Episode 2 It's Kevin


Episode 2

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Transcript


LineFromTo

'Ladies and gentlemen - it's Kevin.'

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# Oh, welcome to my show now and this is the second one

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# The last was first, the next the third

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# There's six, all said and done

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# And if you're a reviewer and you've said my show is poor

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# I'll find out where you live and I will hurt you with a saw

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# But as for all the rest of you, I hope you're feeling great

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# Sit back, relax, undo your slacks

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# You've got yourselves a date

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# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show

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# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

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# And that's the title

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# Oh, oh it's the Kevin Eldon Show

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# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon... Wah, wah, wah!

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# Welcome to my show now, which I'm proud to bring to you

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# Ably assisted by a most hard-working crew

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# That's Alison, on costume And there's Emma there, on sound

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# And I don't know what he does

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# But he's just nice to have around, chat... #

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THEY JABBER INCOMPREHENSIBLY

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# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show

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# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show It's called It's Kevin

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# Aargh, it's the Kevin Eldon show It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...

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# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

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# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

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# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

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# Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-o-w! #

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Ah, Mr Darwin.

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The first I have seen of you since we left the Galapagos Islands.

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Admiral Fitzroy, will you permit me to outline a theory?

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I should be honoured.

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What if the beaks of the Galapagos finches were somehow

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an adaptive development?

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What if all life were in a permanent state of flux...

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caused by ever cumulative evolutionary changes?

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What if, Admiral Fitzroy,

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life's myriad variations were not the work of a single creator?

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HE GURGLES, ROARS AND SHRIEKS

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'Hey, what are you doing?'

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I'm banging my head against the wall.

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'What are you doing now?'

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I'm eating all my gloves.

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'We've all got things we'd rather be doing.

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'But don't put it off.

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'If you don't send a birthday card to the Queen by April the 21st,

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'there's a fine of £5,000, plus a possible conviction for sedition.

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'So why not send your birthday card to the Queen without delay?

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'You can buy a card at most high street card shops.

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'Or why not file your card online at erbirthday.co.uk?

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'Whichever way you do it, it's really not that hard.

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'The Queen's birthday card. On with her head!'

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Hello, I'm Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.

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That's right, he is.

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And Jeremy, you hold a world record yourself, don't you?

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Yes, that's right.

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I hold the world record for the largest matchbox collection in Kent.

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-How many have you got?

-20.

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-Where do you keep them all?

-In a drawer.

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That has literally made me feel sick.

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You're here to watch me try to break the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.

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-What's the current record?

-One.

-Right, so it's one to beat.

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-And I must say I'm very excited about...

-Go!

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And stop.

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Ooh, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?

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-So how many times did I say nothing in ten seconds?

-One.

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Oh! One more and I'd have beaten the world record.

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Yes, hard luck.

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-Oh!

-Hard luck.

-Gah!

-Hard luck.

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-Whoar!

-Hard luck.

-Hew!

-Hard luck.

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-Heh!

-Hard luck.

-Phoot!

-Hard luck.

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-Mmmm!

-Hard luck.

-Gerr!

-Hard luck.

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-Wowow!

-Hard luck.

-Errr!

-Hard luck.

-Ssss!

-Hard luck.

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-Phow!

-Hard luck.

-Ph-diss!

-Hard luck.

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-Swhee!

-Hard luck.

-Gah!

-Hard luck.

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-Phow!

-Hard luck.

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'Meet Max Cooper. Just an ordinary guy - right?

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'Wrong. For whenever Max Cooper sees injustice and crime,

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'Max Cooper becomes indignant about that.

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'He doesn't like it.

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'And it is then that for seven complicated reasons,

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'Max Cooper mutates into...'

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GROWLING AND CRACKING SOUNDS

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Put it back.

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Put what back?

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That animal pottery you have just stolen and are hiding in your coat.

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-Put it back right now.

-Or what?

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GROWLING AND CRACKING SOUNDS

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SHE SCREAMS

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Excuse me, but aren't you the Incredible Moose-Human?

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Yes, I am.

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Oh, well, look.

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It seems that in her hurry to get away, our friend dropped something.

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'And so once again, society is a safer place due to the vigilance

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'and courage of...'

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Adrian - your tea's ready!

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'Oh, thanks, Mum. I'll be down in a minute.'

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Don't let it get cold!

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-'OK!'

-..The Incredible Moose-Human.

-'Coming, Mum!'

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FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN STAIRS

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That looks like thirsty work, Kevin.

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I thought you might like a nice glass of water.

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Oh, thanks, Bob. That's really, er, that's, er... I'll just, er...

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-You all right, then?

-Oh, I couldn't be better.

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-Glad to hear it.

-Well, I say couldn't be better.

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I've actually got terrible arm dandruff.

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-Ooh!

-Yeah. It's embarrassing. I only have to shake my arm and...

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Oh, that's bad.

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Yeah, it's a nervous condition.

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I've had it ever since I had this stressful job a few years back.

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Well, why don't you tell us all about...? Oh, you're going to.

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'I got a job at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum.

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'A maze of 223 museum gift shops from all over the country,

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'and all under one roof.'

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What did you do there?

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'Well, they put me in the Museum Gift Shop.'

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So, wait a minute.

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You were working at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum Museum Gift Shop?

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'Yeah, and I suffered terrible stress and headaches.'

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Busy, was it?

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'No. Hardly anyone ever came in.

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'But every time I tried to actually get into my head where it was

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'I was working, I'd black out

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'and wake up naked on the banks of the Thames.'

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-Hmm, sounds like you're best off out of it.

-Yeah.

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Hey, Bob - have you tried new Head and Elbows?

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-No, I haven't.

-Well, have mine. I don't need it anymore.

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Well, I've got nothing to lose.

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Except your arm dandruff.

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'Here - I wonder what it would be like if Nazi pig dog Adolf Hitler

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'had spoken with the voice of pop genius Sir George Martin.

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'Eh? Ah...'

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-POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:

-And after we'd taken Austria by storm,

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well, things started happening pretty quickly.

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And within nine months to a year,

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we were number one in most countries in Europe.

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Poland, Czechoslovakia, the list goes on.

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But a lot of people think it was an overnight success,

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but in fact we'd already built up a fanatical local following

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at our Nuremberg rallies.

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And I remember, even at those gigs,

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I could hardly hear myself screaming above all the screaming,

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and I'd have to keep dodging the copies of Mein Kampf,

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which fans were throwing onstage for me to sign.

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But I do recall thinking to myself at one of those early appearances,

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well, if we don't at least reincorporate the Sudetenland into

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Germany's borders in the next few years or so, then I am a Chinaman.

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And I'm not.

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I'm not a Chinaman.

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I'm not Chinese.

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-GERMAN ACCENT:

-I am not Chinese!

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I have never been Chinese!

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BEATLES STYLE HARMONIES: # Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles... #

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'Yeah, it would be like that.'

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Right, there you go, Bob. Do me a favour.

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Stick this lot together again.

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This glue is nearly past its sell-by date. It seems a shame to waste it.

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-Right-ho.

-Cheers.

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DISTANT THUDDING

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What's that?

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THUDDING GETTING CLOSER

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Here we go again.

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It's Godzilla Black.

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Surprise, surprise!

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It's not actually that much of a surprise, is it, Godzilla Black,

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when we can hear you coming five minutes before you actually get here?

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Oh! Oh, well. You won't be wanting these then!

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-SHE SOBS LOUDLY

-Aww, are these for me?

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Oh, I'm sorry, love, I didn't... No, no, now come back!

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I forgot how sensitive she is.

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Godzilla Black!

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SHE SOBS

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The Kaiser is marshalling his forces here, here and here.

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Artillery are pinned down by the river

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and our supply lines are cut off.

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Damn!

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You know, Marlborough, in bed this morning, I had

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an idea for ending this rotten war once and for all, just like that.

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Well, let's hear it, man.

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Well, there's the thing.

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Forgot to write it down.

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Went straight back to sleep.

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Now for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

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You know what?

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I like the sound of this idea of yours.

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What? The one I can't remember?

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Whether you can remember it or not, it's the best idea we've got.

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Pembleton, connect me to the Prime Minister.

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Yes, but look here, Marlborough, I can't actually...

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-'Marlborough?'

-Prime Minister.

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'Good news, I hope.'

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Beg pardon, sir. Ready to go over the top, sir.

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Good show, Sergeant. How's morale?

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Oh, it couldn't be better, sir.

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Talk of this Winstanley plan's got the men all of a fizz, sir.

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Home by Christmas is what I heard, sir.

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Blimey. I can't wait to see my sweetheart for turkey,

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sprouts and all the trimmings, sir.

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Here, sir.

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Oh, it's, er... You've got a picture of...

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Of Christmas dinner, sir. Yes, sir. I carry it with me always, sir.

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Them peas are grown from my own garden, sir.

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And fine, bonny peas they are too, Sergeant.

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Thank you, sir.

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-Carry on, Sergeant.

-Yes, sir!

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Ah - here he is.

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The man who's going to win us the Great War.

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-Anything yet?

-Shush, shush - I nearly had it then.

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I don't want to rush you, but...

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Something about...parquet flooring? No. Wait a minute.

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I remember!

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Oh, thank God!

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Quickly...

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issue the order for everybody to get into the giant mechanical crabs!

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The giant mechanical...

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EXPLOSIONS AND SCREAMING

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'Winstanley's plan died with him on the fields of Flanders.

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'And so the Great War ground mercilessly on until 1978,

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'when it was finally killed off by disco.'

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DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

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'It's curtains for everyone!'

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# Everyone's got windows And windows can't be bare

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# So come on down to Certain Curtains, curtains everywhere

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# Cotton, satin, silk

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# Pull yourself together Don't go off the rails

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# With Certain Curtains, curtain service never, ever fails. #

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'Certain Curtains - well hung.'

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'Introducing Amateur Prime Minister.

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'The magazine for Britain's ninth fastest growing hobby.

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'Whether you're reshuffling your cabinet,

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'ratifying fishing quotas, or bringing back hanging,

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'Amateur Prime Minister will fill your parliamentary agenda.

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'Issue 1 has tips on building your own seat of power.

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'And - a free balloon of the Croatian Prime Minister,

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'building up week by week into an inflatable summit.

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'Amateur Prime Minister - it's time to return to your constituency

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'and pretend at government.'

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'Maureen and John was a phenomenally successful Thames Television

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'sitcom, which ran from 1980 till 1987, starring Julie Stott and Dennis Best.'

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-Maureen?

-John.

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-Maureen!

-John!

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-Maureen!

-John!

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Mau-reen...

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'But tragedy struck. A heavy smoker all his life,

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'Dennis Best died at the age of only 46,

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'when he fell out of a train.

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'The producers wasted no time in recasting the part of John

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-'with actor Brian Tremaine...'

-Maureen.

-John!

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'..who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.'

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-Maureen.

-John.

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Maureen.

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'But the same chemistry just wasn't there.'

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John!

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'When Julie Stott left the series in 1986,

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'to star in South African sitcom Call Me Bwana,

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'she was replaced by actress Philippa Morgan...'

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-Maureen.

-John.

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'..who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.'

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Maureen.

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John.

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'And was taking a course of hormone pills,

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'in preparation for a sex change.

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'But it seems the magic of the golden years had faded.'

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-Maureen.

-DEEPER VOICE: John.

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'In 1987, with viewing figures down to just 18 million,

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'the series was cancelled.

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'Brian Tremaine went on to receive treatment for his alcohol addiction

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'and now owns a chain of off-licences.

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'And Philippa Morgan successfully underwent surgery,

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'changing her name to Eric Pickles.'

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HE SINGS IN FRENCH

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'Queuing. It's a great British tradition,

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'like the Proms and dogging.

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'But people from around the world often underestimate just

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'how seriously we in this country take the great British queue.

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'Let's face it, when it comes down to it, we're a funny old lot.'

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But did you know, for example, that 83% of all couples first

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have sex with each other in a queue?

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Or that if you're the 17th person standing in a queue you're

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statistically more likely to get pecked on the larynx by a chaffinch?

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Want to know more about queues? Well, you're in luck, because here's queuing guru Benny Sweet.

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Benny, when was the first queue?

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-10th of June 1341.

-And who was in that queue?

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-Peasants.

-What were they queuing for?

-To have their legs chopped off.

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-What had they done to deserve that?

-Nothing.

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-And what's the origin of the word queue?

-French.

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-And what does it mean?

-Wankers.

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What happens if you're in a queue and it's hit by falling space debris?

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Bury the dead, phone NASA and reform the queue.

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Now, you've got a photographic record

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of your lifetime of queuing, haven't you?

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Yep. Queuing for a Slade concert, 1972.

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Oh, look at your tank top.

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Queuing to sign on, 1981.

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Oh, look at your despair.

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Queuing for a Tamagotchi, 1990.

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Oh, look at your... What's that?

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Mumps.

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Jesus.

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Queuing for an edible wig, 2000.

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Oh, now, edible wigs, never really took off, did they?

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-Ginger ones were nice.

-Yeah, I ate one once. Found a hair in it.

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So who, in your experience, are worst at queuing?

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-Florists, diabetics, cats.

-In that order?

-No.

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And if you don't like queuing, you can go to Benny's special

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queuing centre and do all your queuing in one go, can't you?

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-Yeah. You stand in a queue for 37 weeks non-stop.

-And then?

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Accredited certificate. Guarantees lifetime front of queue access.

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And finally, Benny, how would you sum up your philosophy of life?

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-Could be at the back.

-Thanks, Benny.

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That's really interesting.

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And now, without further ado, lights, camera...

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Excuse me!

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Oh, sorry, didn't mean to jump in.

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Thank you. And now, without further ado, it's lights, camera, auction!

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Sorry!

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What's going on?

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So, I shall open the bidding with 17 million pounds.

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Do I hear 17 million pounds, anybody? 17 million pounds?

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No? Perhaps I've started the bidding a little high. Very well.

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-DEEPER VOICE:

-17 million pounds. We have 17 million pounds.

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Thank you very much, sir. 18 million pounds.

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Thank you very much, madam. 19 million pounds.

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Thank you, Mr Blair. 20 million pounds. Thank you, Sir Fred...

0:18:290:18:31

MUSICIANS PLAY IN BACKGROUND

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Here's to 40 wonderful years, my darling. Happy anniversary.

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Cheers.

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Well, who would have thought 40 years ago we'd still be together,

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as happy as we were on the day we first met?

0:18:520:18:55

# Big, wobbly tits... #

0:18:550:18:57

-Excuse me.

-Yes, sir?

0:18:570:18:59

-The singer...

-Uh-huh?

0:19:010:19:02

He seems to be singing, "Big, wobbly tits."

0:19:020:19:06

"Beekwableeteets" - sir, in my language this mean "eternal love".

0:19:060:19:12

It's very old, traditional song of romance.

0:19:120:19:15

-Oh, thank you.

-It's a very beautiful song, sir.

0:19:150:19:17

Thank you.

0:19:170:19:19

Oh, well, how sweet.

0:19:190:19:20

Yes.

0:19:200:19:22

-Where were we?

-You were saying?

0:19:220:19:23

Oh, yes, well, the years seem to have gone so quickly

0:19:230:19:27

and I've become more and more...

0:19:270:19:29

# Wrinkly ball bag... #

0:19:290:19:33

Excuse me.

0:19:330:19:35

Yes, sir?

0:19:350:19:37

Is he singing, "Wrinkly ball bag"?

0:19:370:19:41

Ah - "Rinkleeb al bak."

0:19:410:19:44

Sir, in my language this mean, "When joy fills my aching heart."

0:19:440:19:48

-When joy...

-Yes. It's very beautiful song, sir.

0:19:480:19:51

-You know, sometimes it make me cry.

-Yes, yes - thank you.

0:19:510:19:55

I feel the same way, darling.

0:19:550:19:57

# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock, shaft of cock...

0:19:570:20:00

Right.

0:20:000:20:01

# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock

0:20:010:20:03

# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock

0:20:030:20:05

# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock... #

0:20:050:20:07

Sir? Madam? You're leaving?

0:20:070:20:09

# Jui-cee-ee juice... #

0:20:090:20:16

PHONE RINGS

0:20:160:20:18

Hello, Spunky Spunky Hand Job Restaurant?

0:20:180:20:21

Do you believe dreams can come true?

0:20:210:20:24

Georgia here hasn't seen her parents

0:20:240:20:26

since they moved to Argentina five years ago, have you?

0:20:260:20:28

No, I can't afford the fare.

0:20:280:20:31

Well, YOU can't afford the fare...

0:20:310:20:33

..and neither can we.

0:20:380:20:39

But close your eyes. Close them.

0:20:390:20:42

Because there is a dream of yours that we can make come true,

0:20:420:20:45

and it's the dream you had while you were sleeping last night.

0:20:450:20:49

What?

0:20:500:20:52

Yeah, yeah. Hang on, hang on.

0:20:520:20:53

Wait for it...

0:20:560:20:58

Now open your eyes.

0:21:010:21:02

UNEARTHLY NOISES

0:21:070:21:13

She wants to lay off the cheese before she turns in.

0:21:340:21:37

MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:380:21:40

STATIC

0:21:400:21:42

'It's Kevin!'

0:21:420:21:44

Hello, can I help at all?

0:21:480:21:49

Oh, hello. Yes, it's my wife's birthday. So, she's 43.

0:21:490:21:53

-Oh, nice.

-So...

0:21:530:21:55

Well, you've come to the right place. We've got all sorts.

0:21:550:21:59

Daisies, very nice.

0:21:590:22:01

Or we have a Venus Human Trap.

0:22:010:22:03

I don't really know anything about flowers.

0:22:050:22:07

Well, I mean, daisies are lovely for brightening a room.

0:22:070:22:10

Um, very happy flower.

0:22:100:22:13

The Venus Human Trap is perfect for trapping and devouring a human.

0:22:130:22:17

-Hmm. How much are the daisies?

-£4.99.

0:22:170:22:20

-And the Venus Human Trap?

-£3.99.

0:22:200:22:23

Oh, the Venus Human Trap, then, please.

0:22:230:22:25

-Would you like it gift-wrapped?

-Is that included in the price?

-Yes.

-Yes, please.

0:22:250:22:28

OK, not a problem.

0:22:280:22:29

All right - come here, you.

0:22:350:22:37

SHE GASPS AND CHOKES

0:22:410:22:43

SHE SCREAMS, PLANT GROWLS

0:22:470:22:49

SCREAMS GET LOUDER

0:22:550:22:58

I'm still Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.

0:22:580:23:01

That's still right, he still is.

0:23:010:23:03

And earlier, Jeremy, you supervised me trying to beat the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.

0:23:030:23:07

-It was so close, wasn't it?

-Yes, hard luck.

0:23:070:23:10

-Grr!

-Hard luck.

-Gah!

-Hard luck.

0:23:100:23:12

-Phew!

-Hard luck.

-Orr!

-Hard luck.

0:23:120:23:13

-Aaa!

-Hard luck.

-Hrrr!

-Hard luck.

0:23:130:23:15

And now you're here to watch me try to beat the world record for not

0:23:150:23:18

saying anything in ten seconds. What's the current world record?

0:23:180:23:21

-Twelveington.

-So, it's twelveington to beat.

0:23:210:23:24

-And I must say...

-Go!

-Oh, manything, dennything,

0:23:240:23:26

bennything, hennything, manything, lennything, bennything,

0:23:260:23:28

tennything, whennything, zennything, anything... Oh!

0:23:280:23:32

-Oh, hard luck.

-Dah!

-Hard luck.

0:23:320:23:35

-Woo!

-Hard luck.

-Dee!

-Hard luck.

-Whoar!

-Hard luck.

0:23:350:23:39

-Woar!

-Hard luck.

-Gah-gah-gah!

-Hard luck.

0:23:390:23:41

-Swamm!

-Hard luck.

-Tooh!

-Hard luck.

0:23:410:23:44

-Dee!

-Hard luck.

-Mmmm!

-Hard luck.

0:23:440:23:46

-Grrr!

-Hard luck.

0:23:460:23:47

HIP HOP BEATS Hard luck.

0:23:470:23:50

Aaagh!

0:23:520:23:53

Morning!

0:24:010:24:02

HE RAPS: If I asked about the future would I sense a little tension?

0:24:020:24:04

Cos there's something that I've got here

0:24:040:24:06

That I'd really like to mention

0:24:060:24:08

Let me spell it out, I shall write it with my pen

0:24:080:24:10

P-E-N-S-I-O-N

0:24:100:24:13

My surname is Hughes, but please, call me Glenn

0:24:130:24:16

Could you give me five minutes? Maybe ten?

0:24:160:24:18

Oh, right, I'll just wipe my feet

0:24:180:24:21

And I must say, your garden's very neat

0:24:210:24:24

Yes, this is a lovely street

0:24:240:24:26

Oh, thank you - my, what a comfy seat

0:24:260:24:29

Ha, ha, ha - right!

0:24:290:24:32

You can get a pension automatic from the state

0:24:320:24:34

But let me tell you now that it really isn't great

0:24:340:24:37

You've got to make the right choices now you're getting older

0:24:370:24:40

How about a pension called a stakeholder?

0:24:400:24:43

-Hmm?

-Stakeholder!

-Hmm?

-Stakeholder!

0:24:430:24:45

Oh, look, here's one in my folder

0:24:450:24:48

Stakeholder!

0:24:480:24:49

-Accessibility

-Stakeholder!

0:24:490:24:52

-Flexibility

-Stakeholder!

0:24:520:24:55

Reliability and tax relief and contributions, full liability

0:24:550:24:58

No? Well, here's another option that I think's a little beau-ity

0:25:000:25:04

Have you ever thought about a lifetime annuity?

0:25:040:25:06

A lifetime annuity It's fiscal acuity

0:25:060:25:09

And oh - like this!

0:25:090:25:12

Your money income purchase is simply converted

0:25:120:25:14

Invested in the market but can always be reverted

0:25:140:25:17

Enhanced or deferred or with an index link

0:25:170:25:20

Have a little look, just to tell me what you think

0:25:200:25:22

Take your time.

0:25:220:25:23

CLOCK TICKS

0:25:230:25:26

Ooh, is that the time?

0:25:300:25:32

Let's have a look at what's on next week's show.

0:25:320:25:34

Down periscope!

0:25:340:25:35

We'll be welcoming back comedian Josh Carter,

0:25:380:25:40

with his hilarious jokes about forests.

0:25:400:25:42

And that was just the conifers!

0:25:420:25:44

We'll be discovering the reason why

0:25:440:25:46

when you mix butter with water, this happens.

0:25:460:25:49

'And I'll be flying round the studio like a bird.'

0:25:520:25:55

Great. Up periscope!

0:25:570:25:59

Well, all that remains is for me to say it's been a... No, no...

0:26:000:26:04

HE RAPS: Before you say no, just a few moments more, sir

0:26:040:26:07

One more thing before you show me to the door, sir

0:26:070:26:09

I'm straight down the line, I've got the qualifications

0:26:090:26:12

An FSA certificate in tax administration

0:26:120:26:15

An NVQ diploma in retirement provision

0:26:150:26:17

I've got awards across the boards for monetary vision

0:26:170:26:20

And long division

0:26:200:26:21

You've got to understand, I'm offering redemption

0:26:210:26:24

You really ought to think about taking out a pension

0:26:240:26:26

You really ought to think about taking out a pension

0:26:260:26:29

You really ought to think about taking...

0:26:290:26:31

DOG BARKS

0:26:310:26:36

BARKING CONTINUES

0:26:380:26:46

BARKING CONTINUES

0:26:490:26:57

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:26:570:26:59

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