To Have And To Hold Inside No. 9


To Have And To Hold

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I'm back.

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You were a long time.

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It's market day.

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It was busy.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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-Who was that?

-I don't know, they hung up.

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Is that the one Cil and Dave bought you for Christmas?

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Mm, yeah, it's a mystery puzzle.

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Murder on the Green.

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There's a booklet which sets out the story,

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but the picture on the box bears no resemblance to the actual jigsaw,

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so...you're working in the dark, to some extent.

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Quite a challenge.

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Sounds like fun.

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Well, I enjoy it.

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I got your Pot Noodles, do you want them downstairs?

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Oh, no, just leave them there, thank you.

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I don't know why you like these.

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Well, they're easy for when I'm working.

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Are you working this weekend?

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Yes, St Margaret's, I think.

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So I wrote my vows last night for the renewal ceremony.

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-Oh, yes?

-Yeah.

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Would you like to hear them?

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OK, fine. I was stuck on this bunker anyhow.

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Lend me your readers.

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Adrian, today I give to you a new affirmation of love from the heart

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that has adored you for 20 years,

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and will love you for as many more as God allots to it.

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-Oh, I think that's...

-We have been through a lot together

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and, through all those times,

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I can honestly say I loved you every step of the way.

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I hope you will say I do,

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and we can enjoy 20 more passionate and loving years together.

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-What do you think?

-Yeah, it's great.

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A tiny bit long...

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-What d'you mean?

-No, it's perfect, thank you.

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Well, you need to get on and write yours,

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I don't want you making it up on the day.

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Oh, I've already done it.

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Really? Can I hear it?

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-Why?

-Because I don't want to be surprised, ruin my £200 make-up.

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-How much?!

-Just read it to me, please.

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OK.

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Right. "I, insert name," -

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presumably that's my name, so that's Adrian, obviously -

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"I declare that I know of no legal reason why we may not

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"register as partners.

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"I understand that, on signing this document, we will be

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"forming a civil partnership with each other."

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-Civil partnership?

-Yeah. Is that not right?

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-I took it from a website.

-What website, lesbianweddings.com?

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Does it really matter, Harrie?

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You know that I love you, and I know that you love me.

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There's no need to spend a fortune on a party to prove it.

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We don't have to invite anybody, it's not about that.

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I'd be happy doing it with just me and you

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and a ring pull from a can of diet Pepsi.

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They don't do ring pulls any more, for health and safety reasons.

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You know what I mean.

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You spend all that time downstairs,

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working on other people's wedding photos,

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touching them up, making them look perfect and shiny and new.

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That's what I want for us, for our marriage.

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I want us to be...

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-Touched up?

-Frankly, I do.

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We haven't...

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Yes, well...

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I will give it some proper thought, I promise.

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PHONE RINGS

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I'll get that.

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Hello? No.

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Wrong number again.

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Adrian?

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What are you doing up?

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Looking for you. It's three in the morning.

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-I had a bad dream.

-What, John Prescott and the Creme Eggs again?

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No, that was just when I was doing the Atkins.

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I wish you wouldn't go through my stuff.

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-So how bad is it?

-Well, you can see for yourself,

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we are behind with the mortgage, all the bills are red.

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Well, everything's red down here, darling.

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It's not funny, Harrie.

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I'm supposed to be the provider and that's another thing I failed at.

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What do you mean?

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Your frozen eggs.

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My weak sperm.

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Rachel, if it had been a girl, Levi for a boy.

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I never would have allowed Levi.

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It's a good Biblical name.

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That's as may be, but people think of jeans.

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I think I'll have to give up the photography and get another job.

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No, you mustn't do that.

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We'll move, we'll get a...

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-smaller house.

-No.

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-I don't mind.

-I'm not making you leave this house.

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I could always...

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I could go back to Osborne's.

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Mm, it's a possibility.

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Could you turn the light off, please?

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Does he still work there?

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I'm not sure.

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I, I think he's got a new position.

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Yes, I remember you telling me.

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-I meant in the company.

-Yeah, I know what you meant.

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You'd have to trust me, Adrian.

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I always did,

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"forsaking all others", remember?

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You were very absent at the time.

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You were off playing happy families

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with a different couple every weekend.

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It was my job. You make me sound like a swinger.

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Well, you were very flirtatious with the women.

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Oh, to get good pictures out of them, that's all.

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-What about Agnes?

-Who?

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Our cleaner.

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-She left because you were coming on to her.

-I wasn't coming on to her,

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I was trying to get her to clean under the toilet rim.

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Besides, there's a difference between flirting with someone

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and sucking them off in the Wolverhampton Ibis.

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Once, Adrian, one time!

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And it was a Premier Inn.

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Look, we've been through this, I was very unhappy, and very...

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..isolated, and I made a huge mistake and I am so, so sorry.

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Please.

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So that's what all these phone calls have been about, is it?

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You're back in contact?

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Only with Sue.

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Only with Sue.

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-You followed me.

-20 years, Harrie.

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It was just about work, I swear, I knew we needed the money...

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I see, so that's why you wanted to renew your precious vows, was it?

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-You have to believe me!

-Give yourself a clean slate?

-No!

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I love you, Adrian. I do.

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But you won't let me in.

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I'm sorry.

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Come to bed.

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OK, I'd better clean this up first, I won't be long.

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Careful.

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Mr...

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..Shafter?

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Yes.

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Dick Shafter?

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-That's right.

-If you'd like to follow me?

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I'm Nurse Honeypot, and I'll be taking care of you today.

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How's your temperature?

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Fine at the moment.

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But I am getting a little bit hot.

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Let's just loosen this.

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It's a new shirt, shall I, shall I do it?

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Yeah.

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Sorry.

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-Have you been drinking?

-Just a glass.

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Come on,

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take your trousers off, and we'll see what happens

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if we apply some oil.

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Careful, Harrie, it's going everywhere!

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-It doesn't matter.

-Yeah, but you say that, but it's going to stain.

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Just let me quickly get a wet cloth.

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Leave it, Adrian, it's all right, sit down!

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I've got a feeling you're not very comfortable doing this.

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I am, it's just awkward, I can't think of anything to say.

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You don't have do, it's not Whose Line Is It Anyway.

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Just...

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relax.

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-Do you want a cushion for your...

-Yeah.

-..knees?

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Shoe's come off.

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OK.

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How's that?

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Is that nice?

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Yes.

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Good.

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Let Nurse Honeypot use her magic fingers.

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I'm sorry.

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It's all right.

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Shall we go upstairs?

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No.

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Would you like to take a shower together?

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Not really.

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-What do you want to do?

-It's not you, it's me. I just, I can't.

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Oh, fine.

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It's really good of you to suggest all these things, Harrie, but...

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..I think I'm a bit old for role-play.

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Well, what do you like, Adrian?

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And what is this?

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I haven't died yet, I want us to do things together,

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while we still can.

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DOORBELL

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Oh, shit! I totally forgot,

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I've got a couple coming to look at their wedding pictures.

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-Ah, saved by the bell, eh?

-What d'you mean?

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You knew full well they were coming round, you had it totally planned!

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Course I didn't! Now, please, go and get changed.

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-Hello! Hi, Max. Hi, Hannah.

-Hello.

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Nice to see you again.

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Come through, I'll just go and get your contact sheets.

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Aha. Oh, hello, I'm Max, this is Hannah.

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-Hello, there.

-Ah, the happy couple.

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Hmm. Would you like a drink?

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Er, no, thank you, a bit early for us.

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I just got back in from work.

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Oh.

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Are you a nurse, by any chance?

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I work in a mortuary.

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-Oh...

-I handle corpses.

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Isn't that right, Adrian?

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Here we are, then, if you'd like to take a seat.

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It was a lovely day, I seem to remember.

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-It was, we were very lucky with the weather, weren't we?

-We were.

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-Where did you get married?

-BOTH: St Margaret's.

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Oh, that's nice.

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We just did a boring registry office, didn't we?

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Yeah, it's called a register office, and I wouldn't say it was boring.

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I wanted to renew our vows.

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-20 years.

-Oh, wow, well, we've managed 20 days.

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They said it wouldn't last, so...!

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It turns out we couldn't afford it, though, could we, Adrian?

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I shot a couple of rolls of colour, but mainly black and white.

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Oh.

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Oh, that's amazing of the doves, look at the wings.

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Oh, yes!

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-Very artistic.

-I wanted doves, but Adrian said he was allergic.

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No, I didn't.

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Two grey pigeons, we had, outside a council building.

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Well, they're really good.

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Yeah. He's great with other people's marriages. The best.

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Why don't we leave you to look at these in peace?

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-Come on, Harrie.

-Oh, now you want to touch me?

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Stop it!

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Is there any way we could look at these, um...

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Take them home and look at them, maybe?

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Yes, that's probably best, isn't it?

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I'll scan them onto a memory stick for you and drop it round.

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Thanks, that, er... We'll speak soon.

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Nice to meet you.

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You've got a lovely house.

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-Sorry about that.

-That's all right, we'll speak soon.

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OK. Nice to see you, bye.

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For God's sake, Harrie, they're clients!

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I'm your wife! I bet you'd like to put me on a memory stick.

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-What does that even mean?

-I'm going upstairs, alone, as per.

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-I'll be up in a minute.

-Huh!

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Chance'd be a fine thing!

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I made you a beef and tomato.

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CHAIN CLINKS

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Try not to spill it.

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Mm, so, which one shall I open first?

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-This one.

-Mm, I think I can guess what this is,

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unless I've just broken it.

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Oh, wow!

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Flying Scotsman, I am going to be a busy boy.

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I wanted to get you one of those mats where you roll it all up

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and you can take it with you, but they didn't have any in stock.

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Oh, never mind. We never go anywhere, do we?

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As you're always telling me.

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No, no, it's super, thanks, darling.

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I thought we could do this one together,

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seeing how it's so big.

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Oh, God, I've dragged you down to my level, have I?

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No, I genuinely want to, honestly.

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What next?

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Here.

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-This is just a joke.

-OK...

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Oh, ho, ho, Bombay Bad Boy!

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I've not tried one of these, I'll have that later, thank you.

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This is your main present.

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-Hope you'll like it.

-Mm, good things come in small packages.

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It's not a bill, is it?!

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-What's this?

-A trip to Paris.

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-Paris?

-Yes, only for a week, six nights.

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I just thought it'd be really good for us to get away.

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Something different. The City of Light.

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I see.

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How long ago did you build that darkroom of yours?

0:21:000:21:03

-Eight years?

-Nine.

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Exactly.

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It's about time you came up for air.

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I've missed you.

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-So when are we going?

-This afternoon.

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I've booked a taxi.

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My God, you're very good at keeping secrets, aren't you?

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You're not mad?

0:21:210:21:22

No, no, no, but what about your work?

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-They'd never let you have the time off.

-No, they were fine about it.

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I did have to...

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run it by you-know-who, but he couldn't really say no, could he?

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No, I suppose not.

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Six nights.

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Right, well, I'd better go and sort some things out.

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I don't even know where my passport is.

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It's all right, I found it downstairs.

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-What d'you mean?

-It was just in a drawer.

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Don't worry about it, everything's sorted!

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And I've got my mum and dad coming to house sit while we're away.

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What?! No, no, you can't!

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Someone's got to water the plants, haven't they?

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You don't want to come home and find everything dead.

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Shit, shit, shit!

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You haven't seen my keys, have you?

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-What?

-Keys! My darkroom keys!

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What about the counter? In the kitchen?

0:22:140:22:18

I thought we could go and visit those catacombs.

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You've always wanted to see them, haven't you?

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Did you get any insurance?

0:22:310:22:33

-What?

-For the trip, in case one of us has an accident?

0:22:330:22:37

Yes, it's all sorted!

0:22:370:22:39

Stop worrying, it's your birthday!

0:22:390:22:42

-THUDDING

-Adrian?

0:22:530:22:55

You all right?

0:22:560:22:57

Adrian!

0:23:000:23:01

Oh, my God!

0:23:010:23:03

Sorry...

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Adrian, stay with me.

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Stay with me!

0:23:090:23:10

Sorry.

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VACUUM CLEANER HUMS

0:23:270:23:29

DOORBELL

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VACUUM STOPS, DOOR OPENS

0:23:340:23:35

-MAX:

-Hello, is Mr Connor in?

0:23:360:23:39

-WOMAN:

-No, you'd better come through.

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-MUFFLED:

-Mrs Connor's still here.

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Er, hello, um...

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I don't know if you remember us.

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I'm Max, this is Hannah, we came round.

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Your husband did our wedding photos.

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Yes, I remember.

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Is he in? We wanted to thank him for doing our photos, and, um,

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we got him this. I don't know if he likes champagne?

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Um,

0:24:150:24:17

I'm sorry to have to tell you this...

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but...

0:24:210:24:22

..Adrian died.

0:24:230:24:24

What?

0:24:250:24:27

Yes, about four months ago.

0:24:270:24:29

Oh, my God, um, I'm so sorry.

0:24:330:24:35

It was a sudden thing.

0:24:350:24:37

He had an accident, fell down the stairs.

0:24:380:24:40

Oh, well, we should go.

0:24:440:24:46

Yeah, um, I don't know if you want this now,

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but we'll leave it, anyway.

0:24:500:24:51

Thank you.

0:24:530:24:55

-One thing we were going to mention...

-Max, not now!

0:24:550:24:57

-Well, whilst we're here...

-It's fine, I don't mind.

0:24:570:24:59

-What is it?

-Well,

0:24:590:25:01

it's just that we've been looking at houses in this area,

0:25:010:25:03

-and Hannah took a real shine to this one.

-Don't blame me!

0:25:030:25:05

Well, you did, we both did, and we just wanted to say,

0:25:050:25:08

if you were ever thinking of selling,

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would you please let us know first?

0:25:100:25:12

But don't feel you have to on our account.

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We're very happy for you to stay as long as you like, aren't we?

0:25:170:25:19

Yeah, yeah, take your time.

0:25:190:25:21

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

0:25:210:25:24

To be honest, I can't think about moving at the moment,

0:25:260:25:28

but do leave me your number.

0:25:280:25:30

OK, I'll just...

0:25:300:25:32

I'll give you my e-mail, as well?

0:25:360:25:38

I'm so sorry.

0:25:400:25:41

-We'll see ourselves out.

-Yeah.

0:25:500:25:52

I wonder what's down there.

0:25:560:25:58

Max! It's not our house yet!

0:25:580:26:00

We could build a home cinema.

0:26:000:26:02

No, it's going to be a gym!

0:26:020:26:04

Can I clean in here now?

0:26:070:26:09

Yes.

0:26:090:26:11

Thank you, Agnes.

0:26:110:26:12

You don't have to do this, you know?

0:26:170:26:18

I want to, at least for now.

0:26:190:26:21

Is everything OK, Mrs Connor?

0:26:230:26:25

No, not really.

0:26:270:26:28

I still can't get my head around...

0:26:290:26:31

If I hadn't booked that trip, if Adrian hadn't fallen...

0:26:330:26:38

..I never would have found you.

0:26:400:26:42

I know.

0:26:420:26:44

He told me he'd sacked you, and you just left.

0:26:450:26:49

I remember it like it was yesterday.

0:26:490:26:52

It was not yesterday. It was nine years.

0:26:520:26:55

I'm so sorry, Agnes.

0:27:000:27:03

I thought I was living with the most boring man in the world.

0:27:040:27:07

Turns out he was a monster.

0:27:090:27:10

You saved us, Mrs Connor.

0:27:130:27:15

That's all that matters.

0:27:150:27:16

Hello, Levi! Have you come to see your mummy?

0:27:180:27:20

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

0:27:200:27:22

Don't forget to lock the door!

0:27:270:27:29

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

0:27:290:27:31

When you found us...

0:27:370:27:39

..you should have let him die.

0:27:410:27:42

I couldn't do that, Agnes.

0:27:440:27:45

He's my husband.

0:27:470:27:49

To have and to hold.

0:27:500:27:52

From this day forward.

0:27:530:27:54

For better, for worse.

0:27:560:27:57

For richer, for poorer.

0:28:000:28:01

In sickness and in health.

0:28:050:28:06

To love and to cherish.

0:28:100:28:11

'Til death us do part.

0:28:150:28:17

CHAINS CLINK

0:28:250:28:27

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