Episode 6 It's Kevin


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen - It's Kevin.

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HORSE NEIGHS

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HE TUNES GUITAR

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CHURCH BELL RINGS

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GUITAR INTRO - COUNTRY MUSIC

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# Well, welcome to my show It sure is good to see you folks

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# We've got ourselves some comedy with crazy skits and jokes

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# We've got some songs to make ya laugh and some to make ya cry

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# So help yourself to grits and corn, there's plenty pecan pie

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# I want to hear a hee, a haw and can I hear a ho?

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# I do believe we're going to see what's called a do-si-do

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# Hey, yeah it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

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# Yee-haa!

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# Hell, yeah It's the Kevin Eldon Show

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# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.

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MUSIC STYLE TURNS ELECTRONIC

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(ELECTRONIC VOICE SAMPLE) # Show, show, show, show, show, show... #

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# Got a show right here it's smoking, toking, want to see ya laughing and a-joking

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# Got some jokes that pump and thump and hump and mess-up and think there's even one about a dumpling. #

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LYRICS BECOME UNINTELLIGIBLE

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# ..Cos all is need is oxygen!

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# Oxygen, oxygen Bob, can you bring some oxygen?

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# Oxygen, oxygen, I really need some oxygen! Oxygen, oxygen! #

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HE INHALES DEEPLY

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Aaahhh!

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COCK CROWS

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COUNTRY MUSIC STYLE

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# Hot dog, it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

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# Lord have mercy!

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# Hoo-wee, it's the Kevin Eldon Show,

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# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

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# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

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# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

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# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

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# Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-w. #

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Yee-haa!

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All right!

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Hmm, you really are making excellent progress, Mrs Drury.

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I'll just get the nurse to take your temperature.

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I take it you don't object to being treated by a sexy '80s nurse?

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Nurse!

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TROMBONE STRIPTEASE MUSIC

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Cor!

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Blimey!

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Whoops!

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STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE

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SHE LAUGHS

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I...I...I...I...I...

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I'll see you the same time tomorrow, Mrs Drury.

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Delightful card.

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Ahhh!

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It's the last show of the series, so quite frankly,

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this week I am spoiling myself rotten.

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Just a bit lower there please, Olga. Ah, thanks very much.

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And why not - it's only your money.

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Some of which I'm also using to hire close-up magician Billy Pike

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to personally entertain me.

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-Hi, Billy.

-Hello.

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I love close-up magic.

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Well, how about this?

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Oh, it's magic!

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Abracadabra.

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How do you do it?

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I start by holding the coin between me forefinger and me thumb

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and moving the other hand across it like this.

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When I open me hand, it appears like it's vanished.

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In fact, I don't take it.

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Just let the coin fall into this hand, like so.

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But the next bit is a bit trickier.

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If I want to move the coin from the palm of me

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hand to behind your ear, I have to summon up the power of pure evil,

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which I've harnessed in the form of a still-beating human heart,

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that I cut from the living body of a virgin.

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Oh.

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I keep in this shoebox.

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Oh, yeah, that is still beating, isn't it?

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Yeah, it has to be a beating heart...of a virgin.

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DISTANT SCREAMS

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Or else the trick...

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..won't work!

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So it's actually quite simple, isn't it?

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When you know how.

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Hey, do you fancy a massage?

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Ooh, I wouldn't say no.

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KNUCKLES CRACK

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Be gentle!

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What? Howay, man! That's shite!

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It's nothing like us.

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Ya want to lay aff the Rioja!

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-And now...

-Excuse me? Would you like a fight?

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Um...no, not just now, thanks.

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Right ho.

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And now once more to the white coat window

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on the world of worldwide wonders with the wuverly Wendy Wilson.

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Wendy, welcome and wa wa woo?

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-What's that?

-How are you?

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-Fine, thank you.

-Warvellous. Um, I bought some flowers.

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Oh, yes - Aster alpinus. Imperilled in certain Canadian provinces.

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The multiverse?

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Yes, this is the theory that there is an infinite

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number of universes in which every possible scenario is played out.

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And this is a machine I've invented, the Multiversoscope,

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which allows us to briefly view those universes.

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-You are so clever.

-Yes, I am.

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Now, let's see what this show looks like in other universes.

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I just type in "It's Kevin"...

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..and push this button for a random selection...

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and...

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According to the readout, in this universe,

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you are a grossly stereotypical Scotsman.

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Yeah... What do you mean, grossly stereotypical?

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-Oooh, what's this?

-Apparently this is a universe where you're a toy helicopter.

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Oh, look! Look at my tiny rotor blades!

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And this is you in a universe where there are no foot spas.

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No foot spas? Wow, we are through the looking glass here, people.

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And in this universe, there's only one foot spa.

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(STRAINED) Oh, one foot spa!

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And in this universe,

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you're that woman that put the cat in a wheelie bin.

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-Oh, yeah!

-So as you can see, in the multiverse,

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absolutely anything is possible.

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Anything at all.

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In that case, then, there's a universe somewhere where you and I...

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-Yes?

-We're both...

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..wheat intolerant.

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Without a doubt.

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Great. Thanks, Wendy.

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You're welcome.

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BRASS BAND MUSIC

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Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.

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I am a fictional man from the north of England.

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Fictional, mind, fictional.

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So, imagine my disgust t'other day

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when I sat down to table only to discover that me tea weren't ready!

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For although I am a fictional northern man, I am a traditional fictional northern man.

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I race pigeons! I never win, but it's taking part that counts.

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I go down t'mine ten hours every day.

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It's been closed for years, but old habits... I keep whippets!

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In t'freezer. Stops 'em going off so fast.

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So when I, a traditional fictional northern man, sit down to t'tea

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table, clock on t'mantelpiece striking six, only to be confronted

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with nowt but t'bare tablecloth - which were filthy, incidentally -

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a very ancient fury were ignited.

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"Wife!" I shouted. "Wife! Wife!

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"Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!"

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Decisions. There are small ones and not-so-small ones.

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And every now and then, you make a decision, don't you, that changes your whole life.

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I recently made a decision like that when I decided to foster a ghost.

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Do you want to meet her?

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Chloe? Chloe?

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She's really been through it, poor thing. She drowned in a peat bog

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around the middle of the 19th century, whilst running away from a particularly brutal orphanage.

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I'm surprised she's as well-adjusted as she is. Hey, Chloe.

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Do you want to say hello?

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SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY

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Yeah, she'll be fine once she's settled into her routine.

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Won't you, Chloe?

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SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY

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You just have to ignore this sort of thing, apparently.

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"..Wife! Wife! Wife!

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"Wife! Wife! Wife!"

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Did I get an answer? Did I buggery as 'eck like dry-stone wall.

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I were about to take me temper out on me pipe rack

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and not for t'first time either, when I heard somebody slipping in.

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"Oh, how very kind of you to make an appearance, lady,"

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I quipped sarcastically. "What time do you call this?"

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"Time you found a wife," said old Tom from next door,

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for it was he.

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"Me and the Mrs is sick of this, six o'clock every bloody night,

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"this racket kicking off.

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"If you don't stop shouting, 'Wife! Wife!'

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"we're going to tell t'Council, then you'll get what for."

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Well, I couldn't very well much say to that, could I?

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Cos I'd ruptured me larynx shouting "Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!

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"Wife!

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"Wi-fe! Wi-ife! Wii-ife!"

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DUBSTEP MUSIC

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Ah, just chilling out to some dubstep. I love dubstep.

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Did you know that dubstep's calming influence is being

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recommended by qualified medical practitioners to relieve

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stress in all kinds of situations?

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DUBSTEP BLARES

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At the dentists'...

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MUSIC BLARES

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..during labour...

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..at times of bereavement.

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Ahh, dubstep.

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Hey, Bob - do you like dubstep?

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Yes, I do like dubstep.

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In fact, I'm going to listen to some dubstep right now.

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Oh, before you go to listen to some dubstep, do you think you could

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bring over a few of those leaflets they've put through the door?

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I fancy some takeaway.

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Righto.

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Cheers.

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Whoo! You can hear my stomach rumbling!

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Oh, no. It's the dubstep.

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Here we go. So what do you fancy?

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We've got Sausage Abattoir, Hen Shed, Paella Cellar,

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Risotto Grotto, Stalag Burger, Offal Hovel,

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Giblet Attic, Fritter Cottage,

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Grub Ditch, Snack Dump, Soup Trough,

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Kebab Cupboard, Maison de Biryani,

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Lamb Dungeon, Gammon Pantry,

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Pastapartment, or Spam Toilet.

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Hmmm.

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Could you do us a cheese sandwich, Bob?

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Coming up!

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THANKS, BOB!

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There's everything you need at a price you'll love at Fortune Cruncher.

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A pack of four kitchen rolls for £5,000!

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What an absolute fortune!

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Three washing-up sponges, £2,800. A4 lined refill pad, £1,100.

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Unbranded Bulgarian Mars Bars, £700 each, two for £3,000.

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With every Fortune Cruncher bargain you can rest assured you're

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paying way, way, way over the odds!

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These prices are obscene!

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Fortune Cruncher, why pay less if you can afford MORE?

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If you remember skinheads, the Millennium bug or homosexuals,

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you'll love Classic Threats Magazine,

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the reassuring read about things that don't seem quite so scary any more.

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Issue one comes with a free classic Protect and Survive manual

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and a necrotising fasciitis face mask.

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Classic Threats magazine, because fear plus time equals fun.

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Ooh, here, there's a man now.

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Excuse me, Kevin.

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-Oh, yes, Margaret.

-You've got a book out that was due back a week ago.

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-Really?

-Yes. Um, what was it called...

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Ah! A Thousand Bums by Colin Diss.

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A Thous... Oh, yeah!

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Sorry, Margaret. I've been meaning to get that back to you.

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Er, I saw it around here earlier somewhere. There it is.

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Yeah, sorry about that, Margaret. Here you are.

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Oh, not to worry.

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Oh!

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Oh!

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Bye, Margaret.

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Bye...Kevin.

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Now, where was I?

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Oh, yeah. Imagine being a man who hasn't sat down for 24 years.

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Well, this next man doesn't need to, cos he hasn't.

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This is Standing Up Salim. Hello, Standing Up Salim.

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-How are you doing?

-Have a seat!

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What are you doing?!

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-No!

-What did you sit down for?

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-But you said "take a seat".

-That was a joke. I was joking!

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-You caught me off guard!

-Bloody hell!

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There's a seat here!

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Yeah, but...

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-I don't believe this!

-Quick, stand up again!

-No, it's too late now!

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I know, you could stay sitting down and become known as

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Sitting Down Salim.

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-Aye, all right, aye.

-Oh, brilliant!

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So, ladies and gentlemen, here we have Standing Up...Sitting Down Salim.

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So, Sitting Down Salim, how long have you been sitting down?

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Over 15 seconds, but, er... Think I'm going to enjoy it!

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-Well, long may it continue. Thank you very much, Sitting Down Salim.

-Cheers.

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EXCLAIMS IN OWN LANGUAGE

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I couldn't have put it better myself.

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Margaret?

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Monsieur Benedict Coupon.

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Monsieur Coupon.

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Your Gracious Majesty.

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Paris is alive with talk of your fabulous new invention.

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You will show me, please?

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Your Majesty.

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Perpetual motion has long been but a dream.

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But now with my new creation...

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Yes, yes, yes, and what is this?

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That?

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Oh, Monseigneur, it's just a bit that got torn off the corner.

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Now, perpetual motion...

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Genius.

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Your Majesty?

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Monsieur Coupon, correct me if I am mistaken, but you are proposing

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the idea that this bit that got torn off the corner could be worth

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upon presentation a saving of a small amount of the total

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cost of say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets?

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Are you not?

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Er...

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Sire, if I may explain...

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God himself has spoken to you, Monsieur Coupon.

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He has shown you the grace and the beauty of a system whereby

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a bit that got torn off the corner may be exchanged in return

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for the lessening of the payment due on a purchased item.

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Such as...say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets.

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And now, no doubt, my dear Monsieur Coupon,

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you come here to Versailles to beg me

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to allow you to name this new modern wonder the Louis XIV after me. Eh?

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-Er...

-Shhh...

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They will not allow it, Monsieur Coupon.

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No, no, this work of ingenuity shall bear your name.

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And in ages to come, whenever people tear a bit off the corner,

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which upon redemption represents

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a modest reduction of the chargeable sum levied upon, say...

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..a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets,

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they shall be honouring its creator.

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They will say, "Oh! Look, what have we here?

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"It is a Coupon."

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Like so. And, oh! Do my eyes deceive me?

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No, they do not, it is a coupon.

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Like so.

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Your Majesty...

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Oh, good news for our household carpets.

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We have discovered a coupon.

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Like so.

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Oh! This is the only copy.

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And what is this? Is it a tiny mouse?

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No, it is a coupon. Oh!

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Like so. What do you think this is before us?

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It is a coupon, like so...

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Oh...zis is my...only copy.

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Oh, look at the size of this, ma cherie! It is a very large coupon.

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VACUUM CLEANER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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Have you ever wondered why you hardly see any... Hang on.

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LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC

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Yeah, I...

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Bob... Bob!

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Bob!

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Oh, sorry!

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Thanks. Yeah, I've had a bit of an accident.

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Just hoovering up my grandad's ashes.

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Kevin? Kevin?

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Have you seen my ashes? My collection of different ashes?

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Oh, hello, Grandad.

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Um, no, no, no, I haven't seen your collection of different ashes, no.

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You're acting very suspiciously, Kevin. I'm not sure I believe you.

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If I find out that you've...

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Oooh, my! That's a fancy-dan modern contraption.

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What is it? A compact disc?

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A moon rocket?

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Er, no, Grandad, it's a bagless vacuum cleaner.

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Bagless?

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Bagless, you say? A bagless vacuum cleaner?

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Impossible! Dear, dear, dear. The very idea!

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Bagless!

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Ooh, that was close. He's right, though. How does it work?

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Got the manual here.

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Vortalex's bagless vacuum cleaner...

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< Bagless!

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..literally makes dust a thing of the past.

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Ha, they literally have no idea what the word "literally" literally means!

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So how DOES it work, then?

0:20:260:20:30

Poo-poo, Mr Jolif. More dust.

0:20:330:20:37

Mr Pettigrew, this drawing room is collar-deep in great smuts

0:20:370:20:42

and mantle fluff.

0:20:420:20:44

Where does it all come from?

0:20:440:20:46

We must look to science to determine its cause, Mr Jolif.

0:20:460:20:50

If I'm not very much mistaken,

0:21:010:21:06

these are particles of...

0:21:060:21:10

..the future!

0:21:120:21:13

Huh, guess we'll never know.

0:21:200:21:23

< Bagless! Heh-heh!

0:21:230:21:24

'Hello. And welcome to this week's edition of Cavalcade.

0:21:290:21:33

'Cavalcade was a children's programme which ran on the BBC between 1953 and 1956.

0:21:330:21:38

'Its presenters were Uncle Derek Worthington and Auntie Buntie Jones

0:21:380:21:43

'and they were firm favourites with young and old alike.

0:21:430:21:46

'Here we have a rare clip from their 1954 Christmas Eve

0:21:460:21:49

'show in which they're sharing some friendly banter with special studio guest,

0:21:490:21:53

'philosopher and mathematician Bertrand Russell.'

0:21:530:21:56

'Starting with premises,

0:21:560:21:59

'which are universally admitted to belong to logic.

0:21:590:22:03

'We find mathematically of course that there are merging parameters.

0:22:030:22:08

'And now of course, Mr Russell,

0:22:080:22:10

'that brings us on to deductive influence.'

0:22:100:22:12

'Yes. But of course it's always,

0:22:120:22:14

'it's always important to distinguish deductive validity

0:22:140:22:18

'and inductive validity, or cogency as it is sometimes referred to...'

0:22:180:22:22

Cavalcade, there. It was another age.

0:22:260:22:30

Kids these days would find the idea of formalising an axiomatic

0:22:300:22:33

system in order to prove its logical consistency laughably naive.

0:22:330:22:37

WHOOSHING APPROACHES

0:22:370:22:39

Tea-lady Flo here

0:22:410:22:43

was different from most tea-ladies in that she's a genuine tea-lady.

0:22:430:22:46

And by that, I mean she organically produces tea herself. Don't you, Flo?

0:22:460:22:50

-Yeah.

-So Flo, please could I have a delicious cup of your delicious tea-lady tea, please, Flo?

0:22:500:22:54

Yeah.

0:22:540:22:57

So, what Flo is doing now is she is expressing tea

0:22:570:23:02

from one of her tea-lady tea glands.

0:23:020:23:07

And now...

0:23:070:23:11

Voila! A lovely fresh cup of tea-lady tea.

0:23:110:23:16

Delicious.

0:23:160:23:18

-Chocolate biscuit?

-No, thanks, Flo.

0:23:180:23:21

The door is unlocked. Please come in right away. Please hurry up, I've not got all day.

0:23:250:23:30

Good morning to you. Hello and how do? Now, may I ask, what's the problem with you?

0:23:320:23:36

You're not my usual doctor.

0:23:360:23:37

He's absent, away, not at his station. He's gone off to Cornwall to have a vacation.

0:23:370:23:41

Yeah, what's all this rhyming? I hate rhyming.

0:23:410:23:44

Rhyming, I have to.

0:23:440:23:45

Would be no use if I failed to do rhymes when my name is Dr Seuss.

0:23:450:23:48

Dr Seu... I've got this rash on my leg.

0:23:480:23:53

Yes, I can see. There are red spots on your leg.

0:23:530:23:55

The reason must be that you've eaten blue eggs.

0:23:550:23:58

What on earth are you talking...? And stop rhyming!

0:23:580:24:00

Rhyming drives me mad!

0:24:000:24:02

The blue eggs you've eaten have turned your legs red.

0:24:020:24:05

I prescribe the black milk of the Dreklington Dread.

0:24:050:24:07

I'm warning you!

0:24:070:24:09

-Dreklington Dread is a chicken with hair. It looks like a dog, but smells like a bear.

-All right!

0:24:090:24:14

You've leapt from your chair and you're grasping my throat.

0:24:140:24:16

-I feel quite light-headed, I'm starting to float.

-Stop it!

0:24:160:24:19

Far from releasing, you've tightened your grip, I feel that my life signs are beginning to slip.

0:24:190:24:23

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

0:24:230:24:25

My eyes they are popping, my tongue is unfurled, so this is the end. Goodbye, cruel world.

0:24:250:24:30

Oh, no, I've murdered a rhyming locum!

0:24:310:24:36

Now that's a punchline!

0:24:420:24:44

Thanks, Alison.

0:24:440:24:45

SHE SCREECHES LIKE A PTERODACTYL

0:24:450:24:48

So, yeah, as I was saying, last show in the series.

0:24:540:24:58

And sadly we've come to the bit where I've got to wrap it all up.

0:24:580:25:01

Bob here's going into hibernation. Turn round, Bob.

0:25:010:25:05

In case he wakes up and goes off wandering, you know.

0:25:050:25:08

In you get.

0:25:080:25:09

-Righto.

-Oh, before you do, give me that.

0:25:090:25:12

Some might construe this as a fire hazard.

0:25:120:25:15

-Oh, yeah.

-Health and safety!

0:25:150:25:17

Get yourself comfy.

0:25:170:25:19

There's some tins of lager and scotch eggs hidden in the hay,

0:25:190:25:22

in case you get a bit peckish or thirsty.

0:25:220:25:24

Oh, and I've got you a lovely lullaby to help you get to sleep.

0:25:240:25:28

So anyway, yeah. Thanks for watching.

0:25:280:25:32

And to take us out now, one of my favourite-ever folk groups,

0:25:320:25:36

so proud to have them.

0:25:360:25:38

The Threshers, and a beautiful ballad called Eventide.

0:25:380:25:42

FOLK MUSIC

0:25:420:25:46

# When dusk is come and day is done

0:25:520:25:59

# And all are homeward bound

0:25:590:26:04

HE MIXES DUBSTEP OVER FOLK MUSIC

0:26:040:26:07

# Since then my heart soars high with them

0:26:200:26:26

# To seek your lovely face... #

0:26:260:26:31

DUBSTEP DROWNS OUT FOLK MUSIC

0:26:330:26:35

# Its cold embrace. #

0:26:430:26:46

MUSIC ENDS

0:26:490:26:51

Ah, night-night.

0:26:540:26:56

OPENS BEER

0:27:030:27:04

HE SNORES

0:27:050:27:07

And coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:090:27:12

A-a-and... (NASALLY) ..coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:120:27:15

And... (SMOOTHLY) ..coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:150:27:17

And coming up NEXT on BBC Two...

0:27:170:27:20

("CLUB-STYLE") And coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:200:27:23

(RASPING) And coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:230:27:27

(INCREASINGLY SILLY VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:270:27:30

(JABBERING) And coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:300:27:33

(IN BESTIAL VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two...

0:27:330:27:35

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:350:27:37

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