Episode 3 Ja'mie: Private School Girl

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

-'So Kwami sent me a picture of his dick.'

-Oh, my God!

'It was a pretty random thing to do.'

-Hey, it's kind of chunky.

-I know.

It's actually quite hot for a dick, I reck.

'The Perfect Prefect Party plans are under way.'

It's called the Perfect Prefect Party.

There'll be a Facebook event up about it today so...

'And everyone's invited,

'except Asians and boarders.

'It's going to be hectic.'

Put your phone away. You're on school grounds, OK?

I'll give you a Friday if I see it again.

'My dance solo is coming along really well,

'and I think I'm easily going to get the marks to get into uni.'

That was cray. It's totes adorbs.

I could tell you were about to lose it.

'Erin, the fat lesbian boarder, thinks her dance is amazing.'

'But it's actually ridic.'

Cool dance, Erin. Really creative.

WTF?

I don't want to arouse certain people.

Hey, I didn't think you were going to come.

You didn't respond to my Facebook message. I thought you hated me.

We're thinking of going to the shops and leaving you and Mitchell to chat.

-I did not plan that to happen.

-Yeah.

'Mitchell and I got a bit of solo time

'to get to know each other.'

Go from non-flex to flex.

Oh, my God.

MUSIC: "Raining Diamonds" by Ricki Lee

'But my bitch of a little sister ruined everything.'

Fucking delete it, you stupid slut.

What on earth's going on in here? Girls, stop.

OK - you, young man, go.

'Mr Hayes said that I need to be careful,

'or I might not win the Hillford Medal.'

You do the right thing by us and we can do the right thing by you,

but it comes down to you.

'But I was about to do something that would guarantee

'that I'll definitely be this year's Hillford Medallist.'

# I'm learning to be me... #

-Your solo sucks.

-At least I wrote the song.

All you've got is a flat chest and chin acne.

FLUTE PLAYS

# There's something 'bout you

# There's something 'bout you

# There's something in your eyes

# Tells me we going to be all right

# I'm playing with fire

# Playing with fire

# That nothing can put out

# But I feel so safe right now, baby... #

Where the fuck are they?

If they don't hurry, I'm going to kill my parents so badly.

Stress less. They'll be here in time.

Well, I think I've got a reason to stress.

-Like, hurry the fuck up.

-I'm so excited.

-Don't worry, Ja'mie.

-Everyone in the hall...

If he doesn't turn up, then the whole fucking thing's ruined.

Well, lately I've realised

that I've got a bit distracted from my charity work.

It's kind of like the thing that I'm known for around the school.

Like, helping other people.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

GIRLS SQUEAL

-Can't wait to see him.

-You won't be able to see him

cos there's tinted windows and he's really black.

It's an important requirement of the Hillford Medallist -

to demonstrate Christian values, show compassion to others and stuff.

-Oh, my God, he's...

-Hi, Kwami.

Hi, Kwami, it's me.

-Kwami!

-Hi.

Get in. I don't need it. You're embarrassing me. Go away.

Hi, Kwami. How are you going?

-He's so cute, Ja'mie!

-Are you nervous about being here, Kwami?

You shouldn't be, because we'll look after you.

Welcome to Hillford, Kwami!

Does he understand what we're saying?

-Um, yeah, he kind of understands me.

-OK...

Are you just loving having all the girls around you?

Yes, he is. He totally is.

'So, what I thought I'd do'

was get an actual povo African out of their community

and do something, like, really compassionate for them.

So Kwami, the African guy that I read to,

lives in this, like, really crowded block of flats.

My wife, Jhyll, and I are agreeable for everything.

There's plenty of room. He is going to be very comfortable.

And at the moment, he's sleeping on his aunty's couch

cos his family are waiting for housing placement

and it's going to take two weeks or something.

And it's so trag. Like, he's really hating it.

Good boy.

So, I live in a mansion, right? And we've got heaps of space.

So, what I thought is, "Why doesn't he come and live with me,

"like, at our place for like a month or something, like a charity thing?"

Like, I know it's really random but it's kind of Christian-y.

Say bye-bye. Thank you very much.

'When Jamie first told me she wanted to bring a black African home,

'I was very surprised.'

Bye-bye.

'But then she explained the terrible conditions that he had to live in,

'and I was very agreeable to the idea.

'She's an incredibly compassionate girl.

'And personally, I got to know a lot of blacks

'while growing up as a kid in South Africa.'

Very decent people. Great workers.

'So, no, it will be good.'

Are you OK, Kwami?

The assembly is going to be so good.

-God, he can't stop smiling.

-This is so hectic.

-I can't believe I've seen his dick.

-Shut up. He's right here.

Yeah, but he doesn't know what "dick" means, does he?

He might. I'll ask him.

Kwami, I showed the girls the dick photo that you sent me.

GIRLS LAUGH

Yeah, he totally knows - he's loving it.

As if you wouldn't be loving it, having us all around you.

As you well know, during my time as a committed charity worker,

I have demonstrated compassion to the less fortunate boys of the world

with my self-devised charity programme,

"A Boy In Need Is A Boy Indeed".

The homeless,

the retarded,

the black, to name a few.

I spend time with them and I provide a shoulder to cry on

and an open heart.

I'm a really good listener.

My "A Boy In Need Is A Boy Indeed" programme definitely demonstrates

the Christian values that should be a part of all our lives

as Hillford Girls.

I would now like to introduce to you my latest project, Kwami.

APPLAUSE

This is Kwami. He's from Uganda.

It's in Africa.

And he's really adorbs.

I've been spending time with him and his community

in this really povo area in the Western suburbs.

I've been like reading to him and just chilling and stuff.

It's legit a seriously tragic environment.

But that is all about to change,

cos Kwami is coming to live with me and my family

in our massive house

while he's awaiting housing placement.

It's going to be insane.

I would now like Kwami

to demonstrate his incredible dancing ability.

I call him Jason Derulo.

Let him show you why.

MUSIC: "Jase's Dougie" by Jase Beathedz

# Friday is for ever

# We belong together

# So come on, come on

# And don't you say never

# If you go then I know there is no tomorrow

# So come on, come on

# You should know better

# It's right

# It's time for you and I

# Friday is for ever We should be together tonight... #

Guys, should I text Mitchell cos it's Kelton recess?

And, like, we could get him to come and meet us at the basketball court.

-Yes.

-Is that really random?

-No, no, no.

-That's fine.

-Have you been talking to him a lot?

-Um, like, not really,

but I've been stalking him on Facebook and stuff, like.

-I've liked a few of his posts.

-That's cool.

There was this like shirtless shot of him and I liked it

and I wrote "quiche" and then did a little winky face.

-Yes... Was it hot?

-So hot.

-Really?

-He's so hot.

Yeah, like, I don't want to be, like, a full slut

at this early stage.

-You know what I mean?

-Defs.

Oh, my God, Kwami.

You have to tell me what you think of Mitchell when you see him.

You've got to let me know

-if you think, like, we'll work well together.

-He's so hot.

-You're going to love him.

-Yeah, definitely.

So this is the oval

and this is where all the seniors hang out, except Asians.

And, like, all the little groups, like, sit around and stuff.

What it is, is, like, basically the hotter and more important you are,

the closer to the centre of the oval.

So, we're dead centre.

-Move!

-Why are they...

Out of our spot. For fuck's sake...

So, what kind of girls are you into?

Like, would you go other races or are you, like, strictly black?

Cos I don't think... We don't have any black girls here.

We've got a couple of Indian girls.

-Are you into Indian girls?

-I don't know.

I'm not really. They're kind of weird and they smell.

GIRLS LAUGH

Oh, my God, see those girls over there?

That's Brianna's group and they're my Year 11 friends.

I kind of... I phased them out cos they got fat.

Yeah, Ja'mie didn't fit in there at all.

Oh, my God. See that really butch girl over there?

That's Lauren and she's a full legit lesbian.

Like, she's a boarder

and all the boarders are lesbians at this school.

-She tried to hit on us.

-It's really hevs.

-Hi, Sir.

-Morning, girls. How are we?

GIRLS: Hi.

Kwami, I'm Mr Hayes, the Deputy Principal here at Hillford.

Wonderful to have you here.

Jamie, once again, congratulations on the programme.

-Really inspiring stuff.

-Thanks, Sir, I know.

I just love doing this kind of thing,

-giving back to the community and stuff.

-We really appreciate it.

Kwami, I hear you're staying with the Kings whilst you're here?

You'll have a great time there, mate.

He can't really understand English that well. He understands me

because we've kind of overcome the language barrier and stuff.

-Hi, Erin. How are you?

-ERIN: Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to say congratulations on the programme, Ja'mie.

-The presentation was really cool.

-Thanks.

And, hi. Is it Kwami? I'm Erin. Welcome to Hillford.

Yeah, I look forward to hearing more about your country

and about all the hardships and stuff.

OK, girls, I'll leave you to it.

-Kwami, lovely to meet you.

-Have a wonderful time whilst you're here.

-Girls, enjoy the rest of your day.

-Thanks, Sir.

-GIRLS: Bye.

Um, can you not talk to him because he doesn't really understand you?

He only understands me. So don't even bother.

OK, cool. I guess I'll just see you in dance class, then.

Nice to meet you, Kwami.

- Bye. - See ya.

What the actual fuck was that?

WTOMFG. That was so fucking random. Oh, my God.

-We're not your friends, bitch.

-She is officially a fuckin' psycho!

It's like, don't come up here just because there's a black guy here.

It's like...go away.

Seriously. "I want to find out more about your country." Seriously...

-Get lost.

-What a fake bitch. Like, seriously.

What a creep. That's creepy.

I can't even deal with how random that was.

But Ja'mie, come on, she is nicer when she's not around Lauren.

No. She was only doing that because Mr Hayes was here.

-Yeah, definitely.

-It's so embarrassing.

Like, I'm not your friend. You're a fucking lesbian.

You're fat. Go away and stop trying to fucking cash in on my African.

-Oh, my God.

-That was so cray.

Kwami, what did you think of that fat girl that came up?

-Did you like her? Say, "No."

-No.

See? Kwami only speaks the truth.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Mitchell's at the basketball court.

GIRLS SQUEAL Let's go.

Kwami, you'll get to see how quiche he is.

# Do-do-do, do, do, do, do-do

# Oh, baby

# Do-do-do, do, do, do, do-do... #

-Hi, Mitchell.

-GIRL: Hi.

-Hi...

-Hi, girls.

-Have you been waiting for long?

-Nah. We just got here.

-Um, what are you doing?

-Nothin'.

Um. That guy is Kwami. The African that's moving into my house.

-GIRLS CHUCKLE

-That's Mitchell.

-What are you wearing to the party?

-That's such a random question.

Dunno. Do we have to dress up?

Um, no, just whatever looks hot. I don't really care.

Oh, my God, you should totally flash him your tits.

-I'm not a fuckin' skank.

-No, just do it. He'll love it.

Hey, do you want Ja'mie to flash her tits?

Shut up! Oh, my God. Fuckin' bitch.

Oh, he's texting, he's texting.

-Oh, it goes.

-MESSAGE DING

Oh, my God. He said, "yes" with a smiley face!

I'm so not doing it.

-I'm not doing it.

-Do it.

I'm not doing it. I'm not a full sluzza.

-He's such a flirt.

-Maybe at the party, then.

-GIRLS: Ooohhhhh.

-We'll see. Maybe.

Anyway, we've got to go to class, so see you at the party, Mitchell.

-See you later.

-Bye.

Oh, my God, he so wants you.

Oh, my God! I'm freaking out right now.

Someone's going to be hooking up at the party.

# And I'm like, yeah

# Everything you heard is true

# Everybody knows I'm hung up on you SCHOOL BELL RINGS

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# And I'm like, yeah

# Telling other girls I'm through

# Everybody knows I'm hung up on you. #

So, Kwami, welcome to the King mansion.

This is, like, the main living area.

Like, this is where we hang out mostly.

Um, 80-inch 3D TV.

So if you want to watch something in 3D, let me know.

Glasses in the drawer.

Just relax. Sit anywhere you want.

Don't sit there or there cos that's me and Dad.

-CODY: Hi, Mrs King.

-Howzit, Cody?

I told you to have the food out when we got home.

And what is that? As if he's going to eat that. Yuck.

-Epic fail.

-Well, some of us like them.

There's plenty of food for everyone. So calm down, Jamie.

Get five Coke Zeros on a tray, in a glass, in my room, in five minutes.

Has Courtney moved out of her room yet or is she being a bitch?

-I don't know.

-Let's go upstairs, guys.

Kwami, this is your room.

It's actually my sister's room. Chuck your bags down.

But it's going to be yours for, like, a month while you're here.

So settle in. Get out!

-Get out! Mum!

-I'm getting my books.

It's still my room. You don't have to be a fucking bitch.

Well, don't fucking come in when Kwami is in here, you fucking perve.

Um, anyway, so my room is like just there so...

The bathroom's here so you might see me like walking out in a towel

in my undies or something.

-You're totally going to flash him.

-Shut up. Whoops.

Anyway, bitches, we need to get ready.

Oh, my God. We've got a party on tonight. You're totally invited.

I can't believe that Mitchell in a few hours

-is going to be in your house.

-Tonight's the night.

-Shit's going to get hectic.

-How much is today the best day of my life?

I can't even fuckin' deal. I've got Mitchell coming to my house

and I've got an African guy living in the room next door.

My life is so fucking random but it's so fucking amazing right now.

-Best day ever.

-Let's get ready.

Let's get our crunk on, bitches!

Kwami, do you drink alcohol? Cos you're totally drinking it tonight.

-GIRLS SQUEAL

-Let's get ready, guys.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Move.

Sorry.

SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

Oh, these are cute. Get back inside.

I got us some vodka.

GIRLS SQUEAL

SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

ALL: Scull, scull, scull, scull, scull.

ALL CHANT: Tits out for the boys! Tits out for the boys!

Kwami.

Tits out for the boys! Tits out for the boys!

MUSIC: "Chemical Energy" by Will Spark Ft Flea

GIRLS CHATTER AND LAUGH

-Is he coming over?

-Mitchell.

Get back inside! Get out of the party.

Seriously, I told you, it's a no-parent party.

Mandy's allowed because she's young.

-Get inside.

-I'm just handing out some food, Jamie.

I don't care. Go and give it to the African.

Make him hand it out. Seriously.

You're embarrassing the shit out of me.

Go, Ja'mie!

-Go, Ja'mie!

-Oh, my God, Ja'mie.

Mitchell is so fucking quiche.

-Seriously, look at him.

-I know.

-He's a megababe.

I so reckon you're going to hook up with him tonight.

I know! Seriously, how much am I going to?

-I know.

-I really want to.

It's like, I don't know, I just really want to mack on with him.

-You're so horny for him, Ja'mie.

-Shut up...!

I know. He just looks really quiche tonight.

-Yes, he does.

-And how quiche am I looking tonight?

-ALL: You look amazing.

-Seriously, I'm, like, smoking.

If you two get together tonight, it's legit going to be the most

-incredible thing of the year.

-Seriously, definitely.

Oh, my God, if it happens, we should totally jump in the pool

-with our clothes on.

-ALL: Yeah!

Seriously, that is ridic but YOLO. We should totally do that.

It'd be like a wet T-shirt competition, like when we get out.

-ALL SCREAM

-We're doing it. We're doing it.

Hands in if we're doing it.

-We're doing it.

-ALL SCREAM

Um, do another round and then you can eat yourself. Go.

MUSIC: "Ah, Yeah" By Will Sparks

CONVERSATIONS INTERMINGLE

Ja'mie. The boarders are here. They're out the front.

-GIRLS:

-What?!

-What the actual fuck?

-Where are they, though?

There is no fucking way I am letting them in.

Seriously, this is not fucking happening to me right now.

-Oh, my fucking God.

-The fucking dumb lesbians.

Seriously, fuck. Like, if they try to get over the fence,

I'm going to call the fucking cops. I'm serious.

Go away, Lauren! You're not fucking invited.

Why? The Facebook event said "all Year 12s".

Um, yeah, everyone except Asians and boarders.

It goes without fucking saying.

Well, that's really mean. And racist.

Why the fuck would I would invite you? I don't even like you.

Seriously, think about it. You don't just fucking turn up at my house...

You're such a fucking bitch, Ja'mie.

You're a really nasty person. You only think of yourself.

Whoa, someone's standing up for themselves for the first time in their whole fucking life.

Seriously, I don't care what you say, you fat lesbian, Erin.

Seriously, can you get them to go away, please?

MADISON: Fucking go back to your farms, bitches.

Why would I want fat lesbian boarders in my fucking house?

You know what, Ja'mie? Your dance solo is actually really bad.

Miss said it's nowhere near as good as mine.

So I wouldn't count on getting the marks you need.

Seriously. What the fuck would you know about dancing?

At least I'm not miming fucking sandbagging.

Everyone's fucking laughing at you. You look ridic.

And also, has anyone ever told you

dancers are not supposed to be fucking fat?

You think she's ridic?

Have you looked in the mirror lately, horse-face?

You might want to consider plastic surgery for that double chin.

-Fuck off, you fucking bitch.

-Whatever, you think you're so hot.

You go around talking about how great you are all the time.

-I know I am.

-No, you're fat.

-You're fat yourself.

-Oh, am I?

-You call me fat?

-ALL AT ONCE: You're fat!

Obviously, I'm fat. Guys, am I fat?

-GIRLS: No!

-Yeah.

No, that's because your friends are too scared to tell you.

I am not fucking fat! You fucking bitch.

Go away or I'll get my dad to fucking bash the shit out of you.

-I fucking hate you!

-GIRLS TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Oh, my God.

-Ja'mie, it's OK.

Why did she say I was fat? I'm not!

-Seriously, am I fat?

-No.

THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Why did she say that I was fat?

-Seriously, look at me.

-You're not fat!

-But she said that I was fat.

-Ja'mie.

-SOBBING:

-Seriously, am I fat? Do you think I'm fat?

-MITCHELL:

-Don't let it ruin a good party. You're all right.

Then why did she fucking say it?

-GIRL:

-It's all right, it's all right.

-We'll sit over there.

-JA'MIE SOBS

Am I fat?

No, no, you're not. Sit down.

We'll go. Mitchell will look after you. ILY.

-Don't believe the lesbians, Ja'mie.

-ILY.

-I love you guys.

-It's all right.

I said "No boarders".

Why would I fucking want them here?

I invited three Asians. What more do I have to do?

-Now everyone's fucking staring at me.

-No, no, they're not staring.

Cos I'm crying, thinking I'm a fucking freak.

-They're not staring, right?

-They are.

-No, they're not. They're not staring at you.

Do you think I'm fat?

No. You're not fat. You're not fat at all.

I like it when you put your arm around me.

It makes me feel really good.

What are you doing?

Just changing my Facebook status.

This will make it Facebook official.

-What?

-Us...

You and me. We just hooked up.

-Oh, my God. Seriously.

-Oh, my God.

GIRLS SQUEAL

Oh, my God! I can't believe it.

-Seriously, could you guys see from over there?

-Yeah!

-I'm so embarrassed. So awkies.

-I knew you two would end up hooking up.

Congratulations, bebs.

Could you fully see us hooking up?

-GIRL: Yes.

-Oh, my God.

Tonight is the best night of my life.

Guys, guys, we should do the pool thing!

ALL SQUEAL

OK, I'll be back in a sec.

Oh, my God. I'm going out with Mitchell!

YOLO!

ALL SCREAM

Oh, my God. I jumped in with my iPhone!

But I don't even care

cos I'm going out with the quichest guy in Year 10!

ALL: Come in.

Oh, my God! This is the best night of my entire life.

Next time on Ja'mie - Private School Girl...

Oh, my God, he's calling me. Hi, Mitchy.

Having a boyfriend is the best. It's so good.

Good night.

Are you nervous about dance assessment?

I heard the judges are really lenient

towards girls with your body type.

# A woman I will be

# Cos I'm learning to be me. #

The only person in my family that understands me is Kwami.

Kwami, get to your own room.

I'm reading to him. That's why he is in here.

Can you just fuck off, OK?

I wish I fucking drowned you as a child.

Have you guys checked Facebook in like the last ten minutes?

Oh, my God. He's changed his relationship status to "single".

Oh, my God.

-I so fucking loved him.

-GIRLS: Awww.

I've got fucking clinical depression, you fucking idiot.

I stole my mum's antidepressants. But they're not really working.

GIRLS SHOUT