Episode 2 Ja'mie: Private School Girl

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

It's my last three months before I finish school for ever.

-I love you so fucking much!

-You're my best friend.

And it looks like I'm going to win the prestigious Hillford Medal

for demonstrating Christian values and being good at everything.

I love it here!

Mr Hayes busted me and my Prefects for making our dance too sexual.

There is to be no undergarments seen at any time, OK?

Those dance moves aren't OK for things like schoolies.

-Go fucking fist yourself.

-All right, horse face, I will.

And the lesbian boarders were being fucking little bitches as usual.

Fuckin' slut! You've got a Friday, by the way. I'm writing it up!

My gay best friend, Cody, tipped me off

about a hot new boy that's just started at Kelton.

Fuck my life... He's so fucking quiche!

I'm Ja'mie.

But my bitch of a mother ruined everything.

I told you fucking 3:10, not 3:0 fucking 7.

I know how to text and drive. I'm not a fucking idiot.

We had a sleepover and then Dad said that he was OK for us to host

a massive party at my house.

So I'm going to invite Mitchell.

-Oh, my God. So we can do it?

-Yes, OK.

I can't even deal with how excited I am about everything

in my life right now.

-I love you so...

-It's going to be so fucking cool!

MUSIC: "Wings" by Little Mix

Oh, my God. Immy, did you get my message?

Seriously, guys, I have the most hectic news.

I can't even deal with how random this is.

-What is it?

-OK, game-changer, guys.

You're making me nervous. What's going on?

-You know Kwami, the African...

-Yeah.

..that I read to? Last night, he sends me a dick pic.

No...

-Seriously. I'll show you.

-Show me. Show me.

Oh, my God! Is it hard?

'Is it hard?' Can you not tell the difference?

-That's so cray. It's kind of chunky.

-I know!

It's actually quite hot for a dick, I reck.

Why does it bend like that? That's so weird.

Yeah. And it's so much pinker than I thought it would be.

I thought it was going to be, like, really black.

'Cause his face is black, but it's weird that, like,

that would be pink.

-Oh, my God, it's so big, Ja'mie.

-It's definitely his dick, though.

It's really awkies 'cause I feel like I should send him

a tit photo but...

-It's, like, protocol but it's, like...

-Yeah, gotta send something.

I know. I don't want him to see how small my tits are.

-Why do you care? Do you like him?

-No.

-Oh, you so do!

-I don't like him.

-Whoo!

-He's African! I don't like him.

-You're blushing.

-I'm not blushing.

I'm just, like... It's, like, FML. I don't know what to do.

-What should I do?

-Have you sent anything back?

I sent back a message. I sent some blushing-face emoticons and stuff.

-Like, a winky one.

-Yeah. That's good.

He'll probably just be jerking off, knowing that you've seen it.

Seriously, how cute would our babies be, though?

But then I'd have to have sex with him,

and he's got that...really weird dick.

Like, it's quiche, but it's, like, kind of long.

-Morning, girls.

-Hi, sir.

-How are you, sir?

-Really good, thanks, Jamie.

-How you going?

Great, Jamie, and I'm very excited about this afternoon's rehearsal.

-Are you coming to choir practice?

-Yes, I am.

-Miss told us.

Guys, Sir's coming to choir.

It's going to be really cool having you there.

You're going to love it so much. Seriously, sir.

I've got a solo at the beginning. I sound amazing.

-Like, I'm not even joking.

-Great, great. I look forward to it.

That's a really cool suit, sir. Is that new?

-Actually, it is. Well spotted.

-I love it.

It's, like, really kind of slimming on you.

Thank you. You need to mix them up every now and then.

Yeah. Good choice. Is that Italian cotton? Or what is it?

I don't know. I just wear them when the wife buys them.

-Anyway, girls, have a good day. Bye.

-Bye! See you, sir.

Ja'mie! You're bad!

He totally gets off on talking to me. I'm giving him what he wants.

You're disgusting. Mr Hayes is so chat!

The way you were stroking his suit,

he probably cracked a fat and had to leave.

-He's only human.

-You're so fucking quiche.

I know I'm quiche, babes. Don't be jel. It doesn't suit you.

-Well, anyway, we heard about the party.

-Oh, my God. Seriously,

I cannot even deal with how good the party's going to be.

-You have the best party house.

-I know! The pool and everything.

Oh, my God. I'm going to get crashy as.

And we invited the hot Year 10 boys,

like Josh McLaughlin and Mitchell, the new guy.

Mitchell! Oh, my God!

Seriously, right now, I am shipping me and Mitchell so badly.

Did you guys see he friended me on Facebook?

-Yeah.

-Are you kidding?

-I was looking at his photos.

-He's so hot.

-Did you look at the Bali ones?

-Yeah.

-Fuck, he seriously is the hottest guy.

-So jealous of you.

He's kind of, like, sporty, but he's also a little bit pretty boy.

Yeah.

And his eyebrows. Oh, fuck, they're so hot.

-And his abs.

-He friended you. I'm so jealous.

I know. Seriously, him and me is, like, the future.

-The perfect couple.

-Could happen. Could happen at the party.

But seriously, have you guys heard what I'm calling the party?

I'm calling it the Perfect Prefect Party.

-'Cause it's, like, PPP, so it's...

-No, that's cute.

And it's us and we're perfect.

-We should totally make a Facey event for it.

-Yes!

And have, like, a group photo of us on it.

We should totally take a photo today somewhere. A full selfie.

Like, not even a selfie.

Get some random to take it of all of us and put it on as the cover thing.

-The cover photo.

-Oh, my God.

Yeah, 'cause my hair's looking really good. Is my T-zone shiny?

Let me see. No, you're fine.

Oh, my God. I should totes do an announcement.

-Yeah.

-Guys!

Excuse me, all of Year 12, there's a party at my house on Friday.

It's called the Perfect Prefect Party.

There's going to be a Facebook event up about it today.

So you're all invited. See you Friday.

-Ja'mie, we have to go.

-Oh, my God. I love you guys.

-Love you. Mwah, mwah!

-Love you.

-See you at recess.

I love you so much. Seriously, Morgan, I fucking love you.

I fucking love you, too, Ja'mie. We're going to miss you so much.

-Love you both.

-Bye, guys.

-Seriously. ILY!

-I'll text you if anything happens.

Ja'mie, are we inviting everyone to the party?

Um, well, everyone except Asians and boarders, obviously.

What about Asians like Rachel Lew and that?

-Rachel can come. She's hot as.

-Yeah, she's so quiche.

-I don't even think of her as Asian.

-Yeah, she's not even.

Put your phone away. You're on school grounds, OK?

I'll give you a Friday if I see it again.

In your locker.

MUSIC: "Why Am I Crying" by Molly Sanden

I love dance. It's, like, the best subject ever.

It's, like, I love my class so much

'cause, like, my besties Olivia and Madison are in it

and my GB, Cody, is in it - my gay bestie.

'Cause he's, like... He wanted to do it at Kelton

but he can't do it there

so we let him do it here, which is so cute.

My dance solo is such a big deal.

It's worth, like, 50% of my overall dance mark.

So I'm focusing a lot of attention on it.

So, like, I'm aiming for an ATAR of 99 'cause I want to get into PR

at uni next year and do, like, events and stuff.

Well, not next year 'cause I'm taking my gap year next year.

I'm going to do aid work in Africa.

It's really, like, bad over there and stuff... Um, yeah.

So, like, the other thing I want to do is modelling next year,

like, focus on modelling and, um...

And because I'll be in Africa,

like, I'm thinking, like, I probably won't be eating much food

so, like, if I do the portfolio photoshoot,

I'll probably be looking really hot.

The theme of my dance solo is aid work in Africa.

So it's, like, about all the kind of bad stuff I'm going to see

and me, like, stopping child slavery

and just healing people and stuff like that.

The other theme of my dance solo

is, like, the turmoil of, like, wanting to do modelling

as well as my charity stuff, do you know what I mean?

So, like, the kind of anguish going on in my head

about, you know, "What do I choose?"

And I just express that turmoil through dance.

And they're choosing the best dance soloist

to perform at Presentation Day in front of the whole school.

And it's the centenary Presentation Day so really big deal.

So good, Ja'mie, I was almost crying. It's totes adorbs.

I could tell you were about to lose it.

You're such an amazing dancer. I'm in shock.

You're going to be doing that at Presentation Day.

-I'm going to be bawling.

-Love you so fucking much, Babes.

-Oh, my God. How ridic is this going to be?

-It's going to be so ridic.

Erin Walker is this boarder

and she is seriously - no offence - such a dumb bitch.

She's pretty much a confirmed lesbian. She's severely overweight.

And she's, like, a massive suck.

MUSIC STARTS

Like, she sucks up to the teachers so badly. It's, like, ridic.

Like, she's always, like, "Oh, my God. I'm so good at everything.

"Like, look at all the badges on my blazer."

It's, like, seriously, get over yourself.

She comes from this country town, right?

And she was on the news last year because the town flooded and, um,

like, a guy died or something.

And she claims that she, like, saved the town.

Like, there was a thing on the news

and Erin was, like, filling up sandbags.

Like, trying to, like, stop the riverbank from killing people.

And it was, like... It was so ridiculous.

And then we had this assembly, right,

and everyone had to get up and applaud.

And she, like, started crying. It was so ridic. Seriously.

She needs to, like, stop going on about herself

and think about losing some weight.

My dance is about the floods and depicting through movement

the emotion involved of getting the community together.

It's a celebration of the community spirit

and the awesome force of Mother Nature.

So I told Josh and all of his friends

to meet us after choir practice.

-They're going to meet us in the hall.

-Did you say bring Mitchell?

Obvs. Why do you think I would invite them?

We're going to give you and Mitchell solo time to get to know each other.

-God, I'm so nervous.

-No need to be nervous.

I'm going to be so embarrassed when I see him.

-Why?

-'Cause he's so hot.

And I'm just, like... I'm really into him.

Oh, good, then.

I'm looking really quiche today, though, don't you reckon?

Like, I'm looking flat as in my sports bra,

but, like, imagine me in school uniform.

Yeah, quiche as.

I'm having a quiche hair day, too, don't you reckon?

FML for me having small tits. It sucks.

Seriously, don't worry about that, Ja'mie.

This is the hottest we are ever going to look in our lives, girls,

and I'm a fucking A cup. Seriously.

You're adorbs, babes. Seriously, you'd look weird with massive tits.

You're the hottest girl in Year 12 and you know you are.

I know I am, but I just don't like having small tits.

It's, like... It's, like, FML. You know?

It's, like, boys always talk about tits. It makes me really insecure.

-But does it really matter?

-Yeah, it matters.

Because he might, like, be into big tits

and he might reject me because he doesn't like my tits.

-You can't think like that.

-So it matters.

Well, if it happens, I'll blame you.

-Um, cool dance, Erin. Really creative.

-Thanks.

WTF?

What are you doing, Ja'mie? You look like a freak.

Trying to take my bra off without flashing my tits.

And considering present company, I think it's probably a good idea.

-Well, why don't we hold up towels?

-OK.

-Two towels. I need two.

-Sure. Here.

-I don't want to arouse certain people.

-No.

Some of us are straight in here.

-God, she's so traj.

-Hold them still, bitches.

-Oh, my God. Can she...

-Don't look.

-She keeps looking.

-Can you not look?

-How much of a perv is she?

-Fucking bitch.

# As I look back on my education

# And all that I have learned

# Get a glimpse of my life destination

# And fly up like a bird

# This girl is... #

This year, we're combining junior and senior choirs

for our Presentation Day.

As you may be aware, it's our centenary celebration,

so we're taking it up a notch.

# Teach and you shall learn... #

And we've got our multi-talented student Jamie King,

who's actually written a piece for this assembly.

# I'm learning to be me

# I'm learning to be me... #

She's based it on the motto of the school - Docendo Discimus -

which is "Teaching in order to learn."

# Docendo Discimus... #

And to that, she's added her own phrase "Learning to be me,"

which really rounds it off and makes it a real expression

of what it means to be a Hillford girl.

# I'm learning to be me

# I'm learning to be me

# I'm learning to be me

# I'm learning to be me. #

Well done, girls. Fantastic stuff. Really spine-tingling.

It'll be even better on the night, won't it, girls?

Miss, could I just run through with my juniors?

'Cause they were sounding really bad in the end.

-OK, that's a good idea.

-Yeah, the harmonies and stuff.

Sectionals, girls. Can I get my juniors over to the piano, please?

-Years 7 and 8's with me, please.

-Juniors.

OK, um, Courtney, I could hear you and, no offence,

but you sound really shit.

So can I get you and Selena

-just to go through alto-soprano parts on the chorus?

-No. Why?

Because it's sounding bad and you've gotta get it right, OK?

We sound just fine. Ask Miss Duffy.

You don't. I can hear you and you sound shit.

OK. Five, six, seven, eight.

# Teach and you shall learn... #

Stop.

Are you fucking serious? Are you trying to sound bad?

-That was bad.

-We sound fine.

And what about your gay solo line where you go, "Educa-shon"?

Shut up. All of you bitches, do not laugh or you'll get Fridays.

Grow some tits and shut your fat face, OK?

At least I've got a solo line, OK?

-The solo sucks!

-At least I wrote the song.

All you've got is a flat chest and chin acne.

So do what I say and practise it again.

Miss, don't worry about packing up.

We'll do it, the Prefects will do it.

-So you can go.

-All right then.

-Have a great night, Miss.

-Thank you, Jamie.

Awesome rehearsal. See ya, Miss. Thank you.

Erin, we're packing up. Prefects are packing up.

We don't need your help. Go. Go. Erin! Leave.

Bye. Bye.

Fucking bitch.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.

-They're here.

They're actually here? Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

I am freaking out. Is anyone else freaking out?

Yes, yes!

Actually, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Before you open the door, I've gotta do this.

Quickly! Quick. Oh, my God. OK. OK, OK, OK, OK.

OK. Go.

OK, quick. Get in, get in. Did anyone see you?

We're so busted if Mr Hayes sees you.

Hey! I didn't think you were going to come.

You didn't respond to my Facebook message.

-I didn't have my phone on me.

-I thought you hated me.

-No.

Um, that's OK that you didn't respond, so...

Um, guys, does everyone know about the Perfect Prefect Party?

-Yeah.

-My house, on Friday.

-Yeah, are you coming?

-Make sure you RSVP.

Um, so...come and sit over...

Are you settling into school really well?

-Yeah, I like it. It's all right.

-That's cool.

Um, so Year 10. That's really...

It's a really, um, like... It's such a bludge year, like...

I remember Year 10.

It was, like, really cool 'cause there's heaps of parties and stuff

-and everyone's, like, hooking up.

-Yeah, pretty cool.

-That's cool.

-It's probably like that at Kelton too.

-Um, Ja'mie.

We were thinking of all going to the shops

and leaving you and Mitchell to chat.

Oh, OK. Um, yeah, cool. I'll text you. Love you.

-Love you guys. ILY, everyone.

-See you, boys.

I love you so fucking much. Bye.

-I did not plan that to happen.

-Yeah...

I promise you. I didn't. When it comes to guys,

like, I'm the one in my group that knows the most about guys.

Like, I kind of know how to handle the male species,

if you know what I mean.

Like, I know how to get what I want.

I have a way of being able to, like, draw guys in.

Like, number one rule when you're with a guy - be yourself.

Don't be fake. Guys hate it.

-It's like a stadium.

-You are so funny.

You crack me up so much. Seriously.

And, you know, if guys are really into sport,

then ask them about the sport that they're into.

Pretend that you're into it too.

I am really into football. Like, I love it.

Like, I'm seriously... I'm cray for it.

You wouldn't think from looking at me, but I'm, like,

really into football. Like, all codes and stuff.

A good way of getting really physical with a guy

is, like, you ask them about their muscles.

Like, guys love talking about their muscles.

Flex it again. Go from non-flex to flex.

Oh, my God! That kind of breaks the ice

and gets you in a sort of, like, skin-on-skin kind of contact way.

And guys, like, they feel a connection with you.

There's sort of like a warmth.

I would kill to have my Year 10 body back.

One of the really important things

is to let guys know who you really are.

Guys love it when you tell them everything.

They want to know what you're all about.

I used to have, like, a full eating disorder in Year 8.

And then, like, I went full emo. In, like, Year 9, I was like...

Well, not, like, ugly emo. Like, hot emo.

And then, like, I went really indie, like, in Year 10.

I nearly, like, drowned myself once in the bath.

Yeah, my mum came in. I was, like, face down.

But I was only down for, like, 30 seconds so I couldn't have died.

I love music festivals. Like, I love...

I just love the whole atmosphere of a music festival.

Just, like, all the crowds and, like, I love getting in a mosh pit.

I'm really into DJing at the moment too.

I'm, like... I've got some decks at home and stuff.

Doing a bit of that. Yeah.

Guys are really attracted to visual stuff.

They want to try before they buy, so get up there,

show 'em what you can do.

Let 'em see how your body moves.

Would it be really random if, like,

I showed you a dance that I've been working on?

-No. That's cool.

-Would it be weird?

-No, let's do it.

-Oh, cool.

Um, we should probably move some stuff out of the way

so you can see me.

-I hope you like it. You into dance?

-Yeah. It's pretty cool.

-Are you into dubstep?

-Yeah, I like it.

-I love dubstep. I'm cray for it.

-So do I.

MUSIC STARTS

Actually, stop. Can you stop it? Stop, stop.

That one's shit, actually.

I haven't, like, fully worked it out. Um...

Go to the next track. This is a dance that I've been...

Worked on for a while. So I'll show you this one.

Wait. Wait till I say.

All right, go.

MUSIC STARTS

-You fucking little bitch!

-It's going on YouTube. Sucked in!

Fucking delete it, you stupid slut!

What on earth's going on in here?! Girls, stop!

Jamie, enough! Enough!

That language is disgusting, and get that uniform done up immediately!

You, young man, what do you think you're doing here?

No Kelton boys are allowed on these grounds at any time. Are we clear?

Now, tell me, what is going on?

She's trying to impress that guy with slutty dance moves.

-Shut your face, you fat slut.

-Jamie, your language, please.

You're our School Captain. You should know better than that.

I've got a good mind to take that badge off you right now.

OK, you, young man, go. And go immediately.

And I do not want to see you ever again. Quickly!

Courtney and Selena, outside and wait for me.

You're in trouble as well.

Jamie, I don't know what's going on here,

but don't think it's smooth sailing from here on in.

You still need to do the exams to get that 99 ATAR score you're after.

You still going to go to university and do PR at the end of all this?

-Yes.

-Don't try that nonsense on me.

If you want to go to university, you need to focus.

You're a bright young woman with a great future in front of you.

Don't waste the opportunity.

The other thing is, I'd really love to see you win the Hillford Medal,

particularly in the centenary year.

But if you want it, you've gotta make sure you don't mess it up.

-Are we clear?

-Sorry, sir.

-But, like, obviously I'm going to get it.

-Sorry?

Obviously, like, I'm going to get the Hillford Medal.

-Like, who else would you give it to?

-Don't assume that.

You're an outstanding candidate. There's no doubting that.

But there are others.

You do the right thing by us and we can do the right thing by you,

but it comes down to you.

I want you to get your stuff and leave this hall now. Quickly.

OK.

Next time on Ja'mie: Private School Girl...

I would now like to introduce my latest project - Kwami.

Hi, Kwami. Welcome to Hillford.

Stop trying to fucking cash in on my African.

This is your room. It's actually my sister's room.

-Get out!

-You don't have to be a fucking bitch.

Well, don't fucking come in when Kwami's in here, you fucking perv.

Sorry. Sorry.

Hey, do you want Ja'mie to flash her tits?

Shut up!

Oh, my God. We've got a party on tonight. You're totally invited.

The boarders are here. They're out the front.

Go away, Lauren. You're not fucking invited.

Fat lesbian boarders.

Have you looked in the mirror lately, horse face?

-You're fat yourself.

-I fucking hate you!