To Have And To Hold Inside No. 9

I'm back.

You were a long time.

It's market day.

It was busy.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-Who was that?

-I don't know, they hung up.

Is that the one Cil and Dave bought you for Christmas?

Mm, yeah, it's a mystery puzzle.

Murder on the Green.

There's a booklet which sets out the story,

but the picture on the box bears no resemblance to the actual jigsaw,

so...you're working in the dark, to some extent.

Quite a challenge.

Sounds like fun.

Well, I enjoy it.

I got your Pot Noodles, do you want them downstairs?

Oh, no, just leave them there, thank you.

I don't know why you like these.

Well, they're easy for when I'm working.

Are you working this weekend?

Yes, St Margaret's, I think.

So I wrote my vows last night for the renewal ceremony.

-Oh, yes?

-Yeah.

Would you like to hear them?

OK, fine. I was stuck on this bunker anyhow.

Lend me your readers.

Adrian, today I give to you a new affirmation of love from the heart

that has adored you for 20 years,

and will love you for as many more as God allots to it.

-Oh, I think that's...

-We have been through a lot together

and, through all those times,

I can honestly say I loved you every step of the way.

I hope you will say I do,

and we can enjoy 20 more passionate and loving years together.

-What do you think?

-Yeah, it's great.

A tiny bit long...

-What d'you mean?

-No, it's perfect, thank you.

Well, you need to get on and write yours,

I don't want you making it up on the day.

Oh, I've already done it.

Really? Can I hear it?

-Why?

-Because I don't want to be surprised, ruin my £200 make-up.

-How much?!

-Just read it to me, please.

OK.

Right. "I, insert name," -

presumably that's my name, so that's Adrian, obviously -

"I declare that I know of no legal reason why we may not

"register as partners.

"I understand that, on signing this document, we will be

"forming a civil partnership with each other."

-Civil partnership?

-Yeah. Is that not right?

-I took it from a website.

-What website, lesbianweddings.com?

Does it really matter, Harrie?

You know that I love you, and I know that you love me.

There's no need to spend a fortune on a party to prove it.

We don't have to invite anybody, it's not about that.

I'd be happy doing it with just me and you

and a ring pull from a can of diet Pepsi.

They don't do ring pulls any more, for health and safety reasons.

You know what I mean.

You spend all that time downstairs,

working on other people's wedding photos,

touching them up, making them look perfect and shiny and new.

That's what I want for us, for our marriage.

I want us to be...

-Touched up?

-Frankly, I do.

We haven't...

Yes, well...

I will give it some proper thought, I promise.

PHONE RINGS

I'll get that.

Hello? No.

Wrong number again.

Adrian?

What are you doing up?

Looking for you. It's three in the morning.

-I had a bad dream.

-What, John Prescott and the Creme Eggs again?

No, that was just when I was doing the Atkins.

I wish you wouldn't go through my stuff.

-So how bad is it?

-Well, you can see for yourself,

we are behind with the mortgage, all the bills are red.

Well, everything's red down here, darling.

It's not funny, Harrie.

I'm supposed to be the provider and that's another thing I failed at.

What do you mean?

Your frozen eggs.

My weak sperm.

Rachel, if it had been a girl, Levi for a boy.

I never would have allowed Levi.

It's a good Biblical name.

That's as may be, but people think of jeans.

I think I'll have to give up the photography and get another job.

No, you mustn't do that.

We'll move, we'll get a...

-smaller house.

-No.

-I don't mind.

-I'm not making you leave this house.

I could always...

I could go back to Osborne's.

Mm, it's a possibility.

Could you turn the light off, please?

Does he still work there?

I'm not sure.

I, I think he's got a new position.

Yes, I remember you telling me.

-I meant in the company.

-Yeah, I know what you meant.

You'd have to trust me, Adrian.

I always did,

"forsaking all others", remember?

You were very absent at the time.

You were off playing happy families

with a different couple every weekend.

It was my job. You make me sound like a swinger.

Well, you were very flirtatious with the women.

Oh, to get good pictures out of them, that's all.

-What about Agnes?

-Who?

Our cleaner.

-She left because you were coming on to her.

-I wasn't coming on to her,

I was trying to get her to clean under the toilet rim.

Besides, there's a difference between flirting with someone

and sucking them off in the Wolverhampton Ibis.

Once, Adrian, one time!

And it was a Premier Inn.

Look, we've been through this, I was very unhappy, and very...

..isolated, and I made a huge mistake and I am so, so sorry.

Please.

So that's what all these phone calls have been about, is it?

You're back in contact?

Only with Sue.

Only with Sue.

-You followed me.

-20 years, Harrie.

It was just about work, I swear, I knew we needed the money...

I see, so that's why you wanted to renew your precious vows, was it?

-You have to believe me!

-Give yourself a clean slate?

-No!

I love you, Adrian. I do.

But you won't let me in.

I'm sorry.

Come to bed.

OK, I'd better clean this up first, I won't be long.

Careful.

Mr...

..Shafter?

Yes.

Dick Shafter?

-That's right.

-If you'd like to follow me?

I'm Nurse Honeypot, and I'll be taking care of you today.

How's your temperature?

Fine at the moment.

But I am getting a little bit hot.

Let's just loosen this.

It's a new shirt, shall I, shall I do it?

Yeah.

Sorry.

-Have you been drinking?

-Just a glass.

Come on,

take your trousers off, and we'll see what happens

if we apply some oil.

Careful, Harrie, it's going everywhere!

-It doesn't matter.

-Yeah, but you say that, but it's going to stain.

Just let me quickly get a wet cloth.

Leave it, Adrian, it's all right, sit down!

I've got a feeling you're not very comfortable doing this.

I am, it's just awkward, I can't think of anything to say.

You don't have do, it's not Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Just...

relax.

-Do you want a cushion for your...

-Yeah.

-..knees?

Shoe's come off.

OK.

How's that?

Is that nice?

Yes.

Good.

Let Nurse Honeypot use her magic fingers.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Shall we go upstairs?

No.

Would you like to take a shower together?

Not really.

-What do you want to do?

-It's not you, it's me. I just, I can't.

Oh, fine.

It's really good of you to suggest all these things, Harrie, but...

..I think I'm a bit old for role-play.

Well, what do you like, Adrian?

And what is this?

I haven't died yet, I want us to do things together,

while we still can.

DOORBELL

Oh, shit! I totally forgot,

I've got a couple coming to look at their wedding pictures.

-Ah, saved by the bell, eh?

-What d'you mean?

You knew full well they were coming round, you had it totally planned!

Course I didn't! Now, please, go and get changed.

-Hello! Hi, Max. Hi, Hannah.

-Hello.

Nice to see you again.

Come through, I'll just go and get your contact sheets.

Aha. Oh, hello, I'm Max, this is Hannah.

-Hello, there.

-Ah, the happy couple.

Hmm. Would you like a drink?

Er, no, thank you, a bit early for us.

I just got back in from work.

Oh.

Are you a nurse, by any chance?

I work in a mortuary.

-Oh...

-I handle corpses.

Isn't that right, Adrian?

Here we are, then, if you'd like to take a seat.

It was a lovely day, I seem to remember.

-It was, we were very lucky with the weather, weren't we?

-We were.

-Where did you get married?

-BOTH: St Margaret's.

Oh, that's nice.

We just did a boring registry office, didn't we?

Yeah, it's called a register office, and I wouldn't say it was boring.

I wanted to renew our vows.

-20 years.

-Oh, wow, well, we've managed 20 days.

They said it wouldn't last, so...!

It turns out we couldn't afford it, though, could we, Adrian?

I shot a couple of rolls of colour, but mainly black and white.

Oh.

Oh, that's amazing of the doves, look at the wings.

Oh, yes!

-Very artistic.

-I wanted doves, but Adrian said he was allergic.

No, I didn't.

Two grey pigeons, we had, outside a council building.

Well, they're really good.

Yeah. He's great with other people's marriages. The best.

Why don't we leave you to look at these in peace?

-Come on, Harrie.

-Oh, now you want to touch me?

Stop it!

Is there any way we could look at these, um...

Take them home and look at them, maybe?

Yes, that's probably best, isn't it?

I'll scan them onto a memory stick for you and drop it round.

Thanks, that, er... We'll speak soon.

Nice to meet you.

You've got a lovely house.

-Sorry about that.

-That's all right, we'll speak soon.

OK. Nice to see you, bye.

For God's sake, Harrie, they're clients!

I'm your wife! I bet you'd like to put me on a memory stick.

-What does that even mean?

-I'm going upstairs, alone, as per.

-I'll be up in a minute.

-Huh!

Chance'd be a fine thing!

I made you a beef and tomato.

CHAIN CLINKS

Try not to spill it.

Mm, so, which one shall I open first?

-This one.

-Mm, I think I can guess what this is,

unless I've just broken it.

Oh, wow!

Flying Scotsman, I am going to be a busy boy.

I wanted to get you one of those mats where you roll it all up

and you can take it with you, but they didn't have any in stock.

Oh, never mind. We never go anywhere, do we?

As you're always telling me.

No, no, it's super, thanks, darling.

I thought we could do this one together,

seeing how it's so big.

Oh, God, I've dragged you down to my level, have I?

No, I genuinely want to, honestly.

What next?

Here.

-This is just a joke.

-OK...

Oh, ho, ho, Bombay Bad Boy!

I've not tried one of these, I'll have that later, thank you.

This is your main present.

-Hope you'll like it.

-Mm, good things come in small packages.

It's not a bill, is it?!

-What's this?

-A trip to Paris.

-Paris?

-Yes, only for a week, six nights.

I just thought it'd be really good for us to get away.

Something different. The City of Light.

I see.

How long ago did you build that darkroom of yours?

-Eight years?

-Nine.

Exactly.

It's about time you came up for air.

I've missed you.

-So when are we going?

-This afternoon.

I've booked a taxi.

My God, you're very good at keeping secrets, aren't you?

You're not mad?

No, no, no, but what about your work?

-They'd never let you have the time off.

-No, they were fine about it.

I did have to...

run it by you-know-who, but he couldn't really say no, could he?

No, I suppose not.

Six nights.

Right, well, I'd better go and sort some things out.

I don't even know where my passport is.

It's all right, I found it downstairs.

-What d'you mean?

-It was just in a drawer.

Don't worry about it, everything's sorted!

And I've got my mum and dad coming to house sit while we're away.

What?! No, no, you can't!

Someone's got to water the plants, haven't they?

You don't want to come home and find everything dead.

Shit, shit, shit!

You haven't seen my keys, have you?

-What?

-Keys! My darkroom keys!

What about the counter? In the kitchen?

I thought we could go and visit those catacombs.

You've always wanted to see them, haven't you?

Did you get any insurance?

-What?

-For the trip, in case one of us has an accident?

Yes, it's all sorted!

Stop worrying, it's your birthday!

-THUDDING

-Adrian?

You all right?

Adrian!

Oh, my God!

Sorry...

Adrian, stay with me.

Stay with me!

Sorry.

VACUUM CLEANER HUMS

DOORBELL

VACUUM STOPS, DOOR OPENS

-MAX:

-Hello, is Mr Connor in?

-WOMAN:

-No, you'd better come through.

-MUFFLED:

-Mrs Connor's still here.

Er, hello, um...

I don't know if you remember us.

I'm Max, this is Hannah, we came round.

Your husband did our wedding photos.

Yes, I remember.

Is he in? We wanted to thank him for doing our photos, and, um,

we got him this. I don't know if he likes champagne?

Um,

I'm sorry to have to tell you this...

but...

..Adrian died.

What?

Yes, about four months ago.

Oh, my God, um, I'm so sorry.

It was a sudden thing.

He had an accident, fell down the stairs.

Oh, well, we should go.

Yeah, um, I don't know if you want this now,

but we'll leave it, anyway.

Thank you.

-One thing we were going to mention...

-Max, not now!

-Well, whilst we're here...

-It's fine, I don't mind.

-What is it?

-Well,

it's just that we've been looking at houses in this area,

-and Hannah took a real shine to this one.

-Don't blame me!

Well, you did, we both did, and we just wanted to say,

if you were ever thinking of selling,

would you please let us know first?

But don't feel you have to on our account.

We're very happy for you to stay as long as you like, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, take your time.

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

To be honest, I can't think about moving at the moment,

but do leave me your number.

OK, I'll just...

I'll give you my e-mail, as well?

I'm so sorry.

-We'll see ourselves out.

-Yeah.

I wonder what's down there.

Max! It's not our house yet!

We could build a home cinema.

No, it's going to be a gym!

Can I clean in here now?

Yes.

Thank you, Agnes.

You don't have to do this, you know?

I want to, at least for now.

Is everything OK, Mrs Connor?

No, not really.

I still can't get my head around...

If I hadn't booked that trip, if Adrian hadn't fallen...

..I never would have found you.

I know.

He told me he'd sacked you, and you just left.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was not yesterday. It was nine years.

I'm so sorry, Agnes.

I thought I was living with the most boring man in the world.

Turns out he was a monster.

You saved us, Mrs Connor.

That's all that matters.

Hello, Levi! Have you come to see your mummy?

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Don't forget to lock the door!

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

When you found us...

..you should have let him die.

I couldn't do that, Agnes.

He's my husband.

To have and to hold.

From this day forward.

For better, for worse.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish.

'Til death us do part.

CHAINS CLINK