Episode 1 It's Kevin

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.

# I thought I'd start this evening with a jolly little song

# So come on, don't just sit there

# Please join in and sing along

# Of course you may not want to, but as everybody knows

# It's hard to sing a song when you do not know how it goes

# Still I will just continue on my own, if that's all right

# Cos if I stop this early it will look quite unprofessional

# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon show

# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show

# And that's the title

# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon show

# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show

Ow!

# Welcome to my show now, which I hope you will enjoy

# It's meant for every man and woman, every girl and boy

# But not for lower life forms, they just wouldn't get the gags

# It isn't aimed at gibbons, bats, rhinoceri or stags

# It isn't aimed at fluke worms and it isn't aimed at wrens

# It's aimed at us, the primates known as homo sapiens

Dance!

# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon show

# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show

# It's called It's Kevin

# Aargh! It's the Kevin Eldon show

# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...

# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

# Kevin Eldon show. #

DRUNKEN SHOUTING

Tommy, Tommy.

SHOUTS CONTINUE

Just trying to help you, mate. That's all.

That's all.

You're not helping yourself here, mate.

Tommy, listen, listen.

Tommy, there's no need to be so aggressive, mate.

You're OK. You're OK.

You're OK.

I'm Angelica, Tommy. Do you remember me?

Right, Tommy, go with Angelica into this room.

Go in here for me. Go on, that's it.

-All right.

-In you go. That's it. In.

Right, got your gown on?

Let's get you done up.

That's it.

Everything's laid out for you.

OK.

Can you just keep still a minute, Tommy, and I'll get you done up?

Yeah, so here we are.

Now, look, cards on table,

this probably isn't the slickest gig in town.

< Aaargh!

And it's certainly not particularly subtle or erudite.

Bu-yeah! Bu-yeah!

But at least it's made by somebody who cares.

HARP GLISSANDO

Right, let's crack on.

-Yep, yep, yep.

-Definitely.

-Do you know what we should build?

-What?

-A pyramid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

A pyramid. You know, like the triangle, 3D, pyramid.

-Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. A pyramid.

-We should build one. A massive one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of, err, mud.

-Yeah, mud. Yeah, yeah. No. Wood!

-Yeah, yeah. No, stone.

Yeah, stone. You know big blocks of stone, yeah.

-Loads of blocks of stone.

-Loads, yeah.

-Million.

-Million blocks of stone.

-Yeah, million blocks of stone.

No, two million blocks of stone.

-Yeah, yeah. Two million blocks of stone.

-We should build a couple.

-What?

-Pyramids.

-Yeah, yeah. Build a few, build a few.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Look great in the middle of the desert.

-Yeah, yeah.

Also, also we should build a great big cat.

A cat, a big cat, 400 cubits high.

Yeah, yeah. No, 500 cubits high.

Yeah, 500 cubits high. Yeah, with bird's feet.

Yeah, no, with a bloke's face, with a hat on.

Yeah, bloke's face with a hat on.

We must definitely do that first thing in the morning.

-Ooh, what if it's nose falls off?

-What nose?

The bird's, cat's, bloke's nose thing.

-That'll be fine.

-It'll be fine.

Bird, cat, lion, tiger, evil thing and pyramids.

-Lots of pyramids, great big, really high, really high.

-Yeah, how high?

-Really high, really, really high.

-Yeah, definitely, definitely.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Definitely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Ooh, it's a bit chilly in here.

Oh, Bob, Bob! Come over here a minute.

This is Bob, the studio caretaker.

He's a real character.

Well, he's not real. Well, he's a real character.

No, actually, he's an actor. Where you going with that?

Oh, handing it into the lost property office.

-How do you know it's lost?

-Oh, I'm lost all right.

Very civic-minded of you, Bob. He's very civic minded.

# Et toi, c'est moi, c'est David Dubois. #

You join us now at the white coat window on the world

of worldwide wonders with, wow, Wendy Wilson.

Wendy, welcome and well-o.

What?

Hello. Soundtracketts.

Soundtracketts, indeed.

It's a very rare medical condition, where those affected are born with

a musical soundtrack accompanying their words and actions.

And I have with me here a sufferer.

-This is Bill Cairns.

-Hello, Bill.

-FANFARE

-Hello.

Bill, could you tell us when you first noticed this condition?

-MUSIC BOX CHIMES

-Well, even as a very young child

I noticed that there was something different about me.

And I'm sure the viewers at home can hear the effect of the soundtrack,

-as Bill is speaking.

-It's incredible.

And it's fascinating how much the types of music vary, isn't it?

-GERMAN OOMPAH MUSIC:

-It varies enormously, Wendy. It really does.

-MUSIC: "The Entertainer"

-It's an entertaining

aspect of the condition.

In all the years I've suffered from it,

there really seems to be no end of different musical accompaniments.

MUSIC: "Laughing Policeman"

It's funny. It makes me laugh actually,

because mostly the music perfectly matches what I'm saying.

Just occasionally...

KAZOO PLAYS "God Save The Queen"

..it doesn't.

Now watch this.

Bill, can I ask you to unbutton a shirt button?

MUSIC: "The Stripper"

And now can I ask you to scratch yourself?

MUSIC: "Little Spanish Flea" by Herb Alpert

And if I give you this lighter?

MUSIC: "Firestarter" by The Prodigy

So, so Bill, this, this can't be very easy to live with.

MUSIC: THEME TO "Our Tune"

It's actually caused me quite a lot of sorrow in my life.

But about three years ago I met a wonderful woman called Virginia.

MUSIC: "Virginia Plain" by Roxy Music

We just fell head over heels in love.

-We were married last year.

-MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"

Oh, married. That's...

..so, er, so, Wendy, is this condition treatable?

Sadly there's no sign of a cure yet, is there, Bill?

MUSIC: "The Lovecats" by The Cure

A cure? No. There is no cure.

So, as things stand, this is for life.

EASTENDERS DRUM CLIMAX

But it's not all bad, because, as Bill will tell you,

despite this disability, he's still able to lead a full and active life.

-SPORTS THEMES AND NATIONAL SONGS PLAY

-Yes, I play football, I ski.

Italy, France.

Well, do you know what Bill?

Your courage and determination are an inspiration to us all.

So, thanks, Wendy.

Pleasure.

-And thank you, Bill.

-Cheers.

MUSIC: THEME TO "Cheers"

Hey, what would it be like if naughty German Adolf Hitler had

actually spoken with the voice of the Beatles producer George Martin?

Hmmm? Hurrr? Oooh?

AS GEORGE MARTIN: So it was early 1939, and me

and the boys finally marched into Austria, bold as brass.

And I immediately knew that we were onto something big.

So as soon as I got back,

I called an emergency meeting of the German high command.

They were all terribly excited.

And I said, "Well, congratulations, chaps. Looks like we've got

"ourselves a smash hit.

"Now can anybody think of a snappy title

"for the enforced annexation of a foreign nation?"

And I remember Heinrich Himmler, who was always ready with a cheeky quip,

immediately piped up with, "Well, how about the Anschluss, mein Fuhrer?"

And we all fell about laughing and the name stuck.

And that was the beginning of what the press later dubbed "Nazimania".

And, looking back, it wasn't that far off the mark.

Because what followed over the next few years was a kind of madness.

Madness.

Madness.

Madness.

Madness!

Madness!

BEATLESEQSUE RENDITION OF "Deutschland Uber Alles"

Hmm, bit like that.

Coming soon to BBC1.

Sid and Nelson are back,

and the sparks are still flying in the all-new Love Thy Neighbour.

-Hey, hey.

-Hey what?

What you doing, nicking my paper?

I wasn't nicking it, I was swapping it you daft bluebottle.

Don't you call me bluebottle, you dirty tomato, or I'll thump you one.

Just you try it, son, and I'll knock you black and blue.

Watch it, brake light! Careful what you say.

You know this used to be a nice area,

before you cold taps moved in here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it would be a nicer area if you riding hoods moved out.

-Denim!

-Lipstick!

-Avatar!

-Strawberry!

Are you two at it again?

Honestly, they're as bad as each other.

The all-new Love Thy Neighbour... in colour!

Here, Bob, I thought you were taking that to the lost property office?

I can't find it.

I thought it was on floor nine.

So, Bob, how long were you a bottler?

A bottler?

Yes. Someone who works in a bottling factory.

What makes you think...?

Your delayed response is indicative of

hearing loss consistent with having worked in a noisy environment.

There's faint crenulations on your neck,

as there would be if you'd spent a period of time looking up at nozzles.

There are slight indentations on the pads of your finger and thumb,

decreasing in depth from front to back,

which suggests prolonged bouts of screwing on bottle tops.

That's amazing, Kevin. I was never a bottler, though.

But I was a butler.

Hey, I've always wondered. What does a butler do on his day off?

Oh, me day off.

I used to enjoy my one day off a year.

I'd have a nice lie-in,

then I'd just, you know, chill out at home, take it easy.

Then maybe I'd meet some butler mates in the park.

One of us would bring a ball.

Then, in the evening, I'd just kick back and watch a bit of telly.

So why did you give up being a butler, then?

Oh, you had to be too subservient. I've got my pride.

Fair enough.

It's time for winning big prize in UK,

with Portuguese Horrible Lottery!

UK lottery, lottery for losers.

Chance of winning, one in 14 million.

But with Portuguese Horrible Lottery,

chance of winning, one in 10!

That's right. One in ten will win prize.

But HORRIBLE prize.

Win! A rusty skip, full of dead dogs.

Win! A bag of assorted toenails.

Win! Trousers found in alleyway, with dreadful content.

Win! Punch in stupid face from stranger on doorstep.

Oh!

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Ooh!

Oh!

Gawd!

Oh!

Oh!

Gawd! Oh!

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh!

Ooh!

Aaargh!

You will WIN! And prize will be HORRIBLE, and that is promise.

Portuguese Horrible Lottery!

It's Portuguese!

It's horrible!

He's not listening to me. He's just being polite.

He's looking straight past me.

Obviously someone more important or successful in the room to talk to.

VOICEOVER: Are you tired of being overlooked at parties?

Then you need Shoulder Millionaires.

With JK Rowling and Bill Gates on your shoulders,

how can you fail to be the most interesting

and well-connected person at any social gathering?

Our range also includes the Madonna-Osborne

and the Mitchell-Mugabe.

Shoulder Millionaires, from the makers of Crutch Beggars.

Right, I'd better get on with looking

-for this lost property office.

-Hmm.

So if you can, er..

Oh, sorry.

I tell you what, Bob, why don't you go and have a look

behind the milking sheds, and I'll have a look over here?

Good idea.

Now, let's see. Lost property.

Ah, now, you see, it's the doctor sketch.

Oh, well, might as well, seeing as we're here.

-Thanks, Alison.

-Aaargh!

Come in.

Doctor, I keep repeating everything I say in different ways,

styles, terms.

Yes, there's a lot of it about at the moment.

Could it be treated, cured, put right?

It will pass in a day or two.

But I'm afraid it is highly contagious, spreading,

infectious, catching.

I see, understand, comprehend, intellectually grasp.

Just avoid speaking to anyone for the next few days, diurnal,

revolution, solar passages.

Righto, doctor. Cheerio!

-Bye.

-Adios.

-Ta-ra.

-Toodle pip.

-Ciao.

-Farewell.

-Cheers.

Doctor's sketch there. Thanks, Alison.

Aaargh!

Release the fly!

Have you ever noticed that you're in a house, aren't you?

And, er, a fly starts buzzing around.

FLY BUZZES

What's that all about?

It's attention-seeking behaviour resulting from extrovert tendencies.

FLY BUZZES

And I would say that the fly buzzing around now is definitely

in need of hypnotherapy, in order to realign its behavioural patterns.

Right, well, do your stuff, then.

OK, well, so first I just need to grasp the fly

firmly by the head in order to establish direct eye contact.

So, er...

FLY CONTINUES TO BUZZ

Ooh, it's hard to pin down, isn't it?

Yes, this one's very skittish.

Oh, look, look, look, look.

It's landed on that enormous strawberry mousse over there.

So, if I just very carefully...

Oh!

SPLAT!

Whoops!

Oh, it's off again.

FLY BUZZES

Don't worry. I'll get it.

Oh, now it's landed on that giant cactus

in that earthenware pot over there.

If I just...

Oh!

SMASH!

Whoops.

FLY BUZZES

OK, now, where is it?

Ah, now it's landed on that huge box of blown up balloons,

clown car horns and multi-coloured feathers over there.

Right, if I just...

Hup!

PLATE SMASHES, BALLOON POPS AND CAR HORN TOOTS

Whoops!

FLY BUZZES

I almost got it there.

Ah, now it's landed on that very, very,

very large vat of excrement over there.

Sandwiches.

They're everywhere.

Did you know that, at any given nanosecond, there are at least

57 billion sandwiches in existence in the world?

And if those sandwiches were laid crust to crust,

they'd stretch all the way from here to Mars and then back here again.

And then back again to Mars.

And then back here again.

And then back again to Mars.

And then back here again.

And imagine how many sandwiches there would be if the Chinese,

instead of pancake rolls, ate sandwiches.

But it's a fact that only an intrinsically evil person

would deny that sandwiches didn't start off being called sandwiches.

And back again to Mars.

So I replied, "For someone with such a round head,

"you're certainly very cavalier."

Lord Wimpole, you are so droll.

'Tis my narrative method.

Now, let us try our luck once more.

Lord Turdington, what are you doing with those two pieces of bread

and that piece of cheese?

Oh, I see it as a mere bagatelle of my own invention.

By placing the cheese betwixt the bread, I create a snack of ease

and convenience.

Behold.

-Ah-ha.

-Oh.

I call it a Turdington.

Begad. This idea of yours has given me an idea, Lord Turdington.

Come over to the fire with that and bring a long fork.

You intrigue me, Lord Toastie.

And then back here again.

So how did Turdingtons become known as sandwiches?

Well, in the early days, Turdingtons were mostly eaten at beach

picnics and it's at these events that the phrase "I am

removing the sand which has got into my Turdington" became so commonplace

that eventually Turdingtons became exclusively known as sandwiches.

It's interesting, isn't it?

But how do you make the perfect sandwich?

And back again to Mars.

If you just put a bit of cress between two slices of Mother's Pride,

I find it's better than a thousand orgasms at the same time.

Oh, I swim out to a seal and I strangle it,

and then cut it in half, and then I eat the bottom half raw,

on some pitta bread, which, which is delicious.

I don't need to eat for a month after that.

I just throw some bread at a pig.

The best sandwich I ever tasted I found in a plastic bag under

a train seat.

I don't know what was in it.

Orangey, yellow, sticky stuff.

It was sort of quite tangy, with a kind of fishy aftertaste.

I still think of that sandwich sometimes.

At night, if I can't sleep.

Yum-yum.

And then back here again.

A few tips there on how to make the perfect sandwich.

But here to guide me through the process is world renowned

sandwich expert Hosni Mubarak.

-OK, Hosni, I start with a single piece of bread.

-No.

-Oh, like that?

-No.

-That then?

-No.

-Like that?

No.

-But it's just lying there.

-No.

-Turn it over?

-No.

Well, I'm a bit stumped.

It's got to be perfect.

-Obviously, if it's going to be the perfect...

-Perfect sandwich.

-So what am I doing wrong?

-It's not perfect.

-OK, er, is it the breadboard? Turn like that?

-No.

-Like that?

-No.

-Well, it can't be the edge.

No. No.

No?

-Oh, erm. Oh, I know, if I...

-No.

-Really?

-No.

-But if I?

-No.

-Yeah, but you haven't.

-No.

No. ..No.

No. No. No. No. No.

-What's wrong with that?

-No.

-It's just lying there.

-No.

No.

No.

-No.

-All right. OK, it's obviously a lot harder than it looks.

Hosni Mubarak, please show me how to make a perfect sandwich.

My God!

That sandwich is perfect.

-I must...

-No.

-Just a bite.

-No.

-Just a nibble.

-No.

-Just a few crumbs.

-No.

-Can I touch it?

-No.

-OK, keep your perfect sandwich, then!

Hey, did anyone see Shoe Shop this week?

Naa-aa-aa-o!

And in that instance you did fail to effect

the purchase of a can of Suede Guard to go with a pair of Hush Puppies.

The penalty...

Go on, Steve.

..the elastic band.

For God's sake, Diane, she's 41 years old.

Do you defy me, sir?

Forgive me.

Ow!

Oh, that really blood stings! Get me ice!

-No.

-You can't deny her ice.

-I said no ice.

-She must have ice.

-There will be no ice.

-Get me ice!

-She needs ice.

Oh, all right, get her ice.

Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.

I am a fictional man from the North of England with fictional

tales from about and pertaining to the North of England.

It's a simple enough premise, for God's sake, go along with it.

Anyway, t'other day I were taking my dog, Champion

the Wonder Horse, for his afternoon constitutional through t'derelict

shopping mall when suddenly out of an old abandoned Spud-u-Like

burst Harold Melvin n'Bluenotes, Smokey Robinson n'Miracles and

Diana Ross and one of t'Supremes.

T'other Supreme apparently

were at home waiting for the bloke to come and fix her boiler.

Anyway, there they were, all these Motown stars of yesteryear,

all doing the slickly-choreographed dance routines

and close harmonies they're so justly famous for.

But suddenly, they turned and started coming at me,

accusing me of taking mutually contradictory ethical standpoints.

"Oh, you won't buy Nestle products, but you'll fly in an aeroplane.

"That's a dichotomy!"

Ooh, I were that upset that I ran all the way home

and when I got home I did not fill out a pools coupon,

I did not even steep me feet in a bowl of hot Dettol.

I just ran upstairs and fell into an uneasy slumber

and had a disquieting dream about Colin Cowdrey.

There you go. That's life in the North of England, in't it?

It's enough to make a camel do the rumbababababarbarann.

I said the rumbabababarbarann, I said a rumbabababarbarann...

Ow! Now just a quick reminder, but if any of you guys are digilog worms

you can spacebrowse a contents marker version of the show

on Kevineldon hash forward slash-gash.

Or if you prefer to surf the e-book, you can find me at BBC 2 extrathindot marketwhore.

If you're a dribbler and you want to hear, add or subtract

from all the latest dribbles then dribble on keldondribblerad and dribbleon.

If you're keen on a virtual tour around my ribs to find out

what colour my intercostal muscles are, you can push any red button

you see anywhere and imagine what they might be like.

And don't forget, there's always the option to tag my XING or badoo

my skycloud either on Microsoft, macrohard or mediumfloppy. Ow!

-All right, Ben?

-Hello, Ben.

-Morning, Ben.

-Morning, Ben.

-Ben.

-Oh, hiya, Ben.

Hiya, Ben.

SPOOKY SCI-FI MUSIC

Let's see what's coming up in next week's show.

I'll be taking the coffee test.

There's another round of What's That Smell?

Pork! No, soot.

And we investigate why summer

bookings are down at the Doncaster Ice Hotel.

So, there you go. First show in the series.

Don't know, some people might say

it's a bit, you know, disjointed but...

And the rest of them smell of plankton.

But now, to take us out,

here's Switzerland's biggest singing sensation.

It's Popsox and Mobile Phone. Good night!

CHEESY EUROPOP BEAT

# I was thinking about you

# I was feeling alone

# So I decided to call you

# On my mobile phone

# Brr brr! Calling your mobile phone

# Brr brr! From my mobile phone

# You and I got a mobile phone

# We've both got mobile phones

# Hey!

# You were thinking about me

# You were feeling alone

# So you decided to call me

# On your mobile phone

# Brr brr! Calling my mobile phone

# Brr brr! From your mobile phone

# You and I got a mobile phone

# We both got mobile phones

# Oh!

# Brr brr! Calling your mobile phone

# From my mobile phone

# Calling my mobile phone. #

Hey, Bob. What you doing?

Well, Kevin, I found the lost property office.

-Turns out to be down the back of your sofa.

-Oh!

And also, I found this lot down here.

-A packet of Rizla.

-Always handy.

-An old Chinese menu.

-I wondered where that had got to.

And this magazine.

Mildly Flirtatious Ladies.

All right, Bob.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd