

-# Not me!

-I'm going to fool around

# Going to have some fun look out for number one

# You can dig your grave I'm staying young

# Wham bam, I am a man... #

Let me get that for you!

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not

-# Do you enjoy what you do? #

-Hey, shots! Thanks, Rog!

# If not, then stop

# Don't stand there... #

Yeah, go on, Greg!

Er... # If you're a pub man or a club man

# Maybe a jet black guy with white cool cat... #

Oh, I can't do it, it's too fast!

It's not a competition!

# Make the most of every day

# Don't let hard times stand in your way

# Give a wham, give a damn

# But don't give a damn cos the benefit gang are going to pay

# Now, reach up high and touch your soul

# The boys from Wham will help you reach that goal

-# It's going to break your momma's heart

-So sad!

-# It's going to break your daddy's heart!

-Too bad!

# But you'll throw the dice and take my advice

# Cos I know that you're smart

-# Can you dig this thing?

-Yeah!

-# Are you going to get down?

-Yeah!

-# Say Wham

-Wham!

-# Say bam...

-Bam!

# Wham bam, I am a man

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not

# Do you enjoy what you do?

# If not, just stop

# Don't stand there and

# Wham bam - I am a man

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not

# Do you enjoy what you do?

# If not, just stop

# Don't stand there and rot! #

-Woo!

-Thank you!

Thank you!

Right, who's next?

Me!

It's my party and I want some rock!

I'll... I'll get some more beer.

-Let me help you with that, Rog...

-No... No, no, no.

-Do you want me to show you how it works or something?

-No, I know what I'm doing.

I just want to pick something that I can really go for.

What are you doing?!

It's my eczema. It flares up when I'm stressed.

Oh, great, so I'm shagging the Singing Detective(!)

So, have you made your choice?

No - can't decide between The Birdie Song and Wind Beneath My Wings.

You know what I mean! Between me and Fran!

Connie, I can't get into that now.

The future's precarious enough!

What do you mean?

GUITAR RIFF PLAYS

What's got into him?

Dunno, maybe he got the E.

He has to sack one of us.

What?! How do you know?

I just do!

Do you know who it is?

No...

but I think we can find out.

# I get the same old dreams same time every night

# Fall to the ground and I wake up

# So I get out of bed, put on my shoes, but in my head

# Thoughts fly back to the break-up

# These four walls are closing in

# Look at the fix you've put me in

# Since you've been gone Since you've been gone

# I'm outta my head Can't take it

# Could I be wrong? But since you've been gone

# You cast the spell so break it

# Whoa

# Whoa-oa

# Whoa

# So in the night I stand beneath the back street light

# I read the words that you sent to me

# I can take the afternoon, the night-time comes around too soon

# You can't know what you mean to me

# Your poisoned letter Your telegram

# Just goes to show you don't give a damn!

# Since you've been gone Since you've been gone

# I'm outta my head Can't take it

# Could I be wrong But since you've been gone

# You cast the spell, so break it... #

All right?

Tripod alert.

# Whoa-oh-oh... #

Well, at least we know who had the Viagra.

-There was no Viagra. They're all just Tic-Tacs!

-What?

Oh, what... What, cos I'm black, I must be a drug dealer?

But I thought I was starting to feel a buzz.

Yeah, a sugar rush!

# If you will come back, baby you know you'll never do wrong

# Since you've been gone Since you've been gone

# I'm outta my head Can't take it

# Could I be wrong, but since you've been gone... #

What is it?

Oh, had a good look, have you?

Sorry, Rog, it was on the floor.

Fuck it, I don't care.

It's my divorce papers.

Mary's leaving me, everyone.

I thought I was a happily married man till four o'clock on Friday.

Turns out I'm not.

Oh, Roger, I'm so sorry.

We had tickets for Whitesnake in June.

Royal Albert Hall.

Private box...

Ah...

Oh...

Steady on, Rog, you're, er, stabbing me a little bit.

What's happened?

Don't make him repeat it, for God's sake!

You can SEE he's upset!

Have some sensitivity for once in your life!

Come on, Roger.

So we still don't know who he's going to sack.

No, it's just divorce papers.

Someone put another song on!

Look, we've paid for the hour. Let's not all get bummed out!

It's all right, it's not that bad, Roger. Yeah?

Yeah, you've got... You've got that promotion coming up.

It's a fresh start. New horizons.

Yeah?

I suppose so.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

And, look at it this way...

You ain't signed them papers yet.

Yeah? So you've still got time to talk her round. Yeah?

Thanks, Duane.

That's it.

# Nothing is so good it lasts eternally... #

Well done, Fran(!)

# Perfect situations must go wrong

# But this has never yet prevented me

# From wanting far too much for far too long

# Looking back I could have played it differently

# Won a few more moments, who can tell?

# But it took time to understand the man

# Now, at least I know I know him well

-# Wasn't it good?

-Oh, so good

-# Wasn't he fine?

-Oh, so fine

# Isn't it madness

TOGETHER: # He can't be mine

# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me

# More security...

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

# I know him so well

# No-one in your life is with you constantly

# No-one is completely on your side

# And though I'd move my world to be with him

# Still the gap between us is too wide...

# Looking back I could have played it differently

# Learned about the man before I fell

# But I was ever so much younger then

# Now, at least I know I know him well

-# Wasn't it good?

-Oh, so good!

# Wasn't he fine?

# Oh, so fine!

TOGETHER: # Isn't it madness, he won't be mine!

# Didn't I know

# How it would go

# If I knew from the start

# Why am I falling apart?

# Wasn't it good?

# Wasn't he fine?

# Isn't it madness he won't be mine?

# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me

# More security

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

# I know him so well

TOGETHER: # It took time to understand him

# I know him so well! #

Fran... Sorry, Fran, can I have a word?

All right, now please, don't overreact.

He's not going to tell her now, is he?

I dunno. He's pissed enough.

Ah, poor Fran.

Still, at least we won't have her beady eyes on us at work every day.

Oh, God, I'm so relieved. I thought it was going to be me.

Maybe you should give her her notice as well?

Give her a fresh start. That's what she deserves.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Can I help you, Janet?

Are you OK?

Yeah, it's just...so out the blue.

Yeah, I know, I apologise for that,

but circumstances got out of my control.

And I can't change your mind?

I'm afraid not. But you know, you've got Greg.

He'll help you through it.

I'm sorry.

I'd like to sing a song.

This is a request for someone very special.

They know who they are.

And in answer to your question, yes, I do. Very much.

# Looking from a window above, it's like a story of love.

# Can you hear me? #

No!

# Came back only yesterday, I'm moving farther away

# Want you near me

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew

# Only you

# Sometimes when I think of her name

# When it's only a game

# And I need you

# Listen to the words that you say

# It's getting harder to stay

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

# ..love you gave

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

# ..needed for another day

MUFFLED

# ..I ever knew... #

BACKING TRACK STOPS

Duane, what?

I didn't send you that text. Connie did.

Yeah, as a joke!

I don't understand.

Look, that was a shitty thing to do.

Yeah, all right, Duane, don't make it any worse.

How could it be worse?

Look, Janet, I really like you, we have a laugh, but not in that way...

It's fine... I don't...

I just thought you'd make a lovely couple, that's all.

- Oh, fuck off! - All right.

All right, can I just have a word before things get too heated?

Are you all right, Janet?

That wasn't nice, Connie.

Now then, there's been a lot of rumours flying around

the office about voluntary redundancies and...it's true.

I was charged with the unhappy task of letting one of you

good people go.

I want you to know I fought tooth and nail with management over it,

until they promoted me.

Now I AM management, so...I've no choice.

Somebody has to go, to balance the books.

And the person I've decided is going to leave the company...

..is me.

With Mary gone, I'm going to start over.

I've a brother in Florida I don't see much of,

so I'm going to head out there.

But that means I'm going to need a replacement.

And the person I've decided to recommend to the board...

is Fran.

I can't think of anybody better to take the team forward.

I know you and Greg are hoping to tie the knot,

so hopefully this will help send you on your way.

Thanks, Roger.

Congratulations, babe. Incredible!

Can we start looking for a bigger flat now, please?!

Yeah, definitely!

Well done, Fran.

Thanks.

Yeah, "cuntgotalions".

LAUGHTER

Er, we've booked this room. Sorry.

I don't think so, darling, we've got this till half past.

Well, it's nearly half past now, isn't it?

So we don't mind you joining in, do we, girls?

No, I...I'm not quite sure there's enough room for...

So you're buying a bigger flat, are you?

What? No, of course not!

I had to say that, didn't I, otherwise it'd be suspicious.

Just wait until the dust settles and then I'll tell her tomorrow.

I promise.

I am never letting you go.

# But I can't hear a word you say

# I'm talking loud, not saying much... #

-Hey, you're in there, Rog!

-No, she's half my age.

So? Women like a silver fox. Go for it!

Maybe I will. I wonder if she's into Whitesnake.

I'm going to ask her.

No Fran, no!

# I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose Fire away, fire away... #

Are you still here, Janet? I thought you'd have slunk off by now.

Why don't you sing us another song? You've got such a nice voice.

What's that?

Why don't you ask Greg?

Oh, don't worry, I will.

And, by the way, I've had a little chat to Fran.

And her new PA job, guess what? She wants someone with skills.

Someone who can hear!

I've got skills, Connie.

SHE CHUCKLES

I can lip read.

# Cut me down, but it's you who have further to fall... #

What's going on?

# Ghost town and haunted love

# Raise your voice

# Sticks and stones may break my bones

-# Talking loud, not saying much... #

-All right, babe?

You're fired! Both of you!

# I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose Fire away, fire away

# Ricochet, you take your aim Fire away, fire away

# You shoot me down, but I won't fall

# I am titanium!

# You shoot me down, but I won't fall

# I am titanium!

# I am titanium!

# I am titanium!

# Stone heart, machinegun

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

MUSIC FADES

THUDDING HEARTBEAT

# ..I won't fall

# I am titanium... #

# Cut me down

# But it's you who'll have

# Further to fall

# Ghost town and haunted love

# Raise your voice

# Sticks and stones may break my bones... #