Once Removed Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yes?

-Hello.

Looking for a Mrs Falsham.

Yes, that's me. What do you want?

-Handle Me Gently.

-Sorry?

The removals company - Handle Me Gently. I'm Spike.

We spoke on the phone?

-That's right, yes.

-Yes, right.

So through here, is it?

Yes, but we're not quite...

No, no, this way.

You're a bit of a mouthful, aren't you?

-The name, I mean, of your company.

-Oh, yes. It's my boss's idea.

He wanted to call us Van Man Style

but I managed to talk him out of that.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Funny.

Well...

..these are all the things I want to be moved, all of this,

and, well, everything, really because that's what happens

-when you move, isn't it?

-That's the idea.

Some people do leave a little something for the people

that are moving in.

-You got a buyer yet?

-Not yet.

Some people leave a bottle of champagne, you know.

Lawn mower.

I know a couple that found a cardboard box on the kitchen table.

Inside the box was a paint pot.

Inside the paint pot was a human turd.

So, you know, people are funny, aren't they?

What do we have here? This is breakables, is it?

Yes, that's right. All...

..broken.

OK, I'm going to have to make a note of this.

Of course.

SHE WEEPS QUIETLY

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

No, it's all right, I'm just...

It's all been a bit trying.

It's one of the most stressful things, isn't it? Moving house.

People often say that but, according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale,

the top three are - death of a spouse, divorce and imprisonment.

-Moving home's only number 32.

-Oh, well, that's something.

And erectile dysfunction isn't even on the list.

So I don't know what her problem is.

I'm just getting it out there, you know, talking about it.

It's no biggie.

Evidently not.

-So, lived here long, have you?

-In this house? Yeah, yonks.

Yonks and yonks.

-How long is a yonk? Often wondered.

-Yeah, that's a good question.

I don't know actually.

Oh, here's my husband, he might know. Darling, how long is a yonk?

-A what?

-A yonk.

Sorry, this is Spike from Squeeze Me Tightly.

-Handle Me Gently.

-All right.

He was wondering how long a yonk is?

Er, it's short for donkey's years, isn't it?

Yeah, that would make sense.

Are you all ready to move house, darling?

Well, the cakes are still in the oven

so if Spike could come back another time.

Yes, we're making cakes for whoever moves in. Aren't we?

We decided against pooing in a paint pot.

-What?

-I'll show you out.

Mrs Falsham, I don't think you understand.

We work on allocations only.

If I don't fill your slot today,

it might be weeks before I can get up again.

-Of course. Spike has erectile dysfunction.

-Really?

-I'm sorry, is there a problem here?

-No!

We're just a normal family moving house.

-What's going on?

-Oh, it's all right, Dad, go back to bed.

I can't sleep my stomach's playing up.

Why are you dressed like a tart?

And what's Richard Stilgoe doing here?

I'm not taking any of those lyrics, Stilgoe!

So you can shove your roller skates up your arse, do you hear?!

-He thinks he's Andrew Lloyd Webber.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Wha...? What's that racket?

-Sorry, it's my phone.

-Come on, come with me.

-Don't touch my penis!

Did you see that, people?

He's trying to play me like a cello!

STOMACH GURGLES

Oh, my God!

-What's wrong? Are you OK?

-I'll get a towel.

Argh!

SHE SCREAMS

-Argh!

-Jesus Christ!

SQUELCHING

I can explain.

Ah, Julian, there you are.

-You took your time.

-Sorry.

Couldn't find any cocoa, she's packed everything away.

I hope she hasn't touched my bloody piano.

I didn't see it.

-Why aren't you wearing any clothes?

-I've just been doing some painting.

Here.

Oh, God! It's too hot!

My mouth is not asbestos, you know.

-Sorry.

-Ooh, I had a good bit of news this morning.

Roger has agreed to do Aspects.

-Roger?

-Roger Moore.

James Bond in one of my musicals.

How about that then? Hm?

HE CHUCKLES

I hope he can sing.

That's great news.

Well, tell your face.

What's the matter with you?

Sorry, it's been a long day.

Have your cocoa.

You're my son, aren't you?

You're not Julian Lloyd Webber at all.

That's right.

And I have a daughter, don't I?

Yes.

That's good.

Well, you two must look after each other.

-I won't be here forever, you know.

-I know.

Don't worry, Dad. Have your cocoa.

It'll be cooler now.

DOORBELL

What now?

If that's Julie Covington, tell her it's too late.

I've already offered the part to Elaine Paige.

Sorry.

Not interrupting anything, am I?

No, no. I was just upstairs with Dad.

-Andrew Lloyd Webber?

-Yes.

-Bless him.

He's really far gone now, isn't he?

Yes, yes. He's got no memory.

-Other than the one from Cats!

-Exactly.

Is Natasha in? I'm a good friend of hers, I live just down the lane.

No, she's not here at the moment.

-She's just picking up the removal man.

-Oh, I see.

Does he not have his own transport?

The removal man?

Yes, yes. He's just got lost.

I was going to say. It would be quite a slow move!

Natasha's been talking a lot about you, the mystery man.

-All good I hope.

-Yes. She seems very much in love.

I hope you'll take good care of her.

I will.

Anyway, I don't want to keep you. I only popped round to return this.

-You know what she's like about people borrowing things.

-Yes.

She didn't speak to Mrs Granger from months over that quiche plate.

So I believe.

SHOUTING

I'd better...

Wait there.

-What's wrong?

-It's that bloody cocoa. It doesn't agree with me.

Just try to keep your voice down.

I haven't felt this bad since the press night of Love Never Dies.

Shit.

Looks like the removal van.

Listen to me bitch, you do exactly as I say.

Hello? Anybody in?

Sorry I'm late.

Hi. Hugo Brevington JSQ.

I had a message from the lady of the house saying she was going to let you in.

-That's right, yes.

-Well, here are the property deeds.

You can peruse these at your leisure as and when.

Headlines are, four-bed farmhouse.

Two outbuildings with planning pending.

Country kitchen with a five-door Aga. Period features.

-Don't know if you're arsed.

-Not really.

-No, me neither.

Obviously in need of a lick of paint.

You can see they've made a start already,

but, to be perfectly honest with you, it will be sold before that's dry.

Is your wife able to view today? I'd strongly recommend it.

She's actually looking at some other properties at the moment.

-Which ones?

-Not Pennington Lane?

It's sinking.

It'll be a basement in two years, but you didn't hear it from me.

So have we got the deal? Are we rocking?

-Well, I haven't really looked around it yet.

-Absolutely. Be my guest.

Any questions, don't hesitate. I will leave you alone.

Thanks.

Storage.

Lovely door action there.

No lock. Very free and easy.

Imagine coming down those stairs every morning.

Cup of coffee. Dog padding through with the paper.

Wife, smell of bacon.

Cooking it, she doesn't smell of it.

-I'm vegetarian.

-Me too. Good call, we will live longer my friend.

Let them choke on their sausages, eh?

Well... Thanks very much.

One second. I've got the call coming through.

Hello.

Really? That is very interesting,

because I've got a gentleman here at the property at the moment.

Well, let me relay that to him.

What's happened is, someone's put an offer in.

Not asking price but close to, and the vendor is considering it.

Now, we have a window of five minutes if you want to secure this...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

That's weird. I was just talking to someone. What's happened there then?

Hello?

Hi, Mum.

I can't talk right now. I'm with a client.

Anything. I'm not fussed.

All right, then, biryani. Stop...

I don't know. Lamb.

I've got to go. I'll speak to you later, OK. Bye.

So like I say, it's deal or no deal.

-I'll think about it.

-Please.

Please, I need this sale.

I just need to get something up on the board, that's all.

Get over this dry patch. How about it? I feel like we've connected.

-I mean, for fuck's sake, a five-door Aga.

-OK.

-What?

-OK, I'll buy it. What's the asking price?

-860.

-Fine.

I'll go and speak to my mortgage provider.

You have saved a man's life today. You will not regret this.

And as a thank-you gesture, I have permission from the vendor

to throw in all these items of furniture.

-Well, that's not...

-I think you just lost this sale.

Argh!

-Come out of there!

-No, leave me alone.

Listen up.

-I just want to talk to.

-I don't believe you.

You killed Mrs Falsham.

Do you have any idea how that's going to affect the asking price?

Look, Hugo.

There's no lock on this door. You just told me that.

Please.

Let me go home.

My mum's ordered me biryani.

Come out, then!

I'm not going to hurt you. I promise.

Hello! Sarah? Water's getting cold!

Not another one.

Sarah?

Is that you?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the great Julian Lloyd Webber

come to see his older brother.

Now look. I've already given you the theme to the South Bank Show.

-That's all you're going to get out of me.

-Who the fuck are you?

You know damn well who I am, Julian.

Come on now. Help me out of this bath.

All right. Fine.

And then I'll make you a nice cup of cocoa.

Warm you up.

Are you in yet, Daddy?

All right, all right, don't rush me.

Just let me know when everything's under the bubbles.

Oh, good grief.

That reminds me, I must get some sun-dried tomatoes.

-Now, is there anything else I can do for you?

-No, thank you.

-I am not an invalid.

-Right.

Well, I'm going down to finish the packing.

You remember we're moving the furniture today.

What bloody furniture?

Who are you anyway?

I'm Natasha, Daddy. I'm your daughter.

Don't be ridiculous! You're far too old to be my daughter.

You better get out of here before Sarah gets back.

-She's auditioning for Hot Gossip today.

-Daddy, listen.

I know you won't understand but I have to tell you something.

Charles and I are moving to Portugal.

You remember Portugal?

We had that holiday there when I was a girl.

Yes, yes. Albufeira.

That's right. Well...

We need to get away.

Make a fresh start.

We've found a lovely home for you not far from here.

There's lots of people there with your....

Well...

Who I'm sure you'll get on with.

I won't share a room with Tim Rice.

No, you get your own room.

The problem is, I won't be able to contact you.

That's the deal.

Because Charles and I...

Well, let's just say it'll be better all-round if we disappeared.

Right.

Have you finished?

-Yes.

-Oh, good. Go on, get out.

Close every door to me.

Hugo, it's Natasha.

I'm just checking you're your way over for the viewing.

Like I say, I've got someone who's very interested.

I'll let them in if they get here before you.

And I hope you don't think I'm being patronising,

but please try not to appear so desperate.

It's very off-putting.

You were sweating so much last time you looked like Lee Evans at the O2.

Anyway, I'll see you shortly.

And just so you know, my father's in the upstairs bathroom,

so you might want to warn them about the whole Andrew Lloyd Webber thing.

OK, bye.

Oh, good. You've made a start. Spike, isn't it?

-Erm...

-You're Spike from Handle Me Gently? We spoke on the phone.

-That's right, we did.

-Good.

So I've managed to fill most of these boxes

but there are a few more breakables to go in.

-You can bubble wrap them, can't you?

-Yes.

-Very good.

Can I take your jacket?

-Would you like a cut of tea?

-No, thank you.

So you live here?

This is your house?

Yes. Though, not for much longer. Obviously.

It can get quite isolated.

But I've been very lucky with my neighbours.

That's good.

So do you enjoy doing removals?

I wouldn't say I enjoy it but...

Thanks.

-..someone's got to do it, haven't they?

-Yes.

I'd hate to do it on my own.

I just try to make it as painless as possible.

For everyone involved.

-I meant to ask you, do you do disposals as well?

-Can do.

Because I'm not taking the tumble drier

so it'll need driving to the tip.

I'll take care of everything. There won't be any loose ends.

-What a professional young man you are.

-I do try.

Argh!

Oh, no. Have you burned yourself? Agas are terrible for that.

Here, run it under the tap.

-Argh.

-I can get you some anti-septic cream.

-No, it's all right. I'll use this.

-Honestly, it's no bother.

I have to keep my medical box handy

as I've an elderly father who's very accident prone.

In another life I could have been a nurse.

There's something very satisfying about taking care of people.

-Don't you think?

-Absolutely.

Hello? Anybody in?

Sorry I'm late.

Sod it.

DOORBELL

May. What are you doing here? I thought you had to stay in today.

I know. I'm sorry but I need to talk to someone or I'll go mad.

-Of course. Come in.

-Thanks.

I know you're busy with the move and your dad and everything.

It's all right. Come through.

So what's happened?

It's Charles. I think he's having an affair.

Charles?

Yes.

I bought him some cufflinks for his birthday.

I can't even remember when it is now.

-What?

-Charles's birthday.

It's May, isn't it?

That's right.

So I wrapped them up and hid them in one of the drawers

of the utility room and that's when I found this.

"She knows about our affair."

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

But he's been behaving so strangely,

it makes perfect sense.

All those conferences in Dusseldorf,

he never once brought me back a bratwurst.

Look, darling, you can't be worrying about sausages.

I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

And this isn't even Charles's handwriting.

How do you know?

I can tell.

Just from the birthday and Christmas cards he's written me

over the years.

I didn't think of that.

And if you're that worried about it,

ask him about it tonight

when he gets home from work.

You mustn't bottle it up,

that's the worst thing you can do.

Thanks, Natasha.

You're such a dear friend.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Now, come on, you should get back home.

I'd hate for you to miss that package.

You're right. It's probably my overactive imagination.

Sarah! These pyjamas are leaking again.

I think we should send them back.

Look, I've got to go. I'll need to put him in the bath.

Of course, you go.

I'll let myself out.

Thanks.

Goodbye, May.

Of course, you go.

I'll let myself out.

Hello?

Charles?

Why are you calling from the landline?

I told you not to use it.

Is everything all right?

It's May, isn't it?

What about May?

She's not been round, has she?

I told her she had to stay in for a delivery.

She knows about our affair.

Why? What did you say?

Natasha, are you still there, darling?

Tell me what she said.

Natasha!

Look, darling, you can't be worrying about sausages.

What? What are you talking about?

Listen, I know this is stressful but we just have to hold our nerve.

In about half an hour she'll be out of our lives for good.

The man I'm using is very professional.

He comes highly recommended.

You just make sure you're with your estate agent so you've got an alibi

and when the police come round and say there's been a murder,

you can prove exactly where you were.

Look, I'm going to go.

I'm in a meeting. I love you.

I'll see you in Portugal.

Natasha?

Goodbye, May.

What?