Browse content similar to Episode 6. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Ladies and gentlemen - It's Kevin. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
HORSE NEIGHS | 0:00:06 | 0:00:10 | |
HE TUNES GUITAR | 0:00:10 | 0:00:11 | |
CHURCH BELL RINGS | 0:00:13 | 0:00:14 | |
GUITAR INTRO - COUNTRY MUSIC | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
# Well, welcome to my show It sure is good to see you folks | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
# We've got ourselves some comedy with crazy skits and jokes | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
# We've got some songs to make ya laugh and some to make ya cry | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
# So help yourself to grits and corn, there's plenty pecan pie | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
# I want to hear a hee, a haw and can I hear a ho? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
# I do believe we're going to see what's called a do-si-do | 0:00:41 | 0:00:45 | |
# Hey, yeah it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show | 0:00:45 | 0:00:50 | |
# Yee-haa! | 0:00:50 | 0:00:51 | |
# Hell, yeah It's the Kevin Eldon Show | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:56 | |
MUSIC STYLE TURNS ELECTRONIC | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
(ELECTRONIC VOICE SAMPLE) # Show, show, show, show, show, show... # | 0:00:58 | 0:01:03 | |
# Got a show right here it's smoking, toking, want to see ya laughing and a-joking | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
# Got some jokes that pump and thump and hump and mess-up and think there's even one about a dumpling. # | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
LYRICS BECOME UNINTELLIGIBLE | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
# ..Cos all is need is oxygen! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
# Oxygen, oxygen Bob, can you bring some oxygen? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
# Oxygen, oxygen, I really need some oxygen! Oxygen, oxygen! # | 0:01:21 | 0:01:27 | |
HE INHALES DEEPLY | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
Aaahhh! | 0:01:29 | 0:01:30 | |
COCK CROWS | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
COUNTRY MUSIC STYLE | 0:01:32 | 0:01:33 | |
# Hot dog, it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show | 0:01:33 | 0:01:38 | |
# Lord have mercy! | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
# Hoo-wee, it's the Kevin Eldon Show, | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
# Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-w. # | 0:01:49 | 0:01:58 | |
Yee-haa! | 0:01:58 | 0:01:59 | |
All right! | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
Hmm, you really are making excellent progress, Mrs Drury. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
I'll just get the nurse to take your temperature. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
I take it you don't object to being treated by a sexy '80s nurse? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:15 | |
Nurse! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
TROMBONE STRIPTEASE MUSIC | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Cor! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
Blimey! | 0:02:36 | 0:02:37 | |
Whoops! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:03:02 | 0:03:03 | |
I...I...I...I...I... | 0:03:05 | 0:03:10 | |
I'll see you the same time tomorrow, Mrs Drury. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
Delightful card. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:18 | |
Ahhh! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
It's the last show of the series, so quite frankly, | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
this week I am spoiling myself rotten. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Just a bit lower there please, Olga. Ah, thanks very much. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
And why not - it's only your money. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
Some of which I'm also using to hire close-up magician Billy Pike | 0:03:30 | 0:03:34 | |
to personally entertain me. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
-Hi, Billy. -Hello. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
I love close-up magic. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
Well, how about this? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
Oh, it's magic! | 0:03:44 | 0:03:45 | |
Abracadabra. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:46 | |
How do you do it? | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
I start by holding the coin between me forefinger and me thumb | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
and moving the other hand across it like this. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
When I open me hand, it appears like it's vanished. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
In fact, I don't take it. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Just let the coin fall into this hand, like so. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
But the next bit is a bit trickier. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
If I want to move the coin from the palm of me | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
hand to behind your ear, I have to summon up the power of pure evil, | 0:04:06 | 0:04:11 | |
which I've harnessed in the form of a still-beating human heart, | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
that I cut from the living body of a virgin. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Oh. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
I keep in this shoebox. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Oh, yeah, that is still beating, isn't it? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
Yeah, it has to be a beating heart...of a virgin. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
DISTANT SCREAMS | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Or else the trick... | 0:04:29 | 0:04:30 | |
..won't work! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:33 | |
So it's actually quite simple, isn't it? | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
When you know how. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
Hey, do you fancy a massage? | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
Ooh, I wouldn't say no. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
KNUCKLES CRACK | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
Be gentle! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:47 | |
What? Howay, man! That's shite! | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
It's nothing like us. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
Ya want to lay aff the Rioja! | 0:05:08 | 0:05:09 | |
-And now... -Excuse me? Would you like a fight? | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
Um...no, not just now, thanks. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Right ho. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:20 | |
And now once more to the white coat window | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
on the world of worldwide wonders with the wuverly Wendy Wilson. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
Wendy, welcome and wa wa woo? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
-What's that? -How are you? | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
-Fine, thank you. -Warvellous. Um, I bought some flowers. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
Oh, yes - Aster alpinus. Imperilled in certain Canadian provinces. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:42 | |
The multiverse? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:45 | |
Yes, this is the theory that there is an infinite | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
number of universes in which every possible scenario is played out. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
And this is a machine I've invented, the Multiversoscope, | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
which allows us to briefly view those universes. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
-You are so clever. -Yes, I am. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Now, let's see what this show looks like in other universes. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
I just type in "It's Kevin"... | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
..and push this button for a random selection... | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
and... | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
According to the readout, in this universe, | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
you are a grossly stereotypical Scotsman. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Yeah... What do you mean, grossly stereotypical? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
-Oooh, what's this? -Apparently this is a universe where you're a toy helicopter. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:27 | |
Oh, look! Look at my tiny rotor blades! | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
And this is you in a universe where there are no foot spas. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:37 | |
No foot spas? Wow, we are through the looking glass here, people. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:42 | |
And in this universe, there's only one foot spa. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
(STRAINED) Oh, one foot spa! | 0:06:45 | 0:06:49 | |
And in this universe, | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
you're that woman that put the cat in a wheelie bin. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
-Oh, yeah! -So as you can see, in the multiverse, | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
absolutely anything is possible. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
Anything at all. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
In that case, then, there's a universe somewhere where you and I... | 0:07:01 | 0:07:06 | |
-Yes? -We're both... | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
..wheat intolerant. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:12 | |
Without a doubt. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:13 | |
Great. Thanks, Wendy. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
You're welcome. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
BRASS BAND MUSIC | 0:07:23 | 0:07:24 | |
Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
I am a fictional man from the north of England. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
Fictional, mind, fictional. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
So, imagine my disgust t'other day | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
when I sat down to table only to discover that me tea weren't ready! | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
For although I am a fictional northern man, I am a traditional fictional northern man. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:46 | |
I race pigeons! I never win, but it's taking part that counts. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
I go down t'mine ten hours every day. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
It's been closed for years, but old habits... I keep whippets! | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
In t'freezer. Stops 'em going off so fast. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
So when I, a traditional fictional northern man, sit down to t'tea | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
table, clock on t'mantelpiece striking six, only to be confronted | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
with nowt but t'bare tablecloth - which were filthy, incidentally - | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
a very ancient fury were ignited. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
"Wife!" I shouted. "Wife! Wife! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
"Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!" | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
Decisions. There are small ones and not-so-small ones. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
And every now and then, you make a decision, don't you, that changes your whole life. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
I recently made a decision like that when I decided to foster a ghost. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Do you want to meet her? | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
Chloe? Chloe? | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
She's really been through it, poor thing. She drowned in a peat bog | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
around the middle of the 19th century, whilst running away from a particularly brutal orphanage. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
I'm surprised she's as well-adjusted as she is. Hey, Chloe. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:54 | |
Do you want to say hello? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:55 | |
SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
Yeah, she'll be fine once she's settled into her routine. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
Won't you, Chloe? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:07 | |
SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
You just have to ignore this sort of thing, apparently. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
"..Wife! Wife! Wife! | 0:09:21 | 0:09:26 | |
"Wife! Wife! Wife!" | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Did I get an answer? Did I buggery as 'eck like dry-stone wall. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:33 | |
I were about to take me temper out on me pipe rack | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
and not for t'first time either, when I heard somebody slipping in. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
"Oh, how very kind of you to make an appearance, lady," | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
I quipped sarcastically. "What time do you call this?" | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
"Time you found a wife," said old Tom from next door, | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
for it was he. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:49 | |
"Me and the Mrs is sick of this, six o'clock every bloody night, | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
"this racket kicking off. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
"If you don't stop shouting, 'Wife! Wife!' | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
"we're going to tell t'Council, then you'll get what for." | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
Well, I couldn't very well much say to that, could I? | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
Cos I'd ruptured me larynx shouting "Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife! | 0:10:02 | 0:10:09 | |
"Wife! | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
"Wi-fe! Wi-ife! Wii-ife!" | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
DUBSTEP MUSIC | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
Ah, just chilling out to some dubstep. I love dubstep. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:29 | |
Did you know that dubstep's calming influence is being | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
recommended by qualified medical practitioners to relieve | 0:10:32 | 0:10:36 | |
stress in all kinds of situations? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
DUBSTEP BLARES | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
At the dentists'... | 0:10:40 | 0:10:41 | |
MUSIC BLARES | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
..during labour... | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
..at times of bereavement. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:57 | |
Ahh, dubstep. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:08 | |
Hey, Bob - do you like dubstep? | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
Yes, I do like dubstep. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:13 | |
In fact, I'm going to listen to some dubstep right now. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
Oh, before you go to listen to some dubstep, do you think you could | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
bring over a few of those leaflets they've put through the door? | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
I fancy some takeaway. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:23 | |
Righto. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:24 | |
Cheers. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
Whoo! You can hear my stomach rumbling! | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
Oh, no. It's the dubstep. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
Here we go. So what do you fancy? | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
We've got Sausage Abattoir, Hen Shed, Paella Cellar, | 0:11:36 | 0:11:41 | |
Risotto Grotto, Stalag Burger, Offal Hovel, | 0:11:41 | 0:11:46 | |
Giblet Attic, Fritter Cottage, | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Grub Ditch, Snack Dump, Soup Trough, | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
Kebab Cupboard, Maison de Biryani, | 0:11:53 | 0:11:58 | |
Lamb Dungeon, Gammon Pantry, | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
Pastapartment, or Spam Toilet. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
Hmmm. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:08 | |
Could you do us a cheese sandwich, Bob? | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
Coming up! | 0:12:12 | 0:12:13 | |
THANKS, BOB! | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
There's everything you need at a price you'll love at Fortune Cruncher. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
A pack of four kitchen rolls for £5,000! | 0:12:23 | 0:12:28 | |
What an absolute fortune! | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
Three washing-up sponges, £2,800. A4 lined refill pad, £1,100. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:36 | |
Unbranded Bulgarian Mars Bars, £700 each, two for £3,000. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
With every Fortune Cruncher bargain you can rest assured you're | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
paying way, way, way over the odds! | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
These prices are obscene! | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
Fortune Cruncher, why pay less if you can afford MORE? | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
If you remember skinheads, the Millennium bug or homosexuals, | 0:12:55 | 0:13:01 | |
you'll love Classic Threats Magazine, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
the reassuring read about things that don't seem quite so scary any more. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
Issue one comes with a free classic Protect and Survive manual | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
and a necrotising fasciitis face mask. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
Classic Threats magazine, because fear plus time equals fun. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:17 | |
Ooh, here, there's a man now. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
Excuse me, Kevin. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
-Oh, yes, Margaret. -You've got a book out that was due back a week ago. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:27 | |
-Really? -Yes. Um, what was it called... | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
Ah! A Thousand Bums by Colin Diss. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:35 | |
A Thous... Oh, yeah! | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Sorry, Margaret. I've been meaning to get that back to you. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
Er, I saw it around here earlier somewhere. There it is. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
Yeah, sorry about that, Margaret. Here you are. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
Oh, not to worry. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:05 | |
Oh! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
Oh! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:11 | |
Bye, Margaret. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
Bye...Kevin. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
Now, where was I? | 0:14:21 | 0:14:22 | |
Oh, yeah. Imagine being a man who hasn't sat down for 24 years. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Well, this next man doesn't need to, cos he hasn't. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
This is Standing Up Salim. Hello, Standing Up Salim. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
-How are you doing? -Have a seat! | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
What are you doing?! | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
-No! -What did you sit down for? | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
-But you said "take a seat". -That was a joke. I was joking! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
-You caught me off guard! -Bloody hell! | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
There's a seat here! | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
Yeah, but... | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
-I don't believe this! -Quick, stand up again! -No, it's too late now! | 0:14:46 | 0:14:50 | |
I know, you could stay sitting down and become known as | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
Sitting Down Salim. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
-Aye, all right, aye. -Oh, brilliant! | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
So, ladies and gentlemen, here we have Standing Up...Sitting Down Salim. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
So, Sitting Down Salim, how long have you been sitting down? | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
Over 15 seconds, but, er... Think I'm going to enjoy it! | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
-Well, long may it continue. Thank you very much, Sitting Down Salim. -Cheers. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:14 | |
EXCLAIMS IN OWN LANGUAGE | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
I couldn't have put it better myself. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
Margaret? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:26 | |
Monsieur Benedict Coupon. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
Monsieur Coupon. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:36 | |
Your Gracious Majesty. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
Paris is alive with talk of your fabulous new invention. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:44 | |
You will show me, please? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
Your Majesty. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:48 | |
Perpetual motion has long been but a dream. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:56 | |
But now with my new creation... | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Yes, yes, yes, and what is this? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
That? | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
Oh, Monseigneur, it's just a bit that got torn off the corner. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
Now, perpetual motion... | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
Genius. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:11 | |
Your Majesty? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
Monsieur Coupon, correct me if I am mistaken, but you are proposing | 0:16:13 | 0:16:18 | |
the idea that this bit that got torn off the corner could be worth | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
upon presentation a saving of a small amount of the total | 0:16:22 | 0:16:27 | |
cost of say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets? | 0:16:27 | 0:16:32 | |
Are you not? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
Er... | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
Sire, if I may explain... | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
God himself has spoken to you, Monsieur Coupon. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:43 | |
He has shown you the grace and the beauty of a system whereby | 0:16:43 | 0:16:48 | |
a bit that got torn off the corner may be exchanged in return | 0:16:48 | 0:16:53 | |
for the lessening of the payment due on a purchased item. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Such as...say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets. | 0:16:56 | 0:17:01 | |
And now, no doubt, my dear Monsieur Coupon, | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
you come here to Versailles to beg me | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
to allow you to name this new modern wonder the Louis XIV after me. Eh? | 0:17:08 | 0:17:13 | |
-Er... -Shhh... | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
They will not allow it, Monsieur Coupon. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
No, no, this work of ingenuity shall bear your name. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:24 | |
And in ages to come, whenever people tear a bit off the corner, | 0:17:24 | 0:17:30 | |
which upon redemption represents | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
a modest reduction of the chargeable sum levied upon, say... | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
..a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets, | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
they shall be honouring its creator. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
They will say, "Oh! Look, what have we here? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:59 | |
"It is a Coupon." | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
Like so. And, oh! Do my eyes deceive me? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:07 | |
No, they do not, it is a coupon. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
Like so. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
Your Majesty... | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Oh, good news for our household carpets. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
We have discovered a coupon. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Like so. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
Oh! This is the only copy. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
And what is this? Is it a tiny mouse? | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
No, it is a coupon. Oh! | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Like so. What do you think this is before us? | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
It is a coupon, like so... | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
Oh...zis is my...only copy. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
Oh, look at the size of this, ma cherie! It is a very large coupon. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:42 | |
VACUUM CLEANER DROWNS OUT SPEECH | 0:18:46 | 0:18:47 | |
Have you ever wondered why you hardly see any... Hang on. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:51 | |
LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
Yeah, I... | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
Bob... Bob! | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Bob! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
Oh, sorry! | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
Thanks. Yeah, I've had a bit of an accident. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
Just hoovering up my grandad's ashes. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
Kevin? Kevin? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
Have you seen my ashes? My collection of different ashes? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:22 | |
Oh, hello, Grandad. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Um, no, no, no, I haven't seen your collection of different ashes, no. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
You're acting very suspiciously, Kevin. I'm not sure I believe you. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
If I find out that you've... | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Oooh, my! That's a fancy-dan modern contraption. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:39 | |
What is it? A compact disc? | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
A moon rocket? | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
Er, no, Grandad, it's a bagless vacuum cleaner. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
Bagless? | 0:19:47 | 0:19:48 | |
Bagless, you say? A bagless vacuum cleaner? | 0:19:50 | 0:19:55 | |
Impossible! Dear, dear, dear. The very idea! | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
Bagless! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
Ooh, that was close. He's right, though. How does it work? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:08 | |
Got the manual here. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:09 | |
Vortalex's bagless vacuum cleaner... | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
< Bagless! | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
..literally makes dust a thing of the past. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
Ha, they literally have no idea what the word "literally" literally means! | 0:20:17 | 0:20:22 | |
So how DOES it work, then? | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
Poo-poo, Mr Jolif. More dust. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:37 | |
Mr Pettigrew, this drawing room is collar-deep in great smuts | 0:20:37 | 0:20:42 | |
and mantle fluff. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
Where does it all come from? | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
We must look to science to determine its cause, Mr Jolif. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
If I'm not very much mistaken, | 0:21:01 | 0:21:06 | |
these are particles of... | 0:21:06 | 0:21:10 | |
..the future! | 0:21:12 | 0:21:13 | |
Huh, guess we'll never know. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
< Bagless! Heh-heh! | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
'Hello. And welcome to this week's edition of Cavalcade. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:33 | |
'Cavalcade was a children's programme which ran on the BBC between 1953 and 1956. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:38 | |
'Its presenters were Uncle Derek Worthington and Auntie Buntie Jones | 0:21:38 | 0:21:43 | |
'and they were firm favourites with young and old alike. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
'Here we have a rare clip from their 1954 Christmas Eve | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
'show in which they're sharing some friendly banter with special studio guest, | 0:21:49 | 0:21:53 | |
'philosopher and mathematician Bertrand Russell.' | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
'Starting with premises, | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
'which are universally admitted to belong to logic. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:03 | |
'We find mathematically of course that there are merging parameters. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:08 | |
'And now of course, Mr Russell, | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
'that brings us on to deductive influence.' | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
'Yes. But of course it's always, | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
'it's always important to distinguish deductive validity | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
'and inductive validity, or cogency as it is sometimes referred to...' | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
Cavalcade, there. It was another age. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
Kids these days would find the idea of formalising an axiomatic | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
system in order to prove its logical consistency laughably naive. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
WHOOSHING APPROACHES | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
Tea-lady Flo here | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
was different from most tea-ladies in that she's a genuine tea-lady. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
And by that, I mean she organically produces tea herself. Don't you, Flo? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:50 | |
-Yeah. -So Flo, please could I have a delicious cup of your delicious tea-lady tea, please, Flo? | 0:22:50 | 0:22:54 | |
Yeah. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
So, what Flo is doing now is she is expressing tea | 0:22:57 | 0:23:02 | |
from one of her tea-lady tea glands. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:07 | |
And now... | 0:23:07 | 0:23:11 | |
Voila! A lovely fresh cup of tea-lady tea. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:16 | |
Delicious. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
-Chocolate biscuit? -No, thanks, Flo. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
The door is unlocked. Please come in right away. Please hurry up, I've not got all day. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:30 | |
Good morning to you. Hello and how do? Now, may I ask, what's the problem with you? | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
You're not my usual doctor. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:37 | |
He's absent, away, not at his station. He's gone off to Cornwall to have a vacation. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:41 | |
Yeah, what's all this rhyming? I hate rhyming. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
Rhyming, I have to. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:45 | |
Would be no use if I failed to do rhymes when my name is Dr Seuss. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
Dr Seu... I've got this rash on my leg. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:53 | |
Yes, I can see. There are red spots on your leg. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
The reason must be that you've eaten blue eggs. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
What on earth are you talking...? And stop rhyming! | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
Rhyming drives me mad! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
The blue eggs you've eaten have turned your legs red. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
I prescribe the black milk of the Dreklington Dread. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
I'm warning you! | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
-Dreklington Dread is a chicken with hair. It looks like a dog, but smells like a bear. -All right! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:14 | |
You've leapt from your chair and you're grasping my throat. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
-I feel quite light-headed, I'm starting to float. -Stop it! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Far from releasing, you've tightened your grip, I feel that my life signs are beginning to slip. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:23 | |
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
My eyes they are popping, my tongue is unfurled, so this is the end. Goodbye, cruel world. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:30 | |
Oh, no, I've murdered a rhyming locum! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:36 | |
Now that's a punchline! | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Thanks, Alison. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:45 | |
SHE SCREECHES LIKE A PTERODACTYL | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
So, yeah, as I was saying, last show in the series. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
And sadly we've come to the bit where I've got to wrap it all up. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
Bob here's going into hibernation. Turn round, Bob. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
In case he wakes up and goes off wandering, you know. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
In you get. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
-Righto. -Oh, before you do, give me that. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
Some might construe this as a fire hazard. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
-Oh, yeah. -Health and safety! | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
Get yourself comfy. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
There's some tins of lager and scotch eggs hidden in the hay, | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
in case you get a bit peckish or thirsty. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
Oh, and I've got you a lovely lullaby to help you get to sleep. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
So anyway, yeah. Thanks for watching. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
And to take us out now, one of my favourite-ever folk groups, | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
so proud to have them. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
The Threshers, and a beautiful ballad called Eventide. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
FOLK MUSIC | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
# When dusk is come and day is done | 0:25:52 | 0:25:59 | |
# And all are homeward bound | 0:25:59 | 0:26:04 | |
HE MIXES DUBSTEP OVER FOLK MUSIC | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
# Since then my heart soars high with them | 0:26:20 | 0:26:26 | |
# To seek your lovely face... # | 0:26:26 | 0:26:31 | |
DUBSTEP DROWNS OUT FOLK MUSIC | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
# Its cold embrace. # | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
MUSIC ENDS | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
Ah, night-night. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:56 | |
OPENS BEER | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
HE SNORES | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
And coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
A-a-and... (NASALLY) ..coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
And... (SMOOTHLY) ..coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
And coming up NEXT on BBC Two... | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
("CLUB-STYLE") And coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
(RASPING) And coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:23 | 0:27:27 | |
(INCREASINGLY SILLY VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
(JABBERING) And coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:30 | 0:27:33 | |
(IN BESTIAL VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two... | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 |