Episode 3 Ja'mie: Private School Girl


Episode 3

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

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-'So Kwami sent me a picture of his dick.'

-Oh, my God!

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'It was a pretty random thing to do.'

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-Hey, it's kind of chunky.

-I know.

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It's actually quite hot for a dick, I reck.

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'The Perfect Prefect Party plans are under way.'

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It's called the Perfect Prefect Party.

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There'll be a Facebook event up about it today so...

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'And everyone's invited,

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'except Asians and boarders.

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'It's going to be hectic.'

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Put your phone away. You're on school grounds, OK?

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I'll give you a Friday if I see it again.

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'My dance solo is coming along really well,

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'and I think I'm easily going to get the marks to get into uni.'

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That was cray. It's totes adorbs.

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I could tell you were about to lose it.

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'Erin, the fat lesbian boarder, thinks her dance is amazing.'

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'But it's actually ridic.'

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Cool dance, Erin. Really creative.

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WTF?

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I don't want to arouse certain people.

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Hey, I didn't think you were going to come.

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You didn't respond to my Facebook message. I thought you hated me.

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We're thinking of going to the shops and leaving you and Mitchell to chat.

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-I did not plan that to happen.

-Yeah.

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'Mitchell and I got a bit of solo time

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'to get to know each other.'

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Go from non-flex to flex.

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Oh, my God.

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MUSIC: "Raining Diamonds" by Ricki Lee

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'But my bitch of a little sister ruined everything.'

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Fucking delete it, you stupid slut.

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What on earth's going on in here? Girls, stop.

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OK - you, young man, go.

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'Mr Hayes said that I need to be careful,

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'or I might not win the Hillford Medal.'

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You do the right thing by us and we can do the right thing by you,

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but it comes down to you.

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'But I was about to do something that would guarantee

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'that I'll definitely be this year's Hillford Medallist.'

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# I'm learning to be me... #

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-Your solo sucks.

-At least I wrote the song.

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All you've got is a flat chest and chin acne.

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FLUTE PLAYS

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# There's something 'bout you

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# There's something 'bout you

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# There's something in your eyes

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# Tells me we going to be all right

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# I'm playing with fire

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# Playing with fire

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# That nothing can put out

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# But I feel so safe right now, baby... #

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Where the fuck are they?

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If they don't hurry, I'm going to kill my parents so badly.

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Stress less. They'll be here in time.

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Well, I think I've got a reason to stress.

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-Like, hurry the fuck up.

-I'm so excited.

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-Don't worry, Ja'mie.

-Everyone in the hall...

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If he doesn't turn up, then the whole fucking thing's ruined.

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Well, lately I've realised

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that I've got a bit distracted from my charity work.

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It's kind of like the thing that I'm known for around the school.

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Like, helping other people.

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Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

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GIRLS SQUEAL

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-Can't wait to see him.

-You won't be able to see him

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cos there's tinted windows and he's really black.

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It's an important requirement of the Hillford Medallist -

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to demonstrate Christian values, show compassion to others and stuff.

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-Oh, my God, he's...

-Hi, Kwami.

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Hi, Kwami, it's me.

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-Kwami!

-Hi.

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Get in. I don't need it. You're embarrassing me. Go away.

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Hi, Kwami. How are you going?

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-He's so cute, Ja'mie!

-Are you nervous about being here, Kwami?

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You shouldn't be, because we'll look after you.

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Welcome to Hillford, Kwami!

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Does he understand what we're saying?

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-Um, yeah, he kind of understands me.

-OK...

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Are you just loving having all the girls around you?

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Yes, he is. He totally is.

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'So, what I thought I'd do'

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was get an actual povo African out of their community

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and do something, like, really compassionate for them.

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So Kwami, the African guy that I read to,

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lives in this, like, really crowded block of flats.

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My wife, Jhyll, and I are agreeable for everything.

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There's plenty of room. He is going to be very comfortable.

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And at the moment, he's sleeping on his aunty's couch

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cos his family are waiting for housing placement

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and it's going to take two weeks or something.

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And it's so trag. Like, he's really hating it.

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Good boy.

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So, I live in a mansion, right? And we've got heaps of space.

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So, what I thought is, "Why doesn't he come and live with me,

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"like, at our place for like a month or something, like a charity thing?"

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Like, I know it's really random but it's kind of Christian-y.

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Say bye-bye. Thank you very much.

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'When Jamie first told me she wanted to bring a black African home,

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'I was very surprised.'

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Bye-bye.

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'But then she explained the terrible conditions that he had to live in,

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'and I was very agreeable to the idea.

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'She's an incredibly compassionate girl.

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'And personally, I got to know a lot of blacks

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'while growing up as a kid in South Africa.'

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Very decent people. Great workers.

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'So, no, it will be good.'

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Are you OK, Kwami?

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The assembly is going to be so good.

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-God, he can't stop smiling.

-This is so hectic.

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-I can't believe I've seen his dick.

-Shut up. He's right here.

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Yeah, but he doesn't know what "dick" means, does he?

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He might. I'll ask him.

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Kwami, I showed the girls the dick photo that you sent me.

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GIRLS LAUGH

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Yeah, he totally knows - he's loving it.

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As if you wouldn't be loving it, having us all around you.

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As you well know, during my time as a committed charity worker,

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I have demonstrated compassion to the less fortunate boys of the world

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with my self-devised charity programme,

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"A Boy In Need Is A Boy Indeed".

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The homeless,

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the retarded,

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the black, to name a few.

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I spend time with them and I provide a shoulder to cry on

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and an open heart.

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I'm a really good listener.

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My "A Boy In Need Is A Boy Indeed" programme definitely demonstrates

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the Christian values that should be a part of all our lives

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as Hillford Girls.

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I would now like to introduce to you my latest project, Kwami.

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APPLAUSE

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This is Kwami. He's from Uganda.

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It's in Africa.

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And he's really adorbs.

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I've been spending time with him and his community

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in this really povo area in the Western suburbs.

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I've been like reading to him and just chilling and stuff.

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It's legit a seriously tragic environment.

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But that is all about to change,

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cos Kwami is coming to live with me and my family

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in our massive house

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while he's awaiting housing placement.

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It's going to be insane.

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I would now like Kwami

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to demonstrate his incredible dancing ability.

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I call him Jason Derulo.

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Let him show you why.

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MUSIC: "Jase's Dougie" by Jase Beathedz

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# Friday is for ever

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# We belong together

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# So come on, come on

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# And don't you say never

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# If you go then I know there is no tomorrow

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# So come on, come on

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# You should know better

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# It's right

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# It's time for you and I

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# Friday is for ever We should be together tonight... #

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Guys, should I text Mitchell cos it's Kelton recess?

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And, like, we could get him to come and meet us at the basketball court.

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-Yes.

-Is that really random?

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-No, no, no.

-That's fine.

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-Have you been talking to him a lot?

-Um, like, not really,

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but I've been stalking him on Facebook and stuff, like.

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-I've liked a few of his posts.

-That's cool.

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There was this like shirtless shot of him and I liked it

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and I wrote "quiche" and then did a little winky face.

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-Yes... Was it hot?

-So hot.

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-Really?

-He's so hot.

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Yeah, like, I don't want to be, like, a full slut

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at this early stage.

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-You know what I mean?

-Defs.

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Oh, my God, Kwami.

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You have to tell me what you think of Mitchell when you see him.

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You've got to let me know

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-if you think, like, we'll work well together.

-He's so hot.

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-You're going to love him.

-Yeah, definitely.

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So this is the oval

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and this is where all the seniors hang out, except Asians.

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And, like, all the little groups, like, sit around and stuff.

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What it is, is, like, basically the hotter and more important you are,

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the closer to the centre of the oval.

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So, we're dead centre.

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-Move!

-Why are they...

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Out of our spot. For fuck's sake...

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So, what kind of girls are you into?

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Like, would you go other races or are you, like, strictly black?

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Cos I don't think... We don't have any black girls here.

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We've got a couple of Indian girls.

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-Are you into Indian girls?

-I don't know.

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I'm not really. They're kind of weird and they smell.

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GIRLS LAUGH

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Oh, my God, see those girls over there?

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That's Brianna's group and they're my Year 11 friends.

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I kind of... I phased them out cos they got fat.

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Yeah, Ja'mie didn't fit in there at all.

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Oh, my God. See that really butch girl over there?

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That's Lauren and she's a full legit lesbian.

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Like, she's a boarder

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and all the boarders are lesbians at this school.

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-She tried to hit on us.

-It's really hevs.

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-Hi, Sir.

-Morning, girls. How are we?

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GIRLS: Hi.

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Kwami, I'm Mr Hayes, the Deputy Principal here at Hillford.

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Wonderful to have you here.

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Jamie, once again, congratulations on the programme.

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-Really inspiring stuff.

-Thanks, Sir, I know.

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I just love doing this kind of thing,

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-giving back to the community and stuff.

-We really appreciate it.

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Kwami, I hear you're staying with the Kings whilst you're here?

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You'll have a great time there, mate.

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He can't really understand English that well. He understands me

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because we've kind of overcome the language barrier and stuff.

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-Hi, Erin. How are you?

-ERIN: Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

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I just wanted to say congratulations on the programme, Ja'mie.

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-The presentation was really cool.

-Thanks.

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And, hi. Is it Kwami? I'm Erin. Welcome to Hillford.

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Yeah, I look forward to hearing more about your country

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and about all the hardships and stuff.

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OK, girls, I'll leave you to it.

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-Kwami, lovely to meet you.

-Have a wonderful time whilst you're here.

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-Girls, enjoy the rest of your day.

-Thanks, Sir.

-GIRLS: Bye.

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Um, can you not talk to him because he doesn't really understand you?

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He only understands me. So don't even bother.

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OK, cool. I guess I'll just see you in dance class, then.

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Nice to meet you, Kwami.

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- Bye. - See ya.

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What the actual fuck was that?

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WTOMFG. That was so fucking random. Oh, my God.

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-We're not your friends, bitch.

-She is officially a fuckin' psycho!

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It's like, don't come up here just because there's a black guy here.

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It's like...go away.

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Seriously. "I want to find out more about your country." Seriously...

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-Get lost.

-What a fake bitch. Like, seriously.

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What a creep. That's creepy.

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I can't even deal with how random that was.

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But Ja'mie, come on, she is nicer when she's not around Lauren.

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No. She was only doing that because Mr Hayes was here.

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-Yeah, definitely.

-It's so embarrassing.

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Like, I'm not your friend. You're a fucking lesbian.

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You're fat. Go away and stop trying to fucking cash in on my African.

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-Oh, my God.

-That was so cray.

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Kwami, what did you think of that fat girl that came up?

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-Did you like her? Say, "No."

-No.

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See? Kwami only speaks the truth.

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Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Mitchell's at the basketball court.

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GIRLS SQUEAL Let's go.

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Kwami, you'll get to see how quiche he is.

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# Do-do-do, do, do, do, do-do

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# Oh, baby

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# Do-do-do, do, do, do, do-do... #

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-Hi, Mitchell.

-GIRL: Hi.

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-Hi...

-Hi, girls.

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-Have you been waiting for long?

-Nah. We just got here.

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-Um, what are you doing?

-Nothin'.

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Um. That guy is Kwami. The African that's moving into my house.

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-GIRLS CHUCKLE

-That's Mitchell.

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-What are you wearing to the party?

-That's such a random question.

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Dunno. Do we have to dress up?

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Um, no, just whatever looks hot. I don't really care.

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Oh, my God, you should totally flash him your tits.

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-I'm not a fuckin' skank.

-No, just do it. He'll love it.

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Hey, do you want Ja'mie to flash her tits?

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Shut up! Oh, my God. Fuckin' bitch.

0:11:590:12:02

Oh, he's texting, he's texting.

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-Oh, it goes.

-MESSAGE DING

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Oh, my God. He said, "yes" with a smiley face!

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I'm so not doing it.

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-I'm not doing it.

-Do it.

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I'm not doing it. I'm not a full sluzza.

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-He's such a flirt.

-Maybe at the party, then.

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-GIRLS: Ooohhhhh.

-We'll see. Maybe.

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Anyway, we've got to go to class, so see you at the party, Mitchell.

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-See you later.

-Bye.

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Oh, my God, he so wants you.

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Oh, my God! I'm freaking out right now.

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Someone's going to be hooking up at the party.

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# And I'm like, yeah

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# Everything you heard is true

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# Everybody knows I'm hung up on you SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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# Oh, oh, oh, oh

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# And I'm like, yeah

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# Telling other girls I'm through

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# Everybody knows I'm hung up on you. #

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So, Kwami, welcome to the King mansion.

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This is, like, the main living area.

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Like, this is where we hang out mostly.

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Um, 80-inch 3D TV.

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So if you want to watch something in 3D, let me know.

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Glasses in the drawer.

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Just relax. Sit anywhere you want.

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Don't sit there or there cos that's me and Dad.

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-CODY: Hi, Mrs King.

-Howzit, Cody?

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I told you to have the food out when we got home.

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And what is that? As if he's going to eat that. Yuck.

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-Epic fail.

-Well, some of us like them.

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There's plenty of food for everyone. So calm down, Jamie.

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Get five Coke Zeros on a tray, in a glass, in my room, in five minutes.

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Has Courtney moved out of her room yet or is she being a bitch?

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-I don't know.

-Let's go upstairs, guys.

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Kwami, this is your room.

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It's actually my sister's room. Chuck your bags down.

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But it's going to be yours for, like, a month while you're here.

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So settle in. Get out!

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-Get out! Mum!

-I'm getting my books.

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It's still my room. You don't have to be a fucking bitch.

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Well, don't fucking come in when Kwami is in here, you fucking perve.

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Um, anyway, so my room is like just there so...

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The bathroom's here so you might see me like walking out in a towel

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in my undies or something.

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-You're totally going to flash him.

-Shut up. Whoops.

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Anyway, bitches, we need to get ready.

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Oh, my God. We've got a party on tonight. You're totally invited.

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I can't believe that Mitchell in a few hours

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-is going to be in your house.

-Tonight's the night.

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-Shit's going to get hectic.

-How much is today the best day of my life?

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I can't even fuckin' deal. I've got Mitchell coming to my house

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and I've got an African guy living in the room next door.

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My life is so fucking random but it's so fucking amazing right now.

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-Best day ever.

-Let's get ready.

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Let's get our crunk on, bitches!

0:14:180:14:20

Kwami, do you drink alcohol? Cos you're totally drinking it tonight.

0:14:200:14:23

-GIRLS SQUEAL

-Let's get ready, guys.

0:14:230:14:25

POP MUSIC PLAYS

0:14:270:14:30

Move.

0:14:300:14:31

Sorry.

0:14:370:14:38

SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

0:14:420:14:43

Oh, these are cute. Get back inside.

0:14:470:14:50

I got us some vodka.

0:15:020:15:04

GIRLS SQUEAL

0:15:040:15:07

SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

0:15:070:15:08

ALL: Scull, scull, scull, scull, scull.

0:15:100:15:13

ALL CHANT: Tits out for the boys! Tits out for the boys!

0:15:130:15:16

Kwami.

0:15:160:15:17

Tits out for the boys! Tits out for the boys!

0:15:170:15:20

MUSIC: "Chemical Energy" by Will Spark Ft Flea

0:15:200:15:23

GIRLS CHATTER AND LAUGH

0:15:510:15:53

-Is he coming over?

-Mitchell.

0:15:540:15:57

Get back inside! Get out of the party.

0:16:020:16:04

Seriously, I told you, it's a no-parent party.

0:16:040:16:07

Mandy's allowed because she's young.

0:16:070:16:10

-Get inside.

-I'm just handing out some food, Jamie.

0:16:100:16:12

I don't care. Go and give it to the African.

0:16:120:16:15

Make him hand it out. Seriously.

0:16:150:16:17

You're embarrassing the shit out of me.

0:16:170:16:19

Go, Ja'mie!

0:16:280:16:30

-Go, Ja'mie!

-Oh, my God, Ja'mie.

0:16:300:16:33

Mitchell is so fucking quiche.

0:16:330:16:35

-Seriously, look at him.

-I know.

-He's a megababe.

0:16:350:16:38

I so reckon you're going to hook up with him tonight.

0:16:380:16:40

I know! Seriously, how much am I going to?

0:16:400:16:43

-I know.

-I really want to.

0:16:430:16:45

It's like, I don't know, I just really want to mack on with him.

0:16:450:16:48

-You're so horny for him, Ja'mie.

-Shut up...!

0:16:480:16:51

I know. He just looks really quiche tonight.

0:16:510:16:54

-Yes, he does.

-And how quiche am I looking tonight?

0:16:540:16:57

-ALL: You look amazing.

-Seriously, I'm, like, smoking.

0:16:570:16:59

If you two get together tonight, it's legit going to be the most

0:16:590:17:02

-incredible thing of the year.

-Seriously, definitely.

0:17:020:17:04

Oh, my God, if it happens, we should totally jump in the pool

0:17:040:17:07

-with our clothes on.

-ALL: Yeah!

0:17:070:17:09

Seriously, that is ridic but YOLO. We should totally do that.

0:17:090:17:13

It'd be like a wet T-shirt competition, like when we get out.

0:17:130:17:16

-ALL SCREAM

-We're doing it. We're doing it.

0:17:160:17:19

Hands in if we're doing it.

0:17:190:17:21

-We're doing it.

-ALL SCREAM

0:17:210:17:23

Um, do another round and then you can eat yourself. Go.

0:17:230:17:26

MUSIC: "Ah, Yeah" By Will Sparks

0:17:260:17:28

CONVERSATIONS INTERMINGLE

0:17:420:17:43

Ja'mie. The boarders are here. They're out the front.

0:17:460:17:49

-GIRLS:

-What?!

0:17:490:17:51

-What the actual fuck?

-Where are they, though?

0:17:510:17:54

There is no fucking way I am letting them in.

0:17:540:17:57

Seriously, this is not fucking happening to me right now.

0:17:570:17:59

-Oh, my fucking God.

-The fucking dumb lesbians.

0:17:590:18:01

Seriously, fuck. Like, if they try to get over the fence,

0:18:010:18:04

I'm going to call the fucking cops. I'm serious.

0:18:040:18:06

Go away, Lauren! You're not fucking invited.

0:18:060:18:09

Why? The Facebook event said "all Year 12s".

0:18:090:18:11

Um, yeah, everyone except Asians and boarders.

0:18:110:18:13

It goes without fucking saying.

0:18:130:18:15

Well, that's really mean. And racist.

0:18:150:18:16

Why the fuck would I would invite you? I don't even like you.

0:18:160:18:19

Seriously, think about it. You don't just fucking turn up at my house...

0:18:190:18:22

You're such a fucking bitch, Ja'mie.

0:18:220:18:25

You're a really nasty person. You only think of yourself.

0:18:250:18:27

Whoa, someone's standing up for themselves for the first time in their whole fucking life.

0:18:270:18:31

Seriously, I don't care what you say, you fat lesbian, Erin.

0:18:310:18:33

Seriously, can you get them to go away, please?

0:18:330:18:36

MADISON: Fucking go back to your farms, bitches.

0:18:360:18:38

Why would I want fat lesbian boarders in my fucking house?

0:18:380:18:42

You know what, Ja'mie? Your dance solo is actually really bad.

0:18:420:18:46

Miss said it's nowhere near as good as mine.

0:18:460:18:47

So I wouldn't count on getting the marks you need.

0:18:470:18:50

Seriously. What the fuck would you know about dancing?

0:18:500:18:52

At least I'm not miming fucking sandbagging.

0:18:520:18:54

Everyone's fucking laughing at you. You look ridic.

0:18:540:18:57

And also, has anyone ever told you

0:18:570:18:59

dancers are not supposed to be fucking fat?

0:18:590:19:01

You think she's ridic?

0:19:010:19:02

Have you looked in the mirror lately, horse-face?

0:19:020:19:04

You might want to consider plastic surgery for that double chin.

0:19:040:19:07

-Fuck off, you fucking bitch.

-Whatever, you think you're so hot.

0:19:070:19:11

You go around talking about how great you are all the time.

0:19:110:19:14

-I know I am.

-No, you're fat.

0:19:140:19:15

-You're fat yourself.

-Oh, am I?

0:19:150:19:16

-You call me fat?

-ALL AT ONCE: You're fat!

0:19:160:19:19

Obviously, I'm fat. Guys, am I fat?

0:19:190:19:21

-GIRLS: No!

-Yeah.

0:19:210:19:23

No, that's because your friends are too scared to tell you.

0:19:230:19:26

I am not fucking fat! You fucking bitch.

0:19:260:19:29

Go away or I'll get my dad to fucking bash the shit out of you.

0:19:290:19:34

-I fucking hate you!

-GIRLS TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:19:340:19:36

-Oh, my God.

-Ja'mie, it's OK.

0:19:360:19:38

Why did she say I was fat? I'm not!

0:19:380:19:41

-Seriously, am I fat?

-No.

0:19:410:19:44

THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:19:440:19:47

Why did she say that I was fat?

0:19:470:19:49

-Seriously, look at me.

-You're not fat!

0:19:490:19:51

-But she said that I was fat.

-Ja'mie.

0:19:510:19:55

-SOBBING:

-Seriously, am I fat? Do you think I'm fat?

0:19:550:19:59

-MITCHELL:

-Don't let it ruin a good party. You're all right.

0:19:590:20:01

Then why did she fucking say it?

0:20:010:20:04

-GIRL:

-It's all right, it's all right.

0:20:040:20:06

-We'll sit over there.

-JA'MIE SOBS

0:20:060:20:11

Am I fat?

0:20:110:20:12

No, no, you're not. Sit down.

0:20:120:20:16

We'll go. Mitchell will look after you. ILY.

0:20:160:20:18

-Don't believe the lesbians, Ja'mie.

-ILY.

0:20:180:20:20

-I love you guys.

-It's all right.

0:20:200:20:23

I said "No boarders".

0:20:250:20:27

Why would I fucking want them here?

0:20:270:20:29

I invited three Asians. What more do I have to do?

0:20:290:20:34

-Now everyone's fucking staring at me.

-No, no, they're not staring.

0:20:340:20:37

Cos I'm crying, thinking I'm a fucking freak.

0:20:370:20:39

-They're not staring, right?

-They are.

-No, they're not. They're not staring at you.

0:20:390:20:44

Do you think I'm fat?

0:20:440:20:45

No. You're not fat. You're not fat at all.

0:20:450:20:48

I like it when you put your arm around me.

0:20:480:20:51

It makes me feel really good.

0:20:510:20:53

What are you doing?

0:21:100:21:12

Just changing my Facebook status.

0:21:120:21:14

This will make it Facebook official.

0:21:140:21:15

-What?

-Us...

0:21:150:21:18

You and me. We just hooked up.

0:21:180:21:19

-Oh, my God. Seriously.

-Oh, my God.

0:21:240:21:26

GIRLS SQUEAL

0:21:260:21:29

Oh, my God! I can't believe it.

0:21:310:21:34

-Seriously, could you guys see from over there?

-Yeah!

0:21:350:21:39

-I'm so embarrassed. So awkies.

-I knew you two would end up hooking up.

0:21:390:21:45

Congratulations, bebs.

0:21:450:21:46

Could you fully see us hooking up?

0:21:460:21:48

-GIRL: Yes.

-Oh, my God.

0:21:480:21:50

Tonight is the best night of my life.

0:21:500:21:53

Guys, guys, we should do the pool thing!

0:21:530:21:55

ALL SQUEAL

0:21:550:21:57

OK, I'll be back in a sec.

0:21:570:21:59

Oh, my God. I'm going out with Mitchell!

0:21:590:22:02

YOLO!

0:22:020:22:03

ALL SCREAM

0:22:030:22:04

Oh, my God. I jumped in with my iPhone!

0:22:070:22:11

But I don't even care

0:22:110:22:12

cos I'm going out with the quichest guy in Year 10!

0:22:120:22:15

ALL: Come in.

0:22:170:22:18

Oh, my God! This is the best night of my entire life.

0:22:220:22:25

Next time on Ja'mie - Private School Girl...

0:22:280:22:31

Oh, my God, he's calling me. Hi, Mitchy.

0:22:310:22:35

Having a boyfriend is the best. It's so good.

0:22:350:22:38

Good night.

0:22:380:22:39

Are you nervous about dance assessment?

0:22:390:22:41

I heard the judges are really lenient

0:22:410:22:43

towards girls with your body type.

0:22:430:22:44

# A woman I will be

0:22:440:22:48

# Cos I'm learning to be me. #

0:22:480:22:51

The only person in my family that understands me is Kwami.

0:22:510:22:54

Kwami, get to your own room.

0:22:540:22:56

I'm reading to him. That's why he is in here.

0:22:560:22:58

Can you just fuck off, OK?

0:22:580:23:00

I wish I fucking drowned you as a child.

0:23:000:23:02

Have you guys checked Facebook in like the last ten minutes?

0:23:020:23:05

Oh, my God. He's changed his relationship status to "single".

0:23:050:23:08

Oh, my God.

0:23:080:23:10

-I so fucking loved him.

-GIRLS: Awww.

0:23:100:23:12

I've got fucking clinical depression, you fucking idiot.

0:23:120:23:15

I stole my mum's antidepressants. But they're not really working.

0:23:150:23:19

GIRLS SHOUT

0:23:190:23:21

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